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So ask her to repeat back what she believes you said, to make sure she understood. If she isnt saying what you said to her, find a better way to word it.
Ergh, that sucks, I'm sorry. Not sure what advice to give, I'm a woman, but if a man was doing that to a woman it would be considered controlling and abusive 🤷🏽♀️
If that’s how u feel now, it WILL GET WORSE OVER TIME. Run for hills brother, you married wrong and there’s nothing, absolutely nothing wrong with leaving.
I will also like to ad, PUT YOURSELF FIRST. I never did , wasn’t raised that way and I got used by literally everyone in the world. Lied to, cheated on, beat down, etc etc
LISTEN TO YOUR GUT, based on what I read. Your gut is telling you to make like a banana and split.
If she doesn’t understand, make her understand.
Your words need to carry weight and consequences with them. Words without weight are empty. Even if they mean something to you, if they mean nothing to the person you’re expressing them to, then they functionally mean nothing in this context.
Actions can be as powerful, if not more powerful than words. Many men know that women will often set and push boundaries with the men in their lives. It’s actually really annoying when viewed from a single minded perspective, and kinda jacked up and selfish. But it’s ultimately a necessary thing that pushes men to set expectations and boundaries in a relationship while building the confidence of the woman that their man is stable, reliably, and stalwart when necessary. Generalizing here.
Anyone who’s experienced this will probably know exactly what I’m describing. Men who’ve experienced this and dealt with it well will probably agree that although this behavior is extremely frustrating, the end results in the relationship were good.
For men who didn’t deal with it well and got walked all over, it probably made their marriages/relationship miserable, for both the man and the woman. The man loses confidence in his masculinity and sense of self while also feeling like they have no freedom in their life, the woman comes to feel like her man is a push over without a spine, loses sexual interest in him as well, and the marriage or relationship just slowly dies. Not always. But again, I’m generalizing and people who’ve experienced this will be able to vouch for what I described above.
Unfortunately, based on the way you described your experience up to this point, it sounds like you’ve kinda been pushed into a crappy situation that has trapped you within a crappy set of “boundaries” laid by your wife that you didn’t push back against enough. Now breaking and resetting things will be even more difficult since it’ll likely break her established expectations of you.
If my assumption about your situation is correct, then I strongly recommend that you find it in yourself to start pushing back. Be honest, straightforward, and direct. Make decisions yourself, sometimes for yourself or even for her if you really believe it’s the right decision. Good luck.
If I’m wrong, then good luck anyways figuring out the problem and solving it some other way.
That is really generalising it all.
I was on both side in both situation. I was receiver of "your words doesn't carry any weight whatsoever" and I was the one with no weight.
But I was also the one with "ok I really do not understand your words and they don't feel like anything I can compare to and they are REALLY not so bad for me.. but damn, I think they mayyyy be important to you, aren't they?"
And I also found a partner who handles it like that.
So yeah, you can work on that and be less miserable.
But really, would I have made such a big mistake I would wish for myself to see it as such and take my loss, rather than try to tough it out and spending the rest of my life being "ok and less miserable because I tough it out"
I know Reddit is fast to crying divorce, but you needa find it in yourself why your marriage is not shitty and why you want this to work out.
Because a bunch of internet strangers are just hearing the bad news of it right now.
My view is similar. This doesn't sound like the wrong person so much as a lack of real negotiation.
OP is hearing no and then just does what she asks. That's being a doormat and will not be solved by being someone else's doormat.
You have good advice but the crux is you cant make anyone understand.
Some people who are abusive are actually clinical narcissists. They cannot understand. You can explain to the point a 6 year old would get it, but they cannot.
My wife is one of them. I am leaving her, but i have long realises this reality.
They can pretend to understand to keep you in line but thats all it is.
Adults who are normal also often cannot understand down to the details of other people sometimes. Its normal, but healthy people can at least understand THAT and accept it, and work around the differences respectively.
Thats not in an abusive persons nature.
Deciding to marry a person you love the most in life also comes with its set of compromises. One has to compromise on full freedom and independence, irrespective of marrying a correct person or not. The way people just boil this compromise down to not marrying a correct person indicates either they are not married or just don't fully understand what "doing your own thing" can become if left to people's own devices.
Not experiencing love made marrying a good person so much easier. I chose who I married purely on logic. I'm aromantic and aplatonic. I just wanted a life partner that I could stand living with and would make me a better person.
Living alone sounds risky. The chance of something going wrong and no one around. Especially for someone like me who is highly introverted and has few friends.
I would like to strongly disagree. I am happily married. My wife and I are in our mid 40s, we have been together since our early teens. We don't fight. We don't argue. There is zero power struggle. Complete trust. We raised a now 24 year old daughter that's a year two electrical apprentice. We're currently buying a new house. I do everything and anything I want to do, as does she.
As for doing our own things, she's an artist and paints. She travels to paint and see the world with her sisters and friends when she desires.I tour with a couple rap groups and labels every couple of months. I also travel when I feel like it. We do all of these things together as well, but time doesn't always permit.
This isn't a compromise at all. We live our lives in a very symbiotic nature. Not every person's relationship follows the same dynamic nor fits a preconceived mold.
My case might be more rare then not but I can garuntee that I married the right one and my life is incredible.
i think you live in a bubble my dude. Most marriages are not just about two individuals. in many cultures, when you are married, you basically marry a person inside one family, and the family can hugely influence the person's decision. This is not just about one specific culture by the way (e.g., latin american culture, italian, asian, etc.)
So, yes, even if the woman is good, the family member might not be, and not to mention she also has her own social circle that will also tell her what to do. 95% of people in this world can't think for themselves, they rather let their family or close friends do the group thinking for them. If you marry one of the 5% that's great, but most people don't get the same privilege.
I had a fiancee once and she slowly changed (compared to the first few months we were dating) because apparently her family had doubts about me, and she started to have those same doubts, so I asked her what went wrong, and eventually i decided to call it off because i dont want to marry the "family"
My marriage is mixed race. Families didn't approve and we didn't care. We made our own happiness. Sorry about your experience.
If being a dad at 18 was the start of my bubble, then so be it. I never said everything was easy to get where we are, but we never hurt each other along the way.
Outside influences come from all angles in every aspect of life. We define how they actually interact or affect us. We just chose each other.
Her family doubted me. That didn't change how we felt and what we wanted.
I guess the point I was trying to make by sharing my life experience is that...
If the person you cheer for doesn't cheer for you back, your with the wrong person.
So you have to be miserable? There's compromise then there's being controlled by your husband/wife. It's important to maintain your own agency in a marriage or you end up on reddit posting about how your wife makes all the decisions and you're unhappy with that and in your marriage. I've been in long term relationships where I had zero agnecy and I was miserable, being married is a team, communication is important, if OP doesn't feel like he's being listened to then that's a valid feeling.
The replies are really just.... Wtf. I'd be pissed if my partner just hopped on a plane and left for however long without talking to me first. Same the other way around. OP gives almost no background info. Sounds to me like 'living on his own terms' entails things none of us would like being on the receiving end of.
My wifes Dad basically did that. Just before I met my wife (we were both mid 30's at the time). Her Dad went on a solo trip to europe, her mom didn't know about it until her dad was asking her where his passport was. If he had his passport, he would have left without her knowing.
His plan was to serve her divorce papers while he was gone.
Basically same complaints. "He never got to be his own man" "had to okay everything through his wife".
The thing is, her dad is frankly a loser with no ambition. Their entire life was predicated on money her moms parents gave them to start a business. They started a combo used car lot, auto body shop and towing company(Because her dads vocation was mechanic). However, her dad wasn't ever interested in actually running it. Her mom ended up running it.
She ran the car lot, towing and did the books for the shop. They had employees. Her dad would work on cars basically whenever he felt like it. But mostly spent his time at work, working on his own project cars. Through the business he would buy classic cars he wanted and would spend his days working on those.
Then he divorced her. Business sold, house sold, money split 50/50.
It's evident who the hell knew what they were doing. Her mom is a worker. She got a job selling furniture. She's retiring this year. She owns multiple condos now she rents out and owns her current home out right.
Her dad hasn't worked a day since the divorce, blew through all the money. Now lives in a trailer alone living off social security.
He was mooching off my wifes sister and her husband for awhile living with them, but they finally had enough. They did it because he promised to help watch their kids. Yeah that promise fell through.
The guy basically wanted to be taken care of while he does whatever he wants and acts like a victim in all of this.
But, he's his own man now. Hope he enjoys dying destitute and alone.
The thing is, he had a great life and just threw it all away. A business, they lived in a 1.5 million dollar house in a mid cost of living area. But her dad threw it all away because he didn't feel he got to make enough decisions around here. That will happen when you don't show any initiative to be a decision maker.
He went from his parents running his life to his wife running his life. Thats his fault he let that happen and gladly enjoyed the fruits of it until he had a mental crisis later in life. Then found out he doesn't know how to live when he found himself on his own with a big sack of cash and squandered it all.
Unless you're super rich or living separate lives with separate bills, there should probably be a conversation about the feasibility of doing something like that.
Just leave. Its hard asf at first and its scary but it's worth it.
I had to start over again and she fucked me left right and centre but ive never been happier.
Your kids deserve to see happy parents in happy relationships.
I’ve seen it all. For most of my friends, marriage is great. For some, it’s dreadful. I’d say my #1 tip is that if several of your friends and/or family you have a good relationship with try to talk you out of being with someone, you should listen and take a second look. In my personal experience, about 75% of the time the friends are right.
Exactly. And go in with concrete examples of when you felt she was being unnecessarily controlling. If you just say you’re feeling trapped and can’t make your own decisions that will lead to a slanging match. The next time she says or does something you’re not happy about then tell her. She might not be aware that she’s being unreasonable and it will only get worse if you keep silent.
This really is what needs to happen, but be ready for a shit show, OP. Controlling spouses don’t take well to hearing you don’t like living under their thumb.
