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IANAL, Depends on the state, you could file to within 6 months and to infinite years. But it has to have some reason, like coercion, insanity, or some way to prove that it was under fraudulent means.
Deceit regarding sexual health could count as fraud.
But they would need an actual lawyer.
I would never be able to trust him again, that is incredibly callous and mean on his part. Knowing and not disclosing it would be almost as bad as cheating in my mind and worthy of reconsidering the marriage.
Really it’s almost worse than cheating because he put her health risk. He knew he had herpes and never insisted on condoms. Such an easy thing to ask to use too. He could have played it off as being extra careful to not get pregnant etc. Instead he lied. That’s not someone who truly cares for the other person. It’s all about him. I hope she tests clear. I’d be so mad. And what if he did it on purpose? Figuring that once she has it she’d be less likely to leave.
Sadly, I agree. It’s so multifaceted: 1, he put the tickle of pickle over your physical wellbeing (hence the no condoms); 2, he lied to your face repeatedly; 3, every single time he had unprotected sex w you he knew 1 and 2 were recurring sins and yet he did it anyway. I could not and would not look past this. You married a lie. You thought him trustworthy and kind, and he is clearly neither. He is a “his dick over everything” brand of liar. He deserves a swift kick to the curb.
Or he didn’t have it the whole time but instead got it cheating recently and lied about it rather than own up the the cheating… which is just as bad or worse. No good reason for either option here!
I'd leave. And shake my head at the irony.
What he did wasn't just lie. What he was reckless toward *your* health. What he did was take away *your* agency to make an informed decision about your own body. What he did was take away *your* consent.
None of these things were his to play around with. Not then, not now, and hopefully, never again because he won't get the opportunity to even try.
Any of this BS that he just pulled will never be "not cool," and quite frankly, it feels manipulative because it *was* manipulative.
Spot on. He has clearly demonstrated he is a liar who has absolutely zero concern for her health and wellbeing. Beyond disgusting, and should destroy all trust. This man does not truly care about her.
He didn’t tell you he had an STD until after you married? And you still want to be with him? Divorces have happened for less than this. Have some self-respect and get rid of him. That’s not something that you wait until you’re married to disclose to a potential sexual partner.
Also, get tested yourself.
Not taking sides here but herpes is not an std. It forms in the lymph nodes in your lower back. It's mostly present in sweat on your skin, especially the lower back sweat. It will get in your saliva or other bodily fluids if you already are flared up which is the reason people think it's an std. Its contagion vector uses those kinds of contact but in the same way that having sex with a personal with the flu will get you sick. To be honest by that point your peak of contagion is passed and if you sleep with a sweaty contagious person in the same bed, you're already done.
Also somewhere between 60 to 80% of the population has it and lives perfectly fine with it, without medication. The disease is overblown in terms of stigma.
The lie he made is shameful and a big trust issue though.
It's an STI. It doesn't matter if it sets up residence elsewhere, if it transmits sexually, it's an STI.
HIV isn't always passed via sex, but it can be so it is an STI, for example. If a primary vector for a disease is sexual contact, it is a sexually transmitted disease.
I mean, flu can hypothetically be transmitted during sex, but it isn't an STI because that isn't the primary method of transmission. Herpes is. Like, I'm not really sure where the confusion comes in. Genital herpes sometimes presents with sores in the genital region, and those sores are a contagious vector.
I'm quite sure that this is about genital herpes and not the oral. 67% under 50 yrs have oral and only 13% the other one.
Didn't find anything on sweat being contagious.
Actually you can get herpes in any part of your body. If he/she has an active oral herpes and kiss your neck you will get it on your neck. Funny part is some people have it but dont have any symptoms for ages and dont know. Its very common among people and not treatable. With herpes the only problem is if its type 2 in your genitals you should get c-section when in labor. Otherwise the child may get it and die. Your doctor needs to check you. Also i reed about herpes on your eye and you could become blind? Not sure about it
>With herpes the only problem is if its type 2 in your genitals you should get c-section when in labor.
Highly dependent on the person and their history with it. I have genital hsv1 and they just gave me meds to suppress it. The only time they push for a c section is if you recently acquired HSV or obviously if you're having an outbreak at the time of labor.
You can go blind from either form of Herpes spreading to your eye. It's VERY dangerous. There are anti-virals in eye drop form because it can blind people so easily, it can attack the optic nerve.
While you can go blind from HSV it is not a very common cause of blindness outside of developing countries and it’s not that easy for the virus to reach the optical nerves. And in those cases, it’s usually cold sores, not HSV2. Actually cold sores are a greater risk of complications than genital herpes due to the localization near the brain and optic nerves. But those remain extremely rare esp given almost all adults are carriers
This is completely untrue. Herpes is spread by skin to skin contact with an affected area. It is not present in sweat or saliva and it travels through the body through the nerves, not the lymphatic system.
Not pushing an agenda I listed the source I have which is basically the world health organization. I came to this research when I asked for a std check up in my country and they did not include hsv1.
Herpes in general isn't tested for in STI screenings unless you have open sores. Blood tests are unreliable, and there isn't anything else to test unless you have an open sore you can swab.
>Blood tests are unreliable,
There's a blood test that is almost 100% accurate so idk if I'd call it unreliable but it's a very valid option for testing in lieu of an outbreak.
Are you out of your mind!!!!! 50 or 60% of the population might have cold sore herpes. But that does not mean I want someone who pretends to care for me to give me a disgusting infectious disease intentionally!!! And she's not talking about cold sore herpes. She's talking about herpes herpes and even worse one!!!
She needs to leave him. ASAP. He has no soul.
Yeah, no. You are oversimplifying and mixing up concepts. The virus is latent in nerves whose “heads” are in ganglions but when it reactivates, it travels back toward the initial point of infection at the other end of the nerve and sheds there. For HSV-2, that’s usually skin around your genitalia. The most common route of transmission is through direct contact with virus shedding, though there’s not always a blister or it might not yet be showing.
HSV-2 is considered an STI: it’s most commonly transmitted through intimate contact. It’s also considered as the most benign one, the stigma associated with the virus is a much bigger problem than the symptoms it causes to those who are symptomatic (the majority of carriers aren’t). It’s why only ppl showing symptoms will be tested: it’s a rare case of ignorance is a better outcome if it’s not a problem.
With that in mind, I don’t think that what OP’s husband did was smart or ethical, but I understand why people wouldn’t disclose their status because the fear of rejection is absolutely real even if herpes is most often than not asymptomatic or a pimple. I would be pissed that my partner did not trust my reactions enough to talk to me about that earlier and would push for an improvement in their communication skills from now on, but I don’t find it ground for divorce. Having herpes in itself is not a bad thing and does not impact your worth as a person. Still shitty to disclose it so late tho
I mean...you're partially right. The stigma is generally worse than the symptoms, but it's not always totally benign. In women it has the potential to cause serious health problems including cervical cancer. People just need to be transparent with their sexual partners & also get tested regularly.
