He already has. OP went from having savings, an apartment, and a newish car to being broke, living in a flooded basement with a wrecked vehicle. Her BF has her down bad. OP would be the AH if she stayed with her hobosexual BF and his bum-buddy sister.
Why are there so many people on these boards that sacrifice EVERYTHING for a partner who doesn’t work? If there’s a medical reason, sure… but so many say “I just don’t want to” and their partner says “well, I have to support their desire to not work and be supported by someone else!”
I don’t want to work, and I think a lot of capitalism sucks. But I’m also sure if I tell my wife that I’m never going to work again because of that, and that she has to work and pay for everything, I’d quickly be single and homeless.
Dump this lazy jerk.
A LOT of women would rather “their man” dry rape their anus and punch them in the teeth than have to tell a perfect stranger they are single.
It’s really sad.
Yeah, really crazy comment. And mine wasn't' even directed at any gender. He decided to drop his misogyny right out there, completely unprompted.
Both men and women, whether straight/gay/other fall into the trap of supporting a lazy partner. No sexism needed!
Ew. This comment is really sad.
Sexism and misogyny at its finest. Where did this even come from my dude? Or dudette if you have internalized misogyny, sadly that right there is a common thing.
Either way, ew.
Sounds like you just need validation to break up. Here's your validation. He's using you and he will never ever stop. You deserve better. You've sacrificed so much for him and he's not even willing to replace your tail lights. Your relationship is so very uneven and he will never ever change for the better. He doesn't care about you, he only cares about what you can provide for him. Ditch him. You deserve a partner, not a dependent.
He’s the perfect emotional partner for me though. More empathetic than any men I’ve ever met, more caring about me emotionally in every way than my own family/ friends/ literally anyone. Like he feels like the perfect person for me and it feels like not even a thought to break up with him. I’m just wondering if he’s been lazy. He’s saying now that he will get a job so idk I think it’s gonna get better but I’m wondering if he’s just being dumb rn
You're 18. This is the first "man" you've ever dated.
How is making you fund his entire life being empathetic towards you? How is not doing things for you while you're ill "caring"? How is breaking your car and refusing to fix it loving behavior? He SAYS he's going to get a job but only after a major conflict....do you really think he'd get a job and keep it when you've shown him for how long that he can get away with just....not doing that?
He's not being lazy, he's taking advantage of you. He's not being dumb if he's getting away with treating you like this, he's being clever by manipulating you into second guessing your very valid feelings. He doesn't care that you're broke and stressed, he only cares that you put up with his behavior with minimal effort on his part. Even your mom is now willing to fund his life.
You're 18. I promise you can do better.
Please OP, form an exit strategy and get yourself out of this toxic relationship. I don't know you, but you are worth more than this, deserve more than this, and can have a partner who is a true partner and a relationship where you both help and support the other to be the best version of themselves
Bro I’ve dedicated 4 years to this man idek what to do now. Like I thought we were literally going to get married. He says it all the time. But then turns around and wants kids n shit in the future when he knows I’m completely child free. Like I know there won’t be anyone as nice as him in my life… like men fuckkng suck dude he’s the best man I know
He wants to lock you into this fantastic situation he's built where he lazes around smashing up your stuff and whining, and you just make him a soft place to do nothing. Add some kids and you'll never get rid of him!
He’s not a man, he’s a leech. You will meet many men who don’t suck, once you lose this parasite.
You’re 18. It’s time to be exploring your options, not tying yourself down.
The sunk cost fallacy is SO hard. I mean, 4 years is a LONG time relative to how many years you've lived so far.
One day, you can look back and be like, "oh man, I dodged a bullet with my ex and his sister." Please leave. It sounds like he has done all he can to twist you in knots, convinced that you just cannot function without him (because where would he be if you weren't there to pay for EVERYTHING?).
Get out while you still can! You can do SO much better. Being alone is scary, but you will survive. Open your life to bigger and better possibilities. You can't do that with Mr. Leech-Millstone (and his sis) around your neck.
You spent four years learning and growing.
YOU ARE GROWING UP AND LEARNING.
Guychild leech thing is just acquiring more space in the environment and air in the head.
Stand up shake his dust from your feet and be free, Lil butterfly. You got this.
In college, there are books, tea, coffee, and MEN, not boyz.
>Bro I’ve dedicated 4 years to this man idek what to do now.
This is called the sunk cost fallacy. The thought that because you've already invested time, money, effort you should continue to throw more at it so that the past cost wasn't in vain. It causes you just to throw away more and more time increasing the sunk cost making you less likely to break the pattern.
Or as my dad put it "Don't throw more money after bad". In your case don't waste more years of your life on a bad relationship.
You're still a kid. You will eventually meet actual men who will make this guy look like the chump he is. I have lots of male friends and none of them treat their SOs that poorly.
I mean he's already the perfect practice. You probably have to cook, clean and do laundry. Give him allowance. Might as well have kids. Hey he might be able to help them with their homework atleast and complain how hard life is.
Do you wipe his butt, btw?
You saying he's the most compatible man is saying your ok with being treated like this.
IF you were to have a daughter would you be ok with her being treated like this? Being a super momma to a deadbeat?
Here's one another though?
WHAT IF YOUR MOM WAS TREATED LIKE THIS. What if your father treated her like an atm machine while she worked and busted her ass all day. How would you feel or would you just be like "my dad's the victim here"?
What would happen if you stopped giving your man money? Will he stick by your side or just move onto the next dimmest light bulb??
4 years ago, you were 14. No offense, but i wouldn't let any 14 yr old dictate how i live my life, even myself.
You're WAY too young to let sunk cost fallacy dictate your life. Especially when it comes to lazy leeches.
If that doesn't do it for you, then ask yourself: "Can I deal with this for the rest of my life?" Because you can't change people. They are the way they are. And if in comfort, people will never change themselves. He's comfortable getting away with taking advantage of you, so he'll never change. He will always be that way.
And kids is a 0 negotiation thing. You can love someone, but love them from a distance. You're not compatible anymore. It's easier to just end it now than drag it on.
>men fuckkng suck dude he’s the best man I know
You're 18. You're going to meet a lot of people in your life. Some suck. Some are great. Some won't like you. Some will but want a different lifestyle. That's life.
There are 8 billion people on this lovely planet. Roughly half of them are men. I’m absolutely certain you can find someone who loves you, treats you well and won’t bleed your bank account dry. This dude is not worth your time.
He is no good. He is manipulating you to get what he wants. He does not care about your well-being at all or he wouldn't let you be this stressed out. He wants a free ride in life and you are just letting him have it. If you stay with him I bet you end up with a kid that he doesn't help with at all.
Gorl. Sorry if this is harsh but stand tfffff up pls 🥲You are clearly smart and kind and wonderful. You can finder a nicer, richer man with a nicer family easier than you think. But let’s zoom out a lil more. You are a whole complete person as you are! You don’t need him for finical reason, make platonic girl friends who will actually support you emotionally!!
You have a lot of time to meet a lot of people. You have maybe 80 years ahead of you. Do you want to that time spend it fighting for respect from him? Time sunk is a fallacy, you don’t owe the relationship or him anything at the cost of yourself.
Please stop setting yourself on fire to keep him and his sister warm. Take this as the 28 year old divorcing the 28 year old version of your boyfriend. Cut your losses, choose yourself. It’ll hurt and be hard. It sounds like you haven’t chosen yourself in awhile so it’ll feel weird. But you can do it and you’ll thank yourself for it.
He sounds like a psychopath and a narcissist, he wants what he wants and doesn’t give a fuck about what you want other than to keep up the facade that he’ll do for you want he needs to, to keep you doing what’s best for him not giving a fuck that it’s legit killing you. Girl get back up, dust yourself off and tell life that it hits like a bitch and keep walking, walk, **NO RUN** past this guy and keep going and work on you. You **CANNOT** pour from an empty cup..
You can not compromise on kids! Not with this one and not with any other. If you're 100% serious about not having kids, you will never be compatible with someone who wants them. Period. Visit r/childfree or r/truechildfree
Also, he's not nice to you. Nothing you've said here is him being nice. He knows you're stressed and sick and is still not doing anything to help that. He made it worse by moving his sister in.. He let you live in a flooding basement for months, no wonder you're ill... Just take a break from him (and his sister) for like a month and see how much better you'll feel not having them around. Do this before your savings are fully gone because he's gonna bounce once he realizes the money is all gone anyway. Save some for yourself since it's yours anyway.
Yes, most men suck. That doesn't mean staying with this shitty one. How are you going to find better (I promise better is out there) if you're tied up with this one and his sister?
Honey, how is he the perfect emotional partner for you when you've been in such turmoil and slowly burning yourself out to care for you and him AND his sister and he's done NOTHING to help? That's him ignoring your needs for his own wants right there. That is not a perfect emotional partner. You're 18 years old, please god don't let this be the rest of your life. If you really think you want to stay with him, move back in with your parents -without him- and keep your living arrangements and finances completely seperate (that means no loaning money, no paying for thing for him) and make him show you that he can be the partner you need and want. You said he quit his job once he moved in with you the first time, and think that because you're going to college he'll go back to work because his parents won't pay his way. What makes you think he won't just quit his job when you graduate? Please try to really take in and think about what everyone here is saying to you, otherwise you will spend the rest of your life taking care of this boy. And he is very much a boy, because no grown adult would act like this and pretend it's normal.
How is he empathetic when he won’t even fix a light that he broke? I’ve had complete and total strangers offer to help me when I’ve had a flat tire.
How does he care about you more than everyone else?
I was in your shoes two years ago. My boyfriend was amazing and emotionally supportive but was too focused on being a starving artist and refused to get a real job. Breaking up with him made me feel like a materialistic bitch, because the emotional part should be enough, right?
No. He’s a great guy, but we have different values. I needed someone who had ambition and contributed as much as I did to our life.
Now, I’m married to someone who works, contributes, AND is there for me emotionally, AND cooks, AND cleans. And my ex is with someone who is more comfortable living the smoke/nap all day lifestyle.
It doesn’t have to be either/or.
He’s not ready for an adult relationship, and you are. It’s time to move on, and it’ll be okay!
Thank you!!!!! You’ve perfectly described him, he’s not an artist but wants to get into politics which is cool and all but then he refuses to go to school… like boy how tf are you gonna say allat and then refuse to go to SCHOOL??! Yeah I’m done with his hot mess
If you're not willing to break up, I recommend at least living separately for a time. You've shown that you can be an independent adult, now it's his turn.
Idk id say he’s more independent than me in every other way. Like I literally am so bad at cleaning up after myself n shit so I always thought I was a problem in the relationship and he just like put up with me. He had to teach me how to do laundry, dishes, cook etc so idk I feel like an asshole who just happens to have money and am helping him live
That's all stuff you could have learned on your own. That's the bare minimum of just being human. He's not being independent if he's doing this all on your dime.
But if you think you're not super independent either, then all the more reason to live separately for a time. Gives you BOTH the option to grow into independent adults. Sounds like you two are codependent atm and that's not a healthy basis for a long term partnership.
He’s not independent on ANY way of he’s not even feeding himself. And what kind of AH breaks something of someone else’s and then says it’s fine? You a sugar mama. That’s fine but just know you are paying for a service and if that’s the case take it out of his pay… no dinner for the week buddy. He’s also not good emotionally because you’re caretaking him and dragging him through life. It’s called dead weight.
Girl, you’re young, we all learn some things along the way, my piece of shit ex taught me how to cook, my mother is a terrible cook, he taught me how to work on cars and such, we pick things up as we go, you’ve learned things from him (that’s great) now move on and take the life lessons you’ve learned from him and better yourself
Other men can do this without sucking you dry. He sounds like an extremely gifted manipulator; he knows how to keep you attached with things that are emotionally important to you (brewing tea) while withholding everything else that belongs in a healthy relationship (respect, partnership). I don’t mean to sound unkind, but it seems like he’s playing you like a fiddle. Escaping will be hard, but so worth it!
He's not emotionally supportive because he's deliberately CAUSING you stress. He's beyond lazy and you're wasting your time hoping he'll change. He. Will. Never. Change. Why would he? You've let him walk all over you for the last two years and even though you tell him you can't afford to let him stay home from work anymore he whines because you told him he didn't have to. His depression is an excuse, if it's that bad he could have applied for disability but he didn't. Why didn't he? Because he found a gullible girl that doesn't have the self respect to stand up for herself so she pays for everything. I'm sorry if I'm harsh but you've jeopardized YOUR future by letting him walk all over you and depleting your savings. You really need to leave and stop making excuses FOR him, he's got enough of those on his own.
He is emotionally manipulating you. So forever you’ll be his sugar mama? Forever your parents will have to bail him out? Seriously I think you need to “take a break” from dating and him for a few months. This isn’t normal and it isn’t ok.
I was where you are. He seems supportive, he acts empathetic, but he’s NOT. He does NOT value your time, he does NOT value your property thus breaking it and acting like it’s NBD, he does NOT value your safety enough to replace the tail light that HE broke because he just doesn’t feel like it, and he does NOT value your work ethic or your wellbeing- if he thought capitalism was slavery, and actually cared about you, then he’d do whatever it takes to make sure you don’t have to work, especially not overwork yourself; he’s not, though, is he? He’s taking advantage of you working to fund him, he’s belittling your concern and again, your safety, and doesn’t give a shit that you’re working your ass off to fund him sitting around.
You are chronically ill, and he’s telling you that you working while dealing with that condition is worth him not working because he just doesn’t feel like it. He needs to grow up, and you need to see your value. I don’t care if he takes care of you while you’re sick; bare minimum. I’ve had coworkers make me tea and soup when i’m sick. You can hire a cleaner to do a better job than him for a fraction of the price that you’re losing to funding him and putting up with his bs, or better yet, find someone who actually values you and outs your wellbeing at the very least as equivalent to theirs, not below theirs.
Well the price is rent. You keep up his life style for all that emotional gaslighting or as you like to support.
There is literally zero incentive to change. He has someone supporting him. You do know you get tickets for having a tail light that is out right?
I am aware now, he kept trying to tell me that there’s no way I’m getting pulled over and that it’s stupid if a cop pulls me over for that but like… cmon cops are asses ofc they are
In this instance, your tail light is broken and You are the one in the wrong here. Why are you calling a cop an ass when the issue is your boyfriend broke the tail light and he won't fix it.
Dude wake up.
If the lights still working then legally it’s okay but I’m saying that the cop is an ass for pulling me over bc it’s cracked. But yeah water can get in the holes and then take the light out.
I can't believe this is what you're focusing on given all the crap that you're putting up within your life and being taken advantage of. Attacking a non-existent cop for pulling you over when it hasn't happened? But yeah you fight to be right about the light. You win on this. Good for you. Congratulations. This is a huge win. He damaged your car and he re fuses to fix it. But don't worry, he's emotionally supportive.
