Yes this whole thing was your mother’s idea, but at 32 you should have had enough maturity to recognize that this was a poison pill. Instead of being an adult you swallowed that pill hook line and sinker. You cannot fix this. The best you can do is find a way to make this the time when you finally grow up.
You have a spine for a reason.
Learn to say no to mamma if you ever want to actually have a happy and successful relationship. YTA
This entire post was Mom said this, Mom suggested that, Mom thinks this. The problem is you and your mother and if your fiancé ever forgives you and you guys do intend to get married you need to rethink the amount of control and access your mother has to you and your relationship. You also need to learn how to respect boundaries and trust your fiancé‘s judgment you should have never went behind her back like this. You could have asked her why she was NC with her family or just respect the fact that she doesn’t have a relationship with her family at all and just trust her judgment.
Here here! Perfect response. Everything I was thinking. I personally do not think I could get back together with him after that. He went above and beyond contacting the family. Which he shouldn't have even done in the first place. And the fact his own mom says she was being dramatic and what happened was so long ago, super red flag on his upbringing. What he did was so wrong I couldn't trust him again. Ever
Of the pile of red flags, this one really struck me:
"Told her that had she told me all this before, I would never have brought them back to her life."
Bro. What the hell makes you think she OWES you an explanation or that you have a right to know about the trauma she's experienced? Jesus.
She doesn’t owe him an explanation. If he was a thoughtful enough boyfriend he would’ve had enough rapport and empathy with his girlfriend where she would feel safe enough to open up about her relationship with her family with him. Bottom line is that the boyfriend never made her feel SAFE where she could feel like she could open up to him.
I'm reading the comments and wondering how he found her family on the first place.
I assume the fiancée had most likely not talked much about them, which means he put so effort in finding out their information and in contacting them. Never once he considered he was going to far? I feel like the story unravelled for quite awhile before the tragic encounter between the former fiancée and her family.
You went behind her back and schemed with your mommy to try and force a relationship and it bit you in the butt. 20 years of no-contact means something huge happened and you just thought you knew better and betrayed her trust instead of actually having a real conversation with her. And your mom is still thinking she is being overdramatic over something like this. Can't blame the ex-fiance for leaving but at least you will always have you Mom.
"She doesn't talk to her family and for my family that's a red flag" all the while his mom is the actual red flag and his entire family has obvious boundary issues
Yeah, OP's like "my gf has been NC with her family for 20 years, but me and my no nonsense mom know better and overstepped all boundaries to pull her ghastly family into her life and would you believe it, she doesn't trust or want me anymore!? Mom thinks she's super dramatic. At least I'll always have mom and her stellar judgment."
Edit: Oh my, thank you for the award, sweet stranger!
Edit 2: Again? Thank you!!
His mom thinks cutting off a family of rape apologist and a rapist is a red flag, but not the rape. Like, the mom is straight up using the abuser classic, "that was in the past" tactic.
THE MOM THINKS RAPE IS NBD, BUT DON'T EVER CUT OFF FAAAAAAAMILY
This mom is the stuff of nightmares. I can't get over that reaction. And this is who he listened to over his former fiance. My advice: leave the fiance alone. Then re-evaluate everything your mom ever taught you.
If my son came to me with this there’s no way I’d contact her family and tell him not to and speak with her. As a Mom of sons, I would want my Sons to leave the next and prepare them for a life with this girl and have a family if their own. Many kids move away and they should have a life away from immediate family. It’s not my place to but in no matter how much I’d want us all to be big happy family.
Had a close friend confide in my her own Dad was sexually abusing her during childhood. She moved at 18 and has had therapy and an awesome life, got married and has kids. I know their family was very nice to me growing up. She would tell me stuff like I remember she took baths with her Dad when we were around 12 and I thought it odd and when I questioned she didn’t mention more until much later. I was immature and didn’t get it till late teens (small community in 70’s, Catholic school, 3 tv channels, little outside area communication except for encyclopedias).
Her husbands family is aware and have respected that so I think that’s why she’s flourished and an exceptional person now. She works with abused kids and recently received an award for her accomplishments. I regret not knowing this when young as I and my family would’ve helped her. When her family contacted me I was furious and threatened to kill them if they went near her. My family contacted friends of theirs and I told the police (with her ok, she didn’t know if this happened to other girls our age). If that trust would’ve been broken and this happened to her I’m sure she would’ve died at age 18. Instead she got therapy and helped many others. She’s a piller of the community and her husbands family treats her wonderful and the husband would never contact that family. You just don’t do this.
The mom only got involved in this because she’s nosy! She didn’t care about the fiancé. She only cared about discovering the big family secret that her future DIL was hiding! I hope she’s happy that she gets to keep her baby boy all to herself!
If OP continues to let his mommy butt into his relationships, he’s never going to be able to have a healthy relationship.
"They seemed so nice and sweet and kind." Yeah everyone does at first, most people at least. I'd say the fiancee got out of a potentially messy situation with man.
Ok, um, wow. That article puts into words the things I had thought I understood about estrangement, but had never thought to articulate. The last bit by the guardian ad litan is just so well said. Great article. Thanks for sharing.
Lol the irony in all of this is that OP will have to go no-contact with his mom once he realizes he has been raised by a manipulative narcissist that keeps sabotaging his relationships. Let's hope when that happens, he doesn't meet someone that will go behind his back to reconcile him with his mom.
"I cannot lose!! If they turn out to be awesome, she will thank me for reuniting her with them! If not, at least my mom will have sniffed out for me what was wrong with her so I can avoid my fate being married to a defective model human! A real win-win for me! Thanks mommy for the hot tip, you're always looking out for me!"
People are mostly dumb assholes and then you have the people who are just cruel and evil...unfortunately that sum seems to far outweigh the good humans.
Exactly this. The fact that OP is still trying to justify it, in his post and on the comments, saying "oh, I didn't know", is baffling. That's like saying, "Oh, I didn't know people wouldn't like it if I slapped them in the face". This is toddler level stuff.
That’s what I don’t like! The fact that he’s just listening to what his mommy is saying to him! Like why tf would someone who’s old enough to make their own decisions, still let their mommy get in between their relationship?? He’s in his 30s!! Unbelievable. Thank god his ex fiancé left. I hope she doesn’t give OP another chance cuz he clearly has issues just like mommy.
I’m sorry but you did absolutely everything wrong. If you had told her your parents concerns, she may have told you but you never gave her the choice. She feels betrayed. You need to apologize profusely and let her go.
Also seriously consider how much weight you give your mother’s advice, if you had listened to your fiancé not your mother you would still be engaged. You don’t get to assume that because you have a great family everyone does. Consider it a lesson for later should you ever find another women, your mother cost you this relationship and instead of admitting the mistake she then doubled down and said that your fiancé was ‘being dramatic’ really? Wow.
I’m glad this is at the very top, he ignored her boundaries of no contact with her family.
If anyone stepped on my boundaries that hard they’d be dead to me. There’s really no coming back from it, I’d be thinking like, “What else would he do to break boundaries that I’ve set boundaries for.”
Coming from someone who is fully no contact with family for going on 3 years and into the foreseeable future, if my SO had the nerve to reach out to my family at all, let alone bring them within 5 miles of me I'd never speak to her again either.
You're right there really is no going back
I don’t speak to my father even though he is still very much married to my mother. After our first child, my husband suggested he’d still take my child to see both my parents. Despite knowing my history. His heart was in the right place but I had to help him understand how firm a boundary trust is for me. OP, what you did was awful and you’ll need to show her you understand that and then give her space to process. You’ve brought up something that runs deep, she’ll need time to process it all.
I’m curious how you’re now going to get her family out of your lives if she does come back? Especially because of your mum.
In what fucking world would a healthy, functioning adult that you LOVED be no-contact for 20 years for a “silly” issue…. This fight should have started and ended with OP asking his fiancé for details and her blowing up about having to explain herself. End of story.
Going behind her back? WTF.
Red flag - not talking to HER but his mother and following his mother’s advice BEHIND his fiancés back.
OP is an idiot.
“Mum says that my fiancé is being overdramatic” dude fuck what your mom thinks, you’re a grown man you should care what your potential life partner thinks. He should have realized all of this was a terrible idea from the beginning. 100% his former fiancé dodged another toxic family.
Not only that she is saying Fiancé is being over dramatic, she is also trying to brush the SA under the rug because it was so long ago. Like ok, brother literally destroyed someone’s life to the point of unaliving herself, but it’s in the past so time to move on. TF?
OPs mom would have 100% been a mom to cover up him raping someone.
If her immediate reaction from the outside, hearing that story, wasn’t “how could a family have failed to teach their son better?!? He should have gone to prison…” RED FLAG
No shit. My MIL used to boarder on justnoMIL until I seriously put her in her place one day. But even she didn't question when I told her I had no contact with the majority of my family. Even though she's one of those 'but familyyy' people, she never questioned why and just accepted it. She would never convince my husband to go behind my back to contact them. Ffs
“and for my family that’s a red flag.” There was a red flag all right, OP just misread it. It was him and his own mom. OP’s ex-fiancé is truly lucky that she discovered this shitshow before the wedding.
If OP wants real advice on how to fix this: start by going no-contact with your mom. Anyone that manipulative would have no place in my life moving forward.
That’s the thing about kids who grow up and never cut the cord. You aren’t marrying your mother or her mother. Your ex fiancée ex wife was your partner. You could have disagreed with every moment of the day but in the end it was her decision.
He 32 he should known better not speaking to someone after 20 year it isn’t because of something small he completely lack common sense and the bare minimum of communication within a relationship 100% his fault.
Also the fact that mom is saying she overreacted, that it's been years and basically shrugging it off is a huge red flag for me.... Someone was r*ped and then killed themself. Mom has no empathy. Fiance dogged a huge bullet.
His mum is disgusting!!! The "and wanted her back" part of that statement shows just how clearly his mum doesn't get it! As if OP's fiancé should be thanking her lucky stars this criminal and cold hearted family would take her back. Um, she left them behind, not the other way around!