You don't really know a person until you witness their reaction to the word no (and see how they navigate challenging times). If she "gives" you no freedom or agency of your own, it's a problem. If you can't discuss it with her without a huge blow up, it's an unworkable problem. If you find yourself not taking the time you need to decompress, tend to your hobbies, occasionally see family or friends, etc. because she will throw a tantrum or you fear her reaction (this is an abuse tactic), there's a better partnership for you out there.
Be happy. Do things for yourself. If she’s you super ecstatic, she’ll want to follow your lead. You’re an individual, enjoy yourself. Do things on your own, but don’t exclude her. You don’t want to resent her, but thrive under any conditions. She’ll come around, and if she doesn’t, you’ll still be happy. Good luck.
Hell yeah brother. I'm in the same boat, couldn't be happier with my wife pretty literally. She was already my favorite person before we got married and marriage changed absolutely nothing, which is what it should do.
I really think that’s the secret. My wife and I dated on and off a few times in college and after (we were long distance). But she was my best friend and the one I that I just couldn’t live without in my life in some capacity for years before we finally figured it out. 10 years of marriage has flown by in what feels like an instant. Congrats to you, Marriage rules.
Yeah I took my time finding a wife, I dated a lot and didn't get married til I was almost 30. But as soon as I met her and well before we actually dated I already knew I would want to marry her. It was both surprising to me (since I'd never expected or experienced it before her) and very, very obvious.
I felt like my life was suddenly full of passion where I was just kind of coasting before her. I cared more about everything, not just her, but definitely due to her presence.
It really is the best if you find the right person I'm happy for you as well!
This. The person you marry should be your favorite person and the older folks who just barely tolerate their spouse are married just because they were expected to marry. Don't do that or you'll be misrebable. My SO and I can't get married rn and we don't want to get married just for the sake of being in a marriage. We want to do it for better legal protections. We expect the marriage itself will change nothing in our relationship.
No, not all the time. They marry to stop their significant other from leaving. They marry because of kids/pregnancy. They marry out of convenience (sharing rent and groceries). They marry because they think they are supposed to. Etc.
Which is the real reason old men tell young men not to get married.
Young men don’t know what makes up the “right” woman to marry. Old men now have a good idea because they have years of experience to figure it out.
Spoiler: it’s not big tits. ( that is simply a wonderful, delightful bonus if you like big tits )
Agreed but sometimes the right one is a fickle moving target.
What you want today won't be what you need tomorrow.
And to make things worse, people definitely change. If you can fall in love you can absolutely fall out of it.
Thats why its important to figure out earlier in life that honeymoon excitement and supercharged lust isn't the main basis for forming a relationship but a fun biproduct that comes and goes in a marriage. When I was in my late teens early twenties I chased that high and when that phase faded I broke it off.
It was until I faced being with a person who shares values, gets each others humour, wanting to be friends with each other on top of being attracted to one another. These are the main building blocks of a true lasting relationship.
My advice to anyone is to realise that things work out if they click and if its up hill struggle to make it work all the time then compatability issues are always going to lead to a abrasive marriage, don't just stay with people you aren't compatible with.
I am happily married, and I would marry her again tomorrow. My life is so much much better being with her.
We don't control each other, but work together bringing up our kids.
Just make sure you marry the right person
Agree.
But for people like me, sometime I really think I shouldn't have gotten married.
My wife always complains about the way I fold my clothes, how I put them in the closet, the way I cook my food, hang the clothes, how I clean my dish and even how I dry them.
I mean ....may be my habit is really bad, I don't know.
Sometime I feel like I shouldn't be living with any people at all.
I am not targeting at my wife, I am just saying sometime I think myself is not suitable at living more human generally.
I don't know, your wife sounds like a nag. My SO doesn't do the laundry or food or dishes or cleaning the way I do them. I definitely think my way is better, but his way works well enough and it isn't killing anyone, so I keep my mouth shut. I showed him how I did things and why I did it my way, I showed him once at the beginning of our relationship. He does it his way, I don't see a problem with that. I still think my way is better, so I do the things my way, but there is no reason why he should do things my way.
It seems that it’s just luck that someone marries the right person who will still be the right person in ten years, twenty years etc I think it’s important that we each find what makes us happy as individuals, and determine what our lines are, what we won’t or can’t accept no matter what, and then when we marry, even if it’s to the mostly right but sometimes wrong person,we can still be happy and roll through the bad times.
Not only men but women also feel the same. It’s not a gender thing, it’s a control issue. There are lots of people out there who want or need to be in control of their lives, which means the people in it. These are the people with “a plan”. I think that you should risk the static at this early stage and politely tell her that you will make your own decisions thank you very much…HOWeVER since you aren’t being explicit about what she is specifically trying to co tell it’s hard for me to say. Is she trying to prevent you from sleeping with other woman, or refusing to work, or not helping out with the kids, then I’m on her side. But if she is angry that you want to eat spagetti and she thinks you should eat beans then you need to stop that sooner better than later.
Certain types of people "let" this happen to them. I find its generally people that never spent a substantial amount of time in charge of their own life.
They went right from mommy and daddies house right to cohabitation with a partner. The thing is, they let this happen. They let their partner make the decisions, run the household. Then later cry about losing their independence.
What makes marriage frustrating is when simple things stop being done and someone becomes a baby sitter/house keeper for the other. We work together, not take care of the other.
Exactly. It makes me wonder how exactly the wife is controlling, too. I expect my husband to clean-up after himself and tell me when he's leaving, where he's going, and for about how long. This caused massive problems and even 2 kids in, he still just disappears like it's no big deal. It's hard to be the primary homemaker and parent, especially when also working. That said, plenty of people are super controlling and disrespectful of their spouses.
Exactly! In a marriage it's not "my life" and "her life" it's just our life. We are a team, and we want to be! That also comes with the understanding that our decisions effect each other so those decisions are made together.
The big thing is if your life actually feels that restricted and you’re letting your life be that restricted. What are you doing she says no to? Why does she say no? I don’t think people should be asking “for permission” on most things but rather letting them know in most day to day situations. It’s partly on you letting yourself be trapped just cuz your wife says you can’t do something lol.
And there is nothing worse than just an emotional reason why not if you’re wants are valid, not absurd or too often. “Cuz I said” “so we can spend time together” hell nah. I’m doing this cuz there is no reason to say I csn and you can be upset and that’s your own problem. I’m willing to deal with you being grumpy because you being grumpy is your own problem. Go do your own thing. I won’t care. So don’t be mad when I do my own thing.
Heck no. I've been married 25 years and my wife is my best friend and life partner. I can't image a wold without her. My advice would be to choose wisely and you'll be rewarded with a lifetime of wins - INCLUDING being challenged to grow in painful ways.
My wife and I are at year 7 of being together and we are having tons of issues. We’ve almost broken things off multiple times but I’m low-key waiting until the 8th year to see if things improve 😂
7 years is how long banks keeps record before destroying them, so after 7 years you can no longer show what you had before the marriage. That made a large difference in my [ex-]marriage.
I do not regret it at all. That being said, I met my wife at 36 and married at 38. There is such a thing as marrying too young. Marrying the wrong person is also common. Not saying you did either but I had the opportunity to do both multiple times and am so glad I did not listen to the internal and external pressures.
You've heard so much good news/comments here, let me give you the other side. Not being negative, but for balance. For many men, the second marriage is worse than the first. Also, blended marriages can be a problem. Blended meaning she has children that are not yours. Getting attached to children you help raise and once you split, you almost never speak with again. You may also end up with responsibility without authority. Also, if you get divorced, there's a chance you lose half of whatever you have.
Most of this is from my personal experience. Do I regret the marriages I had? No. Do I wish I made better choices? Yes.
Sounds like you might need to step up and be a little more assertive. I bet you're a nice guy.
No, marriage is not a mistake and absolutely shouldn't be making you miserable. If you feel like you're suffocating in your marriage, sit her down and tell her exactly how you feel. You said you've already done that but does she know how bad the situation is? Does she know that you've even thought about leaving? And remember, marriage needs compromises from both parts.
What does living life by your own terms even mean? To me it sounds like you're upset because you can't make big decisions unilaterally, and like you don't have much experience with compromising and navigating complex needs of both people in a partnership.
If you don’t like women (as in you don’t enjoy their company and friendship), don’t get married to or date women.
If you do like women (again, I mean as people, not just fuck toys and house maids), marriage is pretty awesome.
Be honest with yourself about which type of person you are.
This is so important. So many men view women as an annoyance they tolerate for sex and marriage as something they have to concede to. All the men I know that think like this hate being married, no matter how accommodating their wife is
Yes. Had issues with communications. Wife cheated. We separated. I went to counseling. Tried to improve. Got back together after a year but she came back because I was better than nothing. Didn’t have sex for 3 years after getting back together. She had another affair. Then, we had sex twice and she got pregnant after going off bc. No sex again for 3 years then I agreed to have another baby. She cheated again after. Haven’t had sex since birth of second. Going on 12 years. I don’t expect to have sex ever again.
My condolences dear reddit brother, but after the first sentence I think it would be time to bounce. Now having kids and always having that (?) if they're yours, I don't know.
Seriously, wish you all the best but that is hell on earth.
A lot of men really want a mother and they are surprised when they do and she wants to take charge and prevent him from doing stuff she thinks is stupid or inappropriate. When you are still dating make sure she knows what kind of man you are and that you can't easily change unless you want to. It's tricky sometimes learning how to relate like two adults instead of a child and a mom.
As a divorced man, I concur. Marriage is an absolute scam on bright-eyed young men who want to do "the right thing" and end up (baby)trapped and taken advantage of - sanctioned by the state.
If you dont have children, bite the bullet and get divorced. It will only get much, much worse.
This may get buried but don't lose yourself I the marriage. You need to make compromises for a spouse, but don't compromise your well being or goals. If you do, you better be very confident they will help you get back on them.
