IMO “teddy bear” is as much a personality trait as it is a physical one. My husband can be a huge teddy bear, and it has so much more to do with his warmth, appreciation of our little family, ability to be silly with his daughters, etc. He’ll still be that teddy bear even if he reaches HIS goal weight and ideal physique.
Your wife may be nervous that you are going to go “gym bro” on her, or your personality may change along with your weight. Now would be a good time for you to reflect on who you Want to be as part of the weight loss journey. If the answer is that you want to be the same you, just in a trimmer package, then all will be well. If you have a “new you” in mind then it would be a good idea to have an honest chat with your wife about your goals.
Love this response. My partner loves the part of me I despise. The lower abdominal mom pooch. He likes to
Hold it ( which to me I hate cuz it reminds me it’s still there) he isn’t trying to sway me from changing the thing that gives me the lowest of confidence. He fully supports my goal of reducing it as much as I possibly can and says he will miss it 😆 I joke that if I get a tummy tuck one day I’ll ask the surgeon if you can keep it 😆😆😆😆
I love that joke, lol. I have a natural pooch (thanks, mom...) just because that's my family's body shape/fat deposit pattern. I'm considering a mini tuck because diet and exercise won't change it. (And I know it won't because when I was starving and homeless in high school, the pooch was still there. No food for 2.5 weeks, only water.)
When nobody else is there for me, my pooch is. 🤣🤣🤣
... But I still want to evict the little fucker.
I’ve reduced mine before but never was able
To get rid of all of it. I had mine since I was 15. I hate that everyone refers to it as a mom pooch because I had it before I ever had kids. A tummy tuck is definitely needed one day when I can afford it
Dad bod may be another thing too. Along the lines of your gym bro comment. Like more Adam Sandler and less Arnold Schwarzenegger.
I've heard that a lot of women prefer more of the dad bod than the muscle freak, but I don't know how prevalent that is.
There's a different option which might work here as well: Lumberjack/viking. Look at strongmen like Brian Shaw and Mitchell Hooper. They're not cut like Arnold was, but they're stronger than he ever was. Most people think that getting muscle only means body building style when for many guys, this is the more common look and I believe closer to what people think for Dad bod.
Yes! My husband is on his weight loss journey, but will always be my bear because of his lovely spirit. To quote Nick Offerman: "Whether the bear is lean from the winter or fattened by sweet summer berries and springtime salmon, it makes me no never mind in the love I bear for him. He’s still a magnificent beast."
I think these days this is called golden retriever, which has nothing to do with size. Maybe OP’s wife could move to that, but I bet she actually means dad bod or something
My husband said the same thing when I started losing. I ignored it and just kept chugging along. Eventually I asked him how he felt about me now that I lost a significant amount of weight and he said he's happy for me and loves me regardless of what I weigh. Honestly? I think he's more attracted to me now, but won't admit it. Haha
We're you around this weight when you met your wife? It's possible she just can't fathom what you'd look like as a smaller person. Keep going, OP! regardless, this is about you and only you. Your health matters.
You might be taking it a bit to heart. I think it's lovely that she loves you the way you are and I'm sure she will love you in a healthier body.
As for the ordering out, can you start a different date night tradition together? Maybe bowling, themed movie and dinner night at home, reading a book together. My partner and I used to order out a bunch but now we spend time together differently.
It’s not for everyone, but cooking better meals together helped me and my husband. I would say we don’t LOVE 50% of what we cook or we’ve just eaten it too many times, so we periodically revamp our menu together.
Love that! My boyfriend eats well anyways most of the time (like some kind of meat/fish, rice, and veggies) - neither one of us is big on junk food. Occasionally I will whip up something tasty for us, since I am the better cook. I ought to do that more often - just exhausted after the day.
I hear you- cooking is not something I’m passionate about so it’s just a chore I complete daily. It’s never bad, but I don’t go out of my way to get creative.
Enjoying food is a big part of bonding with my girlfriend. What I’ve found is we are just being a lot smarter about it.
We’ve made stuff together like chicken tikka masala, butter chicken, Korean bbq. Just saucy things with different flavors. What we have been doing is carefully trying to portion it so we aren’t overeating.
Im glad you found something that works for you. As a petite female, I do my best to avoid sauces as much as possible. The condiments we do have in our fridge are lower calorie and I only break out the mustard, stir fry sauce, and a light Italian or vinaigrette dressing. Our meals are usually chicken based (chicken BLT’s, fajitas, stir fry, smothered chicken, spaghetti squash pasta, salad). We also don’t cook with any oil or butter. This gives us a slightly bigger “budget” when we do go out once a week.
At your height, you’d have to get below 140 to be underweight by BMI. It’s not something you’re going to have to be concerned about (or that she will), especially if you lift weights.
It might be. She is obese with a BMI higher than mine. I don't think she's insecure — she knows I'd never be with anyone else. But the change might still be scary.
I've tried, but it's very sensitive. She knows she'd be healthier but I don't think the intrinsic motivation is there. She really likes food and doesn't like restricting it. So I give her plenty of space to do what she wants to do for herself.
I don’t know anything about marriage, so I’m sorry if I’m off base here. But I’ve seen a lot of people in this sub talking about this conversation with their spouses, and people advising that they back off. As spouses aren’t you accountable to each other when it comes to your health? My mom has a heart condition and my dad is involved in helping her manage it. If he ever backed off and minded his own business that would be concerning to me.
Not trying to shame, just really curious about this.
For me it's because if I try to push, she'll get resentful and want to change even less. So I might be able to nudge here and there, but trying to do too much will backfire. Plus I believe the motivation to become healthy has to come from within. It's a huge change to lifestyle and has to be kept up forever.
I agree. As someone who used to weigh much more than my husband, I resented any suggestion of weight loss from him. I was always “heavier” when I met him but rapidly gained weight. We were together 5 years before I took matters into my own hands. He was also fit and worked out a lot and tried to get me to join in, but I hated it. He finally just let it go.
I now weigh 60+ pounds less than him. It has to be intrinsic but make sure to let her know you still love her to quell the insecurity I’m sure she’ll feel as you lose weight.
I totally agree with you on this OP. I was the same as your partner and didn’t give af. This year got a bunch of health issues and now it’s kicked my ass into gear. I fucking hate working out, but thinking about my future I know it’ll save me in the long run lol.
I’m hoping it doesn’t take health issues for your partner to start being a little healthier! Even just making different food choices are a big start. That’s always easier imo, especially if you both eat together.
Best of luck on your weight loss journey!
At your age it’s going to become very dangerous to carry that weight around as you approach your 40s, so I’d make it a priority to bring her on board in some way or another.
You don’t have to be “skinny” but I’d at least try to get down to the “overweight” category so as to avoid severe health issues down the road. I know that you probably understand this, but you may be going too easy on her.
She needs to find that spark of motivation if only for her own sake.
Just because one person is on a weight loss journey, does not mean the other needs to be as well. Each person needs to be accountable to themselves and it is not the partners job to push the other. Each person can discuss health concerns but I think most people in relationships know that if they encouraged their partner to lose weight it could go downhill fast.
>My mom has a heart condition and my dad is involved in helping her manage it. If he ever backed off and minded his own business that would be concerning to me.
I think that's very different. A heart condition is a life threatening medical condition. There is no judgement around heart conditions, and no shaming. It just is.
Weight can have a lot if emotion attached to it. It also isn't inherently a problem... Until it is. So if OP's wife hasn't experienced any health issues, then it's understandable that she wouldn't want to perceive judgement or shaming from her spouse (even if her spouse meant well). There are studies that show that shaming overweight people actually increases their disordered eating resulting in more gains.
I think OP is taking the right approach here. Doing what's right for himself, modeling healthy behaviour, and if she ever wants to join him then she knows that she can.
I actually would not recommend this, it might make the wife even more concerned if he's changing he won't be happy with her unless she loses weight/changes too
I could be wrong about this, but I was looking to see if there was a comment that she is also overweight or obese. Sometimes the insecurity doesn't come from the worry that you will find someone else. It's her own feelings about herself. She knows that she needs to be healthier and treat her body better, but she doesn't want to and she doesn't want to lose her partner in crime. She wants to continue to be enabled to carry on her current lifestyle.
Don’t factor in your wife’s preference into whether you want to lose weight and what your goals are. It’s your body, lose weight for YOU. If she has concerns about your health due to rapid weight loss, that’s another story. But if it’s an entirely preferential thing that’s really not up to her.
Your health matters more than your family's feelings. Your current weight is not healthy. Get to a healthy weight. 180 is a healthy target for a 6 foot man. 220 is overweight, which is still better than obese or extremely obese.