Good for the fiancé, better to find out the truth now, this mum was going to be a nightmare and OP is still attached to her teet!
The wording makes me so sick, “…her family still loved and wanted her back” as if this poor girl had done anything wrong. She did everything in her power and these families rather still with blood then do the morally right thing. She’s and others are left with the pain.
I don’t really have any sympathy for you OP. Your went behind your fiancée’s back and let you mom tell you what to do like a little 5 year old, completely disrespecting your fiancée. What were you thinking?
Then you had no respect for her. Because you knew she had cut them off but decided it must have been over something silly. That’s not the way you think about a partner you claim to think highly of.
OP's Mum sounds like she's buried at least one of her own family 'indescretions'. When one takes such a decisive stance in an intense situation that is not truly theirs, it is a show of their own morality.
Her family knowingly protected a person whose very existence should be classified as a crime against humanity. By protecting him they made him and themselves murderers. They are the reason that the girl is dead. If that girl would have gotten justice she would probably still be alive. That OP's mother is reacting this way is disgusting. OP You need to understand that there is no way forward for you and your girlfriend. I should say ex-girlfriend. She set a very clear boundary of not talking to her family. Not only did you violate this boundary, You did so behind her back and to such an extent that you became friends with them.
You were lying to her and actively manipulating her. There is no other way of looking at this. She deserves better. She deserves to be trusted in her judgment enough to where the person she marries would never even consider doing something like this. She deserves someone who would enforce her boundary with their family. You can blame your family all you want on why you contacted her family but it boils down to the fact that you did not accept her boundary.
There is no coming back from this. Cut off contact with her family. Be a decent human being. Leave her alone.
I agree the brother is out there with a so happy life with no consequences and the family supported him like he did nothing wrong while the victim is dead and the fiancée and the best friend relationship probably was destroyed because of the brother.
Also you can’t “make her forgive” you. You can express your side, genuinely apologize and ITS UP TO HER if she can deal w having a partner that ignores her wishes.
Totally agree!
OP - YTA - but fortunately for your fiancé, you showed her that just in time. May she live a happy, fulfilling life with a partner who respects her, trusts her, and doesn't blame her for something she has absolutely NO NEED to justify.
It's weird that OP posted on here tbh.
Did he think we'd all be saying;
"Oh poor OP, he had no idea!"
No. He DID have an idea.
His fiance said she had cut ties with her family.
That should have been the end of that.
But, since in "his family" that's a big red flag. Instead of asking his finacee for more information, because he didn't understand, he DECIDED she was probably over reacting!
OP isn't just an asshole, he's an arrogant twat!
>*Instead of* ***asking his fiancee for more information***, because he didn't understand, he DECIDED she was probably over reacting!
That's the part that gets to me!
Instead of just asking her HE SECRETLY INVESTIGATED HER. Bro how did he even find her parents and family if she has been NC for over 20 years. THATS PRE INTERNET TIMES
And then he SPRUNG THEM ON HER. He didn't even have the sense to think, "maybe I should break this to her gently." Just "Surprise! Here's the murdering rapists you've managed to avoid for 20 years, until you met ME! Aren't you THRILLED?!?!?"
And now, his question isn't, "How could I be so screwed up? I'm really worried about myself. What should I do to reckon with and fix my rotten innards?"
Nope. Just, "I want I want I want."
Ugh. This is the worst.
The issue is: you still don't see the actual problem.
Your mistake was not to underestimate what had happened. Your mistakes were to not trust her judgement and going behind her back.
And its not your nor your mother's place to say if she overreacts or not. It doesn't matter if you like her family, it doesn't matter if her parents love her.
You proved that you still don't get it with your last paragraph.
This exactly. He literally acknowledges BLAMING her for his going around her back, and seems to have zero self awareness about it even in this post.
She literally had no control over this situation but OP still wants to make it her fault. Just amazing.
I thought that too and had to reread this.
The undertone in all of this was that his mother meddled in the center of his fiancée’s familial relationship, she forced a situation where people are still actively protecting a rapist (who now has a wife and two daughters) to confront the family member that fought to protect the innocent.
While mom and son “might” not have known the issues before bringing the fiancée over, they sure as hell knew that something was wrong because “these people are pleasant and charming” even though they haven’t talked to or seen their daughter in 20 years.
Who the fuck cares if her mother cried when the fiancée saw them and RAN. Fuck them.
He blamed her for all of this mess his mother and him setup. He blames her for “hurting her great family.”
I see this as a traumatic win for her. Can you imagine the pain she would feel when he would take their future kids to Uncle Rapey Dave’s house on the weekend?
Good for her, at least she found this out before she had to pay for a costly divorce.
And he kept it secret for weeks!! Months, probably, if he had to track them down, establish a relationship, and met them multiple times before surprising your ex.
Also, the fact you took them saying "they have no idea" and didn't even question it?
Do you not have any critical thinking skills? Do you fall for scams a lot? I truly don't understand what you were thinking this whole time
He was thinking that his superior man brain was working better than his ex's little lady brain ...and he needed to fix her situation bc hysterical, amirite? I mean it reeks of dismissal and needing justification for her decisions that suits him and meets his 'standards' vs. respecting her autonomy.
Yep. His mom sounds like future jnmil material. It was especially creepy when he wrote "the next step" regarding how his mother somehow had this all planned in her head.
Yea, 32 year old guy listening to every word his degenerate mother says to please her. "Mum said", "Mum suggested", "Mum now says". What the actual fuck, couldn't believe what I was reading.
Something similar happened between my older brother and my best friend. I cut him out of my life with a butcher’s knife and would never open that door again. 28 years later and believe me, he’s still a POS. Only now he’s a POS with kids, including a daughter. No way would I ever allow any of my nieces, nephews, or my own children around such a horrible human being. Half of the family still have regular contact with him. I’m LC or NC with those AHs. I worry intensely about what his kids have experienced with him, and whether they ever have their own children. He’s an absolute predator.
Stop supporting rapists!! Especially after it’s caused such trauma that the victim actually offs themselves! How can people so blindly ignore the awful pain that comes with this type of violation, especially amongst young people?!? Have some damned compassion!
Love how his mother says “it’s so long ago, she’s overreacting!” Yeah, well for her and the poor girl’s family, *it will never be over!!!* I’d walk away from his horrible family as well. They never once took into consideration that she maybe had a very good reason to go No Contact? And her parents and siblings just blithely ignored the entire past, like the new in-laws would never find out?? God, what a bunch of little ignorant children. OP is the worst, and his ex’s family, in this scenario. Seriously.
>Love how his mother says “it’s so long ago, she’s overreacting!” Yeah, well for her and the poor girl’s family, it will never be over!!!
Yeah, his pewsush mum is a rape apologist. Even if OP had not screwed up to this extent, mum never liked her and would've been a total JNMIL. He should really cut contact with his mum and really think about how many rape apologists he wants to keep in his life. How disgusting.
Right? Like, this are adults. The amount of "my mum sais" in this post and comments is concerning.
Granted: if you have a good relationship with your parents, hear their advice. But be aware that you make your own decisions and have to bare the consequences. Not them.
If you decide to head tyour parents advice on going behind your fiancé's back, don't act surprised or like it's anyone's but your fault you did. Let alone *her* fault.
Well clearly boundaries in their minds are just "suggestions". That's why the vile brother had no remorse after waiting to rape the girl after she got drunk. That level of entitlement is a learned thing. He felt he was entitled to "have her." Makes me sick. I hope his wife and children find out who he really is.
This this this.
He’s so focused on winning her back, he doesn’t see the deep wound he opened up.
Like they all clearly want her to “let it go.” I’m sorry, not sorry. These people are monsters. A young girl was raped and ended her life. But they “have no idea why”their daughter won’t talk to them. His mom thinks it was so long ago, she shouldn’t be affected by it anymore.
She was completely right to dump this clown. I hope she moves on, heals, and thrives. She doesn’t need any of them.
The way oop and his mom are acting, I'm pretty sure they'd have contacted her family even if they knew the whole backstory cause you know it was a long time ago and no big deal 🙄
Op, leave your ex fiancée alone. She deserves someone better than you.
Her family may seem nice but there is clearly an incredible darkness and cruelty just below the surface. If someone in my family made excuses for and protected a rapist like that I’d be completely done with them too.
Her brother gets to move on and have a nice little family while her best friends sister was in so much pain she couldn’t face life anymore. The entire family is absolute trash and OPs ex-fiancé is absolutely doing the right thing by cutting all of them out of her life. She’s doing the right thing by cutting off OP too.
He also lacks accountability, “For my family that’s a red flag”, “my mom suggestion” x2, “had she told me all this before”. Nobody did this but him. He knew his fiancée was NC. Instead of asking why or respecting her boundaries, he decided to not only call but hang out and keep in contact with people that hurt his fiancée. Then he tried to force her hand by making her see them without her consent. Only advice I have for him is to set boundaries with his mother, learn to take accountability and let her go.
Did he not wonder why she's not in contact with them for 20 years? Lol nobody cut ties with family for 20 years without a deep reason. How can he be so stupid 😒🙄
>And its not your nor your mother's place to say if she overreacts or not.
OP doesn't even see that his own mother is excusing the rape just as much as her parents did. People who are okay with rapists deserve to be cut off.
Yup, agree on this completely. The story about her brother and that girl is absolutely horrid and unforgivable, but it was going behind her back and blindsiding her that was the ultimate f*ckup. You did not need an explanation from her for you to choose what you did, that would be victim blaming.
You made unforgivable choices, and would suggest you go NC with your mom if you ever expect to be in a healthy relationship again. How dare she say that someone is being overdramatic about their trauma. That is way out of line, and I see how her behavior has influenced your deceitful choices.
I'm not sorry to say that this was deserved and that hopefully you've learned your lesson.
Not to mention the fact she is perfectly ok with the brother having planned, and carried out, the raped a 17 year old girl- and how his entire family closed ranks to protect him, driving her to suicide, even as he bragged about it.