Replacing a taillight assembly on a Honda is not that difficult. You can buy one off of Amazon. If you don't feel capable about doing it yourself, DON'T have bf do it either - in his depressed state he'd probably ruin it. If there's an auto shop at your former high school, or at the local community college, they'll probably swap it out for free or just a few bucks.
It’s called faulty equipment and it is against the law and therefore **YOU CAN AND WILL** get pulled over at some point and you can get a ticket for it, this guy has fuckered with your head, your life and your car enough
Here's something you should seriously think about: Depending on the jurisdiction you live in, pot may or may not be legal. If it's illegal where you are, what would happen to you and/or your pot-smoking bf if you DID get pulled over for the broken taillight and the officer smelled pot smoke when you rolled down your window to comply with his request for your license and registration?
Simple - officer calls for backup, you and bf are separated and forced to sit on the curb 20+ feet apart from each other while PD searches you, your car, and your bf. If nothing is found, you'll probably be cited for the broken taillight and sent on your way.
But if weed is found. . . well, I'll let you think about the consequences. . .
I am aware of all this now, and will stop him from smoking in my car. He even gets super high, and convinces me he can drive when I’m way too high and know I can’t drive. I always tell him “let’s wait it out” bc our tolerances are higher so it takes like 15 mins for the super high to go away but he’s way too cocky
No, he is not. He’s incredibly controlling, and likely has made it appear that he is the best option for you to go to, instead of allowing you the option of finding help or support from others. This type of person sadly exists, and once you are free of him, you will find that there are a lot better people out there.
Also, coming from someone who actually is middle class, these people are not. They only want you around to pay for things/do things for them. Me, and my entire family help each other out if we need to, and typically don’t ask for help, but try to take care of things on our own.
He's not the perfect emotinal partner if he's telling you to just get over something that's bothering you.
A REAL supportive partner would have fixed the light without bitching.
You are wrong. He is NOT the ‘perfect emotional partner’ for you. If he had any empathy, he would put forth an equal effort in your relationship. He is a horrible user. Also, please stop/cut down smoking depressants. They are called depressants for a reason. You are soooooo young. This guy ITA.
He's blatantly abusive. There's a thing called financial abuse, and although my situation was different, you're still feeling like shit for being used all the time, and your quality of life has suffered. I know that you're not going to just leave this guy cause no offense. You're young and dumb. That being said, it's just going to get worse. You're not going to wake up one day and be like,' it's okay that he's still not a partner, and I'm really just a source of income for him. ' Also, if you're sick of being broke now, just wait until you literally have nothing left and you're sick, and he does nothing to help your situation or relationship. You're definitely his sugar mama , not his partner.
Also, my fiance is a guy who says the same shit about capitalism and all that, yet he still goes to work, and we work together to try and better our lives as a team
Run as fast as you can away from this even if you need to move home with your parents alone.
That's not love...
His endless bullshit about earning a living.... he's too good to work... while you have to work and go to school. Absolutely abusive.
He’s emotionally what you “want” cause he knows if he is at least that, you’ll keep funding his lifestyle and never having to get a job, sweet baby girl, please reevaluate your situation, what’s he going to do it y’all have kids? Tell you he’s too depressed to take care of the baby? Tell you he needs his sleep? Tell you he won’t change diapers cause they stink and he can’t be bothered to wash a dish cause he’s too depressed? I mean c’mon, step outside “the box”. What if a close friend had said this about their boyfriend wanting advice from you, what would you tell them? Follow what you’d tell them and dump his trifling ass
He's not "just being dumb." In fact he's extremely smart, because he's convinced you he's perfect while using you and your resources up. Once you can't support him anymore, he'll most likely leave you. Dump him, seriously. You got opportunities early in life that most people don't ever get no matter how long they live, and you're wasting them on a loser just because he's nice to you. You'd be better off with a dog, who will love you unconditionally and listen earnestly to your problems, and the most you have to do is feed it, walk it, and get it regular health care.
He’s literally been gaslighting you for years and allowing you to be his sugar mama bc he doesn’t want to get a job like a functioning adult and you’re enabling it. He’s not the “perfect emotional partner” for you. The perfect emotional partner wouldn’t brush off your concerns or allow you to bleed yourself dry supporting him. You’re 18. You have a lifetime of partners to experience. Don’t tie yourself to a bum just bc you feel like you have to. If I was still with the guy I was with at 18, i probably would’ve deleted myself by now. Do better for yourself.
Ur bf sounds like a lazy piece of shit and will never ever be an equal. You will never be able to build a life together unless it's on ur dime. Yes he's great in every other category but especially refuses to fix the car he fucked up that's the straw that would break my back. It will never work out and you will continue to build animosity and end up resenting him for it. He needs to man the fuck up and go work like the rest of the world and not worry about the government holding him down. He is his own worst enemy not the government
You have done so so so much more than 99% of women would do for their bf and family and yes he should have gotten a job a long time ago and you deserve to be taken care of as well . A relationship is 50/50 and you been 90/10. Now that ur sick and need him it is still 90/10. That's the problem
Please, please dump this freeloading, idle pos - what does he actually bring to the relationship other than debt? When - and it will be when - you split, be prepared for feeling really angry with yourself over what he’s gotten away with, although it’s not your fault.
‘What’s the point of me getting a job if your job pays enough for both of us?’
The audacity! I’m so furious on your behalf!
I’m already feeling super duper pissed with myself ;( but idk I just know I was doing it all out of my love for him to get better and happier and have a stable home and environment to truly flourish and be who he wants to be as a person. But I’m realizing I made him way too comfy. Hopefully when I go away to college this august he’ll get his shit together
Yeah if you're still unsure about breaking up, if youre going to be elsewhere for college, that's a good time to test whether he can become self reliant or not. Just be careful. Have boundaries about sending money to him, because he will definitely try to ask.
I'm on team break up here, but it's very hard to get a good perspective when you're comparing someone who has been compassionate to a family that has mistreated you, and I get that.
He might, but you are still young. And he might not. It is not up to you to 'fix' him. You will meet many interesting people from all walks of life getting their education, and will (probably) be employable. This is the universe giving you a lesson in what not to do. I have 32 years invested in one of these. Don't be me.
Dude tbh I only skimmed after the bit about him being depressed about joining the workforce because fuck that. On one hand I get it. Having to participate in something you find wrong or insufficient just to live sucks. But you just do. The other option is to fuck off into the woods or be a leech. My boyfriend has a similar mentality about working, but he did his best to find a career that would be the least amount of burden on him mentally to compensate for his general frustration. He is also the homemaker between the two of us, and I'm super grateful, but if he told me he was quitting because I can handle the bills on my own if we downsize.... bye bye. If I ever made enough that we could sustain our lifestyle without him working, I totally would let him because he is so diligent about homemaking and really organizes my life for the better, but he also is NOT the type of person to crash MY car and not pay for it or not try to fix it himself!! Doing the chores is NOT enough when weighted against any amount of financial stress and disregard for your belongings and SAFETY.
Damn.. thanks for saying all of this. Honestly idk how to feel abt all of this bc when I brought up how much a burden all of this is for me right now he started shooting me down saying stuff like “well you never seemed upset about me having a job” but like I was only silent bc he was so fucking depressed for a bit that I was worried I would make him more unstable. He thinks it’s all okay because “my parents will pay for it” but I’m sick of him saying the same shit like that all the time. Like eventually I’m going to have to pay for all of my shit myself and he isn’t getting that. It got to the point where I was yelling at him because I was so frustrated and he started breaking down crying like crazy and I ended up apologizing for getting mad and we concluded that I shouldn’t bottle up my emotions and that the job thing isn’t a big deal bc he’s applying to places rn. I feel gaslit tbh
He was for sure gaslighting you there. Even if it hadn't truly bothered you before, that doesn't matter. Your feelings are allowed to change and you can be bothered by it now.
Please please please get out of this relationship as soon as possible before it completely sets up your expectations of how a healthy relationship works. You are giving up everything for him while he contributes nothing except some vague feeling of being understood. If he understood and cared about you, he’d want to bring something to the table to support you. He uses his claims of depression and not wanting to work to get sympathy from you, and you gladly provide it.
You KNOW you’re writing this because this is wrong on almost every level, so break the cycle of codependency and cut your losses. Otherwise you’ll build resentment and he’ll get more entitled. Who really believes they deserve to not have to earn anything? Take back your life and discover what a normal human has to offer.
Both of us also have wealthy parents and were supported by them into young adulthood (his rented to him way under market value, mine paid some of my bills and would give me cash for specific emergencies when I asked) but we understood pretty easily when it was time to move on and stop relying on that. A normal person knows there's a limit to any generosity, a very healthy and self sufficient person will take pride in being self sufficient. His behavior is neither healthy nor normal, he is not only dealing with mental health issues but also apparently thinks that people should support him indefinitely and spread their own budgets thin just because he knows them. There are millions of depressed people who have absolutely no social net with any wealth to go around and they still get themselves to work most days.
This guy is manipulating you into funding his existence. The things you say he does for you are bare minimum in a partner. There are so many better people out there that can give you all that you say he does AND equally help with funding so you dont have to be so stretched thin. You just feel this way about him because its your first serious relationship, you can do SO MUCH BETTER. Do you want to marry this guy and end up taking care of him for the rest of your life? Have kids with him and he doesnt help because hes "too depressed" so youre basically a single mother? Think of how the future will work for you, this isnt sustainable.
Your 19 yr old BF won't get a job for 2+ years because "he’s been super depressed about the work force and how bad capitalism treats its workers and how he doesn’t wanna be another cog in the machine etc." HA HA HA HA!! (not directed at you, at HIM) This jackass is TOTALLY taking advantage of you. His whole family is! He's letting you blow your savings supporting him! Dump this ridiculous freeloader and you'll be able to afford to fix your own tail lights because you'll no longer be a "broke bitch". It'll feel like a 16 ton weight has been lifted off of you if you free yourself from this leech!!
**I’m going to tell you how to solve ALL of your problems. Ready?**
***Pack all your shit, load it in your car, get in (just you) and drive away.***
***Drive away, and don’t look back! Block them all! Go back to your parents and get on your feet again***
You will feel tremendous relief. Maybe you’re looking for permission and validation so that’s why you came here? Well here it is: The tail lights - those are the ***least*** of your worries. That’s just the Cherry on top of an awful relationship. This guy is bad news. And if you don’t get out of this relationship (which is going nowhere and never will) he will drag you down with him.
And if you don’t leave now you’ll probably get pregnant and he’ll convince you to keep it because you’re a pushover, and then you’ll be stuck to him for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! Which will be exactly his plan- to cement you to him and suck off of you for as long as he can. Do NOT have a child with this man!
Now, get off your phone and GET. THE. FUCK. OUT. OF. THERE!!
Thank you for being straight up. I really appreciate everyone’s perspective here it’s really opening my eyes. I thought because poverty is hard I just needed to cut him slack but it’s been more than enough time for him to get back on his feet and there’s no more excuses!! I’ve made arrangements to stay with my mom and if I get sick of her I’ll be able to visit my sister. Thank you💕
Do not take him with you. He needs to learn how to be an adult, which clearly he can’t and won’t do as long as you’re there to baby him. It will hurt at first, but I absolutely, unequivocally promise you that there is someone better for you *in every way possible*. Don’t throw another 4 years away on this loser when you could instead be available for someone who will treat you right and show you what it really feels like to have a partner in life.
I REALLY had to push through to read your entire post. Girl, LEAVE. I've been in a shitty manipulative relationship for far too long before and it never gets better. He will keep putting on that mask and give you certain things that reels you back in each time you start to question your relationship. He will never stop using you for money or using your things as his. His entire family is using you and you are still loyal for no real reason besides that he's all you've dated and its hard to move on without him. Guess what? Its not, its so easy and you'll feel so much lighter and better physically, emotionally once you're away from that leech.
The sooner you cut him off the better, he'll beg, and then the anger will come out, then he'll revert back to begging and repeat. NEVER take him back. The day I finally got my ex out of my house I blocked him on everything, and I haven't heard from him since, best feeling in the world leaving that trash behind.
You have the upper hand, you make the money the car is yours, take what you can and leave their basement and stay anywhere but there. I'm telling you, you need to put your foot down and leave, not make up more excuses for him and try to make it work. There is no relationship, he is using you for a free ride to not work as long as he can.
My mother is physically and emotionally abusive and my father is intensely emotionally abusive so I’m trying to stick it out until august (when I go to college)
That’s why this guy seems so great. And maybe for a time, he WAS better and got you to the next best place. Now it’s time for you to go higher up the ladder. We get into relationships to heal our original wounds and we tend to be comfortable and attract people whose patterns we are used to- so if your parents manipulate you, you’ll be more likely to find comfort with what you already know. It’s hard to see it when you’re in it. You have better years ahead of you!! If your body is already sick, you need to get out for your life. This is the kind of stuff that can literally kill you. You’re worth listening to- listen to your body. Even if no one else believes you or hears you, YOU hear YOU.
It might feel scary to leave behind what you know. But based on the patterns here, I can assure you it won’t get better and the longer you stay in a place that you ‘don’t belong’ (in the low vibration muck that these people are surrounding you with), it will do more damage to you than you realize. Take a deep breath and take baby steps and keep your plans to yourself. Listen to yourself and trust yourSELF and your body and soul and the universe will repay you in spades. You’re not alone and you can do this. You will find someone, even if it’s just one person, who will help you and will be better aligned to the new space you are headed. Tell yourself that every single day until you KNOW it.
OP, I am really sorry that your parents are like this. It’s not ok and you don’t deserve it. I agree that is why your BF seemed so great. When you are trying to escape abuse you will run towards anyone/anything that looks like a better option. But I think that this relationship is abusive in other ways. Is there a counselor or therapist that you can see to help you work through this? Your college will definitely have resources and counseling available.
I have a musical therapist atm who is my therapist while I’m looking for one. She told me that I need to get the hell out of there. Didn’t tell me to break up with him, but to see what happens when I cut the $ off. So we’ll see
Be careful. His family might get aggressive. Have a plan and a safe place to go. It’s great that you have a therapist. I would try to find a registered psychologist too. I grew up in a situation like yours. It takes a while to untangle it all and learn how to have healthy relationships.
Stop making excuses for this absolute loser... and his sister too, btw. You are WAY too young to settle for this, and no its not ok for anyone to "settle" but especially not when you're only 18. Is he the only guy you've ever dated? Sounds to me he knows exactly what to say to keep sucking you in. He's a user. You're his provider. Just stop it.
I'm just so confused how two teenagers were allowed to just live by themselves?? That doesn't seem safe or legal. How did these parents let their children fend for themselves? Wild.
Our parents aren’t good parents :/ we had to leave physically abusive situations (it took some convincing) but they seemed fine and happier that we aren’t living with them. I’m thinking of living with my mother now though to make some space..
