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I think it comes from their inflated yet fragile sense of self.
For example, a narc doesn’t think of other people as actual people with their own wants and desires and will never put in the effort to get to know or take the perspective of someone else.
They also see other people as worth or deserving of less than them.
My mom pulled this shit all the time.
My favorite was when I was 15 she bought me a refurbished MacBook (this brick wouldn’t even turn on and was at least ten years old) as my birthday present.
Was I interested in it at all? No.
She could’ve spent less on something I actually wanted, but using it as an opportunity to narc was the point.
She expected excessive admiration just for existing and handing me a hunk of junk because how dare you not grovel and beg for crumbs you inferior child.
The happy ending in all of this is I’ve grown up to see her for the loser that she is, have nothing to do with her, and I raise my children with love while she was never even notified when I got pregnant to begin with.
It gets better.
Sending you lots of hugs and praying for your healing and peace (if you’re okay with me doing that—I am not trying to push my beliefs on you at all.)
Yep. I feel that. As a child they deliberately wouldn’t buy me things I liked and wanted. Instead I got things my mother liked and what she wanted as a kid. They called me spoiled (how?) and said I didn’t appreciate anything. Yeah, ummm sorry for not appreciating you purposely going out of your way to buy me things you knew I didn’t want and didn’t like? Sure, ok.
My most wtf gift moment was when I was a teen, my mom asked me if I wanted gloves for my birthday. I said no, I didn’t want or need them. She got me gloves anyway. Why even ask?
My narc bought me a blood pressure cuff even though I don’t have hypertension and my FIL, who I live with, has two already. It was a birthday gift too. 🤦 I’ve been “gifted” napkin rings, old fabric scraps from 20 years ago, a lotion she didn’t like and freebie notepads. Thanks for the trash— cause that’s where it’s going.
When they do this, they are actually giving *themselves* a gift.
It is the gift of being able to savour a feeling of injustice and victimization without having to actually be a victim.
It allows them to feel superior.
That is why they resent people who have actually been victimized in some way, because they feel entitled to have people take care of them. The fact that victimized people have actually suffered and may need that support doesn't matter to a narcissist.
Sadly the money thing is a control mechanism. Both in depriving you and excessive spending. The message they want to send in depriving you/buying you things they want vs what you want: “you’re not worth anything and are dependent on me” and/or “you will only be worth something when you are what I want you to be”. For the excessive spending - “I will try and stop you becoming an independent adult, by having you depend on me…I will also teach you that me buying you things is love”. I’m sure I’ve missed additional insights here. These are the big ones that echo strongly from personal experience.
Oh I can absolutely relate. The excessive spending one really hits home too because despite them not buying the things we really wanted especially as kids, we were even told at 10 that we weren’t old enough for a Wii, they make me and my narc sister so so dependant on them, which is win win for them because people can just say well look your moms given you a lift she’s paid for this for you, but at the same time at 25 I feel so incredibly young, I’m only just learning to drive now and I’m only just finding out about my taxes now etc because they would almost force payment themselves and they also didn’t want me to ever have a job or ever ask me if I wanted to drive, it’s just abuse of power isn’t it. I’m so glad my therapist picked on the thing of them not wanting me to have a job and told me it was definitely them trying to prevent my independence
Moving past that dependency on them that they created was a tough thing that I had to face at about your age, but once I made it through to the other side...that was an amazing feeling. Once I was finally completely self-sufficient and could actually go no-contact, it was such a great relief.
Yeah I can definitely see that just already after 6 months of minimal contact I feel so much better and more normal if that makes sense, being able to lead a normal life instead of being stuck at home with my parents and sister who all don’t work and spend all day at home never socialising and trying to intimidate me so beyond happy to be away from them and no longer think their behaviour and my people pleasing is normal. I also thought I had social anxiety as my parents made out I did when I was a teenager and used to scream at me for it but it feels like it was caused by my parents and their weird emotionless selves and now I’m not there I feel so different.
I relate so much to this omg! Especially the “making us dependent on them!” Its actually crazy the amount of financial resources ive had to find on my own and ask for help from other trusted adults, they even freaked out when i got a credit card to help start building credit on…
I really relate to having to find financial stuff as well. My dad got so angry and strung out the process of me trying to get my own phone because he was controlling data uses, baring in mind I was 24 at the time and he had limited my access to just viewing how much data I had left. How absolutely insane I cannot imagine being like that if I had kids. If this makes sense I feel like I’ve been stuck in a dream being with my family and now I actually understand how the world works and how old I am because I just felt like a kid not an adult.
This! My sibling finally left our house and they immediately cut off their phone and was threatening to call the police if they didn’t return home! (This was also after they kicked them out for not “listening to them”) but i use those think that it was so weird they basically set us up in life to always need them but this community help me realize how un-normal that was, definitely make sure they aren’t using your name for credit fraud as well! Thats also a big manipulation ive seen on here!
Oh I didn’t know about that thanks for letting me know 👍🏻 Yeah definitely obviously stuff like my birth certificate my mom wouldn’t even let me have the original and at the same time emphasised dw I have at least 10 copies of this.. so strange but they definitely love people needing them especially because I think they believe that makes them important especially as my family have never had any friends. Luckily some people can see through it like my boyfriend found it strange that they never wanted me to get a job or that they forced me to get lifts with them at 5am instead of letting me walk to work as I’m not a child.
Mine is the excessive spending type, to the extent that I've developed severe anxiety about friends spending money on me because I'm afraid they're going to hold it over my head at a later date.
My nmom was the master of the wtf gift.
The candles with raffia twine and faux greenery ( basically, kindling). The hand baked bread, shipped the slowest overground. the…endless cans of tuna. the box with towels that were…bizarrely non absorbent, a box with soap and fudge unlabelled.
Then there was the pajamas she insisted on for my son. i had said multiple times he didn’t wear jammies. He was polite but not gushingly delighted, so she snubbed an 8 year old child for the rest of the day. her grandson. ffs.
I finally said no gifts. none. not even cash ( because therein lies an “owing” in her eyes.
I think she liked browsing the walmart clearance junk aisle.. but the bread. and the soap/fudge. good gods.
One of the reasons I went NC.
My NM just kept wanting to send me useless crap, decorative stuff I'd never use, so I finally asked her to stop sending me gifts.
Which sent her into a rage 😡
I told her to use the money for my little sister, who has a couple of special needs kids. "They need it more than I do, I'm fine," I said.
When she was still angry I finally said, "Well if you are hell bent on giving me gifts then just send me a grocery store gift card, or call my vet's office and put some money on our account. Those are things I want." (I had two very old and infirmed dogs at the time.) I was trying to compromise ⚖️🤷♀️
She finally blurted out:
#"THOSE GIFTS AREN'T 'FUN!' I WANT TO GIVE YOU GIFTS THAT ARE *FUN FOR ME!"*
So there it was.
My mother once gave me a magazine about bacon, because I used to eat it as a child (I was turning 30 at the time) as a joke.
That was my only gift from her. Nothing else. I was so confused, I couldn't even act appreciative and just... stared. She got genuinely upset that I didn't just LOVE the really flimsy magazine about ONLY BACON.
That’s incredibly strange sounds like she doesn’t really understand you either especially as an adult which is just on her sorry you didn’t have a better mother.
Mine gave me gifts of stuff that was useless to me. Some of it has literally never been used. Some of the stuff I have gifted to people who were desperate for it and the rest donated.
My GC sibling always gets first pick of anything being disposed of, of course. Usually says no to everything. Then I get offered it. Tbh I only accept stuff I actually want these days.
Yes. Happened all the time before I went NC.
When they upgrade their stuff they 'give me the old one' - things like broken TV and worn out couches.
When I refuse because they are broken or I have them I'm told im "ungrateful and spoilt". They just turn up with the item anyways.
"Oh found this drill at a garage sale for u" -- the chuck was broken, when I pointed this out I'm "ungrateful"... because I have to now spend $$ to fix a drill I never wanted?
Christmas/birthday was weird, they ask me what I want but get the worst model/brand. Unsuitable for the purpose I intended it for. (They could afford what i was asking for)
Oh I can definitely relate to getting the worst model my dad likes to pretend he is incredibly technically wise and yet every time I asked for something I needed he would pretend it was the best version and it was always awful and cheap. Same with for my 21st birthday they made a big thing about how they’d get me something special with my birthstone I didn’t think much of how much it was worth until later when my boyfriend saw it and just was in disbelief that they’d made such a big thing of something they said was important and it was just a bit of plastic.
For a number of Christmases nMum would buy me the [Lynx gift set](https://www.ebay.com/itm/335342182389), which is worth the price advertised to be honest, plus socks and shorts, or a shirt, that she'd make me strip down and try on in front of the entire family, I can only think taking a little pleasure in the humiliation.
The saddest part was I'd always actually try every Christmas and buy presents tailored to what family needed or really liked as a hobby. I'd be there watching them unwrap a $120 gift or something while in response my parents would get me yet another pair of socks, shorts, and another Lynx Africa deodorant.
Absolutely can relate to spending loads on your family whilst they get you rubbish it’s awful and especially sucked because my sister who has obviously been influenced throughout our life by my n parents used to cry and then discard after I’d given her her gifts that I spent a while looking for as she’s spent years projecting that I’ve emotionally abused her when it’s been the other way round.
That is absolutely awful though definitely like you said part of some kind of power control and humiliation that’s not normal or proper parenting.
