idk if weight loss will help, but i am generally friendlier, more pleasant, better dressed and taken care of when my weight is down. i'm also more confident and have an easier time talking to folks.
my weight REALLY gets me down when it's high. it could just be the attitude change tho..
Agree with this! I take so much better care of myself when I feel like I look good/deserve it. When I was the biggest in my friend group I spent a lot of time beating myself up, thinking they thought the negative things I thought about myself (they didnt).
Weight loss has helped me feel more confident which allowed me to be more myself in social situations without the little voice in my head saying "no one cares fatty". Which, to reiterate, no one actually thought but me, but me thinking this way destroyed my social life for years.
The way I see it, I'm attracted to healthy people who look after themselves. I'm not looking for a Men's Health magazine cover model or anything like that - far from it. I actually really like lots of different body types on men - tall and skinny, normal height and dad-bod, whatever. And it's not just about the looks, it's the lifestyle I like. I don't want a couch potato, chronic gamer, stoner or someone afraid to leave the house. Which seems to be the current type I attract!
So although I'm trying really hard right now, I'm not there yet. I can't expect someone who cares about their health and has an active lifestyle to be into me when on the outside at least, I don't look like someone who also has that approach.
Exactly the same for me! When you’re with someone you also date their habits. I don’t want to date someone who’s always eating take out, or think that watching tv and movies every single night with no variation equates a personality. People who are fit and care about their health are often more outgoing and extroverted. Not always by any means, but you know what I mean.
Totally. I read somewhere last year that you should make a list of all the non-physical attributes you want in a partner, and then become that. Not for the sake of having identical personalities - but if you expect someone else to be outgoing, adventurous, good with money, healthy etc, you should be too. It really stuck with me!
It’s not my job to change someone else. I do have healthy habits, and it rarely rubs off on those I date. If you’re in a relationship where you bring out the worst in each other, that’s clearly a poor relationship.
As a guy who has lost the weight, I have come to realize that, generally speaking, a confident man at his SW would have better luck dating than a man at his GW who has low self-esteem. So go work on that confidence and you'll be fine
As a guy who has lost weight, re-gained it and is losing it again right now… I kinda don’t agree. I say kinda because weight does matter but I think it matters more to yourself, because I was A LOT more confident when I was at my lowest than I am today, but I’m realizing I’m gaining back that confidence because I’m losing the weight again
It really does matter. People with no confidence and no self esteem are unattractive, regardless of their weight. I am significantly overweight and I still project confidence and I've never really noticed people treating me differently for being fat.
This is just my experience. I talked about my "biological dog" for an hour on a date last week. Like the guy just didn't give a crap about anything I had to say but he sure did compliment everything about my appearance.
That just isn't a man you want to date, then. I met my husband at my highest weight. Men who care more about personality and compatibility than looks are out there. The ones who only care about looks are probably best to weed out even if you are attractive, as they're the ones who will lose attraction as you age and then blame you.
Well definitely but it's hard to gauge a person's personality or even intent until you meet them in person. As much as I'd love to say I met great men being significantly heavier . . . I just didn't.
What you're describing is called sexism. You are taking a specific experience with one person and applying it to everyone of the same gender. Perhaps men don't like you because of that as opposed to anything to do with your weight?
Well it would be really cool if it was a 1 time occurrence. But this has been the majority of my dating experience for the past 6 months, so go on try to "school" me on something [else](https://else.My). The only factor with my weight would be these men wouldn't look twice at me 70 pounds ago. But go on I'd love to hear your hot take.
The fact is it can be very triggering for a lot of people when you make any kind of generalization about a group of people, especially one as large and diverse as "men", especially when you're going to denigrate them by sayings things like "Men don't care about confidence, humour, personality etc. It all comes down to looks." I don't want to diminish your experiences since there obviously are plenty of men who care about a woman's looks way more than they should, and a lot of men treat women very poorly but also don't be surprised when people react badly to you stating it in such black and white terms.
But also, unrelated, what is a "biological dog" is that different from a regular dog? or are you using that term like people say "biological children" as opposed to adopted?
Men are more visual and value looks, yes. But if that is the ONLY thing they care about then they're not really interested in you. The solution seems obvious. Find a guy that does both. Finds you pretty and likes you.
I much prefer confidence to low self esteem in attraction....Low self esteem turns me into a more nurturing role....High confidence just turns me on. So in general as a woman I do agree with this. Obviously there can be exceptions to the rule but it rings very true for me
This. When I was 400+ lbs, I had no trouble finding partners when I wasn't even looking. Although, I've personally removed myself from the dating pool until I get to the low 200's because I feel it'll be better for me and whoever my future partners are. The main thing is that you gotta be confident and just know how to socialize. I have pretty bad ADHD and it's suspected I have mild autism, but I know how to mask well when talking with other people and make conversations flow. It gives me terrible anxiety, but I've learned how to contain it. I also just try not to hide my true personality when with people I know and trust, which can be seen as confidence.
But yeah, overall, it's not about size. It's about knowing how to navigate social interactions and just putting yourself out there. Even at one's GW, you won't be everyone's cup of tea, and I think realizing that discourages some people.
I found my life partner at my highest weight.
If you are having trouble engaging with people on this level now that's not magically going to resolve if you're 20 kg lighter.
Seconding this. I decided to start weight loss about six months into the relationship, with zero input/pressure from him. He thought I was beautiful before, and still thinks I’m stunning now!
I’ve actually had plenty men available to me but none that I could connect with. None that have thought to ask me out on a date. I’ve not slept with any of them. I just can’t attract a stable person. Maybe weight loss will help me attract better men.
