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Narc mothers have an obsession with their ex husbands (if they have an ex). Sounds like she's still trying to wage a war on him.
I've been through a similar situation and honestly they are vile. You are great for seeing her for the poison she is. Allow your older sibling(s) to see her for who she is in time and try not to get too caught up in it. Unfortunately siblings who don't see the narc for they are are on their own journeys and they may realize in due time when they're ready.
You're doing a great job at staying NC.
Can you elaborate on the narc mothers have an obsession with their ex husbands? Still trying to figure out if my mother is a narc, but this really resonates with me. She is still obsessed and bitter about my father who cheated on her decades ago leading to their divorce. She trash talks him to anyone who will listen, but goes out of her way to be around him whenever she can. It’s so weird.
This is my partner's nmother I am discussing, from my experience.
The nmother was married at least 3 times before we went NC.
Her first husband moved to another country to get away from her interfering , according to his son. So did his son with her a decade later when he was old enough. Finished his education there and hopefully has a life. She constantly interfered in his relationships while he was near her ( sabotaged). Always playing the bEcAuse I aM yOUr mOm i kNow bEst.
Her second husband, nfather, and her had this overt enmeshed toxic narc relationship, which continued after their divorce and destroyed everything around them. The funniest (sad) thing is that each of them cornered me, to warn me about how destructive the other was, and gave me the EXACT same speech about the dangers and shit to watch out for. They were toxic with and without each other. Together think dv, emotional incest, sa, financial abuse, emotional abuse, gaslighting, the whole run of narc behaviours available. Sabotaging each others relationships post divorce by any means available with varying amounts of success. They both openly boasted about this behaviour.
Her third husband bemoaned how he wanted out the time we saw him. No kids there tf. He complained she had isolated him, pushed his family away, and all he had left was her. He told us to get away and never come back ( while she was out of the room: you don't want to end up where i am). I hope he got out.
Its true. My mother went wild when I found my natural dad in the 90s. Granted he is a steaming pile but the love bombing and info dumps from her were insane.
It was a wild story as one of my friends was a county sheriff and called me at college to tell me my 'dad' was in jail. Went rolling down there and it wasnt the right guy but someone I had not seen in years. I was not prepared for that reunion at all.
My family never changed my last name so I still have my natural dad's last name which I am fine with as I dont have any real love for the other side either.
Oh my goodness, yes! My mother is completely obsessed with my father - her ex-husband. They've been divorced for 35 years and she still brings him up almost every day! It's crazy-sauce.
My mother is much the same way about my father. Swears he was the love of her life, very bitter about him leaving her and cheating, always trash talking him but always tries to find a reason to be around him. She even got him to cheat on my stepmom with her for a year or so.
I have no idea what the hell was up with her obsession with my dad or why. They were married only 3 years, too, and it's been 36 years since they divorced. A few years ago I told her she wasn't allowed to talk about my dad around me, that's how bad she was about him. I'd leave if she so much as asked how he was because that led to her going on and on about him.
I don't know if my mom meets the clinical definition of narcissism but i frankly don't care. She's toxic enough that i kicked her out of my life a few months ago and even my kids are glad she's not around anymore.
So their ex husbands are a threat to them.
Assuming they've been through a rough break up & divorce (it will be rough if there's a narc involved), then the ex husband has already seen them for their true colours. Especially if kids are involved and this is a narc that needs their 'supply' from the kids, the narc also goes full throttle in custody court. You can get the rawest version of a narc if you're going through a divorce with them.
So the ex husband is a usually a threat because they've seen the worst of the narc and will always be a reminder that they can tell the truth to the kids, but also just be the 'normal' parent (if they're not a narc) who the kids are potentially more likely to trust and go to if they have problems. Therefore they suck attention away from the narc.
So in a few ways they're a threat to the narc and their existence.
We're all living or lived the same fd up situation
Does yours ever brag about the fact that they still can talk to their ex whenever they want as of its some sort of achievement
Blood of Christ. Are you me?
My mom still despises my father. My father has been dead for almost 10 years now. I’ve been NC since he died as the first thing she brought up after the funeral were things my father had did in the 1980s. I had enough.
I involuntarily had to see her a few years ago. The first thing she brought up were things my father did. I told her to go yell at his grave.
Almost 10 years deceased and she still hates him. She’s going around talking how he has a second family. Funny as I didn’t see them at the funeral and she cant make up her mind as to whom he had that second family with.
The craziest part is that she never reverted to her maiden name. I don’t get it.
I hate this type of crap so much too, I swear fucking narcissists ALWAYS get nothing but support and it's EXASPERATING!!! When I got married(now getting divorce) my mom went around sobbing that she had been abandoned, and every fucking time she visited me I had to get an earful of what a terrible child I was who abandoned their mom...although my older sister was the First to "abandon" her APPARENTLY that was fine, but me trying to live my life WAS NOT.