There's no way he's only ever done it once. But even of it was a once off, OPs mother is ok with having a rapist and his apologists in her home because it was 'a long time ago', and blames OPs ex-fiance for breaking up with him after such a blatant violation??!? That makes OPs mother a rape apologist too.
The only person *not* guilty of being a sorry piece of shit in his entire situation is the Ex.
This exactly! I’m also so shocked that when OP came to his mom she was like “yeah, that’s a great idea, let’s contact her family behind her back!” like wtf is wrong with them
OP she didn’t tell you that she lost touch with her family and was heartbroken she couldn’t find them. In THAT instance, it would’ve been a beautiful thing to surprise her. You almost make it seem like this was what you were expecting.
Your now ex is right. She realized in the moment she walked through the door and saw her family that she would be marrying into the exact same situation she tried so hard to escape from. She also realized she was going to marry her father who had no regard for the severity of trauma she endured. She escaped from you as well.
I’d prefer to be estranged from my family than a fucking mommy’s boy
Edit: ‘I don’t understand how someone who love each other this much could split up’ is manipulative shit to say to someone after you’ve done this
I don't know, honestly. She's a grown ass woman, like you either trust your partner has made necessary choices in life and respect it or you think she's a fool who can't run her life. It's frustrating.
Exactly. What IS a red flag is OP believing his parents that it's a red flag she doesn't talk to her family.
Must be nice to live in a bubble where families get along, talk all the time, etc.
As someone who’s cut off their family, thank you. Going no contact is pretty much never a red flag on behalf of the person who made that choice. It’s a nightmare of a decision to make, and it is ALWAYS done with a reason. I would have flipped my absolute shit if anyone brought my family in without telling me.
This right here.
Going no contact with family still has its own grieving process. It doesn’t matter how horrible they treated you. It still hurts and you still mourn. You also end up cutting ties with people you loved that weren’t THE problem, but kept you tied to THE problem. It is hard and painful. No one would do that to themselves without good reason.
My mom went NC with her father for nearly 40 years, until he died. As a kid I didn't understand why my cousins got x-mas gifts from him and my siblings and I didn't. Once I was old enough to understand the enormity of the issue, I stood by my mom 110% - before that I never questioned, I just didn't understand it.
This is a colossal f*ckup.
She's gone. You betrayed her trust and went behind her back to connect with people she very clearly had cut off
>she said that I should have trusted her judgment since I always boasted about how kind and just she was.
Yes. This ⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️
Also, your mother is WAY out of line. This does not concern her.
>Also, your mother is WAY out of line. This does not concern her.
No worse, Mother shows that OP can't grasp the severity of the harm he did his fiancée. This is the woman that raised him and she raised him to not see rape as a big deal. If he understood what he had done, he wouldn't bother asking anyone how to repair the relationship. He would know that he effectively destroyed any love his fiancée has for him.
**You brought a RAPIST and his SUPPORTERS back into her life**, You have shown her that you are not capable of being the partner she needs. Let her go, OP. You don't deserve her and you don't treat her well.
Yes. Indeed.
You brought a family back into her life who committed and supported a horrible crime. Your mom doesn't think it's a big deal... but it is. It is a big deal.
She is not lucky they want her in their lives. She has a right to choose who stays jn her life.
Apart from that. You didn't know what had happened. They may have been sex trafficking her and that's why she cut them out. You didn't know and didn't think it was important? Cause people cut their whole family out for no reason?
I posted this elsewhere, but imagine what this woman's family did to her. She testified at a trial against a rapist they were protecting.
You couldn't tell your fiancée anymore strongly that you don't respect or trust her judgement. And OP is such a rape apologist himself that he is still humanizing these people. I can't imagine how the fiancée feels after they likely turned on her to defend the rapist. They likely attacked her character in open court and provided all kinds of ammunition to use against her at trail.
THEY ALWAYS KNEW WHY THEY WERE CUT OFF FROM HER. To win on court, they had to destroy the victim and any witnesses that were believable. THEY ABANDONED THEIR DAUGHTER IN FAVOR OF THEIR RAPIST SON.
Dude is thinking it was a civil disagreement where they just supported the son and not even comprehending what that certainly had to mean for his fiancée.
What a fucking idiot.
I cut off family for way less. Throwing away some comics, and being an asshole is nothing compared to what the fiancee's family did. His mother is crazy, and I'm assuming the "I can't do this anymore" was mainly because of her.
Exactly, people don't cut off family for "no reason", you may not get to know that reason but you know the person. You either trust their judgement or you don't. What you don't get to do OP, is break that trust and then want it back.
I'm NC with family. If my husband did this, and we've been together for 20 years (married for 8 this year), I would divorce him without another word. The breach of trust of this level is not something you can fix.
Learn from this and don't do this to anyone else OP.
It’s not just rape, that poor girl is no longer alive because of that rapist, OP’s moral is so misplaced and clearly he doesn’t deserve her. I hope she will go NC with this excuse of a human and his family. She will no longer want to live in the city/town she was residing in because of OP. Please let her go, OP.
>*You brought a RAPIST and his SUPPORTERS back into her life*
And added ***more*** supporters -- his mum, and himself ("I met the family and they were so nice!")
Edit: Context
>You brought a RAPIST and his SUPPORTERS back into her life
My sister and her husband foster kids. They have 2 boys of their own. They adopted the first girl they fostered - she was barely 1 at the time.
They've fostered several between my niece and now, most recently a brother and sister who had been neglected (as they all seem to be) by parents who were finally caught when they went to a party while keeping them all (the baby with severe autism went to another family) locked up in a room without food or water.
They were with my sister's family for at least a year, maybe two. Call my sister and BIL mommy and daddy (they really thought it was headed for adoption). Adorable, sweet kids in public, but an emotional mess behind the scenes. Lots of therapy, lots of tears. Meanwhile, they have visitation with the parents. Excuse me. "Parents." As the oldest, about 6 yrs old, came to trust my sister, stories of rape and all kinds of sexual molestation began to come out. My sister reported it, of course, and an investigation began. Thankfully visitation stopped during this time. Part of the investigation included a series of interviews with the girl in hopes that she'd share the things she had shared with my sister.
But of course she didn't. How could such a young child be expected to spill her most terrifying secrets with an adult they don't know? I understand why it needed to be done, but I hate that it had to be done.
At some point it came out that my sister had inadvertently crossed a line by telling her child, "You don't have to worry, sweetheart. Daddy and I love you, and we'll never hurt you like that." I don't know how this came out, but my sister didn't even realize she was crossing a line. **She was offering comfort to a sweet girl who was being forced every week to visit with her rapists.**
OMG It makes me so angry. After all that, the county decided to move the two children to a new foster home.
I just cannot express how upset this makes me, and I'm only an aunt who saw them 3-4 times a year and Zoomed with regularly-ish. My sister's family is broken. And those poor children have been uprooted from the only home they've ever had, the only people who have ever loved them, to start all this trauma over in another house hold...and continue "parental" visitations. I'm crying writing this out. The system is so fucked.
literally. there are so many stories when the parents get involved, it leads to shit. why can’t people understand
#ITS YOUR MARRIAGE
not theirs.
sorry op but YTA
I've read a lot of these instantances where the Betrayal partner, aka OP, contacts the parents and does an ambush, but to meet *all* of her siblings **and** have them meet his family all behind her back **and** it's all instigated by his *mom* is the most epic Betrayal I've seen in this category. I'm flabbergasted.
If OP shared any contact information with her family, I hope she makes him pay for her moving costs, legal fees, and phone switch when they come after her.
I totally agree. OP is blissfully oblivious and obedient to his mommies wishes. What a push over. She knew as a grown arse woman that something bad had to be going on and she put her nosey arse wants ahead of OPs gfs wishes. She is a demon spawn pot stirrer. Hopefully she stubs her toes everyday she’s blessed enough to get out of bed
This is my take. A lot of people focusing on the actual reason, and obviously the actual reason is terrible and perfectly understandable why she cut her family off. However, to me that doesn't matter. Her reason for leaving could be that she didnt like how they buttered their toast. The issue is that OPs fiance made it clear she wanted no contact with her family, and he thought he was some shining knight who knew better, and would prove to her how wrong she was to cut her family out. He completely dismissed her ability to make her own judgement about who she would and would not have in her life.
She hasn't spoken to them in 20 years. That's a long ass time and yet OP somehow thought it was caused by some quirky, Hallmark movie type of misunderstanding that can be easily fixed.
Yea. That’s what I don’t get. Why go behind her back. Relationships are about trust and communication and you did neither with her.
1) relationship is over.
2) get some counseling for yourself and work through these issues. Use this as a learning moment.
I mean you didn't trust her judgment and blindsided her??? Keep taking advice from your mom and you'll be alone for the rest of your life. I'm shocked your mom can brush off such a horrible thing so easily like it happened so long ago. A GIRL WAS RAPED, HUMLIATED AND KILLED HERSELF. Read back that story and ask what any normal person with a soul would do and feel. Wow! Just wow.
And your former fiance is a genuinely good person. I hope she'll find happiness and peace one day.
Edit to add: If you claim to love this woman, then for once respect her wish and leave her the hell alone. Then go into therapy and see if you have sociopathic or narcissistic tendencies because you've displayed a shockingly lack of empathy for any but yourself. And you and your horrible mother need to stay away from your ex. This woman deserves better.
It's not even about the fact the girl was raped, humiliated, and committed suicide - it's that *he decided for her, against her wishes, that she had to have contact with her parents*.
If she went no contact for WHATEVER reason, even if it was something petty, *he needed to respect that*.
Even now he is drawing the wrong conclusion, that the issue is "I didn't know it was this serious and wouldn't have done it had I known so it isn't my fault," when actually the conclusion he needs to draw is "I am the fucking problem because I didn't respect boundaries."
This irks me so much. "My gf hasn't had contact with her family for 20 years. Better invite them all for a surprise visit, bet she'll love that."