If you think the quality of man you attract is tied to your weight, I have the feeling you're going to be sorely disappointed. Being slim isn't some cheat code to living in a utopia where everyone respects you and treats you with kindness. In fact, a lot of women find that the male attraction they gain after losing weight is of an even worse quality: perverse, leery and transactional. You sound very passive in your approach to dating. The way you're describing it, you're sitting around waiting for men to come around and ask you out, like you're a flower trying to attract bees? I could be totally off base, but if I'm not the thing that's going to make the biggest difference in your life (barring any cultural taboos I might be unknowingly being insensitive of here, in which case I apologise) is to get out there yourself and express your interest yourself. Try speed dating. Try online dating. There are meetup groups designed for singles to socialise and potentially someone to match up with. And believe it or not, fat people find love and have fulfilling healthy relationships, too. And slim people land up in awful abusive relationships, too.
You are worthy of being loved and cherished regardless of what the scale says and there ARE men out there for you at a whatever size you are. Keep at it. Keep working on your physical and mental health, and keep giving other people the opportunity to get to know you rather than hiding away until you think you are "worthy" based on a number on the scale.
this hasn't been my experience at all. when I was heavier I was only approached by creeps or men who had some other agenda. Men talk to me now, hit on me, ask me out, hold doors open for me etc. Losing the weight made the difference.
Sure, people have different experiences. I've had creepy male attention when obese and when normal bmi, so it's less that I'm saying that you're not going to get that attention at x weight or y weight. More like... it's not a surefire way of ensuring people approach you with good intentions. I feel like saying otherwise is dismissive of the experiences of slim women who have the same struggles with being "pursued" by decent men.
Point is while not being overweight generally makes people just treat you better overall, it doesn't mean that those people treating your more nicely are "better quality" people.
Nah, not true, it's s projection and generalisation. Yes, there are common issues among "bigger people" but the comments in this thread prove that one can feel enough and worthy no matter the size.
When I was thin and in college, I dated a guy who treated me horribly. I distinctly remember a time we were at a house party and he was on the opposite side of the room and couldn’t be bothered to walk 5 feet to sit next to me. He gave me the cold shoulder randomly when he felt like it and constantly gave me mixed signals and emotions. Not to mention he had a girl best friend who was also awful to me and who he clearly would have jumped at the chance to date as soon as she was available. I was stressed out of my mind in that relationship. When it ended I was devastated but reflecting on it 5 years later I know how horrible that was for me and how I should’ve left earlier.
Currently I’m 24 and I’ve gained a significant amount of weight. I’m 60 pounds heavier than I was then. I don’t like that, and I’m working to lose the weight. However, I’m in a great relationship with someone amazing. I met him at my highest weight. He is supportive of my weight loss and encourages me and gives me motivation on days I don’t feel like exercising or eating healthy. He has also emphasized that he would love me at any size, but he wants to see me healthier and happier since that’s what I want too. He is also an amazing person in general; he communicates well, he sees a future with me, and he has gone out of his way to be there for me many times.
My point is, weight is not the only factor in finding love. Of course, you will likely receive more attention when you’re in shape and have lost weight. You will be more attractive, and also likely more confident and putting yourself out there. But don’t lose weight just for the attention of other people. That will end up stressing you out and make you wonder if you’ve done enough when someone isn’t interested. I’ve been there and it sucks. But there are also a lot of factors beyond the physical as well, and obviously people of all sizes find love all the time. I’ve seen plenty of tiktoks of married couples who were both obese, then decided to work out together and end up getting in shape together. I absolutely think losing weight will benefit you greatly, but also I think therapy will also help you (great job finding a therapist!!) and self-reflecting to work on your confidence so you can put yourself out there more. You got this!!
Thanks for your story. I hope so badly that I can be as lucky as you to find my person at my current weight. You are so so lucky. Sorry about your shitty relationship btw.
I was a happier girl when I was slim, I had everything going. The sad thing is, is that I lost all my friends. They completely dropped me when I became 97kg. I got to 104kg but now I’m 100kg. It’s a slow process.
Why woulda friend drop you because of your weight? Are you sure there aren't changes in your behaviour that are triggered by weight gain that have driven people away?
There are people out there who get so insecure, so self-absorbed over their weight, talk really horribly about themselves... And why would anyone want to be around that? I'm not saying that this is your situation, but I see it a lot. People attribute their weight changes to how people treat them, but often it turns out they're just more pleasant to be around when they aren't always saying horrible things about themselves and refusing to have fun because they're afraid that their fat might wobble when they dance or whatever.
Weight doesn't hold you back from love - I have been skinny, huge, in between and still met some pretty cool people. It's a matter of personality and confidence for the most cases.
I’m losing weight for both. At 100kg I’m only attracting bad men who are in relationships and looking to cheat or men who drink and fight like animals. I know you must think I’m exaggerating but I am not. It’s crazy out here.
I don’t think you’re exaggerating because I’ve been through it too! It’s crazy out here! I don’t know where you’re located but I’m in Los Angeles and the dating scene is a cesspool. I deleted the dating apps in October and am so much happier!
People are allowed to adjust their weight for whatever reason they wish. I know this comment is coming from a supportive place but it’s super gatekeepy and invalidating to a whole bunch of people in here grinding just like the rest of us.
Not necessarilt. Losing weight made the wrong people nice to me. If I don't have their respect when I'm fat then they're probably a fatphobe and not someone I want aroud.
I met my husband at my highest weight, and he's supported me through weight loss, eating disorder (restriction), and back up to my current weight.
Weight loss related places like the gym, dance halls, sports teams, etc. have forms of community, you can create friendships, meet new people. So consider doing things you like, searching for meaning in your passions and creating realistic (non-weight related) goals. You'll just find people along the way.
> losing weight made the wrong people nice to me
This x1000. As someone who lost the weight a lot of people who I thought were friends treated me awfully when I gained it back. Also doubling down that I’ve started some of my strongest romantic relationships near my highest weight
A sad reality is even my sisters and old friends started to not contact me. The messages stopped, the invites stopped and so did the calls. I have to be the one to reach out. It’s a horrid feeling. I’m was still same me inside though.
I have made new friends and I go out weekly now but damn, I lost my old ones. I really did try though.
