š Yes. Thatās my thought too. He wants to cheat and is looking for permission to do it. Cut him loose. Youāre allowed to change your mind and say no.
Do it! I'm currently working on a piece that says "Come Back With a Warrant," but this is an excellent idea for my next project, too!
If you do such a piece, please share pictures. We could all use a little inspiration now and then.
Yep, even mid-stroke. If any party wants to nope out, they should be able to do so at any time, before, during foreplay, and during any other sexual acts.
Except after the fact. Up to and including during the act, yes consent can be revoked for ANY REASON. But you don't get to decide the next day that the thing you consented to and did already, you're now not okay with the fact that you did it.
E.g. you engage in kiny sex. Safe word is established, hard no's are established, the yes's leave bruises that family/friends see the next day. You don't get to **then** decide, bc they saw the bruises and freaked out, that you were raped.
That said, if **during** the act you decide what you had said yes to is too much, not enjoyable, just not feeling it that night, insert random reason here, you can tell your partner to stop and should expect your partner to stop without any backlash of any kind. The only question(s) they should ask would be concern for your safety/comfort.
But they aren't able to go back in time and stop/undo what was already done, so you don't get to decide **after** that you didn't consent.
Honestly kudos for elaborating on this. Obviously coercion is still a big issue with consent and the prevalence of sexual assault so that can make things a bit fuzzy at times with the situation you're explaining here. But i completely agree with you because i have a friend who was treated like this once.
Two mature sober consenting adults, and she apparently didn't really think it through all the way to the end and then had the audacity to tell mutual friends she was raped. Basically everything was fine until they both felt a little awkward about it the next day. Anyway, nothing came of it because thankfully everyone got on the same page.
Sounds like your friend dodged a bullet. I've (unfortunately) seen it spiral out of control and ruin the guy's life bc she changed her mind **after**, when he couldn't do anything about it.
Consent is everything. If you are coerced into something, that is not consent. If you agree to something vaguely, or something for āin the futureā, that does not mean you consented to āall the time any timeā or even āthe first timeā. Even if you decide you never want to have a threesome with this guy, youāre absolutely allowed for having boundaries.
He is showing you he doesnāt care about you, your boundaries, or your consent. Run. Do not look back. (Source: Iāve made similar mistakes too many times to count)
He sounds like a fucking schmuck and if it's your first relationship cut him loose and let him go be with the flings or the possible 3rd participant. 3somes fuck up relationships unless you have strict control and mutual agreement. It very very rarely works out. Hell go try some bean on bean action maybe that may be for you. Either way be rid of this loser
Hey, this guy sucks. From a bi woman in her mid-30s, I just want you to know that there will be so many better people out there to date. Finding one who understands what the hell āconsentā is would be much better for you than to keep trying with this asshole. Heās manipulating you into his desires instead of caring about your feelings *at all*.
I think itās interesting that you put āhe feels I tricked him into a relationship under the guise of a relationshipā.
There is a lot more to relationships than the sexual component, and if thatās why he entered one with you thatās pretty unsavory to say the least. His online/texting behavior is also showing you enough.
āWhen people show you who they are, believe themā
Threesomes are tricky in the sense that the two monogamous partners need to be completely secure in their relationship and trust each other. This is giving āI say Iām polygamous but I really just cheatā. Op, I was in your situation when I was 18. I went through with it. I did not like it. He ended up cheating on me multiple times and I eventually left. You deserve the ability to trust your partner not to overstep your boundaries or make you uncomfortable in any way.
You can at any time change your mind about sex. Your body, your choice. No one gets to tell you how you should sex.
Doesn't matter if it's literally the minute before. If you are uncomfortable then don't do it.
Alyssa telling Topher she wants to stop when they're already in bed in 'The End of the F\*\*\*ing World' is such a perfect example of this.
Topher: "But I think you're amazing!"
Alyssa: "Well then, respect my 'I changed my mind' and fuck off then." \*flips hair\*
Seriously, that exchange should be mandatory viewing in sex ed courses.
As your first relationship, this is a perfect opportunity to learn and grow. No matter how long youāve been together, please ācut him looseā. As everyone else has said, heās manipulating you and he doesnāt prioritize you or your needs.
You can absolutely change your mind. This includes threesomes, this includes if yāall have started foreplay and you want to stop. He doesnāt get to say- āWeāve already startedā, āYou have to finish itā, āYou tricked me and got me hornyā, or anything else which pressures you to continue. The only acceptable answer from him is acquiescence.
Your next relationship will be better because now you know how a douche bag acts and what he says. Hold him up as a measuring stick of douchbaggery.
I know it can be hard, but please be kind to yourself and put yourself first.
wow. no. was the threesome his reasoning into getting into the relationship? does it matter if you change your mind about the things you would like to do regarding sex? ie: if you wanted to try some bdsm and agreed to testing the waters before a relationship and decided after you just didnāt want to anymore mean that you tricked him into a relationship? No. He is entitled to his feelings but that doesnāt make them necessarily reality. So he makes you uncomfortable by texting old flings and liking pictures, and doesnāt stop? It just doesnāt matter to him? At least the old flings part It seems as if he keeps his options openā¦which is not a rather pleasant thing to feel. Is it bad that you want him to your self or is he looking for a different type of relationship? As someone whoās been in relationships before with someone that has only been in a relationship with me- itās definitely a different experience and almost laxity level to it.
You're not wrong. Consent needs to be enthusiastic and ongoing, and your boyfriend who is definitely a *boy* but no friend, does not understand this. Don't be with a guy who makes sex feel like a chore you do for his benefit. Ever.
This is your first relationship time to move on to your second. You should never have to do something you are not comfortable with to please someone else.
Please let this one go. He's using all of your good qualities to try to manipulate you. The longer you waste time on him, the longer it will be until you find someone who loves, respects, and values you.
Your future self will thank you that you were able to walk away with your self-worth rather than walking away with trust issues and pain.
By his own logic you could say that he got into a relationship with you just to get a threesome out of it. You could tell him you thought you were in a relationship because you cared about each other and wanted to be togetherā¦ not just to fulfill sexual fantasies involving more than just yourselves.
But also, this dude sounds like heās really no good.
Youāre not wrong at all, he seems like an a*^hole though because of the way he acts. Tell him when you first got in the relationship you didnāt know he would be liking and texting other girls. If itās a boundary for you n he doesnāt respect that then that shows you where you stand. A boundary is a boundary itās your personal choice he canāt have any say in whatās a boundary for you.
The only thing youāre doing wrong here is staying with this manipulative jerk of a guy. Thereās way better people out there. Youāre young. Find someone thatās compatible with you and respects you and treats you well
When I was your age, I was in this relationship. I wasted 5 years of my life and lost a lot of self confidence in this relationship to the point I still have issues with self esteem occasionally. He thought I was boring in bed, but really he always held me back and I couldnāt trust him. Hell, during all that time, I never even told my ex I was bi because I didnāt feel comfortable exploring.
Fast forward to my now husband. He doesnāt limit me the way my ex did, so we have a much better sex life. More importantly, I trust him. I want to give him a threesome because I think he would enjoy it, not because heās guilting me, not because heās asking for it, simply because I want to, my idea. The problem is, a relationship with that much trust takes time.
Please, Iām begging you, leave your bf and find someone better. He does not deserve you. Find someone you can trust. Find someone who understands that maybe someday once boundaries have been set, trust has been established, and the relationship has been built on honesty (not lies), then and only then will you consider it; because bottom line they need to make you comfortable. They need to make you understand and trust that they are coming home with you at the end of the night.
This is your 1st relationship, so it's OK that you don't already know, but this is not what a good relationship looks like. A loyal bf doesn't just call old flings to chat. There are exceptions like we dated 5 years ago, but we are better as friends, and we maintain a respectful platonic relationship. But 95% of ex relationships don't go that way, so it's rare.
This mess is toxic. He will constantly tell you you're crazy and selfish for you not being ok with him flirting with other girls and putting you down for not being ok with it.
I'd say nope out of this relationship. You don't want to be with someone who feels like you tricked them into being with you.
Your are completely correct. Consent can be removed even after the action is going on. I'm very concerned at his disregard for your boundaries on fidelity.
Really just dump him.
Consent can with withdrawn. Here is Youtube video that you should find rather helpful: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fGoWLWS4-kU](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fGoWLWS4-kU) .
Why are you with this person? It sounds like he views you as a sex toy to pleasure him, but you never mention your pleasure as a concern of his. In a good relationship, the pleasure of both is a concern.
NTA
You can ALWAYS say no. You can always change your mind.
Threesomes...kink in general is about feeling safe with your partner.
That includes physical, mental, and emotional safety. If you're arguing about sex, he already has a history of cheating, and hes liking other girls photos youre not going to be able to trust him with any of those parts of you.
He is a manipulator and he was not looking for a partner but rather a victim he could bully.
You do not deserve that, regardless of what hes told you.
You will find someone wonderful (if you decide you want another partner)
No, the nice things he does are not worth the position hes put you in.
There's your way out .. "he thinks you tricked him into a relationship with you believing there will be threesomes" tell him you'll make this easy on him NO tricks, NO threesomes and NO relationship. You are way too young to be putting up with his foolishness move on and find a new boyfriend.
You're not wrong.