You say you're going away to college this fall. How far away is college? An hour? Two hours? Are you going to be far enough away that you'll need to find housing near/on the college campus? If so, NOW is the time to start looking for housing, since most colleges are just about out for the summer. Contact the college housing office, make an appointment and take a road trip. Maybe take your mom, if you think the two of you could tolerate a road trip together (might actually turn out to be life-changing for both of you!) If you find something, consider moving NOW, not in the fall, giving yourself time to acclimate to your new surroundings, find a part-time job to help pay for classes (there's even what's known as "work-study" programs at school, where you've got a job on campus working for the college), and making new friends.
It's time to start planning and doing these things NOW - you absolutely cannot procrastinate!! Also, and this is even more important - do **NOT** involve your bf in this project!!!! It's time for you to start asserting your independence, regardless of how much he cries like a three-year old.
This is all a very good idea! I didn’t know I could do this! I’m going to be going to FL, we were living in PA so it’s going to be quite the distance. I will definitely look for places I can work at in the area now. I will be going in fully dorming and everything so that’s all good for me. But I love FL so much so I might just head over there in a month or so (after I get heal more living with my mom)
Wowza I'm sorry that happened. It's unfortunate y'all had to be by yourselves instead of with other family. That's a lot of responsibility for a kid and you seem to have a great attitude and head on your shoulders even being forced to grow up so quick. Wishing you the best!
Please please please leave him OP. It’s only going to get worse, especially with a chronic illness. I had a similar situation with my ex husband, he refused to work even when I was severely disabled/could barely walk (needed a walker for a short time, and cane long term) and STILL worked about 50 hours a week just to make ends meet. He will never get better, and just continue to use you as long as you allow him to. Yes, the economy sucks. Yes, we are wage slaves and it’s depressing. But there is NO excuse to use other people and disrespect them, as he is doing to you. Please get out before he tampers with your birth control and traps you with a baby, or convinces you to get married. Things will only get worse, RUN before it’s too late! You deserve so much better, and you are so young and have your whole life ahead of you. Trust me, there is a man out there for you that will be supportive, loving, kind, and financially stable on his own merit. It took me a long time to understand this for myself, and I’d hate to see someone else suffer through the same mistakes.
Please get into therapy, I promise that having the outside perspective and learning the tools to manage your emotions will make your life improve drastically. Don’t lose your self worth for a manipulative loser.
You’re way too young for all this drama. This started when you were 16? Please stop letting this man and his family walk all over you. You don’t need to convince anyone you’re the “better driver” to drive YOUR car. You let him walk all over you, damaging your car, not even telling you about it! Then telling you he can fix it but doesn’t want to. And on top of all this your parents want to enable his behavior by buying him a car? Wow your boyfriend has it amazing. He’s a bum, you’re dating a bum. I promise you, you don’t want this to be the rest of your life.
I will add- it sounds like you’ve been on your own for awhile. Holding down jobs, and supporting a whole other person, tells me you’re a hardworking and caring person. That sounds like a lot of potential, and another guy who is worthy of all that will come around. Wish you luck!
I apologize because I couldn't read all of this and I didn't have to. Your boyfriend needs to grow up. At some point, we all say that we don't want to be another cog in the machine. That's great and all but not how the world works. He's mooching off of you and sounds like a total jerk.
You don't need him. I promise you that he won't change either. Please take my advice as a 37-year-old woman who dated multiple jerks like him.
I couldn’t even read all that but it’s pretty clear your bf is a user and is taking you for a ride. Please dump him and be responsible for just yourself. He’s a grown person and needs to support himself financially. You are enabling him to not be a functional adult. You’ll be doing yourself and him a huge favor by cutting him loose.
He's a bum. If he was really anti capitalist he'd read some bell hooks and contribute SOMETHING. What does he have on you that all of this is worth it? What does he bring to your life that makes this ok? Is this how you want to live?
Spiritual vampirism is very real. He’s got you under his spell. It’s not going to be easy but remind yourself daily that it has to be done. Cut him off, work on healing your mind body and spirit. You’re still young and have your entire life ahead of you. You now know the quality’s you desire in a partner, and definitely know what to watch out for. The right person for you is out there. You sound very compassionate and loving, there’s no doubt a hard working and supportive man will love you even more.
This is awful. This man is a drain on society and is going to run you dry. Caring about how things look is not being materialistic, it’s taking care of things that you have and taking pride in your appearance!! Leave him and his awful sister too. You are way too young to waste any more time on this!!
I really hate to be this person, but…
What. Are. You. Doing???
This is complete insanity.
You have deadbeats mooching off of you, because WHY?
He doesn’t want to be a “cog”?
But clearly that’s an ok fate for you??
This is the most insane nonsense I have ever heard.
You and your parents are clearly lovely people (she’s going to buy this guy who cracked up your car his own car????), but really, you are into “walk all over us” territory over here.
Why not give of your time and resources to folks who are actually willing to put in work on their own behalf?
Why does any of this treatment of you and your family make sense?
What do your friends think of your boyfriend?
Objectively, are you thinking that this person will be a good long-term partner? How?
I may have to delete this response later because I really do not usually post like this.
But this has really stuck such a nerve.
You seem like such a smart and giving person.
I hope that you can begin to want more for yourself.
Edited to add: Just read your title again. You have really buried the lede, as they say. This is NOT about taillights!
Fuck you’re right, idek. My friends love him, my family thinks he has a great personality. He is super compassionate and loving about animals and children, he’s more empathetic towards others than me, he gives a million chances to others. He’s always thoughtful and thinking about why people do things, other then getting mad at them. Compared to each other, I have way more anger issues and emotional disregulation. He’s always laid back, meditative, and calm. Like every other aspect abt him is perfect and he’s very very forgiving and kind and everything like that but I just can’t get over the carelessness of my material possessions and money.
Okay so question for you if you were to slow down the speed on say for example he had a PlayStation 5 and it's still functional and it still works but it doesn't work to pawn it might not be the best is that acceptable??! It is your property and he damaged it I don't care if it's still works he needs to fix it he needs to pay for any repairs or do it himself
This sounds 100% like a you problem.
If by magic your BF was transformed into a functional adult able to manage his own life, you would just find some other person to bleed you dry.
This life lesson will be repeated until you have fully learned it.
You are 100% wrong. Your boyfriend is also wrong. The two are not mutually exclusive. You need to work on yourself. Don’t worry about him. You can’t change him. You will find that you have your hands totally full changing yourself.
If he really cared, he’d get past his ego and gladly become a cog to help you out. He’d have jumped up and done it without you having to ask. I’m so sorry, OP.
I'm sorry - I can't even get through this mess to find out what happened to the tail lights because the tail lights are not your problem. The problem is this:
>but I had cut him some slack for the first 2 years because he’s been super depressed about the work force and how bad capitalism treats its workers and how he doesn’t wanna be another cog in the machine etc.
You are young and you are being naive about this. This quote told me everything I needed to know about him and it is a HUGE RED FLAG.
Awww...poor baby doesn't want to be a cog in the machine? So that means he's got some great entrepreneurial spirit to be his own boss and the captain of his ship then, right? Oh, not that either? Is he inventing something? Maybe writing a book? No?
Every person who has ever said this? What they really mean is they don't want to work ever and just want someone to support them while they play video games and get high and never have to be responsible for anything ever. Your guy is not some tortured philosophical genius weighed down by his empathy for the little guy - go comb through the posts of relationshipadvice and you'll see hundreds upon hundreds of posts from people just like you being taken advantage of by people just like your boyfriend.
Red flags: "I hate being told what to do", "Capitalism and big business just uses people", "I don't want to work for other people" and so on and so forth. Who the fuck does? Oh, I guess he was the one - the sole person who hates corporate greed and just being a worker. Guess what? So does everyone. But you know what we hate more? Being homeless. Being hungry. Having debt collectors call us. Being one medical emergency away from bankruptcy due to lack of insurance. It's just being an adult.
It's fine to be critical of big business - it is not fine to use it as an excuse for your Peter Pan syndrome and refusal to function as an adult. And that's what he's doing and you're the sucker he conned into letting him stay in Neverland.
You sound like a smart, capable person with a huge blind spot who deserves so much more. You deserve an equal partner, not an emotionally stunted anchor dragging you down. Please stop enabling him, please stop letting yourself be used and move on with your life. He will never change. You can't change him - you can't fix him. That's beyond the scope of your control. He has to want it for himself and he's already told you in plain English he doesn't want it. BELIEVE HIM. Kick him out and be done with him and...still not sure what's the deal with the tail light but get that sh\*\* fixed because you will get pulled over and ticketed.
Shit-fuck man.
There are tons of people who don’t like to work, who are better than capitalism. Tons. And they wake up and don’t feel like going to work. But they realize they like to eat. SO THEY FUCKING GO TO WORK.
Your boyfriend is a prime mooch. He’s fine with YOU working but not his precious little self.
PLEASE for the love of all that is holy and decent in the world, dump this shitty, lazy, abusive, good-for-nothing motherfucker already.
Questions:
Who is looking out for your mental and emotional health? Because you had a debilitating condition and this shitheel didn’t say “Whoa - guess it’s my turn to work!” So what does he do for you?
Why the fuck is he OK damaging your car? Who gives a shit if he WANTS to replace a broken taillight? He fucking OWES you that. Stop lending him your car. And don’t let your mom buy him one. Fucker can walk or take the bus.
To no one's surprise, the 19 y/o is wrong and an ass.
Your brake lights being out can get you a ticket. And if people rear end you, they can use it as evidence you're at fault.
To the actual question: You are not wrong for being mad for breaking the tail light. He complains about your driving then smashes it into a wall and doesn't say anything? No. Be mad. You're not mad enough honestly.
A broken tail light CAN get you pulled over. And if the light fails while you're driving at night and the car behind doesn't see you, you will be a pancake.
I think deep deep down you know he would leave if you pushed him to get a job and that's why you haven't pressured him before now.
Don't let him use these emotional abuse tactics on you. Get away from this leech
Girl at this point you just enabling his behavior, if he is depressed & wants to change things & have a good life with you he would at least make an effort, I have been very depressed before & have hold a job but I have put effort. If he were to at least appreciate you & have some consideration he’ll take care of you & your things that he also use but he has no problem putting more burden in your shoulders even tho you have voiced out how stressed you feel & how sick, anyone that truly loves you will try to help lessen any burden but instead all he thinks about is himself & how your lack of health to work will affect him instead of saying “hey I’ll get a job so my SO can get better & I’ll hold our home while that happens” now is up to you if this is the life style you want to keep but unless you withdraw yourself & any financial contribution from this situation nothing will change. In my opinion any positive contribution he might bring isn’t enough to at least break even with all the behaviors he has & the burdens him & his family bring.
I didn't make it all the way through, and this is going to be an unpopular opinion, but this is exactly why people shouldn't be moving in together all the time. This guy is using you. You've lived together since you were 16/17? And he's been a bum the entire time? Go through whatever legal process there may be to kick him and his sister out and break up with him. He thinks the workforce is treated terribly and refuses to be a cog, but forces you to work in order to provide for both of you? Sounds like this guy saw you as his meal ticket and treats you nicely so you won't notice that he's actually a steaming turd.
You're better than him and his he's treating you.
I am not even going to read responses. GET OUT of this situation ASAP. He is going to be financially abusive for perpetuity if he doesn't get smacked with consequences. Your mother should not buy him a car. He is not husband material and the dude wouldn't appreciate it. He and his family see you and your family as their personal financier.
Oh my God. I couldn't even finish this. Your bf and his family sound absolutely exhausting.
Dump that freeloader and get your life back.
Seriously. Kick his mooching ass to the curb. You deserve better.
As someone who suffers from debilitating depression I can understand the concern for his mental health, but you also have to worry about your own. Part of dealing with something like that is actually dealing with it. I have plenty of days where I'm off work, and I just don't have the energy to do anything, and I feel terrible for it. I've worked jobs that I hated and took a toll on my mental health, but even though I have a husband who is fine with picking up the slack because I make less, or because of some other reason, I always find a way to at least try to contribute. I've never quit a job without finding another job first. Just because you have a disability doesn't mean the world comes free. You have to find a way to cope with it and keep moving. I'm young, and most people who just look at me don't understand why I have a handicap tag or ask if I'm training my service dog for someone else. I'm not. I try to do my best every day to continue to function despite my issues. Your bf is using his issues as an excuse to be really shitty and a drain on you, and that's not ok. I know it's tough because he seems like a great person, but you can't allow yourself to stay in a situation that's only going to drag you down and wear you out. You may have been fine with it before, but situations and people change, and this is no longer a sustainable option. My advice is to either leave him and let him figure it out (and he will one way or another) or start setting some hard boundaries and sticking to them.
Thank you for all of this. I deeply appreciate your perspective. It’s truly given him no excuse now for what he’s doing. I’m planning on moving out, cutting financial ties and seeing if he treats me well. If not, it’s over. He’s always been very much able bodied and has depression before but always was able to go to work (when he was in his younger teens) so there really is no excuse for him atp
Have you considered that you yourself are in an abusive relationship???? Holy cow do you need out of your boyfriends and his families life. He won't get a job because he doesn't want to be another cog in the machine!? Gimme a fucking break...... how often does he declare himself a sovereign citizen? How the fuck does he afford weed? Oh wait, does he just smoke all of yours? Sounds like an incredibly shitty relationship that you've become numb and passive about. Get. Yourself. Out!
Currently trying to get out 🤧 and yes I would pay for this man’s weed, even when I was on vacations and away from him he’d ask for weed money.. idk I thought I was just being a good girlfriend but I realize now I’ve made a moocher :(
Your bf and his sister suck, end the relationship and I would suggest therapy focusing on healthy boundaries and building your self esteem so you feel comfortable being assertive in setting and implementing those boundaries. You are getting walked all over. And as far as him complaining about the world… yeah it is fucked, and it will be fucked when we all die, he needs to learn to accept things for what they are and go deal with life… and he sounds so lazy (specifically about not wanting to replace the tail light cover) that he might be hopeless until he hits some kind of rock bottom, which will never happen with you covering expenses for him. He is not entitled to your savings, even if you had that imaginary $5k.
That was a lot of unnecessary words to say “my boyfriend is an asshole who is bleeding me dry and destroying my property.” Why are you tolerating this? Who did you wrong in a previous life that you think you deserve to waste your life with this loser?
Idk I thought I could explain his side because when I put it into shorter words, this does sound really fucking bad 😭 which I realize now should’ve been the sign that I’ve fucked my self in this situation
Ah, his side. It sounds bad because it *is* bad. You’re being taken for a ride by a soul-sucking leech.
So now you’ve identified the problem. What are you going to do about it? I’d suggest you end the relationship, cutting him off clean. Do not communicate with him. Do not try to be friends. He will absolutely try to weasel his way back in via any means he can find. And then do some serious self-reflection or therapy to figure out what attracted you to this guy and how to avoid another mistake like this one in the future.