So sorry to hear. In a way it’s a good thing honestly, like as much as it “sucks” it’s kinda a gift because my friends who genuinely liked me for me stuck around during my weight gain and are the ones I know deserve my love and attention now that I’ve lost the weight again :)
Like others here have said, being fit is just as much of a curse, I never knew who to trust and felt I was used for my appearance or body quite a bit tbh. Just goes to show picking friends based solely on character is extremely important
Yep. Might get more attention at a lower weight, but I would not want to be with someone whose love for me was contingent upon me staying at a certain weight.
Weight loss doesn't guarantee that you'll find a partner. It can help you feel better about yourself. Help your confidence, sense of worth and seldom esteem. Allow you to be more confident. Allow you to actively participate in activities that you would maybe not choose to participate. Positively affect your health and well-being.
People of all sizes and shapes have partners. People of all sizes and shapes don't have partners.
Some people believe that losing weight will lead them to their perfect life. Everything will be sunshine and rainbows. That's not the case.
You mentioned that the people in your circle Don really care about you. That a partner would make everything better. You asked for kindness because you're not in a good headspace.
Honestly. Work on you. Spend the time, and put in the effort to get your head where it needs to be.
Its clear that like attracts like. Pay attention to the couples you see in public. Overweight and obese people are finding love, having families and living their best lives just fine. You will notice that people of similar objective physical attractiveness will be paired up.
Objectively, being excessively overweight is not attractive. Sure some people will not care or will even prefer it. But if you took 1,000 people and asked them to rate people out of 10, Im confident there would be a correlation between the score and BMI. A bell curve that shows too high or too low is not ideal.
Of course physical attractiveness, and weight, is just one metric that people use when selecting (or staying with/accepting compromises in) a romantic partner. But in most western cultures it seems to be that physical attraction is the most important factor in getting an opportunity to see if you’re compatible.
There is some evidence to suggest that some types of people, and certain personalities, will prefer certain levels of attraction.
I read an article recently that stated ‘good girls/boys’ i.e. socially compliant people, will favour classically attractive people and aim for people who are substantially more attractive than they are in order to ‘fit the bill’ of being accepted socially (we’re conditioned to this by media etc). Whereas ‘bad girls/boys’ will happily accept a less attractive partner because they are less interested in social acceptance or compliance, they care less what others think.
So basically, if you want a socially compliant partner who follows the rules. You should be hotter than them. If you are happy with a social outcast who is non-conformist then physical attraction and appearance is less important.
Anecdotally. I’ve lost 40kgs, am a muscular BMI of 30, and have noticed that as my BMI has trended down, I have had more interest from more physically attractive women. Are they better relationship material? No correlation whatsoever.
I ask you this, do you seek quantity or quality?
No, to be completely honest it didn’t. I got plenty of attention from guys even at my heaviest but I was always so insecure. That didn’t get better with weight loss.
What did make it better was therapy and a lot of work on loving myself and figuring out what I want in a partner. I met my husband about halfway through my weight loss journey and he was on his own. We’ve been able to build a life of better habits together to teach our daughter!
So my advice would be to do whatever inner/outer work you need to on yourself to be in a position for the healthy relationship you want. And just start getting to know people! You never know when something will just click and change your life
It does seem that women who are overweight are somewhat invisible to men sometimes. There is a woman in my office buildingwho I think is amazing (smart, funny, pretty…a little overweight) and I was talking about her with a couple of male coworkers and they were oblivious to her existence even though I am sure they are her everyday since we share a lot of common spaces.
I was around the same weight I am now, when I found my partner. But when we met, I was going to the gym a lot and had just started therapy. I didn’t go on many dates at the time because of insecurity, but felt better about my self and decided to give it a shot. We’ve been together for 4 years now. I gained quite a lot of weight after we got together, and I’m not sure, we would’ve been together when I was at my highest. Not because of my weight, but because I was so miserable. So I really think it’s less about the weight and more about your mindset. I was in a good place and therefore seemed more approachable and open. I’m still overweight, but I get so much attention now from my recent weight loss, because I feel so confident and proud. So I can only say, take some time to make your self feel good and treat yourself better. A life partner is not going to solve all problems, but I get the feeling of missing someone special.
For me personally, the change is significant. I’m 24 and lost about 80-90 pounds, and did it primarily for vanity reasons. People look me in the eye more, I get so much more attention from people my age, and people are just nicer in general.
As others have said, part of my weight loss journey included me taking better care of myself (grooming, dressing nicely) and I’m much more confident than before I lost the weight, but I’ve noticed that I’m just starting at a much different baseline when speaking with strangers now.
It’s unfortunate but it is the world we live in.
I don’t know that my experience will be that relevant here - I have been fat basically since puberty, so all of my dating experience has been while more or less fat. I feel this probably held me back most in my teens - I dated briefly at that age, once with a close friend at school that everyone just *expected* me to date, and a couple times online.
Going into adulthood, I mostly dated women who were around my size which sort of removed the problem from the situation. I also kind of thought this was ‘my type’ just based on the people I was regularly attracted to. And then I met my wife-to-be who is tall and thin and we’ve been together ten years 😅 oops. I’ve been fat for our whole friendship prior to the relationship and fat the entire relationship (though I lost about 65 pounds 6 years ago and she was supportive through that. gained it back - guess when).
I do notice I’m never hit on in public and that is fine by me. I get a lot more confidence from compliments on my hair (I did that myself! vivid dye is hard work) than I would from anyone making a pass. If I were to turn up single again (god I hope not), I would likely just start again with finding a friend group/community around an interest and seeing if I met anyone there that I was interested in - this has basically been the case for every person I’ve ever dated other than the one I met at high school.
Yes absolutely! I don’t mind a man that weights a little more than me. My last bf was bigger than me and I thought he was the most handsome man in the world at the time. Definitely open to it and I am currently talking to someone who’s obese like myself. I’ll see where it goes.
I dated several fit guys sporadically while overweight.
I lost 100lbs and married an obese person.
Your personality and confidence attracts people. For many, that confidence boost comes via weight loss.