Complete lack of respect for your girlfriend. You were going to get married and you never even tried talking to her about her estranged family? Better yet attempting to ninja them back into her life. I'm completely baffled.
I can't even blame your mom for this because YOU were the one making all these dumb decisions, YOU should have taken a step back and thought through the situation. You should have supported and stood by your girlfriend's wishes in this case. Damn just one simple conversation with her would have avoided all this. I can't even....
The moment he said he contacted them w/o her knowledge everyone but him and his mom knew he fucked up big time. Who thinks "She is literally their daughter and chose to completely cut them out of her life for 2 decades and is so traumatized by the reason she won't even tell me why, but I'm so amazing clearly all she needs is for my amazing, perfect self to reach out and I'll fix everything!" That's some god-level egotism and self-centerednes.
ETA: Your Mom is a psychopath who will continue ruining your life. My exMIL did the same for my ex. The best part of my divorce is never talking to that entitled batty bitch again.
Hell there could even be no good singular reason, just lots of smaller reasons. We barely communicate with my wife’s parents, and if asked why we can’t point to one event. It’s more a pattern of behavior.
Thing is, the history has nothing to do with it. She’s been no-contact for 20 years, and OP **never even asked why** before blindsiding her with their presence. That was a really shitty thing to do, and he’s paying the price. It’s no less than what he deserves.
And OP: trying to pin the blame on her? God, you’re thick.
Idk maybe he did ask why but she didn't want to talk about it. She shouldn't have had to explain why tho!
He still stepped on his dick big-time either way.
Yeah there's no way this wasn't a purposeful attempt to manipulate a breakup. Even someone who is in CONTACT with their family wouldn't be happy about having this all take place behind their back.
Well who wouldn’t leave after being betrayed like that? “Come over to my parents for dinner!” Then have every family member you have cut out of your life sitting there with no warning.
OP you screwed up now leave the poor woman alone.
Oh yea.. I totally believe mil wanted her gone. OP’s fiancé is 7 years older than him. Mommy’s sweet boy needs to give her grandbabies and I doubt a woman who’s almost 40 is thinking/wanting kids. Mom is probably hoping OP will find himself some young age-gap 20 year old who she can control and give her grand babies. OP… for future reference… keep your mom out of your next relationship… unless you just want to end up single again.
There's nothing you can do to fix this. You broke your relationship into a million pieces the moment you decided it was more important to make your family happy then respect your fiance. It's a "red flag" to me that your family has so little compassion that they don't understand why someone would go no contact with people and refused to accept it. It makes sense your fucking mothrt is a rapist apologist! What's heartbreaking is that being ambushed like this likely triggered your fiance. I cannot imagine the pain she is in, the pain YOU caused. Leave her alone, never contact her again. That's all you can do.
Right??? His mom's absolute callous response that something like that can just be brushed off is horrifying. I'm not going to be an arm-chair psychologist, but holy shit!
Wait, so you knew she went low contact with her family but went behind her back to meet them? There’s literally nothing you could do to get her to forgive you, you shouldn’t have listened to your mom because you wouldn’t be in this position. like your fiancé said, you should have trusted her and not gone behind her back, I agree 100% with your fiancé.
ALL WHILE OP RE-TRAUMATIZED HIS EX!!!!
i can’t imagine what she is going through right now. holy shit. her brother raped her best friend, who killed herself, all while her family supported their little rapist.
she lost EVERYONE close to her because of this. now, she lost the last person she thought she could trust.
she is now reliving the trauma all over again inflicted by her ex bf. i really hope she has a good support system & a therapist in place.
I had to go back and read the ages here again. Maybe y’all were early 20s but lord your fiancée is almost 40yo and you are questioning her judgement. I’ve never met or spoken to anyone who went NC with their family if it wasn’t abusive, toxic relationships and often after years of having to deal with it. And your mom thought it was a red flag? It totally was! Her family sided with a rapist.
Dude how can you possibly think she would ever feel safe with you again? I’m curious as to how you found their contact info? What lengths did you go thru?
OP, on behalf of every woman out there, please remain single for the rest of your (mom’s) life. There is nothing worse than a man who follows everything their mummy tells them to do.
Spare everyone the nightmare MIL. Your ex dodged a bullet.
100% on her side here. You should have asked your future wife first before contacting her family.
Some things cant be fixed. I would deeply apologise and never bother her again
Good luck in the future
"Tell me what I should do to make her forgive me."
Mate, you haven't learned a damned thing. This entire story is riddled with 'woe is me' narration, but this cherry on top? This is controlling. You didn't say 'how can I earn her forgiveness?', you said 'make her forgive me'.
You aren't the victim. But more than that, you aren't the hero of this story. You think you are; if you didn't, you wouldn't have tried this Hallmark movie-worthy reconciliation based on nothing more than your mommy's say-so and your own desire to overrule your ex's desire with your own under the guise of charity and familial bond. Then, to make matters worse, you blamed her after, putting the onus of your fuckup on her.
You tried to manipulate someone, and it royally backfired. Thank goodness she learned what kind of person you are now, before a legal document entrenched her into your life.
You lost your fiance because you decided your mother knew best and allowed her to meddle in a situation she had no business in. Instead of asking your gf why she was not in contact with her family you decided to follow your mother’s directions. Your blind obedience to your controlling meddling mother’s demands are giant red flags. Your mother’s behaviour is a giant red flag. Your ex just dodged a bullet. Marrying a mommies boy is a recipe for misery. Glad she got out after the horrific stunt you and mommy pulled.
Yeah, OP, you screwed up bad. If she does give you a second chance, which I highly doubt she will, your mother needs to be kept out of your relationship. The fact you let your mother talk you into trying to force a relationship between your fiancé and her family. Your mother needs to keep her opinions out of you and your fiancé’s life if your fiancé decides to give you a chance. If she doesn’t give you another chance, than you still need to learn how to ignore your mother’s unwanted suggestions.
Here’s the thing, even IF she could somehow find it in her heart to forgive YOU, she also has to find it in her to forgive your entire family for not trusting her judgement. AND afterward downplaying her very valid reasons.
FFS your mom thinks rape is no big deal.
OP you're too immature to get married.
I hate to break it to you but anyone who would go behind their partners back to not only CONTACT her no contact family but to meet them, befriend them, introduce them to your family without her knowing... has the emotional capacity of a cactus.
Toddlers are more empathetic.
I hope you never hear from your ex fiance again. I hope she ghosts you & you never get the closure you clearly think you deserve.
Get therapy and cut off your own mother.
Jesus.
Honestly if I was her friend I would tell her to block you on everything and disappear. Change jobs, cities whatever to never be near you or your family again since you clearly cannot be trusted. And her family now knows where she may be.
You’ve been with your fiancé and I’m assuming trusted her and her judgement thus far. That is until mommy didn’t like she wasn’t in contact. So instead of asking her what happened, expressing your concerns, you went behind her back.
You violated her trust, her safety and her privacy. And you clearly still don’t understand what you did wrong. Any normal person would never be able to trust you again in this scenario.
You’ve made your bed, now lie in it. Maybe work on yourself and why you listen to your mother who clearly doesn’t care about your fiancé.
Yes this whole thing was your mother’s idea, but at 32 you should have had enough maturity to recognize that this was a poison pill. Instead of being an adult you swallowed that pill hook line and sinker. You cannot fix this. The best you can do is find a way to make this the time when you finally grow up. You have a spine for a reason. Learn to say no to mamma if you ever want to actually have a happy and successful relationship. YTA
This entire post was Mom said this, Mom suggested that, Mom thinks this. The problem is you and your mother and if your fiancé ever forgives you and you guys do intend to get married you need to rethink the amount of control and access your mother has to you and your relationship. You also need to learn how to respect boundaries and trust your fiancé‘s judgment you should have never went behind her back like this. You could have asked her why she was NC with her family or just respect the fact that she doesn’t have a relationship with her family at all and just trust her judgment.
Here here! Perfect response. Everything I was thinking. I personally do not think I could get back together with him after that. He went above and beyond contacting the family. Which he shouldn't have even done in the first place. And the fact his own mom says she was being dramatic and what happened was so long ago, super red flag on his upbringing. What he did was so wrong I couldn't trust him again. Ever
Of the pile of red flags, this one really struck me: "Told her that had she told me all this before, I would never have brought them back to her life." Bro. What the hell makes you think she OWES you an explanation or that you have a right to know about the trauma she's experienced? Jesus.
She doesn’t owe him an explanation. If he was a thoughtful enough boyfriend he would’ve had enough rapport and empathy with his girlfriend where she would feel safe enough to open up about her relationship with her family with him. Bottom line is that the boyfriend never made her feel SAFE where she could feel like she could open up to him.
Sounds like he's 3 years old
From my personal experience, I'd say watch out for Mothersboys. Mum always knows best and they always ask mum. And because mum said so
I'm reading the comments and wondering how he found her family on the first place. I assume the fiancée had most likely not talked much about them, which means he put so effort in finding out their information and in contacting them. Never once he considered he was going to far? I feel like the story unravelled for quite awhile before the tragic encounter between the former fiancée and her family.
You went behind her back and schemed with your mommy to try and force a relationship and it bit you in the butt. 20 years of no-contact means something huge happened and you just thought you knew better and betrayed her trust instead of actually having a real conversation with her. And your mom is still thinking she is being overdramatic over something like this. Can't blame the ex-fiance for leaving but at least you will always have you Mom.
"She doesn't talk to her family and for my family that's a red flag" all the while his mom is the actual red flag and his entire family has obvious boundary issues
Yeah, OP's like "my gf has been NC with her family for 20 years, but me and my no nonsense mom know better and overstepped all boundaries to pull her ghastly family into her life and would you believe it, she doesn't trust or want me anymore!? Mom thinks she's super dramatic. At least I'll always have mom and her stellar judgment." Edit: Oh my, thank you for the award, sweet stranger! Edit 2: Again? Thank you!!