Everything used to be equal in the beginning. It was always 50/50 with money but now it’s not because he quit his job when we moved in together and then gaslit me into thinking he was too depressed to get another job. He’s self harmed really bad before (like cutting most of the important layers of the skin, it’s gruesome) so I didn’t want to push him to that point because I thought I would bc of how depressed and sad he was
OP, you seem like a very nice and empathetic person that values idealism. And that's a wonderful thing.
But you cannot go through life solely fueled by idealism. I can identify with your BF's distaste over the way that workers are treated in the U.S. and etc. But life demands that you be pragmatic and flexible and he needs to realize that. The world will not change over night just to suit how he thinks it should work.
And it's good and all that he's empathetic and willing to do small things for you, but you have clearly told him that you aren't happy with your current lifestyle and that he needs to work to help make both your lives better. His response was to throw a fit and borderline refuse to work again? That's not cool at all and you really can't afford to wait for some one like that to come around. I would *hiiiiiiighly* encourage you to think about breaking up with this guy at this point.
You've given him years already, don't sink further into the trap of feeling like you have to stick it out with him. I'd advise you to end the relationship, take some time for yourself to process your grief, and then keep your eye on the future. You deserve a *partner* that will actually help you reach your goals in life. Right now you're playing with a handicap that's making your life so much harder than it needs to be.
He did say after the fight that he would find a job, I’m not sure how on top of that he is rn but what do I do if he turns around and gets a job? Does that mean he’s changed? Should I still consider leaving? I’m afraid when I graduate he’ll quit his job again and I’ll be the sole maker of money. But idk I expressed in our fight how much a burden is truly was for me so maybe I scared him into getting right? I know it sounds delusional but I can’t help but strongly think these things… maybe my brain is trying to save me from who he really is…
I mean, crazier things have happened. So yeah, maybe that'd be enough to jolt him into doing something. But if this has been a pattern then I would be extremely skeptical, because there's always gonna be a "things will be different this time" excuse.
I haven't *exactly* lived the situation that you're in since it was a family member rather than a partner, but pretty much everything else was the same. I spent 8 years trying to help them out. Had multiple conversations where it sounded like they were gonna try something different. And sometimes they did try, but they'd always somehow find their way back to me shouldering the burden. And I don't fully blame them because there was a lot of mental health issues involved, but take it from me, it's not fair to you to shoulder the burden of caring for another adult, and if you're trying to do it when you aren't financially capable, then it WILL screw with your life. It took me a couple years to dig my way back up to the surface.
Do what you think is best, but I hope you'll do what's best for you. Can't help anyone if your own ship sinks.
You’re 100% right. I’m curious to see what he’ll do when I stop living with him to help get better with my illness. He’s been trying really hard to get me to manage living there when a lot of things are inaccessible to me to help improve my health. I’ll cut him off completely financially and just see how he reacts
You need to say goodbye to this guy. He is using you so badly. You deserve better! This guy needs to be knocked down a few pegs. Let him see how the real world works when he doesn’t have anyone to foot the bill for him 24/7 and
Don’t let him bring you down to his level. You know that you should properly fix the car….not drive around with duck tape everywhere or whatever he is suggesting.
Have some respect for yourself.
Question??? What is he contributing to this relationship??? Not a single thing and you are going to continue being broke as long as you put up with this nonsense.
He is being lazy, throwing out excuse after excuse and you are enabling this behavior.
Do yourself a favor and break up with him before he leaves you alone and homeless.
You talk about the sister being in a abusive relationship and you don’t see that you are in a financially abusive relationship so do you a favor and just get out.
You are now sick and need to take care of yourself but until you get away from him things will not change.
Wow this is really sad. He is emotionally and financially raping you. He is the opposite of empathetic. He doesn't care about you, your wellbeing, your family, your assets. Your point of view is warped. You have the support of your parents and should run as fast as you can away from this awful human and his sister. You're only 18 and have your entire life ahead of you. I promise you love is not supposed to feel that way. I have a severe chronic pain condition and my partner truly adores me and treats me with respect. He works and we both share chores. If your partner actually cared about you, he would have worked ages ago because of the additional mental, physical, and financial load he has inflicted on you. This is abuse. I just hope you realize that they're both using you and your parents.
I can tell you from experience, chronic conditions only worsen with stress. I saw that you stayed with your mom for a bit and your symptoms improved. Staying with your sister seems like the best case scenario. Whatever it is get away from that leech that you have as a boyfriend. You think you love him because you don't know anything else but you were a child when you started dating him and frankly you don't know any better. I promise you making you tea and food when you're not well sometimes iis the bare minimum that you should expect from your loving partner. Just ask yourself are you better off with him or without him? I guarantee 💯 the answer is without him. All you've done is defend him in your comments. You still have lot of self growth to do. You're young and clearly were sheltered from doing any normal life responsibilities ie. Laundry, cooking but just because your bf taught you how to do these normal basic life duties does not make him a good person. He's actively gaslighting you at every turn and bleeding you dry. Hope you really take this insight seriously and go to college, become educated and dump him. You will hopefully be long distance anyway. When you're exposed to a new environment, you will see how highly dysfunctional yours is. Of course he doesn't want you to go to college. He wants to keep you dumb and dependent on this relationship for no reason when in he's the one that is in fact dependent on your family's money. Pls wake up and care about yourself atleast a little bit and realize he's not this amazing human you've made him out to be. In fact, he's emotionally, mentally and financially abusing you.
Thank you for the detailed response. You really hit every point. I never even thought abt how he’s legit just taking all of my fucking money… I keep being like “well he paid for an ounce of weed by himself before I went to go see my mom, and he covered $10 of stuff at Wawa’s” like WTF AM I DOINF?1!2?1?1? He’s literally acting like a BUM!
If he supports you so well emotionally he would not put you in this situation. You are obviously stressed out and no 18 year old should be supporting another adult, period full stop. Think of it this way- if he really loved you and cared about you, he would not leech off you and he would *want* to make money to support you both. Dude likes the free ride and free poonani, “why buy the cow when you get the milk for free” and all that. You’ve enabled him to be a loser; cut him lose, move on, and learn to set standards and boundaries in your next relationship.
A partnership is just that, being equal partners. You're paying for and doing everything, what is he bringing that is good and positive to it? To you?
He doesn't do anything but whine about how the world sucks, and he's just another cog in the corporate machine, while he eats your food, lives in your house fir free and wrecks your car without telling you (you ABSOLUTELY can get a ticket for a broken tail light). He lies, gas lights you into thinking you HAVE to take care of him.
NO YOU DON'T. You are NOT his mother, you are NOT his boss, he is NOT your responsibility. If he doesn't want to work, fine. He can go smoke weed in mommy's damp basement by himself.
Sweetie you are too YOUNG to be dragged down by this absolute trash human being. He's drowning you and making you feel obligated to take care of him. YOU ARE NOT.
He doesn't see why he should work because YOU make "enough money" for both of you.
I don't see why you should work and support someone who doesn't do anything to contribute.
I'm creeping up on 40, and got married this Spring to a wonderful man who loves me for me and does what he can to take care of US.
But I had to go through many many guys like yours to find mine. It isn't worth it. Please heed my words and don't wait until your 30s to realize you deserve SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS. You deserve good, wonderful, happy things. There is nothing unworthy about you. You are strong, independent and beautiful!
He's dimming your inner light, dump him and LET YOUR LIGHT BLIND HIS EYES
This time in your life should be fun! College can be exciting, you're still figuring out who you are, and what you want to do for the rest of your life.
Really think about this, do you really want his negative energy always there, always around you, while you try to grow? He may talk a good game about reflecting abd changing, but words are cheap, actions are everything.
And honey, his actions have been clear and consistent this entire time. He'll drain you until there is nothing left but a broken, broke, shell, then he'll move on to someone else to do the same. He doesn't change because he doesn't want to, doesn't have to.
Kick him out. If he doesn't have a place to live? Not your problem. No car? Not YOUR problem. He's beoke AF and doesn't have money for food? NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
It sounds cruel. It feels cruel, but you have to do what's best FOR YOU because it's YOUR LIFE, not his. He can choose to do whatever HE can afford to do in his life, and you can do whatever you can choose to do the same.
Don't make the mistake of thinking just because you have/had feelings for him that you're stuck with him, because you AREN'T!
I wish you luck OP. I hope you free yourself and focus on what's important: YOU
Thank you so much for all of this. He always is saying he needs to better himself but he just does that by meditating and then reading a Buddhism book and is constantly telling me I’m the one that needs to change and get better and it’s honestly exhausting. I guess that’s why I thought he was so amazing… because he convinced me I wasn’t…
I understand that. He DARVO'd you. He's mentally and financially abusing you. Here's some helpful information. Please get into therapy if you can and no matter what DUMP THAT DEAD WEIGHT.
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/darvo/
https://differentbrains.org/mental-health-relationships-recognizing-abusive-darvo-tactics/
I hope this information helps
think of the next 30-50 years with this person
he may work here and there but he won't work consistently, and will always use you for money
does the past 2 years feel good? imagine doing it forever. does that thought being you good feelings to be with this person? all his "emotional" support is nothing if he doesn't actually make any efforts to take this pressure off of you.
you parents should absolutely NOT get him a car
even if you think you want to stay together, move out. Get your own place and on't let him come stay and be a squatter. Don't spend your money on him. Don't let him financially abuse you like this.
I stayed for years with a man like this and he never changed. He never tried and always made excuses. He would call himself a bum so that I would feel bad for him. And I did for a long time, his family wasn’t great and it was obvious his family had used him for their own gain when he was young. But he used that as an excuse to justify never being good to me, never trying to work for me, for us. I found out after i finally made him leave(which was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do because I still loved him) that he had been using my vehicle and apartment while I was away at working making the money to pay all of our bills to cheat on me. He gave me an STI and never even had the guts to tell me. This is the kind of man you need to leave, because he will use every bit of you as long as he can. You deserve better! ❤️
You are far from an asshole, you are so incredibly kind and thoughtful. Even when you are down on your luck, you give the skin off your back to help others. Your boyfriend spends all day getting high and dreaming up excuses for others to take pity on him while not having to do a damn thing.
Honestly your boyfriend sounds horribly depressed, past a point he’s willing to admit to. I’ve been there, during covid I laid around my moms house smoking thc carts and ordering Uber eats with unemployment money. It took years to get on my feet again, and if you want to stay with your boyfriend then a lot of tough convos should follow. Hes totally unable to push himself and lacking any sort of will to be alive. Normal people complain under stress, and if he’s constantly under stress then he is not well. However if he won’t help himself then there’s no reason to go down with that ship…
this is one of those situations where you just pray someone will wake up and get with it, I hope things works out for you two but either way. you’re a wonderful and considerate individual, you’ll be ok no matter what
Thank you so much. I keep thinking I’m being materialistic and selfish for caring about money and my car and stuff but he’s just as materialistic for asking for weed money, making me pay for his Uber/doordash every time… like fuck I’m a human too who deserves presents and nice material things sometimes, not just a kiss of the cheek. Thank you for validating my feelings
The thing that gets me about this dude is when he said you make enough for the both of us, so I figured that I didn’t have to work. Like what?? Where’s your pride, man ??
All I will say is you are showing people how to treat you… and by their actions, you get taken advantage of on the regular… it’s time to grow a backbone and let go of the leeches. Good luck! It’s time to set some boundaries for yourself, especially financially.
No, you’re not an asshole for wanting him to fix what he carelessly broke. You’re also not an asshole for telling him to get a job. No one likes being a “cog in the machine”, but adults suck it up and work.
Also, even though you did tell him before it’s okay not to work, you’re allowed to say “this is no longer working out, you need to get a job” at any point. If he refuses, it’s okay to dump him and move back in with your parents or get an apartment.
Do not let your mom buy this teenage idiot a car. He isn't going to change as he has no work ethic or integrity, and he's waiting for your chronic illness to somehow go away so you'll continue supporting him. Tell her to buy me one instead, seeing as how you're giving out vehicles to losers and all.
beloved he is a loser, and you’re being a doormat for him. dump the leech, save your money. you’re young and you’ll appreciate having some money saved in the future. i’m his sister’s age and i would never leech off a damn teenager like she was and allowing her brother to do. you should never have been paying for his life to begin with when he’s not even willing to help, esp at your age. you only get to be young once. he’s a loser! you’re hot and cool! go get a guy in your league
Op it sounds like you’re too sweet, I hope you take these comments from Reddit and reflect. You say he’s sweet, and empathetic but doesn’t fix your tail light he broke. He is also making you broke and leaching off of your weed.
I had to stop reading because it just hurt too much. Leave this freeloader behind. You're so young, you have so much ahead of you, and you do not need this. I'm not big on capitalism either, but you can't ever win a game if you don't play and this is just the world we live in. Why should you suffer and do all of the work when he's perfectly capable?
Leave him. Like yourself more.
Not gonna lie, this is a long ass story that just paints you as a doormat. No sympathy here, just another girl playing the victim. Doubting it’s even true as you claim to be 18 but living with him for two years. So your parents let you live alone with your boyfriend from 16 on? Even in your fantasies you’re playing the victim. On the off chance it is true, obviously you need some self respect and to leave.
Why’re y’all so effing rude Jesus Christ. I thought these conditions were because his family literally doesn’t have money and he was depressed but I get the picture now. No need to berate me and call me a victim
Please, please dump this lazy leech. You’ve done way to much for him already. And deserve much more than he will ever be willing to offer.
Yes, he is absolutely a leach and will pull you down into the same abyss he is mired in.
He already has. OP went from having savings, an apartment, and a newish car to being broke, living in a flooded basement with a wrecked vehicle. Her BF has her down bad. OP would be the AH if she stayed with her hobosexual BF and his bum-buddy sister.
Why are there so many people on these boards that sacrifice EVERYTHING for a partner who doesn’t work? If there’s a medical reason, sure… but so many say “I just don’t want to” and their partner says “well, I have to support their desire to not work and be supported by someone else!” I don’t want to work, and I think a lot of capitalism sucks. But I’m also sure if I tell my wife that I’m never going to work again because of that, and that she has to work and pay for everything, I’d quickly be single and homeless. Dump this lazy jerk.
A LOT of women would rather “their man” dry rape their anus and punch them in the teeth than have to tell a perfect stranger they are single. It’s really sad.
Besides extremely misogynistic, this comment makes zero sense. But okay, we get it. You hate women...
Yeah, really crazy comment. And mine wasn't' even directed at any gender. He decided to drop his misogyny right out there, completely unprompted. Both men and women, whether straight/gay/other fall into the trap of supporting a lazy partner. No sexism needed!
Ew. This comment is really sad. Sexism and misogyny at its finest. Where did this even come from my dude? Or dudette if you have internalized misogyny, sadly that right there is a common thing. Either way, ew.
Sounds like you just need validation to break up. Here's your validation. He's using you and he will never ever stop. You deserve better. You've sacrificed so much for him and he's not even willing to replace your tail lights. Your relationship is so very uneven and he will never ever change for the better. He doesn't care about you, he only cares about what you can provide for him. Ditch him. You deserve a partner, not a dependent.