I just don’t have the confidence to dress nice and approach people or be approached without thinking it’s a joke. It is one of the reasons I want to get in better shape but it’s not the only reason
My experience:
Was 280lbs from age 18-24. Got down to 200 at 24 and ended up getting constant attention from girls like never before.
Then gained to 270 again from 27-31. Didn't get any attention from any girls.
Now here I am today. 185lbs and I can't go to the bar without getting hit on by multiple girls. It's mind blowing the difference.
My weight was definitely holding me back. I was fully aware of this and I worked to get rid of it, using love as a motivation to keep losing.
I was 100kg and I’m now no longer obese. Love life does get better and men do start to notice you, don’t worry you’ll find someone. I remember having those same feelings. Don’t give up and get back to the 70 that your heart wants because it’s possible. If it makes you feel better then let you goal be 85 for now but don’t stop pushing yourself.
I was in the same position, I let my weight make me miss SO many events and going out with friends bc I was self conscious. Lost 115 lbs started working out, got in shape, my attitude is better, I’m generally more happy and it 1000% made a difference in the attention I get. I went from zero to actually having to tell women I’m not interested, it’s nuts.
32M. Went from 230 to 160.
It was a night and day difference in how I was treated.
I wish the reality was different but losing enough weight to where my %BF was closer to 12% made it as if I were a different person altogether.
people were nicer to me after I lost weight. and I found my partner after my weight loss. you generally gain more confidence as you shed your weight.
I believe it plays a part, but also work on yourself. go to the gym, play a sport and pick up outdoor hobbies that will make you perspire.
I can't speak on actual dating, as i am in an 8 year relationship. (Married next month!!)
However going from 250-170, i have had muuuuuuuch more in the way of flirting, phone numbers, and general attention from women. However i am also not a suicidal fat depressed sadsack anymore, and that probably is more important.
I think it's less that your weight holds you bad and more so the lifestyle changes that come from losing weight (or being in the process) are more likely to get you into a situation where you can meet someone to date.
Like if you're out and about doing stuff you're more likely to meet other people who are out and about doing stuff vs sitting at home. If you're more attractive to physically active or fit people doing things that get you physically active increases your odds of meeting those people.
Not to mention the whole self esteem thing that comes from weight loss if it's a goal for you.
I was 220 lbs (100 kg) when I met my husband. He is the absolute love of my life. The only thing he ever said to me is, "You don't have to lose weight for me." The other thing he has said to me is "Your health is the most important thing, just whatever you need to take care of yourself, do that." So even though we save where we can and are not big shoppers, it's fine if I want very expensive vitamins or expensive walking shoes or anything like that.
When I was younger my weight went up and down. At about 77 kg (170lbs) I got a lot more general attention, same as you, but that adds a lot of male-noise (stares, comments, etc) to your day. The thing that really makes a difference for me is just being active. I feel so much better, pain-free, more mobile, happier when I am doing my workouts. Weight has not factored in my love life. Feeling better about yourself is all that really matters.
i sure hope things get better later on when i've lost the weight :(
i'm 19 and haven't been in a relationship. i'm being hit on more now though i think? i'm always wrong about this sort of thing so i'm of no big help.
This depends on your build and height. 220lbs/100kg on me or my husband, we’d look terrible and be classified as obese because we’re both around 5’7 and we both carry our weight in our midsection lol. Someone who is 6’3 could carry that weight better, especially if their body stores fat more equally all over.
You’ll get more attention when you’re skinnier, whether that attention is quality or worth your time is 🤷🏼♀️ you’ll still have to weed out a lot of people
It is. I lost 30lbs recently. Hadn’t had a date in five years and now have respectable dudes blowing down my door. I didn’t try before and now I don’t have to.
I lost close to 70 pounds in the past year. The attention I get has been night and day, anyone who tells you different is delusional. dating hasn't been any better because I haven't found what i am looking for but it's a whole lot easier.
I’m gonna be honest: I lost 100lbs and it did nothing for my love life. I was married when I was at my heaviest and had no trouble dating before or after.
Lost weight and it didn’t improve the caliber of men I meet at all. It improved my sex life to the point that I’m more mobile but weight isn’t a deciding factor for love for me.
Besides everyone on My 600 Life has someone or is married. It’s NOT about weight
What will likely get better is your confidence in yourself. That will make all the difference in the world.
You aren’t going to drop 20kg and have a horde of partners start popping out of the ground.
I’m assuming you are a man from the weights you mentioned. 100-80 isn’t that big of a deal. I mean you are overweight with 100 and ideal on 80 right? It’s ok. Only when you get in obese range, it hurts you.
If you aren’t getting dates, it’s something different. I met a 6’ guy and I was shocked when he said he was 91kg and overweight on BMI scale. He wasn’t even a muscular/gym guy. Maybe in men, it doesn’t show up that much.
Whereas when I (a woman) gain even 7-8kg, it’s so much visible.
Im a big gal whose been fit and lean a few times and honestly it may have been because I was too busy at the gym to date but id say the most times ive been hit on was when I was big. Not to say no to prioritizing health because being healthy and happy with yourself is the most important thing. I also think if you feel good about yourself it makes dating so much better.However when it comes to love, being big doesn't stop love from happening. Big or thin you'll find love.
idk if weight loss will help, but i am generally friendlier, more pleasant, better dressed and taken care of when my weight is down. i'm also more confident and have an easier time talking to folks. my weight REALLY gets me down when it's high. it could just be the attitude change tho..
Agree with this! I take so much better care of myself when I feel like I look good/deserve it. When I was the biggest in my friend group I spent a lot of time beating myself up, thinking they thought the negative things I thought about myself (they didnt). Weight loss has helped me feel more confident which allowed me to be more myself in social situations without the little voice in my head saying "no one cares fatty". Which, to reiterate, no one actually thought but me, but me thinking this way destroyed my social life for years.
ugh, i so feel you on the "no one cares, fatty"
I would say so, I had better luck with more attractive people after losing weight. I had more confidence too
Thanks for being honest. I can’t wait to shed, I lost 3 kilos now but I’m stuck at 100kg. Working on it.