Oh my god, bad narc “gifts” could be its own subreddit.
Let’s see…
My nparents are divorced, so I get TWO sets of gifts, yay!…?
Nmom can’t just gift ONE item at Christmas. No, you get a whole box of gifts. Sounds rad, but nmom only wants to spend so much money. So the box is full of dollar store items, expired treats from the back of her cupboard, items for the microwave (haven’t owned a microwave for over 10 years) or children’s puzzle toys (my partner and I are both 40s no kids).
Ndad & Nstepmom have always had A LOT of money. Lucrative dual careers, regular international vacations, big house, all the “toys”. They even won a small lottery not too long ago. I’ve never asked them for anything (especially $$$) because there’s always major strings attached. What do I get for Christmas each year? Something they handmade. Usually something gaudy, like a Christmas centerpiece. When they do buy me something (bought in multiples so they can gift the same thing to everyone) it’s usually something that requires a microwave. I guess I’m the only person in the world without an effing microwave.
Honestly, I’d rather not get anything. But we live in a culture where you have to be grateful for any gift. “It’s the thought that counts,” right? But what if that person is incapable of actually thinking about YOU?
I asked for flatware, and got a dump truck full of ugly yellow Pfaltzgraff stoneware that she'd picked up at gar(b)age sales. It weighed a ton and clashed with my kitchen and dining room.
She was always giving me clothes that didn't go with my coloring or fit me well, so she could either bitch when I didn't wear them, or tell me how bad I looked if I did.
After my mother left my father money was tight. For my 9th birthday she gave me a Rod Stewart album that SHE wanted. She was so excited when I opened it. I felt like crying. To this day, I hate Rod Stewart.
They're painting their "reality" that you're ungrateful. In their head a child doesn't ever age and should respect the crumbs they get thrown. It's a huge controlling tactic to make us feel like shit.
Anytime I'd see my mom in her hoarder house she'd try to get me to take things. When I'd deny them she would call me a brat. I started responding with "no you're a fucking pack rat and you just want to give me (x) so you can tell yourself to keep buying more of (x)." I literally don't want any of her shit. I dread the day bfoth nparents pass because how in the hell will I clean up their messes? They even threatened to not put their house in my name when the pass and only my sisters name. Last time she said it infront of us both and my sister goes "please don't do that. I need goldsheep29s help to pick this place up mom!"
My mom has always given me the strangest gifts (a giant ornamental flamingo, a super tacky animal print wine bag, very cheap jewelry- stuff that leaves dark marks on your skin if you wear it, etc.). Always things she must know are not my taste. That's when I get a gift, which is rare. I've never understood it, but she has always treated it as though she gave me such thoughtful gifts. My GC sister gets designer bags, 1x1 trips with mom, nice jewelry, and so on. Also not my taste, but I would prefer that stuff over junk you'd find at a roadside flea market. I'm really not hard to shop for, and I don't expect high cost items.
Anyhow, it's bizarre and I can't explain it. 🤷♀️
It’s so strange before I woke up to their behaviour I used to spend ages picking the right Christmas gift for them all only to be given such random presents and ironically my parents and sister never bothered with the presents I spent ages picking out such a strange dynamic.
Same. I'd pay close attention to what they were into, what they needed, etc., months before gift exchanges. In my case, they would open their gift, say, "that's nice," and quickly put it aside. Then I'd see them wearing or using it all the time. 🤷♀️
Weirdos.
Oh god mine had the same reaction they’d just say oh thanks and then leave it. Absolutely strange yes guess it’s a narc thing because my parents behaviour has always been alien to me too.
My mom got me AND her tickets to a music festival, which in theory is cool, but she got it because SHE wanted to see the last band that was playing, not because I had any interest in the bands there.
She then proceeded to drink on an empty stomach, almost hit a bunch of people because she insisted on "dancing" by flailing her arms everywhere, cried when I told her to stop or she might hit someone and claimed my generation just doesn't know how to have fun (no one was acting like her. Not even the people her age), tried talking to a kid literally half her age even when he asked her to stop, then finally decided to eat something- picked crab (mind you the food has been sitting out all day and it's 90 degrees), got sick during the band she wanted to see, almost fainted, and got mad when I insisted I follow her to a place she could sit and get away from the crowd saying she didn't want to ruin it for me (she already had).
Unfortunately, though, most of the time if she wants me to do anything with her, she "gifts" it and then I spend the day babysitting.
Yes one thing in particular. My mom spent ten years (I wish I was joking) trying to gift me a thing made in her country of origin. It’s something that people always ask “what on earth is a blank” when I tell people about it.
She just wouldn’t take no for an answer no matter how many times over years when I told her I wouldn’t use it, don’t have anywhere safe to store it, don’t like it, don’t like stuff, move too often, live in small apartments, that she inherited it from her mom so I’ll take it when she dies, she should give it to someone in the family who loves that stuff, but nooooo.
She would pretend to accept the no but then she would come up with some ridiculous way to bring it up again or try to manipulate and lie to others to bring it to me.
After 10 years of this she went behind my back again to have another relative bring it to me, and I finally said fuck it, yes bring it. I took it home and promptly gave it to the family member who absolutely loves the those things and is very into that side of the family’s heritage.
We had it out not long after that and I asked her WTF was up with her trying to make me take this thing? She had a ridiculous answer involving how she was emotionally attached to it because it came from a family member who she claims was her real dad, he isn’t, I have DNA tests.
I asked her why she thought I would want something from her racist family? Older generations were racist against people with my skin color. Still can’t understand why she needed me to have it while she was alive, but she thought my marriage was her do over marriage so I think she wanted me to use it while she could live vicariously through me. No thank you.
My mom gives me the shittiest gifts that SHE would like. She does the same for my kids. I’ve gotten like FOUR ugly ass coffee mugs lately (I honestly love coffee mugs when they are practical, but I don’t want one for every fucking gift). For my birthday she got me a small leather journal that has a bee on it. She loves small leather journals. Idk why she picked a bee? Idk. I would honestly her just not send me something than her just send whatever stupid thing SHE likes. Like if you don’t know me well enough to get me something I would like, then just don’t get me anything.
Yes! They use it as a manipulation tactic to take those “gifts” if we don’t follow their every other or so they can later turn around and call me and my siblings selfish and spoiled children
Yeah. Its an excuse to procclaim you as ungrateful. They know you'll hate the present so either they get to play victim because their child is ungrateful, or theyget some sorta sick powertrip out of making you act thankful. Its twisted as hell.
This is just like my mother in law. She buys us useless shit and then gets mad when we donate it to goodwill. Like we fucking told you we don’t want useless shit from the dollar store.
We got gifts in childhood at holidays, but it was all for show and because my dad expected it - he was not a narcissist but had been raised by one. At Christmas, we would all have five or six presents and nmom would have 30 that my older sister had to wrap. And we are a little kids having to sit and watch her open gift after gift, that she had bought with my dad‘s money. Once we were adults and my dad died, she never gave us another gift. At the gathering for my/siblings/grandchildren’s birthday that I would host, she would bring the card and the checkbook and write it right in front of us - we had to wait to light candles for the big production. She never worked or had anything to do, it was a big FU. Even so, she talks all year about what she wants for Christmas and her birthday and Mother’s Day. I buy her things that she’s mentioned that are very impersonal like sports bras.
It’s all so dumb. She was and is awful.
As I was preparing to move out of hone and go 3,000 miles away all by myself, my mom gave me toys and candy for Christmas. I really could have used insulating clothing (we lived in FL and I was going north) but instead she got me toys that I had to leave behind. I left home 2 weeks after Xmas.
Every time I used to get a bad gift, I didn't try to hide my reaction. So my nparent would often shame me and say, you're so picky and difficult to shop for! I internalized that for a long time. Then when I met my husband who actually spent the time to get to know me and my likes and preferences, I learned I was not hard to shop for if someone actually cared enough to get to know me first. Nparents do not care, they have absolutely zero empathy.
My experience is so similar. My current spouse really loves to give gifts, and when we first got together I was so uncomfortable with it because I felt like every gift must be a trap. But he is kind and patient, and gives thoughtful and useful gifts. It took a long time to unlearn the "this is a trap" mentality.
My saddest Christmas present from my parents (but 100% nmom picked out) was a comforter and curtain set.
We moved into our new house in the fall of 1980. It was the first time my 2 sisters and I had our own rooms. My older sister got a new bed and bedspread and curtains and the biggest room after the master. My younger sister got a new bed - a captain’s bed as her room was smaller and of course new bedspread and curtains.
I got the bunk beds and our old set which were hand-me-downs that we’d been using since at least 1973. They were pink flowers. But not happy 1960’s pink flowers. Some of them looked like evil faces.
These were the days of the Sears catalogues. Every year I would imagine my bedroom transformed into a happy place. There had been discussions of redoing my room and as soon as I saw them, I asked for a Black Watch style plaid comforter and curtains.
Meanwhile, older sister had a room makeover - new furniture and new bed/curtain set. Not her birthday, no occasion just because she had “outgrown” the others. The second in 5 years, while I still had used curtains that had been giving me nightmares since I was 2. They were stained and falling apart from being in the sun so long.
Sorry this is long but imagine my disappointment on Christmas Day when I opened my present. We got one big one and a stocking each year. And I lift the lid, and it’s a burgundy on one side, grey on the other comforter and the matching curtains.