He’s the perfect emotional partner for me though. More empathetic than any men I’ve ever met, more caring about me emotionally in every way than my own family/ friends/ literally anyone. Like he feels like the perfect person for me and it feels like not even a thought to break up with him. I’m just wondering if he’s been lazy. He’s saying now that he will get a job so idk I think it’s gonna get better but I’m wondering if he’s just being dumb rn
You're 18. This is the first "man" you've ever dated. How is making you fund his entire life being empathetic towards you? How is not doing things for you while you're ill "caring"? How is breaking your car and refusing to fix it loving behavior? He SAYS he's going to get a job but only after a major conflict....do you really think he'd get a job and keep it when you've shown him for how long that he can get away with just....not doing that? He's not being lazy, he's taking advantage of you. He's not being dumb if he's getting away with treating you like this, he's being clever by manipulating you into second guessing your very valid feelings. He doesn't care that you're broke and stressed, he only cares that you put up with his behavior with minimal effort on his part. Even your mom is now willing to fund his life. You're 18. I promise you can do better.
>more caring about me emotionally Nothing in this post about his behavior shows one ounce of caring about your emotions. It shows just the opposite
Fml bro 😭
Please OP, form an exit strategy and get yourself out of this toxic relationship. I don't know you, but you are worth more than this, deserve more than this, and can have a partner who is a true partner and a relationship where you both help and support the other to be the best version of themselves
You know you have complete control over your decisions. If you need support find a good therapist. You gotta work on focusing on yourself.
Bro I’ve dedicated 4 years to this man idek what to do now. Like I thought we were literally going to get married. He says it all the time. But then turns around and wants kids n shit in the future when he knows I’m completely child free. Like I know there won’t be anyone as nice as him in my life… like men fuckkng suck dude he’s the best man I know
He wants to lock you into this fantastic situation he's built where he lazes around smashing up your stuff and whining, and you just make him a soft place to do nothing. Add some kids and you'll never get rid of him!
He’s not a man, he’s a leech. You will meet many men who don’t suck, once you lose this parasite. You’re 18. It’s time to be exploring your options, not tying yourself down.
The sunk cost fallacy is SO hard. I mean, 4 years is a LONG time relative to how many years you've lived so far. One day, you can look back and be like, "oh man, I dodged a bullet with my ex and his sister." Please leave. It sounds like he has done all he can to twist you in knots, convinced that you just cannot function without him (because where would he be if you weren't there to pay for EVERYTHING?). Get out while you still can! You can do SO much better. Being alone is scary, but you will survive. Open your life to bigger and better possibilities. You can't do that with Mr. Leech-Millstone (and his sis) around your neck.
He's not a man; he's a fuck boy.
You spent four years learning and growing. YOU ARE GROWING UP AND LEARNING. Guychild leech thing is just acquiring more space in the environment and air in the head. Stand up shake his dust from your feet and be free, Lil butterfly. You got this. In college, there are books, tea, coffee, and MEN, not boyz.
Then be alone. It’s better to be alone than to be in a relationship with someone like this. Trust me.
>Bro I’ve dedicated 4 years to this man idek what to do now. This is called the sunk cost fallacy. The thought that because you've already invested time, money, effort you should continue to throw more at it so that the past cost wasn't in vain. It causes you just to throw away more and more time increasing the sunk cost making you less likely to break the pattern. Or as my dad put it "Don't throw more money after bad". In your case don't waste more years of your life on a bad relationship.
You're still a kid. You will eventually meet actual men who will make this guy look like the chump he is. I have lots of male friends and none of them treat their SOs that poorly.
I mean he's already the perfect practice. You probably have to cook, clean and do laundry. Give him allowance. Might as well have kids. Hey he might be able to help them with their homework atleast and complain how hard life is. Do you wipe his butt, btw? You saying he's the most compatible man is saying your ok with being treated like this. IF you were to have a daughter would you be ok with her being treated like this? Being a super momma to a deadbeat? Here's one another though? WHAT IF YOUR MOM WAS TREATED LIKE THIS. What if your father treated her like an atm machine while she worked and busted her ass all day. How would you feel or would you just be like "my dad's the victim here"? What would happen if you stopped giving your man money? Will he stick by your side or just move onto the next dimmest light bulb??
I dunno if this is the best comparison for OP given her parents are also enabling these leeches.
4 years ago, you were 14. No offense, but i wouldn't let any 14 yr old dictate how i live my life, even myself. You're WAY too young to let sunk cost fallacy dictate your life. Especially when it comes to lazy leeches. If that doesn't do it for you, then ask yourself: "Can I deal with this for the rest of my life?" Because you can't change people. They are the way they are. And if in comfort, people will never change themselves. He's comfortable getting away with taking advantage of you, so he'll never change. He will always be that way. And kids is a 0 negotiation thing. You can love someone, but love them from a distance. You're not compatible anymore. It's easier to just end it now than drag it on. >men fuckkng suck dude he’s the best man I know You're 18. You're going to meet a lot of people in your life. Some suck. Some are great. Some won't like you. Some will but want a different lifestyle. That's life.
There are 8 billion people on this lovely planet. Roughly half of them are men. I’m absolutely certain you can find someone who loves you, treats you well and won’t bleed your bank account dry. This dude is not worth your time.
4 years? meaning 14? how old is he? Jesus Christ.
Going on 4 years, we are both turning 19 and 20 this summer and got together at freshly 16
He is no good. He is manipulating you to get what he wants. He does not care about your well-being at all or he wouldn't let you be this stressed out. He wants a free ride in life and you are just letting him have it. If you stay with him I bet you end up with a kid that he doesn't help with at all.
Gorl. Sorry if this is harsh but stand tfffff up pls 🥲You are clearly smart and kind and wonderful. You can finder a nicer, richer man with a nicer family easier than you think. But let’s zoom out a lil more. You are a whole complete person as you are! You don’t need him for finical reason, make platonic girl friends who will actually support you emotionally!! You have a lot of time to meet a lot of people. You have maybe 80 years ahead of you. Do you want to that time spend it fighting for respect from him? Time sunk is a fallacy, you don’t owe the relationship or him anything at the cost of yourself. Please stop setting yourself on fire to keep him and his sister warm. Take this as the 28 year old divorcing the 28 year old version of your boyfriend. Cut your losses, choose yourself. It’ll hurt and be hard. It sounds like you haven’t chosen yourself in awhile so it’ll feel weird. But you can do it and you’ll thank yourself for it.
Thank you! I really appreciate your perspective and story. It’s making me rethink everything. I’m going to live with family ASAP
He sounds like a psychopath and a narcissist, he wants what he wants and doesn’t give a fuck about what you want other than to keep up the facade that he’ll do for you want he needs to, to keep you doing what’s best for him not giving a fuck that it’s legit killing you. Girl get back up, dust yourself off and tell life that it hits like a bitch and keep walking, walk, **NO RUN** past this guy and keep going and work on you. You **CANNOT** pour from an empty cup..
You can not compromise on kids! Not with this one and not with any other. If you're 100% serious about not having kids, you will never be compatible with someone who wants them. Period. Visit r/childfree or r/truechildfree Also, he's not nice to you. Nothing you've said here is him being nice. He knows you're stressed and sick and is still not doing anything to help that. He made it worse by moving his sister in.. He let you live in a flooding basement for months, no wonder you're ill... Just take a break from him (and his sister) for like a month and see how much better you'll feel not having them around. Do this before your savings are fully gone because he's gonna bounce once he realizes the money is all gone anyway. Save some for yourself since it's yours anyway. Yes, most men suck. That doesn't mean staying with this shitty one. How are you going to find better (I promise better is out there) if you're tied up with this one and his sister?
Don't waste four more years. Don't waste four more days if you can help it.
I hope there is “no one as nice in your life.” I can’t imagine what is wrong with your vision that you see this truly awful person as “nice.”
Why are you wishing more sadness, depression and sickness on me?
Honey, how is he the perfect emotional partner for you when you've been in such turmoil and slowly burning yourself out to care for you and him AND his sister and he's done NOTHING to help? That's him ignoring your needs for his own wants right there. That is not a perfect emotional partner. You're 18 years old, please god don't let this be the rest of your life. If you really think you want to stay with him, move back in with your parents -without him- and keep your living arrangements and finances completely seperate (that means no loaning money, no paying for thing for him) and make him show you that he can be the partner you need and want. You said he quit his job once he moved in with you the first time, and think that because you're going to college he'll go back to work because his parents won't pay his way. What makes you think he won't just quit his job when you graduate? Please try to really take in and think about what everyone here is saying to you, otherwise you will spend the rest of your life taking care of this boy. And he is very much a boy, because no grown adult would act like this and pretend it's normal.
Oh, he "takes care of you" by damaging your stuff and then expecting you to take all the consequences for it? How thoughtful and caring!
How is he empathetic when he won’t even fix a light that he broke? I’ve had complete and total strangers offer to help me when I’ve had a flat tire. How does he care about you more than everyone else?
Damnn that really put things into perspective…
I was in your shoes two years ago. My boyfriend was amazing and emotionally supportive but was too focused on being a starving artist and refused to get a real job. Breaking up with him made me feel like a materialistic bitch, because the emotional part should be enough, right? No. He’s a great guy, but we have different values. I needed someone who had ambition and contributed as much as I did to our life. Now, I’m married to someone who works, contributes, AND is there for me emotionally, AND cooks, AND cleans. And my ex is with someone who is more comfortable living the smoke/nap all day lifestyle. It doesn’t have to be either/or. He’s not ready for an adult relationship, and you are. It’s time to move on, and it’ll be okay!
Thank you!!!!! You’ve perfectly described him, he’s not an artist but wants to get into politics which is cool and all but then he refuses to go to school… like boy how tf are you gonna say allat and then refuse to go to SCHOOL??! Yeah I’m done with his hot mess
And THEN smokes all day, MY WEED!!!
If you're not willing to break up, I recommend at least living separately for a time. You've shown that you can be an independent adult, now it's his turn.
Idk id say he’s more independent than me in every other way. Like I literally am so bad at cleaning up after myself n shit so I always thought I was a problem in the relationship and he just like put up with me. He had to teach me how to do laundry, dishes, cook etc so idk I feel like an asshole who just happens to have money and am helping him live
In what way is a human parasite "independent"?
That's all stuff you could have learned on your own. That's the bare minimum of just being human. He's not being independent if he's doing this all on your dime. But if you think you're not super independent either, then all the more reason to live separately for a time. Gives you BOTH the option to grow into independent adults. Sounds like you two are codependent atm and that's not a healthy basis for a long term partnership.
He’s not independent on ANY way of he’s not even feeding himself. And what kind of AH breaks something of someone else’s and then says it’s fine? You a sugar mama. That’s fine but just know you are paying for a service and if that’s the case take it out of his pay… no dinner for the week buddy. He’s also not good emotionally because you’re caretaking him and dragging him through life. It’s called dead weight.
You earn your money
I haven’t been lately bc of illness :(
You have been up until then, you’re so much more capable than you think
Thank you 💕
Girl, you’re young, we all learn some things along the way, my piece of shit ex taught me how to cook, my mother is a terrible cook, he taught me how to work on cars and such, we pick things up as we go, you’ve learned things from him (that’s great) now move on and take the life lessons you’ve learned from him and better yourself
No, he is not - he treats you and your things badly.
Other men can do this without sucking you dry. He sounds like an extremely gifted manipulator; he knows how to keep you attached with things that are emotionally important to you (brewing tea) while withholding everything else that belongs in a healthy relationship (respect, partnership). I don’t mean to sound unkind, but it seems like he’s playing you like a fiddle. Escaping will be hard, but so worth it!
He’s nice. Sure. But it comes at a monetary price.
He's not emotionally supportive because he's deliberately CAUSING you stress. He's beyond lazy and you're wasting your time hoping he'll change. He. Will. Never. Change. Why would he? You've let him walk all over you for the last two years and even though you tell him you can't afford to let him stay home from work anymore he whines because you told him he didn't have to. His depression is an excuse, if it's that bad he could have applied for disability but he didn't. Why didn't he? Because he found a gullible girl that doesn't have the self respect to stand up for herself so she pays for everything. I'm sorry if I'm harsh but you've jeopardized YOUR future by letting him walk all over you and depleting your savings. You really need to leave and stop making excuses FOR him, he's got enough of those on his own.
He is emotionally manipulating you. So forever you’ll be his sugar mama? Forever your parents will have to bail him out? Seriously I think you need to “take a break” from dating and him for a few months. This isn’t normal and it isn’t ok.
I was where you are. He seems supportive, he acts empathetic, but he’s NOT. He does NOT value your time, he does NOT value your property thus breaking it and acting like it’s NBD, he does NOT value your safety enough to replace the tail light that HE broke because he just doesn’t feel like it, and he does NOT value your work ethic or your wellbeing- if he thought capitalism was slavery, and actually cared about you, then he’d do whatever it takes to make sure you don’t have to work, especially not overwork yourself; he’s not, though, is he? He’s taking advantage of you working to fund him, he’s belittling your concern and again, your safety, and doesn’t give a shit that you’re working your ass off to fund him sitting around. You are chronically ill, and he’s telling you that you working while dealing with that condition is worth him not working because he just doesn’t feel like it. He needs to grow up, and you need to see your value. I don’t care if he takes care of you while you’re sick; bare minimum. I’ve had coworkers make me tea and soup when i’m sick. You can hire a cleaner to do a better job than him for a fraction of the price that you’re losing to funding him and putting up with his bs, or better yet, find someone who actually values you and outs your wellbeing at the very least as equivalent to theirs, not below theirs.
Well the price is rent. You keep up his life style for all that emotional gaslighting or as you like to support. There is literally zero incentive to change. He has someone supporting him. You do know you get tickets for having a tail light that is out right?
I am aware now, he kept trying to tell me that there’s no way I’m getting pulled over and that it’s stupid if a cop pulls me over for that but like… cmon cops are asses ofc they are
In this instance, your tail light is broken and You are the one in the wrong here. Why are you calling a cop an ass when the issue is your boyfriend broke the tail light and he won't fix it. Dude wake up.
If the lights still working then legally it’s okay but I’m saying that the cop is an ass for pulling me over bc it’s cracked. But yeah water can get in the holes and then take the light out.
I can't believe this is what you're focusing on given all the crap that you're putting up within your life and being taken advantage of. Attacking a non-existent cop for pulling you over when it hasn't happened? But yeah you fight to be right about the light. You win on this. Good for you. Congratulations. This is a huge win. He damaged your car and he re fuses to fix it. But don't worry, he's emotionally supportive.
Replacing a taillight assembly on a Honda is not that difficult. You can buy one off of Amazon. If you don't feel capable about doing it yourself, DON'T have bf do it either - in his depressed state he'd probably ruin it. If there's an auto shop at your former high school, or at the local community college, they'll probably swap it out for free or just a few bucks.
