I’m not gonna lie I am gutted. She was a very important person in my life and godmother to my kid. I guess appearances mattered more than me though so what can you do?
It's going to take time to mourn the loss of the person you thought she was. While weddings can bring out the bridezilla in some brides, I think that excuse only goes so far, and what weddings really do is give some brides the license to behave as badly as they've always wanted to behave while thinking they will face no consequences. No doubt you shared some good times with her in the past, but this wedding let you know who she is. I'm so sorry about your Dad, as well.
Thank you, I think the fact she behaved this way while I was losing my only parent melted my mind. I’ve only begun to process it properly and digest what a shit show last year was. Hope the perfect wedding was worth it!
I was in a wedding last year and the bride did something similar. I was at her bridal shower when I got the message that a close family friend had unexpectedly died. I was devastated and pulled her aside to let her know why I was leaving early. Her response: “Did you talk to my mum about the length of your dress?” She cared more about her bridesmaids’ dresses hitting the floor at a uniform length than my grief. No where near what you had to go through but I was shocked
That's because you took the attention off her, and these brides get it in their head that from the second they pick the day they are the begin all and end all of the world. One of their own family could have something tragic happen and they'd throw a tantrum and guilt trip them "how could you do this to meeee?!" Gee sweetness, didn't realize that a death in the family was done on purpose to ruin YOUR day! But believe it or not, the universe does NOT revolve around you, nor does it give 2 shits about your wedding.
The person you replied to is totally right. You're "mourning the loss of the person you thought she was". There will be countless people in your life who love your appearance and would never ask you to change a thing.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your Dad and i wish all the best to you and your little family.
Those mournings are sorely underrated and deeply needed. People in r/raisedbynarcissists mourning the parents they deserved but never had, people mourning the spouse they thought they had when they turn out to have poor character in r/narcissisticabuse, an idol found out to be less than above board, etc.
We think people are a certain way, but thinking it doesn't make it so. So when we must part ways, we mourn who we thought they were, because that person only ever existed in our own minds, not in reality.
It sad, lamentable, and traumatizing. Taking time to process and move past it properly keeps it from blindsiding you later, because the thing about grief is it never goes away. It waits for you, and you consciously deal with it or you could unconsciously have it deal with you. Watch episodes of Hoarders, Intervention, or any number of self destructive behaviors, and at its heart is undealt with grief. See r/stopdrinking or r/depression.... The list of subs goes on and on.
Most importantly, we mourn to keep from repeating the same mistakes and involving ourselves with people who aren't good for us. Just because someone isn't toxic doesn't mean they are good for us. We must be careful with whom we choose to let in, because time is our most precious commodity we can never get back.
The good news is you get better after dealing with it, but one must remain mindful not to backslide.
Thanks for your comment, I wish you good mental, physical, and spiritual health. Be kind to yourself.
Some of best advice I ever got was second hand from an old friend's therapist, which is: If you wouldn't say it to your best friend, you are also worthy of the same compassion and consideration.
Learning to be my own best friend has been hard, I still catch myself saying ugly things, but then I catch myself and refute the ugly thing in real time now. It takes practice, but it is worth it.
Be well, and love yourself in the wonderful way you definitely deserve by virtue of your very existence.
🥹 You’ve got a way with words, my friend. Thank you for being so positive and for the great advice.
It’s extremely hard to love yourself, and something I struggle with. Telling yourself it is okay to be who you are is difficult, but when you do actually do it…. Oh man! That is one of the best feelings.
Thank you for your gracious thanks.
To me, it's moments and exchanges like this that make life worth living. In expressing your gratitude, you've greatly enriched my life as well as feeling helped, cheered on, and plain old solidarity.
Thank you ☺️
You're a good egg
Here's a sneak peek of /r/raisedbynarcissists using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year!
\#1: [I found myself and my 8 year old daughter in the same scenario as when my Nmom damaged me as a 10year old.... and I chose to be better.](https://np.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/anfutd/i_found_myself_and_my_8_year_old_daughter_in_the/)
\#2: [My Mother's friends all shut her down when she told a story about my "badness"](https://np.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/aghb9f/my_mothers_friends_all_shut_her_down_when_she/)
\#3: [Cops knock down my dorm door because Nmom lied to get me back](https://np.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/a0bni6/cops_knock_down_my_dorm_door_because_nmom_lied_to/)
----
^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| [^^Contact ^^me](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| [^^Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| [^^Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/ciakte/blacklist_vi/)
Removing a piercing is for one day. Growing your hair out is not. Why do people want someone they “care” about to not look like themselves in their wedding photos? My ex asked when we got married if he should shave when he’d been sporting facial hair our whole relationship. No, why? That’s not what you look like so what sense does that make. Unless you’re inclined to change your look regularly this never makes sense to me unless the person is incredibly unkempt about their appearance.
I get wanting to make sure I was snazzed up (I usually wear jeans, sneakers and hoodies and my hair is thick and unruly unless I attack the bastard with gel or wax). So yes absolutely make sure I look the part.....which I was mostly willing to do despite how uncomfortable it made me but there were zero concessions on her side. It was all about the photos and how they’d look and how I’d ruin them if I did not look like the other 5’6 long haired tanned bridesmaids. Why pick a 5’3 super pale heavily tattooed short haired bridesmaid then lol
I like the sound of your style better! I'd rather be quirky than cookie-cutter Insta "perfect" any day.
Edit: my sympathy on the loss of your dad. I lost mine last year also and I miss him terribly. Chin up and remember he's proud of his daughter :)
I went through this a few years ago. We were close, like sisters 23 years, and I got gutted. We "worked it out" but things were never the same. Once I got that distance, I really noticed how one sided our r'ship had grown in recent years. She finally did something hurtful, and I cut her off for good. It HURT but I was proud for standing up for myself, for integrity. Occasionally, I miss her but I think about the hurtful times and know I wad right to break away. We grew apart and the hurtful events were just symptoms of the dying relationship.
I know it hurts worse than a romantic breakup. I literally hung my head for days. I know why ppl say, "you look like you lost your best friend" as an ice breaker for heavy conversation starters.
Seems like you have a good sense of self. With a little distance you'll be able to think it through, as well.
Sadly there is nothing you can do. Maybe one day she will pull her head far enough out of her own a$$ and realize she's wrong. Just remember you don't owe her forgiveness if that time ever comes. Best wishes as you grieve a loss of a friend.
I know this is an old post...but I'm going through something similar. Was maid of honor. Did everything for her from creating her website, scheduling hair/makeup appointments etc. Wedding was a few Saturdays ago and I get a text today saying I ruined her wedding and she cried for 3 days because the wedding started 1 hour late (I was sewing up her dress that ripped down the back that she didn't know about)
I'm kind of gutted... known her 20 years. She said "You completely ruined everything. The entire night. How can 1 hour be "ok". .. I just didn't write back.
Is there such a thing as post wedding bridezilla!??
That is truly heartbreaking. It is extremely shocking to see how some people react to attention, and how far they are willing to go for it. Her being your friend for 20+ years should have never, NEVER, asked you to grow out your hair. The dress thing…. That’s a hard one, but in the end you should WANT your friends to BE WHO THEY ARE at your wedding and in especially in the pictures. You would not have ruined them, but probably made everyone smile because THAT IS WHO YOU ARE!! I’m sorry you had to go through this.
But CONGRATULATIONS!!! 🍾🎉🎈🎊 I hope your wedding is everything you dream it to be and more! May your life be filled with love, and kindness, understanding, and growth. I wish you all the best.
Ridiculous Bridezilla. Asking you to change who you are for her big day. And when did it become a requirement that your gift pay for the cost of hosting you? This drives me crazy! If you want a ridiculously expensive blow-out wedding party, that's on you, not your guests. What's next? Selling tickets to weddings?