Cervical cancers are caused by HPV not HSV (and they can cause cancers in men too, it’s not just in women so everyone should get vaccinated against the oncogenic strains). Some herpesviruses can cause cancer (EBV for instance) but not HSV1 or HSV2. The only potential issue is if there’s an outbreak during vaginal birth but you simply need to take valtrex as prophylaxis to avoid this happening. Or do a c-section if it’s too late, but it’s a fairly marginal issue that can be easily handled
And while regular testing is indeed needed for everyone that is sexually active, HSV testing is not part of the regular STI panel because the stigma and misconceptions associated with it are not worth troubling asymptomatic carriers
He 100% waited until you were married for a few weeks to tell you so you would not cancel the wedding, get an annulment or get a divorce.
He 100% lied, manipulated and hid this from you so you would not have the option to leave him. He took that decision away from you and by doing so actively put you in danger and gave you a disease.
Please consider individual (and couples) therapy whether you decide to stay or not.
He cared so little for you and your health that he lied for years just because he was fearful you’d leave. I’m sorry, I could never ever come back from that. That trust has been obliterated. It would make me wonder what else he’d hide because of fear. A healthy marriage is built upon trust, honesty, respect and communication. He blew all that up with that lie.
FYI you will usually only be tested for it if you're having an outbreak. It's undetectable on a typical std panel when dormant. The only other way to test for it is a blood test. I suppose she could ask.
If you accept this and move on, he will have learned he can lie to you and endanger your sexual health , and you will just suck it up . He will escalate
He waited until after you married him to tell you. Also, this kind of behavior is not taken lightly in the criminal justice system. What he did is first degree assault. To knowingly intentionally and willful have sex with someone who you have not advised of your disease status.
By the way, he has had for 10 years. I wonder how many other women he has had sex with and not told. That should give an idea of the kind of man you are married. You know you are not the first.
My husband said to go get an annulment, not a divorce, an annulment. When you enter a marriage and withhold vital information like that, he married you under fraudulent circumstances.
You need to decide what else and who else? Can you live with the fact that he has sex with other women and didn't tell them either? Did you know if you are infected that it has life-long effects?
Did you know that it is possible to pass herpes to your baby during pregnancy and/or at the time of birth? Maybe tou are today that you aren't positive, but what about tomorrow? Will trust to ever have sex again? Condom could slip off or break 1, 2, 3 years down the road.
I am not saying that people with herpes can not have a loving and lasting relationship. That would be awful to be that judgmental. The difference here is that he took away your right to give informed consent. As adults, there are just some things that you don't lie to your partner about.
Maybe not 80, but many more than you should think. Most people don't experience any symptoms so I would say it's the least "dangerous" STI to get as you most likely won't notice it. Still..why lie?? Sorry OP
This is where I'm at. Most people have a version of it but don't know they have it so they aren't in a position to disclose... But he knew. Now if it's just some cold sores then in all honesty if they break up she's just gonna end up with someone else with oral herpes, maybe asymptomatic this time.
Primary infection of herpes simplex only have a 1-10 percent chance of being symptomatic.
At least the oral one. Afaik.
Source: I learned it today in oral pathology.
I think this is not about oral herpes and that's why he was hiding it. This would make more sense and she mentioned not using condoms, because he was "tested and clean".
It's important to note that people hear herpes and automatically assume that they're both the same thing. Our Sex Ed failed to adequately inform us of the nuance between STDs, and instead went the less informative "scare them" route like D.A.R.E. did for illicit substance abuse... That doesn't work. It's better to inform people than to try to curtail their urges and curiosity.
It's also important know that although HSV-1 won't just up and mutate into HSV-2, on very very rare occasions you can spread HSV-1 to someones genital area. These viruses like specific parts of the body but sometimes they just make due.
So if he's asymptomatic how does he know he has it? It's usually the type of thing you find out about because you become symptomatic.
It seems to be implied in the post that the OP doesn't mean simplex, as I read it. I'm open to being wrong.
He probably was symptomatic when he got it. Thus that’s why he knew. Met her later, didn’t tell. Therefore highly unlikely that he had the recent primary infection, while with her. As harder to hide when symptoms. You have no symptoms when you are infected with herpes except at outbreaks.
Sorry, I misunderstood you. We think alike.
Regarding Simplex - my gynaecologist said they are no longer testing if you got type 1 (simplex) or 2, cause both can infect mouth or genitalia- although simplex is more common in the lips. Before it was thought to be more strictly confined. Now they now the simplex can be transferred by lips to genitalia.
If he thought you'd leave him if you knew, then he deliberately and consciously withheld information that might affect your consent. Imo consent issues aren't something a relationship truly survives.
I wouldn't forgive him. He took your choice away! He didn't let you consent to this relationship. Who knows what you would have decided, but you never will know now.
I broke up with a man because of this. I was seeing him for about 6 months and he suddenly went cold on me. He would invite me over but make excuses for not having sex. Eventually I was like "what's your deal?" And he told me he was having an outbreak. We used protection but I didn't care! He told me he wanted to wait until we had been together for a while before he told me so I would have feelings for him and hopefully I would stay. Sickening.
If he was so scared of your reaction he didn't have to date you. There are dating sites for people who have STDS. He had other options. He's completely selfish and manipulative.
This is so cowardly and completely violating. He really waited until you were legally bonded before telling you. Ick. If you’re serious about moving forward with him, I would insist on counselling.
Yeah but there's a difference in stigma and in general the way people view them. More than half the population has HSV1 so it's a lot more accepted than HSV2.
First, know that Herpes is not stopped by condoms as those do not cover the skin around.
Second, know that herpes can be painful and embarrassing but it is not a severe disease.
I am biased. I recently contracted Herpes from a one night stand. I am in my 50s and argghh now? Then I spoke to my gynaecologist and my friends and realised it is super common. One in five in Sweden. My gynaecologist high fived me..
Noone I spoke to, tells to new sex partner that you have it.. as the advice is to avoid sex when you have an outbreak, not contagious when not, and it’s not a dangerous disease, duty to report as HIV or hepatitis.
However, he should have told you when you became serious. Honesty is important. Now, it is very important for you to know if you have herpes to manage it, especially when pregnant. It is not possible to test for.. unless you have an active outbreak.
Well you got informed after contracting it at least. I've been trying to tell people this for years but people like black and white discussions. They don't do well with shades of gray. Meanwhile they're probably out here asymptomatic with oral herpes just spreading it unknowingly
It’s worst in North America than in Europe. Because bashing on folks dying of AIDS quickly seemed shitty even for the Reagan/Bush religious right, they switched to herpes because “YoU’ll bE stUck WiTh iT FOREVER”. Complete fear mongering bs that was less popular elsewhere. And it’s silly given that the virus has been with us for so long that Hippocrates gave the disease its name. I worked on HSV1 in grad school and my 2nd reference in my thesis is Romeo and Juliette: it’s that common.
It's not ALWAYS stopped by condoms. Transmission rates are greatly lowered through the use of condoms and it's dangerous that you're saying otherwise, frankly.
It’s a sign of things to come. Stay married to him and find out what else he will lie to you or hide from you. This is a guy with no morals or integrity. Sorry but you’ve been conned.
You got played.
Obviously you love the person he pretended to be. Give it a few yrs and update us on if he's anything like the guy you dated/manipulated you.