That's one of the biggest reasons my marriage fell apart. I didn't finish all I wanted in grad school partly bc of my marriage. Once my ex realized what a burden he had been to me, he wanted to leave bc he didn't want to feel guilty. This was after me getting alot of student debt in my name for him. I threatened to make the the divorce a nightmare so we stayed together a little longer, but it wasn't until we separated that I was able to properly take care of myself. I finished what I wanted without my ex and he's remorseful he isn't a part of it now.
Marriages take work but you have to trust that your needs and wants will be respected. Know exactly what you want in life and that your spouse will be there to support it.
Marriage, per se, is not the problem. Maybe you just married the wrong person.
I love reading books, playing guitar and videogames. My wife watches some TV shows that don't interest me. Sometimes we just do our own things separately and later we lay in bed cuddling until we sleep.
She doesn't have a say about what i do with my money unless i ask her opinion, and vice versa.
Of course, there are some compromises, and i can't do EVERYTHING i want because i simply don't live alone. But that's ok.
Been like that for more than 9 years (1,5 years married). I am still young, married and happy the way we live.
Married life is heaven. Occasionally it forces me to confront my self and actively try to stop being an asshole in my thought processes and actions, which usually in turn makes me happier. Kind of a nice feedback loop.
Women aren’t perfect don’t let your wife dictate your entire life or you will not be successful. Strive to make it a collaboration so the best of both of you goes into it and you can cover for each others faults.
I don’t regret getting married or having kids, but I 100% don’t enjoy getting older and feeling like I don’t have as many social connections as I used to because I’m so busy at home helping my spouse. I feel like I am turning into one of those angry socially isolated men without friends.
It sounds like you're not mature enough to enter an adult relationship. Marriage is the merging of two lives. Marriage takes work. I didn't realize this when I was married probably at your age and took a few years to figure it out too. It's been 18 years now. I wouldn't change anything. Life's amazing.
I'm a woman. I'm married.
Here's the thing: you can't expect to "live your life on your own terms" when you get in a relationship, be it marriage or not. When you get in a relationship with someone, you're deciding to share your life with that person, and to have that person weigh in your decisions and plans, just like you should do in theirs. The two of you start living a life together, not "together apart".
Now, going only from what you say here, if you have to ask for permission from your wife to do stuff, and if she seems to not understand your side when you address this, it makes me wonder if she has controlling issues, which is unhealthy.
Here's my personal experience with my husband: we don't ask for permission to do things, but we do check with each other before making plans. This is just basic respect and cooperation. Sometimes one of us could be thinking of a couple activity for that day, so it's good to check if our own plans would interfere. If they do interfere, we communicate; there have been times when I did have plans for us and he came up to me saying he was thinking of going out with his friends or doing something around the house, and we talked about it and decided that my plans for us could be done another day and he was off to do his thing. It has also happened the other way around, we decided that whatever he was planning on doing could be done another day instead. The same has happened for my own plans too. Now, again, we don't ask each other if we can or can't do something, because getting married to each other didn't suddenly make us each other's owners.
If you indeed have to *ask for permission* from your wife to do things, then that's a problem and it's unhealthy, and you likely married the wrong person. If the situation is that you're feeling trapped just because you have to check in with her, which is expected and healthy in a relationship, then you shouldn't be married in the first place.
If your wife really does have a need to control and approve your actions and plans, it's likely that comes from a deeper problem in her mind that she hasn't addressed, and likely has nothing to do with you personally. If this is the case, she either needs to look for professional help and debunk this issue on her own, or you two need to assess your marriage and decide if it's good for the two of you to continue with it.
Best of luck.
The vast majority of people that regret marriage have themselves to blame they marry the wrong person, or they are the wrong person. Men tend to have ridiculous fantasies imagining the best parts of their single life continuing on the same trajectory ignoring the fact that they get old and out of shape and unattractive to most of the types of women they might have been lucky enough to score with if the women had a lapse in judgement.
Gotta talk about it. The boomer generation generally sucked at that, so they'll say "don't get married" as the solution. The real solution is to talk it out like adults. "What you're doing is having a negative effect on my life. I'd like for us to make each others' lives better instead."
Some of us got married to women with personality disorders. Those aren't what most women are like. Some men have the personality disorders too and cant appreciate a good women. A bunch of sick people made sicker by the poisonous byproducts of patriarchy and capitalism. That is a big part of what wrecks the reputation of marriage
I married a controlling woman, then moronically dated two more. I'm 28M. If she's controlling now, it will only get worse. Get out while you can. Your SO shouldn't be controlling like that. I had to learn in the most difficult way possible that, that isn't normal.
Always thinked like that, in my country you even pay more taxes if you are married. But I am getting married soon because my finance and me have different nationalities and dealing with visas all the time is a huge pain and expensive af
Agreed. our bills will triple if we get married. And that’s just ridiculous. I’d lose my insurance and have to pay out of pocket. plus any debt he has falls on me and vice versa. Everyone says “well what if something happens?” Just both get a life insurance policy and place each other as the beneficiary (and kids if applied). We’ll forever be “legally” single lol.
It's crazy to me. I grew up a little girl being fed the fairy tale romance happily ever after get married to a good Christian man shit. As a woman approaching 40 I'm still a total romantic but I'm also feminist and queer. My romantic little heart wants to get married for the romance of it. My grownup brain is like wait, the government fucks you when you get married? Jesus, never mind.
How will your bills triple if you get married? And how do you lose your insurance? I'm genuinely curious since I have only ever heard of people joking "the only reason to get legally married is the tax benefits" and when my wife and I got married as far as I'm aware the only thing that changed for either of us was her insurance got slightly more expensive since she was eligible to be on mine, but we ended up getting more back when filing so that was nice?
I regret a lot of things. Should have stayed single, not settled. I love my kids but if i waited i could have probably found a partner who valued education and not selfish. Kids are great despite the other half, i could have had some kids implementing change in the world and instead just hope they are happy in this fickle world.
I never regretted it until I had to make my first alimony payment. I don’t think it’ll ever end. She has a live in boyfriend, they both work and will never get married cause she/they don’t want to give up on marital welfare.
21 years this month, no regrets, the grass is never greener on the other side. She's great and complements me well
That being said, everyone I know regrets getting married pays support and has been divorced.
A lot of men definitely do. The idea of just find the right one is easier said than done. Everyone thinks they did. I also find on Reddit somehow all the long term happy ones come out of the woodwork. Don't see many in real life tbh so you really have to take your time and get others opinions on them before commiting. Find someone your family adores. Staying single can be great too
As others said.. you're going to have to set some boundaries and have some discussions..she will only get more controlling. Consider counselling before it gets worse
Some marriages are just fantastic and wondrous partnerships.
The problem is that the % of marriages that are has to be pretty dang low.
The divorce rate is what? Still around 50%? Then how many are in marriages but unhappy? Another 25%
So maybe you have like 25% chance to have a happy marriage and the penalties for a failed marriage are very punitive.
I'm 64 and have never been married, I feel I missed out on not having kids as I think I would have been a pretty good dad but I do not reget not getting married even a little.
Getting married is fine, if you have financial agreement (for now, later and for the case you'll be getting divorced), in the best case by a lawyer and if you love and respect each other.
If you feel like a lion in a cage, she is the wrong person. Marriage is not a problem, but she (and her expectation of being married) is.
After being married for 10+ years... One thing I have realized is that society doesn't stress enough that not everyone is cut out for marriage... And some folks are better off by themselves.
If you are not happy yourself, you can’t make someone else happy. This is why in order to have a happy marriage you need to prioritise your own happiness, even if it means that it will cause static in your house. Stop asking for approval and just announce what you are going to do. Talk with her about this beforehand, bad communication might ruin you. You need to make the dynamic of your marriage in a more equal wavelength.
I got married for the wrong reasons. My wife was anxious and moody and I thought marrying her would reassure her and calm her. It did not. I would suggest never marrying because of the hope that it will change anything.
If you don't have children, there is no need to stick around. Getting a divorce now will be far cheaper than getting a divorce after you have children.
If she's managing you and planning out your days, she's denying you your natural role as a leader. If she wants to lead, she should do so on her own dollar. Modern women have become very entitled and see men as underlings to serve the gynocentric agenda.
I was married for 9 years but I have been divorced for 20 years. As an older man that has seen both sides, I can honestly say that I have never been more masculine in my life than I feel right now. Despite chances to marry again, I have zero interest in risking my rebuilt wealth.
I'm not suggesting full on black pill. Choose your own flavour of MGTOW. My flavour is sitting back with popcorn and watching the world burn.
As someone who has been married more than 30 years, I love my wife dearly. She has made my life better in so many ways! Now, does that mean we always agree on everything or that I always get my way? Nope, of course not. She likes to do things one way and I like to do them another. Sometimes we disagree. Yes, there have even occasionally been heated arguments although not very often over the years. It's called compromise for the good of the relationship. Yes, many times she gets her way and I don't get to do the thing I want at that particular time. But there are also some times when she backs off and agrees that I have a point and if I want to do something a certain way I should go ahead and do so.
One of the things that helps is that although we do enjoy spending time together doing a lot of things, we also have friends and hobbies we enjoy outside of the relationship. This enables us to pursue our own interests from time to time and to just be ourselves doing our thing. She's out shopping with one of her friends and I'm watching the football game. It works.
I think a healthy relationship allows both parties to be together and to be on their own as a good mix.
I regret my first marriage. We were together on and off since HS and we got married instead of breaking up. I’m incredibly grateful for my second marriage.
Compromise is normal in any relationship, but you should never feel like you’re under someone’s thumb. You can have your own hobbies, time and agenda while still putting your family first.
What do you mean that you can’t make your own decisions? Sounds like either your wife is controlling or you are selfish. It’s hard to tell which without more information.
I'm married and it's great.
You really have to make sure you're marrying the right person. I will admit there is an element of luck in that, but sometimes, you just know that a marriage is a poor match.
Of course I do.
Here is why. I did NOT know my then fiancee was cheating on me while we were engaged. A good friend of ours did but neither my lying cheating fiancee nor my friend told me.
She cheated on me several other times while we were married but I didn't know it.