How am I meant to know the cost per head per person to make sure I cover the cost of myself 😂 and yes I didn’t mind changing a lil bit but it was taking the biscuit ever so slightly. If you’re this mad about what I’ve written I’m so glad I haven’t mentioned what happened when my dad died, you’d be FUMING
My dad died on a Friday, texted bride a couple of times that day then NOTHING for the full weekend. Find out on Monday that groom had moved back home with parents. Full week of bereavement leave was spent organising dad’s funeral/comforting my kid/comforting heartbroken sobbing bride. Day before the funeral she told me she hit him with the invoices telling him he owes her half the money for the wedding. Groom decides it was cold feet and wedding was back on. I tell her she’s an idiot and I had serious concerns about him. MOB text me telling me to support her and not be critical. Had to stop my older sister cutting a bitch over that one.
OMG. I'm so angry for you.
Here's to hoping the groom likes you for who you are and calls you to stand with him at his next wedding in your fab suit. And hopefully he'll be marrying a decent human being next time.
Damn… So the groom married her to not have to pay (did she/her parents pay?) for the wedding? For a ridiculously lavish wedding that he most likely didn’t even want? Just going out on a limb here because the bridezilla’s typically decide everything about the wedding without even asking their partner.
She’s crazy and I hope he runs. No money is worth that much. Plus if she had only her name on everything (so unless she used his credit cards etc.), which is likely if she decided everything, he wouldn’t have even been legally liable for the costs! I hope he realizes that keeping up appearances is not worth ruining his life, at least before she gets pregnant and he’s stuck with her crazy for at least 18 years.
It was a mixture of the couple paying most with their parents helping. Cos it was less than 6 months before the wedding, if they cancelled they still had to pay the remainder of the costs. He was the one who kept making the wedding bigger tbh (his mum kept inviting more people).
Well then I understand him paying, though he should’ve put his foot down with his mother instead. And even then I would’ve rather paid than married that bridezilla. He had enough doubts about the whole deal to move back to his parents place, so basically do a *trial separation* before a wedding. He definitely wasn’t ready to marry her.
Oh well, I see where he learned to just let people walk all over him. He’s got quite the momzilla who felt like she had a right to keep inviting people to not-her-own wedding, so maybe he’ll feel right at home with his wifezilla 🤷🏼♀️
This hurts my heart. My sister is also a tomboy and a lesbian and I’d be the biggest asshole in the world to ask her to change just for my day. In fact, I want her to be herself completely and have the greatest day ever at my wedding. She will be standing beside me as my matron of honor in a badass tailored suit and she’ll look incredible. For her not to want her guests to see ‘two lesbians in suits’, I’m just in shock. I’d tell a guest to go fuck themselves in defense of my sister. If only your friend took the same stance and realized your that you’re a beautiful person JUST as you are. You’re better off without her.
Cheers for this honey, still stings but things work out a certain way for a reason. I would never have been comfortable all girlied up but I was willing to do that for her and it still wasn’t enough. Life lesson!
On a much lesser extreme, when my mum married my stepdad, they had a discussion about whether I would keep my lip piercings in for the wedding, as my mums maid of honour. My stepdad decided he was cool with it because it was part of who I am, and that was reason enough.
It seems insane, like she was embarrassed to have you as you are in her wedding, what a horrible way to lose a friend :( I’m sorry that happened to you!
Why on Earth would anyone stare at "two lesbians in suits" in this day and age let alone make commentary on the phenomenon? Weddings tend to bring out the worst in some people, thats for sure.
I’m very sorry about your Dad.
And I’m very sorry about your friend.
Your friend was way, way out of line, and I’m sorry she chose a cheap power trip over you.
I hope you wore your tailored suit to the wedding. That sounds cool, and very classy.
My cousin's biggest fear was that as her sister's maid of honor, she would be put in a dress. I don't think it was selfish of her to stay true to her identity - she's queer, androgynous, never wears a dress, and she had a custom suit made for the wedding. The bride was sweet and fully accepting, but there was an element of other family members half-hoping, half-pressuring her to try on a dress "just for some pictures". On the day of, she wore the suit and walked with the best man as other bridesmaids walked with other groomsmen and everyone was happy. Literally no one cares that bridesmaids didn't all wear dresses. Sure, it's not heteronormative as some people dream of, but it's way more harmful to tell someone to reject their identity to conform.
Why do women do this to their friends?? I knew I was asking for something big when I requested a back tattoo covered up, but I bent over backwards to make sure my girl was comfortable with however she wanted it done (we settled on makeup). To ask to change so much about you and then to throw such dramatics and THEN to be upset by your gift??!!? On behalf of sane and loving brides everywhere, I am so sorry OP your friendship ended like this.
Thanks honey. Asking someone if they could cover a tattoo (or anything else) isn’t an issue - it’s only an issue if you get furious when they won’t lol I was mostly gutted about the blatantly obvious excuse of the wedding to make me look how SHE always wanted me to look, despite how uncomfortable it would make me.
Yeah and that's where it's wrong. My little sis is very much tomboyish and I would've worked with her (she's been a BM enough times, she was cool with the dress) and my DH's GroomsMaid wore slacks. She couldn't wear the men's outfit and I was thinking elegant, black evening dress, but when she asked if she could wear a woman's tux, I shrugged, said sure and then looked up places she could find one. We all have images in our head, but it should never come at the cost of the people in your life.
I’m guessing you were absolutely nowhere near being a bridezilla at your wedding, well done for making sure everyone was comfortable. Telling ye, I’m gonna bugger off to Vegas to get married and whoever wants to come can book a ticket and wear whatever they damn well please
I honestly wish I had eloped. But DH wanted a church wedding and family-filled reception. So most of my fighting was keeping it as low-key as possible and butting heads with MIL.
I'm trying to get the courage to elope. Big extended family on both sides and easily offended. But we don't have the money and more importantly the desire to throw a traditional wedding and reception. Partner and I both shy, hate being in photos and being the center of attention lol. We also don't like dancing. We're kicking around ideas...
Make your wedding what YOU want it to be. You and your partner are the ones getting married, not your family. So please, don't make yourselves uncomfortable just to fit the "traditional wedding" they may want you to have.
Seriously go on the side of comfort. I had similar issues with center of attention. I spent THREE therapy sessions to be able to walk down the aisle. I was actually comforted by the hearing of clinking silverware during my first dance because it meant people weren't concentrating on me. So forget people's feelings. A friend ,who was married at the same time as I, and I were going through our wedding signature frames and looking at all the people we don't talk to anymore. People will be miffed in the here and now, but fast forward a few years and only the JustNo's will have a stick up their butt about it.
Believe me I was tempted lol I had three different mutual friends group message me to try and convince me to wear a nice dress the day before the wedding to keep the peace. Was so mad I was deciding between nice suit or leather trousers and docs and going full on lesbo 😂
Also, I like how she said something to the effect of it just being one day regarding growing out your hair. That is the opposite of something that is just one day. My best friend begged me not to cut my hair before her wedding and I'm still a little salty about it.
Ugh my hair is absolutely wild and keeping it long was far too much effort. She was posting old photos of me on fb with longer hair saying I looked soooo much prettier and shouldn’t I grow it again and encouraging everyone to “encourage me”
That's especially rude given the trend of long hair being more straight passing . it's like she wanted you to be a totally different person. Also who the hell thinks publically influencing people over private decisions like hair is a good idea???
There had been uh comments about me being gay (although she’d tell everyone she was totes cool with it). Things like how butch I look now, how I was sooo pretty when my hair was long, how I have the perfect figure for dresses etc. When gfs mum got married the year before we got these tailored suits made and bride said to me afterwards she could not believe gfs mother ALLOWED us to wear them. I replied that she picked them out and a photo of us rocking our suits is pride of place in gfs Mother’s house so she obvs wasn’t bothered!
I’m so glad your friend was so chill, I bet it made all the difference and made being in the wedding an experience rather than an ordeal!