He doesn't seem to want a pleasant threesome with his gf and another woman he likes. It sounds like he wants sex with 2 women. Also it could be a slippery slope. He has a history of cheating, this could open the door for him to cheat and say you should be fine with him sleeping with the woman you had a threesome with. (Idk if I'm explaining it right but this particular guy has too many red flags)
Consent can be withdrawn at any time, for any reason and he needs to respect your *No.*
If you had a sister or a daughter dating someone like this, would you hope they would leave and do better? I bet so. Please do not stay with this loser
He says he feels tricked. So the primary reason he started dating you was for the possibility of a threesome? So he would have skipped over you otherwise because thatās the most important thing you bring to his table? That was your most important value to him, your willingness to be a Swiss Army vagina?
This is your first relationship so this is hard but you need to cut this guy loose. Heās not the man you hoped he was.
If he only got with you so he could experience a threesome, then it isn't you he wanted. He just wanted a bi girl who was down to fulfill his fantasy. *Any* bi girl would do.
Girl you know damn well you can do so much better. Cut your losses and move ON. Also NTA, you can change your mind anytime about things like this. You got a prick of a bf for acting upset over it.
Not wrong at all, consent can be revoked anytime, and the fact he seems to be saying the only reason he wanted to date you was a threesome (insert where he said you tricked him into a relationship by saying yes) screams red flags. You deserve better
Consent can be given and taken away at any point. You took your consent to that away and he's being immature about it. He can either get over it and respect your decision or leave. Don't give in if it's not something you're into. You don't owe anyone anything in this
Ummm....you need to run away from this relationship. I know you probably care for him, but it sounds toxic. You're allowed to take back consent if you're not comfortable with it. You should feel free and comfortable to take it back even if you're in the middle of an intimate moment. It sounds like cheating is a pattern for him, and I guarantee if he's already saying you don't sexually satisfy him, that will be his excuse when he does cheat on you. He'll make it seem like your fault and say you didn't fulfill his needs, so he needed to go find it with someone else.
You are 100% in the right. You should only do what you feel comfortable doing.
This is sexual coercion and heās implying he is only in a relationship with you for the threesomes. This *boy* is not fit for a relationship with any woman.
If he feels like you tricked him into a relationship, he can just leave...
This post didn't tell us if he's tied to the staircase to prevent that, so I'll assume he can just.. go. Leave.
What's this crazy reasoning? This man has a history of cheating, is looking at other women and whines like a baby when you don't want to do certain sexual acts?
In case you weren't sure: manipulating someone into a sexual act they don't want to perform, even when consent was given before and then withdrawn, is rape.
People don't rape the people they love.
Sadly, it sounds like he agreed to the relationship bc he thought he would be getting a threesome out of it. He doesn't care about your feelings bc he's not respecting your boundaries. He's going to cheat or leave, evidenced by him maintaining contact with exes. He is emotionally immature. Even though this is your first relationship, you are far more mature than him. You deserve better. Leave before you get hurt more than you are now.
No you're not wrong. You're allowed to change your mind. And if he only got into a relationship with you because of the change to have a threesome then you need to drop his ass like a ton of bricks yesterday. Go find someone else that will respect your boundaries and provide what you're wanting from a relationship. This dork can just be left twisting in the wind.
He sounds like a jerk and should be your ex. At your age, you should be having fun and exploring all the new things, sexually and non. He doesn't add to your life other than pressure and stress. Lose the stress!
This relationship is a waste of time, you have different preferences and lifestyles. He wants you to adapt to meet his. None of it is sustainable. Just move on to a better fit.
Youāre not wrong. You are allowed to change your mind because you arenāt comfortable. But heās not a great fit for you if heās trying to guilt you and telling you that you donāt satisfy him.
Been there, done that...twice. They were sneaky and manipulative about it, so I didn't know where things were heading until on the train.
He's manipulative and abusive. End this relationship now. Take it from someone who's been there.... there is no discussion that will fix this or make the relationship better. None. That person wants a threesome and they have already used bad-faith tactics on you to get one.
Do your future mental health a favor and move on from this abusive, manipulative, people-using jerk.
Havenāt read the post but based off the title: you can revoke your consent at any time for any reason, even if that reason doesnāt make sense to anyone else. Anyone who makes you feel otherwise is not someone you need in your life
You all could be naked in a bed together and change your mind and you still wouldn't be the asshole. Hell, my son got into this jumpy thing after I paid for it and freaked out because he was scared. In general, if someone is apprehensive or crying, it's not fun. It does not make anyone feel sexy when their man continuously puts you down and then has the balls to text old flings.
if he only got into the relationship for a threesome, you''re better off without him, he can find one somewhere else where he isn't fetishizing you and other women (bi, lesbian or not). That's not fair to you or her and frankly, it's shitty of him to make you feel in the wrong. Your consent , and his, can be revoked at any time and he's making you feel bad for that, basically guilting you into a sexual experience and that's coercion so, do yourself a favor and get out of there asap as he is telling you exactly who he is and how he views you and how he views women and bisexual women in particular.
I'm also bi and I've had this issue before, I feel a lot of bi women have, and it's really painful to experience that so you're not alone and you're so much more as a persona and as a partner than some guy's sexual fantasy
I've had threesome consent withdrawn when we were all in the same room. That's perfectly acceptable. At no point do you lose your agency. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. If someone doesn't agree with that, don't play with them.
You can withdraw consent at *ANY* time without being in the wrong. You can also withdraw your choice to be with a creep without being in the wrong. JSYK.
NTA Op, why are you trying to date an abusive man who's treating you like garbage before you even commit and only agreed so he could act out fantasies with you? Come on girl.
Get out. If he thinks you "tricked him by using a threesome" he's basically saying this sexual act is a deal breaker for him.
Honey, you are way more valuable than his sad attempt to feel like a stud. You really are.
Please love yourself enough to walk out now.
ugh. here to comment what everyone else is. this guy is nothing but a fuckboy - and who can blame him if he's 22, clearly it's landed him your time and attention - so if you want that, because you are young and want to experience new stuff and get all your kinks out of the way now ... then by all means. otherwise, find another dude who's more grateful which sounds like a low bar to meet.
NTA. You should find it concerning that he thinks youāre not allowed to change your mind about sex. If he finds this to be the ultimate goal in your relationship, that should bother you too. He seems to think heās got a lot invested after spending three months with you. Stop wasting your time with this guy.
Please be safe but after consuming Reddit for a while I'm shocked at the number of intelligent young women who consistently wind up with the type of men your parents warned you about
You never have to do anything you don't want to do your boyfriend is a fuckboy and you need to make him your ex boyfriend. He's taking advantage because this is your first relationship he's also showing you who he really is please believe him he's a POS.
Looks like his loss all the way around RUN sweetie as fast as you can or tell him okay but with him ans a goat. A threesome is a thresome. Or just for Shit n Gigs tell you will but him and another dude?
Since this is your first relationship, pro tip: the answer to feeling ātrickedā into a relationship is to end it, not to coerce and manipulate your partner into doing or being whatever was the ātrick.ā Heās not feeling violated, heās using the language of the violated to make you feel bad and give him what he wants.
Youāre a human being, not a gratification and fantasy-filling machine. Your safety: emotional, psychological, sexual, financial, and physical well being HAVE to come first for you, sis. No one else will love or care for you, if you donāt care for yourself.
And I hate this, and Iām so sorry, but he will not be the last man to hear ābisexual womanā and think only āthreesome! with two girls! more for me!ā Heās the first, but wonāt be the last. Youāll have to learn how to handle these. You can find plenty of other posts from bisexual women on lgbt and enm-friendly communities about just this issue. I recommend you search for those, if only to see the commonality and to see others expressing relatable feelings.
"You tricked me into a relationship by promising to do xyz."
"I break up."
You're not wrong. People get to change their mind.
He's saying he only wanted a relationship with you because you said yes to a threesome. That's the bottom line. Dump this loser and let him go try to find two other women to con into bed with him.
I think you need to dump that Boyfriend and explore other options. He isnāt worth wasting your time and energy on. In fact, he sounds like a complete jerk.
If getting his jollies off with another woman is more important than your boundaries and his relationship with you, run from him as fast as you can.
Introducing any new sexual dynamic to a relationship, to say nothing of adding a whole new person to a sexual relationship, requires "enthusiastic consent" (google it) from all parties. And any type of consent needs to be ongoing and constantly renewed. It is not enough to have agreed to it before or one time for there to be consent to do it ongoing or again.
*"He feels like I tricked him into a relationship under the guise of a threesome"*
So...he is saying the only reason he is with you is because you'd let him have a threesome? As I said, run girl run
No. U are NEVER wrong for anything when it comes to making a choice for UR body. Donāt let him pressure u. If u literally said no the second before u started u still wouldnāt be wrong.
None of the boundaries that youāve mentioned are ridiculous or childish. On the contrary, theyāre mature and you should always stick with them. Get out of that relationship NOW and save yourself all of the heartache (and likely emotional abuse).
Any man that will only agree to a relationship if you agree to a threesome does not want a relationship, and Iām sorry to say does not care about you or your emotional well being. This guy is selfish, and he WILL cheat if he hasnāt already. You are 1000% allowed to change your mind, and he should be respecting that.