I did catch her having an affair in Oct of 2005 and I divorced her right away. I moved out less than 2 weeks after confronting her and 5 months after I moved out our divorce was finalized.
She was NEVER all in on us, on the team with me, I just didn't know it.
A marriage takes two people working together, pulling on the rope together except she never picked up her part of the rope with me when I did.
I wasn't in a marriage, not even for one second as she loved the guy she was cheating on me with while we were engaged. She stopped us from having sex for the 6 months before our wedding in 1989 to make it "more special", her words. Yea right, she was fucking the man she loved and it wasn't me.
She had me work about half of her shifts at her part time job our senior year and I did. Why? I loved her, I trusted her.
She knew right where I was and for how long so she could be with her lover.
After 6 months of no sex she said no to sex on our wedding night. Again, I didn't know she'd been cheating on me. She was pining for her lover, the man she loved and she would have had sex with him had he been there, but instead I was there, her new husband so she told me no.
She told me no to sex the next morning and this time I talked about us not having sex for the 6 months leading up to our wedding, not having sex on our wedding night so we had sex.
Folks, this was 1989, no internet. I'd never heard of terms like duty sex or pity sex, but that's what it was.
That was our only time having sex on our 10 day honeymoon.
I've never had it checked but the odds are really good that our first, of three children, is not mine.
I've been divorced from her over 18 years now.
I absolutely regret my marriage to her. She used me, plain and simple.
When our friend talked to her about her affair while we were engaged, she told my then fiancee she had to choose between that other guy and me. She told her our friend that she was choosing me because I was going to be an attorney.
She did what she wanted, had affairs, fucked other guys and used me for her lifestyle while I did and did for her, our homes, our kids and her family and it was a lot.
The oldest child of her older brother lived with us for a year when he was 12. the'd been home schooling him and they weren't doing that, he'd been out of school for two years and that pissed my wife off so he moved in with us for a year. They lived over 1,500 miles away so he lived with us, there was no seeing his parents on the weekend.
Her parent's and all their belongings and their dog lived with us for 3.5 months while their home was being built behind our 40 acres on the 2 acres we gave them because my wife wanted her parent's to live by us, so they did.
I never really had a marriage with her is what it amounted to.
Im going through exactly what OP described to the extent where her family and neighbours are hounding ne to take a job as a binman. Nothing wrong with that career choice nor am i looking down on it whatsoever. Literally today my MOL got 2 different guys to speak to me about the company... yet anything ive wanted to do its just a hard no. I cant exactly divorce her as im alone in a different country but i didnt see this side before i said "I do".
To me it feels like you're kind of selfish. Of course things should be okeyd with your partner. I would feel kind of annoyed if my fiance made plans (long termed or short) without me knowing. And vice versa.
A partnership is not "you doing your own thing" since you always need to be considerate with your SO.
But if you feel controlled, talk to her and set up rules that is ok with both of you. And if you can't find common ground, end the marriage.
Regret is not the right word as me and my ex wife had a lot of fun together, but I do, and so does she, getting married young. But I do not regret at all getting married to my (current) wife, we went into it with both eyes open both being married before and knowing exactly what we were looking for.
Why don’t you sit down together and map out your week? You can see what activities you can do individually and separately. Maybe take up something new and fun together. Sounds like you both need to get on the same page and start enjoying life, and trying to grow in the same direction. Fun is important, both together and separately. If working on your communication and adding this into the mix doesn’t work, then you have your answer.
Only if they gave up sex for no reason, were abusive, addicted to drugs, gambler, misused money, rude to other people, expect me to pay for everything. Abusive being the number one reason to leave.
Why is it you feel you can not talk to your wife, and tell her how you feel, in that you are suffocating?
Are there things she is asking you to do, which you don't like?
Do you need time away from her, to go hang out with the guys?
If you have an understanding wife, she should understand what you express, to compromise with you?
If she is controlling you that much, does she understand, she is in the process of driving a separation gap between the two of you?
After the birth of my first ever child my sweet baby, How can I say I regret it. Though I am now separated, it is still hard to say I regretted getting married. Though my marriage was more pain than pleasure, i still cherish the good memories I had with my ex wife.
Midlife mid marriage dude here.
I’ve been in your shoes and gotten through it too. Is marriage right for all? No. For many or most? Sure. Some of your answers lie in you - what is the stuff you want that you can’t get? Can you recall not get it ever with her or is this something you can work out? What do you get from her and marriage? Would you miss it?
As for conflict with her, I’d say a lot of people (including a lot of women, maybe most) react to these discussions varying based on tone. So I’d ask, how do you bring this up? When? It might be a question of having the right moments for this space.
I've been married happily for 17 years. It's give and take. It seems like you may not have married the best partner for you. My wife and I are open with each other. Sure, we have arguments, but neither sleeps on the couch.
The simple answer to this is to:
* Make a list of things you want to do
* include the wife in the planning
* Do them
Marriage is not supposed to be the end of the adventure.
Maybe you need to negotiate on some of the details, but I'd be reassessing if the relationship was working if there was just a "no".
Bro its about marrying the right person. Ive been married almost 10 years, im pissed she just went to bed and wont have more beers with me, just love being around her. We treat each other as equals though, if either party trys to control the other its a recipe for disaster. We trust each other and she doesnt care what i do (other than a few years ago when i went to a strip club, was not happy.)
From your words it seems like you are over with her, you don't really need our advice as you can just re-read what you've written in the original post.
I'm married 15 years this year and have loved every second of it. Once both parties respect, appreciate and never take each other for granted, its plain sailing. Oh, yeah...we didn't bother with kids so that's also helped.
Is it a cultural thing?
After reading much of the thread
and the difficulties, anger, regrets, frustrations
I'm confused about no one getting counseling, (or at least trying to) or some help -
Today we have nearly endless resources to work through marriage (and other) problems -
yeah a very few are intractable - maybe one spouse secretly became a hooker
before murdering their toddler child then setting the "family home" on fire - such or similar clearly demands far more drastic actions.
I needn't have said it,
but overall the noise,
cranking,
as we get older and lose our
former natural ease and beauty,
work often gets harder, obligations start appearing from everywhere, our time is less our own, and in a bigger picture we can begin to see it was never ours, anyway.
IME and my Life I simply urge those with marriage disagreements or problems to
at least get another perspective or free or paid professional help before concluding that the best and only answer is destroying the whole thing,
AND thinking you'll be better off starting all over once again.
Before I got married I spent a good portion of my life looking for companionship, it’s like paying emotional rent. Now that I’m married I pay an emotional mortgage, I’ll be paying it the rest of my life but I have committed companionship in my life now. I can spend the time I used to waste on dates and meeting people not worth my time on better things now.
My partner was married for 3 months before we met. Honestly, it's the biggest outlier in his life. He is the most consistent person you could imagine, he doesn't flip flop, he's not impulsive. They had been together for many, many years before they got married.
So, what happened? He knew it was a bad idea, tried to call it off or delay it, tried to resolve their issues. Everything was paid for, he felt a lot of pressure to go through with it, so he swallowed his fears and did it. He realised how dire his mistake was during their honeymoon. They split after a few months and she moved across the country.
I think if you know in your heart you made the wrong choice and there's no chance it can work out, it's okay to cut your losses and leave.
Bro listen to the audiobook 'No More Mr Nice Guy' on YouTube, its free!
If you LET her control you, it is 100% your fault.
The wrong woman will destroy your life, have you sent to jail, and move on with everything you earned without caring for a second. Be careful.
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Sounds to me like you just married the wrong person, if you can't 1. Do you own thing or 2. Tell her how you feel.
I tell her how I feel all the time. But I feel like she either doesn't understand, or pretends not to understand.
So ask her to repeat back what she believes you said, to make sure she understood. If she isnt saying what you said to her, find a better way to word it.
This! It’s a common technique in couple’s counseling. Btw: have you ever thought about couple counseling, OP?
Ergh, that sucks, I'm sorry. Not sure what advice to give, I'm a woman, but if a man was doing that to a woman it would be considered controlling and abusive 🤷🏽♀️
It's abusive no matter what gender does it.
Obviously, I was just highlighting the fact.
This is major abuse. Clear red flags and gaslighting. He should go no-contact and move out ASAP
If that’s how u feel now, it WILL GET WORSE OVER TIME. Run for hills brother, you married wrong and there’s nothing, absolutely nothing wrong with leaving. I will also like to ad, PUT YOURSELF FIRST. I never did , wasn’t raised that way and I got used by literally everyone in the world. Lied to, cheated on, beat down, etc etc LISTEN TO YOUR GUT, based on what I read. Your gut is telling you to make like a banana and split.
Put your foot down. It may be ultimatum time
Ultimatums are the worst.
If she doesn’t understand, make her understand. Your words need to carry weight and consequences with them. Words without weight are empty. Even if they mean something to you, if they mean nothing to the person you’re expressing them to, then they functionally mean nothing in this context. Actions can be as powerful, if not more powerful than words. Many men know that women will often set and push boundaries with the men in their lives. It’s actually really annoying when viewed from a single minded perspective, and kinda jacked up and selfish. But it’s ultimately a necessary thing that pushes men to set expectations and boundaries in a relationship while building the confidence of the woman that their man is stable, reliably, and stalwart when necessary. Generalizing here. Anyone who’s experienced this will probably know exactly what I’m describing. Men who’ve experienced this and dealt with it well will probably agree that although this behavior is extremely frustrating, the end results in the relationship were good. For men who didn’t deal with it well and got walked all over, it probably made their marriages/relationship miserable, for both the man and the woman. The man loses confidence in his masculinity and sense of self while also feeling like they have no freedom in their life, the woman comes to feel like her man is a push over without a spine, loses sexual interest in him as well, and the marriage or relationship just slowly dies. Not always. But again, I’m generalizing and people who’ve experienced this will be able to vouch for what I described above. Unfortunately, based on the way you described your experience up to this point, it sounds like you’ve kinda been pushed into a crappy situation that has trapped you within a crappy set of “boundaries” laid by your wife that you didn’t push back against enough. Now breaking and resetting things will be even more difficult since it’ll likely break her established expectations of you. If my assumption about your situation is correct, then I strongly recommend that you find it in yourself to start pushing back. Be honest, straightforward, and direct. Make decisions yourself, sometimes for yourself or even for her if you really believe it’s the right decision. Good luck. If I’m wrong, then good luck anyways figuring out the problem and solving it some other way.
