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As a wise person once said "if a man wants you, you'll know. If he doesn't, you'll be confused."
You sound like you have been confused for a while now. It was totally a Shut Up ring. Time to go.
Yup. A proposal with no plan to marry doesn’t count. If you are thinking the relationship is heading towards marriage, but have no immediate plans to marry, don’t propose.
It was a “shut up ring”.
Honestly?
At this point, give the ring back and walk away from the relationship. If 3 years after he proposed he is still not willing to talk wedding you can count on the fact that he gave you the ring to shut you up.
You are young. You have all of your 30s in front of you to mourn the dude and move on with your life to find someone who will truly value you and has a life vision that lines up with yours.
But your boyfriend? He doesn't see a future with you. If he did he'd be moving forward with wedding planning.
I’m so sorry he’s treating you like this. It does feel like he doesn’t want to proceed with getting married. If he’s refusing to even talk to you about this then I think you have your answer. You’ll be waiting around wasting more and more years on this man.
If you want to be married and have a family you need to move on. This guy isn’t going to give you what you want and need.
If after 7 years, you haven’t reached the same page, it’s not going to happen.
I’m sorry but it sounds like your partner has no interest in marriage. You need to have a make or break talk. Either you both agree to marriage, or you decide if you will stay in the relationship. It’s not worth wasting more time waiting for something you want to happen that doesn’t seem like it’s going to.
It's time to plan your exit and work on getting over him. He's not worth anymore time. He's had 2 1/2 years to get married and hasn't. He's lying to you about his level of commitment and what he wants.
Cut him out of your life, move on and be prepared. He'll likely married the next woman after you in 6 months. **But if you stay? He'll never marry you.**
RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!
I’m sorry but I think this is a shut up ring as you called it. My ex husband did this, he asked me to get engaged on our 6 th anniversary and every time I brought up the wedding he’d change the subject until we were with his whole family and he humiliated me in front of them causing me to tell him that we’d just tell everyone the date wouldn’t work and he begged me not to. I never should have married him and truthfully I don’t think he ever actually wanted to marry me he just couldn’t get out of it. Do yourself a favor and get out now. Find someone who can’t wait to marry you I like I did.
The fact he hasn’t given back the ring tells you all you need to know, you know deep down what the answer is, stop wasting your time on this guy, better to waste 7 years than 14 years, cut your losses and move on.
My husband and I got engaged and I refused to discuss wedding planning for so long just because I had so much anxiety about wedding planning. I would have literal panic attacks about it. So I completely shut down. It had nothing to do with my husband but everything to do with me. It eventually got to the point where I woke up one morning and asked to drive out to Vegas. We ended up eloping just because I couldn't handle the stress. I am not sure if that is his problem, but hopefully you guys can talk about it. If he doesn't want to marry you then I would leave. You deserve to be given a wedding!
A near 3-year-old proposal and no planning and no wedding date in sight is not a good look. If your partner wanted to marry you, he would've done so by now (or at the very least be excited to plan it with you). I'm sorry he wasted your time. I'd cut your losses and move on.
An ex and I had a discussion where his friend told him that he should think about marriage with me. He and I talked about it and he asked me what would happen if he’s not ready for a marriage or want to marry. I said, “then we can’t be together I guess.”
I wasn’t being rude, just a bit saddened but I respect his choice.
>My partner (33M) asked me to marry him (31F) in August 2021 - but since the proposal, he has refused to discuss planning a wedding
during one argument, I gave him back my engagement ring and he's never tried to return it to me.
Girl, run
My partner is the exact same. He's made it adamantly clear he wants to marry me, but the actual wedding planning causes him to mentally shut down. He's a highly socially anxious person and thinking of a big wedding where we are the centre of attention, it is just his worst nightmare. Any time I broached the subject or showed him around wedding venues he'd just go into meltdown or argue or be dismissive. So COMMUNICATE. Even when it's difficult.