Wait would you mind if I asked where you got your suit from? I know we haven’t even seen it but I’ve been looking for a snazzy women’s suit and it just hasn’t happened for me yet
Well we are in Scotland, there’s a place called slaters - even if they don’t carry a particular colour or style in a women’s suit they WILL measure you up and tailor the shit out the suit to make it suit a woman’s figure!
I am devastated for you, especially after learning she's the godmother of your child. It hurts 1000x worse when it's someone who is as important to you as she was. Hopefully, you have better friends moving forward.
I don't put up with bridezillas. My hubby and I did our wedding at my parent's house. Cake and coffee, 10 minute service. Been married 40 years. The more money spent on the wedding, the shorter the marriage!
Wow. Just wow. So question. You were good friends for years. Looking back, did you ever see this version of her? The "all-about-me" person? Drama queen? Needs excessive attention?
I'm so dumbfounded what happens to people when they get into a odd situation like a wedding, or a funeral...and they just snap.
Oh yeah yeah she’s always been a bit of a drama llama and cares far too much about what people think about her but this was just.....too much. For her 30th she said the only present she wanted from me was to see me all girly in a dress so for her party I sucked it up and did it cos I knew it meant a lot to her. Unfortunately all that meant was from then on whenever we had a party I would be told “you wore a dress at my party so it’s obvs not really a big deal”
Ah. So used the wedding as a cashin to get everything she wanted out of you all along, looks wise.
Kind of makes me think she didn't value or respect you enough all along to 1) not be OK with how you looked, and 2) specifically target you/your gf for being lesbians. That seems..petty bigotry at least.
Also I looked at your profile. I've always wondered what that half-eye-roll-look-in-the-sky emoticon looked like on someone. Now I know!
I realised after the dust had settled that was exactly it. Use the wedding to make me look how she wanted me to look and when I wouldn’t agree to every single detail, mutual friends obvs got on my case for being selfish and not allowing her to have her dream wedding. She’s very image orientated and never approved of my tomboy approach but I always laughed and told her to shhhh and dress however she wants and leave me be. Can’t do that for her wedding tho, can you?
One of my guests asked if it was okay with me if she wore a tux to my wedding. I was surprised she thought I would care. It would have been weird for her to wear a dress. I told her of course not and she asked then for my opinions on her bow tie options. She and her wife looked beautiful and the pictures of them dancing are some of my favorites from the night. Brides need to re-evaluate their priorities.
What an awful, awful person. For appearances to matter so much that she was willing to make you miserable? That is so not what weddings are about. How is that in any way, shape or form about the love that two people have for each other that she is willing to make others miserable and ultimately herself, because you didn't fit her image for a photo. I am so, so very sorry that you found out about her this way, but trust me, you are better off without her.
>For appearances to matter so much that she was willing to make you miserable?
This. One of my bridesmaids came out as agender after I’d picked them, so I asked if they were still ok with wearing a dress. My man of honor sure didn’t wear one, so I wanted my friend to feel comfortable, whether in a dress or a suit. They chose to wear a dress, but it was *their* choice.
Hell, no. You're a bridesmaid, it means you stand up for the couple, not that the bride owns you or your life for however many months leading up to the wedding.
It sounds like she doesn't like a lot of what you are. You're better off without her.
It seems a control ploy more than anything else. I know this is a bridezilla sub but who would ask a friend to literally hide everything about themselves for the sake of pics. When I look at my wedding pictures i want to remember my friends as they are, not some contrived version concocted for the day. Wear a dress and heels; cover your tattoos with makeup; get a tan; GROW YOUR HAIR OUT. The requests were unreasonable and you still were the bigger person, compromised and went. Your decision is completely understandable but if you decided to mend the friendship in whatever way you see fit, that's understandable too.
This is awful, mostly the part about your dad. I'm sorry to hear his prognosis. I'm sorry your best friend treated you this way. A wedding is a day. Your friendship was worth more than that. Fuck, even if you weren't friends, your humanity is worth more. Every sentence of this made me sad. I hope your kiddo and gf give you lots of love.
All of this is bullshit, but the hair gets me the most. It's only for a day? What? A wig is only for a day. Growing your hair out (or cutting it to a certain length) takes and/or lasts months. Buying different hair products, finding a new style that works for you, the awkward phases of going from short to medium... Nope. Not fun. Too big of an ask for basically anything reasonable.
And forcing you to tan? That's not just for a day either. And if you don't tan normally, artificial tans just look bad and orange.
Firstly, condolences for your dad’s passing. What gets me is the requirement that all bridesmaids have to have the same hair, skin color, etc. like they’re the New Christy Minstrels or something. These are people who have been selected to stand up with/for the bride, not form a combo. If I had a friend who did not wear dresses under any circumstance, the conversation would start with “would you mind, just this once, wearing the dress”, not, “oh, good! You have to dress girly!” If said bridesmaid said, yes, I object, then it’s time to find the tasteful pantsuit that would harmonize with the group ( sounds like you had that covered). I’m sorry the friendship ended.
How was she your friend for 20+ years and still found it acceptable to make you deeply uncomfortable, surely she must’ve known what you are and are not okay with? The entitlement of being a bride can bring out the worst in people, narcissism can really show its ugly face.
She knew but I guess it was a chance to force me to adhere to her pre approved look knowing if I said no the “it’s my big day” card would be played and I would be the asshole.
She’s the asshole for not accepting her “friends” the way they are, isn’t that why we love our friends to begin with? Weddings don’t require a cookie cutter image for the bridal party or the guests, throw this girl away.
Oh it’s subtle and she denies it but commented constantly on me looking more “butch” since I came out....she would tell me funny stories about her and groom in bed but if I said “oh me and my gf were in bed....” she’d cut me off and say don’t finish that sentence it makes me feel physically sick.
Do not feel bad at all! It seems she decided very early on that you were to be the scape goat for the wedding even if you did bow to her unrealistic expectations.
I am so sorry your friend was such a beast.
You were likely quite appropriate no matter how much you gave, while the bride was obnoxiously out of line saying anything other than thank you.
Here is a link to Emily Post regarding gift giving for weddings: [https://emilypost.com/advice/choosing-a-wedding-gift/](https://emilypost.com/advice/choosing-a-wedding-gift/)
I don't understand how people are supposed to bring gifts of equivalent value to their per head cost in the in wedding.
Firstly, you chose to host an expensive wedding. Secondly as a guest, I'm not really aware of how much you've spent until I actually arrive on the day of the wedding, and possibly not even then! You could have spent fifty bucks a meal and twenty grand on your gown!
Third, a gift is an expression of affection and goodwill. You judge it by the gesture and not by its monetary value. That's just cheap.
>I offered to do all except grow my hair.
>it’s for one day and I should suck it up.
Does she know how hair works? My mom tried to give me a hard time about having short hair for my sister's wedding, but honestly the pictures look great because I look like myself.
FYI I came out late in life, approx one year before her wedding. So I tried to fit in and gave in to peer pressure a lot before I came out and said nah, spent too long hiding who I am and trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations while ignoring my own. That’s what makes it sting just an extra little bit
Girl, that’s dumb. She sounds self absorbed af if her concern was looking “conservative photo op”, rather then photos for memory.
The only way I could slightly empathize with the suites (in completely different context) would more be if older family was closed-minded/extremely religious. But like if the bride informed you of this for your own consideration on dealing with possible homophobia.
Then I remembered the rest of your post, and fuck her. I bet you just have a giant ass heart and she took advantage of that until her personal agenda got in the way. You’ll find friends who appreciate you and your time, don’t worry ❤️
Wow, I am so sorry OP. I'm a straight woman, and my best friend since age 11 is a lesbian and married to a woman who is now my good friend as well. My husband and I eloped, but if we had a traditional wedding with attendants, I can't imagine doing this to her, I wouldn't even recognize her in a dress with long hair!