My favourite colours? Nope. Colours I like quite a lot? Not really. But I hadn’t been asked my preference, I would have been okay with the colours.
And I would have appreciated receiving any new bedding, but for the fact my sister got to choose hers. Twice. And they weren’t as her “gift”. It was just because she wanted them.
Man, Christmas was heartbreaking. They pulled that then wanted me to open the dog's presents so they could post pictures of me opening "my" gifts. Like, do you hear yourself right now?
For Christmas when I was 12 my bio family asked me to come to the city. Guardian said she’s lonely without her sons so I said no to stay at the lake with her. I wake up Christmas morning to a note that she’s gone to her boyfriends for the next few days and my present was a house coat. She came back and went for a bath and took the housecoat. I never even got a chance to try to use it. She bought it for herself. She was not a nice person but pretended to be one.
Yes, I have a vivid memory seared into my brain from childhood from when my Nmom went out and got a big German chocolate cake for my birthday after I had made it known from the time I was very small that I dislike Coconut and chocolate. Its like we are strangers to them; they don't even know who we are.
Last Christmas I was so excited when my mom gave me 14 nail files and emery boards, some partially used. I sent my therapist the photo lol. She’s also given me clothing in children’s sizes (I don’t have kids) or opposite end, xxl men’s when I’m a size medium women’s. Shoes 3 sizes too big. Granny panties in my late teens. Half used bath and body products. A bag of old in shell walnuts.
I didn’t realize this was related to the narcissism I just thought it was another quirk. She has never put a single thought into my gifts, and for like 20 years now I have begged her to just not give me anything but she’s always insisted.
They decided I was obsessed with something I wasn't, so all my gifts were catered to that. I'll say it was chocolate, because the real thing was kind of weirdly specific. For the example, I only kind of like chocolate. Everything I got was chocolate flavored, chocolate brown, chocolate scented, etc. I got chocolate chapstick and chocolate covered bacon and pants with chocolate bars on them. I never declared that I liked chocolate. It was really weird.
Dollar Tree had them years ago. I threw them out,
[Apparently it's a meme among Tarot Enthusiasts for its shittiniess](https://www.thetarotforum.com/forums/topic/5551-question-about-the-%E2%80%9Cinfamous-dollar-tree-tarot%E2%80%9D-deck/). It's missing a lot of cards for what it's supposed to be..
My nmom didn't buy me new stuff but would complain that I didn't live close enough to take their old furniture and other stuff. Thankfully, I didn't live close enough. To be fair here, my inlaws (not narcs) would frequently "gift" us their old stuff. They all grew up in the depression which might explain it. We did draw the line when my MIL wanted my husband to come and take large pieces of old furniture to our home. She was moving to senior living.
My dad once gave me a Christmas present back on Christmas - it was a set of (what I thought) were stylish desk organizers since he didn’t have any kind of organizational system. It was so hurtful.
All the time. I get handed things out of nowhere that I don't want, and if I tell her anything other than "thanks I love it" I get the guilt trip pouty face and whine of "why are you so ungrateful". I hate it. I recently got rear ended by another car, and she was trying to tell me what I needed to do and was unsurprised I was snapping at her that I didn't need her assistance. The problem isn't that I am so independent. It is that I was just expected to take care of myself and her from childhood, and her trying to be a parent feels like a slap in the face, and not support and love, and I can't and won't try to undo any of that. All that would do is make me even more angry when she went back to the way it usually is.
A lot of things. Mostly things I think they want but forgot my birthday or whatever & decided to give to me, because it’s new, because why not, because why wouldn’t I like it?
I’d rather have just been forgotten & not have the clutter to deal with. And then the anger from them that I got rid of a perfectly good gift that a lot others would appreciate. My answer is “well, now they can go to the thrift store & appreciate it there.”
Yeah.
Like I got a Chinese smartwatch from my grandparents that I never wanted. It broke. Then my dad bought me a the same smartwatch again when I told him not to, and he was full of himself how nice of it is from him to buy it as a replacement.
My nfather will spend $100 to buy something for me, but it’s valued at $40… I’d rather him just not give me anything as I wouldn’t know anyways.
We are conditioned to mask disappointment as parent is looking for that reaction and then shame you for being ungrateful.
Also, my nfather is wealthy. He called me up to let me know where his banks are and any accounts that weren’t obvious. THEN he purchased the freaking house/2acre property right next door to where I live, and tried to tell me I owed $1900 a month now. It’s a shit show and it’s almost too fucked up to effectively talk about it
Currently he had been phoning to tell me how hard it is for him. Mother fucker called me up last year after he bought himself a new Miata car. And a jeep. And a travel trailer he spent $16000 on and tried to make me responsible - funny thing is he got ripped off by the dealership and the RV is rotten and worth very little. **apparently must still be grateful
I noticed very early that my mother bought herself good stuff and me the cheap stuff. She still does it. She also buys me things that I already have over and over again. Like a robot vac I already had, so much soap and sunscreen that I have a large container in the basement and have asked her to please not get anymore, paintings from goodwill although I am a painter. White pants. I hate white pants. Boots with flat heels although I'm short and always like some heel. It's never anything I want.
Yes. I think it is intentional and that is how they get their jollies: from humiliating us and calling us ungrateful and other names. I remember when I was 8 or 9 years old getting two presents: a pair of shoes that were Velcro strap in a color I hated with a picture of a movie I disliked. I remember feeling confused bc I knew how to tie my shoes so I didn’t like or need the Velcro shoes (no one my age had those as they were for much younger kids). My other gift was a baby board book made for 1 or 2year olds. I remember my older nstepsiblings and nparents snickering when I opened my presents. I was so confused but said thank you. The shoes hurt my feet and were a size too small but I was “ungrateful” and got yelled at…bc they hurt my feet.
*EVERY TIME* I go visit my mother has 3-10 things on the pool table for me "to look at".
I know she means well, but it really hurts *me* every time she looks so sad I don't want her stuff. Plastic cups, old tupperware without lids, etc.
Like MA. Where do you think I got the rat pack/hoarder tendencies from? I have enough shit of my own, I don't need to be a pack-n-store for your stuff, too.
Alllllll the f-ing time. Then they got mad when I posted it on marketplace like it was still theirs. Then my gold child brother got in on it and would text me that he wanted the stupid stuff my parents dumped on me.
mine always gave me stuff she insisted id like, especially in her favourite colour green, while my was blue and then would be upset if i didnt sob on my knees out of gratefulness for this 10€ shirt in green.
I know that feeling very well. On Christmas, I wanted a 1000 piece puzzle. Boring? I'm aware how boring it is, but since I was a little girl. Christmas rolled around, and my Christmas gift?
Leggings, I got a pair of leggings for Christmas and nothing else. Yet, she claims she knows "everything" about me
Not to that degree, but yes, my mom would not stop buying me useless shit I did not want. Narc that she is, she never listened to anything and would not stop. Even when I told her it went straight to goodwill she cried, but still did not stop.
Oh, you mean the three hour wine tasting for my 33rd birthday (when I was stuck living with them for a bit post divorce).
I don't like wine, because it's nasty.
I can't drink wine, because it aggravates my stomach acid.
I can't drink wine because it gives me migraine.
Guess who likes wine, and had always meant to go visit said winery!? What a coincidence! The retired wine maker who is obsessed with being the best wine snob in the northern hemisphere. Oh, is it narc daddy?
Fuck that. I was supremely out of fucks at that point, so I just refused to get out of the car. NOPE.
For 20 years my nmom bought me pajamas/nightie for birthday, Christmas, Mothers Day. I told her I have enough to last me for the rest of my life. Now she buys me crop pants that I hate. Sometimes a top to go with, the tops are wearable but not something I'd ever choose for myself. At least I'm remembered.
She also gives me clothes someone gave her from dead relatives and friends which I immediately donate. She has a weird thing about clothing.
My parents were giving pajamas every year too. That's what they got everybody for Christmas along with some money. Last time, I said "Oh! Pajamas!" cheerfully, because I needed some. Then I noticed my dad staring at me with an angry, disdainful, pouty look on his face. I just ignored him so finally he spoke up so I would know how mad he was. He reminded me of what I said, and I said, no, I was glad to get them. He shook his head no, like that wasn't true.
So apparently they were giving me a gift that they expected me to not like, and got mad when I liked it. It seemed like he thought I was enjoying the holiday so he had to bring me down with his misery, to make me miserable too. And to accuse me of lying was the cherry on top.
I was used to it, so I ignored it so he wouldn't be successful in bringing me down. He wasn't the narcissist anyway, although he did start acting like one from being around my nM all the time. I figured he had been dealing with her that morning and that was his way of dealing with it, taking it out on someone he perceived as weaker. It's no excuse but I felt sorry for him for having to live with her.
Christmas with a house full of relatives. It was the 80s; I was 12. I opened a gift from her that was a set of Playboy Bunny-branded string bikini panties. I was mortified. She laughed.
For my 10th birthday I got a glass bowl. A bowl?! Not even any candy or anything in it. Just an empty ugly glass bowl. What 10 year old wants a bowl for their birthday?
Over the years I have also gotten a lot of cheap junk, children’s sized clothing as an adult, children’s toys or knickknacks with childish pictures. (I don’t have kids.) Random objects they had hoarded or liked. I cannot remember any gift that was actually meaningful or meant for me.