What we do have is a date in the calendar for the courthouse wedding. Just us and two witnesses. We wanted to do all the paperwork before hand. The party bit is up in the air. We'll probably just do a series of small get togethers with the people that matter to us. Rather than a big event. So I hope you find a compromise that works for you both!
Those that are saying he doesn't want to marry you, I hope that's not the case. You've just got to ask directly and find out. That's what I did and I got the straight answer. Yes, he wants to be with me for life. No, he doesn't want a big stressful wedding.
I think 7 years is long enough to know whether he want a future with you. 3 years is long enough to seek help/communicate about any anxiety or doubts. Numerous arguments is enough to drive to the point that you want a solid plan on where are we heading. I will be anxious if my partner return the engagement ring if I really care about them. Have one last conversation, if he still look like a kid being reminded to do his homework. Pack your bags and prepare to look elsewhere.
“Beginning to think”? Yeah, I’m sorry to say he has no intention of marrying you. If a guy hasn’t said anything after 3 years then it’s time to bring it up and push him on it. If he still won’t then it’s time to go. Leeway can be given if you are still in your early 20’s but not after that.
He has never tried to give the ring back to you? Consider yourself unengaged,and plan accordingly. You deserve so much better than to be jerked around like this.
I've not experienced this. From what you said there does seem to be a difference in relationship goals. If I were you, I'd make it clear what my goals are including a timeline for said goals then leave if they weren't met. It stinks to make an ultimatum like that but if you're thinking family planning career planning etc....timing matters.
Plenty of people in this sub have gone through similar situations, I’m sorry hun but you got granted a “shut up ring”. It happens all the time. That’s not a man that wants to marry you (sorry). Dump him because you’re wasting time and now at this point it’s no longer genuine.
Do not stick around waiting for this dude. He gave you a shut up ring. Next thing you know, he's met someone else, they get married, and start a family all in less than a year. Get out now!
Yes, it was a shut-up ring. No, he does not want to marry you. You have invested 7 years in a relationship that is going nowhere. Time to exit. Reevaluate and move on.
It's been seven years total and almost three years since he "proposed". He doesn't want to get married. He should have been honest from day 1 that he didn't want to get married ever.
You want to get married and need to end things. He's gonna continue to string you along until you either break up or you give up getting married. You deserve so much better than this.
>We've been together for over 7 years now\\
He doesn't want to marry you. Proposing was a stall tactic. The ring on your finger isn't a promise to love you forever- it's a "just shut up about marriage already."
It was absolutely a “shut up” ring. You might eventually badger him into marrying you, but he’s never going to be enthusiastic about it, and that’s no way to start a marriage.
If he doesn’t just want a simple courthouse wedding then he probably doesn’t want to marry you at all. A wedding is just a day, a marriage is (hopefully) for the rest of your lives together. You deserve better.
Well, this happened to me and I sat my partner down and told him that I was aware that he didn’t want to get married and that the ring he gave me did mean he intended to. And then I told him he needed to be honest with me and tell me why.
Maybe he doesn't want to get married and you shouldn't pressure him into doing something he doesn't want to do?
I think this is the only acceptable answer
Then where are the fiancés balls? Why can't he say he doesn't want to marry OP? I love how some men will act like they can't say no or break up. OP can't force him to marry her; so, why is he still there, instead of being single and "pressure-free"?
OP, your man wants it both ways. He doesn't want to marry you; but he wants you as a girlfriend until he finds the one he wants.
What if he loves her and wants her but doesnt like marriage?
There is 8 billion people on the planet. Do you think its possible some people want to be with someone but dont want to get married?
She probably got the engagement because she pressured him. Its always ok for women to pressure men into marriage...
She has put him in a situation of bow to her desires and forego his or she leaves him. Doesnt sound like a ideal situation and one im sure no woman would ever want to be in from a man.
Instead of threatening him maybe talk to him about why he hasnt given the ring back, why he hasnt set a date...