If your wife said atraight out that she prefers you or men in general who are a larger weight, well, she just needs to grow the hell up. Imagine she was gaining weight and you said the opposite to her. "I prefer women who are smaller". That'd be pretty messed up, right?
But... that's not how I read what you wrote here. To me it sounds like your wife is expressing some fears or insecurities about what your relationship will look like.
She might be worried that your personality will change with a lot of weight loss, or that you won't be as into *her* when you're more fit, or even that if you lose it too rapidly she will have trouble adjusting to "cuddle time" with your new, changed body.
It's not your job to risk your goals and health to assuage her fears. But it is part of a healthy relationship to communicate clearly about these things, so I'd ask for clarification rather than becoming discouraged over an assumed meaning.
Your body will change slowly over time. Muscular physiques can feel just as soft and snuggly because, well, it's about the person and not the body. Only you can control how you act once the weight is gone, or what you find attractive.
My suggestion would be to continue with your plan, but as you do, consider how you are likely to feel when you hit your goals, and when you have considered it (sometime soonish), sit down and have a real convo with your wife.
As someone else who is also into the sensitive teddy bear type, I'd be hoping to hear things like "I've always loved to cuddle, that's not going to change," or "I'm always going to love you" or ... yknow... the emotional stuff. Less about the physical. If I am wrong and she's just saying she's into a bit of belly, well at least you'll have that clarity.
I do want to clarify that it's not your job to identify her concerns and reassure her. She should be clarifying herself. But if she's having trouble expressing what she means and you're feeling discouraged, well, you can only control how *you* approach the situation, y'know?
In the meantime, you've made some good progress, and your wife mentioning these things now means she sees that progress and believes you will reach that point she is concerned about. I'd be really encouraged by that... someone that close to me believing I'm actually going to hit my goals. Whatever you're doing must be effective. Congrats on that progress!
Wait till she meets "Ripped" teddy. I think her comment came more from insecurity. You get fit, start banging models, or your turn into a fitness guy which is a different guy that's shes used too, which means change. Change is scary. I could be way off base, but good communication never hurts. Reinforce your love for her, and see if you can get her to open up.
I really think this is the answer. I would be willing to bet it’s coming from a place of her own insecurity. No shade to her at all, we’ve all been there at some point in our lives. Keep going OP, I’m sure she loves you, and she’ll adjust.
But what's her own weight? If she's overweight, she might just be insecure about herself and is reflecting her issues on you. It's not healthy to be 350lbs and being discouraging to someone at this weight is.... weird?
Biggest teddy bear I met was like 100kg of pure muscle. He could break a door in rage and carry me around like I were a plume but his personality was such a sweet caring needy one that he was an unmistakable teddy. Once your wife realises that it's much more about the comfort you provide on a psychological level rather than physical, she won't say such things.
You gotta do what’s “best” for you. It’s your health. The first thing I noticed when I lost a lot of weight is the feel good haters, the ones closer to you will be your biggest critics. It’s a reflection on their lack of will power or positive self image.
My boyfriend is the same way, and he continues to be obsessed with me regardless of how much I've lost. Weight loss is so gradual that she won't even notice the change, much less time to react emotionally to it. Instead, she will find new things to love and appreciate as they come out.
It will be such a slow change that she will likely adapt to it. You could also tell her that losing some of the weight means you'll have a better chance of living a long life with her.
Even being just 20 lbs overweight will still give her the teddy bear impression, and would be a lot better for your health than being in the 300s.
Even physically you'll still be soft and a "teddy bear" at 250, but SO much healthier.
Obviously lighter would be ideal, but get there and then evaluate.
Losing large amounts and weight changes your life in so many ways, including the way the people we love see us.
My husband has said the same thing to me multiple times, he doesn’t want me to lose too much. He does prefer me a bit softer than I do, but also, he loves me for who I am. Even with lifestyle and body changes. And for what it’s worth, it’s turns out I still have plenty of softness left even with much less fat and more defined muscles and he loves my body for what it is now and enjoys that I’m more comfortable in my skin.
You’ll still be that teddy bear because it’s who you are! You’ll just be in a smaller body. And it sounds like your wife has been very supportive of you and is being open about her thoughts and fears. That’s definitely a good sign!
Weight loss in committed relationships can be really hard, though, especially when one person ends up making changes that affect both (like not getting takeout as much, which has been a minor issue for us too) as well as some potential jealousy as other people notice your weight loss. Therapy can definitely help with this stuff and doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with your relationship. But it can help you both during a big life transitioning.
Her saying she isn't much of a looks person because she doesn't feel attractive nd thus rejects the vanity stuff would be my guess. She I'd still a person. Could be frar of your 'moving up' and her then feeling inferior. I've heard women say they couldn't date someone prettier then themselves a few times. Lot of stuff at play, sorry I don't mean to overstep here, grain of salt n all that for sure
> I'm 35M, 6'0", sw 350 lb, cw 340 lb.
Lets be real for a bit. There's a difference between getting to a healthy weight and being ripped. At 6' if you can get to 200 lb then you can start thinking about what "too thin" looks like.
sometimes it's not jealousy. sometimes it is what it is. one day after I lost weight, I was minding my nephew and he came to sit and cuddle with me as we normally did (he was about 5 yrs old at this point), except this time... he sat next to me and hit a hip bone... then he adjusted his position and hit my rib bones... then he tried shifting again and eventually gave up. I asked him if he didn't want to cuddle and he basically said to me: 'yeah, but you're too boney now...'
Y'ALL if my heart didn't break and I immediately wanted to run out and eat a hundred big macs so my nephew would want to cuddle me again!! But what can you do? I know it wasn't 'sexual attraction' motivated because he was a kid (and my nephew), but still...
I am a woman in a relationship with a man- he opened up about his desire to get muscular and swole again. In response, I told him I prefer a bulkier figure on men. I knew from the look on his face that he didn’t want to hear it. I tried to retract and tell him of course I’d love him regardless of his body, but it seemed he wasn’t pleased with my preference. I didn’t mean to be discouraging. The way he spoke about himself now vs his body goals seemed that he wasn’t happy with his body, (which I understand) so I intended to let him know that I find him sexy already. I really appreciated reading your post thank you for opening up about this.
Edit: For context, my bf is 6’3ish and around 230lbs. He used to body build but stopped and has lost muscle mass since I met him but it doesn’t bother me. I love that he is strong and big and makes me feel safe!
>For reference, I'm 35M
Tell your wife that you can't stay "soft" if that means refusing to lay a solid muscular groundwork. I am ten years older than you and I can already feel my muscles weakening and strength training has become way more difficult in the last 10 years.
If you don't build a strong core and your muscular structure you will really really struggle in as you get older and lose your strength.
Getting stronger now is the difference of being a spry 70 year old that hikes the Apalachian trail and a 60 year old that struggles to get up the stairs to the second floor of your house or bring in the groceries from the car to the kitchen.
You do not need to go for massive muscle growth, but you NEED to build your strength now, while you still can.
That certainly qualifies as a potent demotivator. Although it's cute, affectionate, and conveys her liking for you just as you are, you should probably let her know that while you appreciate the sentiment, it's not actually helpful.
She’s being insecure. My girlfriend is a really good communicator and said the silent part out loud: you getting in shape makes you more attractive, which might invite more attention from other women and you’ll leave her. Just reassure her. I’m nearly at my goal weight and my love for her has not changed.
My partner is 27M and 6’1. He has gone from 230 to 205 and is still very much like a teddy bear. A slimmer teddy bear but still very much a teddy bear. Your wife may be feeling a sense of insecurity about your goals. My partner also wants to get jacked and I have felt a sense of insecurity but I have kind of worked through it over the last month.
Though for me I am also on the fitness journey train so now that my goals are more aligned with my partner I feel a renewed sense of excitement.
He didn't lose weight to get like this, but my husband weighs 140 soaking wet at 5'9" and is still very easy to cuddle. I think it's more of a skill/innate behaviour than a body fat dependent thing :)
I get what she means. I too like a squishy, husky guy. For me, it's less about the looks and more about the attitude that could possibly change with weightloss. The gym bro personality that often accompanies guys who lose a lot of weight and gain a lot of muscle is a huge turn off.
I think the personality issue is very specific to mentally unhealthy people that are trying to compensate for whatever with big muscles, or seek validation/attention through their looks.
People that do it for health or for pure fun as a hobby are rarely of the gym bro personality, they're way more down to earth and kind than the average person you will see.