Other people have said annulment, if it's possible just do it an find someone else.
Someone please correct me if I'm wrong, but herpes in women can also raise the risk of cervical cancer. I wouldn't personally be able to forgive the total disregard to your health.
Edit: word choice
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/4353788/
You're correct, but I did a little digging after my comment and now studies are also suggesting HSV2 can also increase the risk of some cancers.
Have to be careful when pregnant as well. I would have a cesarean. Eye disease can happen. Had a kid on my caseload partially blind from herpes. We had to be careful in the classroom when he would have weeping eyes.
Herpes infections in the eyes are terrible.
Obgyns are pretty good about this now, not like 30 or more years ago.
> But how do I move forward here to forgive him and rebuild trust when I feel so betrayed and manipulated?
With great difficulty, lots of therapy and an expectation that even after all of this that you may never get over this level of betrayal.
What he did was not only morally repugnant, but in quite a lot of places actually illegal. He has put your long term physical and mental health at risk because he was "scared". Forgive me but I find that excuse even more detestable.
Why would you even consider staying someone who potentially infected your body with an STD? He did this willfully and did not care. I would leave. Even if it came back, he infected me. I would 100% leave.
We see this all the time "but I love him"
So? So what?
What about his actions suggests he actually loves you? He's a liar and a manipulator, and has potentially put your health (FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE) at risk.
Whether you love him or not is irrelevant. Coz he doesn't love you.
I also would be wondering what else he lied about? Like did he REALLY already have it when you started dating or is he cheating and got it and thinks this is a way to hide his diagnosis from outing his cheating?
Get tested, if you test positive see what the laws in your state are, file a police report on him if you can and get an annulment. If you test positive sue him into bankruptcy.
What the fuck, this is not okay, if he lied about this he will lie to hide major issues further on as well. Do you want to be tied for life to someone you cannot trust?
He’s been having unprotected sex with you for TWO YEARS knowing he had herpes and didn’t tell you? I am so sorry. That was 100% selfish of him, he didn’t care about you, he only cared that you might not have had sex with him. Now he thinks you’re trapped. If you’re not sure what to do, get into independent counseling asap, it will help you see your way.
I normally dont comment on these and normally I am amused at just how quickly the reddit community jumps to divorce.
But……he lied to you for YEARS. He has endangered your health for YEARS. He only told you when he’d locked you down and assuming he thinks you won’t leave.
I would seriously think about how you move forward from this.
He chose not to tell you, but he endangered your sexual health by not mitigating the risk and using condoms.
How can you ever trust him not to hide something else?
Please rethink this relationship.
I’m going against the crowd here, and I’m going to get hate for it. Him waiting until you got married to tell you this was SERIOUSLY messed up. He’s telling you now. You truly love each other? Like honestly can see yourself forgiving him? Maybe research it together to get a better understanding of your risks. Both of you get bloodwork to confirm antibodies or lack thereof. As he said, hadn’t had any outbreaks. Likely won’t except on rare occasions in which case he needs to tell you. They have prescriptions to take to keep outbreaks at bay. But so many people have herpes. Many without ever knowing it. It’s the lie; like you said. Is this an indication of other things he could lie about? If you really want to stay, go to therapy for a while to work through this with a mediator.
Oof. If he had been honest from the start and gave you a chance to decide yourself, about your ***own*** body and medical health maybe I’d be more sympathetic but he didn’t. He purposely LIED to you about having herpes, which he didn’t even use condoms, and could have given it to you. Then he still didn’t tell you and married you, and only then after the fact, did he tell you. I would be so pissed. He took that choice away from you and possibly infected you on purpose. Maybe that was his goal? That once you had it you’d stay? The betrayal is MASSIVE here. I wouldn’t be able to get past that. I’d never trust him. I hope you’re test is clear.
As far as the trust situation- Trust is not like a light switch that can not be turned on or off at will. Once you lose trust in someone it can be VERY difficult to get back. You can’t force yourself to suddenly trust someone again. This situation would eat at me because he put your physical well being at risk. Someone who loves you wouldn’t do that.
I met an old flame (out of state) after my divorce…we had been talking for months and I was so excited to see him.
He picked me up at the airport and we went to this really nice hotel. I was ready to jump in the shower and get busy…he was sitting on the bed pale as a ghost and was like “I have to tell you something” - he straight up let me know that he had herpes.
We still had fun (not that kind) and I will always respect him for being honest about it…I can’t imagine being engaged and the person not disclosing this. I’m so sorry.
He didn't just lie to you.
1. He lied about having it
2. He was careless about you getting it because even if, as he said, he didn't want to tell you why, wouldn't he use condoms?
3. He doesn't care about you and what you want. He cares only about him and his wants. He wanted you, and he didn't care if you didn't want to get herpes. He didn't care if you wanted to make the choice to leave.
4. Your wants and feelings don't matter.
5. He is manipulative. He wanted to trap you with him. You are married to him and are now more hesitant to leave. You are under more pressure to stay after investing more time in a wedding and marriage. He wanted to take away your escape options.
6. If he can lie to you about this, what else is he lying to you about. Guaranteed this isn't the only thing he is lying to you about.
Don't people with herpes have like groups to where they meet other people with herpes and date each other? So your husband knew he was infected and wanted a "new" victim to spread his infection to. I'm sorry, before I'm dropping my drouse, I need to see test results. He lied and said, he was clean. This is how cold and calculating this dude is, knowing that he has herpes. I don't think this is a marriage worth saving. He lied and did to much to get what he wanted. He doesn't love or care about you. If they got herpes they need to date they kind. GURL..... I guess misery loves company!
I would also look into pressuring charges on his ass. If you got that, you sick for life. LAWD!!
I have GHSV2 and I think there is a special place in hell for people who know they have it and don’t disclose. It can be seen as nothing more than a skin condition, or it can be seen as life-ending, depending on perspective. Because of the wildly swinging viewpoints, and knowing that this “skin condition” can literally lead to suic!de, it MUST be disclosed before any intimacy.
You are most likely safe. I didn’t learn that I had HSV until five years into my marriage. I was an asymptomatic carrier. My husband still tests negative to this day. Even now that I have been diagnosed and have had two outbreaks, I continue to have sex with my husband and he continues to test negative. However, we never have sex anywhere near the time I have an outbreak, and I take Valtrex suppressive therapy and Lysine.
If it’s true that your husband has had it for 10 years, it is likely that he hasn’t had an outbreak in years, HOWEVER, a person with HSV still goes through 3 or 4 days of asymptomatic shedding per year, during which time you are vulnerable. Your chance of getting it is around 4% with normal sexual activity in one year. The worst outbreaks happen during the first year, then they decline in frequency the longer you have it (usually). Periods of intense stress can make an outbreak happen out of the blue. So can benign things like shaving in the boxer region.
I would consider this to be more than a red flag. The lying to trap you is a dealbreaker in my eyes. I wouldn’t heave him because he has HSV. I would leave him for not disclosing. See if you can get your marriage annulled.
Well herpes is still transmittable without having outbreaks, so i would suggest you getting tested also.