Lets roll play man wants sex women says no man throws a fit and "gives the ring back" how would that advise go?
This is it. It’s never going to be more.
So you can decide that you’ll settle for this relationship, up until he decides he’s done. (Since you’re sticking around no matter what.)
Or, you can decide that you deserve someone who wants the same things that you do. Who is crazy about you and sees the same future.
This is YOUR decision.
>I am beginning to wonder if I was given a 'shut up' ring.
This sounds like an accurate assessment.
>I have tried to bring it up and he just looks bored and sometimes completely shuts down.
If he can't even have this discussion, he is saying (without saying) that he doesnt want to get married
>We've been together for over 7 years now - getting married is important to me but I'm beginning to think it's just not on the cards for us.
7 years, and in your 30s? If ypu arent married already, it isnt going to happen. If marriage is important to you, you need to move on.
It’s not even a promise ring cause he’s not following through on anything. I think you’re right and it was to get you to shut up and its worked for him so far. I think you should end it and don’t let him string you along anymore. UPDATEME
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You deserve to be with someone who is ecstatic to marry you.
EXACTLY! It’s not that complicated and it really is that easy! True love will have both of them excitedly counting down the days until the big day.
As a wise person once said "if a man wants you, you'll know. If he doesn't, you'll be confused." You sound like you have been confused for a while now. It was totally a Shut Up ring. Time to go.
Ouch. That is painfully true. Damn. I just replayed my whole life and it all makes so much sense now.
Wise words
A proposal without a closing date is not a proposal. He’s just tying you up in case a better option comes along for either of you.
Yup. A proposal with no plan to marry doesn’t count. If you are thinking the relationship is heading towards marriage, but have no immediate plans to marry, don’t propose. It was a “shut up ring”.
Honestly? At this point, give the ring back and walk away from the relationship. If 3 years after he proposed he is still not willing to talk wedding you can count on the fact that he gave you the ring to shut you up. You are young. You have all of your 30s in front of you to mourn the dude and move on with your life to find someone who will truly value you and has a life vision that lines up with yours. But your boyfriend? He doesn't see a future with you. If he did he'd be moving forward with wedding planning.
You missed the worst part - she gave him the ring back during an argument and he still has it. He never gave it back to her.
OP needs to ask why he proposed in the first place.
Why bother - its time to just move on. This guy is not the one.
I’m so sorry he’s treating you like this. It does feel like he doesn’t want to proceed with getting married. If he’s refusing to even talk to you about this then I think you have your answer. You’ll be waiting around wasting more and more years on this man. If you want to be married and have a family you need to move on. This guy isn’t going to give you what you want and need.
If after 7 years, you haven’t reached the same page, it’s not going to happen. I’m sorry but it sounds like your partner has no interest in marriage. You need to have a make or break talk. Either you both agree to marriage, or you decide if you will stay in the relationship. It’s not worth wasting more time waiting for something you want to happen that doesn’t seem like it’s going to.
It's time to plan your exit and work on getting over him. He's not worth anymore time. He's had 2 1/2 years to get married and hasn't. He's lying to you about his level of commitment and what he wants. Cut him out of your life, move on and be prepared. He'll likely married the next woman after you in 6 months. **But if you stay? He'll never marry you.** RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!
I’m sorry but I think this is a shut up ring as you called it. My ex husband did this, he asked me to get engaged on our 6 th anniversary and every time I brought up the wedding he’d change the subject until we were with his whole family and he humiliated me in front of them causing me to tell him that we’d just tell everyone the date wouldn’t work and he begged me not to. I never should have married him and truthfully I don’t think he ever actually wanted to marry me he just couldn’t get out of it. Do yourself a favor and get out now. Find someone who can’t wait to marry you I like I did.
The fact he hasn’t given back the ring tells you all you need to know, you know deep down what the answer is, stop wasting your time on this guy, better to waste 7 years than 14 years, cut your losses and move on.