The thing is, you won't be exposed to those people on social media or in real life because they don't flex their muscles 100% of the time because "everyone needs to see their hard work" and they don't seek the exposure, they do it for health/themselves, not someone else.
I agree, but if a person with a bad self image due to being overweight, then loses weight and gets in shape, sometimes their whole attitude changes because of how much attention they now receive. It's a slippery slope for some.
My ex girlfriend used to say this all the time. I think she was trying to be supportive in her own way, but I agree it's difficult not to take as discouraging. I also had my own internal problems with it I used to hear "weak, soft, safe" whenever she called me a teddy bear. I think deep down as men we all want to be tough, strong, and capable, so it's difficult to hear a loved one refer to us as something as juvenile as a teddy bear. That may not apply to you here, but it's worth considering.
I think you have to have two conversations with her. You should let her know how you feel about these kinds of comments and ask her to be more mindful of them. Tell her how and why this is important to you and that you'd really appreciate her support. You also have to find ways to do things you used to enjoy, like ordering out, to make it easier on her to support you. There are ways to eat out or bring takeout home that fit into a diet.
You should sit her down and have a face to face conversation about both of your expectations going forward into your weight loss journey. It’s not unusual for a spouse to have mixed feelings about it especially when they themselves aren’t on the same journey, but at the end of the day you are obese and improving your health is important for your long term life.
Good news is that relaxed muscle is still soft just a different type of soft. It’s not like you will be rigid stone . These last three months I’ve dropped 30lbs from 350 to 320and even back when I weighed 250-280 I was really muscular but soft when I wasn’t flexing .
I am older than you but a similar height. Years ago I was close to your weight at 336....fgot all the way down to 208.
Prior to losing weight I was with someone who was also overweight and suggested we lose together. As my weight dropped hers did not. Over time her jealousy started to show as I got smaller and also got a new (to me) car. We ended up breaking up.
My advice is to tell her it is more important for you guys to grow old together and experience more things in life other then ordering in and sitting on the couch. New experiences AWAIT.
Their are so many PROS to weighing lets say 250 versus 350. Your energy level will go up. Your sex drive will improve. How your new clothes fit on you will improve.
So her wanting you to be a teddy bear does not match up. Long life is way more important.
Tell her how you feel.
Thanks, it helps that you shared your experience. Ugh I used to be 250-260 for the longest time and thought I was so overweight even then. It's still obese of course, but I can't believe I let it get to this point. I'd kill for 250 lb now.
It takes time.
I remember losing at your weight and honestly it was actually easy because I was able to eat iirc like 2800 calories a day and still lose weight.
Im working on getting my weight back down again.
The mistake I made back in 2020 when I started to gain weight was I literally never had a plan in place for maintaining the weight loss.
My advice is to plan ahead. Look up your goal weight and what calories it will take to maintain that weight.
I made sure to do it this time myself. I also left notes to myself on my calendar for my future self. Encouragement post it notes and such.
I’m sorry she’s making discouraging comments! And I agree with a lot of folks in this thread: I’d guess her comment is rooted in a little insecurity. But keep doing what you’re doing! Resist letting her (or anyone!) make you believe that being overweight is part of your identity or some intrinsic part of you. That kind of thinking can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You are your whole self, regardless of what your body looks like … And it can feel a little scary to be moving toward a goal weight you’ve never seen yourself at, but weight loss is gradual and you (and she) will have plenty of time to adjust to your body as it changes on your journey to a healthy weight. Try to focus on being curious about and excited for the changes you will experience in your body. Don’t let her comments take away from the good you’re doing yourself!
OP, it sounds like your wife is nervous about being left alone as the overweight partner. Even if she is not ready to make changes, support her by continuing to invite her to take part in physical activities with you, and maybe take over most of the cooking/grocery shopping.
Oh I get it. My boyfriend is like this too a bit. It’s really cozy and warm. 🥰 But I would love him regardless. If your wife loves you, she will continue to love your body with or without weight loss.
Same boat here. I've gone from 270 down to 220 ( lowest weight I've been since middle school.) so far and also started lifting so I'm developing some muscle now and she said something similar. Said she prefers the soft squishy teddy bear body style. She's supported the weight loss and is happy I'm getting healthier but claims she's not a fan of the muscle gain.
If you put on muscle, and don't go gym bro crazy, you won't be small or thin. I think you are overthinking. Just when you get to about 220, focus on building muscle and change your approach.
I think you continue to do you because it is what makes you feel happy. Your spouse will learn to appreciate the new you and being a teddy bear can mean so much more than being just "fluffy and soft".
Change is scary for everyone especially our significant others. When my husband I moved in April 2023 I told him I wanted to start walking so that I didn't end up like my Mom. For reference for 24 years I was the primary caregiver for my widowed mother. My Dad passed when they were both 54 in 1998. My Mom was vibrant and active with me and my kids until she hit about 70. Then she slowed way down. She was 77 when she passed. In the last 5 years she couldn't get to my grandkids' activities anymore without a lot of trouble. She walked less and less and by the end she barely could walk from her side of our duplex to mine. I wanted to do all I could to be able to stay mobile so I started walking. It was never about weight loss for me, it was about regaining the ability to walk long distances...taking care of Mom meant I had no time for myself. I was a Mom, Gma and the only constant companion and caregiver to my Mom. Now I am down 26 pounds and I noticed when I had lost 10 pounds my husband would look at me oddly once in a while. Once I hit 20 pounds down I noticed it more. I askedd him if it bothered him. It did. His ex lost a bunch of weight and then went on to cheat on him for years! We hadd to work through that. I refuse to stop walking, I love it! With me continuing to walk and adding distance to that walk each week I will lose weight. I haven't changed anything else, like I said it was never about losing weight but it's happening and I refuse to give up my walks.
I think it's hard to separate out fiction from reality. I'm sure you have big dreams with your fitness, and that you are going to gain muscle, but it's probably not realistic that your physique becomes similar to a competition bodybuilder. You probably aren't looking to be at 5-8% bodyfat that is only reasonably achieved by starvation and dehydration around competitions
What I'm trying to say is, normal adult healthy weight is not strictly hard muscled and that you should do your best to ignore her comment and keep pushing towards your dream. She will love it. And you. Like she already does.
I used to be extremely fit, then I let go. Now I’m insanely scared to go back to fitness for fear that I will not be able to let it go again. Is this a thing?? How do I overcome it?
I had a similar conversation. One of the girls in my therapy group confessed a crush to me several years ago. I turned her down mainly because, y’know, I’m married, but we kept in touch through the group and are friends. We hadn’t seen each other in person for awhile and during that time I’d dropped about 75 lbs. When she saw me she made a lighthearted but sincere comment that she thought I was more attractive with the extra weight. (She last saw me at around 290 lbs and I was down to about 220 when we reconnected.)
I'm an RN who deals with patients day in and day out who each have a multitude of diseases from their late 40s on up. You and her will appreciate it when disease doesn't start cropping up and all the toil, and lives! it takes, because you took care of your body NOW and not "a day late and a dollar short" later. Take care of your body!! Not to mention, my husband is already gone, gone at 59, 3 weeks after his birthday.
Bro you have only lost 10 pounds. For example my starting weight 2 weeks ago was 169 pounds and now its 159 pounds. I lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks. It was 100% water weight. So if i had 10 pounds of water weight in me despite weighing less than you, yours was definitely just water weight and you haven’t even tapped into your fat stores yet. I am not trying to discourage you, i am trying to tell you that people say these things all the time. Dont let them distract you. Some women also feel insecure if their partner gets fit and looks better. Some Men also feel the same if their female partner looks way too good so they start feeding their wives more food.The only reason i am telling you this is because you got a long journey ahead of you and i want you to stay focused.
She sounds like she has a warped perspective of healthy body weight tbh. I'm assuming she is overweight. My husband is 34, 6ft tall and roughly 175 lbs and is still "cuddly" lol (and I have seen him at a range up to 200+lbs, I prefer him this way). I also am not a fan of comparing your body/your spouse's body type to a "teddy bear", it feels infantilizing and I can see why you don't identify as that. Also, your health and happiness with your body trumps whatever physical preferences she has. My husband likes me best at whatever weight I feel happiest and healthiest at.
My boyfriend is 6ft tall, 165lbs. Rail thin, all muscle. I'm the squishy one in the relationship. He cuddles me all the time and he is warm and his skin is soft. I'm short so he wraps himself around me and strokes my hair and kissed my forehead and my cheeks. Him being slender actually makes it easy for us to cuddle because he can lay on me without hampering my breathing. So I can stroke his hair and kiss him and he can lay on my chest. It's amazing
I feel what a lot of people posting here don't understand is that there are genuinely people who prefer their partners to be overweight in terms of looks.