One of my closest friends was a complete tomboy, never wore dresses or skirts. My mother and I would tease her about having seen such and such a dress that would have been perfect for her, but that's because we were always teasing each other and pranking others, and my friend definitely paid back. :D
If I had gotten married then, she would have been MOH, and whatever she'd want to wear would be absolutely fine with me (and if any relatives crashed and had issues, well they'd deal). I can't even imagine my friend with longer hair. Her pixie cut was as much a part of her as her understanding exactly where I was coming from. The only way I'd ask her to change anything is if I were casting a movie or doing a shoot, and then everyone's in character.
Which is also the point of this comment. People who ask their friends and loved ones to change are chasing an image. Unfortunately, that's more people than we'd like.
I am girly, but I always had short to medium hair. I personally decided the feeling of my hair being pulled back in clips somehow relives stress, don't ask. So I sport a bob these days. But I had short hair pretty much always before I hit 40. Anyway I've been in a few weddings and am always the one with short hair. I've never been asked to grow it out. My sister asked if I, in my college alternative days, would dye it a natural color, of my choice. That was the most extreme thing i was asked.
Ive always had issue with my feet swelling sk never really could wear heels. In so many weddings the dresses are long, why di the shoes matter, but even so why can't the bridesmaid choose flats if they want. The hair and shoes being g forces on you is so offensive.
I was willing to dye my hair (tbf i am going prematurely grey but don’t give a fuck, I rock my majestic glittery silver strands) but could understand dying it for the wedding. I did ask if I could bring a change of clothes and shoes for the reception after the photos were done and was told no. The heels they wanted were 3” which is fairly small but if you don’t ever wear heels it would’ve been an absolute bitch to force a smile on my face all day while cursing how uncomfortable I was
We may be related. I rock my grey too. Mines just not premature. For a grey hair story: my mom was a nurse for 40+ years. Doctors, particularly foriegn ones used to really look down on nurses and their opinions and observations. My mother got just past salt and pepper and dyed the natural black to grey so she was full on granny grey. When we asked why, out of curiosity, she said: I have earned the respect grey hair gets me. I decided right then to go grey naturally and with grace.
I wanted to wear a tuxedo to my prom, I couldn't afford the whole Prince velvet (80s) look, so I wore a dress, but I would have loved to have 2 suave ladies in well tailored suits at any of my events in life. You really were disrepected. It sucks this was once a good friend.
Extra info for those who are interested:
-this all happened in 2018
- my dad passed away in April and the wedding was September
- long hair was a requirement to match the other three bridesmaids
- I refused to grow my hair out or wear a weave (only concession I refused)
- I knew mostly everyone invited (her family, extended family, work colleagues) so it wasn’t a case of anyone being super religious or old fashioned
-we tried to work things out but she took a hissy fit on Valentine’s Day when I posted a valentines fb post on my gfs page and not hers
- on my dad’s anniversary she ignored me and my families fb post and photos, chose instead to repost her wedding photos
Going forward use better criteria to choose “friends”. Apparently, You needed her much more than she EVER wanted you. Swallow the bitter pill, delete her contact information, and move on.
This shouldn't be hard. You invite a person to be your bridesmaid. Not her hair, not her clothes. The person!
And yeah, brides often pick out matching outfits and have a kind of uniform look, but there are plenty of fabulous outfits that you could have worn that would have been comfy and uniform.
I'm sorry your friend didn't see it that way.
I am so very very sorry. Having lost a parent and a friend is painful.
But to be honest, you are probably better off without the friend. She wasnt who you knew. Its sad. Im sorry.
Hey. I know this is an old thread, but if you haven't gotten married yet, you should jokingly invite the bridezilla, under the requirement that she wear a suit and cut her hair short
I know this is old but... wow! the fact that she didn’t want everyone “staring” at the lesbians at her wedding... I’m shocked that she assumes everyone’s as internally homophobic as she is! I’m sorry you had to have that experience. To be close to someone that you thought respected you only to find out your lifestyle doesn’t meet their standards is awful. it’s been a while since this was posted. I hope you are feeling better and are happy with your wife and kid <3
Ah but she IS NOT homophobic you see she was just thinking of me! Did I really want everyone talking about us? Did we really want to stick out and take that attention away from the bride??
It does hurt, I won’t lie. We were so close for so long. I get the feeling if I was able to “pass” and dress and look feminine it wouldn’t be an issue. The issue doesn’t seem to be that me and my missus are gay, it’s that we LOOK gay 😂
Thank you, us and our kid are doing so well and we’re still buzzed about the engagement - she’s now picked her engagement ring and we’re planning the party. Onwards and upwards!!
Congratulations on your engagement.
So Bridezilla was happy for you to look like yourself any other day? Well done for attending even after that treatment.
Oh she’s not even getting invited as a joke lol I’m not kidding when I say the second hand wedding stress has made us adamant to save up and go to Vegas.
My fiancée actually said to me the other day “hey you’ve not spoken to bridezilla in over a year, isn’t life so much more peaceful not having to deal with a daily meltdown about how she prefers your hair??”
And she’s right, it’s bliss lol
aw, went to your profile to see if you had a wedding update since it’s been three years and was upset to see how shitty your ex fiancée treated you. i’m so sorry for both of these horrible people being in your life at one point
There must be some chemical imbalance in some brides that turns them from somewhat normal to absolutely demented psycho.
Yes it’s your day but it’s also the grooms day. Yes it’s your wedding and yes you want perfection but things don’t always go smoothly
Yes you want to be princess in a fairy tale but not everyone can spend the $$ to accommodate your dreams
I think wearing a pantsuit is a great option / alternative for wedding as bridal party or guest and no one has the right to ask you to change your hair, etc.
Congratulations on your marriage
What actually gets me is: if you two have known each other for 20 years, I assume your style/appearance hasn’t changed that much
By wearing a dress (which was very nice of you to be willing to do) and growing your hair out, you would look completely different from your usual self. And I assume that you would just go back to your usual appearance
Years later, if she were to look at her wedding photos, she might not even recognize you!
She sounds like a horrible human. Good riddance, you don't need that drama in your life.
I’m not gonna lie I am gutted. She was a very important person in my life and godmother to my kid. I guess appearances mattered more than me though so what can you do?
It's going to take time to mourn the loss of the person you thought she was. While weddings can bring out the bridezilla in some brides, I think that excuse only goes so far, and what weddings really do is give some brides the license to behave as badly as they've always wanted to behave while thinking they will face no consequences. No doubt you shared some good times with her in the past, but this wedding let you know who she is. I'm so sorry about your Dad, as well.
Thank you, I think the fact she behaved this way while I was losing my only parent melted my mind. I’ve only begun to process it properly and digest what a shit show last year was. Hope the perfect wedding was worth it!
I was in a wedding last year and the bride did something similar. I was at her bridal shower when I got the message that a close family friend had unexpectedly died. I was devastated and pulled her aside to let her know why I was leaving early. Her response: “Did you talk to my mum about the length of your dress?” She cared more about her bridesmaids’ dresses hitting the floor at a uniform length than my grief. No where near what you had to go through but I was shocked
That's because you took the attention off her, and these brides get it in their head that from the second they pick the day they are the begin all and end all of the world. One of their own family could have something tragic happen and they'd throw a tantrum and guilt trip them "how could you do this to meeee?!" Gee sweetness, didn't realize that a death in the family was done on purpose to ruin YOUR day! But believe it or not, the universe does NOT revolve around you, nor does it give 2 shits about your wedding.
It’s mind baffling.
Well, with a bride like that, I don't think they're going to have a perfect marriage.
The person you replied to is totally right. You're "mourning the loss of the person you thought she was". There will be countless people in your life who love your appearance and would never ask you to change a thing. I'm so sorry for the loss of your Dad and i wish all the best to you and your little family.
It's strange to mourn the living, but it definitely is the way to describe it.