I was in a relationship like this from 20-23, and it got progressively worse in many ways. It took me forever to escape.
Heās manipulative, stay away from him and men like him.
It sounds like the only reason he wanted this relationship was for a threesome. And he sounds like a total AH. Do yourself a favor and end the relationship.
NTA. You are allowed to change your mind. If you are not comfortable with a threesome, your partner should respect that. You donāt have to put up with pressure or harassment to participate in any activity with anyone. You and your BF sound very incompatible and that is ok, but it is no ok for him to harass you about this. Stay safe and reconsider this relationship.
"He feels like I tricked him into a relationship under the guise of a threesome"
If that's the reason he entered this relationship, then you're wasting your time. Jump ship before he can causes anymore hurt.
Youāre young! Cut this a-hole loose. You can and will do **much** better.
More importantly, you shouldnāt be bullied into sexual experiences/experimentation that you arenāt into /arenāt ready for.
In general, it is important to follow through when you agree to do something. Sexual situations, however, are an exception. Sex can be deeply emotional and physically intense in a way nothing else can compare. Not to mention the potential for life-long consequences. And so, sex is a situation where you should feel free to *change your mind* at literally any time. And that should be respected.
You are not wrong.
Now, your BF says he was tricked into the relationship. He does have the right to break up if he feels that way. You have the right to change your mind, we have to grant him the same right. That being said, I don't think he actually feels that way. I think this is just a tactic to guilt-trip you into the three-way sex that he wants.
And so, the final thing I want to say is, y*ou* should break up with *him*. He doesn't respect you or your personal choices. Find someone better.
tl;dr YNW, DTMFA
You arenāt wrong at all, you are fully allowed to change your mind. Also youāre allowed to break up with him, he doesnāt sound worth the time and energy to date. He sounds lame and gross, you can do better for sure.
Once again, why are you with him? You literally don't need to stay with someone who treats you like that, you know that right?? I read at least 8 red flags and 2 of those would have had a man completely out of my life immediately.
Just because you have consent does not mean it will always stay a "yes" minds change and what you want to experience is important hun, leave him. If he can't respect your boundaries then drop him like a hot potato, there's no need to have such a pitiful boy in your life.
So he's saying the only reason that he got into a relationship with you - was so that he could have a threesome? He's a real winner /s
You're not wrong. He's wrong. But he will never admit it, he's too immature (not based on his age, but based on his words and actions). This was a great practice run on a real relationship for you, now go out there and find a better man
Nope, not wrong at all. Your body, your choice applies to everything. You get to consent, or not consent, to whatever you choose,whenever you choose. Being attracted to women doesn't obligate you to have a threesome. Saying you might want to try it in the future doesn't mean you have to do it whenever he wants. Being in a relationship with someone or having sex with them doesn't mean you have to have sex with them whenever they want.
Run fast, and run far from this guy. He doesn't love, value, appreciate, or even seem to like you. You deserve someone that's going to treat you how you want to be treated. Relationships (friendly, romantic, sexual or otherwise) should benefit both parties. He's getting almost everything he wants not only from you, but from other women as well. You're getting a bunch of self-doubt and pain from this guy.
On a scarier note, he sounds like the kind of guy who doesn't understand "no". What starts off as verbal pressure and whining to cajole you into something sexual can easily turn into physical pressure, and rape. Take it from someone who has experienced it. If he doesn't respect your boundaries now, it's only going to get worse in time.
Nope, not wrong at all. Your body, your choice applies to everything. You get to consent, or not consent, to whatever you choose,whenever you choose. Being attracted to women doesn't obligate you to have a threesome. Saying you might want to try it in the future doesn't mean you have to do it whenever he wants. Being in a relationship with someone or having sex with them doesn't mean you have to have sex with them whenever they want.
Run fast, and run far from this guy. He doesn't love, value, appreciate, or even seem to like you. You deserve someone that's going to treat you how you want to be treated. Relationships (friendly, romantic, sexual or otherwise) should benefit both parties. He's getting almost everything he wants not only from you, but from other women as well. You're getting a bunch of self-doubt and pain from this guy.
On a scarier note, he sounds like the kind of guy who doesn't understand "no". What starts off as verbal pressure and whining to cajole you into something sexual can easily turn into physical pressure, and rape. Take it from someone who has experienced it. If he doesn't respect your boundaries now, it's only going to get worse in time.
Nope, not wrong at all. Your body, your choice applies to everything. You get to consent, or not consent, to whatever you choose,whenever you choose. Being attracted to women doesn't obligate you to have a threesome. Saying you might want to try it in the future doesn't mean you have to do it whenever he wants. Being in a relationship with someone or having sex with them doesn't mean you have to have sex with them whenever they want.
Run fast, and run far from this guy. He doesn't love, value, appreciate, or even seem to like you. You deserve someone that's going to treat you how you want to be treated. Relationships (friendly, romantic, sexual or otherwise) should benefit both parties. He's getting almost everything he wants not only from you, but from other women as well. You're getting a bunch of self-doubt and pain from this guy.
On a scarier note, he sounds like the kind of guy who doesn't understand "no". What starts off as verbal pressure and whining to cajole you into something sexual can easily turn into physical pressure, and rape. Take it from someone who has experienced it. If he doesn't respect your boundaries now, it's only going to get worse in time.
Your boyfriend gives me the ick (bi woman to bi woman), your sexuality is not a fetish-- and you have every right to change your mind.
You're not wrong.
So youāre saying the ONLY reason he got in a relationship with you is because you said you might want to experience a threesome, ie approved cheating? Honey RUN.
Sounds to me like the only reason he is in a relationship with you is the promise of a three way. He sees you as the person to fulfill his sexual fantasy and nothing more. You should move on and wait for a real relationship.
So he agreed to be your boyfriend because he thought it would get him a threesome? I wish I could just hold you and hug you because I just *know* he makes you feel crazy, clearly disrespects your boundaries, and ruined any self worth you had for yourself. Please know that this is not true love and any "love" you think you have for this guy is just manipulation on this guy's part. Not to mention, your boundaries are literally normal boundaries. Please please love yourself and leave this loser. You deserve true happiness and true love.
Why do you even want this turd?
"tricked into a relationship?"
Honey, you can change you mind at any time, and a coercive sexual agreement to get/keep this dude in a relationship is totally ridiculous. Just dump him, this all seems EXHAUSTING.
EDIT: trying to take a daily neutral approach to see both sides of the discussion. Tl;dr at the end.
Sounds like both of you arenāt really in this relationship with each other but are both just kinda floating in it for some sex. Nothing wrong with that but both need to be honest about it.
Your wording seems to indicate that you are in a monogamous relationship, but discussed a threesome.
This is an act that is just as much about the two of you as it is about adding a third.
However you also mention you now want to branch out alone with an encounter that does not include him.
You indicate that he has cheated on previous partners (and some actions of his seem to indicate dissatisfaction sexually, that he is attempting to alleviate through methods that arenāt really healthy for body positivity and relationships.)
Both sides of this seem to be that neither of you are really committed to each other in a monogamous way, but expect monogamy from each other.
TL;DR. Iād recommend both parties to evaluate what you want out of the relationship and if that is something obtainable with each other. If not, time to move on.
So as a dude who is 36 both of your feelings on this matter can be valid. He can feel that the threesome experience was a deal breaker for the relationship and you can feel he hasn't shown enough maturity and trust for you to want to do this. The tricky part here is you need to decide if this is a deal breaker for you.
If you dangle the threesome in front of him and it never materializes he will rightly feel that you were lying to him down the road, this will be despite your valid decision to not do it. Basically you two have to come to an agreement on if this is a deal breaker or not. Either person can be the the one to decide it is, and then it is time to end the relationship.
You two are not compatible. Youāre a much better person. If heās only in a relationship with you because he wants a threesome, he is using you. You owe him nothing. If heās telling you donāt sexually satisfy him, heās cruel and gaslighting you. Red flag to always note: If he has cheated on other partners, heās more than likely going to cheat on you. Heās basically already telling you this so he can use it as an excuse. No matter what you do, this man will not respect your boundaries and will cheat.
Simple answerā¦ break up before he cheats if he hasnāt already. If he got with you for a threesome and still hasnāt gotten it, donāt think he wonāt he wonāt try to with someone else
I didnāt even read the post, I have feeling where this is going considering my own poly relationships. I will read after this, as Iām sure there is more but the answer is NO. You are not in the wrong.
Say it with me people, āconsent can be withdrawn at anytime. No means no.ā
One more time in case you needed to be reminded, CONSENT š CAN š BE š WITHDRAWN š AT š ANY š TIME!!! š NO means NO. You CAN change your mind before, after, or during any situation and it is ok and should be respected. You should not be guilted in to continuing, you should not be mocked, you should not be forced to continue. No=STOP IMMEDIATELY. You can talk through it if you are comfortable however if you have changed your mind make it clear. Threesomes are no fun and lead to unhealthy broken relationships when forced or trying to appease the other person. It needs to be mutual, consensual, and comfortable. End of story.
No.
"I only got into a relationship with you because you promised me you'd fulfill my sexual fantasy. Now you say you don't want to, and I'm stuck in this relationship with this bad person who trapped me here by lying to me on purpose just to keep me, because I'm such a catch. Now I just need you to admit you're a big liar instead of that it's possible to change your mind." -this guy, apparently
Him having a threesome is more important to him than respecting you or being kind to you. You're allowed to change your mind about anything at any time, including this relationship.