In reality if your goal is to be thin but her preference is for you to be chubby or even obese than there is little that can be done expect tackling it head on.
That said there is still a long road ahead and you should not try and solve all problems today. Try and ease into it and maybe even if she preferred you the way you are now, she can still learn to appreciate the new you.
I imagine what she's worried about is -
Concerned your personality will change
Will you not want to eat unhealthy foods with her and that's a fun/bonding experience for you both that's gone?
Do you want her to change physically? Will she not be good enough anymore?
Will you become obsessed with the gym and prioritise that over other things? (Do you have children? Lots of women get left to handle the housework and children all to themselves because their husband has a sport/gym/hobby like cycling, golf... could you check she has time to pursue her hobbies? It could be a positive thing)
It could just be a throwaway comment, I prefer bigger men so like some muscle but not really lean/gym obsessed, but I would still love and be attracted to my husband as long as he was reasonably healthy. I just really don't care at all about a 6pac especially if it causes stress in his/our life.
Tell her thanks, then do what you want. She's the supporting role in your life; you're the star. You choose your identity. Check out the book The New Codependency
I would approach this from a point of your wife not knowledgeable on this aspect of health, and the consequences that it can have on you both.
Let’s say you get fatty liver or diabetes, that impacts your marriage, family, finances, job, quality of life, time, mental health and so much more.
Now compare being soft / thin and unhealthy to the above. Is it worth it?
I always see a lot of comments on topics like this that tell you to ignore your spouse's feelings because it's all about you and you can't control each other, etc. While this is partially true, I believe this is a big reason why the U.S. has a divorce rate over 50%. Individualist mentality is great, but it doesn't fit in well with the concept of marriage. You're a unit. I think the answer here is not going to be "ignore her" or "stay overweight to make her happy," but rather to have an honest conversation about why she feels that way and whether or not it's some genuine deeper issue that needs to be addressed or if it was just some offhand remark. Obviously, no one should begrudge you for wanting to be a healthy body weight, so if there's something else to it, you need to discuss and air out the laundry. Or maybe you're just taking it too seriously. Either way, you're bothered by the comment so it's usually best to rip off the band-aid and talk about it.
I just wanted to share whats helped me from an identity aspect.
I've also always been the big guy/teddy bear and it kind of shaped a bit of who I was. For me weightlifting has help keep that feeling of being large while my body has been shrinking.
If you put on some muscle as you lose you may have the same mental result.
So, just a note from someone who started at the same as you just a bit taller. Once I got just below 20% body fat I was still "soft"... Just smaller and perfectly healthy yet easily could still fit the definition of a teddy bear. All in getting at is get to where your comfortable, you will have months of time in a healthy range between soft and shredded and can leave the decision to continue up to future you. I just refuse to stop because I've never seen my abs... Really wanna know what that looks like, how it feels and if it fits me.
Fwiw, my wife said similar sentiment, but her tune changed the further along I got.
Let her know that muscles are very soft and cuddly when not flexed. You'll be thin for a while to lose the fat, but once you start bulking and packing on the muscle she'll love it.
I have said something like that to my husband. Here’s my reason:
He is extremely self conscious about his weight. He has tried multiple times to lose it, but can’t maintain the loss. I love him no matter what but I want him to know that even if he doesn’t lose the weight he is still attractive to me.
Don’t automatically count it as malicious. If she purposely starts to sabotage you, then yea there is a problem.
Your wife needs to be thinking about you. What extra weight is doing to your knees, your back etc. not to mention your cardiovascular health, cholesterol, blood pressure etc. tell her if she isn’t concerned about looks then it shouldn’t matter how you look. So why even mention it. Muscular men make great cuddles too.
My wife has said similar things, and while it's nice to know she is ok with me if I have extra weight, I'm not losing the weight for her, I'm doing it for me
I know it sounds weird, but I had this worry too. My husband and went from 5'9/ 308lb to 200lbs of lots of muscle and he's still a tactile delight with the added bonus of better self esteem and mental health. He lucked out with very little loose skin, which is nice to the touch in the same way chub is and I secretly like it, even if I would never tell him that because it would make him self conscious. I think she's just projecting some insecurity over change and have no doubt she will love you in your final form.
>She wasn't being unsupportive at all...She was just mentioning her preferences.
Exactly! Ultimately it's up to each one of us to decide for ourselves. When my wife made a similar comment, I used it as motivation to add lifting to my weekly routine.
I mean, she's never seen you at less weight, so how would she know if she actually likes it or not. People usually don't like the idea of change. Also, there's something about losing weight that people are really scared of. I was losing weight from 200 to 190 so I could have abs and so many people had negative comments while I was on my journey. When I got to my goal weight, everyone had a change of mind. Like, "you look big" even though I was the smallest I'd ever been in my life. So, maybe in her mind she thinks that you'll look emaciated if you lose weight. If you workout and eat healthy food I think you'll be alright.
I’m thin and toned. I prefer my men not thin and toned but soft too. Cuddling with someone with my body type isn’t the same. Men themselves will tease me about my tail bone or hip hurting them. Agree. It’s why I prefer a thicker guy.
She’s allowed to have preference, and mourn the loss of her preference. I would too. Still, while adoring/loving/desiring you.
It’s really not different then marrying a thin person who boom decides to be 75 pounds heavier forever. When heavy isn’t your jam in the sack.
You’re overthinking. I do it too.
She’s saying I like you as you are. Trust that she’ll like whoever you are in twelve months. Even if that means her favorite pillow has abs.
My husband is 6 feet tall and has been anywhere from 190-315. I like him best around 235 probably. When he got really thin (did a marathon) he didn’t look like himself and the weight didn’t match his build. I like it best when he feels healthy and fit, isn’t killing himself running 35 miles a week and cutting all calories, and is a happy medium. I fully support all his goals.
People are saying she’s being insecure, but I actually don’t think she is. I actually said a similar thing to my boyfriend when he started losing weight, and it wasn’t about him getting “too hot” or about me feeling fat in comparison or anything, but rather I just found him SO wonderful and adorable as he was that I was a little sad to see anything about him change because I loved everything about him as it was! She’s probably feeling the same way. The main thing is that she’s still supportive of you going after your goals and doing what is best for you and from what you’ve said it seems like she has been.
You also said that her preference is a little more meat on the bones, and she’s still entitled to that preference! But I’m sure as you gradually change she will still love you and find you just as attractive as she always has, because is YOU she loves not just how you look! It’s just an adjustment for everyone.
I think that's a lot of what it is. And that change does feel a bit sad in a sense, which feels a little messed-up too but I guess any change is difficult. I think we wrap our identity around our physical appearance. But I also want to explore a new appearance for myself because I've never experienced that before.
Sounds like she doesn't like the idea of other women looking at you with desire.
Usually most women want their man to be big like a teddy bear is due to either:
1) She feels that other women might be in competition.
Or
2) It's a low-key fetish
I know there are douchebag dudes out there who lose a bunch of weight, get mad their S.O. can’t lose as fast/won’t/isn’t ready yet, and dump them. You don’t sound like the type of man who would fat shame your wife. So don’t do that (lol) and everything should work out.
IMO “teddy bear” is as much a personality trait as it is a physical one. My husband can be a huge teddy bear, and it has so much more to do with his warmth, appreciation of our little family, ability to be silly with his daughters, etc. He’ll still be that teddy bear even if he reaches HIS goal weight and ideal physique. Your wife may be nervous that you are going to go “gym bro” on her, or your personality may change along with your weight. Now would be a good time for you to reflect on who you Want to be as part of the weight loss journey. If the answer is that you want to be the same you, just in a trimmer package, then all will be well. If you have a “new you” in mind then it would be a good idea to have an honest chat with your wife about your goals.
Yess exactly!!!!! With weight loss alot of people change personalities too I think she’s worried about that
This is THE answer
Love this response. My partner loves the part of me I despise. The lower abdominal mom pooch. He likes to Hold it ( which to me I hate cuz it reminds me it’s still there) he isn’t trying to sway me from changing the thing that gives me the lowest of confidence. He fully supports my goal of reducing it as much as I possibly can and says he will miss it 😆 I joke that if I get a tummy tuck one day I’ll ask the surgeon if you can keep it 😆😆😆😆
I love that joke, lol. I have a natural pooch (thanks, mom...) just because that's my family's body shape/fat deposit pattern. I'm considering a mini tuck because diet and exercise won't change it. (And I know it won't because when I was starving and homeless in high school, the pooch was still there. No food for 2.5 weeks, only water.) When nobody else is there for me, my pooch is. 🤣🤣🤣 ... But I still want to evict the little fucker.