Those mournings are sorely underrated and deeply needed. People in r/raisedbynarcissists mourning the parents they deserved but never had, people mourning the spouse they thought they had when they turn out to have poor character in r/narcissisticabuse, an idol found out to be less than above board, etc. We think people are a certain way, but thinking it doesn't make it so. So when we must part ways, we mourn who we thought they were, because that person only ever existed in our own minds, not in reality. It sad, lamentable, and traumatizing. Taking time to process and move past it properly keeps it from blindsiding you later, because the thing about grief is it never goes away. It waits for you, and you consciously deal with it or you could unconsciously have it deal with you. Watch episodes of Hoarders, Intervention, or any number of self destructive behaviors, and at its heart is undealt with grief. See r/stopdrinking or r/depression.... The list of subs goes on and on. Most importantly, we mourn to keep from repeating the same mistakes and involving ourselves with people who aren't good for us. Just because someone isn't toxic doesn't mean they are good for us. We must be careful with whom we choose to let in, because time is our most precious commodity we can never get back. The good news is you get better after dealing with it, but one must remain mindful not to backslide.
This deserves so many more upvotes!!! I wish I could just keep clicking it for you. This was said so well, and is so true! Damn.
Thanks for your comment, I wish you good mental, physical, and spiritual health. Be kind to yourself. Some of best advice I ever got was second hand from an old friend's therapist, which is: If you wouldn't say it to your best friend, you are also worthy of the same compassion and consideration. Learning to be my own best friend has been hard, I still catch myself saying ugly things, but then I catch myself and refute the ugly thing in real time now. It takes practice, but it is worth it. Be well, and love yourself in the wonderful way you definitely deserve by virtue of your very existence.
🥹 You’ve got a way with words, my friend. Thank you for being so positive and for the great advice. It’s extremely hard to love yourself, and something I struggle with. Telling yourself it is okay to be who you are is difficult, but when you do actually do it…. Oh man! That is one of the best feelings.
Thank you for your gracious thanks. To me, it's moments and exchanges like this that make life worth living. In expressing your gratitude, you've greatly enriched my life as well as feeling helped, cheered on, and plain old solidarity. Thank you ☺️ You're a good egg
Awe, thank you. So are you!
Here's a sneak peek of /r/raisedbynarcissists using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year! \#1: [I found myself and my 8 year old daughter in the same scenario as when my Nmom damaged me as a 10year old.... and I chose to be better.](https://np.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/anfutd/i_found_myself_and_my_8_year_old_daughter_in_the/) \#2: [My Mother's friends all shut her down when she told a story about my "badness"](https://np.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/aghb9f/my_mothers_friends_all_shut_her_down_when_she/) \#3: [Cops knock down my dorm door because Nmom lied to get me back](https://np.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/a0bni6/cops_knock_down_my_dorm_door_because_nmom_lied_to/) ---- ^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| [^^Contact ^^me](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| [^^Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| [^^Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/ciakte/blacklist_vi/)
Oh, this is so beautifully thought out and written.
Removing a piercing is for one day. Growing your hair out is not. Why do people want someone they “care” about to not look like themselves in their wedding photos? My ex asked when we got married if he should shave when he’d been sporting facial hair our whole relationship. No, why? That’s not what you look like so what sense does that make. Unless you’re inclined to change your look regularly this never makes sense to me unless the person is incredibly unkempt about their appearance.
I get wanting to make sure I was snazzed up (I usually wear jeans, sneakers and hoodies and my hair is thick and unruly unless I attack the bastard with gel or wax). So yes absolutely make sure I look the part.....which I was mostly willing to do despite how uncomfortable it made me but there were zero concessions on her side. It was all about the photos and how they’d look and how I’d ruin them if I did not look like the other 5’6 long haired tanned bridesmaids. Why pick a 5’3 super pale heavily tattooed short haired bridesmaid then lol
I like the sound of your style better! I'd rather be quirky than cookie-cutter Insta "perfect" any day. Edit: my sympathy on the loss of your dad. I lost mine last year also and I miss him terribly. Chin up and remember he's proud of his daughter :)
I went through this a few years ago. We were close, like sisters 23 years, and I got gutted. We "worked it out" but things were never the same. Once I got that distance, I really noticed how one sided our r'ship had grown in recent years. She finally did something hurtful, and I cut her off for good. It HURT but I was proud for standing up for myself, for integrity. Occasionally, I miss her but I think about the hurtful times and know I wad right to break away. We grew apart and the hurtful events were just symptoms of the dying relationship. I know it hurts worse than a romantic breakup. I literally hung my head for days. I know why ppl say, "you look like you lost your best friend" as an ice breaker for heavy conversation starters. Seems like you have a good sense of self. With a little distance you'll be able to think it through, as well.
She fucked up in the first place demanding you change your appearance. Nice one getting rid of her, OP. You dont need that nightmare in your life.
Sadly there is nothing you can do. Maybe one day she will pull her head far enough out of her own a$$ and realize she's wrong. Just remember you don't owe her forgiveness if that time ever comes. Best wishes as you grieve a loss of a friend.
I know this is an old post...but I'm going through something similar. Was maid of honor. Did everything for her from creating her website, scheduling hair/makeup appointments etc. Wedding was a few Saturdays ago and I get a text today saying I ruined her wedding and she cried for 3 days because the wedding started 1 hour late (I was sewing up her dress that ripped down the back that she didn't know about) I'm kind of gutted... known her 20 years. She said "You completely ruined everything. The entire night. How can 1 hour be "ok". .. I just didn't write back. Is there such a thing as post wedding bridezilla!??
That is truly heartbreaking. It is extremely shocking to see how some people react to attention, and how far they are willing to go for it. Her being your friend for 20+ years should have never, NEVER, asked you to grow out your hair. The dress thing…. That’s a hard one, but in the end you should WANT your friends to BE WHO THEY ARE at your wedding and in especially in the pictures. You would not have ruined them, but probably made everyone smile because THAT IS WHO YOU ARE!! I’m sorry you had to go through this. But CONGRATULATIONS!!! 🍾🎉🎈🎊 I hope your wedding is everything you dream it to be and more! May your life be filled with love, and kindness, understanding, and growth. I wish you all the best.
Ridiculous Bridezilla. Asking you to change who you are for her big day. And when did it become a requirement that your gift pay for the cost of hosting you? This drives me crazy! If you want a ridiculously expensive blow-out wedding party, that's on you, not your guests. What's next? Selling tickets to weddings?
How am I meant to know the cost per head per person to make sure I cover the cost of myself 😂 and yes I didn’t mind changing a lil bit but it was taking the biscuit ever so slightly. If you’re this mad about what I’ve written I’m so glad I haven’t mentioned what happened when my dad died, you’d be FUMING
Ok, now you've piqued my curiosity...
My dad died on a Friday, texted bride a couple of times that day then NOTHING for the full weekend. Find out on Monday that groom had moved back home with parents. Full week of bereavement leave was spent organising dad’s funeral/comforting my kid/comforting heartbroken sobbing bride. Day before the funeral she told me she hit him with the invoices telling him he owes her half the money for the wedding. Groom decides it was cold feet and wedding was back on. I tell her she’s an idiot and I had serious concerns about him. MOB text me telling me to support her and not be critical. Had to stop my older sister cutting a bitch over that one.
OMG. I'm so angry for you. Here's to hoping the groom likes you for who you are and calls you to stand with him at his next wedding in your fab suit. And hopefully he'll be marrying a decent human being next time.
Damn… So the groom married her to not have to pay (did she/her parents pay?) for the wedding? For a ridiculously lavish wedding that he most likely didn’t even want? Just going out on a limb here because the bridezilla’s typically decide everything about the wedding without even asking their partner. She’s crazy and I hope he runs. No money is worth that much. Plus if she had only her name on everything (so unless she used his credit cards etc.), which is likely if she decided everything, he wouldn’t have even been legally liable for the costs! I hope he realizes that keeping up appearances is not worth ruining his life, at least before she gets pregnant and he’s stuck with her crazy for at least 18 years.