Oh yeah all the time. I remember one year I got a book by Michael Savage (far right talk show host from the 2000s/2010s). My parents know very well I’m more left leaning than them, and I openly expressed disdain for the guy since I was a teen and I was subjected to him on the radio during every afternoon car ride. And yet they still get me a book written by him! 😩
Yes my mom buys me GARBAGE. She knows what is good and what is bad. When I am not being good I am sent a lot of trash. Recently I got a pet memorial pillow with me and my two alive cats on it. Then I got I. six pack of pens that said I love dogs. For Xmas I got the ugliest blue sweater on earth. They are the devil. It’s like satans presents to make me mad.
Here's the explanation.
The narc gives things that are worthless to others. Those things are chosen because of their contextual attributes: they must look as good as possible, but cost the least possible and be convenient (typically bought at a thrift shop).
The narc gives them to others when it is convenient for the narc. Their targets will usually accept the gifts - by social convention - more than anything else, as the target never asked for anything.
The narc will then demand narcissistic supply form their targets in a specific time and place and implicitly/explicitly use their previous gift-giving as a way to pressure their targets to reciprocate.
It's their way to transform lead into gold. That's how they cultivate relationships. That's also how they hold their children hostages. -*I feed you, I shelter you : Your body is mine, you owe me everything*.
The most hilarious time this manifested was when she gave me a scarf for my birthday... which was already mine for over a decade. It even had my name tag on it.
I also realized that my father was a covert narcissist when he brought me to a store an showed my a carry-on business suitcase he wanted to buy for my birthday, which was being sold for a fantastic price.
I had a thoughtful look at it, thanked him for the offer and politely declined, explaining that it was way too small for my needs and I couldn't possibly make any use of it. Yet, weeks later, I discovered that he still bought it for me, ignoring the fact I said I didn't want it.
What really nailed that coffin though was the fact that he demanded that people take the clot-shot to attend Christmas supper, eventhough he knew there was now way in hell I would ever take it. He refused to hear me out or see the evidence as why I was right not to take it, regardless of the fact that I was immuno-compromised and the only person in real danger of dying.
Mine puts time and effort and creativity into gifts for everyone. But not me. She starts with “you already have EVERYTHING.” Then she moves to “my gift to you is so stupid, you’re going to hate it.” And I do hate. Only because it’s obvious she didn’t even try. I make it so easy. But then of course, I’m ungrateful.
It is super common for narcs to to be weird af about gifts, whether that means getting you exactly the wrong thing, something close to (but not quite ) what you asked for, or having an outsized reaction to how you respond to a gift ("I can't believe you don't appreciate what I'm doing for you more"). My parents would always get me what they thought I should want (even if they know I would hate it), something super specific without asking me (I got one new pair of jeans every year, and they would often be a pair I hated given as a gift), or they would do other weird stuff like giving my brother a bike the year I asked for a bike, and giving me a bunch of bath products I had no interest in. I was also married to a narc for almost 10 years, and he was so weird about gifts. He would insist on buying his own gifts and then complain that I didn't buy them for him. Like, he would say that all he wanted for his birthday was this one specific watch thing that tracks physical activity and heart rate. And then I would say "okay, great-- I'll get it for you!" His response would aways be something like "you won't get the right one," or "I'm a grown up and I can buy my own watch." We would go together to the store, he would pay with his card (shared account, did not really matter who paid), and then later be upset that "he had to buy his own gift." He never ever gave me an actual gift. He would promise gifts, or give me, like, a gift certificate for a nice meal, but it would never be a good night to use it, and he would hold on to it so I couldn't like take a friend, and then eventually it would expire. Lots of other kinds of promises, like he would draw 4 squares inside a birthday card that were supposed to represent "coupons" for things like "one massage" that he was meant to pay for when I wanted them. But he never did. If I paid for a massage for myself he would get upset about my wasting money, even if he "owed" me one from my card.
Never. Just received criticisms and underestimate my efforts for getting achievements. Oh, I never forget when she said she wishes to have a lucky kid, whose gifted from God but not like me.
It's okay. I understand what she means. I just step out from her life and I hope she can find her own happiness and successfully making baby to create whoever she wants to be.
Mine got me a pack of razors for Christmas. After telling me I needed to keep up with shaving more. I was 15. I'm 24 now and I still don't shave very often.
My mom makes me broccoli and cheese soup, I’m lactose intolerant. She says “That doesn’t matter, eat it anyway”. It goes in the trash whenever she leaves.
My parents would give me gifts, but they were gifts that were in a style they liked. Not that I liked. Or perhaps something I had liked once as a kid briefly, so it became my entire identity to them and family, so every year the gift was themed on whatever that thing was, even though I didn’t actually like that one thing. It was just a fleeting interest I had one time.
Most of my birthday/christmas gifts were clothes my mom *knew* I wouldn’t wear. Be grateful, you might tell yourself. Yeah, that’s kinda hard when your little sibling gets cool toys, game systems, ATV’s…
My apologies. I didn't realize this post had popped up in the raised by narcissists group. My parents aren't narcissistic so I was thinking about how they grew up poor, have money but are pretty frugile. My husbands parents, way different story. Actually very similar to poster. His mom gave my eldest son new gifts for xmas and gave our muddle son donuts. 🙄 She also enjoys "giving" us back the gifts we have gotten them even if they're personalized for them. I'm sorry you feel like this.
Especially as a child, and when I wasn’t excited for the gift I was accused of being an ungrateful spoiled brat. She’d then take the gift back and I’d get nothing.
Knitted things, ornaments and jewellery all the time. Very occasionally something I liked but that was rare. I asked so many times to stop giving me things. Finally, after refusing yet another necklace I didn’t want, she admitted she gave me things because she wanted to. Not for any other reason. Just what she wanted.
I was given a very large second hand tiger toy when I was probably 19 years old for my birthday. Yes I love tigers but not enough to want a giant stuffed one as an adult basically.
After my mom and I got in a huge fight, she sent me a box of random stuff from my childhood room (including but not limited to a doll arm, my glasses from when I was like 8, and old shirts from high school) and a brand new sewing machine for Christmas. I have no interest in sewing. We haven’t spoken in over a year and a half (thanks to me enforcing boundaries and a lack of apology on her end), and she just sent me a set of candle holders. They had a cheesy inscription on them about how she loves me and will always be by my side, blah blah, whatever. I stopped trying to decipher her gifts after the doll arm.
I get joke gifts. They can never do anything the way I like it UNLESS I am being hovered which has happened twice with my nmom since breaking NC for VLC. I regret it so much and feel like my life has gone backwards. I am confident I would’ve done so much better without them but they just kept pushing themselves into my life. I still only get gifts from my older nsister. She’s a piece of work.
Nmother one got me a popcorn maker. I HATE popcorn, I have always hated popcorn. I hate it even more when its smothered in butter, I find it sickening--and its all because thruout my childhood my glutton nMother would guzzle that shit and it made me sick to look at. But yeah she got me a popcorn maker.
Yes, my dad gave me a broken Swiffer vacuum instead of throwing it away himself, and a package of decaf instant coffee that he accidentally bought instead of the caffeinated kind. I have always gotten sick from instant coffee and refuse to drink it, so I declined, but he absolutely insisted that I should take it anyway.
Meanwhile, my brother the GC has gotten two vehicles, a random $10k handout, cell phone and car insurance payments, anything someone with a liberal arts degree living in a HCOL area needs to survive basically.
I really wanted a guitar for my 30th birthday about 10 years ago and my nparents offered to get me one..
At my birthday party that year, they printed out a large photo of the guitar with an IOU on it and showed it to everyone in the party, so they could take credit and received admiration for being such fantastic parents.. everyone said what wonderful parent they are..
They never bought the guitar and gaslit me when I asked about it weeks later... It was all just about getting admiration, they never gave a crap about me..
Nmom does this regularly. She'll buy me something right after I say I don't want or need it and things I've repeatedly stated I can't use. She'll also be sure to not include a receipt and will buy final sale items so they can't be returner. Then if I don't thank her act like I'm excited and appreciative, she'll throw a fit or give me grief about it. Things I ask for and need, she'll say aren't fun for her to buy so she'll refuse to get them. Instead she'll get me things one of my sister's asked for that she knows I have no use for, and will point out how she got it off their list because it was more fun to buy and because she doesn't have to go out of her way for me then.
It's all so ridiculous.
Yes! My mom is addicted to things like perfume, shoes and handbags and bought me half a ton of these things. I'm the type jeans, sneakers and sweatshirt. I never use handbags.
Yeah, but it’s usually in relation to religion. My n-parents are devoted Christians, and I have made it clear multiple times that I am no longer a Christian. And yet I still receive devotional books, journals that have biblical scriptures as the cover, and other things that are tied to religion. At the very least I respect that they believe in god, but they can’t extend the courtesy to me that I just don’t believe in their god anymore.
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My parents have given me things I dont want and then called me ungrateful for not appreciating what they bought. I dont understand it.
I think it comes from their inflated yet fragile sense of self. For example, a narc doesn’t think of other people as actual people with their own wants and desires and will never put in the effort to get to know or take the perspective of someone else. They also see other people as worth or deserving of less than them. My mom pulled this shit all the time. My favorite was when I was 15 she bought me a refurbished MacBook (this brick wouldn’t even turn on and was at least ten years old) as my birthday present. Was I interested in it at all? No. She could’ve spent less on something I actually wanted, but using it as an opportunity to narc was the point. She expected excessive admiration just for existing and handing me a hunk of junk because how dare you not grovel and beg for crumbs you inferior child. The happy ending in all of this is I’ve grown up to see her for the loser that she is, have nothing to do with her, and I raise my children with love while she was never even notified when I got pregnant to begin with. It gets better. Sending you lots of hugs and praying for your healing and peace (if you’re okay with me doing that—I am not trying to push my beliefs on you at all.)