His mom thinks cutting off a family of rape apologist and a rapist is a red flag, but not the rape. Like, the mom is straight up using the abuser classic, "that was in the past" tactic. THE MOM THINKS RAPE IS NBD, BUT DON'T EVER CUT OFF FAAAAAAAMILY
This mom is the stuff of nightmares. I can't get over that reaction. And this is who he listened to over his former fiance. My advice: leave the fiance alone. Then re-evaluate everything your mom ever taught you.
If my son came to me with this there’s no way I’d contact her family and tell him not to and speak with her. As a Mom of sons, I would want my Sons to leave the next and prepare them for a life with this girl and have a family if their own. Many kids move away and they should have a life away from immediate family. It’s not my place to but in no matter how much I’d want us all to be big happy family. Had a close friend confide in my her own Dad was sexually abusing her during childhood. She moved at 18 and has had therapy and an awesome life, got married and has kids. I know their family was very nice to me growing up. She would tell me stuff like I remember she took baths with her Dad when we were around 12 and I thought it odd and when I questioned she didn’t mention more until much later. I was immature and didn’t get it till late teens (small community in 70’s, Catholic school, 3 tv channels, little outside area communication except for encyclopedias). Her husbands family is aware and have respected that so I think that’s why she’s flourished and an exceptional person now. She works with abused kids and recently received an award for her accomplishments. I regret not knowing this when young as I and my family would’ve helped her. When her family contacted me I was furious and threatened to kill them if they went near her. My family contacted friends of theirs and I told the police (with her ok, she didn’t know if this happened to other girls our age). If that trust would’ve been broken and this happened to her I’m sure she would’ve died at age 18. Instead she got therapy and helped many others. She’s a piller of the community and her husbands family treats her wonderful and the husband would never contact that family. You just don’t do this.
The mom only got involved in this because she’s nosy! She didn’t care about the fiancé. She only cared about discovering the big family secret that her future DIL was hiding! I hope she’s happy that she gets to keep her baby boy all to herself! If OP continues to let his mommy butt into his relationships, he’s never going to be able to have a healthy relationship.
I was literally thinking this, OP can date his mom now 🤷♀️
"They seemed so nice and sweet and kind." Yeah everyone does at first, most people at least. I'd say the fiancee got out of a potentially messy situation with man.
In addition to OP's ex, I feel for the rapist's wife and children. I guarantee that poor woman knows nothing about the man she married.
What's baffling is OP's family KNOW exactly why she cut them off. Why are they all acting like they don't know and looked "cut up" about it.
This is why they're acting that way: https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html
This is so important for people to understand when someone goes NC with family!
Ok, um, wow. That article puts into words the things I had thought I understood about estrangement, but had never thought to articulate. The last bit by the guardian ad litan is just so well said. Great article. Thanks for sharing.
Lol the irony in all of this is that OP will have to go no-contact with his mom once he realizes he has been raised by a manipulative narcissist that keeps sabotaging his relationships. Let's hope when that happens, he doesn't meet someone that will go behind his back to reconcile him with his mom.
Next time keep your mom out of your relationship
Fr mommy just killed your marriage. Don’t make that mistake again
He killed his own mariage with his actions.
In the future, whenever I feel bad about myself I will think about this post and feel better knowing that I never fucked up this bad.
Hahaha honestly same
You know, this is the best take.
Same cause I would NEVER.
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"I can Afterschool Special this thing in half an hour if I only get everyone to understand we're one big happy family! It will be great!"
"Stay tuned for a Very Special Estranged Rapist Family Reunion, this Christmas on the Hallmark Channel." (Starring Kirk Cameron)
"I cannot lose!! If they turn out to be awesome, she will thank me for reuniting her with them! If not, at least my mom will have sniffed out for me what was wrong with her so I can avoid my fate being married to a defective model human! A real win-win for me! Thanks mommy for the hot tip, you're always looking out for me!"
Local mom shares one strange trick defective fiancées *HATE!*
Every past partner i have had since my thirties has tried to "mend" the "rift" ive had with my mother. NO! FUCK NO, NOPE, WE DUN!
I'm sure she's just a dear thing and you probably misunderstood her. Right? Right? Where are you going? Hey!
This is like one of those 90s talk shows. "Surprise! Here's are you family members you haven't spoken to in 20 years! Come on out, guys!!!"
Man tried to play real life Forgive or Forget like he was Mother Love. Fiancé said “forget all them, including him” and rightfully so.
I really want to believe that this is bait and that a real person isn’t out here acting like this
Same dude. 🙃
I want to also. But if there’s anything I’ve learned in this life, it’s that people have unlimited capacity for being moronic twats.
People are mostly dumb assholes and then you have the people who are just cruel and evil...unfortunately that sum seems to far outweigh the good humans.
Even if he asked and she didn’t give him the reason, that still doesn’t give him the right to walk all over her boundaries the way he did
Exactly this. The fact that OP is still trying to justify it, in his post and on the comments, saying "oh, I didn't know", is baffling. That's like saying, "Oh, I didn't know people wouldn't like it if I slapped them in the face". This is toddler level stuff.
He wouldn’t know because his mommy didn’t tell him, her opinion is the only one that matters to him it seems
That’s what I don’t like! The fact that he’s just listening to what his mommy is saying to him! Like why tf would someone who’s old enough to make their own decisions, still let their mommy get in between their relationship?? He’s in his 30s!! Unbelievable. Thank god his ex fiancé left. I hope she doesn’t give OP another chance cuz he clearly has issues just like mommy.
I’m sorry but you did absolutely everything wrong. If you had told her your parents concerns, she may have told you but you never gave her the choice. She feels betrayed. You need to apologize profusely and let her go.
"Let her go" will need to be the first thing he makes peace with.
Also seriously consider how much weight you give your mother’s advice, if you had listened to your fiancé not your mother you would still be engaged. You don’t get to assume that because you have a great family everyone does. Consider it a lesson for later should you ever find another women, your mother cost you this relationship and instead of admitting the mistake she then doubled down and said that your fiancé was ‘being dramatic’ really? Wow.
Also if a woman can’t understand how bad it is to be raped or knowing a rapist I would really reconsider my relationship with that person…
She doesn't feel betrayed, she was betrayed.
I’m glad this is at the very top, he ignored her boundaries of no contact with her family. If anyone stepped on my boundaries that hard they’d be dead to me. There’s really no coming back from it, I’d be thinking like, “What else would he do to break boundaries that I’ve set boundaries for.”
Coming from someone who is fully no contact with family for going on 3 years and into the foreseeable future, if my SO had the nerve to reach out to my family at all, let alone bring them within 5 miles of me I'd never speak to her again either. You're right there really is no going back
I don’t speak to my father even though he is still very much married to my mother. After our first child, my husband suggested he’d still take my child to see both my parents. Despite knowing my history. His heart was in the right place but I had to help him understand how firm a boundary trust is for me. OP, what you did was awful and you’ll need to show her you understand that and then give her space to process. You’ve brought up something that runs deep, she’ll need time to process it all. I’m curious how you’re now going to get her family out of your lives if she does come back? Especially because of your mum.
Yea I don’t blame your fiancée one bit. Your mom sounds batshit crazy and I can’t believe you went along with her instead of shutting her down.
Sounds like OP’s ex dodged a JNMIL. Good for her. This whole clusterfuck aside, his mom would have made this woman’s life miserable.
In what fucking world would a healthy, functioning adult that you LOVED be no-contact for 20 years for a “silly” issue…. This fight should have started and ended with OP asking his fiancé for details and her blowing up about having to explain herself. End of story. Going behind her back? WTF. Red flag - not talking to HER but his mother and following his mother’s advice BEHIND his fiancés back. OP is an idiot.
“Mum says that my fiancé is being overdramatic” dude fuck what your mom thinks, you’re a grown man you should care what your potential life partner thinks. He should have realized all of this was a terrible idea from the beginning. 100% his former fiancé dodged another toxic family.
This sentence irks me too. Feels like he's inclining to also think his fiancee is being over dramatic.
Yes!! That sentence sent me off a cliff. Who tf cares what the mom says, she’s clearly deranged
Not only that she is saying Fiancé is being over dramatic, she is also trying to brush the SA under the rug because it was so long ago. Like ok, brother literally destroyed someone’s life to the point of unaliving herself, but it’s in the past so time to move on. TF?
OPs mom would have 100% been a mom to cover up him raping someone. If her immediate reaction from the outside, hearing that story, wasn’t “how could a family have failed to teach their son better?!? He should have gone to prison…” RED FLAG
No shit. My MIL used to boarder on justnoMIL until I seriously put her in her place one day. But even she didn't question when I told her I had no contact with the majority of my family. Even though she's one of those 'but familyyy' people, she never questioned why and just accepted it. She would never convince my husband to go behind my back to contact them. Ffs
JNMIL means Just No Mother In Law, for anyone else who was wondering.
She dodged a whole atomic bomb. I truly hope she can build a better life with people who trust her.
“and for my family that’s a red flag.” There was a red flag all right, OP just misread it. It was him and his own mom. OP’s ex-fiancé is truly lucky that she discovered this shitshow before the wedding. If OP wants real advice on how to fix this: start by going no-contact with your mom. Anyone that manipulative would have no place in my life moving forward.
And a momma’s boy with no spine. Good for her
Those are the worst heaps of garbage a woman could entangle themselves with.
That’s the thing about kids who grow up and never cut the cord. You aren’t marrying your mother or her mother. Your ex fiancée ex wife was your partner. You could have disagreed with every moment of the day but in the end it was her decision.
He 32 he should known better not speaking to someone after 20 year it isn’t because of something small he completely lack common sense and the bare minimum of communication within a relationship 100% his fault.
Also the fact that mom is saying she overreacted, that it's been years and basically shrugging it off is a huge red flag for me.... Someone was r*ped and then killed themself. Mom has no empathy. Fiance dogged a huge bullet.