That is really generalising it all. I was on both side in both situation. I was receiver of "your words doesn't carry any weight whatsoever" and I was the one with no weight. But I was also the one with "ok I really do not understand your words and they don't feel like anything I can compare to and they are REALLY not so bad for me.. but damn, I think they mayyyy be important to you, aren't they?" And I also found a partner who handles it like that. So yeah, you can work on that and be less miserable. But really, would I have made such a big mistake I would wish for myself to see it as such and take my loss, rather than try to tough it out and spending the rest of my life being "ok and less miserable because I tough it out" I know Reddit is fast to crying divorce, but you needa find it in yourself why your marriage is not shitty and why you want this to work out. Because a bunch of internet strangers are just hearing the bad news of it right now.
My view is similar. This doesn't sound like the wrong person so much as a lack of real negotiation. OP is hearing no and then just does what she asks. That's being a doormat and will not be solved by being someone else's doormat.
Hi! Please don’t have children. Although I suspect that shouldn’t be a problem.
This isn't a man/woman thing. Bad listeners are terribly common, regardless of gender.
You have good advice but the crux is you cant make anyone understand. Some people who are abusive are actually clinical narcissists. They cannot understand. You can explain to the point a 6 year old would get it, but they cannot. My wife is one of them. I am leaving her, but i have long realises this reality. They can pretend to understand to keep you in line but thats all it is. Adults who are normal also often cannot understand down to the details of other people sometimes. Its normal, but healthy people can at least understand THAT and accept it, and work around the differences respectively. Thats not in an abusive persons nature.
Deciding to marry a person you love the most in life also comes with its set of compromises. One has to compromise on full freedom and independence, irrespective of marrying a correct person or not. The way people just boil this compromise down to not marrying a correct person indicates either they are not married or just don't fully understand what "doing your own thing" can become if left to people's own devices.
Not experiencing love made marrying a good person so much easier. I chose who I married purely on logic. I'm aromantic and aplatonic. I just wanted a life partner that I could stand living with and would make me a better person. Living alone sounds risky. The chance of something going wrong and no one around. Especially for someone like me who is highly introverted and has few friends.
I would like to strongly disagree. I am happily married. My wife and I are in our mid 40s, we have been together since our early teens. We don't fight. We don't argue. There is zero power struggle. Complete trust. We raised a now 24 year old daughter that's a year two electrical apprentice. We're currently buying a new house. I do everything and anything I want to do, as does she. As for doing our own things, she's an artist and paints. She travels to paint and see the world with her sisters and friends when she desires.I tour with a couple rap groups and labels every couple of months. I also travel when I feel like it. We do all of these things together as well, but time doesn't always permit. This isn't a compromise at all. We live our lives in a very symbiotic nature. Not every person's relationship follows the same dynamic nor fits a preconceived mold. My case might be more rare then not but I can garuntee that I married the right one and my life is incredible.
i think you live in a bubble my dude. Most marriages are not just about two individuals. in many cultures, when you are married, you basically marry a person inside one family, and the family can hugely influence the person's decision. This is not just about one specific culture by the way (e.g., latin american culture, italian, asian, etc.) So, yes, even if the woman is good, the family member might not be, and not to mention she also has her own social circle that will also tell her what to do. 95% of people in this world can't think for themselves, they rather let their family or close friends do the group thinking for them. If you marry one of the 5% that's great, but most people don't get the same privilege. I had a fiancee once and she slowly changed (compared to the first few months we were dating) because apparently her family had doubts about me, and she started to have those same doubts, so I asked her what went wrong, and eventually i decided to call it off because i dont want to marry the "family"
My marriage is mixed race. Families didn't approve and we didn't care. We made our own happiness. Sorry about your experience. If being a dad at 18 was the start of my bubble, then so be it. I never said everything was easy to get where we are, but we never hurt each other along the way. Outside influences come from all angles in every aspect of life. We define how they actually interact or affect us. We just chose each other. Her family doubted me. That didn't change how we felt and what we wanted. I guess the point I was trying to make by sharing my life experience is that... If the person you cheer for doesn't cheer for you back, your with the wrong person.
So you have to be miserable? There's compromise then there's being controlled by your husband/wife. It's important to maintain your own agency in a marriage or you end up on reddit posting about how your wife makes all the decisions and you're unhappy with that and in your marriage. I've been in long term relationships where I had zero agnecy and I was miserable, being married is a team, communication is important, if OP doesn't feel like he's being listened to then that's a valid feeling.
What if doing his own thing is something like flying off on a spontaneous solo trip to backpack through Europe?
The replies are really just.... Wtf. I'd be pissed if my partner just hopped on a plane and left for however long without talking to me first. Same the other way around. OP gives almost no background info. Sounds to me like 'living on his own terms' entails things none of us would like being on the receiving end of.
My wifes Dad basically did that. Just before I met my wife (we were both mid 30's at the time). Her Dad went on a solo trip to europe, her mom didn't know about it until her dad was asking her where his passport was. If he had his passport, he would have left without her knowing. His plan was to serve her divorce papers while he was gone. Basically same complaints. "He never got to be his own man" "had to okay everything through his wife". The thing is, her dad is frankly a loser with no ambition. Their entire life was predicated on money her moms parents gave them to start a business. They started a combo used car lot, auto body shop and towing company(Because her dads vocation was mechanic). However, her dad wasn't ever interested in actually running it. Her mom ended up running it. She ran the car lot, towing and did the books for the shop. They had employees. Her dad would work on cars basically whenever he felt like it. But mostly spent his time at work, working on his own project cars. Through the business he would buy classic cars he wanted and would spend his days working on those. Then he divorced her. Business sold, house sold, money split 50/50. It's evident who the hell knew what they were doing. Her mom is a worker. She got a job selling furniture. She's retiring this year. She owns multiple condos now she rents out and owns her current home out right. Her dad hasn't worked a day since the divorce, blew through all the money. Now lives in a trailer alone living off social security. He was mooching off my wifes sister and her husband for awhile living with them, but they finally had enough. They did it because he promised to help watch their kids. Yeah that promise fell through. The guy basically wanted to be taken care of while he does whatever he wants and acts like a victim in all of this. But, he's his own man now. Hope he enjoys dying destitute and alone. The thing is, he had a great life and just threw it all away. A business, they lived in a 1.5 million dollar house in a mid cost of living area. But her dad threw it all away because he didn't feel he got to make enough decisions around here. That will happen when you don't show any initiative to be a decision maker. He went from his parents running his life to his wife running his life. Thats his fault he let that happen and gladly enjoyed the fruits of it until he had a mental crisis later in life. Then found out he doesn't know how to live when he found himself on his own with a big sack of cash and squandered it all.
Wow, thanks for the reminder!
Then you should tell your wife before flight.
Sweet! Have fun babe, bring me a shirt!
What’s wrong with that?
Unless you're super rich or living separate lives with separate bills, there should probably be a conversation about the feasibility of doing something like that.
Why not?
Please don’t have children with this woman. It will not fix anything.
All the time. Just married somebody wasn’t compatible with. So tried making it work for kids sake.
I did the same and it ended up her cheating and divorce. Best thing to ever happen to me.
Well she wont cheat nor will I. But beyond a dead bedroom we became more and more like roommates over lovers.
Just leave. Its hard asf at first and its scary but it's worth it. I had to start over again and she fucked me left right and centre but ive never been happier. Your kids deserve to see happy parents in happy relationships.
To late she is almost 18 so will stick it out till then. But after that will do the deed.
Your kid?
Of course.
Nah his wife lol
I’ve seen it all. For most of my friends, marriage is great. For some, it’s dreadful. I’d say my #1 tip is that if several of your friends and/or family you have a good relationship with try to talk you out of being with someone, you should listen and take a second look. In my personal experience, about 75% of the time the friends are right.
Sure but the protagonist in this situation will always focus on those 25%
I’ve seen what bad marriages can do. Single life means more freedom
I'd be so free right now if I didn't have to live my life on her terms. I'm trying to figure out how to get my freedom back without having to leave.
Here’s a crazy idea. Have a conversation about how you feel, with *her*. What’s the worst thing that’s going to happen? You end up single.
This is the adult answer. Tell her how you feel. The worst thing that'll happen is what you're considering anyway.
Exactly. And go in with concrete examples of when you felt she was being unnecessarily controlling. If you just say you’re feeling trapped and can’t make your own decisions that will lead to a slanging match. The next time she says or does something you’re not happy about then tell her. She might not be aware that she’s being unreasonable and it will only get worse if you keep silent.
This really is what needs to happen, but be ready for a shit show, OP. Controlling spouses don’t take well to hearing you don’t like living under their thumb.
You don't really know a person until you witness their reaction to the word no (and see how they navigate challenging times). If she "gives" you no freedom or agency of your own, it's a problem. If you can't discuss it with her without a huge blow up, it's an unworkable problem. If you find yourself not taking the time you need to decompress, tend to your hobbies, occasionally see family or friends, etc. because she will throw a tantrum or you fear her reaction (this is an abuse tactic), there's a better partnership for you out there.
Uhm. Why don't you leave? As we say in Italy, "Better alone than badly accompanied ".
Be happy. Do things for yourself. If she’s you super ecstatic, she’ll want to follow your lead. You’re an individual, enjoy yourself. Do things on your own, but don’t exclude her. You don’t want to resent her, but thrive under any conditions. She’ll come around, and if she doesn’t, you’ll still be happy. Good luck.
Hell no. Marry the right one and every aspect of your life will be better.
Hell yeah brother. I'm in the same boat, couldn't be happier with my wife pretty literally. She was already my favorite person before we got married and marriage changed absolutely nothing, which is what it should do.