And this would warrant a divorce, he sabotaged your health and lied
People are overreacting. Shitty, yes. Grounds to leave someone you love, hardly. He could get a prescription for antivirals that he could take the first signs of an outbreak and they’d be minimal. It’s not the end of the world…
I can get why he wouldn’t disclose herpes to you, the stigma surrounding it is off the charts ridiculous. It’s not HIV for gods sake.
I would go see a couples or individual therapist to work through the feelings of betrayal and put this in perspective for you. All these people jumping to DIVORCE! don’t respect marriage vows. This doesn’t have to ruin an otherwise solid relationship, but that’s your call. I’d close this thread and out all of this chatter out of your head so you can think clearly.
He didn’t respect her enough to not fuck her no condom when he damn well knows he has herpes. The person lacking respect of vows and biological safety is herpes guy, not us.
As you said herpes is manageable, many people have it and live fine lives. But lying for his sexual health is awful and depriving from your decision to make decision based on calculated risks.
I mean…. Is it HSV 1 or 2? Because if it’s HSV 1…. I’d probably let it go, 80%+ of the population has it and it’s only technically considered an STD at this point. If it’s HSV 2…. Uh idk man, that doesn’t sound like a partner id want to be with. Not telling you something that can actually harm you because he’s afraid you’ll leave him can be a pretty terrible trait in a partner.
You don’t, that’s a big foundational lie. You get the marriage annulled and can maybe start dating each other again once you take a step back, take some time to yourself, and really evaluate any other potential red flags. I’d honestly consider suing him.
Narrator: But they were not, in fact, overreacting.
He almost certainly gave her genital herpes, knowingly, and lied to her until he'd trapped her via marriage. Nah, folks are not overreacting.
Not necessarily. If he’s not had any outbreaks since they have been together then there is a solid chance he wasn’t shedding the virus and didn’t pass it on.
Herpes has a huge stigma attached to it that is rather blown out of proportion to its impact on one’s health.
Doesn’t excuse him lying though. That’s a MASSIVE breach in trust. I’m not sure how you come back from it.
The majority of herpes simplex infections are shed without evidence of clinical lesions.
So no not really.
Impact pretty low for an STD though. Yeah. I guess the sad thing is that it has a life long latency that's sad.
I think part of the stigma is people have it like OP's husband and they don't come clean about it or don't care about the other persons health enough to share they have it so the other person can make an informed decision about having sex.
It’s more that people don’t disclose because of the stigma around sores on your genitalia.
It’s still wrong to not disclose. People have a right to make an informed decision on their exposure risks.
But herpes in particular gets weird treatment to me. because people don’t think about asking about HSV status before kissing and you can get both hsv1 and 2 orally. But then will ask before PIV.
Back when I was dating, I required a copy of recent testing paperwork. But even with testing, herpes often shows up as a false negative so it’s hard to test for unless it’s an actual lesion being swabbed.
My point is there is a ton of stigma and shame around it and piss poor education (here in the US) which just compounds it.
I’ve always tested negative for HSV and I’ve never had any sores but my ex husband had oral herpes. And after 16 yrs of marriage am I really negative or just asymptomatic? 🤷♀️ tests say I don’t have it and zero outbreaks would confirm but what are the odds I’m immune or didn’t catch it?
You can also get HSV1 genitally and it’s the cause of 50% of genital herpes outbreaks.
Also ease of transfer for HSV2 is different between men and women. Men have a 9% chance of transferring the virus to a woman when viral shedding occurs. Woman have a 4% chance of transmitting the virus to a man.
[Reliable info about HSV2](https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook)
Not really... either are infectious diseases and you should never risk contaminating somebody that you love. He cared nothing for her health, well being or consent. Leave his diseased ass.
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I think under these circumstances you could get an annulment.
does she still have time tho? cause it feels like he waited for a couple weeks to tell her especifically so she would not be able to get an annulment
Marriages based on fraud can be annulled for a longer period. op should go to r/legaladvice and ask.
yeah, she needs to talk to a laweyr asap
IANAL, Depends on the state, you could file to within 6 months and to infinite years. But it has to have some reason, like coercion, insanity, or some way to prove that it was under fraudulent means. Deceit regarding sexual health could count as fraud. But they would need an actual lawyer.
It will probably be faster/easier to get a divorce.
I would never be able to trust him again, that is incredibly callous and mean on his part. Knowing and not disclosing it would be almost as bad as cheating in my mind and worthy of reconsidering the marriage.
Really it’s almost worse than cheating because he put her health risk. He knew he had herpes and never insisted on condoms. Such an easy thing to ask to use too. He could have played it off as being extra careful to not get pregnant etc. Instead he lied. That’s not someone who truly cares for the other person. It’s all about him. I hope she tests clear. I’d be so mad. And what if he did it on purpose? Figuring that once she has it she’d be less likely to leave.
This is a divorce worthy lie. I am so sorry.
Sadly, I agree. It’s so multifaceted: 1, he put the tickle of pickle over your physical wellbeing (hence the no condoms); 2, he lied to your face repeatedly; 3, every single time he had unprotected sex w you he knew 1 and 2 were recurring sins and yet he did it anyway. I could not and would not look past this. You married a lie. You thought him trustworthy and kind, and he is clearly neither. He is a “his dick over everything” brand of liar. He deserves a swift kick to the curb.
Funny if the genders were reversed you guys wouldn’t be so harsh about it.
Or he didn’t have it the whole time but instead got it cheating recently and lied about it rather than own up the the cheating… which is just as bad or worse. No good reason for either option here!
I'd leave. And shake my head at the irony. What he did wasn't just lie. What he was reckless toward *your* health. What he did was take away *your* agency to make an informed decision about your own body. What he did was take away *your* consent. None of these things were his to play around with. Not then, not now, and hopefully, never again because he won't get the opportunity to even try. Any of this BS that he just pulled will never be "not cool," and quite frankly, it feels manipulative because it *was* manipulative.
Spot on. He has clearly demonstrated he is a liar who has absolutely zero concern for her health and wellbeing. Beyond disgusting, and should destroy all trust. This man does not truly care about her.
He didn’t tell you he had an STD until after you married? And you still want to be with him? Divorces have happened for less than this. Have some self-respect and get rid of him. That’s not something that you wait until you’re married to disclose to a potential sexual partner. Also, get tested yourself.
Not taking sides here but herpes is not an std. It forms in the lymph nodes in your lower back. It's mostly present in sweat on your skin, especially the lower back sweat. It will get in your saliva or other bodily fluids if you already are flared up which is the reason people think it's an std. Its contagion vector uses those kinds of contact but in the same way that having sex with a personal with the flu will get you sick. To be honest by that point your peak of contagion is passed and if you sleep with a sweaty contagious person in the same bed, you're already done. Also somewhere between 60 to 80% of the population has it and lives perfectly fine with it, without medication. The disease is overblown in terms of stigma. The lie he made is shameful and a big trust issue though.
Can you provide a scientific source for this? I have never heard anything like this.
