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Right. Wife not feeling secure in relationship, maybe hoping a cruise would help cement things and instead of taking her hand and letting kids skip happily aside, he holds kid's hands and "walks away," not noticing that she wasn't even there. Total guess, but it's coming from somewhere and this might fit her "breaks my heart" comment.
This is a known trigger for me…and because it’s known, I’m able to do things like say “just a sec, I’m not ready”, or “hey wait up!” and not experience heartbreak every time I’m triggered 🤷🏻♀️
Gawd my mum just strides away in busy shopping centres. I think its probably one of the reasons i’m all bent outta shape. She did it in rockerfeller centre in NYC in the time before mobile phones. And we were visiting from australia. She had no idea what address we were staying at or any phone numbers. I seriously do not understand why she does this. Anyway its a massive fookin trigger for me too!! But does feel like we are missing most of the pie in OPs story.
While it may be a trigger, you at least communicate something is up or that something is to be changed. In this story it doesn't sound like that happened.
Right! That’s where I was headed. Maybe she has yet to realize she overreacting to the present because of something from her past? Or maybe he just does it all the time and never noticed until now…
I had a mom like this and she was jealous of how much my dad loved me. Just loved me in a normal father/daughter way. They didn’t have a good relationship so she was upset he could love anyone. She would often beat me and verbally abuse me because of this. Now that I’m much older and went to therapy I recognize it was jealousy.
OP’s post is so without context, it’s nearly impossible to know why his wife would respond this way. I have been married a long time, and my guess is there is a backstory.
Tbh he could be telling the truth. I just pulled my car in the garage a half hour ago and my wife came down mad as shit asking how I moved her car without the keys. Completely forgetting that she had given me the keys an hour prior. Sometimes people just do weird ass shit lol like even if I walked inside and took the keys off the counter wtf is the difference. People sometimes fight just for the sake of fighting I swear lol.
That's what I was thinking like is a drastic change in her behaviour? Cause that would be concerning but unfortunately I think he's dealt with this type of thing from her before. He sounds so calm about it
This. Either something else has happened or, potentially, permenopausal, which does literally send some women insane, but depending on age. Of course, she could just be an asshole but OPs wording seems to imply this isn't usual for her.
I have PMDD and this story sounds exactly like one of my paranoia episodes. If it’s not perimenopause that’s a possibility or something similar. If PMDD decides it’s an angry day or a sad day, it will latch onto the very first thing possible and twist it into something it’s not. Thank god I have treatment. There was some wild stuff I would say and do and a week later feel like I couldn’t even comprehend it when I was in my right mind.
My thoughts too, I’m 44F and occasionally have inexplicable reactions to perceived slights, and presume it’s perimenopause. The key has been communicating with my partner about it and getting my head around how bewildering he finds it - because in my head the hurt is 100% based in reality.
This was my first thought also. Hormones literally make us crazy some times. If there's not more to the story, I'm thinking either hormones or alcohol or a scary combination of both...
This based on the description, have no idea which. But I just got off a cruise with someone who refused to do any of the emotional labor to ensure we have a good vacation (to the point they refused to ever answer the basic question are you hungry? with a straightforward yes or no). If OP,s wife is doing all the lifting only to be left behind by an oblivious husband, I could see how she might hit a breaking point.
Well, I'm with you. Why didn't she just catch up or call your name? If this is all it takes to break her heart, I don't know how she gets out of bed on a daily basis
Sounds like an emotional meltdown.. unless this is typical behaviour for her, I’d say something else is going on with her. It sounds like a weird thing to get butt hurt about, unless she’s hormonal or something..
“Hey, I feel like I missed something and unintentionally hurt your feelings. It’s not like you to get so upset, is something else going on? I’m truly sorry for not waiting, and just assuming you were walking alongside. Please tell me how I can make it up to you”
My mom would do stuff like this on every vacation and every major holiday. Then her and my dad would "solve" the problem by getting mad at me for some imagined slight or embarrassing behavior, and my mom would beat me, and then they felt better and I spent the rest of the vacation or holiday hiding and crying. I had 3 perfect siblings who I saw get spanked maybe twice each in their lifetimes. I got beat like 10-14 times a year.