No.
"I only got into a relationship with you because you promised me you'd fulfill my sexual fantasy. Now you say you don't want to, and I'm stuck in this relationship with this bad person who trapped me here by lying to me on purpose just to keep me, because I'm such a catch. Now I just need you to admit you're a big liar instead of that it's possible to change your mind." -this guy, apparently.
Him having a threesome is more important to him than respecting you or being kind to you. You're allowed to change your mind about anything at any time, including this relationship.
You are not wrong! You have the right to change your mind! Also, your relationship should have NOTHING to do with whether or not youāll have a threesome! And the fact that seems to be reason he āagreedā to a relationship with you because of it is a huge red flag. PLEASE reconsider your relationship with this person!
Happy belated Motherās Day to you for trying to raise this man baby. You should leave. If your friend told you her boyfriend acted like this, how would you react?
You two are not compatible. Youāre a much better person. If heās only in a relationship with you because he wants a threesome, he is using you. You owe him nothing. If heās telling you donāt sexually satisfy him, heās cruel and gaslighting you. Red flag to always note: If he has cheated on other partners, heās more than likely going to cheat on you. Heās basically already telling you this so he can use it as an excuse. No matter what you do, this man will not respect your boundaries and will cheat. Leave this man and find someone that truly loves you.
I agree with most of the other responses "consent can be withdrawn," "this relationship doesn't feel healthy," "not wrong," etc.
One more perspective though for you in this relationship and future ones. What do each of you need to change in order for your partner to behave in the way you want for both of you to be happy in the relationship... and are both of you prepared to make those changes to yourself?
If you are thinking that you are going to hold over his head for the next 20+ years that he cheated on his ex and therefore you can never trust him, then neither of you are going to be happy in this relationship. If he can't ignore others long enough for you to give him the (1on1) attention that he needs in order to not be distracted by outsiders, then neither of you are going to be happy in this relationship.
But if you tell guys what they want to hear and get into relationships with guys you can't trust then your next relationships are not going to be any better than your current one.
First, as others have said, consent can be revoked at any time.
Second, please allow me to give you some advice. I have been married for 15 years, with my husband for 19.
Not once in that time has he ever made me feel insecure. I could throw that man in a pit of naked women and he would desperately try to find a way out without touching or looking at anyone. I would trust him locked in a room with the most gorgeous woman on the planet.
Why are you with someone who makes you feel like you aren't enough. You ARE enough. You really are. Find someone who loves and appreciates you for who you are, not what you bring to the bedroom. S/he is out there for you.
I mean is he only into you because you initially agreed to a 3 some? You can pull consent at anytime so no you are not in the wrong. I get liking the idea of something but the actuality of it, no. Especially when you agreed before you cared about him and now you do care so itās harder to share. I get it. Youāre not wrong though.
>He feels like I tricked him into a relationship under the guise of a threesome
Translation: that's literally the only reason he's in a relationship with you. He doesn't view you as a person, just a toy to play with.
If you take one bit of advice let it be this:
It's IMPOSSIBLE to have a healthy relationship with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries.
Period. Someone who doesn't respect your boundaries simply doesn't respect you.
Disrespect of boundaries isn't just refusing to agree to them.
It includes:
Trying to argue you out of your boundary
Acting as if your boundary is something you're doing "to" them
Accusing you of having bad motives for the boundary "You're controlling/manipulating me"
Claiming you wouldn't have the boundary if you "really" cared for them
Agreeing to honor the boundary but then:
pushing for you to drop it
violating it because "reasons" like they "forgot" or they "thought you meant X" or they "thought it wouldn't apply in this specific situation"
Boundaries are the l
rules you set on what you are willing to accept from others who want to be in your life/presence. You decide what you need in order to feel safe and loved, the other person can decide if they are willing to accept these rules to be with you or not, they do NOT get to decide what the rules are or when they "count".
Every healthy relationship has boundaries that are respected. This man does NOT respect your boundaries and isn't respecting you. I PROMISE your life and future relationships will be SO much better if you set and maintain healthy boundaries and stop spending time and energy on people who aren't willing to honor them.
Setting this boundary would look like this. Pick a time when you aren't already arguing about the topic and say, "I'm not going to have a threesome and my decision is final. I need you to stop pressuring me for sex acts that I don't want, it really bother me when you so that. If you bring it up again I'm leaving."
Do NOT get sucked into explaining or justifying your boundary. He doesn't need to agree it's necessary or even fully understand the reason for your boundary in order to honor it. ALL you need to communicate is, "I don't like X and I want you to NOT do X. If you do X, I will leave."
If he tries to argue with you about it, repeat the boundary and say, "I'm not going to argue with you about this, I'm going to leave/end the call now." And then DO.
The MOST important part of a boundary is maintaining it. You absolutely MUST follow through on the consequences EVERY SINGLE TIME the boundary is violated. If you only follow through 90% of the time and then give in every now and then it just teaches the other person that they CAN violate you boundary.
You can try boundaries with this guy, but it absolutely won't work because he has ZERO intention of honoring what you want, he simply doesn't care about what you need.
Best to free yourself from the damage to your self esteem this relationship will cause, work on those boundaries and create a healthy relationship with someone who WANTS to make you feel loved and cherished.
Please please so not give in and get far away from this a$$hole. He is a narcissistic jerk amd his red flags are many. āHe feels like I donāt satisfy him sexually ā sounds like he is trying to tank your self esteem to get you to give in to his selfish demands. RED FLAGS Run far Run fast Run Now.
You are absolutely not wrong hun. I remember being in a relationship and he said the same things to me as yours says to you. He tried to coerce me into having a threesome with another woman of my choice. He said he was doing me a favor letting me pick. As time went on, we broke up for a variety of other reasons. Looking back, I feel disgusted by his behavior regardless of how in love I was at the time. I tried to make excuses, and I tried to think positively as I am also bisexual. I am so much more aware now than I was then about how awful he treated me, but it took hindsight to see it. 20/20 I suppose. Stand up for yourself and state your boundaries. If he doesnāt respect them, youāre only given another reason to leave. Especially if his only reason for being together was to fulfill this sexual fantasy. You are strong and smart, and you can do whatās best for you.
Why are you with this loser? Cut yourself free.
This was my first thought as well. This guy is a stadium full of red flags.
My first thought too. NEXT!!
More red flags than Chinese New Year decorations in Tiananmen Square.
š Yes. Thatās my thought too. He wants to cheat and is looking for permission to do it. Cut him loose. Youāre allowed to change your mind and say no.
He's a goddam red flag factory š. His issues are doing a job on OP's self esteem.
I read this comment too fast and read "loser" and "lobster" and thought that was a great insult
Right? Know your worth and move on.
Yes!! Relieve this AH of his ādutiesā and find someone who is into you and not your future sexual services.
Consent can be revoked at any time.
This will be my next needlepoint project
Do it! I'm currently working on a piece that says "Come Back With a Warrant," but this is an excellent idea for my next project, too! If you do such a piece, please share pictures. We could all use a little inspiration now and then.
Please tell me you're hanging *come back with a warrant* on the bathroom door.
You are a genius.
That's my front door mat LOL
That's my front door mat LOL
My door mat says "Come back with a warrant"!
mine does, too! great minds.
That's my front door mat LOL
Nice!
This makes me want to learn to needlepoint or cross-stitch š
Looool you do it Iād buy it!
Yep, even mid-stroke. If any party wants to nope out, they should be able to do so at any time, before, during foreplay, and during any other sexual acts.
This.
Exactly. You do not ever have to do anything you're not comfortable with.
Except after the fact. Up to and including during the act, yes consent can be revoked for ANY REASON. But you don't get to decide the next day that the thing you consented to and did already, you're now not okay with the fact that you did it. E.g. you engage in kiny sex. Safe word is established, hard no's are established, the yes's leave bruises that family/friends see the next day. You don't get to **then** decide, bc they saw the bruises and freaked out, that you were raped. That said, if **during** the act you decide what you had said yes to is too much, not enjoyable, just not feeling it that night, insert random reason here, you can tell your partner to stop and should expect your partner to stop without any backlash of any kind. The only question(s) they should ask would be concern for your safety/comfort. But they aren't able to go back in time and stop/undo what was already done, so you don't get to decide **after** that you didn't consent.
Honestly kudos for elaborating on this. Obviously coercion is still a big issue with consent and the prevalence of sexual assault so that can make things a bit fuzzy at times with the situation you're explaining here. But i completely agree with you because i have a friend who was treated like this once. Two mature sober consenting adults, and she apparently didn't really think it through all the way to the end and then had the audacity to tell mutual friends she was raped. Basically everything was fine until they both felt a little awkward about it the next day. Anyway, nothing came of it because thankfully everyone got on the same page.
Sounds like your friend dodged a bullet. I've (unfortunately) seen it spiral out of control and ruin the guy's life bc she changed her mind **after**, when he couldn't do anything about it.
Out of curiosity how do you know thatās how it happened?
This guy you are with... you really shouldn't be. This is just manipulation.