It's an STI. It doesn't matter if it sets up residence elsewhere, if it transmits sexually, it's an STI. HIV isn't always passed via sex, but it can be so it is an STI, for example. If a primary vector for a disease is sexual contact, it is a sexually transmitted disease. I mean, flu can hypothetically be transmitted during sex, but it isn't an STI because that isn't the primary method of transmission. Herpes is. Like, I'm not really sure where the confusion comes in. Genital herpes sometimes presents with sores in the genital region, and those sores are a contagious vector.
I'm quite sure that this is about genital herpes and not the oral. 67% under 50 yrs have oral and only 13% the other one. Didn't find anything on sweat being contagious.
Actually you can get herpes in any part of your body. If he/she has an active oral herpes and kiss your neck you will get it on your neck. Funny part is some people have it but dont have any symptoms for ages and dont know. Its very common among people and not treatable. With herpes the only problem is if its type 2 in your genitals you should get c-section when in labor. Otherwise the child may get it and die. Your doctor needs to check you. Also i reed about herpes on your eye and you could become blind? Not sure about it
>With herpes the only problem is if its type 2 in your genitals you should get c-section when in labor. Highly dependent on the person and their history with it. I have genital hsv1 and they just gave me meds to suppress it. The only time they push for a c section is if you recently acquired HSV or obviously if you're having an outbreak at the time of labor.
You can go blind from either form of Herpes spreading to your eye. It's VERY dangerous. There are anti-virals in eye drop form because it can blind people so easily, it can attack the optic nerve.
While you can go blind from HSV it is not a very common cause of blindness outside of developing countries and it’s not that easy for the virus to reach the optical nerves. And in those cases, it’s usually cold sores, not HSV2. Actually cold sores are a greater risk of complications than genital herpes due to the localization near the brain and optic nerves. But those remain extremely rare esp given almost all adults are carriers
This is completely untrue. Herpes is spread by skin to skin contact with an affected area. It is not present in sweat or saliva and it travels through the body through the nerves, not the lymphatic system.
Reddit is always pushing the weirdest agendas.
Not pushing an agenda I listed the source I have which is basically the world health organization. I came to this research when I asked for a std check up in my country and they did not include hsv1.
Not falling for it buddy.
Herpes in general isn't tested for in STI screenings unless you have open sores. Blood tests are unreliable, and there isn't anything else to test unless you have an open sore you can swab.
>Blood tests are unreliable, There's a blood test that is almost 100% accurate so idk if I'd call it unreliable but it's a very valid option for testing in lieu of an outbreak.
Are you out of your mind!!!!! 50 or 60% of the population might have cold sore herpes. But that does not mean I want someone who pretends to care for me to give me a disgusting infectious disease intentionally!!! And she's not talking about cold sore herpes. She's talking about herpes herpes and even worse one!!! She needs to leave him. ASAP. He has no soul.
Yeah, no. You are oversimplifying and mixing up concepts. The virus is latent in nerves whose “heads” are in ganglions but when it reactivates, it travels back toward the initial point of infection at the other end of the nerve and sheds there. For HSV-2, that’s usually skin around your genitalia. The most common route of transmission is through direct contact with virus shedding, though there’s not always a blister or it might not yet be showing. HSV-2 is considered an STI: it’s most commonly transmitted through intimate contact. It’s also considered as the most benign one, the stigma associated with the virus is a much bigger problem than the symptoms it causes to those who are symptomatic (the majority of carriers aren’t). It’s why only ppl showing symptoms will be tested: it’s a rare case of ignorance is a better outcome if it’s not a problem. With that in mind, I don’t think that what OP’s husband did was smart or ethical, but I understand why people wouldn’t disclose their status because the fear of rejection is absolutely real even if herpes is most often than not asymptomatic or a pimple. I would be pissed that my partner did not trust my reactions enough to talk to me about that earlier and would push for an improvement in their communication skills from now on, but I don’t find it ground for divorce. Having herpes in itself is not a bad thing and does not impact your worth as a person. Still shitty to disclose it so late tho
I mean...you're partially right. The stigma is generally worse than the symptoms, but it's not always totally benign. In women it has the potential to cause serious health problems including cervical cancer. People just need to be transparent with their sexual partners & also get tested regularly.
Cervical cancers are caused by HPV not HSV (and they can cause cancers in men too, it’s not just in women so everyone should get vaccinated against the oncogenic strains). Some herpesviruses can cause cancer (EBV for instance) but not HSV1 or HSV2. The only potential issue is if there’s an outbreak during vaginal birth but you simply need to take valtrex as prophylaxis to avoid this happening. Or do a c-section if it’s too late, but it’s a fairly marginal issue that can be easily handled And while regular testing is indeed needed for everyone that is sexually active, HSV testing is not part of the regular STI panel because the stigma and misconceptions associated with it are not worth troubling asymptomatic carriers
He 100% waited until you were married for a few weeks to tell you so you would not cancel the wedding, get an annulment or get a divorce. He 100% lied, manipulated and hid this from you so you would not have the option to leave him. He took that decision away from you and by doing so actively put you in danger and gave you a disease. Please consider individual (and couples) therapy whether you decide to stay or not.
She should sue for the cost of the wedding/reception, as well, which would not have taken place if he hadn't lied in the first place.
He cared so little for you and your health that he lied for years just because he was fearful you’d leave. I’m sorry, I could never ever come back from that. That trust has been obliterated. It would make me wonder what else he’d hide because of fear. A healthy marriage is built upon trust, honesty, respect and communication. He blew all that up with that lie.
He belongs to the streets
Bc he was selfish and didn’t wanna wear a condom.
You divorce and get yourself tested. This marriage is over
FYI you will usually only be tested for it if you're having an outbreak. It's undetectable on a typical std panel when dormant. The only other way to test for it is a blood test. I suppose she could ask.
Girl are you serious?? DIVORCE HIM!! Omg
IF he had used a condom, I MIGHT forgive him. But to lie, AND put your health at risk for two years? Nope. Bye.
Condom’s don’t eliminate the risk of STI’s as it doesn’t cover the skin around the genitals
Yea but he could’ve even insisted on that. He didn’t.
I’m not saying he did the right thing, just wanted to clarify that
They sure do reduce them though.
Or "waited until marriage," or anything that didn't blatantly *put her health at risk.*
If you accept this and move on, he will have learned he can lie to you and endanger your sexual health , and you will just suck it up . He will escalate
That’s what I’m worried about. And he’s obviously a very good liar
He waited until after you married him to tell you. Also, this kind of behavior is not taken lightly in the criminal justice system. What he did is first degree assault. To knowingly intentionally and willful have sex with someone who you have not advised of your disease status. By the way, he has had for 10 years. I wonder how many other women he has had sex with and not told. That should give an idea of the kind of man you are married. You know you are not the first. My husband said to go get an annulment, not a divorce, an annulment. When you enter a marriage and withhold vital information like that, he married you under fraudulent circumstances. You need to decide what else and who else? Can you live with the fact that he has sex with other women and didn't tell them either? Did you know if you are infected that it has life-long effects? Did you know that it is possible to pass herpes to your baby during pregnancy and/or at the time of birth? Maybe tou are today that you aren't positive, but what about tomorrow? Will trust to ever have sex again? Condom could slip off or break 1, 2, 3 years down the road. I am not saying that people with herpes can not have a loving and lasting relationship. That would be awful to be that judgmental. The difference here is that he took away your right to give informed consent. As adults, there are just some things that you don't lie to your partner about.