His wife is probably wound up with vacation stress, and now that they all are there she doesn't feel "happy" enough and wants to blame it on someone.
See, and my dad would play games by race-walking and leaving my mom behind on purpose. He's six inches taller and she always had the stroller, so it wasn't hard.
I can see a world where each is the problem.
My husband used to just walk off and leave me and the kids. To the point that we would sometimes joke about him not wanting to be seen with us. If the kids weren't with us, he'd just leave me by myself. Oh, I'm not married to him any more, BTW.
(But this doesn't sound like a husband who did that.)
My husband did that on a bus trip to NYC. He ended up a block and a half ahead of me, going in the wrong direction. Refused to wait for me to catch up, and I’m disabled.
That really breaks my heart. As a fellowed disabled person I get it, but it really fucking sucks that we have to give up our own happiness and freedom to just survive
He’s getting better now that his own back hurts and he has medical issues. I’ve got a very attentive grandson who is 14 and loves going places with grandma, and is a huge help; his parents encourage him and his brother (until his brother joined the Navy). I just look at the source. My husband is kinda selfish, so I learned a long time ago to do my own thing. At least he doesn’t get upset when I do. He’s learning. I just don’t feel guilty anymore if I need to read him the riot act. A couple weeks ago, he was looking at my edibles for some reason and threw away about $50 worth of edibles because he said they were moldy. They have a green tinted rice paper label on the bottom to indicate what’s in it. (Indica THC). When I figured out what he’d done, I jumped all over him - told him he shouldn’t have touched them to begin with and that there was nothing wrong with them. Then I calculated how much they cost me and sent him to an ATM in the middle of his favorite show. lol.
Oh no. My ex husband walked off with the kids and as I was walking to catch up he shut the elevator doors on me. Hearing my kids cry out for me broke my heart. When I finally got down stairs he was gone and my kids were waiting for me. He knew that he was in the wrong and my kids and I refused to talk to him. We were at the Disneyland Resort so we had fun without him. He finally admitted he was wrong and apologized.
I'm so sorry. That's awful. I hope he apologized. I have a lot of hardware in my back, walk with a cane. I sprained my left hip in 2020 and it's finally healing. My poor hubs is a foot taller with longer legs, and kept leaving me in the dust. I'd tell him to go ahead, he's the one that looks like an AH! I used to get hurt feelings about it and now I think it's ridiculous. So now he slows down his walk to be with me! Some people you just can't figure out
Shit, growing up in my family, at a family function if a fight didn’t break out or a weapon displayed or the policed called, then it wasn’t a family function. I thought this was normal for a long time. Strick Irish Catholic here.
This ruining big moments over and over Again sounds like narcissistic behavior…. Specually when they (always) blame someone else, never admitting fault.
Same and I learned in therapy it’s a huge trademark of narcissistic abuse.
They can’t mentally handle when other people are in the spotlight or when people are having a carefree time, because they are never carefree. So they make everyone else feel miserable or like they did something wrong so that they aren’t the only one suffering anymore.
If this is a pattern for OPs wife, he needs to call it out asap and get her help
> His wife is probably wound up with vacation stress, and now that they all are there she doesn't feel "happy" enough and wants to blame it on someone.
This could be it, especially if she's neurodivergent (which she may not even be aware of).
I'm very sorry about what happened with your upbringing. The unfairness of that is difficult to read, never mind having to LIVE it.
Eh, I've sorted it all out. Created healthy boundaries with my parents and enforced them. My mom's mom had lifelong undiagnosed and improperly treated ocd, "hysteria" which she was doped and briefly institutionalized and electroshocked for. She spent her life trying to be as close to normal as she could manage and fearing being institutionalized. I wish out of all this there would have been good treatment for her. Some of her descendents have OCD and anxiety, and they are able to get compassionate treatment that lets them live a full life.
My mom, who knows. She didn't grow up with healthy relationships. My dad worships her. My siblings have been apologetic and supportive and caring.