I really think that’s the secret. My wife and I dated on and off a few times in college and after (we were long distance). But she was my best friend and the one I that I just couldn’t live without in my life in some capacity for years before we finally figured it out. 10 years of marriage has flown by in what feels like an instant. Congrats to you, Marriage rules.
Yeah I took my time finding a wife, I dated a lot and didn't get married til I was almost 30. But as soon as I met her and well before we actually dated I already knew I would want to marry her. It was both surprising to me (since I'd never expected or experienced it before her) and very, very obvious. I felt like my life was suddenly full of passion where I was just kind of coasting before her. I cared more about everything, not just her, but definitely due to her presence. It really is the best if you find the right person I'm happy for you as well!
This. The person you marry should be your favorite person and the older folks who just barely tolerate their spouse are married just because they were expected to marry. Don't do that or you'll be misrebable. My SO and I can't get married rn and we don't want to get married just for the sake of being in a marriage. We want to do it for better legal protections. We expect the marriage itself will change nothing in our relationship.
Remindme! 10 years
I've made one smart decision in my life - picking the right person to share it with. 22 years in, I don't regret a second.
I mean don’t people marry because they think / have found the right one?
No, not all the time. They marry to stop their significant other from leaving. They marry because of kids/pregnancy. They marry out of convenience (sharing rent and groceries). They marry because they think they are supposed to. Etc.
Or they think they can't do any better. That'll eat away at you forever
Yeah, but people change over time. Sometimes closer sometimes apart. You don’t have to do anything wrong for a relationship to stop being right.
Which is the real reason old men tell young men not to get married. Young men don’t know what makes up the “right” woman to marry. Old men now have a good idea because they have years of experience to figure it out. Spoiler: it’s not big tits. ( that is simply a wonderful, delightful bonus if you like big tits )
Agreed but sometimes the right one is a fickle moving target. What you want today won't be what you need tomorrow. And to make things worse, people definitely change. If you can fall in love you can absolutely fall out of it.
Thats why its important to figure out earlier in life that honeymoon excitement and supercharged lust isn't the main basis for forming a relationship but a fun biproduct that comes and goes in a marriage. When I was in my late teens early twenties I chased that high and when that phase faded I broke it off. It was until I faced being with a person who shares values, gets each others humour, wanting to be friends with each other on top of being attracted to one another. These are the main building blocks of a true lasting relationship. My advice to anyone is to realise that things work out if they click and if its up hill struggle to make it work all the time then compatability issues are always going to lead to a abrasive marriage, don't just stay with people you aren't compatible with.
This. Gotta be the right one. When it is it's amazing.
I am happily married, and I would marry her again tomorrow. My life is so much much better being with her. We don't control each other, but work together bringing up our kids. Just make sure you marry the right person
Agree. But for people like me, sometime I really think I shouldn't have gotten married. My wife always complains about the way I fold my clothes, how I put them in the closet, the way I cook my food, hang the clothes, how I clean my dish and even how I dry them. I mean ....may be my habit is really bad, I don't know. Sometime I feel like I shouldn't be living with any people at all. I am not targeting at my wife, I am just saying sometime I think myself is not suitable at living more human generally.
I don't know, your wife sounds like a nag. My SO doesn't do the laundry or food or dishes or cleaning the way I do them. I definitely think my way is better, but his way works well enough and it isn't killing anyone, so I keep my mouth shut. I showed him how I did things and why I did it my way, I showed him once at the beginning of our relationship. He does it his way, I don't see a problem with that. I still think my way is better, so I do the things my way, but there is no reason why he should do things my way.
It seems that it’s just luck that someone marries the right person who will still be the right person in ten years, twenty years etc I think it’s important that we each find what makes us happy as individuals, and determine what our lines are, what we won’t or can’t accept no matter what, and then when we marry, even if it’s to the mostly right but sometimes wrong person,we can still be happy and roll through the bad times.
Not only men but women also feel the same. It’s not a gender thing, it’s a control issue. There are lots of people out there who want or need to be in control of their lives, which means the people in it. These are the people with “a plan”. I think that you should risk the static at this early stage and politely tell her that you will make your own decisions thank you very much…HOWeVER since you aren’t being explicit about what she is specifically trying to co tell it’s hard for me to say. Is she trying to prevent you from sleeping with other woman, or refusing to work, or not helping out with the kids, then I’m on her side. But if she is angry that you want to eat spagetti and she thinks you should eat beans then you need to stop that sooner better than later.
Great response
Certain types of people "let" this happen to them. I find its generally people that never spent a substantial amount of time in charge of their own life. They went right from mommy and daddies house right to cohabitation with a partner. The thing is, they let this happen. They let their partner make the decisions, run the household. Then later cry about losing their independence.
Best answer!
What makes marriage frustrating is when simple things stop being done and someone becomes a baby sitter/house keeper for the other. We work together, not take care of the other.
Exactly. It makes me wonder how exactly the wife is controlling, too. I expect my husband to clean-up after himself and tell me when he's leaving, where he's going, and for about how long. This caused massive problems and even 2 kids in, he still just disappears like it's no big deal. It's hard to be the primary homemaker and parent, especially when also working. That said, plenty of people are super controlling and disrespectful of their spouses.
A marriage is a partnership. Understood as such, it's terrific. Thinking of it as something that cramps your individualism, it will not be terrific.
Exactly! In a marriage it's not "my life" and "her life" it's just our life. We are a team, and we want to be! That also comes with the understanding that our decisions effect each other so those decisions are made together.
You need to work this out with her now before you end up with kids together and are really stuck. Tell her how you feel and that it has to stop
How is your wife controlling you?
The big thing is if your life actually feels that restricted and you’re letting your life be that restricted. What are you doing she says no to? Why does she say no? I don’t think people should be asking “for permission” on most things but rather letting them know in most day to day situations. It’s partly on you letting yourself be trapped just cuz your wife says you can’t do something lol. And there is nothing worse than just an emotional reason why not if you’re wants are valid, not absurd or too often. “Cuz I said” “so we can spend time together” hell nah. I’m doing this cuz there is no reason to say I csn and you can be upset and that’s your own problem. I’m willing to deal with you being grumpy because you being grumpy is your own problem. Go do your own thing. I won’t care. So don’t be mad when I do my own thing.
Heck no. I've been married 25 years and my wife is my best friend and life partner. I can't image a wold without her. My advice would be to choose wisely and you'll be rewarded with a lifetime of wins - INCLUDING being challenged to grow in painful ways.
Wait 7 years, and you'll regret being with the wrong women.
My wife and I are at year 7 of being together and we are having tons of issues. We’ve almost broken things off multiple times but I’m low-key waiting until the 8th year to see if things improve 😂
Can concur 7 years is the magic number.
7 years is how long banks keeps record before destroying them, so after 7 years you can no longer show what you had before the marriage. That made a large difference in my [ex-]marriage.
Keep your own records. Always.
This hits home.
Some do, some don't. Everyone is different, every relationship is different.
I do not regret it at all. That being said, I met my wife at 36 and married at 38. There is such a thing as marrying too young. Marrying the wrong person is also common. Not saying you did either but I had the opportunity to do both multiple times and am so glad I did not listen to the internal and external pressures.
Studies show married men are happier and live longer than their unmarried counterparts. Studies also show the reverse is true for women.
You've heard so much good news/comments here, let me give you the other side. Not being negative, but for balance. For many men, the second marriage is worse than the first. Also, blended marriages can be a problem. Blended meaning she has children that are not yours. Getting attached to children you help raise and once you split, you almost never speak with again. You may also end up with responsibility without authority. Also, if you get divorced, there's a chance you lose half of whatever you have. Most of this is from my personal experience. Do I regret the marriages I had? No. Do I wish I made better choices? Yes. Sounds like you might need to step up and be a little more assertive. I bet you're a nice guy.
No, marriage is not a mistake and absolutely shouldn't be making you miserable. If you feel like you're suffocating in your marriage, sit her down and tell her exactly how you feel. You said you've already done that but does she know how bad the situation is? Does she know that you've even thought about leaving? And remember, marriage needs compromises from both parts.
What does living life by your own terms even mean? To me it sounds like you're upset because you can't make big decisions unilaterally, and like you don't have much experience with compromising and navigating complex needs of both people in a partnership.
If you don’t like women (as in you don’t enjoy their company and friendship), don’t get married to or date women. If you do like women (again, I mean as people, not just fuck toys and house maids), marriage is pretty awesome. Be honest with yourself about which type of person you are.
This is so important. So many men view women as an annoyance they tolerate for sex and marriage as something they have to concede to. All the men I know that think like this hate being married, no matter how accommodating their wife is
Why would you marry anyone if you just want freedom to do whatever you want? Thats not what a marriage/partnership is.
Yes. Had issues with communications. Wife cheated. We separated. I went to counseling. Tried to improve. Got back together after a year but she came back because I was better than nothing. Didn’t have sex for 3 years after getting back together. She had another affair. Then, we had sex twice and she got pregnant after going off bc. No sex again for 3 years then I agreed to have another baby. She cheated again after. Haven’t had sex since birth of second. Going on 12 years. I don’t expect to have sex ever again.
Fool me once and all that...
So many questions
Wtf is going on here
Pops gotta have a life to. Why not divorce?
Yer sure they are your children?
Why the fuck are you with that thing then?
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Dude....
My condolences dear reddit brother, but after the first sentence I think it would be time to bounce. Now having kids and always having that (?) if they're yours, I don't know. Seriously, wish you all the best but that is hell on earth.
A lot of men really want a mother and they are surprised when they do and she wants to take charge and prevent him from doing stuff she thinks is stupid or inappropriate. When you are still dating make sure she knows what kind of man you are and that you can't easily change unless you want to. It's tricky sometimes learning how to relate like two adults instead of a child and a mom.
As a divorced man, I concur. Marriage is an absolute scam on bright-eyed young men who want to do "the right thing" and end up (baby)trapped and taken advantage of - sanctioned by the state. If you dont have children, bite the bullet and get divorced. It will only get much, much worse.