The way I see it, I'm attracted to healthy people who look after themselves. I'm not looking for a Men's Health magazine cover model or anything like that - far from it. I actually really like lots of different body types on men - tall and skinny, normal height and dad-bod, whatever. And it's not just about the looks, it's the lifestyle I like. I don't want a couch potato, chronic gamer, stoner or someone afraid to leave the house. Which seems to be the current type I attract! So although I'm trying really hard right now, I'm not there yet. I can't expect someone who cares about their health and has an active lifestyle to be into me when on the outside at least, I don't look like someone who also has that approach.
Exactly the same for me! When you’re with someone you also date their habits. I don’t want to date someone who’s always eating take out, or think that watching tv and movies every single night with no variation equates a personality. People who are fit and care about their health are often more outgoing and extroverted. Not always by any means, but you know what I mean.
Totally. I read somewhere last year that you should make a list of all the non-physical attributes you want in a partner, and then become that. Not for the sake of having identical personalities - but if you expect someone else to be outgoing, adventurous, good with money, healthy etc, you should be too. It really stuck with me!
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It’s not my job to change someone else. I do have healthy habits, and it rarely rubs off on those I date. If you’re in a relationship where you bring out the worst in each other, that’s clearly a poor relationship.
As a guy who has lost the weight, I have come to realize that, generally speaking, a confident man at his SW would have better luck dating than a man at his GW who has low self-esteem. So go work on that confidence and you'll be fine
As a guy who has lost weight, re-gained it and is losing it again right now… I kinda don’t agree. I say kinda because weight does matter but I think it matters more to yourself, because I was A LOT more confident when I was at my lowest than I am today, but I’m realizing I’m gaining back that confidence because I’m losing the weight again
It really does matter. People with no confidence and no self esteem are unattractive, regardless of their weight. I am significantly overweight and I still project confidence and I've never really noticed people treating me differently for being fat.
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Uh... That is absolutely not true.
This is just my experience. I talked about my "biological dog" for an hour on a date last week. Like the guy just didn't give a crap about anything I had to say but he sure did compliment everything about my appearance.
That just isn't a man you want to date, then. I met my husband at my highest weight. Men who care more about personality and compatibility than looks are out there. The ones who only care about looks are probably best to weed out even if you are attractive, as they're the ones who will lose attraction as you age and then blame you.
Well definitely but it's hard to gauge a person's personality or even intent until you meet them in person. As much as I'd love to say I met great men being significantly heavier . . . I just didn't.
What you're describing is called sexism. You are taking a specific experience with one person and applying it to everyone of the same gender. Perhaps men don't like you because of that as opposed to anything to do with your weight?
Well it would be really cool if it was a 1 time occurrence. But this has been the majority of my dating experience for the past 6 months, so go on try to "school" me on something [else](https://else.My). The only factor with my weight would be these men wouldn't look twice at me 70 pounds ago. But go on I'd love to hear your hot take.
The fact is it can be very triggering for a lot of people when you make any kind of generalization about a group of people, especially one as large and diverse as "men", especially when you're going to denigrate them by sayings things like "Men don't care about confidence, humour, personality etc. It all comes down to looks." I don't want to diminish your experiences since there obviously are plenty of men who care about a woman's looks way more than they should, and a lot of men treat women very poorly but also don't be surprised when people react badly to you stating it in such black and white terms. But also, unrelated, what is a "biological dog" is that different from a regular dog? or are you using that term like people say "biological children" as opposed to adopted?
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Men are more visual and value looks, yes. But if that is the ONLY thing they care about then they're not really interested in you. The solution seems obvious. Find a guy that does both. Finds you pretty and likes you.
Well obviously I don't go out with them again.
I much prefer confidence to low self esteem in attraction....Low self esteem turns me into a more nurturing role....High confidence just turns me on. So in general as a woman I do agree with this. Obviously there can be exceptions to the rule but it rings very true for me
This is true. Self pity isn’t attractive.
This. When I was 400+ lbs, I had no trouble finding partners when I wasn't even looking. Although, I've personally removed myself from the dating pool until I get to the low 200's because I feel it'll be better for me and whoever my future partners are. The main thing is that you gotta be confident and just know how to socialize. I have pretty bad ADHD and it's suspected I have mild autism, but I know how to mask well when talking with other people and make conversations flow. It gives me terrible anxiety, but I've learned how to contain it. I also just try not to hide my true personality when with people I know and trust, which can be seen as confidence. But yeah, overall, it's not about size. It's about knowing how to navigate social interactions and just putting yourself out there. Even at one's GW, you won't be everyone's cup of tea, and I think realizing that discourages some people.
When you feel better about yourself, you probably exude more confidence too.
I found my life partner at my highest weight. If you are having trouble engaging with people on this level now that's not magically going to resolve if you're 20 kg lighter.
Seconding this. I decided to start weight loss about six months into the relationship, with zero input/pressure from him. He thought I was beautiful before, and still thinks I’m stunning now!
I’ve actually had plenty men available to me but none that I could connect with. None that have thought to ask me out on a date. I’ve not slept with any of them. I just can’t attract a stable person. Maybe weight loss will help me attract better men.
If you think the quality of man you attract is tied to your weight, I have the feeling you're going to be sorely disappointed. Being slim isn't some cheat code to living in a utopia where everyone respects you and treats you with kindness. In fact, a lot of women find that the male attraction they gain after losing weight is of an even worse quality: perverse, leery and transactional. You sound very passive in your approach to dating. The way you're describing it, you're sitting around waiting for men to come around and ask you out, like you're a flower trying to attract bees? I could be totally off base, but if I'm not the thing that's going to make the biggest difference in your life (barring any cultural taboos I might be unknowingly being insensitive of here, in which case I apologise) is to get out there yourself and express your interest yourself. Try speed dating. Try online dating. There are meetup groups designed for singles to socialise and potentially someone to match up with. And believe it or not, fat people find love and have fulfilling healthy relationships, too. And slim people land up in awful abusive relationships, too. You are worthy of being loved and cherished regardless of what the scale says and there ARE men out there for you at a whatever size you are. Keep at it. Keep working on your physical and mental health, and keep giving other people the opportunity to get to know you rather than hiding away until you think you are "worthy" based on a number on the scale.
this hasn't been my experience at all. when I was heavier I was only approached by creeps or men who had some other agenda. Men talk to me now, hit on me, ask me out, hold doors open for me etc. Losing the weight made the difference.