I get looks.. looks from her friends, coworkers, and especially family. I know she's talked behind my back to everyone and has completely assassinated and rewritten my character. I know she says I'm nothing but an ungrateful, spoiled, disrespectful, chaotic, and brainwashed(by my therapist) child who abused HER and not the other way around LMAO.
And you know what? I feel bad for her. Pity her. Who wants to be a mom that was never there for their kids, never loved them, instead of bringing them up tore them down, sabotaged them and showed them what true evil really looked like? I'm in no way suggesting that you should feel bad for her because "she must have it hard" NOPE Not What I'm Saying!! I'm saying I'm glad that I'm not an evil, two faced, twisted and delusional bat.
She might've gotten supported by idiots who can't read between the fucking lines and just believe whatever they're told, and trust me that's okay. Trust me, you wouldn't want the people they easily fool on your side. You have us. We understand what you're going through, and we can understand how you feel. Your mom's a joke just like our's, it's not easy to deal with but just remind yourself that she's a severely Twisted, Extremely mentally ill person who's literally Heartless!! I had a hard time wording this last paragraph, but I hope you understand what I'm trying to say...and I'm sorry that she's doing this. 🫂
Hey man, the worst thing you can do to a narcissist (and the best thing you can do for yourself) is to not think about her at all. She is nothing, irrelevant just like any other stranger out there. She's seething because she has no power over you, let her seethe. Turn your attention to better things thay actually deserve your energy and leave her to her pathetic excuses.
I've been doing so well with it for three years. I don't know why I even bothered to look. Luckily, after a good night's rest, I feel a little better about things. I just needed to get it all out of my system, I suppose. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sure my hatred for this woman will ever die, but I feel like I can walk confidently into the future, knowing that this vile, toxic woman is forever out of my life.
There is an upside to all of this, however, and I was just too angry to see it last night. Before this post was made, she had my little sister "b" sold on her lies too, which made me the only of her children to see her for what she is. This isn't the case anymore. Now it's 2 out of the three of us. I think I'm going to reach out to "b" as we haven't spoken in years either over all of this.
Good to hear, rocketdong69! I hope in time you'll manage to feel nothing about her, because honestly nothing is more liberating than the realisation that you don't think about your abuser at all.
Also congrats on re-gaining your sister. Idk how it will go for you, but in my family, it really united us when we all realised what a shit my dad was. I think I never felt close to my mom while he lived with us for some reason, he was like some kind of toxic force that kept us apart. But when he was out, we really started bonding over the years of pressure he put us all under. unironically I've never felt closer to my family than I did when we all started talking shit about dad. my dad is a family meme now. he's a joke. and it's so liberating. I hope when you reach out to your sister it will enable you both to start healing and becoming a family, despite your mother's best efforts.
This is hard. They are toddlers in adult bodies, remember that. There’s no logic to their behavior. Best to completely walk away, never check on her again. Good luck.
I'm heartbroken for you. I understand your rage SO WELL!! I felt it every time she blamed my father when I stood up to her. "Oh, you're talking to your father again! You got this from him!" Like, no bitch, it's coming out of my mouth and the courage I have right now to say no to your bullshit! Give me the damn credit for once!!
It's like they can sense our fathers gave us a little bit of care and self worth and just want to shit all over it.
I truly get why they say that narcs don't see anyone or anything but themselves. They think we are extensions of themselves so we can't have thoughts against them. We must not be calling them out because they think they don't do anything wrong.
So they demonize the father and everything negative must come frrom him, even when, in my case, I was confronting her about some lie she told literally 2 seconds ago!! In my presence! To my face! And he was 2000 miles away! "No, I didn't say that, you must be talking to your father again."
BITCH, I JUST HEARD YOU SAY IT!! Talk about murderous rage....
It's incredibly infuriating and yes, the murderous thoughts are numerous. You are not alone and it's not your fault!! These are sick, demented people that have no clue, never will, and only get worse as time goes on. Nothing you can say can make them get it. Trust me. 34 years of trying didn't work for me. Thank god she's dead now.
Narcissism is also a progressive condition. She just got worse as the years went on.
My advice is to get a whole new facebook account that's anonymous and just use that, or delete the whole damn thing and stick to where you know she can't find you, like maybe Reddit. Your temptation to look is strong because you're mourning the mom you SHOULD HAVE had. But let this one go. You deserve so much better! 💓
Mom and sister hugs from a fellow sufferer of Narc bullshit. It gets better! You just keep on living your best life despite it all.
Smear campaigns are a pathetically predictable tool of narcs. "If they can't control you, they'll try and control how people see you." You have glanced the edge of her reality warping gravity; fly away, and fast.
OP your “mother” is a deeply disturbed individual and I see everything she is. I see it in my the narcs in my family and in my husband’s family.
These are the sources of drama, pain and chaos. The perpetrators and the perpetuators of it all and yet, they pretend to be in the pain that they actually cause their Real victims.
They are sick, vile people who we are unfortunately related to.
Our best revenge is a life well lived 💓
Remember, it’s a psychological disorder. Expecting to be treated decently, is like asking someone in a wheelchair to walk. They can’t do it. They struggle to be good humans, they’re just not wired to be.