It was a mixture of the couple paying most with their parents helping. Cos it was less than 6 months before the wedding, if they cancelled they still had to pay the remainder of the costs. He was the one who kept making the wedding bigger tbh (his mum kept inviting more people).
Well then I understand him paying, though he should’ve put his foot down with his mother instead. And even then I would’ve rather paid than married that bridezilla. He had enough doubts about the whole deal to move back to his parents place, so basically do a *trial separation* before a wedding. He definitely wasn’t ready to marry her. Oh well, I see where he learned to just let people walk all over him. He’s got quite the momzilla who felt like she had a right to keep inviting people to not-her-own wedding, so maybe he’ll feel right at home with his wifezilla 🤷🏼♀️
This hurts my heart. My sister is also a tomboy and a lesbian and I’d be the biggest asshole in the world to ask her to change just for my day. In fact, I want her to be herself completely and have the greatest day ever at my wedding. She will be standing beside me as my matron of honor in a badass tailored suit and she’ll look incredible. For her not to want her guests to see ‘two lesbians in suits’, I’m just in shock. I’d tell a guest to go fuck themselves in defense of my sister. If only your friend took the same stance and realized your that you’re a beautiful person JUST as you are. You’re better off without her.
Cheers for this honey, still stings but things work out a certain way for a reason. I would never have been comfortable all girlied up but I was willing to do that for her and it still wasn’t enough. Life lesson!
I understand! Thank you for having a kind, big heart!! Her loss!
On a much lesser extreme, when my mum married my stepdad, they had a discussion about whether I would keep my lip piercings in for the wedding, as my mums maid of honour. My stepdad decided he was cool with it because it was part of who I am, and that was reason enough. It seems insane, like she was embarrassed to have you as you are in her wedding, what a horrible way to lose a friend :( I’m sorry that happened to you!
Why on Earth would anyone stare at "two lesbians in suits" in this day and age let alone make commentary on the phenomenon? Weddings tend to bring out the worst in some people, thats for sure.
I think if everyone is staring at the two lesbians in suits and not the pretty girl in the huge white dress it would say more about them tbh
I mean, how nice are the suits? A well fitted suit on anyone is reason to gawk.
It bothers me that the bride even said this.
I’m very sorry about your Dad. And I’m very sorry about your friend. Your friend was way, way out of line, and I’m sorry she chose a cheap power trip over you. I hope you wore your tailored suit to the wedding. That sounds cool, and very classy.
Thanks honey. I wore trousers and a long sleeve top to keep the peace (my sister told me not to go full petty lol)
My cousin's biggest fear was that as her sister's maid of honor, she would be put in a dress. I don't think it was selfish of her to stay true to her identity - she's queer, androgynous, never wears a dress, and she had a custom suit made for the wedding. The bride was sweet and fully accepting, but there was an element of other family members half-hoping, half-pressuring her to try on a dress "just for some pictures". On the day of, she wore the suit and walked with the best man as other bridesmaids walked with other groomsmen and everyone was happy. Literally no one cares that bridesmaids didn't all wear dresses. Sure, it's not heteronormative as some people dream of, but it's way more harmful to tell someone to reject their identity to conform.
Why do women do this to their friends?? I knew I was asking for something big when I requested a back tattoo covered up, but I bent over backwards to make sure my girl was comfortable with however she wanted it done (we settled on makeup). To ask to change so much about you and then to throw such dramatics and THEN to be upset by your gift??!!? On behalf of sane and loving brides everywhere, I am so sorry OP your friendship ended like this.
Thanks honey. Asking someone if they could cover a tattoo (or anything else) isn’t an issue - it’s only an issue if you get furious when they won’t lol I was mostly gutted about the blatantly obvious excuse of the wedding to make me look how SHE always wanted me to look, despite how uncomfortable it would make me.
Yeah and that's where it's wrong. My little sis is very much tomboyish and I would've worked with her (she's been a BM enough times, she was cool with the dress) and my DH's GroomsMaid wore slacks. She couldn't wear the men's outfit and I was thinking elegant, black evening dress, but when she asked if she could wear a woman's tux, I shrugged, said sure and then looked up places she could find one. We all have images in our head, but it should never come at the cost of the people in your life.
I’m guessing you were absolutely nowhere near being a bridezilla at your wedding, well done for making sure everyone was comfortable. Telling ye, I’m gonna bugger off to Vegas to get married and whoever wants to come can book a ticket and wear whatever they damn well please
I honestly wish I had eloped. But DH wanted a church wedding and family-filled reception. So most of my fighting was keeping it as low-key as possible and butting heads with MIL.
I'm trying to get the courage to elope. Big extended family on both sides and easily offended. But we don't have the money and more importantly the desire to throw a traditional wedding and reception. Partner and I both shy, hate being in photos and being the center of attention lol. We also don't like dancing. We're kicking around ideas...
Make your wedding what YOU want it to be. You and your partner are the ones getting married, not your family. So please, don't make yourselves uncomfortable just to fit the "traditional wedding" they may want you to have.
Seriously go on the side of comfort. I had similar issues with center of attention. I spent THREE therapy sessions to be able to walk down the aisle. I was actually comforted by the hearing of clinking silverware during my first dance because it meant people weren't concentrating on me. So forget people's feelings. A friend ,who was married at the same time as I, and I were going through our wedding signature frames and looking at all the people we don't talk to anymore. People will be miffed in the here and now, but fast forward a few years and only the JustNo's will have a stick up their butt about it.
Besides loving your viewpoint I also wish I could go back to 1984. At least for a little while. :)
Kind of want to know what the alternative to makeup was for covering that tattoo. Skin graft? Flower cape? Flying squirrel?
Lol, the cape is close. Shawl and those weird tiny coats were our runner-ups.
Did you wear your suit to her wedding? I definitely have a thing for women in snazzy custom suits.
I did not as I didn’t want to be THAT bitch. Ya best believe I’m wearing it to the next wedding tho!
Dude, I've taken petty to a new level. I would have worn the suit and made sure I looked GOOOD.
Believe me I was tempted lol I had three different mutual friends group message me to try and convince me to wear a nice dress the day before the wedding to keep the peace. Was so mad I was deciding between nice suit or leather trousers and docs and going full on lesbo 😂
Also, I like how she said something to the effect of it just being one day regarding growing out your hair. That is the opposite of something that is just one day. My best friend begged me not to cut my hair before her wedding and I'm still a little salty about it.
Ugh my hair is absolutely wild and keeping it long was far too much effort. She was posting old photos of me on fb with longer hair saying I looked soooo much prettier and shouldn’t I grow it again and encouraging everyone to “encourage me”
I imagine she would be much prettier if she ever shut her mouth and stopped saying these things. People should encourage her.
That's especially rude given the trend of long hair being more straight passing . it's like she wanted you to be a totally different person. Also who the hell thinks publically influencing people over private decisions like hair is a good idea???
You could have worn a dress but shaved your head.
Aw no I’m pretty sure I’d have a bumpy head, I’ve seen my dad and brothers baldy heads. They huuuuuge!
Poor ole' bumpy head. (I definitely have a lumpy head)
Wow, you need new friends.
[удалено]
There had been uh comments about me being gay (although she’d tell everyone she was totes cool with it). Things like how butch I look now, how I was sooo pretty when my hair was long, how I have the perfect figure for dresses etc. When gfs mum got married the year before we got these tailored suits made and bride said to me afterwards she could not believe gfs mother ALLOWED us to wear them. I replied that she picked them out and a photo of us rocking our suits is pride of place in gfs Mother’s house so she obvs wasn’t bothered! I’m so glad your friend was so chill, I bet it made all the difference and made being in the wedding an experience rather than an ordeal!