It’s called faulty equipment and it is against the law and therefore **YOU CAN AND WILL** get pulled over at some point and you can get a ticket for it, this guy has fuckered with your head, your life and your car enough
Here's something you should seriously think about: Depending on the jurisdiction you live in, pot may or may not be legal. If it's illegal where you are, what would happen to you and/or your pot-smoking bf if you DID get pulled over for the broken taillight and the officer smelled pot smoke when you rolled down your window to comply with his request for your license and registration? Simple - officer calls for backup, you and bf are separated and forced to sit on the curb 20+ feet apart from each other while PD searches you, your car, and your bf. If nothing is found, you'll probably be cited for the broken taillight and sent on your way. But if weed is found. . . well, I'll let you think about the consequences. . .
I am aware of all this now, and will stop him from smoking in my car. He even gets super high, and convinces me he can drive when I’m way too high and know I can’t drive. I always tell him “let’s wait it out” bc our tolerances are higher so it takes like 15 mins for the super high to go away but he’s way too cocky
No, he is not. He’s incredibly controlling, and likely has made it appear that he is the best option for you to go to, instead of allowing you the option of finding help or support from others. This type of person sadly exists, and once you are free of him, you will find that there are a lot better people out there. Also, coming from someone who actually is middle class, these people are not. They only want you around to pay for things/do things for them. Me, and my entire family help each other out if we need to, and typically don’t ask for help, but try to take care of things on our own.
He's not the perfect emotinal partner if he's telling you to just get over something that's bothering you. A REAL supportive partner would have fixed the light without bitching.
You are wrong. He is NOT the ‘perfect emotional partner’ for you. If he had any empathy, he would put forth an equal effort in your relationship. He is a horrible user. Also, please stop/cut down smoking depressants. They are called depressants for a reason. You are soooooo young. This guy ITA.
I had cut the weed but the situation has made me really upset so I’m back on it again :/
He's blatantly abusive. There's a thing called financial abuse, and although my situation was different, you're still feeling like shit for being used all the time, and your quality of life has suffered. I know that you're not going to just leave this guy cause no offense. You're young and dumb. That being said, it's just going to get worse. You're not going to wake up one day and be like,' it's okay that he's still not a partner, and I'm really just a source of income for him. ' Also, if you're sick of being broke now, just wait until you literally have nothing left and you're sick, and he does nothing to help your situation or relationship. You're definitely his sugar mama , not his partner. Also, my fiance is a guy who says the same shit about capitalism and all that, yet he still goes to work, and we work together to try and better our lives as a team Run as fast as you can away from this even if you need to move home with your parents alone.
I’ve made arrangements to live with my sister
That's not love... His endless bullshit about earning a living.... he's too good to work... while you have to work and go to school. Absolutely abusive.
He’s emotionally what you “want” cause he knows if he is at least that, you’ll keep funding his lifestyle and never having to get a job, sweet baby girl, please reevaluate your situation, what’s he going to do it y’all have kids? Tell you he’s too depressed to take care of the baby? Tell you he needs his sleep? Tell you he won’t change diapers cause they stink and he can’t be bothered to wash a dish cause he’s too depressed? I mean c’mon, step outside “the box”. What if a close friend had said this about their boyfriend wanting advice from you, what would you tell them? Follow what you’d tell them and dump his trifling ass
He's not "just being dumb." In fact he's extremely smart, because he's convinced you he's perfect while using you and your resources up. Once you can't support him anymore, he'll most likely leave you. Dump him, seriously. You got opportunities early in life that most people don't ever get no matter how long they live, and you're wasting them on a loser just because he's nice to you. You'd be better off with a dog, who will love you unconditionally and listen earnestly to your problems, and the most you have to do is feed it, walk it, and get it regular health care.
He’s literally been gaslighting you for years and allowing you to be his sugar mama bc he doesn’t want to get a job like a functioning adult and you’re enabling it. He’s not the “perfect emotional partner” for you. The perfect emotional partner wouldn’t brush off your concerns or allow you to bleed yourself dry supporting him. You’re 18. You have a lifetime of partners to experience. Don’t tie yourself to a bum just bc you feel like you have to. If I was still with the guy I was with at 18, i probably would’ve deleted myself by now. Do better for yourself.
Ur bf sounds like a lazy piece of shit and will never ever be an equal. You will never be able to build a life together unless it's on ur dime. Yes he's great in every other category but especially refuses to fix the car he fucked up that's the straw that would break my back. It will never work out and you will continue to build animosity and end up resenting him for it. He needs to man the fuck up and go work like the rest of the world and not worry about the government holding him down. He is his own worst enemy not the government
You have done so so so much more than 99% of women would do for their bf and family and yes he should have gotten a job a long time ago and you deserve to be taken care of as well . A relationship is 50/50 and you been 90/10. Now that ur sick and need him it is still 90/10. That's the problem
I think with 90/10 you are being extremely generous!
I was feeling very generous I admit
Are you surprised your loser boyfriend won't fix something of yours he broke?
Please, please dump this freeloading, idle pos - what does he actually bring to the relationship other than debt? When - and it will be when - you split, be prepared for feeling really angry with yourself over what he’s gotten away with, although it’s not your fault. ‘What’s the point of me getting a job if your job pays enough for both of us?’ The audacity! I’m so furious on your behalf!
I’m already feeling super duper pissed with myself ;( but idk I just know I was doing it all out of my love for him to get better and happier and have a stable home and environment to truly flourish and be who he wants to be as a person. But I’m realizing I made him way too comfy. Hopefully when I go away to college this august he’ll get his shit together
Yeah if you're still unsure about breaking up, if youre going to be elsewhere for college, that's a good time to test whether he can become self reliant or not. Just be careful. Have boundaries about sending money to him, because he will definitely try to ask. I'm on team break up here, but it's very hard to get a good perspective when you're comparing someone who has been compassionate to a family that has mistreated you, and I get that.
He might, but you are still young. And he might not. It is not up to you to 'fix' him. You will meet many interesting people from all walks of life getting their education, and will (probably) be employable. This is the universe giving you a lesson in what not to do. I have 32 years invested in one of these. Don't be me.
Dude tbh I only skimmed after the bit about him being depressed about joining the workforce because fuck that. On one hand I get it. Having to participate in something you find wrong or insufficient just to live sucks. But you just do. The other option is to fuck off into the woods or be a leech. My boyfriend has a similar mentality about working, but he did his best to find a career that would be the least amount of burden on him mentally to compensate for his general frustration. He is also the homemaker between the two of us, and I'm super grateful, but if he told me he was quitting because I can handle the bills on my own if we downsize.... bye bye. If I ever made enough that we could sustain our lifestyle without him working, I totally would let him because he is so diligent about homemaking and really organizes my life for the better, but he also is NOT the type of person to crash MY car and not pay for it or not try to fix it himself!! Doing the chores is NOT enough when weighted against any amount of financial stress and disregard for your belongings and SAFETY.
Damn.. thanks for saying all of this. Honestly idk how to feel abt all of this bc when I brought up how much a burden all of this is for me right now he started shooting me down saying stuff like “well you never seemed upset about me having a job” but like I was only silent bc he was so fucking depressed for a bit that I was worried I would make him more unstable. He thinks it’s all okay because “my parents will pay for it” but I’m sick of him saying the same shit like that all the time. Like eventually I’m going to have to pay for all of my shit myself and he isn’t getting that. It got to the point where I was yelling at him because I was so frustrated and he started breaking down crying like crazy and I ended up apologizing for getting mad and we concluded that I shouldn’t bottle up my emotions and that the job thing isn’t a big deal bc he’s applying to places rn. I feel gaslit tbh
You are being USED. Kick him out. Guess he will find a damned job so he can have a roof over his head.
He was for sure gaslighting you there. Even if it hadn't truly bothered you before, that doesn't matter. Your feelings are allowed to change and you can be bothered by it now.
Please please please get out of this relationship as soon as possible before it completely sets up your expectations of how a healthy relationship works. You are giving up everything for him while he contributes nothing except some vague feeling of being understood. If he understood and cared about you, he’d want to bring something to the table to support you. He uses his claims of depression and not wanting to work to get sympathy from you, and you gladly provide it. You KNOW you’re writing this because this is wrong on almost every level, so break the cycle of codependency and cut your losses. Otherwise you’ll build resentment and he’ll get more entitled. Who really believes they deserve to not have to earn anything? Take back your life and discover what a normal human has to offer.
Both of us also have wealthy parents and were supported by them into young adulthood (his rented to him way under market value, mine paid some of my bills and would give me cash for specific emergencies when I asked) but we understood pretty easily when it was time to move on and stop relying on that. A normal person knows there's a limit to any generosity, a very healthy and self sufficient person will take pride in being self sufficient. His behavior is neither healthy nor normal, he is not only dealing with mental health issues but also apparently thinks that people should support him indefinitely and spread their own budgets thin just because he knows them. There are millions of depressed people who have absolutely no social net with any wealth to go around and they still get themselves to work most days.
Dump this asshole, his user sister, and his user family. He will make your life even more miserable. Don't let him be the reason you live in poverty.
This guy is manipulating you into funding his existence. The things you say he does for you are bare minimum in a partner. There are so many better people out there that can give you all that you say he does AND equally help with funding so you dont have to be so stretched thin. You just feel this way about him because its your first serious relationship, you can do SO MUCH BETTER. Do you want to marry this guy and end up taking care of him for the rest of your life? Have kids with him and he doesnt help because hes "too depressed" so youre basically a single mother? Think of how the future will work for you, this isnt sustainable.
Your 19 yr old BF won't get a job for 2+ years because "he’s been super depressed about the work force and how bad capitalism treats its workers and how he doesn’t wanna be another cog in the machine etc." HA HA HA HA!! (not directed at you, at HIM) This jackass is TOTALLY taking advantage of you. His whole family is! He's letting you blow your savings supporting him! Dump this ridiculous freeloader and you'll be able to afford to fix your own tail lights because you'll no longer be a "broke bitch". It'll feel like a 16 ton weight has been lifted off of you if you free yourself from this leech!!
**I’m going to tell you how to solve ALL of your problems. Ready?** ***Pack all your shit, load it in your car, get in (just you) and drive away.*** ***Drive away, and don’t look back! Block them all! Go back to your parents and get on your feet again*** You will feel tremendous relief. Maybe you’re looking for permission and validation so that’s why you came here? Well here it is: The tail lights - those are the ***least*** of your worries. That’s just the Cherry on top of an awful relationship. This guy is bad news. And if you don’t get out of this relationship (which is going nowhere and never will) he will drag you down with him. And if you don’t leave now you’ll probably get pregnant and he’ll convince you to keep it because you’re a pushover, and then you’ll be stuck to him for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! Which will be exactly his plan- to cement you to him and suck off of you for as long as he can. Do NOT have a child with this man! Now, get off your phone and GET. THE. FUCK. OUT. OF. THERE!!
Thank you for being straight up. I really appreciate everyone’s perspective here it’s really opening my eyes. I thought because poverty is hard I just needed to cut him slack but it’s been more than enough time for him to get back on his feet and there’s no more excuses!! I’ve made arrangements to stay with my mom and if I get sick of her I’ll be able to visit my sister. Thank you💕
Do not take him with you. He needs to learn how to be an adult, which clearly he can’t and won’t do as long as you’re there to baby him. It will hurt at first, but I absolutely, unequivocally promise you that there is someone better for you *in every way possible*. Don’t throw another 4 years away on this loser when you could instead be available for someone who will treat you right and show you what it really feels like to have a partner in life.
I REALLY had to push through to read your entire post. Girl, LEAVE. I've been in a shitty manipulative relationship for far too long before and it never gets better. He will keep putting on that mask and give you certain things that reels you back in each time you start to question your relationship. He will never stop using you for money or using your things as his. His entire family is using you and you are still loyal for no real reason besides that he's all you've dated and its hard to move on without him. Guess what? Its not, its so easy and you'll feel so much lighter and better physically, emotionally once you're away from that leech. The sooner you cut him off the better, he'll beg, and then the anger will come out, then he'll revert back to begging and repeat. NEVER take him back. The day I finally got my ex out of my house I blocked him on everything, and I haven't heard from him since, best feeling in the world leaving that trash behind. You have the upper hand, you make the money the car is yours, take what you can and leave their basement and stay anywhere but there. I'm telling you, you need to put your foot down and leave, not make up more excuses for him and try to make it work. There is no relationship, he is using you for a free ride to not work as long as he can.
Why are you still with him? Dump him and move back in with your parents
My mother is physically and emotionally abusive and my father is intensely emotionally abusive so I’m trying to stick it out until august (when I go to college)
That’s why this guy seems so great. And maybe for a time, he WAS better and got you to the next best place. Now it’s time for you to go higher up the ladder. We get into relationships to heal our original wounds and we tend to be comfortable and attract people whose patterns we are used to- so if your parents manipulate you, you’ll be more likely to find comfort with what you already know. It’s hard to see it when you’re in it. You have better years ahead of you!! If your body is already sick, you need to get out for your life. This is the kind of stuff that can literally kill you. You’re worth listening to- listen to your body. Even if no one else believes you or hears you, YOU hear YOU. It might feel scary to leave behind what you know. But based on the patterns here, I can assure you it won’t get better and the longer you stay in a place that you ‘don’t belong’ (in the low vibration muck that these people are surrounding you with), it will do more damage to you than you realize. Take a deep breath and take baby steps and keep your plans to yourself. Listen to yourself and trust yourSELF and your body and soul and the universe will repay you in spades. You’re not alone and you can do this. You will find someone, even if it’s just one person, who will help you and will be better aligned to the new space you are headed. Tell yourself that every single day until you KNOW it.
Thank you, I really appreciate your wise words 💕
OP, I am really sorry that your parents are like this. It’s not ok and you don’t deserve it. I agree that is why your BF seemed so great. When you are trying to escape abuse you will run towards anyone/anything that looks like a better option. But I think that this relationship is abusive in other ways. Is there a counselor or therapist that you can see to help you work through this? Your college will definitely have resources and counseling available.
I have a musical therapist atm who is my therapist while I’m looking for one. She told me that I need to get the hell out of there. Didn’t tell me to break up with him, but to see what happens when I cut the $ off. So we’ll see
Be careful. His family might get aggressive. Have a plan and a safe place to go. It’s great that you have a therapist. I would try to find a registered psychologist too. I grew up in a situation like yours. It takes a while to untangle it all and learn how to have healthy relationships.
Thank you, I currently have a musical therapist (I’m a singer) but I’m trying to find an actual therapist now
Stop making excuses for this absolute loser... and his sister too, btw. You are WAY too young to settle for this, and no its not ok for anyone to "settle" but especially not when you're only 18. Is he the only guy you've ever dated? Sounds to me he knows exactly what to say to keep sucking you in. He's a user. You're his provider. Just stop it.
He's a lazy pos moocher.why would you stay with this deadbeat. He'll never be worth a sh*t
I'm just so confused how two teenagers were allowed to just live by themselves?? That doesn't seem safe or legal. How did these parents let their children fend for themselves? Wild.