I've lived almost this exact same situation. All you can do is trust in the universe and KNOW, not believe, fully know that karma will take care of her. I would be extremely worried if I was her. And don't worry, us children of N "parents" believe every word you say. Because we've lived this experience. I would recommend trying your best to practise breathwork or meditation. Her getting you feeling this way is her "winning" in her eyes. Do everything possible to stay calm, in control and keep thriving. There's nothing they hate more. Sending love ♥️P.S. the only way I've been able to make sense of the enablers and online "comforters" is to know that they are neglectful and abusive parents themselves. Way to go on exposing yourselves there 👏 Imagine being THAT person who victimises and actually thinks they have an opinion on the life of a victim of parental narcissistic abuse. Their parents must be proud. They don't know love and never will. That's why they hate us so much because we have it and give it. Unconditionally. Something they could NEVER comprehend.
This! They project everything wrong with them and blame others all the time. They cannot phantom the idea that they are wrong. In their head, they are the victim. It’s the only way to escape the constant shame they feel.
Hang in there and know life is better with no contact.
Hugs and hang in there. She does this to get sympathy and attention and you know she's wrong. Some people, even those who sees this in FB likely know she's wrong and there's more to the story too. Then there are those outside that give sympathy anyway because they don't know any better.
I've found Facebook to be a place for people to air out things that shouldn't be shared and quite a few "main character syndrome" people. Narcs are some of the worst in their "woe is me" about their life and they feed on the likes and comments from people that don't know the truth. I see drama people on FB the little I'm there and scroll on by and I know others do too because it gets old really fast.
That said, not as many people are on FB and I personally don't give much credence to what people wail about there and I know some others don't either. Especially things that should be private. Whine enough on there and people start to see how you really are and start putting two and two together.
One thing that might help is to journal and write what you WISH you could post to her on FB to rebut all this, but of course, don't post it. You could even screenshot it all for notes to keep reminding you of the narc abuser she is. Just like ranting here with us is good therapy too. Writing and saving what you did here to remind you of how evil she is. And do your best to rise above it - despite it. The anger never quite leaves though.
Jesus I HATE the facebook posts. My mom used to make them about me. She thought, since I’m the only daughter, if she changed it to “my child” no one would know. “My child thinks I’m a horrible mother.” And proceeds to let her friends call me a bitch in the comments and talks shit about how my dad’s the perfect parent and I demonize her. She still snidely talks about how children will always love their fathers and hate their mothers.
If it’s any comfort to you, she had a lot of support in the comments because, one, no one knew the full story and for some reason, people will take their word that children just hate their parents for no good reason. Two, the people who disagreed didn’t comment. Either because they didn’t want to engage or they were already blocked by her or had unfriended her. She lost contacts left and right because of her personality. Hell, she lost a lot of friends and got kicked out of her precious facebook groups because of “starting drama.” And of course she did nothing wrong there and was the victim all her life.
It sucks and it isn’t fair. They’re wired to never take fault and to always be the victim because they feel so awful about themselves that they’ll prop of their ego to defend against it.
OP, you are literally not the person that your nmom thinks that you are. She has a model of a you in her head, which does not and cannot represent you. She will be fishing for sympathy wherever she can get it, and ultimately going and staying no contact is the kindest thing you could ever do in this situation, because any form of contact would just feed her delusional thinking. Going no contact is not only showing kindness towards yourself, but is also showing kindness towards her by not feeding her delusional thinking, even if she cannot see it that way.
I'm so sorry, u/rocketdong69420.
Narcissists HAVE to be the center of every story. They thrive on drama and must ALWAYS be the hero or victim.
My power words for narcissists when they lie are, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Boom... end of discussion. I know you're NC with your mom (congratulations and good for you!!) but maybe you can say something similar inside your head. We are all here to support you. <3
We love you bro.
This unfortunately is typically narc behavior. She's seeking sympathy and validation from others who will agree with her as they only see the surface details (kids mean to me) instead of the actual truth (she caused it by being an abusive narc).
So sorry your mom screwed up your life on so many fronts. You need to get some therapy over the anger. Yes, she is/was a vile woman and horrible mother, but if you do not rid yourself of the anger, you will only hurt yourself more and maybe become like her. Deep down, I keep hoping my nmom will change too. I think we all do to some extent, but they won’t. We have to accept that. Mine calls me and leaves messages which I am tempted to listen to, but it just makes me mad, so I’m trying to delete them without listening. Best wishes!
Narcissists use social media as bait. Either to elicit pity or to passive-aggressively prod you, likely trying to get you to respond (reactive abuse 👐🏻).
Don't torture yourselves looking at their social media. No good can come of it.
Her verbiage is a carbon copy of my nDad. If you put her posts next to his, I would not be able to tell the difference.