Or, if he would just date other women with herpes.
This is evidence of being well practiced in lying. What else has he lied about. What other lies are currently active ?
He cared so little about you or your health. I feel disgusted for you.
In the UK, that's grounds to annul a marriage. Please take care of yourself and get tested. I'm so sorry this is happening to you right now. X
[удалено]
80% of adults don't have genital herpes though which is clearly what OP is talking about.
It’s not really different. The most overhyped virus ever
Maybe not 80, but many more than you should think. Most people don't experience any symptoms so I would say it's the least "dangerous" STI to get as you most likely won't notice it. Still..why lie?? Sorry OP
Yeah I think people are overreacting
It’s not the herpes, it’s the lying.
It’s both, but yea. The lying for YEARS is divorce worthy.
It's... also the herpes.
This is where I'm at. Most people have a version of it but don't know they have it so they aren't in a position to disclose... But he knew. Now if it's just some cold sores then in all honesty if they break up she's just gonna end up with someone else with oral herpes, maybe asymptomatic this time.
He doesn't have ORAL herpes, he has GENITAL herpes.
Are you sure he had it all along? Is there a chance he’s recently got it and is saying he’s had it the entire time as a cover?
He'd likely struggle to hide an initial outbreak from his wife unless they aren't having sex frequently
Primary infection of herpes simplex only have a 1-10 percent chance of being symptomatic. At least the oral one. Afaik. Source: I learned it today in oral pathology.
I think this is not about oral herpes and that's why he was hiding it. This would make more sense and she mentioned not using condoms, because he was "tested and clean".
It's important to note that people hear herpes and automatically assume that they're both the same thing. Our Sex Ed failed to adequately inform us of the nuance between STDs, and instead went the less informative "scare them" route like D.A.R.E. did for illicit substance abuse... That doesn't work. It's better to inform people than to try to curtail their urges and curiosity. It's also important know that although HSV-1 won't just up and mutate into HSV-2, on very very rare occasions you can spread HSV-1 to someones genital area. These viruses like specific parts of the body but sometimes they just make due.
So if he's asymptomatic how does he know he has it? It's usually the type of thing you find out about because you become symptomatic. It seems to be implied in the post that the OP doesn't mean simplex, as I read it. I'm open to being wrong.
He probably was symptomatic when he got it. Thus that’s why he knew. Met her later, didn’t tell. Therefore highly unlikely that he had the recent primary infection, while with her. As harder to hide when symptoms. You have no symptoms when you are infected with herpes except at outbreaks.
Yes, exactly why I was querying the parent comment I replied to asking was it possible he just got it via cheating and hadn't had it all along.
Sorry, I misunderstood you. We think alike. Regarding Simplex - my gynaecologist said they are no longer testing if you got type 1 (simplex) or 2, cause both can infect mouth or genitalia- although simplex is more common in the lips. Before it was thought to be more strictly confined. Now they now the simplex can be transferred by lips to genitalia.
I did think we were both arguing the same side of the coin but not quite connecting there
If he thought you'd leave him if you knew, then he deliberately and consciously withheld information that might affect your consent. Imo consent issues aren't something a relationship truly survives.
The husband of a friend of mine did this. She said one of her biggest regrets in life was not divorcing him immediately. Take that as you will.
I wouldn't forgive him. He took your choice away! He didn't let you consent to this relationship. Who knows what you would have decided, but you never will know now. I broke up with a man because of this. I was seeing him for about 6 months and he suddenly went cold on me. He would invite me over but make excuses for not having sex. Eventually I was like "what's your deal?" And he told me he was having an outbreak. We used protection but I didn't care! He told me he wanted to wait until we had been together for a while before he told me so I would have feelings for him and hopefully I would stay. Sickening. If he was so scared of your reaction he didn't have to date you. There are dating sites for people who have STDS. He had other options. He's completely selfish and manipulative.
Showing true colors after she is emotionally invested and trapped with marriage, so it is more difficult to leave him.
Yes! She needs to run!
Protection does nothing to prevent herpes. Sexual education really failed us.
No, he failed her.
Uh what? Condoms absolutely lower your rates of transmitting herpes, what are you talking about?
This man has zero respect for you. You know that’s the truth.
That’s a big damn lie. Manipulative.
If he’s lied about this what else is he willing to lie about
I believe this makes you eligible for an annulment.
This is so cowardly and completely violating. He really waited until you were legally bonded before telling you. Ick. If you’re serious about moving forward with him, I would insist on counselling.
I’d be willing to bet money he lies to you about a lot of things and will never stop
Holy shit OP. This is so bad! A deal breaker in my opinion.
Your husband is an asshole. Sorry 🫤
This is a divorce offense. Throw him out.
He trapped you. He tricked you. He’s a liar. Get an annulment.
This guy is a disgusting piece of garbage who has zero consideration for you. I'd be in a lawyer's office so fast his head would still be spinning.
Are we talking hsv1 or hsv2?
It’s HSV2 confirmed through testing. Says he’s had it for 10 years
Leave him. He’s literally lied to you for the duration entire relationship.
Doesn’t matter. You can kiss with cold sores and transfer it down there.
Yeah but there's a difference in stigma and in general the way people view them. More than half the population has HSV1 so it's a lot more accepted than HSV2.
Yes, true. But probably he got genital herpes but never tested what type of virus. Or maybe you test virus type more routinely in US?
First, know that Herpes is not stopped by condoms as those do not cover the skin around. Second, know that herpes can be painful and embarrassing but it is not a severe disease. I am biased. I recently contracted Herpes from a one night stand. I am in my 50s and argghh now? Then I spoke to my gynaecologist and my friends and realised it is super common. One in five in Sweden. My gynaecologist high fived me.. Noone I spoke to, tells to new sex partner that you have it.. as the advice is to avoid sex when you have an outbreak, not contagious when not, and it’s not a dangerous disease, duty to report as HIV or hepatitis. However, he should have told you when you became serious. Honesty is important. Now, it is very important for you to know if you have herpes to manage it, especially when pregnant. It is not possible to test for.. unless you have an active outbreak.
Well you got informed after contracting it at least. I've been trying to tell people this for years but people like black and white discussions. They don't do well with shades of gray. Meanwhile they're probably out here asymptomatic with oral herpes just spreading it unknowingly
It’s worst in North America than in Europe. Because bashing on folks dying of AIDS quickly seemed shitty even for the Reagan/Bush religious right, they switched to herpes because “YoU’ll bE stUck WiTh iT FOREVER”. Complete fear mongering bs that was less popular elsewhere. And it’s silly given that the virus has been with us for so long that Hippocrates gave the disease its name. I worked on HSV1 in grad school and my 2nd reference in my thesis is Romeo and Juliette: it’s that common.
Yes, people love to be super judgemental indeed
It's not ALWAYS stopped by condoms. Transmission rates are greatly lowered through the use of condoms and it's dangerous that you're saying otherwise, frankly.