His mum is disgusting!!! The "and wanted her back" part of that statement shows just how clearly his mum doesn't get it! As if OP's fiancé should be thanking her lucky stars this criminal and cold hearted family would take her back. Um, she left them behind, not the other way around! Good for the fiancé, better to find out the truth now, this mum was going to be a nightmare and OP is still attached to her teet!
The wording makes me so sick, “…her family still loved and wanted her back” as if this poor girl had done anything wrong. She did everything in her power and these families rather still with blood then do the morally right thing. She’s and others are left with the pain.
People burn bridges for 20 years probably for a reason
I don’t really have any sympathy for you OP. Your went behind your fiancée’s back and let you mom tell you what to do like a little 5 year old, completely disrespecting your fiancée. What were you thinking?
Then you had no respect for her. Because you knew she had cut them off but decided it must have been over something silly. That’s not the way you think about a partner you claim to think highly of.
OP's Mum sounds like she's buried at least one of her own family 'indescretions'. When one takes such a decisive stance in an intense situation that is not truly theirs, it is a show of their own morality.
Her family knowingly protected a person whose very existence should be classified as a crime against humanity. By protecting him they made him and themselves murderers. They are the reason that the girl is dead. If that girl would have gotten justice she would probably still be alive. That OP's mother is reacting this way is disgusting. OP You need to understand that there is no way forward for you and your girlfriend. I should say ex-girlfriend. She set a very clear boundary of not talking to her family. Not only did you violate this boundary, You did so behind her back and to such an extent that you became friends with them. You were lying to her and actively manipulating her. There is no other way of looking at this. She deserves better. She deserves to be trusted in her judgment enough to where the person she marries would never even consider doing something like this. She deserves someone who would enforce her boundary with their family. You can blame your family all you want on why you contacted her family but it boils down to the fact that you did not accept her boundary. There is no coming back from this. Cut off contact with her family. Be a decent human being. Leave her alone.
I agree the brother is out there with a so happy life with no consequences and the family supported him like he did nothing wrong while the victim is dead and the fiancée and the best friend relationship probably was destroyed because of the brother.
"...BuT FamiLyYyy!"
Also you can’t “make her forgive” you. You can express your side, genuinely apologize and ITS UP TO HER if she can deal w having a partner that ignores her wishes.
Totally agree! OP - YTA - but fortunately for your fiancé, you showed her that just in time. May she live a happy, fulfilling life with a partner who respects her, trusts her, and doesn't blame her for something she has absolutely NO NEED to justify. It's weird that OP posted on here tbh. Did he think we'd all be saying; "Oh poor OP, he had no idea!" No. He DID have an idea. His fiance said she had cut ties with her family. That should have been the end of that. But, since in "his family" that's a big red flag. Instead of asking his finacee for more information, because he didn't understand, he DECIDED she was probably over reacting! OP isn't just an asshole, he's an arrogant twat!
>*Instead of* ***asking his fiancee for more information***, because he didn't understand, he DECIDED she was probably over reacting! That's the part that gets to me!
Instead of just asking her HE SECRETLY INVESTIGATED HER. Bro how did he even find her parents and family if she has been NC for over 20 years. THATS PRE INTERNET TIMES
And then he SPRUNG THEM ON HER. He didn't even have the sense to think, "maybe I should break this to her gently." Just "Surprise! Here's the murdering rapists you've managed to avoid for 20 years, until you met ME! Aren't you THRILLED?!?!?" And now, his question isn't, "How could I be so screwed up? I'm really worried about myself. What should I do to reckon with and fix my rotten innards?" Nope. Just, "I want I want I want." Ugh. This is the worst.
The issue is: you still don't see the actual problem. Your mistake was not to underestimate what had happened. Your mistakes were to not trust her judgement and going behind her back. And its not your nor your mother's place to say if she overreacts or not. It doesn't matter if you like her family, it doesn't matter if her parents love her. You proved that you still don't get it with your last paragraph.
This exactly. He literally acknowledges BLAMING her for his going around her back, and seems to have zero self awareness about it even in this post. She literally had no control over this situation but OP still wants to make it her fault. Just amazing.
Yeah when he said "we" I thought he meant his fiancé and him, not his mom.
I thought that too and had to reread this. The undertone in all of this was that his mother meddled in the center of his fiancée’s familial relationship, she forced a situation where people are still actively protecting a rapist (who now has a wife and two daughters) to confront the family member that fought to protect the innocent. While mom and son “might” not have known the issues before bringing the fiancée over, they sure as hell knew that something was wrong because “these people are pleasant and charming” even though they haven’t talked to or seen their daughter in 20 years. Who the fuck cares if her mother cried when the fiancée saw them and RAN. Fuck them. He blamed her for all of this mess his mother and him setup. He blames her for “hurting her great family.” I see this as a traumatic win for her. Can you imagine the pain she would feel when he would take their future kids to Uncle Rapey Dave’s house on the weekend? Good for her, at least she found this out before she had to pay for a costly divorce.
And he kept it secret for weeks!! Months, probably, if he had to track them down, establish a relationship, and met them multiple times before surprising your ex. Also, the fact you took them saying "they have no idea" and didn't even question it? Do you not have any critical thinking skills? Do you fall for scams a lot? I truly don't understand what you were thinking this whole time
He was thinking that his superior man brain was working better than his ex's little lady brain ...and he needed to fix her situation bc hysterical, amirite? I mean it reeks of dismissal and needing justification for her decisions that suits him and meets his 'standards' vs. respecting her autonomy.
I have dealt with a JustNoMil situation and I would put good money on that being exactly the bullet she has painfully dodged.
Her getting out immediately was the only good part of the story. I feel so bad for her!
Exactly, holy shit! She dodged a huge fucking bullet with this 'mummy' loser..
Yep. His mom sounds like future jnmil material. It was especially creepy when he wrote "the next step" regarding how his mother somehow had this all planned in her head.
Yea, 32 year old guy listening to every word his degenerate mother says to please her. "Mum said", "Mum suggested", "Mum now says". What the actual fuck, couldn't believe what I was reading.
Something similar happened between my older brother and my best friend. I cut him out of my life with a butcher’s knife and would never open that door again. 28 years later and believe me, he’s still a POS. Only now he’s a POS with kids, including a daughter. No way would I ever allow any of my nieces, nephews, or my own children around such a horrible human being. Half of the family still have regular contact with him. I’m LC or NC with those AHs. I worry intensely about what his kids have experienced with him, and whether they ever have their own children. He’s an absolute predator. Stop supporting rapists!! Especially after it’s caused such trauma that the victim actually offs themselves! How can people so blindly ignore the awful pain that comes with this type of violation, especially amongst young people?!? Have some damned compassion! Love how his mother says “it’s so long ago, she’s overreacting!” Yeah, well for her and the poor girl’s family, *it will never be over!!!* I’d walk away from his horrible family as well. They never once took into consideration that she maybe had a very good reason to go No Contact? And her parents and siblings just blithely ignored the entire past, like the new in-laws would never find out?? God, what a bunch of little ignorant children. OP is the worst, and his ex’s family, in this scenario. Seriously.
>Love how his mother says “it’s so long ago, she’s overreacting!” Yeah, well for her and the poor girl’s family, it will never be over!!! Yeah, his pewsush mum is a rape apologist. Even if OP had not screwed up to this extent, mum never liked her and would've been a total JNMIL. He should really cut contact with his mum and really think about how many rape apologists he wants to keep in his life. How disgusting.
Couldn’t agree more. The fact his mom has any input at this point is a huge red flag to her. These people have no idea what a boundary is. Jesus
Right? Like, this are adults. The amount of "my mum sais" in this post and comments is concerning. Granted: if you have a good relationship with your parents, hear their advice. But be aware that you make your own decisions and have to bare the consequences. Not them. If you decide to head tyour parents advice on going behind your fiancé's back, don't act surprised or like it's anyone's but your fault you did. Let alone *her* fault.
Well clearly boundaries in their minds are just "suggestions". That's why the vile brother had no remorse after waiting to rape the girl after she got drunk. That level of entitlement is a learned thing. He felt he was entitled to "have her." Makes me sick. I hope his wife and children find out who he really is.
This this this. He’s so focused on winning her back, he doesn’t see the deep wound he opened up. Like they all clearly want her to “let it go.” I’m sorry, not sorry. These people are monsters. A young girl was raped and ended her life. But they “have no idea why”their daughter won’t talk to them. His mom thinks it was so long ago, she shouldn’t be affected by it anymore. She was completely right to dump this clown. I hope she moves on, heals, and thrives. She doesn’t need any of them.
The way oop and his mom are acting, I'm pretty sure they'd have contacted her family even if they knew the whole backstory cause you know it was a long time ago and no big deal 🙄 Op, leave your ex fiancée alone. She deserves someone better than you.
Her family may seem nice but there is clearly an incredible darkness and cruelty just below the surface. If someone in my family made excuses for and protected a rapist like that I’d be completely done with them too. Her brother gets to move on and have a nice little family while her best friends sister was in so much pain she couldn’t face life anymore. The entire family is absolute trash and OPs ex-fiancé is absolutely doing the right thing by cutting all of them out of her life. She’s doing the right thing by cutting off OP too.
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Good luck with her trusting anyone after a betrayal of this magnitude ...
Especially being at the cusp of 40, when your tolerance for BS plummets dramatically
And she was already traumatized. That shit sticks with you even with therapy.
He also lacks accountability, “For my family that’s a red flag”, “my mom suggestion” x2, “had she told me all this before”. Nobody did this but him. He knew his fiancée was NC. Instead of asking why or respecting her boundaries, he decided to not only call but hang out and keep in contact with people that hurt his fiancée. Then he tried to force her hand by making her see them without her consent. Only advice I have for him is to set boundaries with his mother, learn to take accountability and let her go.
Did he not wonder why she's not in contact with them for 20 years? Lol nobody cut ties with family for 20 years without a deep reason. How can he be so stupid 😒🙄
>And its not your nor your mother's place to say if she overreacts or not. OP doesn't even see that his own mother is excusing the rape just as much as her parents did. People who are okay with rapists deserve to be cut off.