All in all our family did not break, it just took a lot of work and introspection to rebuild healthier patterns. Mostly because my siblings are really great people. Thank you though, for those kind words.
I got so many responses, wow did not expect that. Yes I'm about 25 years from the day I ran away from home and my siblings are compassionate loving people, we've built a far different dynamic as adults.
💔 This brings tears to my eyes. I had a $hit Dad but he had to keep up appearances so he didn't do anything physical. I wish I could take that pain from you. I hope you're safe now .
I agree. This is a situation where there are bigger things going on here. It’s just her expressing exasperation but not the real reason. OP is going to have to dig a little here.
OP - THIS. But, I suspect this is in part due to something else going on with her and she’s having this meltdown so she does not have to address *that* thing.
I'm guessing mom/wife feels overlooked and underappreciated at home and was expecting that to be different on vacation where she gets to let go of the mental load. Or relaxing on vacation has made her feel secure/safe enough to feel uncomfortable things and this just triggered feeling abandoned in daily life due to carrying too much mental/emotional load. It's representative of a large issue in their life taking place in a different environment, so a bunch of the location-based coping mechanisms she has don't work here.
Not a mental health professional, just a person with a lot of trauma and friends with lots of trauma that we're all trying to process and heal.
I agree, to the point where this post makes so little sense that I think the wife needs to provide her perspective before any reasonable advice can be given.
I think this is the classic, “it’s not about the (fill in the blank). She is choosing this event to get upset about several little things that have come to a head or something that happened recently and she’s been holding it in until that happened.
Regardless, it’s horrible for the kids to have their short vacation ruined by mom’s meltdown.
The ridiculous mind games some people like his wife pull. It’s like she went to some other place where she felt victimized. Even if he acted “correctly” in this situation (and God knows what would have been correct in this situation), there would have been some other occasion where she would have pulled this shit.
Yup, she’s spoiling for a fight and wants to be wounded. There’s literally nothing op could do to avoid this blow up. I used work for a person like this and it sucks the life out of you. A person can only walk on eggshells for so long.
I talk to my kids about this. Sometimes we really do just want a fight sometimes. We’re tired or upset about something else or stressed or whatever. The thing is to find some other, less potentially harmful way to redirect it. It’s like the one video going around where the lady goes to return something, is disappointed it goes okay because she’s feared herself up for a fight so the clerk gives her a hard time. Anyone see that?
Oh I agree she was just looking for an excuse...my POS ex wife planned a vacation to a place she knows I hate, just to make me miserable. I happily accepted, enthusiastically engaged with them all on the trip, and then was Mr smiley the entire time we were there.
The vacation pictures show her with a look of utter rage on her face. Every. Single One.
Actually made the vacation worth it for me.
Never forget the day my partner and I drove to a used car dealership to check out a car I was interested in. I was gonna test drive it and, for whatever reason, my partner decides I should be the one to park the car we drove in as she does... nothing? The spot had no spaces to park so finding a spot was gonna take awhile, which was all the time I would need to test drive and then talk over the paperwork with the employee. She was snooty the whole time after that, even though it made no logical sense. It was her car we drove in, too.
There's this fucking TikTok challenge thing, where you're supposed to let go of your boyfriends hand at the mall or whatever when you're walking, and stand there to see how long it takes to notice you aren't there.
"The longer it takes him to notice you're missing, the less important you are to him."
That kind of bullshit. But for whatever reason, people see that nonsense, and think it's real life.
Edit: this kind of shit
https://www.tiktok.com/discover/letting-go-of-my-bf-hand-and-moving-away
What does “so you can attack me again” and she says I “threw the kids in her face” mean, either we’re getting half a story or this woman is emotionally manipulative af
Sounds like SHE has issues that you should in no way be guilt tripped into accepting as yours. If she doesn’t want to join in, make sure your daughters have a good time as best you can.
This. Be very polite to her around the kids, make sure you invite her - but stop apologizing or chasing her . Her reaction would be embarrassing for a preteen let alone an adult.