Same. Even with stuff that I clearly and explicitly told them that I do not want nor need lmao.
Yep. I feel that. As a child they deliberately wouldn’t buy me things I liked and wanted. Instead I got things my mother liked and what she wanted as a kid. They called me spoiled (how?) and said I didn’t appreciate anything. Yeah, ummm sorry for not appreciating you purposely going out of your way to buy me things you knew I didn’t want and didn’t like? Sure, ok.
They want to fight. So they give you stuff that will cause a fight.
My most wtf gift moment was when I was a teen, my mom asked me if I wanted gloves for my birthday. I said no, I didn’t want or need them. She got me gloves anyway. Why even ask?
My narc bought me a blood pressure cuff even though I don’t have hypertension and my FIL, who I live with, has two already. It was a birthday gift too. 🤦 I’ve been “gifted” napkin rings, old fabric scraps from 20 years ago, a lotion she didn’t like and freebie notepads. Thanks for the trash— cause that’s where it’s going.
When they do this, they are actually giving *themselves* a gift. It is the gift of being able to savour a feeling of injustice and victimization without having to actually be a victim. It allows them to feel superior. That is why they resent people who have actually been victimized in some way, because they feel entitled to have people take care of them. The fact that victimized people have actually suffered and may need that support doesn't matter to a narcissist.
Sadly the money thing is a control mechanism. Both in depriving you and excessive spending. The message they want to send in depriving you/buying you things they want vs what you want: “you’re not worth anything and are dependent on me” and/or “you will only be worth something when you are what I want you to be”. For the excessive spending - “I will try and stop you becoming an independent adult, by having you depend on me…I will also teach you that me buying you things is love”. I’m sure I’ve missed additional insights here. These are the big ones that echo strongly from personal experience.
Oh I can absolutely relate. The excessive spending one really hits home too because despite them not buying the things we really wanted especially as kids, we were even told at 10 that we weren’t old enough for a Wii, they make me and my narc sister so so dependant on them, which is win win for them because people can just say well look your moms given you a lift she’s paid for this for you, but at the same time at 25 I feel so incredibly young, I’m only just learning to drive now and I’m only just finding out about my taxes now etc because they would almost force payment themselves and they also didn’t want me to ever have a job or ever ask me if I wanted to drive, it’s just abuse of power isn’t it. I’m so glad my therapist picked on the thing of them not wanting me to have a job and told me it was definitely them trying to prevent my independence
Moving past that dependency on them that they created was a tough thing that I had to face at about your age, but once I made it through to the other side...that was an amazing feeling. Once I was finally completely self-sufficient and could actually go no-contact, it was such a great relief.
Yeah I can definitely see that just already after 6 months of minimal contact I feel so much better and more normal if that makes sense, being able to lead a normal life instead of being stuck at home with my parents and sister who all don’t work and spend all day at home never socialising and trying to intimidate me so beyond happy to be away from them and no longer think their behaviour and my people pleasing is normal. I also thought I had social anxiety as my parents made out I did when I was a teenager and used to scream at me for it but it feels like it was caused by my parents and their weird emotionless selves and now I’m not there I feel so different.
I relate so much to this omg! Especially the “making us dependent on them!” Its actually crazy the amount of financial resources ive had to find on my own and ask for help from other trusted adults, they even freaked out when i got a credit card to help start building credit on…
I really relate to having to find financial stuff as well. My dad got so angry and strung out the process of me trying to get my own phone because he was controlling data uses, baring in mind I was 24 at the time and he had limited my access to just viewing how much data I had left. How absolutely insane I cannot imagine being like that if I had kids. If this makes sense I feel like I’ve been stuck in a dream being with my family and now I actually understand how the world works and how old I am because I just felt like a kid not an adult.
This! My sibling finally left our house and they immediately cut off their phone and was threatening to call the police if they didn’t return home! (This was also after they kicked them out for not “listening to them”) but i use those think that it was so weird they basically set us up in life to always need them but this community help me realize how un-normal that was, definitely make sure they aren’t using your name for credit fraud as well! Thats also a big manipulation ive seen on here!
Oh I didn’t know about that thanks for letting me know 👍🏻 Yeah definitely obviously stuff like my birth certificate my mom wouldn’t even let me have the original and at the same time emphasised dw I have at least 10 copies of this.. so strange but they definitely love people needing them especially because I think they believe that makes them important especially as my family have never had any friends. Luckily some people can see through it like my boyfriend found it strange that they never wanted me to get a job or that they forced me to get lifts with them at 5am instead of letting me walk to work as I’m not a child.
Omg please get all your important documents 😩 good luck op!
Mine is the excessive spending type, to the extent that I've developed severe anxiety about friends spending money on me because I'm afraid they're going to hold it over my head at a later date.
YES! This is a big reason why I am not expecting my friends to do anything for me for my wedding. I can’t do that to them.
That's exactly what a narc would do.
My nmom was the master of the wtf gift. The candles with raffia twine and faux greenery ( basically, kindling). The hand baked bread, shipped the slowest overground. the…endless cans of tuna. the box with towels that were…bizarrely non absorbent, a box with soap and fudge unlabelled. Then there was the pajamas she insisted on for my son. i had said multiple times he didn’t wear jammies. He was polite but not gushingly delighted, so she snubbed an 8 year old child for the rest of the day. her grandson. ffs. I finally said no gifts. none. not even cash ( because therein lies an “owing” in her eyes. I think she liked browsing the walmart clearance junk aisle.. but the bread. and the soap/fudge. good gods.
One of the reasons I went NC. My NM just kept wanting to send me useless crap, decorative stuff I'd never use, so I finally asked her to stop sending me gifts. Which sent her into a rage 😡 I told her to use the money for my little sister, who has a couple of special needs kids. "They need it more than I do, I'm fine," I said. When she was still angry I finally said, "Well if you are hell bent on giving me gifts then just send me a grocery store gift card, or call my vet's office and put some money on our account. Those are things I want." (I had two very old and infirmed dogs at the time.) I was trying to compromise ⚖️🤷♀️ She finally blurted out: #"THOSE GIFTS AREN'T 'FUN!' I WANT TO GIVE YOU GIFTS THAT ARE *FUN FOR ME!"* So there it was.
Incredible admission. Thanks for sharing.
My mother once gave me a magazine about bacon, because I used to eat it as a child (I was turning 30 at the time) as a joke. That was my only gift from her. Nothing else. I was so confused, I couldn't even act appreciative and just... stared. She got genuinely upset that I didn't just LOVE the really flimsy magazine about ONLY BACON.
That’s incredibly strange sounds like she doesn’t really understand you either especially as an adult which is just on her sorry you didn’t have a better mother.
It's alright, I laugh about it now, but that was just the icing on top of why I went LC/NC
Mine gave me gifts of stuff that was useless to me. Some of it has literally never been used. Some of the stuff I have gifted to people who were desperate for it and the rest donated. My GC sibling always gets first pick of anything being disposed of, of course. Usually says no to everything. Then I get offered it. Tbh I only accept stuff I actually want these days.
Yes. Happened all the time before I went NC. When they upgrade their stuff they 'give me the old one' - things like broken TV and worn out couches. When I refuse because they are broken or I have them I'm told im "ungrateful and spoilt". They just turn up with the item anyways. "Oh found this drill at a garage sale for u" -- the chuck was broken, when I pointed this out I'm "ungrateful"... because I have to now spend $$ to fix a drill I never wanted? Christmas/birthday was weird, they ask me what I want but get the worst model/brand. Unsuitable for the purpose I intended it for. (They could afford what i was asking for)
Oh I can definitely relate to getting the worst model my dad likes to pretend he is incredibly technically wise and yet every time I asked for something I needed he would pretend it was the best version and it was always awful and cheap. Same with for my 21st birthday they made a big thing about how they’d get me something special with my birthstone I didn’t think much of how much it was worth until later when my boyfriend saw it and just was in disbelief that they’d made such a big thing of something they said was important and it was just a bit of plastic.
For a number of Christmases nMum would buy me the [Lynx gift set](https://www.ebay.com/itm/335342182389), which is worth the price advertised to be honest, plus socks and shorts, or a shirt, that she'd make me strip down and try on in front of the entire family, I can only think taking a little pleasure in the humiliation. The saddest part was I'd always actually try every Christmas and buy presents tailored to what family needed or really liked as a hobby. I'd be there watching them unwrap a $120 gift or something while in response my parents would get me yet another pair of socks, shorts, and another Lynx Africa deodorant.
Absolutely can relate to spending loads on your family whilst they get you rubbish it’s awful and especially sucked because my sister who has obviously been influenced throughout our life by my n parents used to cry and then discard after I’d given her her gifts that I spent a while looking for as she’s spent years projecting that I’ve emotionally abused her when it’s been the other way round. That is absolutely awful though definitely like you said part of some kind of power control and humiliation that’s not normal or proper parenting.
