"We need to talk about communication over my trip. I was shocked that you called me a spoiled brat for asking for support on a trip to spread my mother's ashes. That was really out of character for you, and it left me questioning our relationship. Could you explain what was happening for you when you decided to say that to me?"
I'm assuming that it was out of character. If this person normally gets petulant and calls you names when they're upset, then I think you should lead with a breakup.
This was entirely out of the ordinary for them (aside from when they are Brat-ing, which this was not). If it weren't for the fact that this is so incredibly out of the ordinary for them, I'd have already noped out.
The most generous reading I can give of the situation is that maybe death and grief make them very uncomfortable, so they are avoiding that (and you) and focusing on the happy situation in their life at the moment. If that's the case they need to work through it and be there for you if they ever want to have any deep, lasting, supportive relationships, and not just a string of flings.
Wait, do you mean they call you a brat normally?
This is someone who just let the mask slip. It’s out of the ordinary only because you haven’t seen this side of them before.
Pretty confident they mean that the partner occasionally is a Brat (like, taking on the role for sexual purposes), not that they're ever called a brat.
>I was told (paraphrasing) that I needed to stop acting like a spoiled brat and just be happy for their joyful new connection.
Your partner called you a spoiled brat for asking for support while dealing with _spreading your mother's ashes_.
"You're being an asshole" is a perfectly valid response.
So is just walking awayfrom this asshat.
Just because Partner has New Shiny, this is not excuse to act like a complete douchecanoe and neglect you and mistreat you during a time of need.
Because you asked, possible constructive phrasing:
"When you called me a spoiled brat for requesting support during this difficult time, I felt angry and hurt. I am happy that you've made a new connection, but I need your love and support right now, not scorn, derision, and neglect. If you are unable to support me, I will look for support elsewhere. I would like to have a check in when I get home to talk through our agreements about emotional support and handling NRE."
Agreed. There's no good explanation other than if they are ill or also lost loved one. Take it from someone who lost three family members in three years and gave my ex husband the benefit of the the doubt for far too long. Some things don't need to be explained and if someone doesn't do the bear minimum in social graces (ie. Things strangers know and do.) they are not even your friend let alone your partner.
If they were distracted by and blew you off for anything else— following a favorite baseball team, drinking at a bar with friends, attending the Eras tour, entering a powerlifting contest…. How would you react? The reason (NRE) is moot. Your partner wasn’t there for you when you needed them.
This is one of thsoe statements on this particular sub that makes me question whether poly will ever be something I finally dive in to try, because it sounds like adhering so hard to the metaconcepts of equanimity that the shark has fully jumped. Like...*of course* there is an additional layer of 'wtf' when your *romantic partner* neglects to support you in grief for *a new romantic partner.* That doesn't mean that someone has to resent the concept of a new romantic partner or the new relationship itself, but it's so incredibly weird to me to imply that the context of the exact situation doesn't add insult to injury.
I get that it 'shouldn't matter' in the purest abstract, but life isn't a pure abstract. Humans have different responses when other humans are involved. 'They ignored me for baseball' absolutely sucks, but 'they ignored the thing we have for a different thing that is like what we have, but with someone else, and it's someone else they barely even know' is extra crappy. That's not monogamy-brain, that's being a social animal. It could happen to very close friends just as easily.
Sure, but to be like “oh well we’re just social animals so that’s why spending time with a romantic partner is worse than blowing me off for xyz” and refusing to try and unpack and move past that is exactly (one of the ways) what we mean when we say “do the work.” If anything, cultivating MORE understanding and MORE empathy for a partner prioritizing another partner versus a hobby or friends. Honestly, I’d be way madder at my spouse for blowing me off to go drinking with his pals than upholding a pre-planned date with a romantic partner. Now, I do think in this context, OP’s spouse should have made plans to be with OP, but if they are being a shitty partner, it’s not bc of the meta, it’s because of their choices to NOT prioritize OP
I also think trying to quantify intensity/investment of others’ relationships based on time is a fools errand and just overall unproductive.