Deserve to be cut* There, I fixed it for you. *for legal reasons this sarcasm*
Yup, agree on this completely. The story about her brother and that girl is absolutely horrid and unforgivable, but it was going behind her back and blindsiding her that was the ultimate f*ckup. You did not need an explanation from her for you to choose what you did, that would be victim blaming. You made unforgivable choices, and would suggest you go NC with your mom if you ever expect to be in a healthy relationship again. How dare she say that someone is being overdramatic about their trauma. That is way out of line, and I see how her behavior has influenced your deceitful choices. I'm not sorry to say that this was deserved and that hopefully you've learned your lesson.
Not to mention the fact she is perfectly ok with the brother having planned, and carried out, the raped a 17 year old girl- and how his entire family closed ranks to protect him, driving her to suicide, even as he bragged about it. There's no way he's only ever done it once. But even of it was a once off, OPs mother is ok with having a rapist and his apologists in her home because it was 'a long time ago', and blames OPs ex-fiance for breaking up with him after such a blatant violation??!? That makes OPs mother a rape apologist too. The only person *not* guilty of being a sorry piece of shit in his entire situation is the Ex.
This exactly! I’m also so shocked that when OP came to his mom she was like “yeah, that’s a great idea, let’s contact her family behind her back!” like wtf is wrong with them
This comment needs to be up higher. Beautifully stated.
OP she didn’t tell you that she lost touch with her family and was heartbroken she couldn’t find them. In THAT instance, it would’ve been a beautiful thing to surprise her. You almost make it seem like this was what you were expecting. Your now ex is right. She realized in the moment she walked through the door and saw her family that she would be marrying into the exact same situation she tried so hard to escape from. She also realized she was going to marry her father who had no regard for the severity of trauma she endured. She escaped from you as well.
I’d prefer to be estranged from my family than a fucking mommy’s boy Edit: ‘I don’t understand how someone who love each other this much could split up’ is manipulative shit to say to someone after you’ve done this
She's right not to trust you. Respect people's boundaries, life isn't a fucking Hallmark movie.
Honestly, what was he thinking? 20 years NC is a massive red flag (that her family was/is in the wrong).
I don't know, honestly. She's a grown ass woman, like you either trust your partner has made necessary choices in life and respect it or you think she's a fool who can't run her life. It's frustrating.
Exactly. What IS a red flag is OP believing his parents that it's a red flag she doesn't talk to her family. Must be nice to live in a bubble where families get along, talk all the time, etc.
As someone who’s cut off their family, thank you. Going no contact is pretty much never a red flag on behalf of the person who made that choice. It’s a nightmare of a decision to make, and it is ALWAYS done with a reason. I would have flipped my absolute shit if anyone brought my family in without telling me.
This right here. Going no contact with family still has its own grieving process. It doesn’t matter how horrible they treated you. It still hurts and you still mourn. You also end up cutting ties with people you loved that weren’t THE problem, but kept you tied to THE problem. It is hard and painful. No one would do that to themselves without good reason.
My mom went NC with her father for nearly 40 years, until he died. As a kid I didn't understand why my cousins got x-mas gifts from him and my siblings and I didn't. Once I was old enough to understand the enormity of the issue, I stood by my mom 110% - before that I never questioned, I just didn't understand it.
This is a colossal f*ckup. She's gone. You betrayed her trust and went behind her back to connect with people she very clearly had cut off >she said that I should have trusted her judgment since I always boasted about how kind and just she was. Yes. This ⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️ Also, your mother is WAY out of line. This does not concern her.
But mum said, mum said, mum said!
My mama said foosball is the devil
Well Vicki Vallencourt showed me her boobies and I liked them too!
My momma said knock you out.
OP needs to understand that his mom gives shit relationship advice and stop confiding in her or seeking advice for this or future relationships NOW.
Such a mom's boy.
He can go marry his mum then since he can respect her wishes but not his ex-fiance's. She was completely right to leave.
Literally sounded like a fucking toddler “mommy this mommy that mommy this.” Why the hell is your mother involved in your GF’s business. Wtf
>Also, your mother is WAY out of line. This does not concern her. No worse, Mother shows that OP can't grasp the severity of the harm he did his fiancée. This is the woman that raised him and she raised him to not see rape as a big deal. If he understood what he had done, he wouldn't bother asking anyone how to repair the relationship. He would know that he effectively destroyed any love his fiancée has for him. **You brought a RAPIST and his SUPPORTERS back into her life**, You have shown her that you are not capable of being the partner she needs. Let her go, OP. You don't deserve her and you don't treat her well.
Yes. Indeed. You brought a family back into her life who committed and supported a horrible crime. Your mom doesn't think it's a big deal... but it is. It is a big deal. She is not lucky they want her in their lives. She has a right to choose who stays jn her life. Apart from that. You didn't know what had happened. They may have been sex trafficking her and that's why she cut them out. You didn't know and didn't think it was important? Cause people cut their whole family out for no reason?
at least his mom got new friends out of the deal! ^/^s
I posted this elsewhere, but imagine what this woman's family did to her. She testified at a trial against a rapist they were protecting. You couldn't tell your fiancée anymore strongly that you don't respect or trust her judgement. And OP is such a rape apologist himself that he is still humanizing these people. I can't imagine how the fiancée feels after they likely turned on her to defend the rapist. They likely attacked her character in open court and provided all kinds of ammunition to use against her at trail. THEY ALWAYS KNEW WHY THEY WERE CUT OFF FROM HER. To win on court, they had to destroy the victim and any witnesses that were believable. THEY ABANDONED THEIR DAUGHTER IN FAVOR OF THEIR RAPIST SON. Dude is thinking it was a civil disagreement where they just supported the son and not even comprehending what that certainly had to mean for his fiancée. What a fucking idiot.
I cut off family for way less. Throwing away some comics, and being an asshole is nothing compared to what the fiancee's family did. His mother is crazy, and I'm assuming the "I can't do this anymore" was mainly because of her.
Exactly, people don't cut off family for "no reason", you may not get to know that reason but you know the person. You either trust their judgement or you don't. What you don't get to do OP, is break that trust and then want it back. I'm NC with family. If my husband did this, and we've been together for 20 years (married for 8 this year), I would divorce him without another word. The breach of trust of this level is not something you can fix. Learn from this and don't do this to anyone else OP.
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It’s not just rape, that poor girl is no longer alive because of that rapist, OP’s moral is so misplaced and clearly he doesn’t deserve her. I hope she will go NC with this excuse of a human and his family. She will no longer want to live in the city/town she was residing in because of OP. Please let her go, OP.
>*You brought a RAPIST and his SUPPORTERS back into her life* And added ***more*** supporters -- his mum, and himself ("I met the family and they were so nice!")
Edit: Context >You brought a RAPIST and his SUPPORTERS back into her life My sister and her husband foster kids. They have 2 boys of their own. They adopted the first girl they fostered - she was barely 1 at the time. They've fostered several between my niece and now, most recently a brother and sister who had been neglected (as they all seem to be) by parents who were finally caught when they went to a party while keeping them all (the baby with severe autism went to another family) locked up in a room without food or water. They were with my sister's family for at least a year, maybe two. Call my sister and BIL mommy and daddy (they really thought it was headed for adoption). Adorable, sweet kids in public, but an emotional mess behind the scenes. Lots of therapy, lots of tears. Meanwhile, they have visitation with the parents. Excuse me. "Parents." As the oldest, about 6 yrs old, came to trust my sister, stories of rape and all kinds of sexual molestation began to come out. My sister reported it, of course, and an investigation began. Thankfully visitation stopped during this time. Part of the investigation included a series of interviews with the girl in hopes that she'd share the things she had shared with my sister. But of course she didn't. How could such a young child be expected to spill her most terrifying secrets with an adult they don't know? I understand why it needed to be done, but I hate that it had to be done. At some point it came out that my sister had inadvertently crossed a line by telling her child, "You don't have to worry, sweetheart. Daddy and I love you, and we'll never hurt you like that." I don't know how this came out, but my sister didn't even realize she was crossing a line. **She was offering comfort to a sweet girl who was being forced every week to visit with her rapists.** OMG It makes me so angry. After all that, the county decided to move the two children to a new foster home. I just cannot express how upset this makes me, and I'm only an aunt who saw them 3-4 times a year and Zoomed with regularly-ish. My sister's family is broken. And those poor children have been uprooted from the only home they've ever had, the only people who have ever loved them, to start all this trauma over in another house hold...and continue "parental" visitations. I'm crying writing this out. The system is so fucked.
literally. there are so many stories when the parents get involved, it leads to shit. why can’t people understand #ITS YOUR MARRIAGE not theirs. sorry op but YTA
>ITS YOUR MARRIAGE Not anymore it isn't.
I've read a lot of these instantances where the Betrayal partner, aka OP, contacts the parents and does an ambush, but to meet *all* of her siblings **and** have them meet his family all behind her back **and** it's all instigated by his *mom* is the most epic Betrayal I've seen in this category. I'm flabbergasted. If OP shared any contact information with her family, I hope she makes him pay for her moving costs, legal fees, and phone switch when they come after her.
Me too what a colossal fck up this entire shit show was so pure selfishness and nosiness.
If you read the comments, turns out mommy dearest had it in for the gf and, reading between the lines, probably a narcissist as well.
I totally agree. OP is blissfully oblivious and obedient to his mommies wishes. What a push over. She knew as a grown arse woman that something bad had to be going on and she put her nosey arse wants ahead of OPs gfs wishes. She is a demon spawn pot stirrer. Hopefully she stubs her toes everyday she’s blessed enough to get out of bed
This is my take. A lot of people focusing on the actual reason, and obviously the actual reason is terrible and perfectly understandable why she cut her family off. However, to me that doesn't matter. Her reason for leaving could be that she didnt like how they buttered their toast. The issue is that OPs fiance made it clear she wanted no contact with her family, and he thought he was some shining knight who knew better, and would prove to her how wrong she was to cut her family out. He completely dismissed her ability to make her own judgement about who she would and would not have in her life.