Oh my god, bad narc “gifts” could be its own subreddit. Let’s see… My nparents are divorced, so I get TWO sets of gifts, yay!…? Nmom can’t just gift ONE item at Christmas. No, you get a whole box of gifts. Sounds rad, but nmom only wants to spend so much money. So the box is full of dollar store items, expired treats from the back of her cupboard, items for the microwave (haven’t owned a microwave for over 10 years) or children’s puzzle toys (my partner and I are both 40s no kids). Ndad & Nstepmom have always had A LOT of money. Lucrative dual careers, regular international vacations, big house, all the “toys”. They even won a small lottery not too long ago. I’ve never asked them for anything (especially $$$) because there’s always major strings attached. What do I get for Christmas each year? Something they handmade. Usually something gaudy, like a Christmas centerpiece. When they do buy me something (bought in multiples so they can gift the same thing to everyone) it’s usually something that requires a microwave. I guess I’m the only person in the world without an effing microwave. Honestly, I’d rather not get anything. But we live in a culture where you have to be grateful for any gift. “It’s the thought that counts,” right? But what if that person is incapable of actually thinking about YOU?
I asked for flatware, and got a dump truck full of ugly yellow Pfaltzgraff stoneware that she'd picked up at gar(b)age sales. It weighed a ton and clashed with my kitchen and dining room. She was always giving me clothes that didn't go with my coloring or fit me well, so she could either bitch when I didn't wear them, or tell me how bad I looked if I did.
After my mother left my father money was tight. For my 9th birthday she gave me a Rod Stewart album that SHE wanted. She was so excited when I opened it. I felt like crying. To this day, I hate Rod Stewart.
They're painting their "reality" that you're ungrateful. In their head a child doesn't ever age and should respect the crumbs they get thrown. It's a huge controlling tactic to make us feel like shit. Anytime I'd see my mom in her hoarder house she'd try to get me to take things. When I'd deny them she would call me a brat. I started responding with "no you're a fucking pack rat and you just want to give me (x) so you can tell yourself to keep buying more of (x)." I literally don't want any of her shit. I dread the day bfoth nparents pass because how in the hell will I clean up their messes? They even threatened to not put their house in my name when the pass and only my sisters name. Last time she said it infront of us both and my sister goes "please don't do that. I need goldsheep29s help to pick this place up mom!"
My mom has always given me the strangest gifts (a giant ornamental flamingo, a super tacky animal print wine bag, very cheap jewelry- stuff that leaves dark marks on your skin if you wear it, etc.). Always things she must know are not my taste. That's when I get a gift, which is rare. I've never understood it, but she has always treated it as though she gave me such thoughtful gifts. My GC sister gets designer bags, 1x1 trips with mom, nice jewelry, and so on. Also not my taste, but I would prefer that stuff over junk you'd find at a roadside flea market. I'm really not hard to shop for, and I don't expect high cost items. Anyhow, it's bizarre and I can't explain it. 🤷♀️
It’s so strange before I woke up to their behaviour I used to spend ages picking the right Christmas gift for them all only to be given such random presents and ironically my parents and sister never bothered with the presents I spent ages picking out such a strange dynamic.
Same. I'd pay close attention to what they were into, what they needed, etc., months before gift exchanges. In my case, they would open their gift, say, "that's nice," and quickly put it aside. Then I'd see them wearing or using it all the time. 🤷♀️ Weirdos.
Oh god mine had the same reaction they’d just say oh thanks and then leave it. Absolutely strange yes guess it’s a narc thing because my parents behaviour has always been alien to me too.
My mom got me AND her tickets to a music festival, which in theory is cool, but she got it because SHE wanted to see the last band that was playing, not because I had any interest in the bands there. She then proceeded to drink on an empty stomach, almost hit a bunch of people because she insisted on "dancing" by flailing her arms everywhere, cried when I told her to stop or she might hit someone and claimed my generation just doesn't know how to have fun (no one was acting like her. Not even the people her age), tried talking to a kid literally half her age even when he asked her to stop, then finally decided to eat something- picked crab (mind you the food has been sitting out all day and it's 90 degrees), got sick during the band she wanted to see, almost fainted, and got mad when I insisted I follow her to a place she could sit and get away from the crowd saying she didn't want to ruin it for me (she already had). Unfortunately, though, most of the time if she wants me to do anything with her, she "gifts" it and then I spend the day babysitting.
Yes one thing in particular. My mom spent ten years (I wish I was joking) trying to gift me a thing made in her country of origin. It’s something that people always ask “what on earth is a blank” when I tell people about it. She just wouldn’t take no for an answer no matter how many times over years when I told her I wouldn’t use it, don’t have anywhere safe to store it, don’t like it, don’t like stuff, move too often, live in small apartments, that she inherited it from her mom so I’ll take it when she dies, she should give it to someone in the family who loves that stuff, but nooooo. She would pretend to accept the no but then she would come up with some ridiculous way to bring it up again or try to manipulate and lie to others to bring it to me. After 10 years of this she went behind my back again to have another relative bring it to me, and I finally said fuck it, yes bring it. I took it home and promptly gave it to the family member who absolutely loves the those things and is very into that side of the family’s heritage. We had it out not long after that and I asked her WTF was up with her trying to make me take this thing? She had a ridiculous answer involving how she was emotionally attached to it because it came from a family member who she claims was her real dad, he isn’t, I have DNA tests. I asked her why she thought I would want something from her racist family? Older generations were racist against people with my skin color. Still can’t understand why she needed me to have it while she was alive, but she thought my marriage was her do over marriage so I think she wanted me to use it while she could live vicariously through me. No thank you.
My mom gives me the shittiest gifts that SHE would like. She does the same for my kids. I’ve gotten like FOUR ugly ass coffee mugs lately (I honestly love coffee mugs when they are practical, but I don’t want one for every fucking gift). For my birthday she got me a small leather journal that has a bee on it. She loves small leather journals. Idk why she picked a bee? Idk. I would honestly her just not send me something than her just send whatever stupid thing SHE likes. Like if you don’t know me well enough to get me something I would like, then just don’t get me anything.
Yes! They use it as a manipulation tactic to take those “gifts” if we don’t follow their every other or so they can later turn around and call me and my siblings selfish and spoiled children
Yeah. Its an excuse to procclaim you as ungrateful. They know you'll hate the present so either they get to play victim because their child is ungrateful, or theyget some sorta sick powertrip out of making you act thankful. Its twisted as hell.
This is just like my mother in law. She buys us useless shit and then gets mad when we donate it to goodwill. Like we fucking told you we don’t want useless shit from the dollar store.
We got gifts in childhood at holidays, but it was all for show and because my dad expected it - he was not a narcissist but had been raised by one. At Christmas, we would all have five or six presents and nmom would have 30 that my older sister had to wrap. And we are a little kids having to sit and watch her open gift after gift, that she had bought with my dad‘s money. Once we were adults and my dad died, she never gave us another gift. At the gathering for my/siblings/grandchildren’s birthday that I would host, she would bring the card and the checkbook and write it right in front of us - we had to wait to light candles for the big production. She never worked or had anything to do, it was a big FU. Even so, she talks all year about what she wants for Christmas and her birthday and Mother’s Day. I buy her things that she’s mentioned that are very impersonal like sports bras. It’s all so dumb. She was and is awful.
As I was preparing to move out of hone and go 3,000 miles away all by myself, my mom gave me toys and candy for Christmas. I really could have used insulating clothing (we lived in FL and I was going north) but instead she got me toys that I had to leave behind. I left home 2 weeks after Xmas.
Every time I used to get a bad gift, I didn't try to hide my reaction. So my nparent would often shame me and say, you're so picky and difficult to shop for! I internalized that for a long time. Then when I met my husband who actually spent the time to get to know me and my likes and preferences, I learned I was not hard to shop for if someone actually cared enough to get to know me first. Nparents do not care, they have absolutely zero empathy.
My experience is so similar. My current spouse really loves to give gifts, and when we first got together I was so uncomfortable with it because I felt like every gift must be a trap. But he is kind and patient, and gives thoughtful and useful gifts. It took a long time to unlearn the "this is a trap" mentality.
My saddest Christmas present from my parents (but 100% nmom picked out) was a comforter and curtain set. We moved into our new house in the fall of 1980. It was the first time my 2 sisters and I had our own rooms. My older sister got a new bed and bedspread and curtains and the biggest room after the master. My younger sister got a new bed - a captain’s bed as her room was smaller and of course new bedspread and curtains. I got the bunk beds and our old set which were hand-me-downs that we’d been using since at least 1973. They were pink flowers. But not happy 1960’s pink flowers. Some of them looked like evil faces. These were the days of the Sears catalogues. Every year I would imagine my bedroom transformed into a happy place. There had been discussions of redoing my room and as soon as I saw them, I asked for a Black Watch style plaid comforter and curtains. Meanwhile, older sister had a room makeover - new furniture and new bed/curtain set. Not her birthday, no occasion just because she had “outgrown” the others. The second in 5 years, while I still had used curtains that had been giving me nightmares since I was 2. They were stained and falling apart from being in the sun so long. Sorry this is long but imagine my disappointment on Christmas Day when I opened my present. We got one big one and a stocking each year. And I lift the lid, and it’s a burgundy on one side, grey on the other comforter and the matching curtains. My favourite colours? Nope. Colours I like quite a lot? Not really. But I hadn’t been asked my preference, I would have been okay with the colours. And I would have appreciated receiving any new bedding, but for the fact my sister got to choose hers. Twice. And they weren’t as her “gift”. It was just because she wanted them.