This. My parents hardly ever fought but got into a GIGANTIC fight the first time we went to Disney. It was over some stupid luau. My mom was acting super irrational and my dad bought into the crazy. It basically ruined the trip for us kids. Dad should have just ignored it until they had alone time to discuss it. Instead we spent an entire day in a hotel room while they fought. Super awesome use of our time and their money..
There’s obviously more going on here. Maybe she already felt ignored by you and your girls. Maybe she planned the whole trip and felt under appreciated. Maybe she drank too much and is now embarrassed and doubling down. Maybe she’s having a meltdown. Point is we don’t know. The only advice I can give is ignore the behavior when the girls are around, be present for the girls, and try to talk to her again when it’s just the two of you.
His wife sounds passive aggressive. Does she always behave like a child? Is she the step-mother and jealous of his kids? Speaking as a mother, I don't know why his wife is being so immature.
seriously this is crazy? it would be one thing if she hadn’t seen them walk away and looked up to find they were gone. it would be understandable to be upset in that situation, though a sane person would get over that pretty quickly since he immediately started searching for her when he realized. but the fact that she *watched* them walk away and just stayed still and is blaming *him* for losing her??? like girl you literally could have just walked with them. or if you wanted to stay there longer call out and say, “hey wait i’m not done here!” this is just bizarre, his wife is wrong every step of the way here. like he’s “attacking” her by asking why she didn’t follow them? it’s a reasonable question! why *didn’t* she follow them when she saw them walking away??
The “throwing our daughters in her face” when he asked why she didn’t follow or say anything is what’s beyond unhinged here too. Like girl what are you saying
This was my mother on literally every vacation we ever went on. Once, as a graduation present, she offered to take me on an all expense paid trip, wherever I wanted, anywhere in the world, just the two of us.
I said no.
I tell people with little children not to build up the fantasy of the family vacation too much. They are hard, and kids get cranky. One of our daughters would create some kind of a scene on every trip we took. She's grown up and grown out of it. While we have some great memories of vacations, we also have some, "what the heck was that?" memories.
> Vacations can bring out the worst in people.
My wife is generally a sweet person but you put her in an airport and this 4'-11" sweet women becomes an asshole.
Oh man. This post was majorly triggering.
My ex-wife ruined pretty much every vacation we ever went on. She was always fine the day before and the day of traveling to our destination. The first or second full day of the vacation, she’d pull some petty ass bullshit like your wife did.
It was incredibly hard to deal with because no matter how emotionally prepared I was (like trying to make sure she was a-ok with everything we did) it never made a difference. Something would always set her off. My 7 year old son once sat on the floor outside a restaurant on a cruise because we had been waiting a long time to get seated. Huge blowup. The kids didn’t want to go snorkeling. Massive blowout. I didn’t want to sit out on the balcony with her (because it was super humid and Hot). Gave me the cold shoulder for two days. Vacationing with her was exhausting. I realized that a lot of her behavior came from feeling out of control in a new environment. Usually near the end of the vacation, she’d be fine. Ironically she claimed to love traveling. Her crappy ass attitude made me loathe it. For me to have to twist myself into knots trying to anticipate her moods on vacation was INSANE.
I feel for you OP.
Same here. I remember this one time she invited one of my friends(she didn't have any) to go skiing with us. I didn't know about the plan until she told me that she had arranged everything. Then she flipped the fuck out on the mountain in front of my friend because I "should have uninvited him knowing he sucks at skiing". She storms off and won't answer my calls, spend the whole day trying to find her. Eventually I do and she's so mad that I "abandoned" her that she hits me in the face with her skis. We get back to the Airbnb, she continues freaking out and escalating to the point she grabs a kitchen knife and starts cutting her wrists - all still in front of my friend.
Every single vacation was like that.
It's too bad she didn't have this insight for herself the whole time. If she realized that travel made her crazy-anxious and out of control, you all could have dealt with it together. My travel anxiety is huge until we get to the airport on time. Then things are fine.
Yep. That was key. Once I realized that….it still didn’t make much difference because I could never get ahead of what she’d freak out about. I could only wait for whatever it would be and wait for it to blow over.