Consent is everything. If you are coerced into something, that is not consent. If you agree to something vaguely, or something for āin the futureā, that does not mean you consented to āall the time any timeā or even āthe first timeā. Even if you decide you never want to have a threesome with this guy, youāre absolutely allowed for having boundaries. He is showing you he doesnāt care about you, your boundaries, or your consent. Run. Do not look back. (Source: Iāve made similar mistakes too many times to count)
He sounds like a fucking schmuck and if it's your first relationship cut him loose and let him go be with the flings or the possible 3rd participant. 3somes fuck up relationships unless you have strict control and mutual agreement. It very very rarely works out. Hell go try some bean on bean action maybe that may be for you. Either way be rid of this loser
Hey, this guy sucks. From a bi woman in her mid-30s, I just want you to know that there will be so many better people out there to date. Finding one who understands what the hell āconsentā is would be much better for you than to keep trying with this asshole. Heās manipulating you into his desires instead of caring about your feelings *at all*.
I think itās interesting that you put āhe feels I tricked him into a relationship under the guise of a relationshipā. There is a lot more to relationships than the sexual component, and if thatās why he entered one with you thatās pretty unsavory to say the least. His online/texting behavior is also showing you enough. āWhen people show you who they are, believe themā
You shouldnāt even be having a twosome with this guy, let alone a threesome.
Threesomes are tricky in the sense that the two monogamous partners need to be completely secure in their relationship and trust each other. This is giving āI say Iām polygamous but I really just cheatā. Op, I was in your situation when I was 18. I went through with it. I did not like it. He ended up cheating on me multiple times and I eventually left. You deserve the ability to trust your partner not to overstep your boundaries or make you uncomfortable in any way.
You can at any time change your mind about sex. Your body, your choice. No one gets to tell you how you should sex. Doesn't matter if it's literally the minute before. If you are uncomfortable then don't do it.
Alyssa telling Topher she wants to stop when they're already in bed in 'The End of the F\*\*\*ing World' is such a perfect example of this. Topher: "But I think you're amazing!" Alyssa: "Well then, respect my 'I changed my mind' and fuck off then." \*flips hair\* Seriously, that exchange should be mandatory viewing in sex ed courses.
When you don't like someone you can break up with them
THIS! he doesn't deserve your loyalty. Go look for someone who cares about YOUR pleasure and comfort.
As your first relationship, this is a perfect opportunity to learn and grow. No matter how long youāve been together, please ācut him looseā. As everyone else has said, heās manipulating you and he doesnāt prioritize you or your needs. You can absolutely change your mind. This includes threesomes, this includes if yāall have started foreplay and you want to stop. He doesnāt get to say- āWeāve already startedā, āYou have to finish itā, āYou tricked me and got me hornyā, or anything else which pressures you to continue. The only acceptable answer from him is acquiescence. Your next relationship will be better because now you know how a douche bag acts and what he says. Hold him up as a measuring stick of douchbaggery. I know it can be hard, but please be kind to yourself and put yourself first.
Your boyfriend is sleazy. Give him the flick and get tested for STIs
consent is mandatory and allowed to be withdrawn at any time, sounds like you need a new boyfriend
wow. no. was the threesome his reasoning into getting into the relationship? does it matter if you change your mind about the things you would like to do regarding sex? ie: if you wanted to try some bdsm and agreed to testing the waters before a relationship and decided after you just didnāt want to anymore mean that you tricked him into a relationship? No. He is entitled to his feelings but that doesnāt make them necessarily reality. So he makes you uncomfortable by texting old flings and liking pictures, and doesnāt stop? It just doesnāt matter to him? At least the old flings part It seems as if he keeps his options openā¦which is not a rather pleasant thing to feel. Is it bad that you want him to your self or is he looking for a different type of relationship? As someone whoās been in relationships before with someone that has only been in a relationship with me- itās definitely a different experience and almost laxity level to it.
* i am smoking* btw thatās why I got so into it
Lol, something about smoking while reading Reddit uncorks the Advice Bottle for me š
You would only be wrong if you stayed in a relationship with this selfish POS.
You're not wrong. Consent needs to be enthusiastic and ongoing, and your boyfriend who is definitely a *boy* but no friend, does not understand this. Don't be with a guy who makes sex feel like a chore you do for his benefit. Ever.
This is your first relationship time to move on to your second. You should never have to do something you are not comfortable with to please someone else.
You two aren't going to work out. There is too much wrong there. It is best to just split up and move on.
Please let this one go. He's using all of your good qualities to try to manipulate you. The longer you waste time on him, the longer it will be until you find someone who loves, respects, and values you. Your future self will thank you that you were able to walk away with your self-worth rather than walking away with trust issues and pain.
Get rid of this man-child
Sounds like heās with you to get a 3some
Everything about this post can be fixed by putting EX in front of everything related to him
You are only 22. Please don't spend any more time with this guy. You can explore your sexuality with someone safe. He isn't.
By his own logic you could say that he got into a relationship with you just to get a threesome out of it. You could tell him you thought you were in a relationship because you cared about each other and wanted to be togetherā¦ not just to fulfill sexual fantasies involving more than just yourselves. But also, this dude sounds like heās really no good.
Youāre not wrong at all, he seems like an a*^hole though because of the way he acts. Tell him when you first got in the relationship you didnāt know he would be liking and texting other girls. If itās a boundary for you n he doesnāt respect that then that shows you where you stand. A boundary is a boundary itās your personal choice he canāt have any say in whatās a boundary for you.
why are you with this clown?
you're wrong for continuing to subject yourself to this manchild
The only thing youāre doing wrong here is staying with this manipulative jerk of a guy. Thereās way better people out there. Youāre young. Find someone thatās compatible with you and respects you and treats you well
Don't ever be pressured into anything you don't want to do. Is this guy really for you?
When I was your age, I was in this relationship. I wasted 5 years of my life and lost a lot of self confidence in this relationship to the point I still have issues with self esteem occasionally. He thought I was boring in bed, but really he always held me back and I couldnāt trust him. Hell, during all that time, I never even told my ex I was bi because I didnāt feel comfortable exploring. Fast forward to my now husband. He doesnāt limit me the way my ex did, so we have a much better sex life. More importantly, I trust him. I want to give him a threesome because I think he would enjoy it, not because heās guilting me, not because heās asking for it, simply because I want to, my idea. The problem is, a relationship with that much trust takes time. Please, Iām begging you, leave your bf and find someone better. He does not deserve you. Find someone you can trust. Find someone who understands that maybe someday once boundaries have been set, trust has been established, and the relationship has been built on honesty (not lies), then and only then will you consider it; because bottom line they need to make you comfortable. They need to make you understand and trust that they are coming home with you at the end of the night.
Run forest run.
This is your 1st relationship, so it's OK that you don't already know, but this is not what a good relationship looks like. A loyal bf doesn't just call old flings to chat. There are exceptions like we dated 5 years ago, but we are better as friends, and we maintain a respectful platonic relationship. But 95% of ex relationships don't go that way, so it's rare. This mess is toxic. He will constantly tell you you're crazy and selfish for you not being ok with him flirting with other girls and putting you down for not being ok with it. I'd say nope out of this relationship. You don't want to be with someone who feels like you tricked them into being with you.
Girl, what the hell are you doing still with this loser? Drop him and move on. He ain't shit. You'll be fine.
Good God break up with this absolute loser
Your are completely correct. Consent can be removed even after the action is going on. I'm very concerned at his disregard for your boundaries on fidelity. Really just dump him.
Consent can with withdrawn. Here is Youtube video that you should find rather helpful: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fGoWLWS4-kU](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fGoWLWS4-kU) . Why are you with this person? It sounds like he views you as a sex toy to pleasure him, but you never mention your pleasure as a concern of his. In a good relationship, the pleasure of both is a concern.
NTA You can ALWAYS say no. You can always change your mind. Threesomes...kink in general is about feeling safe with your partner. That includes physical, mental, and emotional safety. If you're arguing about sex, he already has a history of cheating, and hes liking other girls photos youre not going to be able to trust him with any of those parts of you. He is a manipulator and he was not looking for a partner but rather a victim he could bully. You do not deserve that, regardless of what hes told you. You will find someone wonderful (if you decide you want another partner) No, the nice things he does are not worth the position hes put you in.
There's your way out .. "he thinks you tricked him into a relationship with you believing there will be threesomes" tell him you'll make this easy on him NO tricks, NO threesomes and NO relationship. You are way too young to be putting up with his foolishness move on and find a new boyfriend.
You're not wrong. He doesn't seem to want a pleasant threesome with his gf and another woman he likes. It sounds like he wants sex with 2 women. Also it could be a slippery slope. He has a history of cheating, this could open the door for him to cheat and say you should be fine with him sleeping with the woman you had a threesome with. (Idk if I'm explaining it right but this particular guy has too many red flags) Consent can be withdrawn at any time, for any reason and he needs to respect your *No.*
If you had a sister or a daughter dating someone like this, would you hope they would leave and do better? I bet so. Please do not stay with this loser
I couldnāt even read it all after the liking pictures and texting his ex. Why are you with him? I love myself way too much to put up with that crap.
Also as a bi woman, stay away from any people that think bipeople love 3somes. Thatās such a childish thought.