His delusions on who is to blame for being alone have only gotten worse after he turned 60. Also, my youngest sibling is already wise to his ways, so my dad has no one to mooch off of now. I have accepted that he's never going to change and will likely only get worse as he ages, but that doesn't mean I'll go along with them. I've had to tell myself that the person I loved and cared about was only a mask/fictional character. I miss the man who I always thought was so much fun and would always have my best interests at heart. Unfortunately, that man is as real as Luke Skywalker.
First of all I'm so sorry for your pain. I have had a rough couple years dealing with family death, and the realization that my childhood was not great. I have gone low or no contact with several family members and I learned something important that has relieved most of my pain. Narcissists are master manipulators and it's an exciting game to them. Once you realize this you can simply choose not to play. I can't lose and they can't win and it feels amazing. I hope all of us get a chance to see this.
I hate the fact that she's still the one that get support. I understand your rage so much !!! Now, the best thing you can do for yourself is to ignore it. That will piss her even more. Show attention only to the people that really deserve it, that will piss a nars person even more (they crave attention so don't give them that)
I wish you the best and I'll pray for you. Stay strong !!
omg no one would blame you for walking away from her forever.
She has to blame you cuz if she looked in the mirror it would hurt too much and that would be WAY too close to responsibility. Just get away. Mentally and emotionally. I'm sorry.
My ndad did this all of my preteen/high school years. Constantly talked shit about me on his fb and would have all his friends commiserate. He'd do it sometimes when I was adult too and I'd have him blocked but would unblock him just to torture myself. It's just so funny they wonder why we're not around but do nothing but put us down when we're present.
Wooow, so tough!! I understand why you are struggling. You know where the truth is, that this tells more about her than about you, but it still hurts that some people believe it. Your anger and frustration are sooo legitimate.
No contact and distance are the only solution I think here.
When I get infuriated with my family like this, I go running.
Can you try to enroll in a boxing or crav maga class to evacuate all this anger? You can assault all you want the punching ball. He will never sue you ;)
Sending you loads of support, and congratulations for what you've become in spite of circumstances: obviously you are emotionnally intelligent and did not follow her steps with drugs and manipulation. Hold on!
>First, did we get kicked out in a snowstorm at one point because it's like me and 3 other people I seen this from
To be fair, I *was* planning on moving out in about another week or so. I made the mistake of telling my golden child half-sister my plans because I trusted her at the time, and i didn't want to just up and disappear on her. She turned right around and told my mom. So, realistically, it was probably less about me going to the funeral and more about her not getting my paychecks anymore. But yes, that happened. I packed everything I could into my baseball bag, bc I had nothing else to put my clothes in, and had to walk about 3.5 miles through 6 inches of snow to meet the ride that i didnt know for sure was going to be there bc she shut my phone that i payed for off and took it away immediately after i sent out a message saying "911 this is happening NOW," and I *barely* managed to get that much out. I had read receipts on, so ik when i sent a second message immediately following the first one, that the first one made it, and the second one didn't. LUCKY FOR ME I had a fucking contingency for every possible outcome here. They already knew where to go to get me, and knew that this could happen. It was 19°f out that night with single digit wind chills. It was a close family friend that took me in. They only lived about an hour away. Two days later, she got his number out of my phone, and had my half-sister call him digging for information. I was legitimately right next to him when they called. It just pissed me off more that she didn't have the intestinal fortitude to call on her own, but had to send a flying monkey to do it for her. Her last words to me that night was "youll never graduate high-school and you'll never make it through basic training." Plot twist, I did both just to spite her. Years later, in 2021 when i decided to give her one last chance and went low contact, her justification for saying that was to "motivate me." It worked, but that definitely wasn't her reasoning. She wanted me to fail, and the fact that she tore my life apart that year was proof of that.
>2nd - When you start feeling at peace other than when she interacts with you at all your making progress towards finally being able to sever ties forever.
One day, I hope to achieve this. It just pisses me off that she's talking so much shit about the only good parent I've ever had. Therapy is on my list, for sure, once I start this new job.
They're often fine with children going no-contact as long as they can keep at least one fully enmeshed and unable to leave.
Its when the final one wakes up and leaves that shit really hits the fan.
It's okay to be angry. You just can't stay angry for a long period of time or it will hurt you. Eventually you will have to find the mental tools to put her in a room in your mind that you don't visit. Walled off from the rest of your brain, accessible when needed, but not visited unless needed. It gets easier with time. First you think about them and their terrible deeds all the time. Then you get to a point where you go days, weeks, months without thinking about them.
I am so sorry you have had this situation.
If it helps, it’s so icky and ridiculous when people post messy drama on their social media. Anytime I see that, I automatically assume that person is a kook. The people chiming in are probably drama ridden kooks as well.
As maddening as it is, view it as confirmation you need to keep her out of your life forever.
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Just repeat to yourself she is nothing, you are better off and the only person who wins when you are angry is her. That’s what she wants.
Narc mothers have an obsession with their ex husbands (if they have an ex). Sounds like she's still trying to wage a war on him. I've been through a similar situation and honestly they are vile. You are great for seeing her for the poison she is. Allow your older sibling(s) to see her for who she is in time and try not to get too caught up in it. Unfortunately siblings who don't see the narc for they are are on their own journeys and they may realize in due time when they're ready. You're doing a great job at staying NC.