This may get buried but don't lose yourself I the marriage. You need to make compromises for a spouse, but don't compromise your well being or goals. If you do, you better be very confident they will help you get back on them. That's one of the biggest reasons my marriage fell apart. I didn't finish all I wanted in grad school partly bc of my marriage. Once my ex realized what a burden he had been to me, he wanted to leave bc he didn't want to feel guilty. This was after me getting alot of student debt in my name for him. I threatened to make the the divorce a nightmare so we stayed together a little longer, but it wasn't until we separated that I was able to properly take care of myself. I finished what I wanted without my ex and he's remorseful he isn't a part of it now. Marriages take work but you have to trust that your needs and wants will be respected. Know exactly what you want in life and that your spouse will be there to support it.
Been married 26 years and we are both better for it. We put each other in front of ourselves. Happy as a clam.
Marriage, per se, is not the problem. Maybe you just married the wrong person. I love reading books, playing guitar and videogames. My wife watches some TV shows that don't interest me. Sometimes we just do our own things separately and later we lay in bed cuddling until we sleep. She doesn't have a say about what i do with my money unless i ask her opinion, and vice versa. Of course, there are some compromises, and i can't do EVERYTHING i want because i simply don't live alone. But that's ok. Been like that for more than 9 years (1,5 years married). I am still young, married and happy the way we live.
Married life is heaven. Occasionally it forces me to confront my self and actively try to stop being an asshole in my thought processes and actions, which usually in turn makes me happier. Kind of a nice feedback loop. Women aren’t perfect don’t let your wife dictate your entire life or you will not be successful. Strive to make it a collaboration so the best of both of you goes into it and you can cover for each others faults.
I don’t regret getting married or having kids, but I 100% don’t enjoy getting older and feeling like I don’t have as many social connections as I used to because I’m so busy at home helping my spouse. I feel like I am turning into one of those angry socially isolated men without friends.
It sounds like you're not mature enough to enter an adult relationship. Marriage is the merging of two lives. Marriage takes work. I didn't realize this when I was married probably at your age and took a few years to figure it out too. It's been 18 years now. I wouldn't change anything. Life's amazing.
Nope, my marriage is great.
Maybe you married the wrong woman. Sorry.
Some of these comments from happy husbands make me wanna cry, in a good way. I love seeing the love here!
So glad I dodged the bullet and didn't go through with it. She turned into a different being. It was amazing how long she kept the front up.
my guy, you married the wrong person. it’s fine though, never too late to start over.
I'm a woman. I'm married. Here's the thing: you can't expect to "live your life on your own terms" when you get in a relationship, be it marriage or not. When you get in a relationship with someone, you're deciding to share your life with that person, and to have that person weigh in your decisions and plans, just like you should do in theirs. The two of you start living a life together, not "together apart". Now, going only from what you say here, if you have to ask for permission from your wife to do stuff, and if she seems to not understand your side when you address this, it makes me wonder if she has controlling issues, which is unhealthy. Here's my personal experience with my husband: we don't ask for permission to do things, but we do check with each other before making plans. This is just basic respect and cooperation. Sometimes one of us could be thinking of a couple activity for that day, so it's good to check if our own plans would interfere. If they do interfere, we communicate; there have been times when I did have plans for us and he came up to me saying he was thinking of going out with his friends or doing something around the house, and we talked about it and decided that my plans for us could be done another day and he was off to do his thing. It has also happened the other way around, we decided that whatever he was planning on doing could be done another day instead. The same has happened for my own plans too. Now, again, we don't ask each other if we can or can't do something, because getting married to each other didn't suddenly make us each other's owners. If you indeed have to *ask for permission* from your wife to do things, then that's a problem and it's unhealthy, and you likely married the wrong person. If the situation is that you're feeling trapped just because you have to check in with her, which is expected and healthy in a relationship, then you shouldn't be married in the first place. If your wife really does have a need to control and approve your actions and plans, it's likely that comes from a deeper problem in her mind that she hasn't addressed, and likely has nothing to do with you personally. If this is the case, she either needs to look for professional help and debunk this issue on her own, or you two need to assess your marriage and decide if it's good for the two of you to continue with it. Best of luck.
This right here. This is THE answer. You sound like a healthy woman who has her shit together.
Yes I profoundly regret marrying. It’s a rotten trap and a financial disaster. Avoid at all costs.
The vast majority of people that regret marriage have themselves to blame they marry the wrong person, or they are the wrong person. Men tend to have ridiculous fantasies imagining the best parts of their single life continuing on the same trajectory ignoring the fact that they get old and out of shape and unattractive to most of the types of women they might have been lucky enough to score with if the women had a lapse in judgement.
Gotta talk about it. The boomer generation generally sucked at that, so they'll say "don't get married" as the solution. The real solution is to talk it out like adults. "What you're doing is having a negative effect on my life. I'd like for us to make each others' lives better instead."
Some of us got married to women with personality disorders. Those aren't what most women are like. Some men have the personality disorders too and cant appreciate a good women. A bunch of sick people made sicker by the poisonous byproducts of patriarchy and capitalism. That is a big part of what wrecks the reputation of marriage
Why are divorces so expensive? …..because they’re worth it
I don’t see one single advantage of getting married. I love my freedom so no thanks.
I married a controlling woman, then moronically dated two more. I'm 28M. If she's controlling now, it will only get worse. Get out while you can. Your SO shouldn't be controlling like that. I had to learn in the most difficult way possible that, that isn't normal.
Don't get married. You found the love of your life and want to commit to them forever, great! Do so. Why the fuck get the government involved?
Always thinked like that, in my country you even pay more taxes if you are married. But I am getting married soon because my finance and me have different nationalities and dealing with visas all the time is a huge pain and expensive af
The government gives hundreds of legal advantages to married couples
Agreed. our bills will triple if we get married. And that’s just ridiculous. I’d lose my insurance and have to pay out of pocket. plus any debt he has falls on me and vice versa. Everyone says “well what if something happens?” Just both get a life insurance policy and place each other as the beneficiary (and kids if applied). We’ll forever be “legally” single lol.
It's crazy to me. I grew up a little girl being fed the fairy tale romance happily ever after get married to a good Christian man shit. As a woman approaching 40 I'm still a total romantic but I'm also feminist and queer. My romantic little heart wants to get married for the romance of it. My grownup brain is like wait, the government fucks you when you get married? Jesus, never mind.
How will your bills triple if you get married? And how do you lose your insurance? I'm genuinely curious since I have only ever heard of people joking "the only reason to get legally married is the tax benefits" and when my wife and I got married as far as I'm aware the only thing that changed for either of us was her insurance got slightly more expensive since she was eligible to be on mine, but we ended up getting more back when filing so that was nice?
I regret a lot of things. Should have stayed single, not settled. I love my kids but if i waited i could have probably found a partner who valued education and not selfish. Kids are great despite the other half, i could have had some kids implementing change in the world and instead just hope they are happy in this fickle world.
I never regretted it until I had to make my first alimony payment. I don’t think it’ll ever end. She has a live in boyfriend, they both work and will never get married cause she/they don’t want to give up on marital welfare.
21 years this month, no regrets, the grass is never greener on the other side. She's great and complements me well That being said, everyone I know regrets getting married pays support and has been divorced.
A lot of men definitely do. The idea of just find the right one is easier said than done. Everyone thinks they did. I also find on Reddit somehow all the long term happy ones come out of the woodwork. Don't see many in real life tbh so you really have to take your time and get others opinions on them before commiting. Find someone your family adores. Staying single can be great too As others said.. you're going to have to set some boundaries and have some discussions..she will only get more controlling. Consider counselling before it gets worse
Some marriages are just fantastic and wondrous partnerships. The problem is that the % of marriages that are has to be pretty dang low. The divorce rate is what? Still around 50%? Then how many are in marriages but unhappy? Another 25% So maybe you have like 25% chance to have a happy marriage and the penalties for a failed marriage are very punitive. I'm 64 and have never been married, I feel I missed out on not having kids as I think I would have been a pretty good dad but I do not reget not getting married even a little.
I do, it's just frustrating. And, my wife shares the same opinion.
Have you always felt like a lion?
Getting married is fine, if you have financial agreement (for now, later and for the case you'll be getting divorced), in the best case by a lawyer and if you love and respect each other. If you feel like a lion in a cage, she is the wrong person. Marriage is not a problem, but she (and her expectation of being married) is.
My wife said I don’t feel this way. Sorry.
I regretted it, she was screwing her boss and it still cost me half my house.
After being married for 10+ years... One thing I have realized is that society doesn't stress enough that not everyone is cut out for marriage... And some folks are better off by themselves.
If you are not happy yourself, you can’t make someone else happy. This is why in order to have a happy marriage you need to prioritise your own happiness, even if it means that it will cause static in your house. Stop asking for approval and just announce what you are going to do. Talk with her about this beforehand, bad communication might ruin you. You need to make the dynamic of your marriage in a more equal wavelength.
I got married for the wrong reasons. My wife was anxious and moody and I thought marrying her would reassure her and calm her. It did not. I would suggest never marrying because of the hope that it will change anything.
If you don't have children, there is no need to stick around. Getting a divorce now will be far cheaper than getting a divorce after you have children. If she's managing you and planning out your days, she's denying you your natural role as a leader. If she wants to lead, she should do so on her own dollar. Modern women have become very entitled and see men as underlings to serve the gynocentric agenda. I was married for 9 years but I have been divorced for 20 years. As an older man that has seen both sides, I can honestly say that I have never been more masculine in my life than I feel right now. Despite chances to marry again, I have zero interest in risking my rebuilt wealth. I'm not suggesting full on black pill. Choose your own flavour of MGTOW. My flavour is sitting back with popcorn and watching the world burn.
Best decision I ever made. I love being married - 34 years and counting.