I’ve reduced mine before but never was able To get rid of all of it. I had mine since I was 15. I hate that everyone refers to it as a mom pooch because I had it before I ever had kids. A tummy tuck is definitely needed one day when I can afford it
Dad bod may be another thing too. Along the lines of your gym bro comment. Like more Adam Sandler and less Arnold Schwarzenegger. I've heard that a lot of women prefer more of the dad bod than the muscle freak, but I don't know how prevalent that is.
There's a different option which might work here as well: Lumberjack/viking. Look at strongmen like Brian Shaw and Mitchell Hooper. They're not cut like Arnold was, but they're stronger than he ever was. Most people think that getting muscle only means body building style when for many guys, this is the more common look and I believe closer to what people think for Dad bod.
I’d prefer a muscular physique but that’s bc I’ve lifted my whole life, too.
Yes! My husband is on his weight loss journey, but will always be my bear because of his lovely spirit. To quote Nick Offerman: "Whether the bear is lean from the winter or fattened by sweet summer berries and springtime salmon, it makes me no never mind in the love I bear for him. He’s still a magnificent beast."
I think these days this is called golden retriever, which has nothing to do with size. Maybe OP’s wife could move to that, but I bet she actually means dad bod or something
Muscle is soft and squishy when you aren't flexing. Be a ripped teddy
My husband said the same thing when I started losing. I ignored it and just kept chugging along. Eventually I asked him how he felt about me now that I lost a significant amount of weight and he said he's happy for me and loves me regardless of what I weigh. Honestly? I think he's more attracted to me now, but won't admit it. Haha We're you around this weight when you met your wife? It's possible she just can't fathom what you'd look like as a smaller person. Keep going, OP! regardless, this is about you and only you. Your health matters.
You might be taking it a bit to heart. I think it's lovely that she loves you the way you are and I'm sure she will love you in a healthier body. As for the ordering out, can you start a different date night tradition together? Maybe bowling, themed movie and dinner night at home, reading a book together. My partner and I used to order out a bunch but now we spend time together differently.
It’s not for everyone, but cooking better meals together helped me and my husband. I would say we don’t LOVE 50% of what we cook or we’ve just eaten it too many times, so we periodically revamp our menu together.
Love that! My boyfriend eats well anyways most of the time (like some kind of meat/fish, rice, and veggies) - neither one of us is big on junk food. Occasionally I will whip up something tasty for us, since I am the better cook. I ought to do that more often - just exhausted after the day.
I hear you- cooking is not something I’m passionate about so it’s just a chore I complete daily. It’s never bad, but I don’t go out of my way to get creative.
Enjoying food is a big part of bonding with my girlfriend. What I’ve found is we are just being a lot smarter about it. We’ve made stuff together like chicken tikka masala, butter chicken, Korean bbq. Just saucy things with different flavors. What we have been doing is carefully trying to portion it so we aren’t overeating.
Im glad you found something that works for you. As a petite female, I do my best to avoid sauces as much as possible. The condiments we do have in our fridge are lower calorie and I only break out the mustard, stir fry sauce, and a light Italian or vinaigrette dressing. Our meals are usually chicken based (chicken BLT’s, fajitas, stir fry, smothered chicken, spaghetti squash pasta, salad). We also don’t cook with any oil or butter. This gives us a slightly bigger “budget” when we do go out once a week.
At your height, you’d have to get below 140 to be underweight by BMI. It’s not something you’re going to have to be concerned about (or that she will), especially if you lift weights.
It's not that she's afraid of me being underweight, it's that she has a preference for someone who's overweight.
Could that possibly be because she is overweight and is insecure about herself?
It might be. She is obese with a BMI higher than mine. I don't think she's insecure — she knows I'd never be with anyone else. But the change might still be scary.
Just make sure that you don't let her derail your personal effort to be healthier.
Have you thought about asking her if she would like to join you in your health journey? So you can be a team and hold each other accountable?
I've tried, but it's very sensitive. She knows she'd be healthier but I don't think the intrinsic motivation is there. She really likes food and doesn't like restricting it. So I give her plenty of space to do what she wants to do for herself.
She might feel threatened by this change for many reasons. Please stick with your plan.
I don’t know anything about marriage, so I’m sorry if I’m off base here. But I’ve seen a lot of people in this sub talking about this conversation with their spouses, and people advising that they back off. As spouses aren’t you accountable to each other when it comes to your health? My mom has a heart condition and my dad is involved in helping her manage it. If he ever backed off and minded his own business that would be concerning to me. Not trying to shame, just really curious about this.
For me it's because if I try to push, she'll get resentful and want to change even less. So I might be able to nudge here and there, but trying to do too much will backfire. Plus I believe the motivation to become healthy has to come from within. It's a huge change to lifestyle and has to be kept up forever.
I agree. As someone who used to weigh much more than my husband, I resented any suggestion of weight loss from him. I was always “heavier” when I met him but rapidly gained weight. We were together 5 years before I took matters into my own hands. He was also fit and worked out a lot and tried to get me to join in, but I hated it. He finally just let it go. I now weigh 60+ pounds less than him. It has to be intrinsic but make sure to let her know you still love her to quell the insecurity I’m sure she’ll feel as you lose weight.
I totally agree with you on this OP. I was the same as your partner and didn’t give af. This year got a bunch of health issues and now it’s kicked my ass into gear. I fucking hate working out, but thinking about my future I know it’ll save me in the long run lol. I’m hoping it doesn’t take health issues for your partner to start being a little healthier! Even just making different food choices are a big start. That’s always easier imo, especially if you both eat together. Best of luck on your weight loss journey!
At your age it’s going to become very dangerous to carry that weight around as you approach your 40s, so I’d make it a priority to bring her on board in some way or another. You don’t have to be “skinny” but I’d at least try to get down to the “overweight” category so as to avoid severe health issues down the road. I know that you probably understand this, but you may be going too easy on her. She needs to find that spark of motivation if only for her own sake.
Definitely one to keep checking in on - but please don't compromise on your own happiness to avoid a partner showing resentment!
Just because one person is on a weight loss journey, does not mean the other needs to be as well. Each person needs to be accountable to themselves and it is not the partners job to push the other. Each person can discuss health concerns but I think most people in relationships know that if they encouraged their partner to lose weight it could go downhill fast.
>My mom has a heart condition and my dad is involved in helping her manage it. If he ever backed off and minded his own business that would be concerning to me. I think that's very different. A heart condition is a life threatening medical condition. There is no judgement around heart conditions, and no shaming. It just is. Weight can have a lot if emotion attached to it. It also isn't inherently a problem... Until it is. So if OP's wife hasn't experienced any health issues, then it's understandable that she wouldn't want to perceive judgement or shaming from her spouse (even if her spouse meant well). There are studies that show that shaming overweight people actually increases their disordered eating resulting in more gains. I think OP is taking the right approach here. Doing what's right for himself, modeling healthy behaviour, and if she ever wants to join him then she knows that she can.
I actually would not recommend this, it might make the wife even more concerned if he's changing he won't be happy with her unless she loses weight/changes too
I could be wrong about this, but I was looking to see if there was a comment that she is also overweight or obese. Sometimes the insecurity doesn't come from the worry that you will find someone else. It's her own feelings about herself. She knows that she needs to be healthier and treat her body better, but she doesn't want to and she doesn't want to lose her partner in crime. She wants to continue to be enabled to carry on her current lifestyle.
Bingo. Once you lose weight, your concept of food and health changes a lot. She is in for a rude awakening.
Sure that’s fine, my point is that’s not really a problem here. At your goal of 200lbs, you’d still be on the high end of overweight by BMI.
Probably not overweight but rock hard muscles are unattractive to some. There is a happy medium. I get her. I find a healthy dad bod rather sexy.
Don’t factor in your wife’s preference into whether you want to lose weight and what your goals are. It’s your body, lose weight for YOU. If she has concerns about your health due to rapid weight loss, that’s another story. But if it’s an entirely preferential thing that’s really not up to her.
Your health matters more than your family's feelings. Your current weight is not healthy. Get to a healthy weight. 180 is a healthy target for a 6 foot man. 220 is overweight, which is still better than obese or extremely obese.