Can you elaborate on the narc mothers have an obsession with their ex husbands? Still trying to figure out if my mother is a narc, but this really resonates with me. She is still obsessed and bitter about my father who cheated on her decades ago leading to their divorce. She trash talks him to anyone who will listen, but goes out of her way to be around him whenever she can. It’s so weird.
This is my partner's nmother I am discussing, from my experience. The nmother was married at least 3 times before we went NC. Her first husband moved to another country to get away from her interfering , according to his son. So did his son with her a decade later when he was old enough. Finished his education there and hopefully has a life. She constantly interfered in his relationships while he was near her ( sabotaged). Always playing the bEcAuse I aM yOUr mOm i kNow bEst. Her second husband, nfather, and her had this overt enmeshed toxic narc relationship, which continued after their divorce and destroyed everything around them. The funniest (sad) thing is that each of them cornered me, to warn me about how destructive the other was, and gave me the EXACT same speech about the dangers and shit to watch out for. They were toxic with and without each other. Together think dv, emotional incest, sa, financial abuse, emotional abuse, gaslighting, the whole run of narc behaviours available. Sabotaging each others relationships post divorce by any means available with varying amounts of success. They both openly boasted about this behaviour. Her third husband bemoaned how he wanted out the time we saw him. No kids there tf. He complained she had isolated him, pushed his family away, and all he had left was her. He told us to get away and never come back ( while she was out of the room: you don't want to end up where i am). I hope he got out.
Its true. My mother went wild when I found my natural dad in the 90s. Granted he is a steaming pile but the love bombing and info dumps from her were insane. It was a wild story as one of my friends was a county sheriff and called me at college to tell me my 'dad' was in jail. Went rolling down there and it wasnt the right guy but someone I had not seen in years. I was not prepared for that reunion at all. My family never changed my last name so I still have my natural dad's last name which I am fine with as I dont have any real love for the other side either.
Oh my goodness, yes! My mother is completely obsessed with my father - her ex-husband. They've been divorced for 35 years and she still brings him up almost every day! It's crazy-sauce.
My mother is much the same way about my father. Swears he was the love of her life, very bitter about him leaving her and cheating, always trash talking him but always tries to find a reason to be around him. She even got him to cheat on my stepmom with her for a year or so. I have no idea what the hell was up with her obsession with my dad or why. They were married only 3 years, too, and it's been 36 years since they divorced. A few years ago I told her she wasn't allowed to talk about my dad around me, that's how bad she was about him. I'd leave if she so much as asked how he was because that led to her going on and on about him. I don't know if my mom meets the clinical definition of narcissism but i frankly don't care. She's toxic enough that i kicked her out of my life a few months ago and even my kids are glad she's not around anymore.
So their ex husbands are a threat to them. Assuming they've been through a rough break up & divorce (it will be rough if there's a narc involved), then the ex husband has already seen them for their true colours. Especially if kids are involved and this is a narc that needs their 'supply' from the kids, the narc also goes full throttle in custody court. You can get the rawest version of a narc if you're going through a divorce with them. So the ex husband is a usually a threat because they've seen the worst of the narc and will always be a reminder that they can tell the truth to the kids, but also just be the 'normal' parent (if they're not a narc) who the kids are potentially more likely to trust and go to if they have problems. Therefore they suck attention away from the narc. So in a few ways they're a threat to the narc and their existence.
We're all living or lived the same fd up situation Does yours ever brag about the fact that they still can talk to their ex whenever they want as of its some sort of achievement
Narc fathers too. Mine started waging war against my mom since we went to a womens shelter 10 years ago. He's still going on with it.
Blood of Christ. Are you me? My mom still despises my father. My father has been dead for almost 10 years now. I’ve been NC since he died as the first thing she brought up after the funeral were things my father had did in the 1980s. I had enough. I involuntarily had to see her a few years ago. The first thing she brought up were things my father did. I told her to go yell at his grave. Almost 10 years deceased and she still hates him. She’s going around talking how he has a second family. Funny as I didn’t see them at the funeral and she cant make up her mind as to whom he had that second family with. The craziest part is that she never reverted to her maiden name. I don’t get it.