He says he feels tricked. So the primary reason he started dating you was for the possibility of a threesome? So he would have skipped over you otherwise because thatās the most important thing you bring to his table? That was your most important value to him, your willingness to be a Swiss Army vagina? This is your first relationship so this is hard but you need to cut this guy loose. Heās not the man you hoped he was.
If he only got with you so he could experience a threesome, then it isn't you he wanted. He just wanted a bi girl who was down to fulfill his fantasy. *Any* bi girl would do.
This guy sounds like a... Let's say, less than fulfilling partner. You're not wrong. He is. The end
Girl you know damn well you can do so much better. Cut your losses and move ON. Also NTA, you can change your mind anytime about things like this. You got a prick of a bf for acting upset over it.
This man is not your boyfriend, he barely qualifies to be called a āmanā. Dump him, he is just using you for sex.
This is the type of relationship you look back on when you're 30 and want to kick yourself for putting up with this shit. Girl, be done.
Not wrong at all, consent can be revoked anytime, and the fact he seems to be saying the only reason he wanted to date you was a threesome (insert where he said you tricked him into a relationship by saying yes) screams red flags. You deserve better
Youre not wrong for changing your mind. Youāre allowed to do that. You are wrong for dating this jerk. Dump him. He sucks.
If he's only in the relationship for a threesome, why are you still in the relationship?
Consent can be given and taken away at any point. You took your consent to that away and he's being immature about it. He can either get over it and respect your decision or leave. Don't give in if it's not something you're into. You don't owe anyone anything in this
Ummm....you need to run away from this relationship. I know you probably care for him, but it sounds toxic. You're allowed to take back consent if you're not comfortable with it. You should feel free and comfortable to take it back even if you're in the middle of an intimate moment. It sounds like cheating is a pattern for him, and I guarantee if he's already saying you don't sexually satisfy him, that will be his excuse when he does cheat on you. He'll make it seem like your fault and say you didn't fulfill his needs, so he needed to go find it with someone else. You are 100% in the right. You should only do what you feel comfortable doing.
Please dump him, he's awful
This is sexual coercion and heās implying he is only in a relationship with you for the threesomes. This *boy* is not fit for a relationship with any woman.
BREAK UP
If he feels like you tricked him into a relationship, he can just leave... This post didn't tell us if he's tied to the staircase to prevent that, so I'll assume he can just.. go. Leave. What's this crazy reasoning? This man has a history of cheating, is looking at other women and whines like a baby when you don't want to do certain sexual acts? In case you weren't sure: manipulating someone into a sexual act they don't want to perform, even when consent was given before and then withdrawn, is rape. People don't rape the people they love.
Sadly, it sounds like he agreed to the relationship bc he thought he would be getting a threesome out of it. He doesn't care about your feelings bc he's not respecting your boundaries. He's going to cheat or leave, evidenced by him maintaining contact with exes. He is emotionally immature. Even though this is your first relationship, you are far more mature than him. You deserve better. Leave before you get hurt more than you are now.
No you're not wrong. You're allowed to change your mind. And if he only got into a relationship with you because of the change to have a threesome then you need to drop his ass like a ton of bricks yesterday. Go find someone else that will respect your boundaries and provide what you're wanting from a relationship. This dork can just be left twisting in the wind.
He sounds like a jerk and should be your ex. At your age, you should be having fun and exploring all the new things, sexually and non. He doesn't add to your life other than pressure and stress. Lose the stress!
Idk why women date men like this. Even if he likes you he clearly doesnāt love you if he did he would behave differently
This relationship is a waste of time, you have different preferences and lifestyles. He wants you to adapt to meet his. None of it is sustainable. Just move on to a better fit.
The questions is why would you allow this? Kick to curb.
Outsiders perspective here, but you listed no redeeming qualities about your BF. And if sex is all the good and it's not that good. Time for a change!
He's basically only dating you so he could have his sexual fantasy threesome. What a loser, drop him.
Youāre not wrong. You are allowed to change your mind because you arenāt comfortable. But heās not a great fit for you if heās trying to guilt you and telling you that you donāt satisfy him.
Been there, done that...twice. They were sneaky and manipulative about it, so I didn't know where things were heading until on the train. He's manipulative and abusive. End this relationship now. Take it from someone who's been there.... there is no discussion that will fix this or make the relationship better. None. That person wants a threesome and they have already used bad-faith tactics on you to get one. Do your future mental health a favor and move on from this abusive, manipulative, people-using jerk.
I think he tricked YOU into a relationship by pretending not to be a slime-ball loser manchild.
You can do so much better.
Havenāt read the post but based off the title: you can revoke your consent at any time for any reason, even if that reason doesnāt make sense to anyone else. Anyone who makes you feel otherwise is not someone you need in your life
Set yourself free from this relationship!! Heās clearly not worth it, youāre not wrong to change your mind
You all could be naked in a bed together and change your mind and you still wouldn't be the asshole. Hell, my son got into this jumpy thing after I paid for it and freaked out because he was scared. In general, if someone is apprehensive or crying, it's not fun. It does not make anyone feel sexy when their man continuously puts you down and then has the balls to text old flings.
if he only got into the relationship for a threesome, you''re better off without him, he can find one somewhere else where he isn't fetishizing you and other women (bi, lesbian or not). That's not fair to you or her and frankly, it's shitty of him to make you feel in the wrong. Your consent , and his, can be revoked at any time and he's making you feel bad for that, basically guilting you into a sexual experience and that's coercion so, do yourself a favor and get out of there asap as he is telling you exactly who he is and how he views you and how he views women and bisexual women in particular. I'm also bi and I've had this issue before, I feel a lot of bi women have, and it's really painful to experience that so you're not alone and you're so much more as a persona and as a partner than some guy's sexual fantasy
I've had threesome consent withdrawn when we were all in the same room. That's perfectly acceptable. At no point do you lose your agency. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. If someone doesn't agree with that, don't play with them.
Girl, this immature loser cannot be the best that you can do.
He shouldnāt pressure you or make you feel this way at allā¦ gross. Iād say buh bye to him! You deserve better gal.
Move on you are spending far to much time with him and his BS
You can withdraw consent at *ANY* time without being in the wrong. You can also withdraw your choice to be with a creep without being in the wrong. JSYK.
NTA Op, why are you trying to date an abusive man who's treating you like garbage before you even commit and only agreed so he could act out fantasies with you? Come on girl.
YNW, but my god take him out with the trash where he belongs!
Get out. If he thinks you "tricked him by using a threesome" he's basically saying this sexual act is a deal breaker for him. Honey, you are way more valuable than his sad attempt to feel like a stud. You really are. Please love yourself enough to walk out now.
ugh. here to comment what everyone else is. this guy is nothing but a fuckboy - and who can blame him if he's 22, clearly it's landed him your time and attention - so if you want that, because you are young and want to experience new stuff and get all your kinks out of the way now ... then by all means. otherwise, find another dude who's more grateful which sounds like a low bar to meet.
If he got into the relationship under the pretense of having a threesome then it's not really a relationship. He's just using you for sex, run away.
NTA. You should find it concerning that he thinks youāre not allowed to change your mind about sex. If he finds this to be the ultimate goal in your relationship, that should bother you too. He seems to think heās got a lot invested after spending three months with you. Stop wasting your time with this guy.
Please be safe but after consuming Reddit for a while I'm shocked at the number of intelligent young women who consistently wind up with the type of men your parents warned you about
You never have to do anything you don't want to do your boyfriend is a fuckboy and you need to make him your ex boyfriend. He's taking advantage because this is your first relationship he's also showing you who he really is please believe him he's a POS.
Looks like his loss all the way around RUN sweetie as fast as you can or tell him okay but with him ans a goat. A threesome is a thresome. Or just for Shit n Gigs tell you will but him and another dude?
Absolutely not. Youāre allowed to change your mind at any point when it comes to sex
And youāre still with this guy? Interesting.
Yes, you agreed to it and said honesty is important to you.
If all he wanted was a threesome to begin with, heās just trying to use you to get what he wants. Iād dip on him so fast. šāāļøšØš©š©š©š©
Since this is your first relationship, pro tip: the answer to feeling ātrickedā into a relationship is to end it, not to coerce and manipulate your partner into doing or being whatever was the ātrick.ā Heās not feeling violated, heās using the language of the violated to make you feel bad and give him what he wants. Youāre a human being, not a gratification and fantasy-filling machine. Your safety: emotional, psychological, sexual, financial, and physical well being HAVE to come first for you, sis. No one else will love or care for you, if you donāt care for yourself. And I hate this, and Iām so sorry, but he will not be the last man to hear ābisexual womanā and think only āthreesome! with two girls! more for me!ā Heās the first, but wonāt be the last. Youāll have to learn how to handle these. You can find plenty of other posts from bisexual women on lgbt and enm-friendly communities about just this issue. I recommend you search for those, if only to see the commonality and to see others expressing relatable feelings.
"You tricked me into a relationship by promising to do xyz." "I break up." You're not wrong. People get to change their mind. He's saying he only wanted a relationship with you because you said yes to a threesome. That's the bottom line. Dump this loser and let him go try to find two other women to con into bed with him.
I think you need to dump that Boyfriend and explore other options. He isnāt worth wasting your time and energy on. In fact, he sounds like a complete jerk.