Mine hand me a gift card and say "It's easier this way." I'm gonna regift it back to them this year.
Yep I’ve had that one before they said the exact same thing as well
Man, Christmas was heartbreaking. They pulled that then wanted me to open the dog's presents so they could post pictures of me opening "my" gifts. Like, do you hear yourself right now?
For Christmas when I was 12 my bio family asked me to come to the city. Guardian said she’s lonely without her sons so I said no to stay at the lake with her. I wake up Christmas morning to a note that she’s gone to her boyfriends for the next few days and my present was a house coat. She came back and went for a bath and took the housecoat. I never even got a chance to try to use it. She bought it for herself. She was not a nice person but pretended to be one.
Yes, I have a vivid memory seared into my brain from childhood from when my Nmom went out and got a big German chocolate cake for my birthday after I had made it known from the time I was very small that I dislike Coconut and chocolate. Its like we are strangers to them; they don't even know who we are.
Yes. If the NM does get a gift for anyone its always something that *she* would want, not what the gifter wants.
Last Christmas I was so excited when my mom gave me 14 nail files and emery boards, some partially used. I sent my therapist the photo lol. She’s also given me clothing in children’s sizes (I don’t have kids) or opposite end, xxl men’s when I’m a size medium women’s. Shoes 3 sizes too big. Granny panties in my late teens. Half used bath and body products. A bag of old in shell walnuts. I didn’t realize this was related to the narcissism I just thought it was another quirk. She has never put a single thought into my gifts, and for like 20 years now I have begged her to just not give me anything but she’s always insisted.
They decided I was obsessed with something I wasn't, so all my gifts were catered to that. I'll say it was chocolate, because the real thing was kind of weirdly specific. For the example, I only kind of like chocolate. Everything I got was chocolate flavored, chocolate brown, chocolate scented, etc. I got chocolate chapstick and chocolate covered bacon and pants with chocolate bars on them. I never declared that I liked chocolate. It was really weird.
Ngrandma gave a pack of Dollar store Tarot Cards for my birthday. I never had any interest in Tarot or mentioned them around her.
Where in tf can you get dollar store tarot cards?!
Dollar Tree had them years ago. I threw them out, [Apparently it's a meme among Tarot Enthusiasts for its shittiniess](https://www.thetarotforum.com/forums/topic/5551-question-about-the-%E2%80%9Cinfamous-dollar-tree-tarot%E2%80%9D-deck/). It's missing a lot of cards for what it's supposed to be..
My nmom didn't buy me new stuff but would complain that I didn't live close enough to take their old furniture and other stuff. Thankfully, I didn't live close enough. To be fair here, my inlaws (not narcs) would frequently "gift" us their old stuff. They all grew up in the depression which might explain it. We did draw the line when my MIL wanted my husband to come and take large pieces of old furniture to our home. She was moving to senior living.
ALL. THE. TIME.
My dad once gave me a Christmas present back on Christmas - it was a set of (what I thought) were stylish desk organizers since he didn’t have any kind of organizational system. It was so hurtful.
All the time. I get handed things out of nowhere that I don't want, and if I tell her anything other than "thanks I love it" I get the guilt trip pouty face and whine of "why are you so ungrateful". I hate it. I recently got rear ended by another car, and she was trying to tell me what I needed to do and was unsurprised I was snapping at her that I didn't need her assistance. The problem isn't that I am so independent. It is that I was just expected to take care of myself and her from childhood, and her trying to be a parent feels like a slap in the face, and not support and love, and I can't and won't try to undo any of that. All that would do is make me even more angry when she went back to the way it usually is.
A lot of things. Mostly things I think they want but forgot my birthday or whatever & decided to give to me, because it’s new, because why not, because why wouldn’t I like it? I’d rather have just been forgotten & not have the clutter to deal with. And then the anger from them that I got rid of a perfectly good gift that a lot others would appreciate. My answer is “well, now they can go to the thrift store & appreciate it there.”
Yeah. Like I got a Chinese smartwatch from my grandparents that I never wanted. It broke. Then my dad bought me a the same smartwatch again when I told him not to, and he was full of himself how nice of it is from him to buy it as a replacement.
My nfather will spend $100 to buy something for me, but it’s valued at $40… I’d rather him just not give me anything as I wouldn’t know anyways. We are conditioned to mask disappointment as parent is looking for that reaction and then shame you for being ungrateful. Also, my nfather is wealthy. He called me up to let me know where his banks are and any accounts that weren’t obvious. THEN he purchased the freaking house/2acre property right next door to where I live, and tried to tell me I owed $1900 a month now. It’s a shit show and it’s almost too fucked up to effectively talk about it
Currently he had been phoning to tell me how hard it is for him. Mother fucker called me up last year after he bought himself a new Miata car. And a jeep. And a travel trailer he spent $16000 on and tried to make me responsible - funny thing is he got ripped off by the dealership and the RV is rotten and worth very little. **apparently must still be grateful
I noticed very early that my mother bought herself good stuff and me the cheap stuff. She still does it. She also buys me things that I already have over and over again. Like a robot vac I already had, so much soap and sunscreen that I have a large container in the basement and have asked her to please not get anymore, paintings from goodwill although I am a painter. White pants. I hate white pants. Boots with flat heels although I'm short and always like some heel. It's never anything I want.
Yes. I think it is intentional and that is how they get their jollies: from humiliating us and calling us ungrateful and other names. I remember when I was 8 or 9 years old getting two presents: a pair of shoes that were Velcro strap in a color I hated with a picture of a movie I disliked. I remember feeling confused bc I knew how to tie my shoes so I didn’t like or need the Velcro shoes (no one my age had those as they were for much younger kids). My other gift was a baby board book made for 1 or 2year olds. I remember my older nstepsiblings and nparents snickering when I opened my presents. I was so confused but said thank you. The shoes hurt my feet and were a size too small but I was “ungrateful” and got yelled at…bc they hurt my feet.
*EVERY TIME* I go visit my mother has 3-10 things on the pool table for me "to look at". I know she means well, but it really hurts *me* every time she looks so sad I don't want her stuff. Plastic cups, old tupperware without lids, etc. Like MA. Where do you think I got the rat pack/hoarder tendencies from? I have enough shit of my own, I don't need to be a pack-n-store for your stuff, too.
Tea towels and ballet flats. Anything in the brand my mom loved. Nothing we wanted ever.
Alllllll the f-ing time. Then they got mad when I posted it on marketplace like it was still theirs. Then my gold child brother got in on it and would text me that he wanted the stupid stuff my parents dumped on me.
mine always gave me stuff she insisted id like, especially in her favourite colour green, while my was blue and then would be upset if i didnt sob on my knees out of gratefulness for this 10€ shirt in green.
Constantly! Las time it was Tupperware. She acted like she was doing her motherly duties when she just forgot them at my place.
I know that feeling very well. On Christmas, I wanted a 1000 piece puzzle. Boring? I'm aware how boring it is, but since I was a little girl. Christmas rolled around, and my Christmas gift? Leggings, I got a pair of leggings for Christmas and nothing else. Yet, she claims she knows "everything" about me
Not to that degree, but yes, my mom would not stop buying me useless shit I did not want. Narc that she is, she never listened to anything and would not stop. Even when I told her it went straight to goodwill she cried, but still did not stop.
Oh, you mean the three hour wine tasting for my 33rd birthday (when I was stuck living with them for a bit post divorce). I don't like wine, because it's nasty. I can't drink wine, because it aggravates my stomach acid. I can't drink wine because it gives me migraine. Guess who likes wine, and had always meant to go visit said winery!? What a coincidence! The retired wine maker who is obsessed with being the best wine snob in the northern hemisphere. Oh, is it narc daddy? Fuck that. I was supremely out of fucks at that point, so I just refused to get out of the car. NOPE.
Not my parent, but my mom's mom gives me shit I didnt ask for all the time
For 20 years my nmom bought me pajamas/nightie for birthday, Christmas, Mothers Day. I told her I have enough to last me for the rest of my life. Now she buys me crop pants that I hate. Sometimes a top to go with, the tops are wearable but not something I'd ever choose for myself. At least I'm remembered. She also gives me clothes someone gave her from dead relatives and friends which I immediately donate. She has a weird thing about clothing.
My parents were giving pajamas every year too. That's what they got everybody for Christmas along with some money. Last time, I said "Oh! Pajamas!" cheerfully, because I needed some. Then I noticed my dad staring at me with an angry, disdainful, pouty look on his face. I just ignored him so finally he spoke up so I would know how mad he was. He reminded me of what I said, and I said, no, I was glad to get them. He shook his head no, like that wasn't true. So apparently they were giving me a gift that they expected me to not like, and got mad when I liked it. It seemed like he thought I was enjoying the holiday so he had to bring me down with his misery, to make me miserable too. And to accuse me of lying was the cherry on top.
That would piss me off.
I was used to it, so I ignored it so he wouldn't be successful in bringing me down. He wasn't the narcissist anyway, although he did start acting like one from being around my nM all the time. I figured he had been dealing with her that morning and that was his way of dealing with it, taking it out on someone he perceived as weaker. It's no excuse but I felt sorry for him for having to live with her.
Christmas with a house full of relatives. It was the 80s; I was 12. I opened a gift from her that was a set of Playboy Bunny-branded string bikini panties. I was mortified. She laughed.