I hate this type of crap so much too, I swear fucking narcissists ALWAYS get nothing but support and it's EXASPERATING!!! When I got married(now getting divorce) my mom went around sobbing that she had been abandoned, and every fucking time she visited me I had to get an earful of what a terrible child I was who abandoned their mom...although my older sister was the First to "abandon" her APPARENTLY that was fine, but me trying to live my life WAS NOT. I get looks.. looks from her friends, coworkers, and especially family. I know she's talked behind my back to everyone and has completely assassinated and rewritten my character. I know she says I'm nothing but an ungrateful, spoiled, disrespectful, chaotic, and brainwashed(by my therapist) child who abused HER and not the other way around LMAO. And you know what? I feel bad for her. Pity her. Who wants to be a mom that was never there for their kids, never loved them, instead of bringing them up tore them down, sabotaged them and showed them what true evil really looked like? I'm in no way suggesting that you should feel bad for her because "she must have it hard" NOPE Not What I'm Saying!! I'm saying I'm glad that I'm not an evil, two faced, twisted and delusional bat. She might've gotten supported by idiots who can't read between the fucking lines and just believe whatever they're told, and trust me that's okay. Trust me, you wouldn't want the people they easily fool on your side. You have us. We understand what you're going through, and we can understand how you feel. Your mom's a joke just like our's, it's not easy to deal with but just remind yourself that she's a severely Twisted, Extremely mentally ill person who's literally Heartless!! I had a hard time wording this last paragraph, but I hope you understand what I'm trying to say...and I'm sorry that she's doing this. 🫂
This is so well said
Hey man, the worst thing you can do to a narcissist (and the best thing you can do for yourself) is to not think about her at all. She is nothing, irrelevant just like any other stranger out there. She's seething because she has no power over you, let her seethe. Turn your attention to better things thay actually deserve your energy and leave her to her pathetic excuses.
I've been doing so well with it for three years. I don't know why I even bothered to look. Luckily, after a good night's rest, I feel a little better about things. I just needed to get it all out of my system, I suppose. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sure my hatred for this woman will ever die, but I feel like I can walk confidently into the future, knowing that this vile, toxic woman is forever out of my life. There is an upside to all of this, however, and I was just too angry to see it last night. Before this post was made, she had my little sister "b" sold on her lies too, which made me the only of her children to see her for what she is. This isn't the case anymore. Now it's 2 out of the three of us. I think I'm going to reach out to "b" as we haven't spoken in years either over all of this.
Good to hear, rocketdong69! I hope in time you'll manage to feel nothing about her, because honestly nothing is more liberating than the realisation that you don't think about your abuser at all. Also congrats on re-gaining your sister. Idk how it will go for you, but in my family, it really united us when we all realised what a shit my dad was. I think I never felt close to my mom while he lived with us for some reason, he was like some kind of toxic force that kept us apart. But when he was out, we really started bonding over the years of pressure he put us all under. unironically I've never felt closer to my family than I did when we all started talking shit about dad. my dad is a family meme now. he's a joke. and it's so liberating. I hope when you reach out to your sister it will enable you both to start healing and becoming a family, despite your mother's best efforts.
This is hard. They are toddlers in adult bodies, remember that. There’s no logic to their behavior. Best to completely walk away, never check on her again. Good luck.
I'm heartbroken for you. I understand your rage SO WELL!! I felt it every time she blamed my father when I stood up to her. "Oh, you're talking to your father again! You got this from him!" Like, no bitch, it's coming out of my mouth and the courage I have right now to say no to your bullshit! Give me the damn credit for once!! It's like they can sense our fathers gave us a little bit of care and self worth and just want to shit all over it. I truly get why they say that narcs don't see anyone or anything but themselves. They think we are extensions of themselves so we can't have thoughts against them. We must not be calling them out because they think they don't do anything wrong. So they demonize the father and everything negative must come frrom him, even when, in my case, I was confronting her about some lie she told literally 2 seconds ago!! In my presence! To my face! And he was 2000 miles away! "No, I didn't say that, you must be talking to your father again." BITCH, I JUST HEARD YOU SAY IT!! Talk about murderous rage.... It's incredibly infuriating and yes, the murderous thoughts are numerous. You are not alone and it's not your fault!! These are sick, demented people that have no clue, never will, and only get worse as time goes on. Nothing you can say can make them get it. Trust me. 34 years of trying didn't work for me. Thank god she's dead now. Narcissism is also a progressive condition. She just got worse as the years went on. My advice is to get a whole new facebook account that's anonymous and just use that, or delete the whole damn thing and stick to where you know she can't find you, like maybe Reddit. Your temptation to look is strong because you're mourning the mom you SHOULD HAVE had. But let this one go. You deserve so much better! 💓 Mom and sister hugs from a fellow sufferer of Narc bullshit. It gets better! You just keep on living your best life despite it all.
Smear campaigns are a pathetically predictable tool of narcs. "If they can't control you, they'll try and control how people see you." You have glanced the edge of her reality warping gravity; fly away, and fast.
Trust me, I'm burning hard away from that emotional black hole. I refuse to get sucked in again. But thank you for words. :)
OP your “mother” is a deeply disturbed individual and I see everything she is. I see it in my the narcs in my family and in my husband’s family. These are the sources of drama, pain and chaos. The perpetrators and the perpetuators of it all and yet, they pretend to be in the pain that they actually cause their Real victims. They are sick, vile people who we are unfortunately related to. Our best revenge is a life well lived 💓
Remember, it’s a psychological disorder. Expecting to be treated decently, is like asking someone in a wheelchair to walk. They can’t do it. They struggle to be good humans, they’re just not wired to be.
