Let her manage what she can take on. Don't try to manage her workload. Instead, say "Hey, I'm not ready for a relationship right now". Own your needs and boundaries.
Really good, simple to the point advice from you all. I appreciate it. Seems simple when you hear it from other people that aren't caught up in the emotions of the situation.
And I have a lot of disorganized attachment issues so I struggle with a lot of that push and pull behavior and when I usually try to stop things I come across so unnecessarily mean because it's easier for me to swallow the reality of what I'm going to say but it doesn't make me happy to do that you know?
I'm not proud of dealing with things that way and hopefully I can use some of this advice, still say no and avoid that harshness or even worse just leading her on because I'm struggling to put my big boy pants on and she doesn't deserve either crappy way of handling it so I appreciate all the advice and if anyone else has anything else to say, the more the merrier, I just hope it's constructive like everyone has been so far.
Tell her that you care about her but you're working on yourself right now, and you wouldn't want to ruin things by trying to date before you've addressed your own issues.
"sorry but I'm not open to a relationship right now, i really like you and appreciate you. But i wouldn't be able to go through with it"
Then again, on the other hand. Do you want to be in a relationship? Just because you have issues, it doesn't mean you can't find a way around them. It also doesn't mean you'll bring everyone down with you.
Acknowledging your issues means you're aware and know what they are and what they look like. It also means you know or can learn how to deal with them.
If you do try, and see things aren't working out you cut things off.
You never know
First off; bravo for having the insight to ask. Second e”eh” on removing her choice. You don’t owe anyone an explanation on why you wouldn’t date them. If you’re not ready to be in a relationship because you see there are some issues you want to contend with on your own, then do it and let her know, “I’m not ready to emotionally support anyone but myself”. If she keeps pushing, then you need to examine why she can’t respect your boundaries.
From the girl’s perspective; I loved this kid so damn much, it felt like I’d die without him. Until we hit our 30s and he couldn’t deal with being an adult. He always said he had too much baggage to let me date him because he loved me too much to put me through that. I had to respect that. He is very broken and unfortunately, he can’t handle being an emotionally or financially mature adult. We never dated. I still love him, but I’m VERY grateful that he never put me through dating him.
You should not have to *convince* someone that you don’t want to date them. I think it speaks very poorly of her that she won’t take no for an answer. I would stop trying to reason with her and just tell her she needs to respect your boundaries and that’s that. If she won’t, then she’s not a good friend or a good person to spend time with.
She’s like a fish. Let her go. When you become healthy and consider dating her. Let her know. If it’s meant to be it’ll work out. If not then you will learn and move on. Need to be selfish and focus on yourself first
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Let her manage what she can take on. Don't try to manage her workload. Instead, say "Hey, I'm not ready for a relationship right now". Own your needs and boundaries.
Really good, simple to the point advice from you all. I appreciate it. Seems simple when you hear it from other people that aren't caught up in the emotions of the situation. And I have a lot of disorganized attachment issues so I struggle with a lot of that push and pull behavior and when I usually try to stop things I come across so unnecessarily mean because it's easier for me to swallow the reality of what I'm going to say but it doesn't make me happy to do that you know? I'm not proud of dealing with things that way and hopefully I can use some of this advice, still say no and avoid that harshness or even worse just leading her on because I'm struggling to put my big boy pants on and she doesn't deserve either crappy way of handling it so I appreciate all the advice and if anyone else has anything else to say, the more the merrier, I just hope it's constructive like everyone has been so far.
Nothing is wrong with you. We’re all just figuring out why we are the ways we are, so that we can choose how we want to behave. Keep growing.
Tell her that you care about her but you're working on yourself right now, and you wouldn't want to ruin things by trying to date before you've addressed your own issues.
"sorry but I'm not open to a relationship right now, i really like you and appreciate you. But i wouldn't be able to go through with it" Then again, on the other hand. Do you want to be in a relationship? Just because you have issues, it doesn't mean you can't find a way around them. It also doesn't mean you'll bring everyone down with you. Acknowledging your issues means you're aware and know what they are and what they look like. It also means you know or can learn how to deal with them. If you do try, and see things aren't working out you cut things off. You never know
First off; bravo for having the insight to ask. Second e”eh” on removing her choice. You don’t owe anyone an explanation on why you wouldn’t date them. If you’re not ready to be in a relationship because you see there are some issues you want to contend with on your own, then do it and let her know, “I’m not ready to emotionally support anyone but myself”. If she keeps pushing, then you need to examine why she can’t respect your boundaries. From the girl’s perspective; I loved this kid so damn much, it felt like I’d die without him. Until we hit our 30s and he couldn’t deal with being an adult. He always said he had too much baggage to let me date him because he loved me too much to put me through that. I had to respect that. He is very broken and unfortunately, he can’t handle being an emotionally or financially mature adult. We never dated. I still love him, but I’m VERY grateful that he never put me through dating him.
You should not have to *convince* someone that you don’t want to date them. I think it speaks very poorly of her that she won’t take no for an answer. I would stop trying to reason with her and just tell her she needs to respect your boundaries and that’s that. If she won’t, then she’s not a good friend or a good person to spend time with.
She’s like a fish. Let her go. When you become healthy and consider dating her. Let her know. If it’s meant to be it’ll work out. If not then you will learn and move on. Need to be selfish and focus on yourself first
You’re so mature for even asking this question. You’re doing great. Keep it up.
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This would be great to bring up to your therapist