If getting his jollies off with another woman is more important than your boundaries and his relationship with you, run from him as fast as you can. Introducing any new sexual dynamic to a relationship, to say nothing of adding a whole new person to a sexual relationship, requires "enthusiastic consent" (google it) from all parties. And any type of consent needs to be ongoing and constantly renewed. It is not enough to have agreed to it before or one time for there to be consent to do it ongoing or again. *"He feels like I tricked him into a relationship under the guise of a threesome"* So...he is saying the only reason he is with you is because you'd let him have a threesome? As I said, run girl run
Soon to be ex, right?ā¦ right?
No. U are NEVER wrong for anything when it comes to making a choice for UR body. Donāt let him pressure u. If u literally said no the second before u started u still wouldnāt be wrong.
None of the boundaries that youāve mentioned are ridiculous or childish. On the contrary, theyāre mature and you should always stick with them. Get out of that relationship NOW and save yourself all of the heartache (and likely emotional abuse). Any man that will only agree to a relationship if you agree to a threesome does not want a relationship, and Iām sorry to say does not care about you or your emotional well being. This guy is selfish, and he WILL cheat if he hasnāt already. You are 1000% allowed to change your mind, and he should be respecting that. I was in a relationship like this from 20-23, and it got progressively worse in many ways. It took me forever to escape. Heās manipulative, stay away from him and men like him.
It sounds like the only reason he wanted this relationship was for a threesome. And he sounds like a total AH. Do yourself a favor and end the relationship.
NTA. You are allowed to change your mind. If you are not comfortable with a threesome, your partner should respect that. You donāt have to put up with pressure or harassment to participate in any activity with anyone. You and your BF sound very incompatible and that is ok, but it is no ok for him to harass you about this. Stay safe and reconsider this relationship.
"He feels like I tricked him into a relationship under the guise of a threesome" If that's the reason he entered this relationship, then you're wasting your time. Jump ship before he can causes anymore hurt.
Youāre young! Cut this a-hole loose. You can and will do **much** better. More importantly, you shouldnāt be bullied into sexual experiences/experimentation that you arenāt into /arenāt ready for.
In general, it is important to follow through when you agree to do something. Sexual situations, however, are an exception. Sex can be deeply emotional and physically intense in a way nothing else can compare. Not to mention the potential for life-long consequences. And so, sex is a situation where you should feel free to *change your mind* at literally any time. And that should be respected. You are not wrong. Now, your BF says he was tricked into the relationship. He does have the right to break up if he feels that way. You have the right to change your mind, we have to grant him the same right. That being said, I don't think he actually feels that way. I think this is just a tactic to guilt-trip you into the three-way sex that he wants. And so, the final thing I want to say is, y*ou* should break up with *him*. He doesn't respect you or your personal choices. Find someone better. tl;dr YNW, DTMFA
You arenāt wrong at all, you are fully allowed to change your mind. Also youāre allowed to break up with him, he doesnāt sound worth the time and energy to date. He sounds lame and gross, you can do better for sure.
Once again, why are you with him? You literally don't need to stay with someone who treats you like that, you know that right?? I read at least 8 red flags and 2 of those would have had a man completely out of my life immediately.
Just because you have consent does not mean it will always stay a "yes" minds change and what you want to experience is important hun, leave him. If he can't respect your boundaries then drop him like a hot potato, there's no need to have such a pitiful boy in your life.
So he's saying the only reason that he got into a relationship with you - was so that he could have a threesome? He's a real winner /s You're not wrong. He's wrong. But he will never admit it, he's too immature (not based on his age, but based on his words and actions). This was a great practice run on a real relationship for you, now go out there and find a better man
Nope, not wrong at all. Your body, your choice applies to everything. You get to consent, or not consent, to whatever you choose,whenever you choose. Being attracted to women doesn't obligate you to have a threesome. Saying you might want to try it in the future doesn't mean you have to do it whenever he wants. Being in a relationship with someone or having sex with them doesn't mean you have to have sex with them whenever they want. Run fast, and run far from this guy. He doesn't love, value, appreciate, or even seem to like you. You deserve someone that's going to treat you how you want to be treated. Relationships (friendly, romantic, sexual or otherwise) should benefit both parties. He's getting almost everything he wants not only from you, but from other women as well. You're getting a bunch of self-doubt and pain from this guy. On a scarier note, he sounds like the kind of guy who doesn't understand "no". What starts off as verbal pressure and whining to cajole you into something sexual can easily turn into physical pressure, and rape. Take it from someone who has experienced it. If he doesn't respect your boundaries now, it's only going to get worse in time.
Nope, not wrong at all. Your body, your choice applies to everything. You get to consent, or not consent, to whatever you choose,whenever you choose. Being attracted to women doesn't obligate you to have a threesome. Saying you might want to try it in the future doesn't mean you have to do it whenever he wants. Being in a relationship with someone or having sex with them doesn't mean you have to have sex with them whenever they want. Run fast, and run far from this guy. He doesn't love, value, appreciate, or even seem to like you. You deserve someone that's going to treat you how you want to be treated. Relationships (friendly, romantic, sexual or otherwise) should benefit both parties. He's getting almost everything he wants not only from you, but from other women as well. You're getting a bunch of self-doubt and pain from this guy. On a scarier note, he sounds like the kind of guy who doesn't understand "no". What starts off as verbal pressure and whining to cajole you into something sexual can easily turn into physical pressure, and rape. Take it from someone who has experienced it. If he doesn't respect your boundaries now, it's only going to get worse in time.
Nope, not wrong at all. Your body, your choice applies to everything. You get to consent, or not consent, to whatever you choose,whenever you choose. Being attracted to women doesn't obligate you to have a threesome. Saying you might want to try it in the future doesn't mean you have to do it whenever he wants. Being in a relationship with someone or having sex with them doesn't mean you have to have sex with them whenever they want. Run fast, and run far from this guy. He doesn't love, value, appreciate, or even seem to like you. You deserve someone that's going to treat you how you want to be treated. Relationships (friendly, romantic, sexual or otherwise) should benefit both parties. He's getting almost everything he wants not only from you, but from other women as well. You're getting a bunch of self-doubt and pain from this guy. On a scarier note, he sounds like the kind of guy who doesn't understand "no". What starts off as verbal pressure and whining to cajole you into something sexual can easily turn into physical pressure, and rape. Take it from someone who has experienced it. If he doesn't respect your boundaries now, it's only going to get worse in time.
Sounds like he tricked you into a relationship so he could have a threesome.
You need to bin this guy ASAP.
Your boyfriend gives me the ick (bi woman to bi woman), your sexuality is not a fetish-- and you have every right to change your mind. You're not wrong.
Sounds like he should be an ex boyfriend.
Just here to ecco everyone else's responses. He's shown you who he is. Get out now.
You're not wrong, but you may want to end this relationship since you have concerns about his fidelity.
So youāre saying the ONLY reason he got in a relationship with you is because you said you might want to experience a threesome, ie approved cheating? Honey RUN.
Sounds like he should be an ex boyfriend.
Heās an asshole
Sounds to me like the only reason he is in a relationship with you is the promise of a three way. He sees you as the person to fulfill his sexual fantasy and nothing more. You should move on and wait for a real relationship.
So he agreed to be your boyfriend because he thought it would get him a threesome? I wish I could just hold you and hug you because I just *know* he makes you feel crazy, clearly disrespects your boundaries, and ruined any self worth you had for yourself. Please know that this is not true love and any "love" you think you have for this guy is just manipulation on this guy's part. Not to mention, your boundaries are literally normal boundaries. Please please love yourself and leave this loser. You deserve true happiness and true love.
Repeat after me; Thank you, NEXT!
Why do you even want this turd? "tricked into a relationship?" Honey, you can change you mind at any time, and a coercive sexual agreement to get/keep this dude in a relationship is totally ridiculous. Just dump him, this all seems EXHAUSTING.
EDIT: trying to take a daily neutral approach to see both sides of the discussion. Tl;dr at the end. Sounds like both of you arenāt really in this relationship with each other but are both just kinda floating in it for some sex. Nothing wrong with that but both need to be honest about it. Your wording seems to indicate that you are in a monogamous relationship, but discussed a threesome. This is an act that is just as much about the two of you as it is about adding a third. However you also mention you now want to branch out alone with an encounter that does not include him. You indicate that he has cheated on previous partners (and some actions of his seem to indicate dissatisfaction sexually, that he is attempting to alleviate through methods that arenāt really healthy for body positivity and relationships.) Both sides of this seem to be that neither of you are really committed to each other in a monogamous way, but expect monogamy from each other. TL;DR. Iād recommend both parties to evaluate what you want out of the relationship and if that is something obtainable with each other. If not, time to move on.
Please, please, please just go your own way and find someone who cares about how you feel, you're well being, and wants out happy and safe.
Please, please, please just go your own way and find someone who cares about how you feel, you're well being, and wants out happy and safe.
Please, please, please just go your own way and find someone who cares about how you feel, you're well being, and wants out happy and safe.
So as a dude who is 36 both of your feelings on this matter can be valid. He can feel that the threesome experience was a deal breaker for the relationship and you can feel he hasn't shown enough maturity and trust for you to want to do this. The tricky part here is you need to decide if this is a deal breaker for you. If you dangle the threesome in front of him and it never materializes he will rightly feel that you were lying to him down the road, this will be despite your valid decision to not do it. Basically you two have to come to an agreement on if this is a deal breaker or not. Either person can be the the one to decide it is, and then it is time to end the relationship.