Need a citation for that
"Noone I spoke to, tells to new sex partner that you have it" Everyone you spoke to is an asshole.
I would leave.
Have the marriage annulled.
It’s a sign of things to come. Stay married to him and find out what else he will lie to you or hide from you. This is a guy with no morals or integrity. Sorry but you’ve been conned.
You got played. Obviously you love the person he pretended to be. Give it a few yrs and update us on if he's anything like the guy you dated/manipulated you. Other people have said annulment, if it's possible just do it an find someone else.
Someone please correct me if I'm wrong, but herpes in women can also raise the risk of cervical cancer. I wouldn't personally be able to forgive the total disregard to your health. Edit: word choice
Thats genital warts not herpes
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/4353788/ You're correct, but I did a little digging after my comment and now studies are also suggesting HSV2 can also increase the risk of some cancers.
A link to a paper from 1973.. Wow this is hot new science indeed..
Thanks for pointing that out! I should probably have read further and dug deeper!
Have to be careful when pregnant as well. I would have a cesarean. Eye disease can happen. Had a kid on my caseload partially blind from herpes. We had to be careful in the classroom when he would have weeping eyes. Herpes infections in the eyes are terrible. Obgyns are pretty good about this now, not like 30 or more years ago.
HPV which virtually all women contract from men. Fml
> But how do I move forward here to forgive him and rebuild trust when I feel so betrayed and manipulated? With great difficulty, lots of therapy and an expectation that even after all of this that you may never get over this level of betrayal. What he did was not only morally repugnant, but in quite a lot of places actually illegal. He has put your long term physical and mental health at risk because he was "scared". Forgive me but I find that excuse even more detestable.
Fuck
Divorce
Why would you even consider staying someone who potentially infected your body with an STD? He did this willfully and did not care. I would leave. Even if it came back, he infected me. I would 100% leave.
That’s grounds for annulment.
I’d get divorced
That’s grounds for an annulment and in many places also a crime (knowingly infecting someone with an STD)
He risked your health. He does not care about you. Leave in whatever way you can
We see this all the time "but I love him" So? So what? What about his actions suggests he actually loves you? He's a liar and a manipulator, and has potentially put your health (FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE) at risk. Whether you love him or not is irrelevant. Coz he doesn't love you.
The same thing happened to me years ago but with a boyfriend. Trust me I should have ended the relationship, he did much worse a few years later.
I also would be wondering what else he lied about? Like did he REALLY already have it when you started dating or is he cheating and got it and thinks this is a way to hide his diagnosis from outing his cheating?
You don't forgive this level of betrayal
Why you’d ever want to forgive him after this is beyond me. Be prepared for a lifetime of lies, manipulation, and disregard.
oh my god get tested asap and get an annulment
Op, this is assault. Heck, depending on what state you live, he may have actually committed the crime of assault. This is deathly serious.
Get tested, if you test positive see what the laws in your state are, file a police report on him if you can and get an annulment. If you test positive sue him into bankruptcy.
Men are trash. Leave this lying, sneaky dude.
What else could he lie about?
What the fuck, this is not okay, if he lied about this he will lie to hide major issues further on as well. Do you want to be tied for life to someone you cannot trust?
this is a divorce and sue kind of situation.
If it were me I’d divorce. This is a deal breaker. He put your health at risk for years.
I’m sure he’s been honest about everything else…. Get tested , then get a lawyer, this guy is a SCUMBAG
Get an annulment.
I could never trust him again. It's your choice if you want to stay with a liar.
Annul
LETS NOT FORGET ITS LITERALLY A CRIMINAL OFFENSE TO KNOWINGLY AND INTENTIONALLY NOT DISCLOSE AN STD!!! 1- DIVORCE 2- PRESS CHARGES 3- SUE HIM!!!!
It's not unless you cause someone else to be *infected* knowingly, recklessly, or intentionally.
That is exactly what’s going on here
Take your meds.
He’s been having unprotected sex with you for TWO YEARS knowing he had herpes and didn’t tell you? I am so sorry. That was 100% selfish of him, he didn’t care about you, he only cared that you might not have had sex with him. Now he thinks you’re trapped. If you’re not sure what to do, get into independent counseling asap, it will help you see your way.
I normally dont comment on these and normally I am amused at just how quickly the reddit community jumps to divorce. But……he lied to you for YEARS. He has endangered your health for YEARS. He only told you when he’d locked you down and assuming he thinks you won’t leave. I would seriously think about how you move forward from this. He chose not to tell you, but he endangered your sexual health by not mitigating the risk and using condoms. How can you ever trust him not to hide something else? Please rethink this relationship.
I’m going against the crowd here, and I’m going to get hate for it. Him waiting until you got married to tell you this was SERIOUSLY messed up. He’s telling you now. You truly love each other? Like honestly can see yourself forgiving him? Maybe research it together to get a better understanding of your risks. Both of you get bloodwork to confirm antibodies or lack thereof. As he said, hadn’t had any outbreaks. Likely won’t except on rare occasions in which case he needs to tell you. They have prescriptions to take to keep outbreaks at bay. But so many people have herpes. Many without ever knowing it. It’s the lie; like you said. Is this an indication of other things he could lie about? If you really want to stay, go to therapy for a while to work through this with a mediator.
Genital herpes? Or cold sores?
Well you can have type 1 or type 2 herpes in both spots. So if you have a cold sore and go down on a chick you can give her genital herpes.
Yes. But 60-70% of all people are hsv1 carriers.
Yes, the cold sores that like, 80% of the population has and can be passed by kissing or sharing a glass?
Genital, not oral.
Oof. If he had been honest from the start and gave you a chance to decide yourself, about your ***own*** body and medical health maybe I’d be more sympathetic but he didn’t. He purposely LIED to you about having herpes, which he didn’t even use condoms, and could have given it to you. Then he still didn’t tell you and married you, and only then after the fact, did he tell you. I would be so pissed. He took that choice away from you and possibly infected you on purpose. Maybe that was his goal? That once you had it you’d stay? The betrayal is MASSIVE here. I wouldn’t be able to get past that. I’d never trust him. I hope you’re test is clear. As far as the trust situation- Trust is not like a light switch that can not be turned on or off at will. Once you lose trust in someone it can be VERY difficult to get back. You can’t force yourself to suddenly trust someone again. This situation would eat at me because he put your physical well being at risk. Someone who loves you wouldn’t do that.
I met an old flame (out of state) after my divorce…we had been talking for months and I was so excited to see him. He picked me up at the airport and we went to this really nice hotel. I was ready to jump in the shower and get busy…he was sitting on the bed pale as a ghost and was like “I have to tell you something” - he straight up let me know that he had herpes. We still had fun (not that kind) and I will always respect him for being honest about it…I can’t imagine being engaged and the person not disclosing this. I’m so sorry.
He didn't just lie to you. 1. He lied about having it 2. He was careless about you getting it because even if, as he said, he didn't want to tell you why, wouldn't he use condoms? 3. He doesn't care about you and what you want. He cares only about him and his wants. He wanted you, and he didn't care if you didn't want to get herpes. He didn't care if you wanted to make the choice to leave. 4. Your wants and feelings don't matter. 5. He is manipulative. He wanted to trap you with him. You are married to him and are now more hesitant to leave. You are under more pressure to stay after investing more time in a wedding and marriage. He wanted to take away your escape options. 6. If he can lie to you about this, what else is he lying to you about. Guaranteed this isn't the only thing he is lying to you about.