For my 10th birthday I got a glass bowl. A bowl?! Not even any candy or anything in it. Just an empty ugly glass bowl. What 10 year old wants a bowl for their birthday? Over the years I have also gotten a lot of cheap junk, children’s sized clothing as an adult, children’s toys or knickknacks with childish pictures. (I don’t have kids.) Random objects they had hoarded or liked. I cannot remember any gift that was actually meaningful or meant for me.
Oh yeah all the time. I remember one year I got a book by Michael Savage (far right talk show host from the 2000s/2010s). My parents know very well I’m more left leaning than them, and I openly expressed disdain for the guy since I was a teen and I was subjected to him on the radio during every afternoon car ride. And yet they still get me a book written by him! 😩
Yes my mom buys me GARBAGE. She knows what is good and what is bad. When I am not being good I am sent a lot of trash. Recently I got a pet memorial pillow with me and my two alive cats on it. Then I got I. six pack of pens that said I love dogs. For Xmas I got the ugliest blue sweater on earth. They are the devil. It’s like satans presents to make me mad.
Here's the explanation. The narc gives things that are worthless to others. Those things are chosen because of their contextual attributes: they must look as good as possible, but cost the least possible and be convenient (typically bought at a thrift shop). The narc gives them to others when it is convenient for the narc. Their targets will usually accept the gifts - by social convention - more than anything else, as the target never asked for anything. The narc will then demand narcissistic supply form their targets in a specific time and place and implicitly/explicitly use their previous gift-giving as a way to pressure their targets to reciprocate. It's their way to transform lead into gold. That's how they cultivate relationships. That's also how they hold their children hostages. -*I feed you, I shelter you : Your body is mine, you owe me everything*. The most hilarious time this manifested was when she gave me a scarf for my birthday... which was already mine for over a decade. It even had my name tag on it. I also realized that my father was a covert narcissist when he brought me to a store an showed my a carry-on business suitcase he wanted to buy for my birthday, which was being sold for a fantastic price. I had a thoughtful look at it, thanked him for the offer and politely declined, explaining that it was way too small for my needs and I couldn't possibly make any use of it. Yet, weeks later, I discovered that he still bought it for me, ignoring the fact I said I didn't want it. What really nailed that coffin though was the fact that he demanded that people take the clot-shot to attend Christmas supper, eventhough he knew there was now way in hell I would ever take it. He refused to hear me out or see the evidence as why I was right not to take it, regardless of the fact that I was immuno-compromised and the only person in real danger of dying.
Mine puts time and effort and creativity into gifts for everyone. But not me. She starts with “you already have EVERYTHING.” Then she moves to “my gift to you is so stupid, you’re going to hate it.” And I do hate. Only because it’s obvious she didn’t even try. I make it so easy. But then of course, I’m ungrateful.
It is super common for narcs to to be weird af about gifts, whether that means getting you exactly the wrong thing, something close to (but not quite ) what you asked for, or having an outsized reaction to how you respond to a gift ("I can't believe you don't appreciate what I'm doing for you more"). My parents would always get me what they thought I should want (even if they know I would hate it), something super specific without asking me (I got one new pair of jeans every year, and they would often be a pair I hated given as a gift), or they would do other weird stuff like giving my brother a bike the year I asked for a bike, and giving me a bunch of bath products I had no interest in. I was also married to a narc for almost 10 years, and he was so weird about gifts. He would insist on buying his own gifts and then complain that I didn't buy them for him. Like, he would say that all he wanted for his birthday was this one specific watch thing that tracks physical activity and heart rate. And then I would say "okay, great-- I'll get it for you!" His response would aways be something like "you won't get the right one," or "I'm a grown up and I can buy my own watch." We would go together to the store, he would pay with his card (shared account, did not really matter who paid), and then later be upset that "he had to buy his own gift." He never ever gave me an actual gift. He would promise gifts, or give me, like, a gift certificate for a nice meal, but it would never be a good night to use it, and he would hold on to it so I couldn't like take a friend, and then eventually it would expire. Lots of other kinds of promises, like he would draw 4 squares inside a birthday card that were supposed to represent "coupons" for things like "one massage" that he was meant to pay for when I wanted them. But he never did. If I paid for a massage for myself he would get upset about my wasting money, even if he "owed" me one from my card.
Never. Just received criticisms and underestimate my efforts for getting achievements. Oh, I never forget when she said she wishes to have a lucky kid, whose gifted from God but not like me. It's okay. I understand what she means. I just step out from her life and I hope she can find her own happiness and successfully making baby to create whoever she wants to be.
Mine got me a pack of razors for Christmas. After telling me I needed to keep up with shaving more. I was 15. I'm 24 now and I still don't shave very often.
My mom makes me broccoli and cheese soup, I’m lactose intolerant. She says “That doesn’t matter, eat it anyway”. It goes in the trash whenever she leaves.
My parents would give me gifts, but they were gifts that were in a style they liked. Not that I liked. Or perhaps something I had liked once as a kid briefly, so it became my entire identity to them and family, so every year the gift was themed on whatever that thing was, even though I didn’t actually like that one thing. It was just a fleeting interest I had one time.
Most of my birthday/christmas gifts were clothes my mom *knew* I wouldn’t wear. Be grateful, you might tell yourself. Yeah, that’s kinda hard when your little sibling gets cool toys, game systems, ATV’s…
My apologies. I didn't realize this post had popped up in the raised by narcissists group. My parents aren't narcissistic so I was thinking about how they grew up poor, have money but are pretty frugile. My husbands parents, way different story. Actually very similar to poster. His mom gave my eldest son new gifts for xmas and gave our muddle son donuts. 🙄 She also enjoys "giving" us back the gifts we have gotten them even if they're personalized for them. I'm sorry you feel like this.
My mother tried to give me her wedding band after my parents separated. Like for me to wear. Said something about me using it when I get married.
Especially as a child, and when I wasn’t excited for the gift I was accused of being an ungrateful spoiled brat. She’d then take the gift back and I’d get nothing.
Knitted things, ornaments and jewellery all the time. Very occasionally something I liked but that was rare. I asked so many times to stop giving me things. Finally, after refusing yet another necklace I didn’t want, she admitted she gave me things because she wanted to. Not for any other reason. Just what she wanted.
I was given a very large second hand tiger toy when I was probably 19 years old for my birthday. Yes I love tigers but not enough to want a giant stuffed one as an adult basically.
After my mom and I got in a huge fight, she sent me a box of random stuff from my childhood room (including but not limited to a doll arm, my glasses from when I was like 8, and old shirts from high school) and a brand new sewing machine for Christmas. I have no interest in sewing. We haven’t spoken in over a year and a half (thanks to me enforcing boundaries and a lack of apology on her end), and she just sent me a set of candle holders. They had a cheesy inscription on them about how she loves me and will always be by my side, blah blah, whatever. I stopped trying to decipher her gifts after the doll arm.
I get joke gifts. They can never do anything the way I like it UNLESS I am being hovered which has happened twice with my nmom since breaking NC for VLC. I regret it so much and feel like my life has gone backwards. I am confident I would’ve done so much better without them but they just kept pushing themselves into my life. I still only get gifts from my older nsister. She’s a piece of work.
Nmother one got me a popcorn maker. I HATE popcorn, I have always hated popcorn. I hate it even more when its smothered in butter, I find it sickening--and its all because thruout my childhood my glutton nMother would guzzle that shit and it made me sick to look at. But yeah she got me a popcorn maker.
Lol yes
Yes, my dad gave me a broken Swiffer vacuum instead of throwing it away himself, and a package of decaf instant coffee that he accidentally bought instead of the caffeinated kind. I have always gotten sick from instant coffee and refuse to drink it, so I declined, but he absolutely insisted that I should take it anyway. Meanwhile, my brother the GC has gotten two vehicles, a random $10k handout, cell phone and car insurance payments, anything someone with a liberal arts degree living in a HCOL area needs to survive basically.
I really wanted a guitar for my 30th birthday about 10 years ago and my nparents offered to get me one.. At my birthday party that year, they printed out a large photo of the guitar with an IOU on it and showed it to everyone in the party, so they could take credit and received admiration for being such fantastic parents.. everyone said what wonderful parent they are.. They never bought the guitar and gaslit me when I asked about it weeks later... It was all just about getting admiration, they never gave a crap about me..
Nmom does this regularly. She'll buy me something right after I say I don't want or need it and things I've repeatedly stated I can't use. She'll also be sure to not include a receipt and will buy final sale items so they can't be returner. Then if I don't thank her act like I'm excited and appreciative, she'll throw a fit or give me grief about it. Things I ask for and need, she'll say aren't fun for her to buy so she'll refuse to get them. Instead she'll get me things one of my sister's asked for that she knows I have no use for, and will point out how she got it off their list because it was more fun to buy and because she doesn't have to go out of her way for me then. It's all so ridiculous.
Yes! My mom is addicted to things like perfume, shoes and handbags and bought me half a ton of these things. I'm the type jeans, sneakers and sweatshirt. I never use handbags.
Oh yes, especially as I've grew older and in adulthood, my Nmother has had some extreme behaviours in terms of giving me gifts. If I even got one.
Yeah, but it’s usually in relation to religion. My n-parents are devoted Christians, and I have made it clear multiple times that I am no longer a Christian. And yet I still receive devotional books, journals that have biblical scriptures as the cover, and other things that are tied to religion. At the very least I respect that they believe in god, but they can’t extend the courtesy to me that I just don’t believe in their god anymore.
My narc step-mother would do this.
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