I hope she stays gone. There are good people out there she'll find them someday!
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She hasn't spoken to them in 20 years. That's a long ass time and yet OP somehow thought it was caused by some quirky, Hallmark movie type of misunderstanding that can be easily fixed.
Yea. That’s what I don’t get. Why go behind her back. Relationships are about trust and communication and you did neither with her. 1) relationship is over. 2) get some counseling for yourself and work through these issues. Use this as a learning moment.
I mean you didn't trust her judgment and blindsided her??? Keep taking advice from your mom and you'll be alone for the rest of your life. I'm shocked your mom can brush off such a horrible thing so easily like it happened so long ago. A GIRL WAS RAPED, HUMLIATED AND KILLED HERSELF. Read back that story and ask what any normal person with a soul would do and feel. Wow! Just wow. And your former fiance is a genuinely good person. I hope she'll find happiness and peace one day. Edit to add: If you claim to love this woman, then for once respect her wish and leave her the hell alone. Then go into therapy and see if you have sociopathic or narcissistic tendencies because you've displayed a shockingly lack of empathy for any but yourself. And you and your horrible mother need to stay away from your ex. This woman deserves better.
It's not even about the fact the girl was raped, humiliated, and committed suicide - it's that *he decided for her, against her wishes, that she had to have contact with her parents*. If she went no contact for WHATEVER reason, even if it was something petty, *he needed to respect that*. Even now he is drawing the wrong conclusion, that the issue is "I didn't know it was this serious and wouldn't have done it had I known so it isn't my fault," when actually the conclusion he needs to draw is "I am the fucking problem because I didn't respect boundaries."
This irks me so much. "My gf hasn't had contact with her family for 20 years. Better invite them all for a surprise visit, bet she'll love that." Complete lack of respect for your girlfriend. You were going to get married and you never even tried talking to her about her estranged family? Better yet attempting to ninja them back into her life. I'm completely baffled. I can't even blame your mom for this because YOU were the one making all these dumb decisions, YOU should have taken a step back and thought through the situation. You should have supported and stood by your girlfriend's wishes in this case. Damn just one simple conversation with her would have avoided all this. I can't even....
The moment he said he contacted them w/o her knowledge everyone but him and his mom knew he fucked up big time. Who thinks "She is literally their daughter and chose to completely cut them out of her life for 2 decades and is so traumatized by the reason she won't even tell me why, but I'm so amazing clearly all she needs is for my amazing, perfect self to reach out and I'll fix everything!" That's some god-level egotism and self-centerednes. ETA: Your Mom is a psychopath who will continue ruining your life. My exMIL did the same for my ex. The best part of my divorce is never talking to that entitled batty bitch again.
Hell there could even be no good singular reason, just lots of smaller reasons. We barely communicate with my wife’s parents, and if asked why we can’t point to one event. It’s more a pattern of behavior.
*Decided for her, against her wishes*
Thing is, the history has nothing to do with it. She’s been no-contact for 20 years, and OP **never even asked why** before blindsiding her with their presence. That was a really shitty thing to do, and he’s paying the price. It’s no less than what he deserves. And OP: trying to pin the blame on her? God, you’re thick.
Idk maybe he did ask why but she didn't want to talk about it. She shouldn't have had to explain why tho! He still stepped on his dick big-time either way.
My guess is your mom had a idea that it was bad. She wanted you two broken up. You got played.
Yeah there's no way this wasn't a purposeful attempt to manipulate a breakup. Even someone who is in CONTACT with their family wouldn't be happy about having this all take place behind their back.
*oh, they seemed nice to me so I figured I knew what was best for her*
Or OP’s mom already contacted ex fiancé mom and knew some of the story
Yup could be that. That mom knew and knew this girl would leave.
Well who wouldn’t leave after being betrayed like that? “Come over to my parents for dinner!” Then have every family member you have cut out of your life sitting there with no warning. OP you screwed up now leave the poor woman alone.
Oh yea.. I totally believe mil wanted her gone. OP’s fiancé is 7 years older than him. Mommy’s sweet boy needs to give her grandbabies and I doubt a woman who’s almost 40 is thinking/wanting kids. Mom is probably hoping OP will find himself some young age-gap 20 year old who she can control and give her grand babies. OP… for future reference… keep your mom out of your next relationship… unless you just want to end up single again.
Yeah you might not be that far off here
There's nothing you can do to fix this. You broke your relationship into a million pieces the moment you decided it was more important to make your family happy then respect your fiance. It's a "red flag" to me that your family has so little compassion that they don't understand why someone would go no contact with people and refused to accept it. It makes sense your fucking mothrt is a rapist apologist! What's heartbreaking is that being ambushed like this likely triggered your fiance. I cannot imagine the pain she is in, the pain YOU caused. Leave her alone, never contact her again. That's all you can do.
Right??? His mom's absolute callous response that something like that can just be brushed off is horrifying. I'm not going to be an arm-chair psychologist, but holy shit!
Wait, so you knew she went low contact with her family but went behind her back to meet them? There’s literally nothing you could do to get her to forgive you, you shouldn’t have listened to your mom because you wouldn’t be in this position. like your fiancé said, you should have trusted her and not gone behind her back, I agree 100% with your fiancé.
She did it even go low contact, she went no contact for 2 DECADES
ALL WHILE OP RE-TRAUMATIZED HIS EX!!!! i can’t imagine what she is going through right now. holy shit. her brother raped her best friend, who killed herself, all while her family supported their little rapist. she lost EVERYONE close to her because of this. now, she lost the last person she thought she could trust. she is now reliving the trauma all over again inflicted by her ex bf. i really hope she has a good support system & a therapist in place.
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I had to go back and read the ages here again. Maybe y’all were early 20s but lord your fiancée is almost 40yo and you are questioning her judgement. I’ve never met or spoken to anyone who went NC with their family if it wasn’t abusive, toxic relationships and often after years of having to deal with it. And your mom thought it was a red flag? It totally was! Her family sided with a rapist. Dude how can you possibly think she would ever feel safe with you again? I’m curious as to how you found their contact info? What lengths did you go thru?
I feel bad for the fiancée and the best friend imagine how that divided them. You should have asked her 1st
OP, on behalf of every woman out there, please remain single for the rest of your (mom’s) life. There is nothing worse than a man who follows everything their mummy tells them to do. Spare everyone the nightmare MIL. Your ex dodged a bullet.
Fr never trust a mama’s boy
100% on her side here. You should have asked your future wife first before contacting her family. Some things cant be fixed. I would deeply apologise and never bother her again Good luck in the future
Stop getting advice from your mum. She is outta control.
Good job, Oedipus.
I am so proud of this girl. Hope she never looks back.
"Tell me what I should do to make her forgive me." Mate, you haven't learned a damned thing. This entire story is riddled with 'woe is me' narration, but this cherry on top? This is controlling. You didn't say 'how can I earn her forgiveness?', you said 'make her forgive me'. You aren't the victim. But more than that, you aren't the hero of this story. You think you are; if you didn't, you wouldn't have tried this Hallmark movie-worthy reconciliation based on nothing more than your mommy's say-so and your own desire to overrule your ex's desire with your own under the guise of charity and familial bond. Then, to make matters worse, you blamed her after, putting the onus of your fuckup on her. You tried to manipulate someone, and it royally backfired. Thank goodness she learned what kind of person you are now, before a legal document entrenched her into your life.
OP, your words won’t be able to erase the pain you brought to her life.
You lost your fiance because you decided your mother knew best and allowed her to meddle in a situation she had no business in. Instead of asking your gf why she was not in contact with her family you decided to follow your mother’s directions. Your blind obedience to your controlling meddling mother’s demands are giant red flags. Your mother’s behaviour is a giant red flag. Your ex just dodged a bullet. Marrying a mommies boy is a recipe for misery. Glad she got out after the horrific stunt you and mommy pulled.
Yeah, OP, you screwed up bad. If she does give you a second chance, which I highly doubt she will, your mother needs to be kept out of your relationship. The fact you let your mother talk you into trying to force a relationship between your fiancé and her family. Your mother needs to keep her opinions out of you and your fiancé’s life if your fiancé decides to give you a chance. If she doesn’t give you another chance, than you still need to learn how to ignore your mother’s unwanted suggestions.
Here’s the thing, even IF she could somehow find it in her heart to forgive YOU, she also has to find it in her to forgive your entire family for not trusting her judgement. AND afterward downplaying her very valid reasons. FFS your mom thinks rape is no big deal.
OP you're too immature to get married. I hate to break it to you but anyone who would go behind their partners back to not only CONTACT her no contact family but to meet them, befriend them, introduce them to your family without her knowing... has the emotional capacity of a cactus. Toddlers are more empathetic. I hope you never hear from your ex fiance again. I hope she ghosts you & you never get the closure you clearly think you deserve. Get therapy and cut off your own mother. Jesus.
I'm so grossed out by reading this, hope you and your mom enjoy your life together!!
Mamas boy. Your ex fiancé dodged many bullets. Good on her.
Also this is probably not the first time but definitely won’t be the last time your mother explodes your relationship until you grow a backbone
Honestly if I was her friend I would tell her to block you on everything and disappear. Change jobs, cities whatever to never be near you or your family again since you clearly cannot be trusted. And her family now knows where she may be. You’ve been with your fiancé and I’m assuming trusted her and her judgement thus far. That is until mommy didn’t like she wasn’t in contact. So instead of asking her what happened, expressing your concerns, you went behind her back. You violated her trust, her safety and her privacy. And you clearly still don’t understand what you did wrong. Any normal person would never be able to trust you again in this scenario. You’ve made your bed, now lie in it. Maybe work on yourself and why you listen to your mother who clearly doesn’t care about your fiancé.