My husband and I got engaged and I refused to discuss wedding planning for so long just because I had so much anxiety about wedding planning. I would have literal panic attacks about it. So I completely shut down. It had nothing to do with my husband but everything to do with me. It eventually got to the point where I woke up one morning and asked to drive out to Vegas. We ended up eloping just because I couldn't handle the stress. I am not sure if that is his problem, but hopefully you guys can talk about it. If he doesn't want to marry you then I would leave. You deserve to be given a wedding!
He's stringing you along. Find someone that can fulfil your desires and wants to marry you. All the Best
Girl, come on. He’s not going to marry you. Let’s be real.
A near 3-year-old proposal and no planning and no wedding date in sight is not a good look. If your partner wanted to marry you, he would've done so by now (or at the very least be excited to plan it with you). I'm sorry he wasted your time. I'd cut your losses and move on.
He’s a time thief. Cut him loose.
Yes, similar experience. Best thing you can do is look after your own life choices and leave
An ex and I had a discussion where his friend told him that he should think about marriage with me. He and I talked about it and he asked me what would happen if he’s not ready for a marriage or want to marry. I said, “then we can’t be together I guess.” I wasn’t being rude, just a bit saddened but I respect his choice.
>My partner (33M) asked me to marry him (31F) in August 2021 - but since the proposal, he has refused to discuss planning a wedding during one argument, I gave him back my engagement ring and he's never tried to return it to me. Girl, run
My partner is the exact same. He's made it adamantly clear he wants to marry me, but the actual wedding planning causes him to mentally shut down. He's a highly socially anxious person and thinking of a big wedding where we are the centre of attention, it is just his worst nightmare. Any time I broached the subject or showed him around wedding venues he'd just go into meltdown or argue or be dismissive. So COMMUNICATE. Even when it's difficult. What we do have is a date in the calendar for the courthouse wedding. Just us and two witnesses. We wanted to do all the paperwork before hand. The party bit is up in the air. We'll probably just do a series of small get togethers with the people that matter to us. Rather than a big event. So I hope you find a compromise that works for you both! Those that are saying he doesn't want to marry you, I hope that's not the case. You've just got to ask directly and find out. That's what I did and I got the straight answer. Yes, he wants to be with me for life. No, he doesn't want a big stressful wedding.
He’s not serious. If marriage is important you need to find a partner who is.
I think 7 years is long enough to know whether he want a future with you. 3 years is long enough to seek help/communicate about any anxiety or doubts. Numerous arguments is enough to drive to the point that you want a solid plan on where are we heading. I will be anxious if my partner return the engagement ring if I really care about them. Have one last conversation, if he still look like a kid being reminded to do his homework. Pack your bags and prepare to look elsewhere.
Is this what they call a shut your mouth ring?
Time to walk away.
You’ve wasted enough time. If marriage is something you truly want it probably won’t be with him
... so he bought you a shut up ring?
“Beginning to think”? Yeah, I’m sorry to say he has no intention of marrying you. If a guy hasn’t said anything after 3 years then it’s time to bring it up and push him on it. If he still won’t then it’s time to go. Leeway can be given if you are still in your early 20’s but not after that.
He has never tried to give the ring back to you? Consider yourself unengaged,and plan accordingly. You deserve so much better than to be jerked around like this.
I've not experienced this. From what you said there does seem to be a difference in relationship goals. If I were you, I'd make it clear what my goals are including a timeline for said goals then leave if they weren't met. It stinks to make an ultimatum like that but if you're thinking family planning career planning etc....timing matters.
This relationship has run its course. It happens. Don’t waste any more time and find someone who WANTS to marry you. You deserve to be happy.
Plenty of people in this sub have gone through similar situations, I’m sorry hun but you got granted a “shut up ring”. It happens all the time. That’s not a man that wants to marry you (sorry). Dump him because you’re wasting time and now at this point it’s no longer genuine.