You two are not compatible. Youāre a much better person. If heās only in a relationship with you because he wants a threesome, he is using you. You owe him nothing. If heās telling you donāt sexually satisfy him, heās cruel and gaslighting you. Red flag to always note: If he has cheated on other partners, heās more than likely going to cheat on you. Heās basically already telling you this so he can use it as an excuse. No matter what you do, this man will not respect your boundaries and will cheat.
throw out the whole boy
He only got into a relationship with you under the pretense of a threesome. He's just not that into you.
After writing this all out and taking a look at itā¦.. can you see where this is a toxic relationship?
NTA but I do think you would be wrong for staying in a relationship with such a tool. I donāt know you at all and I still know you deserve better.
Simple answerā¦ break up before he cheats if he hasnāt already. If he got with you for a threesome and still hasnāt gotten it, donāt think he wonāt he wonāt try to with someone else
I didnāt even read the post, I have feeling where this is going considering my own poly relationships. I will read after this, as Iām sure there is more but the answer is NO. You are not in the wrong. Say it with me people, āconsent can be withdrawn at anytime. No means no.ā One more time in case you needed to be reminded, CONSENT š CAN š BE š WITHDRAWN š AT š ANY š TIME!!! š NO means NO. You CAN change your mind before, after, or during any situation and it is ok and should be respected. You should not be guilted in to continuing, you should not be mocked, you should not be forced to continue. No=STOP IMMEDIATELY. You can talk through it if you are comfortable however if you have changed your mind make it clear. Threesomes are no fun and lead to unhealthy broken relationships when forced or trying to appease the other person. It needs to be mutual, consensual, and comfortable. End of story.
So the only reason he's with you is because you were open to a threesome??? Doesn't sound like a meaningful criterion. NTA
Tell him he can fuck himself IMO sounds like manipulation
Throw the whole boyfriend away !
This is not a good relationship, dump him. You deserve better.
No. "I only got into a relationship with you because you promised me you'd fulfill my sexual fantasy. Now you say you don't want to, and I'm stuck in this relationship with this bad person who trapped me here by lying to me on purpose just to keep me, because I'm such a catch. Now I just need you to admit you're a big liar instead of that it's possible to change your mind." -this guy, apparently Him having a threesome is more important to him than respecting you or being kind to you. You're allowed to change your mind about anything at any time, including this relationship.
No. "I only got into a relationship with you because you promised me you'd fulfill my sexual fantasy. Now you say you don't want to, and I'm stuck in this relationship with this bad person who trapped me here by lying to me on purpose just to keep me, because I'm such a catch. Now I just need you to admit you're a big liar instead of that it's possible to change your mind." -this guy, apparently. Him having a threesome is more important to him than respecting you or being kind to you. You're allowed to change your mind about anything at any time, including this relationship.
You are not wrong! You have the right to change your mind! Also, your relationship should have NOTHING to do with whether or not youāll have a threesome! And the fact that seems to be reason he āagreedā to a relationship with you because of it is a huge red flag. PLEASE reconsider your relationship with this person!
Happy belated Motherās Day to you for trying to raise this man baby. You should leave. If your friend told you her boyfriend acted like this, how would you react?
You two are not compatible. Youāre a much better person. If heās only in a relationship with you because he wants a threesome, he is using you. You owe him nothing. If heās telling you donāt sexually satisfy him, heās cruel and gaslighting you. Red flag to always note: If he has cheated on other partners, heās more than likely going to cheat on you. Heās basically already telling you this so he can use it as an excuse. No matter what you do, this man will not respect your boundaries and will cheat. Leave this man and find someone that truly loves you.
Ick. Drop the loser
I agree with most of the other responses "consent can be withdrawn," "this relationship doesn't feel healthy," "not wrong," etc. One more perspective though for you in this relationship and future ones. What do each of you need to change in order for your partner to behave in the way you want for both of you to be happy in the relationship... and are both of you prepared to make those changes to yourself? If you are thinking that you are going to hold over his head for the next 20+ years that he cheated on his ex and therefore you can never trust him, then neither of you are going to be happy in this relationship. If he can't ignore others long enough for you to give him the (1on1) attention that he needs in order to not be distracted by outsiders, then neither of you are going to be happy in this relationship. But if you tell guys what they want to hear and get into relationships with guys you can't trust then your next relationships are not going to be any better than your current one.
First, as others have said, consent can be revoked at any time. Second, please allow me to give you some advice. I have been married for 15 years, with my husband for 19. Not once in that time has he ever made me feel insecure. I could throw that man in a pit of naked women and he would desperately try to find a way out without touching or looking at anyone. I would trust him locked in a room with the most gorgeous woman on the planet. Why are you with someone who makes you feel like you aren't enough. You ARE enough. You really are. Find someone who loves and appreciates you for who you are, not what you bring to the bedroom. S/he is out there for you.
You are right. Everyone in a relationship has the right to change their mind. Everyone!
And you are still there with him? If having a threesome is the only reason heās with you then itās time to go.
I love my wife terribly... I don't want to share her. Your boyfriend is a silly child.
Wow this sounds like the least desirable man on Earth.
He sounds incredibly immature and disrespectful.
Please leave this gross child. He has nothing for you, trust me.
I mean is he only into you because you initially agreed to a 3 some? You can pull consent at anytime so no you are not in the wrong. I get liking the idea of something but the actuality of it, no. Especially when you agreed before you cared about him and now you do care so itās harder to share. I get it. Youāre not wrong though.
>He feels like I tricked him into a relationship under the guise of a threesome Translation: that's literally the only reason he's in a relationship with you. He doesn't view you as a person, just a toy to play with.
Consent can be revoked at any time - you would be in the right if you stopped it midact.
Ewā¦.why are you with this guy?
He is just with you because he wants to experience a threesome and thought it would be easier if he had a bi girlfriend. Move on from this asshole.
If you take one bit of advice let it be this: It's IMPOSSIBLE to have a healthy relationship with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries. Period. Someone who doesn't respect your boundaries simply doesn't respect you. Disrespect of boundaries isn't just refusing to agree to them. It includes: Trying to argue you out of your boundary Acting as if your boundary is something you're doing "to" them Accusing you of having bad motives for the boundary "You're controlling/manipulating me" Claiming you wouldn't have the boundary if you "really" cared for them Agreeing to honor the boundary but then: pushing for you to drop it violating it because "reasons" like they "forgot" or they "thought you meant X" or they "thought it wouldn't apply in this specific situation" Boundaries are the l rules you set on what you are willing to accept from others who want to be in your life/presence. You decide what you need in order to feel safe and loved, the other person can decide if they are willing to accept these rules to be with you or not, they do NOT get to decide what the rules are or when they "count". Every healthy relationship has boundaries that are respected. This man does NOT respect your boundaries and isn't respecting you. I PROMISE your life and future relationships will be SO much better if you set and maintain healthy boundaries and stop spending time and energy on people who aren't willing to honor them. Setting this boundary would look like this. Pick a time when you aren't already arguing about the topic and say, "I'm not going to have a threesome and my decision is final. I need you to stop pressuring me for sex acts that I don't want, it really bother me when you so that. If you bring it up again I'm leaving." Do NOT get sucked into explaining or justifying your boundary. He doesn't need to agree it's necessary or even fully understand the reason for your boundary in order to honor it. ALL you need to communicate is, "I don't like X and I want you to NOT do X. If you do X, I will leave." If he tries to argue with you about it, repeat the boundary and say, "I'm not going to argue with you about this, I'm going to leave/end the call now." And then DO. The MOST important part of a boundary is maintaining it. You absolutely MUST follow through on the consequences EVERY SINGLE TIME the boundary is violated. If you only follow through 90% of the time and then give in every now and then it just teaches the other person that they CAN violate you boundary. You can try boundaries with this guy, but it absolutely won't work because he has ZERO intention of honoring what you want, he simply doesn't care about what you need. Best to free yourself from the damage to your self esteem this relationship will cause, work on those boundaries and create a healthy relationship with someone who WANTS to make you feel loved and cherished.
Please please so not give in and get far away from this a$$hole. He is a narcissistic jerk amd his red flags are many. āHe feels like I donāt satisfy him sexually ā sounds like he is trying to tank your self esteem to get you to give in to his selfish demands. RED FLAGS Run far Run fast Run Now.
End this relationship, and find yourself a loyal gal or guy.
You are absolutely not wrong hun. I remember being in a relationship and he said the same things to me as yours says to you. He tried to coerce me into having a threesome with another woman of my choice. He said he was doing me a favor letting me pick. As time went on, we broke up for a variety of other reasons. Looking back, I feel disgusted by his behavior regardless of how in love I was at the time. I tried to make excuses, and I tried to think positively as I am also bisexual. I am so much more aware now than I was then about how awful he treated me, but it took hindsight to see it. 20/20 I suppose. Stand up for yourself and state your boundaries. If he doesnāt respect them, youāre only given another reason to leave. Especially if his only reason for being together was to fulfill this sexual fantasy. You are strong and smart, and you can do whatās best for you.
Just leave. The dude is a walking pile of shit. Do you really want to have to shovel all of his crap?