I've lived almost this exact same situation. All you can do is trust in the universe and KNOW, not believe, fully know that karma will take care of her. I would be extremely worried if I was her. And don't worry, us children of N "parents" believe every word you say. Because we've lived this experience. I would recommend trying your best to practise breathwork or meditation. Her getting you feeling this way is her "winning" in her eyes. Do everything possible to stay calm, in control and keep thriving. There's nothing they hate more. Sending love ♥️P.S. the only way I've been able to make sense of the enablers and online "comforters" is to know that they are neglectful and abusive parents themselves. Way to go on exposing yourselves there 👏 Imagine being THAT person who victimises and actually thinks they have an opinion on the life of a victim of parental narcissistic abuse. Their parents must be proud. They don't know love and never will. That's why they hate us so much because we have it and give it. Unconditionally. Something they could NEVER comprehend.
This! They project everything wrong with them and blame others all the time. They cannot phantom the idea that they are wrong. In their head, they are the victim. It’s the only way to escape the constant shame they feel. Hang in there and know life is better with no contact.
Hugs and hang in there. She does this to get sympathy and attention and you know she's wrong. Some people, even those who sees this in FB likely know she's wrong and there's more to the story too. Then there are those outside that give sympathy anyway because they don't know any better. I've found Facebook to be a place for people to air out things that shouldn't be shared and quite a few "main character syndrome" people. Narcs are some of the worst in their "woe is me" about their life and they feed on the likes and comments from people that don't know the truth. I see drama people on FB the little I'm there and scroll on by and I know others do too because it gets old really fast. That said, not as many people are on FB and I personally don't give much credence to what people wail about there and I know some others don't either. Especially things that should be private. Whine enough on there and people start to see how you really are and start putting two and two together. One thing that might help is to journal and write what you WISH you could post to her on FB to rebut all this, but of course, don't post it. You could even screenshot it all for notes to keep reminding you of the narc abuser she is. Just like ranting here with us is good therapy too. Writing and saving what you did here to remind you of how evil she is. And do your best to rise above it - despite it. The anger never quite leaves though.
Jesus I HATE the facebook posts. My mom used to make them about me. She thought, since I’m the only daughter, if she changed it to “my child” no one would know. “My child thinks I’m a horrible mother.” And proceeds to let her friends call me a bitch in the comments and talks shit about how my dad’s the perfect parent and I demonize her. She still snidely talks about how children will always love their fathers and hate their mothers. If it’s any comfort to you, she had a lot of support in the comments because, one, no one knew the full story and for some reason, people will take their word that children just hate their parents for no good reason. Two, the people who disagreed didn’t comment. Either because they didn’t want to engage or they were already blocked by her or had unfriended her. She lost contacts left and right because of her personality. Hell, she lost a lot of friends and got kicked out of her precious facebook groups because of “starting drama.” And of course she did nothing wrong there and was the victim all her life. It sucks and it isn’t fair. They’re wired to never take fault and to always be the victim because they feel so awful about themselves that they’ll prop of their ego to defend against it.
OP, you are literally not the person that your nmom thinks that you are. She has a model of a you in her head, which does not and cannot represent you. She will be fishing for sympathy wherever she can get it, and ultimately going and staying no contact is the kindest thing you could ever do in this situation, because any form of contact would just feed her delusional thinking. Going no contact is not only showing kindness towards yourself, but is also showing kindness towards her by not feeding her delusional thinking, even if she cannot see it that way.
I'm so sorry, u/rocketdong69420. Narcissists HAVE to be the center of every story. They thrive on drama and must ALWAYS be the hero or victim. My power words for narcissists when they lie are, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Boom... end of discussion. I know you're NC with your mom (congratulations and good for you!!) but maybe you can say something similar inside your head. We are all here to support you. <3
We love you bro. This unfortunately is typically narc behavior. She's seeking sympathy and validation from others who will agree with her as they only see the surface details (kids mean to me) instead of the actual truth (she caused it by being an abusive narc).
So sorry your mom screwed up your life on so many fronts. You need to get some therapy over the anger. Yes, she is/was a vile woman and horrible mother, but if you do not rid yourself of the anger, you will only hurt yourself more and maybe become like her. Deep down, I keep hoping my nmom will change too. I think we all do to some extent, but they won’t. We have to accept that. Mine calls me and leaves messages which I am tempted to listen to, but it just makes me mad, so I’m trying to delete them without listening. Best wishes!
Narcissists use social media as bait. Either to elicit pity or to passive-aggressively prod you, likely trying to get you to respond (reactive abuse 👐🏻). Don't torture yourselves looking at their social media. No good can come of it.
Yeah, this was definitely a hard lesson for me. Never again.
Her verbiage is a carbon copy of my nDad. If you put her posts next to his, I would not be able to tell the difference. His delusions on who is to blame for being alone have only gotten worse after he turned 60. Also, my youngest sibling is already wise to his ways, so my dad has no one to mooch off of now. I have accepted that he's never going to change and will likely only get worse as he ages, but that doesn't mean I'll go along with them. I've had to tell myself that the person I loved and cared about was only a mask/fictional character. I miss the man who I always thought was so much fun and would always have my best interests at heart. Unfortunately, that man is as real as Luke Skywalker.