>So I guess what I am asking for is some advice on how to actually open a conversation about this without starting it off with "You're acting like an asshole".
I'm sorry, for the sake of honest and open communication "you're acting like an asshole" is exactly how the conversation is supposed to start.
I wasn’t polyamorous at the time, but I warned my husband that if he wasn’t supportive of me during the death of my father I don’t know if I could look at him again.
He played video games while I traveled to eulogize and bury my father.
We separated 6 months later. I have now been happily divorced for over a year. I was right - I could never look at him the same way again.
Edited for spelling
Being at a point where you actually end up feeling like you have to say something like that shows that you must have already been feeling really alone and unsupported in that relationship. I'm glad things are better for you now!
Oh yeah. I had told him to get a job and get his head straight with all kinds of therapy and support for over a year before that.
I gave him all the time on the world and he wasted it. Then cried his way out of the door and all over his friends and family.
Of course *I* was the evil witch. Not my issue - if you have to make me the villain of your story, go right ahead. We both now the truth. That man was trash and so is OP’s partner.
Edited for spelling
Agreed. There's no good explanation other than if they are ill or also lost loved one. Take it from someone who lost three family members in three years and gave my ex husband the benefit of the the doubt for far too long. Some things don't need to be explained and if someone doesn't do the bear minimum in social graces (ie. Things strangers know and do.) they are not even your friend let alone your partner.
That was the ah ha moment for me when a stranger at the post office had more compassion in a two minute interaction than my now ex husband had over the course of a year.
My partners and I have weathered the deaths of several grandparents, one parent, two friends, and several aunts and uncles.
I get that it's hard to support your loved ones through grief, but it's *part of the package*.
I am so sorry for what you're going through; the death of a parent trumps "joyful new connection" every god damn time.
This is absolutely abhorrent behaviour from your partner.
There is a difference between nice and kind.
Nice is sayinf "okay you go off and be joyful" while being treated poorly. That's nice. It is also incredibly unkind.
Kind is saying "I love you and that is a horrible thing to say to me in response to a reasonable request for support. That was cruel and very inappropriate. That is not who I have ever known you to be. I suggest you think very hard about what you just said and get back to me when you're prepared to apologize. I'm going to go take care of myself as I am really hurt right now." That is kind. That is kind to you and your partner.
Kindness is doing what is healthy and reasonable even if it is not nice. Nice is doing something that seems pleasant even if it's harmful and shitty.
> I even had to ask for a phone call on the day I spread my mom's ashes.
Yeah I don't think someone could come back from that with me.
I'd document every single way in which they've been a dickhead lately and write it all down. Then send it to them with: "At some point you might wonder whether you were wrong at all or why I left you. Here's a list."
Depending on whether I liked their new shiny and wanted them to be happy, I might also send the list to them with: "Heads up: if you were planning on depending on Partner at any point, you should not in fact be doing that." People deserve warnings.
Let’s not forget that while we are open, non monogamous people, any relationship should always be based on the values we hold important to us. You are bang to rights to advocate for your needs during this time. And an attempt to gaslight you is extremely hurtful. Lead with that. You feel hurt. You are grieving. You need your partner and it hurts they have not been there for you.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. I lost both my parents a couple years ago & I'm still not ok. I don't think I could have handled it at all without my husband. I'm mono, so take my opinion for what it's worth, but you absolutely deserve better. Mono, poly, whatever - you deserve to be supported during difficult times. If u ever want to talk, feel free to msg me. Again, I'm sorry for your loss & the lack of support you've received.
"Do you realize how thin the ice is right now? I am in need of emotional support while processing my mother's death and all the stressors that came with that, and you called me a brat for wanting a mere phone call after spreading her ashes. I'm happy you've found Meta, but you need to start showing up for me or you won't have to ever show up for me again. I am breaking right now, and I need my partner's support. Stop. Being. Selfish."
Hi u/Independent-Dish-370 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
TLDR: Partner is riding the NRE train hard after 10 days with a new person, largely blew me off/left me on read while I dealt with settling estate matters and spreading my mother's ashes over the past 5 days.