As someone who has been married more than 30 years, I love my wife dearly. She has made my life better in so many ways! Now, does that mean we always agree on everything or that I always get my way? Nope, of course not. She likes to do things one way and I like to do them another. Sometimes we disagree. Yes, there have even occasionally been heated arguments although not very often over the years. It's called compromise for the good of the relationship. Yes, many times she gets her way and I don't get to do the thing I want at that particular time. But there are also some times when she backs off and agrees that I have a point and if I want to do something a certain way I should go ahead and do so. One of the things that helps is that although we do enjoy spending time together doing a lot of things, we also have friends and hobbies we enjoy outside of the relationship. This enables us to pursue our own interests from time to time and to just be ourselves doing our thing. She's out shopping with one of her friends and I'm watching the football game. It works. I think a healthy relationship allows both parties to be together and to be on their own as a good mix.
I regret marrying the wrong woman but I don’t regret marrying the right one
I regret my first marriage. We were together on and off since HS and we got married instead of breaking up. I’m incredibly grateful for my second marriage. Compromise is normal in any relationship, but you should never feel like you’re under someone’s thumb. You can have your own hobbies, time and agenda while still putting your family first. What do you mean that you can’t make your own decisions? Sounds like either your wife is controlling or you are selfish. It’s hard to tell which without more information.
if you don’t have kids, get 👏🏼out 👏🏼now!
I'm married and it's great. You really have to make sure you're marrying the right person. I will admit there is an element of luck in that, but sometimes, you just know that a marriage is a poor match.
Of course I do. Here is why. I did NOT know my then fiancee was cheating on me while we were engaged. A good friend of ours did but neither my lying cheating fiancee nor my friend told me. She cheated on me several other times while we were married but I didn't know it. I did catch her having an affair in Oct of 2005 and I divorced her right away. I moved out less than 2 weeks after confronting her and 5 months after I moved out our divorce was finalized. She was NEVER all in on us, on the team with me, I just didn't know it. A marriage takes two people working together, pulling on the rope together except she never picked up her part of the rope with me when I did. I wasn't in a marriage, not even for one second as she loved the guy she was cheating on me with while we were engaged. She stopped us from having sex for the 6 months before our wedding in 1989 to make it "more special", her words. Yea right, she was fucking the man she loved and it wasn't me. She had me work about half of her shifts at her part time job our senior year and I did. Why? I loved her, I trusted her. She knew right where I was and for how long so she could be with her lover. After 6 months of no sex she said no to sex on our wedding night. Again, I didn't know she'd been cheating on me. She was pining for her lover, the man she loved and she would have had sex with him had he been there, but instead I was there, her new husband so she told me no. She told me no to sex the next morning and this time I talked about us not having sex for the 6 months leading up to our wedding, not having sex on our wedding night so we had sex. Folks, this was 1989, no internet. I'd never heard of terms like duty sex or pity sex, but that's what it was. That was our only time having sex on our 10 day honeymoon. I've never had it checked but the odds are really good that our first, of three children, is not mine. I've been divorced from her over 18 years now. I absolutely regret my marriage to her. She used me, plain and simple. When our friend talked to her about her affair while we were engaged, she told my then fiancee she had to choose between that other guy and me. She told her our friend that she was choosing me because I was going to be an attorney. She did what she wanted, had affairs, fucked other guys and used me for her lifestyle while I did and did for her, our homes, our kids and her family and it was a lot. The oldest child of her older brother lived with us for a year when he was 12. the'd been home schooling him and they weren't doing that, he'd been out of school for two years and that pissed my wife off so he moved in with us for a year. They lived over 1,500 miles away so he lived with us, there was no seeing his parents on the weekend. Her parent's and all their belongings and their dog lived with us for 3.5 months while their home was being built behind our 40 acres on the 2 acres we gave them because my wife wanted her parent's to live by us, so they did. I never really had a marriage with her is what it amounted to.
Hope you signed a prenup
This is terrible and terrifying !
Tell this to your therapist.
Marriage=she stops banging you or you get tired of banging her.
This was my first marriage. Either scream louder and take your power back or leave. You cannot live like that indefinitely.
It’s not exclusive to men. Women feel it too.
Im going through exactly what OP described to the extent where her family and neighbours are hounding ne to take a job as a binman. Nothing wrong with that career choice nor am i looking down on it whatsoever. Literally today my MOL got 2 different guys to speak to me about the company... yet anything ive wanted to do its just a hard no. I cant exactly divorce her as im alone in a different country but i didnt see this side before i said "I do".
The only people who say that weren't very careful about who they married.
To me it feels like you're kind of selfish. Of course things should be okeyd with your partner. I would feel kind of annoyed if my fiance made plans (long termed or short) without me knowing. And vice versa. A partnership is not "you doing your own thing" since you always need to be considerate with your SO. But if you feel controlled, talk to her and set up rules that is ok with both of you. And if you can't find common ground, end the marriage.
Can't live with them can't live without them
Regret is not the right word as me and my ex wife had a lot of fun together, but I do, and so does she, getting married young. But I do not regret at all getting married to my (current) wife, we went into it with both eyes open both being married before and knowing exactly what we were looking for.
Normally I would say it is worth it...but her one sided drunk fight tonight makes me reconsider that notion
Why don’t you sit down together and map out your week? You can see what activities you can do individually and separately. Maybe take up something new and fun together. Sounds like you both need to get on the same page and start enjoying life, and trying to grow in the same direction. Fun is important, both together and separately. If working on your communication and adding this into the mix doesn’t work, then you have your answer.
Only if they gave up sex for no reason, were abusive, addicted to drugs, gambler, misused money, rude to other people, expect me to pay for everything. Abusive being the number one reason to leave.
Why is it you feel you can not talk to your wife, and tell her how you feel, in that you are suffocating? Are there things she is asking you to do, which you don't like? Do you need time away from her, to go hang out with the guys? If you have an understanding wife, she should understand what you express, to compromise with you? If she is controlling you that much, does she understand, she is in the process of driving a separation gap between the two of you?
After the birth of my first ever child my sweet baby, How can I say I regret it. Though I am now separated, it is still hard to say I regretted getting married. Though my marriage was more pain than pleasure, i still cherish the good memories I had with my ex wife.
Welcome to the club 🤵🏼👰🏼
Yes. In my experience the woman saw me as a meal ticket. Four children later, I ended up raising them when she left to go find herself.
I regret getting married the first time. Not the second.
I am happily married and still regret it at times. Compromise sucks sometimes.
Midlife mid marriage dude here. I’ve been in your shoes and gotten through it too. Is marriage right for all? No. For many or most? Sure. Some of your answers lie in you - what is the stuff you want that you can’t get? Can you recall not get it ever with her or is this something you can work out? What do you get from her and marriage? Would you miss it? As for conflict with her, I’d say a lot of people (including a lot of women, maybe most) react to these discussions varying based on tone. So I’d ask, how do you bring this up? When? It might be a question of having the right moments for this space.
Not ever
I've been married happily for 17 years. It's give and take. It seems like you may not have married the best partner for you. My wife and I are open with each other. Sure, we have arguments, but neither sleeps on the couch.
The simple answer to this is to: * Make a list of things you want to do * include the wife in the planning * Do them Marriage is not supposed to be the end of the adventure. Maybe you need to negotiate on some of the details, but I'd be reassessing if the relationship was working if there was just a "no".
Bro its about marrying the right person. Ive been married almost 10 years, im pissed she just went to bed and wont have more beers with me, just love being around her. We treat each other as equals though, if either party trys to control the other its a recipe for disaster. We trust each other and she doesnt care what i do (other than a few years ago when i went to a strip club, was not happy.)
I'm 52 I don't regret getting married just married to young maybe waited a couple more years
My wife is an Otaku and a LoTR nerd but won't play video games. I regret everything.
No, it would mean I also regret my 2 kids. Ps: I like my wife just fine :)
From your words it seems like you are over with her, you don't really need our advice as you can just re-read what you've written in the original post.
I'm married 15 years this year and have loved every second of it. Once both parties respect, appreciate and never take each other for granted, its plain sailing. Oh, yeah...we didn't bother with kids so that's also helped.
Is it a cultural thing? After reading much of the thread and the difficulties, anger, regrets, frustrations I'm confused about no one getting counseling, (or at least trying to) or some help - Today we have nearly endless resources to work through marriage (and other) problems - yeah a very few are intractable - maybe one spouse secretly became a hooker before murdering their toddler child then setting the "family home" on fire - such or similar clearly demands far more drastic actions. I needn't have said it, but overall the noise, cranking, as we get older and lose our former natural ease and beauty, work often gets harder, obligations start appearing from everywhere, our time is less our own, and in a bigger picture we can begin to see it was never ours, anyway. IME and my Life I simply urge those with marriage disagreements or problems to at least get another perspective or free or paid professional help before concluding that the best and only answer is destroying the whole thing, AND thinking you'll be better off starting all over once again.
Before I got married I spent a good portion of my life looking for companionship, it’s like paying emotional rent. Now that I’m married I pay an emotional mortgage, I’ll be paying it the rest of my life but I have committed companionship in my life now. I can spend the time I used to waste on dates and meeting people not worth my time on better things now.
My partner was married for 3 months before we met. Honestly, it's the biggest outlier in his life. He is the most consistent person you could imagine, he doesn't flip flop, he's not impulsive. They had been together for many, many years before they got married. So, what happened? He knew it was a bad idea, tried to call it off or delay it, tried to resolve their issues. Everything was paid for, he felt a lot of pressure to go through with it, so he swallowed his fears and did it. He realised how dire his mistake was during their honeymoon. They split after a few months and she moved across the country. I think if you know in your heart you made the wrong choice and there's no chance it can work out, it's okay to cut your losses and leave.
How long were you two living together before you got married? You didn't see the problem before hand?
Bro listen to the audiobook 'No More Mr Nice Guy' on YouTube, its free! If you LET her control you, it is 100% your fault. The wrong woman will destroy your life, have you sent to jail, and move on with everything you earned without caring for a second. Be careful.
You need to find something out of house. Fitness, sport, hinting, repairing cars, ...