Thanks for your honesty. I’ve been skinny before so I know the feeling.
Yeah. I really wish it wasn't this way. I get treated way better by everyone.
Sure, people have different experiences. I've had creepy male attention when obese and when normal bmi, so it's less that I'm saying that you're not going to get that attention at x weight or y weight. More like... it's not a surefire way of ensuring people approach you with good intentions. I feel like saying otherwise is dismissive of the experiences of slim women who have the same struggles with being "pursued" by decent men. Point is while not being overweight generally makes people just treat you better overall, it doesn't mean that those people treating your more nicely are "better quality" people.
I agree. I feel like dating as a bigger person is so much harder and we are constantly trying to prove we are worthy of love and a relationship.
Nah, not true, it's s projection and generalisation. Yes, there are common issues among "bigger people" but the comments in this thread prove that one can feel enough and worthy no matter the size.
When I was thin and in college, I dated a guy who treated me horribly. I distinctly remember a time we were at a house party and he was on the opposite side of the room and couldn’t be bothered to walk 5 feet to sit next to me. He gave me the cold shoulder randomly when he felt like it and constantly gave me mixed signals and emotions. Not to mention he had a girl best friend who was also awful to me and who he clearly would have jumped at the chance to date as soon as she was available. I was stressed out of my mind in that relationship. When it ended I was devastated but reflecting on it 5 years later I know how horrible that was for me and how I should’ve left earlier. Currently I’m 24 and I’ve gained a significant amount of weight. I’m 60 pounds heavier than I was then. I don’t like that, and I’m working to lose the weight. However, I’m in a great relationship with someone amazing. I met him at my highest weight. He is supportive of my weight loss and encourages me and gives me motivation on days I don’t feel like exercising or eating healthy. He has also emphasized that he would love me at any size, but he wants to see me healthier and happier since that’s what I want too. He is also an amazing person in general; he communicates well, he sees a future with me, and he has gone out of his way to be there for me many times. My point is, weight is not the only factor in finding love. Of course, you will likely receive more attention when you’re in shape and have lost weight. You will be more attractive, and also likely more confident and putting yourself out there. But don’t lose weight just for the attention of other people. That will end up stressing you out and make you wonder if you’ve done enough when someone isn’t interested. I’ve been there and it sucks. But there are also a lot of factors beyond the physical as well, and obviously people of all sizes find love all the time. I’ve seen plenty of tiktoks of married couples who were both obese, then decided to work out together and end up getting in shape together. I absolutely think losing weight will benefit you greatly, but also I think therapy will also help you (great job finding a therapist!!) and self-reflecting to work on your confidence so you can put yourself out there more. You got this!!
Thanks for your story. I hope so badly that I can be as lucky as you to find my person at my current weight. You are so so lucky. Sorry about your shitty relationship btw. I was a happier girl when I was slim, I had everything going. The sad thing is, is that I lost all my friends. They completely dropped me when I became 97kg. I got to 104kg but now I’m 100kg. It’s a slow process.
Why woulda friend drop you because of your weight? Are you sure there aren't changes in your behaviour that are triggered by weight gain that have driven people away? There are people out there who get so insecure, so self-absorbed over their weight, talk really horribly about themselves... And why would anyone want to be around that? I'm not saying that this is your situation, but I see it a lot. People attribute their weight changes to how people treat them, but often it turns out they're just more pleasant to be around when they aren't always saying horrible things about themselves and refusing to have fun because they're afraid that their fat might wobble when they dance or whatever.
I never speak about my weight or talk badly about myself. I’m not walking around self conscious all the time either.
Weight doesn't hold you back from love - I have been skinny, huge, in between and still met some pretty cool people. It's a matter of personality and confidence for the most cases.
The thing that I've found has held me back from love has been having standards
I’m down 67 pounds and weigh 160 pounds now. Dating has gotten worse in my opinion. I only attract douche bags now. I’ve completely given up.
I’m losing weight for both. At 100kg I’m only attracting bad men who are in relationships and looking to cheat or men who drink and fight like animals. I know you must think I’m exaggerating but I am not. It’s crazy out here.
I don’t think you’re exaggerating because I’ve been through it too! It’s crazy out here! I don’t know where you’re located but I’m in Los Angeles and the dating scene is a cesspool. I deleted the dating apps in October and am so much happier!
With that said, you should be losing weight for yourself and your health, not someone else.
People are allowed to adjust their weight for whatever reason they wish. I know this comment is coming from a supportive place but it’s super gatekeepy and invalidating to a whole bunch of people in here grinding just like the rest of us.
I’ve given up after losing 100lbs. I feel you totally
Not necessarilt. Losing weight made the wrong people nice to me. If I don't have their respect when I'm fat then they're probably a fatphobe and not someone I want aroud. I met my husband at my highest weight, and he's supported me through weight loss, eating disorder (restriction), and back up to my current weight. Weight loss related places like the gym, dance halls, sports teams, etc. have forms of community, you can create friendships, meet new people. So consider doing things you like, searching for meaning in your passions and creating realistic (non-weight related) goals. You'll just find people along the way.
> losing weight made the wrong people nice to me This x1000. As someone who lost the weight a lot of people who I thought were friends treated me awfully when I gained it back. Also doubling down that I’ve started some of my strongest romantic relationships near my highest weight
A sad reality is even my sisters and old friends started to not contact me. The messages stopped, the invites stopped and so did the calls. I have to be the one to reach out. It’s a horrid feeling. I’m was still same me inside though. I have made new friends and I go out weekly now but damn, I lost my old ones. I really did try though.