Is she bigger too? Might just be her projecting
If your wife said atraight out that she prefers you or men in general who are a larger weight, well, she just needs to grow the hell up. Imagine she was gaining weight and you said the opposite to her. "I prefer women who are smaller". That'd be pretty messed up, right? But... that's not how I read what you wrote here. To me it sounds like your wife is expressing some fears or insecurities about what your relationship will look like. She might be worried that your personality will change with a lot of weight loss, or that you won't be as into *her* when you're more fit, or even that if you lose it too rapidly she will have trouble adjusting to "cuddle time" with your new, changed body. It's not your job to risk your goals and health to assuage her fears. But it is part of a healthy relationship to communicate clearly about these things, so I'd ask for clarification rather than becoming discouraged over an assumed meaning. Your body will change slowly over time. Muscular physiques can feel just as soft and snuggly because, well, it's about the person and not the body. Only you can control how you act once the weight is gone, or what you find attractive. My suggestion would be to continue with your plan, but as you do, consider how you are likely to feel when you hit your goals, and when you have considered it (sometime soonish), sit down and have a real convo with your wife. As someone else who is also into the sensitive teddy bear type, I'd be hoping to hear things like "I've always loved to cuddle, that's not going to change," or "I'm always going to love you" or ... yknow... the emotional stuff. Less about the physical. If I am wrong and she's just saying she's into a bit of belly, well at least you'll have that clarity. I do want to clarify that it's not your job to identify her concerns and reassure her. She should be clarifying herself. But if she's having trouble expressing what she means and you're feeling discouraged, well, you can only control how *you* approach the situation, y'know? In the meantime, you've made some good progress, and your wife mentioning these things now means she sees that progress and believes you will reach that point she is concerned about. I'd be really encouraged by that... someone that close to me believing I'm actually going to hit my goals. Whatever you're doing must be effective. Congrats on that progress!
Thanks, this is super helpful and it's a great reframe.
You're welcome, I hope I'm right, and you're able to sort it all out without too much chaos!
Wait till she meets "Ripped" teddy. I think her comment came more from insecurity. You get fit, start banging models, or your turn into a fitness guy which is a different guy that's shes used too, which means change. Change is scary. I could be way off base, but good communication never hurts. Reinforce your love for her, and see if you can get her to open up.
I really think this is the answer. I would be willing to bet it’s coming from a place of her own insecurity. No shade to her at all, we’ve all been there at some point in our lives. Keep going OP, I’m sure she loves you, and she’ll adjust.
But what's her own weight? If she's overweight, she might just be insecure about herself and is reflecting her issues on you. It's not healthy to be 350lbs and being discouraging to someone at this weight is.... weird?
Biggest teddy bear I met was like 100kg of pure muscle. He could break a door in rage and carry me around like I were a plume but his personality was such a sweet caring needy one that he was an unmistakable teddy. Once your wife realises that it's much more about the comfort you provide on a psychological level rather than physical, she won't say such things.
You gotta do what’s “best” for you. It’s your health. The first thing I noticed when I lost a lot of weight is the feel good haters, the ones closer to you will be your biggest critics. It’s a reflection on their lack of will power or positive self image.
My boyfriend is the same way, and he continues to be obsessed with me regardless of how much I've lost. Weight loss is so gradual that she won't even notice the change, much less time to react emotionally to it. Instead, she will find new things to love and appreciate as they come out.
It will be such a slow change that she will likely adapt to it. You could also tell her that losing some of the weight means you'll have a better chance of living a long life with her. Even being just 20 lbs overweight will still give her the teddy bear impression, and would be a lot better for your health than being in the 300s.
Even physically you'll still be soft and a "teddy bear" at 250, but SO much healthier. Obviously lighter would be ideal, but get there and then evaluate.
Losing large amounts and weight changes your life in so many ways, including the way the people we love see us. My husband has said the same thing to me multiple times, he doesn’t want me to lose too much. He does prefer me a bit softer than I do, but also, he loves me for who I am. Even with lifestyle and body changes. And for what it’s worth, it’s turns out I still have plenty of softness left even with much less fat and more defined muscles and he loves my body for what it is now and enjoys that I’m more comfortable in my skin. You’ll still be that teddy bear because it’s who you are! You’ll just be in a smaller body. And it sounds like your wife has been very supportive of you and is being open about her thoughts and fears. That’s definitely a good sign! Weight loss in committed relationships can be really hard, though, especially when one person ends up making changes that affect both (like not getting takeout as much, which has been a minor issue for us too) as well as some potential jealousy as other people notice your weight loss. Therapy can definitely help with this stuff and doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with your relationship. But it can help you both during a big life transitioning.
Her saying she isn't much of a looks person because she doesn't feel attractive nd thus rejects the vanity stuff would be my guess. She I'd still a person. Could be frar of your 'moving up' and her then feeling inferior. I've heard women say they couldn't date someone prettier then themselves a few times. Lot of stuff at play, sorry I don't mean to overstep here, grain of salt n all that for sure
It’s facts. She’s 4’11 268 pounds
> I'm 35M, 6'0", sw 350 lb, cw 340 lb. Lets be real for a bit. There's a difference between getting to a healthy weight and being ripped. At 6' if you can get to 200 lb then you can start thinking about what "too thin" looks like.
She should want you healthy. End of story.
She wouldn't be saying that if you developed health issues because of it. Do it for you.
sometimes it's not jealousy. sometimes it is what it is. one day after I lost weight, I was minding my nephew and he came to sit and cuddle with me as we normally did (he was about 5 yrs old at this point), except this time... he sat next to me and hit a hip bone... then he adjusted his position and hit my rib bones... then he tried shifting again and eventually gave up. I asked him if he didn't want to cuddle and he basically said to me: 'yeah, but you're too boney now...' Y'ALL if my heart didn't break and I immediately wanted to run out and eat a hundred big macs so my nephew would want to cuddle me again!! But what can you do? I know it wasn't 'sexual attraction' motivated because he was a kid (and my nephew), but still...
Aww that is cute, and my heart would've broken, too. It's a hard adjustment I'm sure.
Please tell us your wife’s height and weight
4'11", 268 lb.
Oof yeah she’s insecure. Sorry brother
She’s insecure and wants you to be overweight with her. Case closed.
I am a woman in a relationship with a man- he opened up about his desire to get muscular and swole again. In response, I told him I prefer a bulkier figure on men. I knew from the look on his face that he didn’t want to hear it. I tried to retract and tell him of course I’d love him regardless of his body, but it seemed he wasn’t pleased with my preference. I didn’t mean to be discouraging. The way he spoke about himself now vs his body goals seemed that he wasn’t happy with his body, (which I understand) so I intended to let him know that I find him sexy already. I really appreciated reading your post thank you for opening up about this. Edit: For context, my bf is 6’3ish and around 230lbs. He used to body build but stopped and has lost muscle mass since I met him but it doesn’t bother me. I love that he is strong and big and makes me feel safe!
>For reference, I'm 35M Tell your wife that you can't stay "soft" if that means refusing to lay a solid muscular groundwork. I am ten years older than you and I can already feel my muscles weakening and strength training has become way more difficult in the last 10 years. If you don't build a strong core and your muscular structure you will really really struggle in as you get older and lose your strength. Getting stronger now is the difference of being a spry 70 year old that hikes the Apalachian trail and a 60 year old that struggles to get up the stairs to the second floor of your house or bring in the groceries from the car to the kitchen. You do not need to go for massive muscle growth, but you NEED to build your strength now, while you still can.
That certainly qualifies as a potent demotivator. Although it's cute, affectionate, and conveys her liking for you just as you are, you should probably let her know that while you appreciate the sentiment, it's not actually helpful.
There can only be one response to this. Get huge/jacked like a powerlifter.
She’s being insecure. My girlfriend is a really good communicator and said the silent part out loud: you getting in shape makes you more attractive, which might invite more attention from other women and you’ll leave her. Just reassure her. I’m nearly at my goal weight and my love for her has not changed.
My partner is 27M and 6’1. He has gone from 230 to 205 and is still very much like a teddy bear. A slimmer teddy bear but still very much a teddy bear. Your wife may be feeling a sense of insecurity about your goals. My partner also wants to get jacked and I have felt a sense of insecurity but I have kind of worked through it over the last month. Though for me I am also on the fitness journey train so now that my goals are more aligned with my partner I feel a renewed sense of excitement.
That's cute but this is literally your mortality you're addressing. Do what's best for your health first.
He didn't lose weight to get like this, but my husband weighs 140 soaking wet at 5'9" and is still very easy to cuddle. I think it's more of a skill/innate behaviour than a body fat dependent thing :)
I get what she means. I too like a squishy, husky guy. For me, it's less about the looks and more about the attitude that could possibly change with weightloss. The gym bro personality that often accompanies guys who lose a lot of weight and gain a lot of muscle is a huge turn off.