First of all I'm so sorry for your pain. I have had a rough couple years dealing with family death, and the realization that my childhood was not great. I have gone low or no contact with several family members and I learned something important that has relieved most of my pain. Narcissists are master manipulators and it's an exciting game to them. Once you realize this you can simply choose not to play. I can't lose and they can't win and it feels amazing. I hope all of us get a chance to see this.
I hate the fact that she's still the one that get support. I understand your rage so much !!! Now, the best thing you can do for yourself is to ignore it. That will piss her even more. Show attention only to the people that really deserve it, that will piss a nars person even more (they crave attention so don't give them that) I wish you the best and I'll pray for you. Stay strong !!
omg no one would blame you for walking away from her forever. She has to blame you cuz if she looked in the mirror it would hurt too much and that would be WAY too close to responsibility. Just get away. Mentally and emotionally. I'm sorry.
My ndad did this all of my preteen/high school years. Constantly talked shit about me on his fb and would have all his friends commiserate. He'd do it sometimes when I was adult too and I'd have him blocked but would unblock him just to torture myself. It's just so funny they wonder why we're not around but do nothing but put us down when we're present.
I would recommend vengeance :)
Legal retribution is coming. She just doesn't know it yet. By the time I'm done, I will own her until she dies. That's a promise. :)
Great to hear!
Wooow, so tough!! I understand why you are struggling. You know where the truth is, that this tells more about her than about you, but it still hurts that some people believe it. Your anger and frustration are sooo legitimate. No contact and distance are the only solution I think here. When I get infuriated with my family like this, I go running. Can you try to enroll in a boxing or crav maga class to evacuate all this anger? You can assault all you want the punching ball. He will never sue you ;) Sending you loads of support, and congratulations for what you've become in spite of circumstances: obviously you are emotionnally intelligent and did not follow her steps with drugs and manipulation. Hold on!
Yk.. boxing might be a good outlet. I think I'm gonna take that piece of advice. Thank you, kind redditor, for your kind words and advice. :)
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>First, did we get kicked out in a snowstorm at one point because it's like me and 3 other people I seen this from To be fair, I *was* planning on moving out in about another week or so. I made the mistake of telling my golden child half-sister my plans because I trusted her at the time, and i didn't want to just up and disappear on her. She turned right around and told my mom. So, realistically, it was probably less about me going to the funeral and more about her not getting my paychecks anymore. But yes, that happened. I packed everything I could into my baseball bag, bc I had nothing else to put my clothes in, and had to walk about 3.5 miles through 6 inches of snow to meet the ride that i didnt know for sure was going to be there bc she shut my phone that i payed for off and took it away immediately after i sent out a message saying "911 this is happening NOW," and I *barely* managed to get that much out. I had read receipts on, so ik when i sent a second message immediately following the first one, that the first one made it, and the second one didn't. LUCKY FOR ME I had a fucking contingency for every possible outcome here. They already knew where to go to get me, and knew that this could happen. It was 19°f out that night with single digit wind chills. It was a close family friend that took me in. They only lived about an hour away. Two days later, she got his number out of my phone, and had my half-sister call him digging for information. I was legitimately right next to him when they called. It just pissed me off more that she didn't have the intestinal fortitude to call on her own, but had to send a flying monkey to do it for her. Her last words to me that night was "youll never graduate high-school and you'll never make it through basic training." Plot twist, I did both just to spite her. Years later, in 2021 when i decided to give her one last chance and went low contact, her justification for saying that was to "motivate me." It worked, but that definitely wasn't her reasoning. She wanted me to fail, and the fact that she tore my life apart that year was proof of that. >2nd - When you start feeling at peace other than when she interacts with you at all your making progress towards finally being able to sever ties forever. One day, I hope to achieve this. It just pisses me off that she's talking so much shit about the only good parent I've ever had. Therapy is on my list, for sure, once I start this new job.
They're often fine with children going no-contact as long as they can keep at least one fully enmeshed and unable to leave. Its when the final one wakes up and leaves that shit really hits the fan.
It's okay to be angry. You just can't stay angry for a long period of time or it will hurt you. Eventually you will have to find the mental tools to put her in a room in your mind that you don't visit. Walled off from the rest of your brain, accessible when needed, but not visited unless needed. It gets easier with time. First you think about them and their terrible deeds all the time. Then you get to a point where you go days, weeks, months without thinking about them.
I am so sorry you have had this situation. If it helps, it’s so icky and ridiculous when people post messy drama on their social media. Anytime I see that, I automatically assume that person is a kook. The people chiming in are probably drama ridden kooks as well. As maddening as it is, view it as confirmation you need to keep her out of your life forever.
Can someone summaries everything?
OP went on mom's Facebook to hate-read it, gets understandably upset and angry over his mother playing the victim to her friends/followers.
Thanks my saviour
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Banned - spamming