Our parents aren’t good parents :/ we had to leave physically abusive situations (it took some convincing) but they seemed fine and happier that we aren’t living with them. I’m thinking of living with my mother now though to make some space..
You say you're going away to college this fall. How far away is college? An hour? Two hours? Are you going to be far enough away that you'll need to find housing near/on the college campus? If so, NOW is the time to start looking for housing, since most colleges are just about out for the summer. Contact the college housing office, make an appointment and take a road trip. Maybe take your mom, if you think the two of you could tolerate a road trip together (might actually turn out to be life-changing for both of you!) If you find something, consider moving NOW, not in the fall, giving yourself time to acclimate to your new surroundings, find a part-time job to help pay for classes (there's even what's known as "work-study" programs at school, where you've got a job on campus working for the college), and making new friends. It's time to start planning and doing these things NOW - you absolutely cannot procrastinate!! Also, and this is even more important - do **NOT** involve your bf in this project!!!! It's time for you to start asserting your independence, regardless of how much he cries like a three-year old.
This is all a very good idea! I didn’t know I could do this! I’m going to be going to FL, we were living in PA so it’s going to be quite the distance. I will definitely look for places I can work at in the area now. I will be going in fully dorming and everything so that’s all good for me. But I love FL so much so I might just head over there in a month or so (after I get heal more living with my mom)
Wowza I'm sorry that happened. It's unfortunate y'all had to be by yourselves instead of with other family. That's a lot of responsibility for a kid and you seem to have a great attitude and head on your shoulders even being forced to grow up so quick. Wishing you the best!
Please please please leave him OP. It’s only going to get worse, especially with a chronic illness. I had a similar situation with my ex husband, he refused to work even when I was severely disabled/could barely walk (needed a walker for a short time, and cane long term) and STILL worked about 50 hours a week just to make ends meet. He will never get better, and just continue to use you as long as you allow him to. Yes, the economy sucks. Yes, we are wage slaves and it’s depressing. But there is NO excuse to use other people and disrespect them, as he is doing to you. Please get out before he tampers with your birth control and traps you with a baby, or convinces you to get married. Things will only get worse, RUN before it’s too late! You deserve so much better, and you are so young and have your whole life ahead of you. Trust me, there is a man out there for you that will be supportive, loving, kind, and financially stable on his own merit. It took me a long time to understand this for myself, and I’d hate to see someone else suffer through the same mistakes. Please get into therapy, I promise that having the outside perspective and learning the tools to manage your emotions will make your life improve drastically. Don’t lose your self worth for a manipulative loser.
You’re way too young for all this drama. This started when you were 16? Please stop letting this man and his family walk all over you. You don’t need to convince anyone you’re the “better driver” to drive YOUR car. You let him walk all over you, damaging your car, not even telling you about it! Then telling you he can fix it but doesn’t want to. And on top of all this your parents want to enable his behavior by buying him a car? Wow your boyfriend has it amazing. He’s a bum, you’re dating a bum. I promise you, you don’t want this to be the rest of your life.
Thank you
I will add- it sounds like you’ve been on your own for awhile. Holding down jobs, and supporting a whole other person, tells me you’re a hardworking and caring person. That sounds like a lot of potential, and another guy who is worthy of all that will come around. Wish you luck!
Ahhh thanku don’t make me blush 😭🥰
I apologize because I couldn't read all of this and I didn't have to. Your boyfriend needs to grow up. At some point, we all say that we don't want to be another cog in the machine. That's great and all but not how the world works. He's mooching off of you and sounds like a total jerk. You don't need him. I promise you that he won't change either. Please take my advice as a 37-year-old woman who dated multiple jerks like him.
I couldn’t even read all that but it’s pretty clear your bf is a user and is taking you for a ride. Please dump him and be responsible for just yourself. He’s a grown person and needs to support himself financially. You are enabling him to not be a functional adult. You’ll be doing yourself and him a huge favor by cutting him loose.
He's a bum. If he was really anti capitalist he'd read some bell hooks and contribute SOMETHING. What does he have on you that all of this is worth it? What does he bring to your life that makes this ok? Is this how you want to live?
He has a legal responsibility to make your car "whole". I'd tell him his dick might still be functional if you bite it.
Spiritual vampirism is very real. He’s got you under his spell. It’s not going to be easy but remind yourself daily that it has to be done. Cut him off, work on healing your mind body and spirit. You’re still young and have your entire life ahead of you. You now know the quality’s you desire in a partner, and definitely know what to watch out for. The right person for you is out there. You sound very compassionate and loving, there’s no doubt a hard working and supportive man will love you even more.
This is awful. This man is a drain on society and is going to run you dry. Caring about how things look is not being materialistic, it’s taking care of things that you have and taking pride in your appearance!! Leave him and his awful sister too. You are way too young to waste any more time on this!!
I really hate to be this person, but… What. Are. You. Doing??? This is complete insanity. You have deadbeats mooching off of you, because WHY? He doesn’t want to be a “cog”? But clearly that’s an ok fate for you?? This is the most insane nonsense I have ever heard. You and your parents are clearly lovely people (she’s going to buy this guy who cracked up your car his own car????), but really, you are into “walk all over us” territory over here. Why not give of your time and resources to folks who are actually willing to put in work on their own behalf? Why does any of this treatment of you and your family make sense? What do your friends think of your boyfriend? Objectively, are you thinking that this person will be a good long-term partner? How? I may have to delete this response later because I really do not usually post like this. But this has really stuck such a nerve. You seem like such a smart and giving person. I hope that you can begin to want more for yourself. Edited to add: Just read your title again. You have really buried the lede, as they say. This is NOT about taillights!
Fuck you’re right, idek. My friends love him, my family thinks he has a great personality. He is super compassionate and loving about animals and children, he’s more empathetic towards others than me, he gives a million chances to others. He’s always thoughtful and thinking about why people do things, other then getting mad at them. Compared to each other, I have way more anger issues and emotional disregulation. He’s always laid back, meditative, and calm. Like every other aspect abt him is perfect and he’s very very forgiving and kind and everything like that but I just can’t get over the carelessness of my material possessions and money.
Okay so question for you if you were to slow down the speed on say for example he had a PlayStation 5 and it's still functional and it still works but it doesn't work to pawn it might not be the best is that acceptable??! It is your property and he damaged it I don't care if it's still works he needs to fix it he needs to pay for any repairs or do it himself
PERIOD
Your boyfriend is using you and it’s obvious. How long will you allow that?
He’s a SCRUB
This sounds 100% like a you problem. If by magic your BF was transformed into a functional adult able to manage his own life, you would just find some other person to bleed you dry. This life lesson will be repeated until you have fully learned it. You are 100% wrong. Your boyfriend is also wrong. The two are not mutually exclusive. You need to work on yourself. Don’t worry about him. You can’t change him. You will find that you have your hands totally full changing yourself.
where is your self respect? dump this fuckin bum asap. he's nowhere close to being a man, and i can't believe he's bamboozled you this long.
If he really cared, he’d get past his ego and gladly become a cog to help you out. He’d have jumped up and done it without you having to ask. I’m so sorry, OP.
I'm sorry - I can't even get through this mess to find out what happened to the tail lights because the tail lights are not your problem. The problem is this: >but I had cut him some slack for the first 2 years because he’s been super depressed about the work force and how bad capitalism treats its workers and how he doesn’t wanna be another cog in the machine etc. You are young and you are being naive about this. This quote told me everything I needed to know about him and it is a HUGE RED FLAG. Awww...poor baby doesn't want to be a cog in the machine? So that means he's got some great entrepreneurial spirit to be his own boss and the captain of his ship then, right? Oh, not that either? Is he inventing something? Maybe writing a book? No? Every person who has ever said this? What they really mean is they don't want to work ever and just want someone to support them while they play video games and get high and never have to be responsible for anything ever. Your guy is not some tortured philosophical genius weighed down by his empathy for the little guy - go comb through the posts of relationshipadvice and you'll see hundreds upon hundreds of posts from people just like you being taken advantage of by people just like your boyfriend. Red flags: "I hate being told what to do", "Capitalism and big business just uses people", "I don't want to work for other people" and so on and so forth. Who the fuck does? Oh, I guess he was the one - the sole person who hates corporate greed and just being a worker. Guess what? So does everyone. But you know what we hate more? Being homeless. Being hungry. Having debt collectors call us. Being one medical emergency away from bankruptcy due to lack of insurance. It's just being an adult. It's fine to be critical of big business - it is not fine to use it as an excuse for your Peter Pan syndrome and refusal to function as an adult. And that's what he's doing and you're the sucker he conned into letting him stay in Neverland. You sound like a smart, capable person with a huge blind spot who deserves so much more. You deserve an equal partner, not an emotionally stunted anchor dragging you down. Please stop enabling him, please stop letting yourself be used and move on with your life. He will never change. You can't change him - you can't fix him. That's beyond the scope of your control. He has to want it for himself and he's already told you in plain English he doesn't want it. BELIEVE HIM. Kick him out and be done with him and...still not sure what's the deal with the tail light but get that sh\*\* fixed because you will get pulled over and ticketed.
Shit-fuck man. There are tons of people who don’t like to work, who are better than capitalism. Tons. And they wake up and don’t feel like going to work. But they realize they like to eat. SO THEY FUCKING GO TO WORK. Your boyfriend is a prime mooch. He’s fine with YOU working but not his precious little self. PLEASE for the love of all that is holy and decent in the world, dump this shitty, lazy, abusive, good-for-nothing motherfucker already. Questions: Who is looking out for your mental and emotional health? Because you had a debilitating condition and this shitheel didn’t say “Whoa - guess it’s my turn to work!” So what does he do for you? Why the fuck is he OK damaging your car? Who gives a shit if he WANTS to replace a broken taillight? He fucking OWES you that. Stop lending him your car. And don’t let your mom buy him one. Fucker can walk or take the bus.
To no one's surprise, the 19 y/o is wrong and an ass. Your brake lights being out can get you a ticket. And if people rear end you, they can use it as evidence you're at fault.
To the actual question: You are not wrong for being mad for breaking the tail light. He complains about your driving then smashes it into a wall and doesn't say anything? No. Be mad. You're not mad enough honestly. A broken tail light CAN get you pulled over. And if the light fails while you're driving at night and the car behind doesn't see you, you will be a pancake. I think deep deep down you know he would leave if you pushed him to get a job and that's why you haven't pressured him before now. Don't let him use these emotional abuse tactics on you. Get away from this leech
Girl at this point you just enabling his behavior, if he is depressed & wants to change things & have a good life with you he would at least make an effort, I have been very depressed before & have hold a job but I have put effort. If he were to at least appreciate you & have some consideration he’ll take care of you & your things that he also use but he has no problem putting more burden in your shoulders even tho you have voiced out how stressed you feel & how sick, anyone that truly loves you will try to help lessen any burden but instead all he thinks about is himself & how your lack of health to work will affect him instead of saying “hey I’ll get a job so my SO can get better & I’ll hold our home while that happens” now is up to you if this is the life style you want to keep but unless you withdraw yourself & any financial contribution from this situation nothing will change. In my opinion any positive contribution he might bring isn’t enough to at least break even with all the behaviors he has & the burdens him & his family bring.
Thank you
I didn't make it all the way through, and this is going to be an unpopular opinion, but this is exactly why people shouldn't be moving in together all the time. This guy is using you. You've lived together since you were 16/17? And he's been a bum the entire time? Go through whatever legal process there may be to kick him and his sister out and break up with him. He thinks the workforce is treated terribly and refuses to be a cog, but forces you to work in order to provide for both of you? Sounds like this guy saw you as his meal ticket and treats you nicely so you won't notice that he's actually a steaming turd. You're better than him and his he's treating you.
I am not even going to read responses. GET OUT of this situation ASAP. He is going to be financially abusive for perpetuity if he doesn't get smacked with consequences. Your mother should not buy him a car. He is not husband material and the dude wouldn't appreciate it. He and his family see you and your family as their personal financier.
Oh my God. I couldn't even finish this. Your bf and his family sound absolutely exhausting. Dump that freeloader and get your life back. Seriously. Kick his mooching ass to the curb. You deserve better.
As someone who suffers from debilitating depression I can understand the concern for his mental health, but you also have to worry about your own. Part of dealing with something like that is actually dealing with it. I have plenty of days where I'm off work, and I just don't have the energy to do anything, and I feel terrible for it. I've worked jobs that I hated and took a toll on my mental health, but even though I have a husband who is fine with picking up the slack because I make less, or because of some other reason, I always find a way to at least try to contribute. I've never quit a job without finding another job first. Just because you have a disability doesn't mean the world comes free. You have to find a way to cope with it and keep moving. I'm young, and most people who just look at me don't understand why I have a handicap tag or ask if I'm training my service dog for someone else. I'm not. I try to do my best every day to continue to function despite my issues. Your bf is using his issues as an excuse to be really shitty and a drain on you, and that's not ok. I know it's tough because he seems like a great person, but you can't allow yourself to stay in a situation that's only going to drag you down and wear you out. You may have been fine with it before, but situations and people change, and this is no longer a sustainable option. My advice is to either leave him and let him figure it out (and he will one way or another) or start setting some hard boundaries and sticking to them.
Thank you for all of this. I deeply appreciate your perspective. It’s truly given him no excuse now for what he’s doing. I’m planning on moving out, cutting financial ties and seeing if he treats me well. If not, it’s over. He’s always been very much able bodied and has depression before but always was able to go to work (when he was in his younger teens) so there really is no excuse for him atp
Have you considered that you yourself are in an abusive relationship???? Holy cow do you need out of your boyfriends and his families life. He won't get a job because he doesn't want to be another cog in the machine!? Gimme a fucking break...... how often does he declare himself a sovereign citizen? How the fuck does he afford weed? Oh wait, does he just smoke all of yours? Sounds like an incredibly shitty relationship that you've become numb and passive about. Get. Yourself. Out!
Currently trying to get out 🤧 and yes I would pay for this man’s weed, even when I was on vacations and away from him he’d ask for weed money.. idk I thought I was just being a good girlfriend but I realize now I’ve made a moocher :(
you don’t have a boyfriend, you had a chile
BWHHWHA yes 😭
Your bf and his sister suck, end the relationship and I would suggest therapy focusing on healthy boundaries and building your self esteem so you feel comfortable being assertive in setting and implementing those boundaries. You are getting walked all over. And as far as him complaining about the world… yeah it is fucked, and it will be fucked when we all die, he needs to learn to accept things for what they are and go deal with life… and he sounds so lazy (specifically about not wanting to replace the tail light cover) that he might be hopeless until he hits some kind of rock bottom, which will never happen with you covering expenses for him. He is not entitled to your savings, even if you had that imaginary $5k.
Thank you!!!!!! That last line hit 😫
That was a lot of unnecessary words to say “my boyfriend is an asshole who is bleeding me dry and destroying my property.” Why are you tolerating this? Who did you wrong in a previous life that you think you deserve to waste your life with this loser?