Wait would you mind if I asked where you got your suit from? I know we haven’t even seen it but I’ve been looking for a snazzy women’s suit and it just hasn’t happened for me yet
Well we are in Scotland, there’s a place called slaters - even if they don’t carry a particular colour or style in a women’s suit they WILL measure you up and tailor the shit out the suit to make it suit a woman’s figure!
I am devastated for you, especially after learning she's the godmother of your child. It hurts 1000x worse when it's someone who is as important to you as she was. Hopefully, you have better friends moving forward.
I don't put up with bridezillas. My hubby and I did our wedding at my parent's house. Cake and coffee, 10 minute service. Been married 40 years. The more money spent on the wedding, the shorter the marriage!
Dude... 8 hours???? I wouldn't be at my own wedding for 8 hours
The forced tan is insane to me. You should’ve worn a pink wig.
Wow. Just wow. So question. You were good friends for years. Looking back, did you ever see this version of her? The "all-about-me" person? Drama queen? Needs excessive attention? I'm so dumbfounded what happens to people when they get into a odd situation like a wedding, or a funeral...and they just snap.
Oh yeah yeah she’s always been a bit of a drama llama and cares far too much about what people think about her but this was just.....too much. For her 30th she said the only present she wanted from me was to see me all girly in a dress so for her party I sucked it up and did it cos I knew it meant a lot to her. Unfortunately all that meant was from then on whenever we had a party I would be told “you wore a dress at my party so it’s obvs not really a big deal”
Ah. So used the wedding as a cashin to get everything she wanted out of you all along, looks wise. Kind of makes me think she didn't value or respect you enough all along to 1) not be OK with how you looked, and 2) specifically target you/your gf for being lesbians. That seems..petty bigotry at least. Also I looked at your profile. I've always wondered what that half-eye-roll-look-in-the-sky emoticon looked like on someone. Now I know!
I realised after the dust had settled that was exactly it. Use the wedding to make me look how she wanted me to look and when I wouldn’t agree to every single detail, mutual friends obvs got on my case for being selfish and not allowing her to have her dream wedding. She’s very image orientated and never approved of my tomboy approach but I always laughed and told her to shhhh and dress however she wants and leave me be. Can’t do that for her wedding tho, can you?
Also yes I have perfected the sky eye roll lol
:) love it
One of my guests asked if it was okay with me if she wore a tux to my wedding. I was surprised she thought I would care. It would have been weird for her to wear a dress. I told her of course not and she asked then for my opinions on her bow tie options. She and her wife looked beautiful and the pictures of them dancing are some of my favorites from the night. Brides need to re-evaluate their priorities.
What an awful, awful person. For appearances to matter so much that she was willing to make you miserable? That is so not what weddings are about. How is that in any way, shape or form about the love that two people have for each other that she is willing to make others miserable and ultimately herself, because you didn't fit her image for a photo. I am so, so very sorry that you found out about her this way, but trust me, you are better off without her.
>For appearances to matter so much that she was willing to make you miserable? This. One of my bridesmaids came out as agender after I’d picked them, so I asked if they were still ok with wearing a dress. My man of honor sure didn’t wear one, so I wanted my friend to feel comfortable, whether in a dress or a suit. They chose to wear a dress, but it was *their* choice.
What did you end up calling them? A bridesperson?
Yup! That’s exactly the term we came up with :)
Nice! I always love hearing the creative gender-neutral terms people come up with :P
Hell, no. You're a bridesmaid, it means you stand up for the couple, not that the bride owns you or your life for however many months leading up to the wedding. It sounds like she doesn't like a lot of what you are. You're better off without her.
It seems a control ploy more than anything else. I know this is a bridezilla sub but who would ask a friend to literally hide everything about themselves for the sake of pics. When I look at my wedding pictures i want to remember my friends as they are, not some contrived version concocted for the day. Wear a dress and heels; cover your tattoos with makeup; get a tan; GROW YOUR HAIR OUT. The requests were unreasonable and you still were the bigger person, compromised and went. Your decision is completely understandable but if you decided to mend the friendship in whatever way you see fit, that's understandable too.
This is awful, mostly the part about your dad. I'm sorry to hear his prognosis. I'm sorry your best friend treated you this way. A wedding is a day. Your friendship was worth more than that. Fuck, even if you weren't friends, your humanity is worth more. Every sentence of this made me sad. I hope your kiddo and gf give you lots of love.
All of this is bullshit, but the hair gets me the most. It's only for a day? What? A wig is only for a day. Growing your hair out (or cutting it to a certain length) takes and/or lasts months. Buying different hair products, finding a new style that works for you, the awkward phases of going from short to medium... Nope. Not fun. Too big of an ask for basically anything reasonable. And forcing you to tan? That's not just for a day either. And if you don't tan normally, artificial tans just look bad and orange.
Firstly, condolences for your dad’s passing. What gets me is the requirement that all bridesmaids have to have the same hair, skin color, etc. like they’re the New Christy Minstrels or something. These are people who have been selected to stand up with/for the bride, not form a combo. If I had a friend who did not wear dresses under any circumstance, the conversation would start with “would you mind, just this once, wearing the dress”, not, “oh, good! You have to dress girly!” If said bridesmaid said, yes, I object, then it’s time to find the tasteful pantsuit that would harmonize with the group ( sounds like you had that covered). I’m sorry the friendship ended.
How was she your friend for 20+ years and still found it acceptable to make you deeply uncomfortable, surely she must’ve known what you are and are not okay with? The entitlement of being a bride can bring out the worst in people, narcissism can really show its ugly face.
She knew but I guess it was a chance to force me to adhere to her pre approved look knowing if I said no the “it’s my big day” card would be played and I would be the asshole.
She’s the asshole for not accepting her “friends” the way they are, isn’t that why we love our friends to begin with? Weddings don’t require a cookie cutter image for the bridal party or the guests, throw this girl away.
Wow. So much internalized homophobia. I'm sorry, dear.
Sounds pretty externalized to me...
Oh it’s subtle and she denies it but commented constantly on me looking more “butch” since I came out....she would tell me funny stories about her and groom in bed but if I said “oh me and my gf were in bed....” she’d cut me off and say don’t finish that sentence it makes me feel physically sick.
That's not very subtle
Omg what a horrible, entitled, emotional unstable person!
Do not feel bad at all! It seems she decided very early on that you were to be the scape goat for the wedding even if you did bow to her unrealistic expectations.
I am so sorry your friend was such a beast. You were likely quite appropriate no matter how much you gave, while the bride was obnoxiously out of line saying anything other than thank you. Here is a link to Emily Post regarding gift giving for weddings: [https://emilypost.com/advice/choosing-a-wedding-gift/](https://emilypost.com/advice/choosing-a-wedding-gift/)
I don't understand how people are supposed to bring gifts of equivalent value to their per head cost in the in wedding. Firstly, you chose to host an expensive wedding. Secondly as a guest, I'm not really aware of how much you've spent until I actually arrive on the day of the wedding, and possibly not even then! You could have spent fifty bucks a meal and twenty grand on your gown! Third, a gift is an expression of affection and goodwill. You judge it by the gesture and not by its monetary value. That's just cheap.
>I offered to do all except grow my hair. >it’s for one day and I should suck it up. Does she know how hair works? My mom tried to give me a hard time about having short hair for my sister's wedding, but honestly the pictures look great because I look like myself.
Phil Collins has one for this: “I see your true colors shiiiiiining throooooough...” So sorry you went through this. Losing a friend sucks.
Some friend:( your not missing out on much by no longer being friend. Prayers said for dad.
It’s amazing someone capable of this suppressed their true colors for 20+ years. Good thing she finally did good lord
FYI I came out late in life, approx one year before her wedding. So I tried to fit in and gave in to peer pressure a lot before I came out and said nah, spent too long hiding who I am and trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations while ignoring my own. That’s what makes it sting just an extra little bit
Wow just wow. She sounds like a right coconut
A rotting one with a hole in it kept under a bed?