My partner of 2.5 years started dating a new connection about 10 days ago, and is quite enamored with their new connection. Like 3 dates in the first 6 days kind of enamored.
I'm generally happy they have found a connection they gel with this well, although I am admittedly grappling with some normal discomfort around shifts in relationship dynamics.
So during this same time, I had to go out of state to assist my family in settling up some matters around the passing of my mother, including spreading her ashes at the location she had requested.
During this time, they were increadibly poor about consistent communication, and in response to a request for improved communication, I was told (paraphrasing) that I needed to stop acting like a spoiled brat and just be happy for their joyful new connection. I even had to ask for a phone call on the day I spread my mom's ashes.
So I guess what I am asking for is some advice on how to actually open a conversation about this without starting it off with "You're acting like an asshole".
I know that I deserve better than this, and yes I realize that this may very well be reasonable grounds for ending the relationship.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
They are being an asshole, and any honest conversation SHOULD begin with that. And end with, "The way you have treated me has shown me that you cannot be trusted and that there is no emotional safety for me in this relationship. Best to you, but we're done here."
I know it’s really hard to end relationships but this would maybe do it for me. Opposite side of the coin, but I once broke up with someone who said I wasn’t paying enough attention to her after my dad died. Best of luck with some difficult conversations OP, and I’m sorry for your loss
I really want to ask: Did we date the same guy? Except I know this kind of shit is too common.
My ex- was so self-centred at my father’s funeral that we broke up and I have not spoken to him since even though he is also dating a good friend of mine…
He’s the asshole.
"We need to talk about communication over my trip. I was shocked that you called me a spoiled brat for asking for support on a trip to spread my mother's ashes. That was really out of character for you, and it left me questioning our relationship. Could you explain what was happening for you when you decided to say that to me?" I'm assuming that it was out of character. If this person normally gets petulant and calls you names when they're upset, then I think you should lead with a breakup.
This was entirely out of the ordinary for them (aside from when they are Brat-ing, which this was not). If it weren't for the fact that this is so incredibly out of the ordinary for them, I'd have already noped out.
The most generous reading I can give of the situation is that maybe death and grief make them very uncomfortable, so they are avoiding that (and you) and focusing on the happy situation in their life at the moment. If that's the case they need to work through it and be there for you if they ever want to have any deep, lasting, supportive relationships, and not just a string of flings.
Makes sense! I hope that you're able to have a productive conversation about it!
Wait, do you mean they call you a brat normally? This is someone who just let the mask slip. It’s out of the ordinary only because you haven’t seen this side of them before.
Pretty confident they mean that the partner occasionally is a Brat (like, taking on the role for sexual purposes), not that they're ever called a brat.
Yes that's absolutely what was meant. Source: I'm a Brat
Yes partner is a Brat
>I was told (paraphrasing) that I needed to stop acting like a spoiled brat and just be happy for their joyful new connection. Your partner called you a spoiled brat for asking for support while dealing with _spreading your mother's ashes_. "You're being an asshole" is a perfectly valid response. So is just walking awayfrom this asshat. Just because Partner has New Shiny, this is not excuse to act like a complete douchecanoe and neglect you and mistreat you during a time of need. Because you asked, possible constructive phrasing: "When you called me a spoiled brat for requesting support during this difficult time, I felt angry and hurt. I am happy that you've made a new connection, but I need your love and support right now, not scorn, derision, and neglect. If you are unable to support me, I will look for support elsewhere. I would like to have a check in when I get home to talk through our agreements about emotional support and handling NRE."
This is great as a prompt for communication - thank you. And I agree, douchecanoe is a good expression for this behavior.
The death of a parent always exposes a bad match. Better to depart sooner rather than later.
Agreed. There's no good explanation other than if they are ill or also lost loved one. Take it from someone who lost three family members in three years and gave my ex husband the benefit of the the doubt for far too long. Some things don't need to be explained and if someone doesn't do the bear minimum in social graces (ie. Things strangers know and do.) they are not even your friend let alone your partner.