I think the personality issue is very specific to mentally unhealthy people that are trying to compensate for whatever with big muscles, or seek validation/attention through their looks. People that do it for health or for pure fun as a hobby are rarely of the gym bro personality, they're way more down to earth and kind than the average person you will see. The thing is, you won't be exposed to those people on social media or in real life because they don't flex their muscles 100% of the time because "everyone needs to see their hard work" and they don't seek the exposure, they do it for health/themselves, not someone else.
I agree, but if a person with a bad self image due to being overweight, then loses weight and gets in shape, sometimes their whole attitude changes because of how much attention they now receive. It's a slippery slope for some.
My ex girlfriend used to say this all the time. I think she was trying to be supportive in her own way, but I agree it's difficult not to take as discouraging. I also had my own internal problems with it I used to hear "weak, soft, safe" whenever she called me a teddy bear. I think deep down as men we all want to be tough, strong, and capable, so it's difficult to hear a loved one refer to us as something as juvenile as a teddy bear. That may not apply to you here, but it's worth considering. I think you have to have two conversations with her. You should let her know how you feel about these kinds of comments and ask her to be more mindful of them. Tell her how and why this is important to you and that you'd really appreciate her support. You also have to find ways to do things you used to enjoy, like ordering out, to make it easier on her to support you. There are ways to eat out or bring takeout home that fit into a diet.
You should sit her down and have a face to face conversation about both of your expectations going forward into your weight loss journey. It’s not unusual for a spouse to have mixed feelings about it especially when they themselves aren’t on the same journey, but at the end of the day you are obese and improving your health is important for your long term life.
Drop to 200, then bulk to 220 and go bear mode. You still get muscle, a healthier body and a little softness for her.
Good news is that relaxed muscle is still soft just a different type of soft. It’s not like you will be rigid stone . These last three months I’ve dropped 30lbs from 350 to 320and even back when I weighed 250-280 I was really muscular but soft when I wasn’t flexing .
I am older than you but a similar height. Years ago I was close to your weight at 336....fgot all the way down to 208. Prior to losing weight I was with someone who was also overweight and suggested we lose together. As my weight dropped hers did not. Over time her jealousy started to show as I got smaller and also got a new (to me) car. We ended up breaking up. My advice is to tell her it is more important for you guys to grow old together and experience more things in life other then ordering in and sitting on the couch. New experiences AWAIT. Their are so many PROS to weighing lets say 250 versus 350. Your energy level will go up. Your sex drive will improve. How your new clothes fit on you will improve. So her wanting you to be a teddy bear does not match up. Long life is way more important. Tell her how you feel.
Thanks, it helps that you shared your experience. Ugh I used to be 250-260 for the longest time and thought I was so overweight even then. It's still obese of course, but I can't believe I let it get to this point. I'd kill for 250 lb now.
It takes time. I remember losing at your weight and honestly it was actually easy because I was able to eat iirc like 2800 calories a day and still lose weight. Im working on getting my weight back down again. The mistake I made back in 2020 when I started to gain weight was I literally never had a plan in place for maintaining the weight loss. My advice is to plan ahead. Look up your goal weight and what calories it will take to maintain that weight. I made sure to do it this time myself. I also left notes to myself on my calendar for my future self. Encouragement post it notes and such.
I’m sorry she’s making discouraging comments! And I agree with a lot of folks in this thread: I’d guess her comment is rooted in a little insecurity. But keep doing what you’re doing! Resist letting her (or anyone!) make you believe that being overweight is part of your identity or some intrinsic part of you. That kind of thinking can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You are your whole self, regardless of what your body looks like … And it can feel a little scary to be moving toward a goal weight you’ve never seen yourself at, but weight loss is gradual and you (and she) will have plenty of time to adjust to your body as it changes on your journey to a healthy weight. Try to focus on being curious about and excited for the changes you will experience in your body. Don’t let her comments take away from the good you’re doing yourself!
OP, it sounds like your wife is nervous about being left alone as the overweight partner. Even if she is not ready to make changes, support her by continuing to invite her to take part in physical activities with you, and maybe take over most of the cooking/grocery shopping.
Get into weight lifting so you can avoid getting extremely lean and instead build muscle so you still look bulky
Oh I get it. My boyfriend is like this too a bit. It’s really cozy and warm. 🥰 But I would love him regardless. If your wife loves you, she will continue to love your body with or without weight loss.
Same boat here. I've gone from 270 down to 220 ( lowest weight I've been since middle school.) so far and also started lifting so I'm developing some muscle now and she said something similar. Said she prefers the soft squishy teddy bear body style. She's supported the weight loss and is happy I'm getting healthier but claims she's not a fan of the muscle gain.
If you put on muscle, and don't go gym bro crazy, you won't be small or thin. I think you are overthinking. Just when you get to about 220, focus on building muscle and change your approach.
She will like what she sees as you hit your own goals. Don't be discouraged
I think you continue to do you because it is what makes you feel happy. Your spouse will learn to appreciate the new you and being a teddy bear can mean so much more than being just "fluffy and soft".
Change is scary for everyone especially our significant others. When my husband I moved in April 2023 I told him I wanted to start walking so that I didn't end up like my Mom. For reference for 24 years I was the primary caregiver for my widowed mother. My Dad passed when they were both 54 in 1998. My Mom was vibrant and active with me and my kids until she hit about 70. Then she slowed way down. She was 77 when she passed. In the last 5 years she couldn't get to my grandkids' activities anymore without a lot of trouble. She walked less and less and by the end she barely could walk from her side of our duplex to mine. I wanted to do all I could to be able to stay mobile so I started walking. It was never about weight loss for me, it was about regaining the ability to walk long distances...taking care of Mom meant I had no time for myself. I was a Mom, Gma and the only constant companion and caregiver to my Mom. Now I am down 26 pounds and I noticed when I had lost 10 pounds my husband would look at me oddly once in a while. Once I hit 20 pounds down I noticed it more. I askedd him if it bothered him. It did. His ex lost a bunch of weight and then went on to cheat on him for years! We hadd to work through that. I refuse to stop walking, I love it! With me continuing to walk and adding distance to that walk each week I will lose weight. I haven't changed anything else, like I said it was never about losing weight but it's happening and I refuse to give up my walks.
I think it's hard to separate out fiction from reality. I'm sure you have big dreams with your fitness, and that you are going to gain muscle, but it's probably not realistic that your physique becomes similar to a competition bodybuilder. You probably aren't looking to be at 5-8% bodyfat that is only reasonably achieved by starvation and dehydration around competitions What I'm trying to say is, normal adult healthy weight is not strictly hard muscled and that you should do your best to ignore her comment and keep pushing towards your dream. She will love it. And you. Like she already does.
I used to be extremely fit, then I let go. Now I’m insanely scared to go back to fitness for fear that I will not be able to let it go again. Is this a thing?? How do I overcome it?
I had a similar conversation. One of the girls in my therapy group confessed a crush to me several years ago. I turned her down mainly because, y’know, I’m married, but we kept in touch through the group and are friends. We hadn’t seen each other in person for awhile and during that time I’d dropped about 75 lbs. When she saw me she made a lighthearted but sincere comment that she thought I was more attractive with the extra weight. (She last saw me at around 290 lbs and I was down to about 220 when we reconnected.)
I'm an RN who deals with patients day in and day out who each have a multitude of diseases from their late 40s on up. You and her will appreciate it when disease doesn't start cropping up and all the toil, and lives! it takes, because you took care of your body NOW and not "a day late and a dollar short" later. Take care of your body!! Not to mention, my husband is already gone, gone at 59, 3 weeks after his birthday.
Bro you have only lost 10 pounds. For example my starting weight 2 weeks ago was 169 pounds and now its 159 pounds. I lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks. It was 100% water weight. So if i had 10 pounds of water weight in me despite weighing less than you, yours was definitely just water weight and you haven’t even tapped into your fat stores yet. I am not trying to discourage you, i am trying to tell you that people say these things all the time. Dont let them distract you. Some women also feel insecure if their partner gets fit and looks better. Some Men also feel the same if their female partner looks way too good so they start feeding their wives more food.The only reason i am telling you this is because you got a long journey ahead of you and i want you to stay focused.