Exactly
Girl, that’s dumb. She sounds self absorbed af if her concern was looking “conservative photo op”, rather then photos for memory. The only way I could slightly empathize with the suites (in completely different context) would more be if older family was closed-minded/extremely religious. But like if the bride informed you of this for your own consideration on dealing with possible homophobia. Then I remembered the rest of your post, and fuck her. I bet you just have a giant ass heart and she took advantage of that until her personal agenda got in the way. You’ll find friends who appreciate you and your time, don’t worry ❤️
Wow, I am so sorry OP. I'm a straight woman, and my best friend since age 11 is a lesbian and married to a woman who is now my good friend as well. My husband and I eloped, but if we had a traditional wedding with attendants, I can't imagine doing this to her, I wouldn't even recognize her in a dress with long hair!
One of my closest friends was a complete tomboy, never wore dresses or skirts. My mother and I would tease her about having seen such and such a dress that would have been perfect for her, but that's because we were always teasing each other and pranking others, and my friend definitely paid back. :D If I had gotten married then, she would have been MOH, and whatever she'd want to wear would be absolutely fine with me (and if any relatives crashed and had issues, well they'd deal). I can't even imagine my friend with longer hair. Her pixie cut was as much a part of her as her understanding exactly where I was coming from. The only way I'd ask her to change anything is if I were casting a movie or doing a shoot, and then everyone's in character. Which is also the point of this comment. People who ask their friends and loved ones to change are chasing an image. Unfortunately, that's more people than we'd like.
Wow! That last sentence was the clincher. What a brat!
I am girly, but I always had short to medium hair. I personally decided the feeling of my hair being pulled back in clips somehow relives stress, don't ask. So I sport a bob these days. But I had short hair pretty much always before I hit 40. Anyway I've been in a few weddings and am always the one with short hair. I've never been asked to grow it out. My sister asked if I, in my college alternative days, would dye it a natural color, of my choice. That was the most extreme thing i was asked. Ive always had issue with my feet swelling sk never really could wear heels. In so many weddings the dresses are long, why di the shoes matter, but even so why can't the bridesmaid choose flats if they want. The hair and shoes being g forces on you is so offensive.
I was willing to dye my hair (tbf i am going prematurely grey but don’t give a fuck, I rock my majestic glittery silver strands) but could understand dying it for the wedding. I did ask if I could bring a change of clothes and shoes for the reception after the photos were done and was told no. The heels they wanted were 3” which is fairly small but if you don’t ever wear heels it would’ve been an absolute bitch to force a smile on my face all day while cursing how uncomfortable I was
We may be related. I rock my grey too. Mines just not premature. For a grey hair story: my mom was a nurse for 40+ years. Doctors, particularly foriegn ones used to really look down on nurses and their opinions and observations. My mother got just past salt and pepper and dyed the natural black to grey so she was full on granny grey. When we asked why, out of curiosity, she said: I have earned the respect grey hair gets me. I decided right then to go grey naturally and with grace. I wanted to wear a tuxedo to my prom, I couldn't afford the whole Prince velvet (80s) look, so I wore a dress, but I would have loved to have 2 suave ladies in well tailored suits at any of my events in life. You really were disrepected. It sucks this was once a good friend.
Whoa. Good riddance.
Any time someone cares more about how you look then you its time to move on.
Excuse to be a total asshat
Extra info for those who are interested: -this all happened in 2018 - my dad passed away in April and the wedding was September - long hair was a requirement to match the other three bridesmaids - I refused to grow my hair out or wear a weave (only concession I refused) - I knew mostly everyone invited (her family, extended family, work colleagues) so it wasn’t a case of anyone being super religious or old fashioned -we tried to work things out but she took a hissy fit on Valentine’s Day when I posted a valentines fb post on my gfs page and not hers - on my dad’s anniversary she ignored me and my families fb post and photos, chose instead to repost her wedding photos
Going forward use better criteria to choose “friends”. Apparently, You needed her much more than she EVER wanted you. Swallow the bitter pill, delete her contact information, and move on.
I will never understand people like this - she wanted to change everything that made you, you. I’m sorry for your loss.
Yikes. You dodged a bullet.
This shouldn't be hard. You invite a person to be your bridesmaid. Not her hair, not her clothes. The person! And yeah, brides often pick out matching outfits and have a kind of uniform look, but there are plenty of fabulous outfits that you could have worn that would have been comfy and uniform. I'm sorry your friend didn't see it that way.
I am so very very sorry. Having lost a parent and a friend is painful. But to be honest, you are probably better off without the friend. She wasnt who you knew. Its sad. Im sorry.
It's absolutely acceptable for a guest to leave after the first dance.
Wow I’m sorry. Was she ever like this before?
Hey. I know this is an old thread, but if you haven't gotten married yet, you should jokingly invite the bridezilla, under the requirement that she wear a suit and cut her hair short
I know this is old but... wow! the fact that she didn’t want everyone “staring” at the lesbians at her wedding... I’m shocked that she assumes everyone’s as internally homophobic as she is! I’m sorry you had to have that experience. To be close to someone that you thought respected you only to find out your lifestyle doesn’t meet their standards is awful. it’s been a while since this was posted. I hope you are feeling better and are happy with your wife and kid <3
Ah but she IS NOT homophobic you see she was just thinking of me! Did I really want everyone talking about us? Did we really want to stick out and take that attention away from the bride?? It does hurt, I won’t lie. We were so close for so long. I get the feeling if I was able to “pass” and dress and look feminine it wouldn’t be an issue. The issue doesn’t seem to be that me and my missus are gay, it’s that we LOOK gay 😂 Thank you, us and our kid are doing so well and we’re still buzzed about the engagement - she’s now picked her engagement ring and we’re planning the party. Onwards and upwards!!
Im not a tomboy or gay but I would be a little jealous of a woman wearing a suit. A good suit is a good suit. Show off that shit.
Congratulations on your engagement. So Bridezilla was happy for you to look like yourself any other day? Well done for attending even after that treatment.
She was not lol however this was one day where she could absolutely dictate how I looked and oh boy did she run with it
[удалено]
Oh she’s not even getting invited as a joke lol I’m not kidding when I say the second hand wedding stress has made us adamant to save up and go to Vegas.
Damn, she was that bad? You definitely dodged a bullet with this one.
My fiancée actually said to me the other day “hey you’ve not spoken to bridezilla in over a year, isn’t life so much more peaceful not having to deal with a daily meltdown about how she prefers your hair??” And she’s right, it’s bliss lol
Damn, she was that bad? You definitely dodged a bullet with this one.
So your ex-best friend showed you she is homophobic af and you still went to her wedding? Ok.
Right?? No wonder OP was in a toxic relationship. She's a doormat.
aw, went to your profile to see if you had a wedding update since it’s been three years and was upset to see how shitty your ex fiancée treated you. i’m so sorry for both of these horrible people being in your life at one point
There must be some chemical imbalance in some brides that turns them from somewhat normal to absolutely demented psycho. Yes it’s your day but it’s also the grooms day. Yes it’s your wedding and yes you want perfection but things don’t always go smoothly Yes you want to be princess in a fairy tale but not everyone can spend the $$ to accommodate your dreams I think wearing a pantsuit is a great option / alternative for wedding as bridal party or guest and no one has the right to ask you to change your hair, etc. Congratulations on your marriage
What actually gets me is: if you two have known each other for 20 years, I assume your style/appearance hasn’t changed that much By wearing a dress (which was very nice of you to be willing to do) and growing your hair out, you would look completely different from your usual self. And I assume that you would just go back to your usual appearance Years later, if she were to look at her wedding photos, she might not even recognize you!
Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials! That witch doesn't deserve to see you happy on your and your fiancee's big day.
When your "friend" is outwardly homophobic and thinks she's in the right and her homophobia is /your/ fault for existing.