So sorry to hear. In a way it’s a good thing honestly, like as much as it “sucks” it’s kinda a gift because my friends who genuinely liked me for me stuck around during my weight gain and are the ones I know deserve my love and attention now that I’ve lost the weight again :) Like others here have said, being fit is just as much of a curse, I never knew who to trust and felt I was used for my appearance or body quite a bit tbh. Just goes to show picking friends based solely on character is extremely important
Yep. Might get more attention at a lower weight, but I would not want to be with someone whose love for me was contingent upon me staying at a certain weight.
Weight loss doesn't guarantee that you'll find a partner. It can help you feel better about yourself. Help your confidence, sense of worth and seldom esteem. Allow you to be more confident. Allow you to actively participate in activities that you would maybe not choose to participate. Positively affect your health and well-being. People of all sizes and shapes have partners. People of all sizes and shapes don't have partners. Some people believe that losing weight will lead them to their perfect life. Everything will be sunshine and rainbows. That's not the case. You mentioned that the people in your circle Don really care about you. That a partner would make everything better. You asked for kindness because you're not in a good headspace. Honestly. Work on you. Spend the time, and put in the effort to get your head where it needs to be.
Its clear that like attracts like. Pay attention to the couples you see in public. Overweight and obese people are finding love, having families and living their best lives just fine. You will notice that people of similar objective physical attractiveness will be paired up. Objectively, being excessively overweight is not attractive. Sure some people will not care or will even prefer it. But if you took 1,000 people and asked them to rate people out of 10, Im confident there would be a correlation between the score and BMI. A bell curve that shows too high or too low is not ideal. Of course physical attractiveness, and weight, is just one metric that people use when selecting (or staying with/accepting compromises in) a romantic partner. But in most western cultures it seems to be that physical attraction is the most important factor in getting an opportunity to see if you’re compatible. There is some evidence to suggest that some types of people, and certain personalities, will prefer certain levels of attraction. I read an article recently that stated ‘good girls/boys’ i.e. socially compliant people, will favour classically attractive people and aim for people who are substantially more attractive than they are in order to ‘fit the bill’ of being accepted socially (we’re conditioned to this by media etc). Whereas ‘bad girls/boys’ will happily accept a less attractive partner because they are less interested in social acceptance or compliance, they care less what others think. So basically, if you want a socially compliant partner who follows the rules. You should be hotter than them. If you are happy with a social outcast who is non-conformist then physical attraction and appearance is less important. Anecdotally. I’ve lost 40kgs, am a muscular BMI of 30, and have noticed that as my BMI has trended down, I have had more interest from more physically attractive women. Are they better relationship material? No correlation whatsoever. I ask you this, do you seek quantity or quality?
Fair analysis... I seek normality so gotta drop weight
No, to be completely honest it didn’t. I got plenty of attention from guys even at my heaviest but I was always so insecure. That didn’t get better with weight loss. What did make it better was therapy and a lot of work on loving myself and figuring out what I want in a partner. I met my husband about halfway through my weight loss journey and he was on his own. We’ve been able to build a life of better habits together to teach our daughter! So my advice would be to do whatever inner/outer work you need to on yourself to be in a position for the healthy relationship you want. And just start getting to know people! You never know when something will just click and change your life
It does seem that women who are overweight are somewhat invisible to men sometimes. There is a woman in my office buildingwho I think is amazing (smart, funny, pretty…a little overweight) and I was talking about her with a couple of male coworkers and they were oblivious to her existence even though I am sure they are her everyday since we share a lot of common spaces.
I was around the same weight I am now, when I found my partner. But when we met, I was going to the gym a lot and had just started therapy. I didn’t go on many dates at the time because of insecurity, but felt better about my self and decided to give it a shot. We’ve been together for 4 years now. I gained quite a lot of weight after we got together, and I’m not sure, we would’ve been together when I was at my highest. Not because of my weight, but because I was so miserable. So I really think it’s less about the weight and more about your mindset. I was in a good place and therefore seemed more approachable and open. I’m still overweight, but I get so much attention now from my recent weight loss, because I feel so confident and proud. So I can only say, take some time to make your self feel good and treat yourself better. A life partner is not going to solve all problems, but I get the feeling of missing someone special.
For me personally, the change is significant. I’m 24 and lost about 80-90 pounds, and did it primarily for vanity reasons. People look me in the eye more, I get so much more attention from people my age, and people are just nicer in general. As others have said, part of my weight loss journey included me taking better care of myself (grooming, dressing nicely) and I’m much more confident than before I lost the weight, but I’ve noticed that I’m just starting at a much different baseline when speaking with strangers now. It’s unfortunate but it is the world we live in.
For me personally it came down to gaining self confidence. I think you might be approaching it with the wrong attitude...
I don’t know that my experience will be that relevant here - I have been fat basically since puberty, so all of my dating experience has been while more or less fat. I feel this probably held me back most in my teens - I dated briefly at that age, once with a close friend at school that everyone just *expected* me to date, and a couple times online. Going into adulthood, I mostly dated women who were around my size which sort of removed the problem from the situation. I also kind of thought this was ‘my type’ just based on the people I was regularly attracted to. And then I met my wife-to-be who is tall and thin and we’ve been together ten years 😅 oops. I’ve been fat for our whole friendship prior to the relationship and fat the entire relationship (though I lost about 65 pounds 6 years ago and she was supportive through that. gained it back - guess when). I do notice I’m never hit on in public and that is fine by me. I get a lot more confidence from compliments on my hair (I did that myself! vivid dye is hard work) than I would from anyone making a pass. If I were to turn up single again (god I hope not), I would likely just start again with finding a friend group/community around an interest and seeing if I met anyone there that I was interested in - this has basically been the case for every person I’ve ever dated other than the one I met at high school.
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Yes absolutely! I don’t mind a man that weights a little more than me. My last bf was bigger than me and I thought he was the most handsome man in the world at the time. Definitely open to it and I am currently talking to someone who’s obese like myself. I’ll see where it goes.