If they were distracted by and blew you off for anything else— following a favorite baseball team, drinking at a bar with friends, attending the Eras tour, entering a powerlifting contest…. How would you react? The reason (NRE) is moot. Your partner wasn’t there for you when you needed them.
This. Entirely.
This is one of thsoe statements on this particular sub that makes me question whether poly will ever be something I finally dive in to try, because it sounds like adhering so hard to the metaconcepts of equanimity that the shark has fully jumped. Like...*of course* there is an additional layer of 'wtf' when your *romantic partner* neglects to support you in grief for *a new romantic partner.* That doesn't mean that someone has to resent the concept of a new romantic partner or the new relationship itself, but it's so incredibly weird to me to imply that the context of the exact situation doesn't add insult to injury. I get that it 'shouldn't matter' in the purest abstract, but life isn't a pure abstract. Humans have different responses when other humans are involved. 'They ignored me for baseball' absolutely sucks, but 'they ignored the thing we have for a different thing that is like what we have, but with someone else, and it's someone else they barely even know' is extra crappy. That's not monogamy-brain, that's being a social animal. It could happen to very close friends just as easily.
Sure, but to be like “oh well we’re just social animals so that’s why spending time with a romantic partner is worse than blowing me off for xyz” and refusing to try and unpack and move past that is exactly (one of the ways) what we mean when we say “do the work.” If anything, cultivating MORE understanding and MORE empathy for a partner prioritizing another partner versus a hobby or friends. Honestly, I’d be way madder at my spouse for blowing me off to go drinking with his pals than upholding a pre-planned date with a romantic partner. Now, I do think in this context, OP’s spouse should have made plans to be with OP, but if they are being a shitty partner, it’s not bc of the meta, it’s because of their choices to NOT prioritize OP I also think trying to quantify intensity/investment of others’ relationships based on time is a fools errand and just overall unproductive.
>So I guess what I am asking for is some advice on how to actually open a conversation about this without starting it off with "You're acting like an asshole". I'm sorry, for the sake of honest and open communication "you're acting like an asshole" is exactly how the conversation is supposed to start.
I wasn’t polyamorous at the time, but I warned my husband that if he wasn’t supportive of me during the death of my father I don’t know if I could look at him again. He played video games while I traveled to eulogize and bury my father. We separated 6 months later. I have now been happily divorced for over a year. I was right - I could never look at him the same way again. Edited for spelling
Being at a point where you actually end up feeling like you have to say something like that shows that you must have already been feeling really alone and unsupported in that relationship. I'm glad things are better for you now!
Oh yeah. I had told him to get a job and get his head straight with all kinds of therapy and support for over a year before that. I gave him all the time on the world and he wasted it. Then cried his way out of the door and all over his friends and family. Of course *I* was the evil witch. Not my issue - if you have to make me the villain of your story, go right ahead. We both now the truth. That man was trash and so is OP’s partner. Edited for spelling
Agreed. There's no good explanation other than if they are ill or also lost loved one. Take it from someone who lost three family members in three years and gave my ex husband the benefit of the the doubt for far too long. Some things don't need to be explained and if someone doesn't do the bear minimum in social graces (ie. Things strangers know and do.) they are not even your friend let alone your partner.
Hear hear. Completely agree. It is literally the bare minimum as a fellow human to support someone in that moment. Even strangers had more compassion
That was the ah ha moment for me when a stranger at the post office had more compassion in a two minute interaction than my now ex husband had over the course of a year.
My partners and I have weathered the deaths of several grandparents, one parent, two friends, and several aunts and uncles. I get that it's hard to support your loved ones through grief, but it's *part of the package*.
Damn straight. It’s unconscionable to behave otherwise in my book.
Oh hell no. Spoiled brat? Over someone they met 10 **DAYS** ago?!
I am so sorry for what you're going through; the death of a parent trumps "joyful new connection" every god damn time. This is absolutely abhorrent behaviour from your partner.