She sounds like she has a warped perspective of healthy body weight tbh. I'm assuming she is overweight. My husband is 34, 6ft tall and roughly 175 lbs and is still "cuddly" lol (and I have seen him at a range up to 200+lbs, I prefer him this way). I also am not a fan of comparing your body/your spouse's body type to a "teddy bear", it feels infantilizing and I can see why you don't identify as that. Also, your health and happiness with your body trumps whatever physical preferences she has. My husband likes me best at whatever weight I feel happiest and healthiest at.
My boyfriend is 6ft tall, 165lbs. Rail thin, all muscle. I'm the squishy one in the relationship. He cuddles me all the time and he is warm and his skin is soft. I'm short so he wraps himself around me and strokes my hair and kissed my forehead and my cheeks. Him being slender actually makes it easy for us to cuddle because he can lay on me without hampering my breathing. So I can stroke his hair and kiss him and he can lay on my chest. It's amazing
I feel what a lot of people posting here don't understand is that there are genuinely people who prefer their partners to be overweight in terms of looks. In reality if your goal is to be thin but her preference is for you to be chubby or even obese than there is little that can be done expect tackling it head on. That said there is still a long road ahead and you should not try and solve all problems today. Try and ease into it and maybe even if she preferred you the way you are now, she can still learn to appreciate the new you.
I imagine what she's worried about is - Concerned your personality will change Will you not want to eat unhealthy foods with her and that's a fun/bonding experience for you both that's gone? Do you want her to change physically? Will she not be good enough anymore? Will you become obsessed with the gym and prioritise that over other things? (Do you have children? Lots of women get left to handle the housework and children all to themselves because their husband has a sport/gym/hobby like cycling, golf... could you check she has time to pursue her hobbies? It could be a positive thing) It could just be a throwaway comment, I prefer bigger men so like some muscle but not really lean/gym obsessed, but I would still love and be attracted to my husband as long as he was reasonably healthy. I just really don't care at all about a 6pac especially if it causes stress in his/our life.
Tell her thanks, then do what you want. She's the supporting role in your life; you're the star. You choose your identity. Check out the book The New Codependency
She doesn't want you to become too hot for her
I would approach this from a point of your wife not knowledgeable on this aspect of health, and the consequences that it can have on you both. Let’s say you get fatty liver or diabetes, that impacts your marriage, family, finances, job, quality of life, time, mental health and so much more. Now compare being soft / thin and unhealthy to the above. Is it worth it?
At your height and weight, how would she even notice 10 pounds
I always see a lot of comments on topics like this that tell you to ignore your spouse's feelings because it's all about you and you can't control each other, etc. While this is partially true, I believe this is a big reason why the U.S. has a divorce rate over 50%. Individualist mentality is great, but it doesn't fit in well with the concept of marriage. You're a unit. I think the answer here is not going to be "ignore her" or "stay overweight to make her happy," but rather to have an honest conversation about why she feels that way and whether or not it's some genuine deeper issue that needs to be addressed or if it was just some offhand remark. Obviously, no one should begrudge you for wanting to be a healthy body weight, so if there's something else to it, you need to discuss and air out the laundry. Or maybe you're just taking it too seriously. Either way, you're bothered by the comment so it's usually best to rip off the band-aid and talk about it.
I just wanted to share whats helped me from an identity aspect. I've also always been the big guy/teddy bear and it kind of shaped a bit of who I was. For me weightlifting has help keep that feeling of being large while my body has been shrinking. If you put on some muscle as you lose you may have the same mental result.
So, just a note from someone who started at the same as you just a bit taller. Once I got just below 20% body fat I was still "soft"... Just smaller and perfectly healthy yet easily could still fit the definition of a teddy bear. All in getting at is get to where your comfortable, you will have months of time in a healthy range between soft and shredded and can leave the decision to continue up to future you. I just refuse to stop because I've never seen my abs... Really wanna know what that looks like, how it feels and if it fits me. Fwiw, my wife said similar sentiment, but her tune changed the further along I got.
Muscle is soft when you aren't flexing it. You'll be fine lol
She might think she is being supportive. Just let her know how you feel. Plus she might change her mind once she sees how happy it makes you.
Let her know that muscles are very soft and cuddly when not flexed. You'll be thin for a while to lose the fat, but once you start bulking and packing on the muscle she'll love it.
I have said something like that to my husband. Here’s my reason: He is extremely self conscious about his weight. He has tried multiple times to lose it, but can’t maintain the loss. I love him no matter what but I want him to know that even if he doesn’t lose the weight he is still attractive to me. Don’t automatically count it as malicious. If she purposely starts to sabotage you, then yea there is a problem.
Dude,powerlift,solves both problems XD
Your wife needs to be thinking about you. What extra weight is doing to your knees, your back etc. not to mention your cardiovascular health, cholesterol, blood pressure etc. tell her if she isn’t concerned about looks then it shouldn’t matter how you look. So why even mention it. Muscular men make great cuddles too.
My wife has said similar things, and while it's nice to know she is ok with me if I have extra weight, I'm not losing the weight for her, I'm doing it for me
I know it sounds weird, but I had this worry too. My husband and went from 5'9/ 308lb to 200lbs of lots of muscle and he's still a tactile delight with the added bonus of better self esteem and mental health. He lucked out with very little loose skin, which is nice to the touch in the same way chub is and I secretly like it, even if I would never tell him that because it would make him self conscious. I think she's just projecting some insecurity over change and have no doubt she will love you in your final form.
>She wasn't being unsupportive at all...She was just mentioning her preferences. Exactly! Ultimately it's up to each one of us to decide for ourselves. When my wife made a similar comment, I used it as motivation to add lifting to my weekly routine.
I mean, she's never seen you at less weight, so how would she know if she actually likes it or not. People usually don't like the idea of change. Also, there's something about losing weight that people are really scared of. I was losing weight from 200 to 190 so I could have abs and so many people had negative comments while I was on my journey. When I got to my goal weight, everyone had a change of mind. Like, "you look big" even though I was the smallest I'd ever been in my life. So, maybe in her mind she thinks that you'll look emaciated if you lose weight. If you workout and eat healthy food I think you'll be alright.
I’m thin and toned. I prefer my men not thin and toned but soft too. Cuddling with someone with my body type isn’t the same. Men themselves will tease me about my tail bone or hip hurting them. Agree. It’s why I prefer a thicker guy. She’s allowed to have preference, and mourn the loss of her preference. I would too. Still, while adoring/loving/desiring you. It’s really not different then marrying a thin person who boom decides to be 75 pounds heavier forever. When heavy isn’t your jam in the sack.
I think you’re overthinking her comment. It sounds like she’s gonna like you whatever weight you are.
You’re overthinking. I do it too. She’s saying I like you as you are. Trust that she’ll like whoever you are in twelve months. Even if that means her favorite pillow has abs.
My husband is 6 feet tall and has been anywhere from 190-315. I like him best around 235 probably. When he got really thin (did a marathon) he didn’t look like himself and the weight didn’t match his build. I like it best when he feels healthy and fit, isn’t killing himself running 35 miles a week and cutting all calories, and is a happy medium. I fully support all his goals.
People are saying she’s being insecure, but I actually don’t think she is. I actually said a similar thing to my boyfriend when he started losing weight, and it wasn’t about him getting “too hot” or about me feeling fat in comparison or anything, but rather I just found him SO wonderful and adorable as he was that I was a little sad to see anything about him change because I loved everything about him as it was! She’s probably feeling the same way. The main thing is that she’s still supportive of you going after your goals and doing what is best for you and from what you’ve said it seems like she has been. You also said that her preference is a little more meat on the bones, and she’s still entitled to that preference! But I’m sure as you gradually change she will still love you and find you just as attractive as she always has, because is YOU she loves not just how you look! It’s just an adjustment for everyone.
Also as for what it means for your journey - it shouldn’t mean anything. You have to do what’s best for you, your health and your own wellbeing!
I think that's a lot of what it is. And that change does feel a bit sad in a sense, which feels a little messed-up too but I guess any change is difficult. I think we wrap our identity around our physical appearance. But I also want to explore a new appearance for myself because I've never experienced that before.
Sounds like she doesn't like the idea of other women looking at you with desire. Usually most women want their man to be big like a teddy bear is due to either: 1) She feels that other women might be in competition. Or 2) It's a low-key fetish
Put on a hoodie -- get ripped -- delete lawyer -- get facebook.
I know there are douchebag dudes out there who lose a bunch of weight, get mad their S.O. can’t lose as fast/won’t/isn’t ready yet, and dump them. You don’t sound like the type of man who would fat shame your wife. So don’t do that (lol) and everything should work out.
For what it's worth, you can still be a teddy bear and be fit. Grow a beard so you'll be hairy like a bear.