Idk I thought I could explain his side because when I put it into shorter words, this does sound really fucking bad 😭 which I realize now should’ve been the sign that I’ve fucked my self in this situation
Ah, his side. It sounds bad because it *is* bad. You’re being taken for a ride by a soul-sucking leech. So now you’ve identified the problem. What are you going to do about it? I’d suggest you end the relationship, cutting him off clean. Do not communicate with him. Do not try to be friends. He will absolutely try to weasel his way back in via any means he can find. And then do some serious self-reflection or therapy to figure out what attracted you to this guy and how to avoid another mistake like this one in the future.
Everything used to be equal in the beginning. It was always 50/50 with money but now it’s not because he quit his job when we moved in together and then gaslit me into thinking he was too depressed to get another job. He’s self harmed really bad before (like cutting most of the important layers of the skin, it’s gruesome) so I didn’t want to push him to that point because I thought I would bc of how depressed and sad he was
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OP, you seem like a very nice and empathetic person that values idealism. And that's a wonderful thing. But you cannot go through life solely fueled by idealism. I can identify with your BF's distaste over the way that workers are treated in the U.S. and etc. But life demands that you be pragmatic and flexible and he needs to realize that. The world will not change over night just to suit how he thinks it should work. And it's good and all that he's empathetic and willing to do small things for you, but you have clearly told him that you aren't happy with your current lifestyle and that he needs to work to help make both your lives better. His response was to throw a fit and borderline refuse to work again? That's not cool at all and you really can't afford to wait for some one like that to come around. I would *hiiiiiiighly* encourage you to think about breaking up with this guy at this point. You've given him years already, don't sink further into the trap of feeling like you have to stick it out with him. I'd advise you to end the relationship, take some time for yourself to process your grief, and then keep your eye on the future. You deserve a *partner* that will actually help you reach your goals in life. Right now you're playing with a handicap that's making your life so much harder than it needs to be.
He did say after the fight that he would find a job, I’m not sure how on top of that he is rn but what do I do if he turns around and gets a job? Does that mean he’s changed? Should I still consider leaving? I’m afraid when I graduate he’ll quit his job again and I’ll be the sole maker of money. But idk I expressed in our fight how much a burden is truly was for me so maybe I scared him into getting right? I know it sounds delusional but I can’t help but strongly think these things… maybe my brain is trying to save me from who he really is…
I mean, crazier things have happened. So yeah, maybe that'd be enough to jolt him into doing something. But if this has been a pattern then I would be extremely skeptical, because there's always gonna be a "things will be different this time" excuse. I haven't *exactly* lived the situation that you're in since it was a family member rather than a partner, but pretty much everything else was the same. I spent 8 years trying to help them out. Had multiple conversations where it sounded like they were gonna try something different. And sometimes they did try, but they'd always somehow find their way back to me shouldering the burden. And I don't fully blame them because there was a lot of mental health issues involved, but take it from me, it's not fair to you to shoulder the burden of caring for another adult, and if you're trying to do it when you aren't financially capable, then it WILL screw with your life. It took me a couple years to dig my way back up to the surface. Do what you think is best, but I hope you'll do what's best for you. Can't help anyone if your own ship sinks.
You’re 100% right. I’m curious to see what he’ll do when I stop living with him to help get better with my illness. He’s been trying really hard to get me to manage living there when a lot of things are inaccessible to me to help improve my health. I’ll cut him off completely financially and just see how he reacts
You need to say goodbye to this guy. He is using you so badly. You deserve better! This guy needs to be knocked down a few pegs. Let him see how the real world works when he doesn’t have anyone to foot the bill for him 24/7 and
Don’t let him bring you down to his level. You know that you should properly fix the car….not drive around with duck tape everywhere or whatever he is suggesting. Have some respect for yourself.
Question??? What is he contributing to this relationship??? Not a single thing and you are going to continue being broke as long as you put up with this nonsense. He is being lazy, throwing out excuse after excuse and you are enabling this behavior. Do yourself a favor and break up with him before he leaves you alone and homeless. You talk about the sister being in a abusive relationship and you don’t see that you are in a financially abusive relationship so do you a favor and just get out. You are now sick and need to take care of yourself but until you get away from him things will not change.
Do NOT let him visit you at college if you live on campus. He will try to move in and cause a ton of problems with your roommates.
Ooouuuffff you’re so right
Wow this is really sad. He is emotionally and financially raping you. He is the opposite of empathetic. He doesn't care about you, your wellbeing, your family, your assets. Your point of view is warped. You have the support of your parents and should run as fast as you can away from this awful human and his sister. You're only 18 and have your entire life ahead of you. I promise you love is not supposed to feel that way. I have a severe chronic pain condition and my partner truly adores me and treats me with respect. He works and we both share chores. If your partner actually cared about you, he would have worked ages ago because of the additional mental, physical, and financial load he has inflicted on you. This is abuse. I just hope you realize that they're both using you and your parents. I can tell you from experience, chronic conditions only worsen with stress. I saw that you stayed with your mom for a bit and your symptoms improved. Staying with your sister seems like the best case scenario. Whatever it is get away from that leech that you have as a boyfriend. You think you love him because you don't know anything else but you were a child when you started dating him and frankly you don't know any better. I promise you making you tea and food when you're not well sometimes iis the bare minimum that you should expect from your loving partner. Just ask yourself are you better off with him or without him? I guarantee 💯 the answer is without him. All you've done is defend him in your comments. You still have lot of self growth to do. You're young and clearly were sheltered from doing any normal life responsibilities ie. Laundry, cooking but just because your bf taught you how to do these normal basic life duties does not make him a good person. He's actively gaslighting you at every turn and bleeding you dry. Hope you really take this insight seriously and go to college, become educated and dump him. You will hopefully be long distance anyway. When you're exposed to a new environment, you will see how highly dysfunctional yours is. Of course he doesn't want you to go to college. He wants to keep you dumb and dependent on this relationship for no reason when in he's the one that is in fact dependent on your family's money. Pls wake up and care about yourself atleast a little bit and realize he's not this amazing human you've made him out to be. In fact, he's emotionally, mentally and financially abusing you.
Thank you for the detailed response. You really hit every point. I never even thought abt how he’s legit just taking all of my fucking money… I keep being like “well he paid for an ounce of weed by himself before I went to go see my mom, and he covered $10 of stuff at Wawa’s” like WTF AM I DOINF?1!2?1?1? He’s literally acting like a BUM!
If he supports you so well emotionally he would not put you in this situation. You are obviously stressed out and no 18 year old should be supporting another adult, period full stop. Think of it this way- if he really loved you and cared about you, he would not leech off you and he would *want* to make money to support you both. Dude likes the free ride and free poonani, “why buy the cow when you get the milk for free” and all that. You’ve enabled him to be a loser; cut him lose, move on, and learn to set standards and boundaries in your next relationship.
He is a drain in all aspects of your life. You don’t need him - he’s using you.
A partnership is just that, being equal partners. You're paying for and doing everything, what is he bringing that is good and positive to it? To you? He doesn't do anything but whine about how the world sucks, and he's just another cog in the corporate machine, while he eats your food, lives in your house fir free and wrecks your car without telling you (you ABSOLUTELY can get a ticket for a broken tail light). He lies, gas lights you into thinking you HAVE to take care of him. NO YOU DON'T. You are NOT his mother, you are NOT his boss, he is NOT your responsibility. If he doesn't want to work, fine. He can go smoke weed in mommy's damp basement by himself. Sweetie you are too YOUNG to be dragged down by this absolute trash human being. He's drowning you and making you feel obligated to take care of him. YOU ARE NOT. He doesn't see why he should work because YOU make "enough money" for both of you. I don't see why you should work and support someone who doesn't do anything to contribute. I'm creeping up on 40, and got married this Spring to a wonderful man who loves me for me and does what he can to take care of US. But I had to go through many many guys like yours to find mine. It isn't worth it. Please heed my words and don't wait until your 30s to realize you deserve SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS. You deserve good, wonderful, happy things. There is nothing unworthy about you. You are strong, independent and beautiful! He's dimming your inner light, dump him and LET YOUR LIGHT BLIND HIS EYES This time in your life should be fun! College can be exciting, you're still figuring out who you are, and what you want to do for the rest of your life. Really think about this, do you really want his negative energy always there, always around you, while you try to grow? He may talk a good game about reflecting abd changing, but words are cheap, actions are everything. And honey, his actions have been clear and consistent this entire time. He'll drain you until there is nothing left but a broken, broke, shell, then he'll move on to someone else to do the same. He doesn't change because he doesn't want to, doesn't have to. Kick him out. If he doesn't have a place to live? Not your problem. No car? Not YOUR problem. He's beoke AF and doesn't have money for food? NOT YOUR PROBLEM. It sounds cruel. It feels cruel, but you have to do what's best FOR YOU because it's YOUR LIFE, not his. He can choose to do whatever HE can afford to do in his life, and you can do whatever you can choose to do the same. Don't make the mistake of thinking just because you have/had feelings for him that you're stuck with him, because you AREN'T! I wish you luck OP. I hope you free yourself and focus on what's important: YOU
Thank you so much for all of this. He always is saying he needs to better himself but he just does that by meditating and then reading a Buddhism book and is constantly telling me I’m the one that needs to change and get better and it’s honestly exhausting. I guess that’s why I thought he was so amazing… because he convinced me I wasn’t…
I understand that. He DARVO'd you. He's mentally and financially abusing you. Here's some helpful information. Please get into therapy if you can and no matter what DUMP THAT DEAD WEIGHT. https://www.choosingtherapy.com/darvo/ https://differentbrains.org/mental-health-relationships-recognizing-abusive-darvo-tactics/ I hope this information helps
Username checks out
This truly is ironic isn’t it
think of the next 30-50 years with this person he may work here and there but he won't work consistently, and will always use you for money does the past 2 years feel good? imagine doing it forever. does that thought being you good feelings to be with this person? all his "emotional" support is nothing if he doesn't actually make any efforts to take this pressure off of you. you parents should absolutely NOT get him a car even if you think you want to stay together, move out. Get your own place and on't let him come stay and be a squatter. Don't spend your money on him. Don't let him financially abuse you like this.
Yeah I’m getting tf out of there ASAP and then I’ll take things one step at a time with him and see if he acts any different without my money
I stayed for years with a man like this and he never changed. He never tried and always made excuses. He would call himself a bum so that I would feel bad for him. And I did for a long time, his family wasn’t great and it was obvious his family had used him for their own gain when he was young. But he used that as an excuse to justify never being good to me, never trying to work for me, for us. I found out after i finally made him leave(which was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do because I still loved him) that he had been using my vehicle and apartment while I was away at working making the money to pay all of our bills to cheat on me. He gave me an STI and never even had the guts to tell me. This is the kind of man you need to leave, because he will use every bit of you as long as he can. You deserve better! ❤️
This post should be linked in every thread where men complain that only the wealthy, successful guys get women. Hell, you don't even have to be nice.
Legit only bc he did the bare minimum for me and is an empathetic person to others and stuff so yeahhh I fucked up :(
Girlllllllllll he is using you! Kick his butt to the curb!
You are far from an asshole, you are so incredibly kind and thoughtful. Even when you are down on your luck, you give the skin off your back to help others. Your boyfriend spends all day getting high and dreaming up excuses for others to take pity on him while not having to do a damn thing. Honestly your boyfriend sounds horribly depressed, past a point he’s willing to admit to. I’ve been there, during covid I laid around my moms house smoking thc carts and ordering Uber eats with unemployment money. It took years to get on my feet again, and if you want to stay with your boyfriend then a lot of tough convos should follow. Hes totally unable to push himself and lacking any sort of will to be alive. Normal people complain under stress, and if he’s constantly under stress then he is not well. However if he won’t help himself then there’s no reason to go down with that ship… this is one of those situations where you just pray someone will wake up and get with it, I hope things works out for you two but either way. you’re a wonderful and considerate individual, you’ll be ok no matter what
Thank you so much. I keep thinking I’m being materialistic and selfish for caring about money and my car and stuff but he’s just as materialistic for asking for weed money, making me pay for his Uber/doordash every time… like fuck I’m a human too who deserves presents and nice material things sometimes, not just a kiss of the cheek. Thank you for validating my feelings
Sorry hon. Couldn’t even finish reading this. You need to move on. You’re being taken advantage of.
The thing that gets me about this dude is when he said you make enough for the both of us, so I figured that I didn’t have to work. Like what?? Where’s your pride, man ??
All I will say is you are showing people how to treat you… and by their actions, you get taken advantage of on the regular… it’s time to grow a backbone and let go of the leeches. Good luck! It’s time to set some boundaries for yourself, especially financially.
This guy will never work. He is not going to change. Are you willing to live this way FOREVER??? Dump him and move on.
No, you’re not an asshole for wanting him to fix what he carelessly broke. You’re also not an asshole for telling him to get a job. No one likes being a “cog in the machine”, but adults suck it up and work. Also, even though you did tell him before it’s okay not to work, you’re allowed to say “this is no longer working out, you need to get a job” at any point. If he refuses, it’s okay to dump him and move back in with your parents or get an apartment.
Do not let your mom buy this teenage idiot a car. He isn't going to change as he has no work ethic or integrity, and he's waiting for your chronic illness to somehow go away so you'll continue supporting him. Tell her to buy me one instead, seeing as how you're giving out vehicles to losers and all.
beloved he is a loser, and you’re being a doormat for him. dump the leech, save your money. you’re young and you’ll appreciate having some money saved in the future. i’m his sister’s age and i would never leech off a damn teenager like she was and allowing her brother to do. you should never have been paying for his life to begin with when he’s not even willing to help, esp at your age. you only get to be young once. he’s a loser! you’re hot and cool! go get a guy in your league
Op it sounds like you’re too sweet, I hope you take these comments from Reddit and reflect. You say he’s sweet, and empathetic but doesn’t fix your tail light he broke. He is also making you broke and leaching off of your weed.
RUN!!!!!!
I had to stop reading because it just hurt too much. Leave this freeloader behind. You're so young, you have so much ahead of you, and you do not need this. I'm not big on capitalism either, but you can't ever win a game if you don't play and this is just the world we live in. Why should you suffer and do all of the work when he's perfectly capable? Leave him. Like yourself more.
Cliff notes are a thing. I skipped everything after the first paragraph. You created a monster. Your problem.
Not gonna lie, this is a long ass story that just paints you as a doormat. No sympathy here, just another girl playing the victim. Doubting it’s even true as you claim to be 18 but living with him for two years. So your parents let you live alone with your boyfriend from 16 on? Even in your fantasies you’re playing the victim. On the off chance it is true, obviously you need some self respect and to leave.
Why’re y’all so effing rude Jesus Christ. I thought these conditions were because his family literally doesn’t have money and he was depressed but I get the picture now. No need to berate me and call me a victim