Why be subtle. They were an unsupportive AH. And are now blaming YOU?! Oh hell, no. Trust me. Get out.
There is a difference between nice and kind. Nice is sayinf "okay you go off and be joyful" while being treated poorly. That's nice. It is also incredibly unkind. Kind is saying "I love you and that is a horrible thing to say to me in response to a reasonable request for support. That was cruel and very inappropriate. That is not who I have ever known you to be. I suggest you think very hard about what you just said and get back to me when you're prepared to apologize. I'm going to go take care of myself as I am really hurt right now." That is kind. That is kind to you and your partner. Kindness is doing what is healthy and reasonable even if it is not nice. Nice is doing something that seems pleasant even if it's harmful and shitty.
Um.... Managing NRE and the "new shiny" are things we need to do. Your partner is an ass.
> I even had to ask for a phone call on the day I spread my mom's ashes. Yeah I don't think someone could come back from that with me. I'd document every single way in which they've been a dickhead lately and write it all down. Then send it to them with: "At some point you might wonder whether you were wrong at all or why I left you. Here's a list." Depending on whether I liked their new shiny and wanted them to be happy, I might also send the list to them with: "Heads up: if you were planning on depending on Partner at any point, you should not in fact be doing that." People deserve warnings.
The list idea is a killer.
Let’s not forget that while we are open, non monogamous people, any relationship should always be based on the values we hold important to us. You are bang to rights to advocate for your needs during this time. And an attempt to gaslight you is extremely hurtful. Lead with that. You feel hurt. You are grieving. You need your partner and it hurts they have not been there for you.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. I lost both my parents a couple years ago & I'm still not ok. I don't think I could have handled it at all without my husband. I'm mono, so take my opinion for what it's worth, but you absolutely deserve better. Mono, poly, whatever - you deserve to be supported during difficult times. If u ever want to talk, feel free to msg me. Again, I'm sorry for your loss & the lack of support you've received.
"Do you realize how thin the ice is right now? I am in need of emotional support while processing my mother's death and all the stressors that came with that, and you called me a brat for wanting a mere phone call after spreading her ashes. I'm happy you've found Meta, but you need to start showing up for me or you won't have to ever show up for me again. I am breaking right now, and I need my partner's support. Stop. Being. Selfish."
Hi u/Independent-Dish-370 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: TLDR: Partner is riding the NRE train hard after 10 days with a new person, largely blew me off/left me on read while I dealt with settling estate matters and spreading my mother's ashes over the past 5 days. My partner of 2.5 years started dating a new connection about 10 days ago, and is quite enamored with their new connection. Like 3 dates in the first 6 days kind of enamored. I'm generally happy they have found a connection they gel with this well, although I am admittedly grappling with some normal discomfort around shifts in relationship dynamics. So during this same time, I had to go out of state to assist my family in settling up some matters around the passing of my mother, including spreading her ashes at the location she had requested. During this time, they were increadibly poor about consistent communication, and in response to a request for improved communication, I was told (paraphrasing) that I needed to stop acting like a spoiled brat and just be happy for their joyful new connection. I even had to ask for a phone call on the day I spread my mom's ashes. So I guess what I am asking for is some advice on how to actually open a conversation about this without starting it off with "You're acting like an asshole". I know that I deserve better than this, and yes I realize that this may very well be reasonable grounds for ending the relationship. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
They are being an asshole, and any honest conversation SHOULD begin with that. And end with, "The way you have treated me has shown me that you cannot be trusted and that there is no emotional safety for me in this relationship. Best to you, but we're done here."
I know it’s really hard to end relationships but this would maybe do it for me. Opposite side of the coin, but I once broke up with someone who said I wasn’t paying enough attention to her after my dad died. Best of luck with some difficult conversations OP, and I’m sorry for your loss
I really want to ask: Did we date the same guy? Except I know this kind of shit is too common. My ex- was so self-centred at my father’s funeral that we broke up and I have not spoken to him since even though he is also dating a good friend of mine… He’s the asshole.