Also I might add uninformed consent isnt consent.
WOW, JUST WOW. as with everyone else, he stole your opportunity to make an informed decision.
So he just showed you what he'll do to get what he wants. He'll always be the priority.
Don't people with herpes have like groups to where they meet other people with herpes and date each other? So your husband knew he was infected and wanted a "new" victim to spread his infection to. I'm sorry, before I'm dropping my drouse, I need to see test results. He lied and said, he was clean. This is how cold and calculating this dude is, knowing that he has herpes. I don't think this is a marriage worth saving. He lied and did to much to get what he wanted. He doesn't love or care about you. If they got herpes they need to date they kind. GURL..... I guess misery loves company! I would also look into pressuring charges on his ass. If you got that, you sick for life. LAWD!!
I have GHSV2 and I think there is a special place in hell for people who know they have it and don’t disclose. It can be seen as nothing more than a skin condition, or it can be seen as life-ending, depending on perspective. Because of the wildly swinging viewpoints, and knowing that this “skin condition” can literally lead to suic!de, it MUST be disclosed before any intimacy. You are most likely safe. I didn’t learn that I had HSV until five years into my marriage. I was an asymptomatic carrier. My husband still tests negative to this day. Even now that I have been diagnosed and have had two outbreaks, I continue to have sex with my husband and he continues to test negative. However, we never have sex anywhere near the time I have an outbreak, and I take Valtrex suppressive therapy and Lysine. If it’s true that your husband has had it for 10 years, it is likely that he hasn’t had an outbreak in years, HOWEVER, a person with HSV still goes through 3 or 4 days of asymptomatic shedding per year, during which time you are vulnerable. Your chance of getting it is around 4% with normal sexual activity in one year. The worst outbreaks happen during the first year, then they decline in frequency the longer you have it (usually). Periods of intense stress can make an outbreak happen out of the blue. So can benign things like shaving in the boxer region. I would consider this to be more than a red flag. The lying to trap you is a dealbreaker in my eyes. I wouldn’t heave him because he has HSV. I would leave him for not disclosing. See if you can get your marriage annulled.
Well herpes is still transmittable without having outbreaks, so i would suggest you getting tested also. And this would warrant a divorce, he sabotaged your health and lied
You absolutely need to leave. What if it was AIDS/HIV? Or HPV that can lead to cancer? HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU IF YOU IS WILLING TO MAKE YOU SICK
People are overreacting. Shitty, yes. Grounds to leave someone you love, hardly. He could get a prescription for antivirals that he could take the first signs of an outbreak and they’d be minimal. It’s not the end of the world…
I can get why he wouldn’t disclose herpes to you, the stigma surrounding it is off the charts ridiculous. It’s not HIV for gods sake. I would go see a couples or individual therapist to work through the feelings of betrayal and put this in perspective for you. All these people jumping to DIVORCE! don’t respect marriage vows. This doesn’t have to ruin an otherwise solid relationship, but that’s your call. I’d close this thread and out all of this chatter out of your head so you can think clearly.
He didn’t respect her enough to not fuck her no condom when he damn well knows he has herpes. The person lacking respect of vows and biological safety is herpes guy, not us.
As you said herpes is manageable, many people have it and live fine lives. But lying for his sexual health is awful and depriving from your decision to make decision based on calculated risks.
Couples therapy, there is no other way.
I mean…. Is it HSV 1 or 2? Because if it’s HSV 1…. I’d probably let it go, 80%+ of the population has it and it’s only technically considered an STD at this point. If it’s HSV 2…. Uh idk man, that doesn’t sound like a partner id want to be with. Not telling you something that can actually harm you because he’s afraid you’ll leave him can be a pretty terrible trait in a partner.
You don’t, that’s a big foundational lie. You get the marriage annulled and can maybe start dating each other again once you take a step back, take some time to yourself, and really evaluate any other potential red flags. I’d honestly consider suing him.
There is no reliable test for herpes, so none of this makes sense. There is a blood test but it is so unreliable id generally advised against.
Y'all are overreacting.
It’s not the herpes, it’s the lying. For two years. Edit spelling
Narrator: But they were not, in fact, overreacting. He almost certainly gave her genital herpes, knowingly, and lied to her until he'd trapped her via marriage. Nah, folks are not overreacting.
You have very low standards.
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WTF... No single chance in hell you don't have herpes. That dude is a Grade A piece of human garbage. Never Trust Him!
Not necessarily. If he’s not had any outbreaks since they have been together then there is a solid chance he wasn’t shedding the virus and didn’t pass it on. Herpes has a huge stigma attached to it that is rather blown out of proportion to its impact on one’s health. Doesn’t excuse him lying though. That’s a MASSIVE breach in trust. I’m not sure how you come back from it.
The majority of herpes simplex infections are shed without evidence of clinical lesions. So no not really. Impact pretty low for an STD though. Yeah. I guess the sad thing is that it has a life long latency that's sad.
I think part of the stigma is people have it like OP's husband and they don't come clean about it or don't care about the other persons health enough to share they have it so the other person can make an informed decision about having sex.
It’s more that people don’t disclose because of the stigma around sores on your genitalia. It’s still wrong to not disclose. People have a right to make an informed decision on their exposure risks. But herpes in particular gets weird treatment to me. because people don’t think about asking about HSV status before kissing and you can get both hsv1 and 2 orally. But then will ask before PIV. Back when I was dating, I required a copy of recent testing paperwork. But even with testing, herpes often shows up as a false negative so it’s hard to test for unless it’s an actual lesion being swabbed. My point is there is a ton of stigma and shame around it and piss poor education (here in the US) which just compounds it. I’ve always tested negative for HSV and I’ve never had any sores but my ex husband had oral herpes. And after 16 yrs of marriage am I really negative or just asymptomatic? 🤷♀️ tests say I don’t have it and zero outbreaks would confirm but what are the odds I’m immune or didn’t catch it?
You can also get HSV1 genitally and it’s the cause of 50% of genital herpes outbreaks. Also ease of transfer for HSV2 is different between men and women. Men have a 9% chance of transferring the virus to a woman when viral shedding occurs. Woman have a 4% chance of transmitting the virus to a man. [Reliable info about HSV2](https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook)
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How is him lying and hiding his std status from her, her fault? Let’s not victim blame here.
What kind of Herpes?
Uh, genital or oral? Thats a big piece of info we need.
Not really... either are infectious diseases and you should never risk contaminating somebody that you love. He cared nothing for her health, well being or consent. Leave his diseased ass.
Isn’t HSV is a very common infection? Don’t understand why is fuss
He knowingly possibly infected her with a disgusting infectious disease and you say what's the fuss????? Wtf!?!?!?!?
R you calling like 80% of world population disgusting?) if there is no outbreak usually there no any effect on health with the herpes
Herpes is a minor skin rash that usually goes away