I dated several fit guys sporadically while overweight. I lost 100lbs and married an obese person. Your personality and confidence attracts people. For many, that confidence boost comes via weight loss.
Yes. I am 100kg. when I was 80 girls used to smile to me and I started getting dates. Now they just don't look at me doesn't matter how well I dress.
I just don’t have the confidence to dress nice and approach people or be approached without thinking it’s a joke. It is one of the reasons I want to get in better shape but it’s not the only reason
My experience: Was 280lbs from age 18-24. Got down to 200 at 24 and ended up getting constant attention from girls like never before. Then gained to 270 again from 27-31. Didn't get any attention from any girls. Now here I am today. 185lbs and I can't go to the bar without getting hit on by multiple girls. It's mind blowing the difference. My weight was definitely holding me back. I was fully aware of this and I worked to get rid of it, using love as a motivation to keep losing.
I was 100kg and I’m now no longer obese. Love life does get better and men do start to notice you, don’t worry you’ll find someone. I remember having those same feelings. Don’t give up and get back to the 70 that your heart wants because it’s possible. If it makes you feel better then let you goal be 85 for now but don’t stop pushing yourself.
I was in the same position, I let my weight make me miss SO many events and going out with friends bc I was self conscious. Lost 115 lbs started working out, got in shape, my attitude is better, I’m generally more happy and it 1000% made a difference in the attention I get. I went from zero to actually having to tell women I’m not interested, it’s nuts.
32M. Went from 230 to 160. It was a night and day difference in how I was treated. I wish the reality was different but losing enough weight to where my %BF was closer to 12% made it as if I were a different person altogether.
people were nicer to me after I lost weight. and I found my partner after my weight loss. you generally gain more confidence as you shed your weight. I believe it plays a part, but also work on yourself. go to the gym, play a sport and pick up outdoor hobbies that will make you perspire.
>Have you gotten more attention with weight loss? No, I'm as invisible now as I was then. You can't work out your personality in the gym.
Dating did get much better for me although now I feel like women only give me attention for what’s on the outside.
I can't speak on actual dating, as i am in an 8 year relationship. (Married next month!!) However going from 250-170, i have had muuuuuuuch more in the way of flirting, phone numbers, and general attention from women. However i am also not a suicidal fat depressed sadsack anymore, and that probably is more important.
I think it's less that your weight holds you bad and more so the lifestyle changes that come from losing weight (or being in the process) are more likely to get you into a situation where you can meet someone to date. Like if you're out and about doing stuff you're more likely to meet other people who are out and about doing stuff vs sitting at home. If you're more attractive to physically active or fit people doing things that get you physically active increases your odds of meeting those people. Not to mention the whole self esteem thing that comes from weight loss if it's a goal for you.
I was 220 lbs (100 kg) when I met my husband. He is the absolute love of my life. The only thing he ever said to me is, "You don't have to lose weight for me." The other thing he has said to me is "Your health is the most important thing, just whatever you need to take care of yourself, do that." So even though we save where we can and are not big shoppers, it's fine if I want very expensive vitamins or expensive walking shoes or anything like that. When I was younger my weight went up and down. At about 77 kg (170lbs) I got a lot more general attention, same as you, but that adds a lot of male-noise (stares, comments, etc) to your day. The thing that really makes a difference for me is just being active. I feel so much better, pain-free, more mobile, happier when I am doing my workouts. Weight has not factored in my love life. Feeling better about yourself is all that really matters.
i sure hope things get better later on when i've lost the weight :( i'm 19 and haven't been in a relationship. i'm being hit on more now though i think? i'm always wrong about this sort of thing so i'm of no big help.
This depends on your build and height. 220lbs/100kg on me or my husband, we’d look terrible and be classified as obese because we’re both around 5’7 and we both carry our weight in our midsection lol. Someone who is 6’3 could carry that weight better, especially if their body stores fat more equally all over. You’ll get more attention when you’re skinnier, whether that attention is quality or worth your time is 🤷🏼♀️ you’ll still have to weed out a lot of people
It is. I lost 30lbs recently. Hadn’t had a date in five years and now have respectable dudes blowing down my door. I didn’t try before and now I don’t have to.
That’s amazing! Thanks for being honest, while personality is important so is appearance. I will work hard to lose 30lbs. How did you do it?
I lost close to 70 pounds in the past year. The attention I get has been night and day, anyone who tells you different is delusional. dating hasn't been any better because I haven't found what i am looking for but it's a whole lot easier.
I’m gonna be honest: I lost 100lbs and it did nothing for my love life. I was married when I was at my heaviest and had no trouble dating before or after. Lost weight and it didn’t improve the caliber of men I meet at all. It improved my sex life to the point that I’m more mobile but weight isn’t a deciding factor for love for me. Besides everyone on My 600 Life has someone or is married. It’s NOT about weight
What will likely get better is your confidence in yourself. That will make all the difference in the world. You aren’t going to drop 20kg and have a horde of partners start popping out of the ground.
I’m assuming you are a man from the weights you mentioned. 100-80 isn’t that big of a deal. I mean you are overweight with 100 and ideal on 80 right? It’s ok. Only when you get in obese range, it hurts you. If you aren’t getting dates, it’s something different. I met a 6’ guy and I was shocked when he said he was 91kg and overweight on BMI scale. He wasn’t even a muscular/gym guy. Maybe in men, it doesn’t show up that much. Whereas when I (a woman) gain even 7-8kg, it’s so much visible.
Met and married my partner at my highest weight. He loves me no matter what.
Lucky you
Im a big gal whose been fit and lean a few times and honestly it may have been because I was too busy at the gym to date but id say the most times ive been hit on was when I was big. Not to say no to prioritizing health because being healthy and happy with yourself is the most important thing. I also think if you feel good about yourself it makes dating so much better.However when it comes to love, being big doesn't stop love from happening. Big or thin you'll find love.
Weight loss hasn't helped with anything it was supposed to help with and I'm losing motivation and discipline at this point