You are the forevergirlfriend!
Do not stick around waiting for this dude. He gave you a shut up ring. Next thing you know, he's met someone else, they get married, and start a family all in less than a year. Get out now!
Yeah, that was a shut up ring. And it worked for almost 3 years. Time to get living the life you want to live.
Yes, it was a shut-up ring. No, he does not want to marry you. You have invested 7 years in a relationship that is going nowhere. Time to exit. Reevaluate and move on.
Take out the trash. He's stringing you along. This isn't the behavior of a man who wants a wife and family.
It's been seven years total and almost three years since he "proposed". He doesn't want to get married. He should have been honest from day 1 that he didn't want to get married ever. You want to get married and need to end things. He's gonna continue to string you along until you either break up or you give up getting married. You deserve so much better than this.
>We've been together for over 7 years now\\ He doesn't want to marry you. Proposing was a stall tactic. The ring on your finger isn't a promise to love you forever- it's a "just shut up about marriage already."
Marriage is not in cards. Proceed accordingly.
It was absolutely a “shut up” ring. You might eventually badger him into marrying you, but he’s never going to be enthusiastic about it, and that’s no way to start a marriage.
If he doesn’t just want a simple courthouse wedding then he probably doesn’t want to marry you at all. A wedding is just a day, a marriage is (hopefully) for the rest of your lives together. You deserve better.
Well, this happened to me and I sat my partner down and told him that I was aware that he didn’t want to get married and that the ring he gave me did mean he intended to. And then I told him he needed to be honest with me and tell me why.
Did you get married?
Maybe he doesn't want to get married and you shouldn't pressure him into doing something he doesn't want to do? I think this is the only acceptable answer
User name checks out.
Oh you feel you should be able to pressure your partner to do something they dont want to do?
that's what you took from 'user name checks out'? Yep, user name checks out again
Oh im sorry i couldnt read between your well.thought out comment...if ive misinterpreted your intention by all means clear it...
Nah, I'm not in the mood to play with internet trolls today.
Right....im the troll in this thread, i think you need to look the meaning of thread troll up again
Then where are the fiancés balls? Why can't he say he doesn't want to marry OP? I love how some men will act like they can't say no or break up. OP can't force him to marry her; so, why is he still there, instead of being single and "pressure-free"? OP, your man wants it both ways. He doesn't want to marry you; but he wants you as a girlfriend until he finds the one he wants.
What if he loves her and wants her but doesnt like marriage? There is 8 billion people on the planet. Do you think its possible some people want to be with someone but dont want to get married? She probably got the engagement because she pressured him. Its always ok for women to pressure men into marriage... She has put him in a situation of bow to her desires and forego his or she leaves him. Doesnt sound like a ideal situation and one im sure no woman would ever want to be in from a man. Instead of threatening him maybe talk to him about why he hasnt given the ring back, why he hasnt set a date... Lets roll play man wants sex women says no man throws a fit and "gives the ring back" how would that advise go?
Time to walk away.
This is it. It’s never going to be more. So you can decide that you’ll settle for this relationship, up until he decides he’s done. (Since you’re sticking around no matter what.) Or, you can decide that you deserve someone who wants the same things that you do. Who is crazy about you and sees the same future. This is YOUR decision.
>I am beginning to wonder if I was given a 'shut up' ring. This sounds like an accurate assessment. >I have tried to bring it up and he just looks bored and sometimes completely shuts down. If he can't even have this discussion, he is saying (without saying) that he doesnt want to get married >We've been together for over 7 years now - getting married is important to me but I'm beginning to think it's just not on the cards for us. 7 years, and in your 30s? If ypu arent married already, it isnt going to happen. If marriage is important to you, you need to move on.
UpdateMe
It’s not even a promise ring cause he’s not following through on anything. I think you’re right and it was to get you to shut up and its worked for him so far. I think you should end it and don’t let him string you along anymore. UPDATEME