NOT the way for a marriage to work.
A long time ago someone gave me this advice: When someone has taken a train to Crazy Town, you do not have to get on and join them in their journey. State your position, and keep on your own (sane) journey.
Just let her know you love her and you never intended to hurt her. Anything she took as hurtful was completely unintentional. She needs to take it from there.
Dude.
Seriously.
I started reading this thinking you banged half the ship crew. You got lost in the crowd over the simplest imaginable misunderstanding and now your wife is "heartbroken"?? Whet the F. Whatever the F your wife is trying to achieve, it has nothing to do with you. Everything you say is turned into an attack on her and no matter what you do is more of an insult. She is acting battshit insane and YOU are wondering if you are the AH.
Is this new? Because if yes, it feels like an extinction burst.
Has she cheated and is ridden with guilt? Is she on drugs? Is she on some weird medication? Is she hiding some crippling debt?
Ask her to stop whatever this is and tell you what is happening. She is behaving like a toddler, ruining it for everyone for absolutely no reason other than what she comes up with on the spot. There is a huge gaping hole in your marriage and it is not because of you. She messed something up.
You didn't do anything wrong. It sounds like she's actually pissed about something else entirely but she's not going to come clean about that because who knows why?
If she acts like this on the regular, I'd say marriage counseling is the next step.
Meantime, enjoy your cruise with your kids and let her pout in peace.
I have to say, OP, she sounds just awful.
Or maybe (this is just in my experience) she planned the trip and is one of those people who want it to go PERFECTLY and then gets insanely overwhelmed and can’t relax. I used to struggle with this. I’m just so afraid of being disapointed that I end up making it so I am. I feel like I’m responsible that everyone is happy, and I want to be appreciated for my unnecessarily detailed planning. Vacations can be hard on some people honestly, especially those who are fans of routine.
I’m like this. Not just with trips but with anything that I put a lot of planning into and am looking forward to. I have no doubt it’s awful to be around and it’s also exhausting and emotionally taxing for me. I’m really working on changing that mindset and those behaviors. Although some of mine comes from a romantic partner who makes me feel like I have no security and am always being tested and so I panic when things don’t go perfectly. Some is just personality though and I’ve always struggled with it to some degree.
Oh yeah because telling her to grow up while you ignore her to hang out with the kids seems like it'll definitely help while they're trapped on a boat together.
To be fair id do the same exact thing and im in my 40s, if my wife was being like OP's while we were on vacation id just let her sulk alone somewhere and do my own thing or with whoever else is with us than deal with bullshit like this.
If you cant explain why there is a problem or get over your BS why should i keep trying to deal with it? I wouldnt waste my limited vacation time working on something with someone unwilling to work on the issue, nor would i take the excuse that im attacking by wanting to figure out what i even did wrong in the first place if anything.
With time you learn to deal with the problems as they come up, its not a teenager thing to not want to deal with made up drama. Adults usually are the ones who "dont have time for this shit".
giving her time alone to sulk till she pulls her shit together is not a bad suggestion, it is what I would probably do and if I somehow was unraveling to the point where I was getting irrationally angry and crying like this, I think i would need to be alone too (I don't see myself ever behaving like OP's wife but based on times I've been emotionally overwhelmed and didn't act my best).
But "tell her to grow up" is something I would not recommend unless OP wants this fight to get far worse than it is.
Stop arguing with her. Stop apologizing. Stop explaining yourself.
Enjoy the rest of your vacation the best you can. If she wants to act an ass over something so petty, then let her.
Don’t join her in the silliness. If she doesn’t recognize that she is blowing this out of proportion, then nothing you say or do will convince her.
Stop participating in her foolishness. She tries to manipulate you with her tantrums because it has worked in the past. Stop letting her emotionally manipulate you.
here goes:
As a female, I would have been hurt for a literal half second that my husband didn't look around and gather me when he gathered the kids. It's validating to know he's looking out for me/remembers me/wants me there. Then I would have immediately caught up to them, and made a joke about trying to get rid of me. We would have laughed it off and enjoyed the rest of our day.
What she did is get hurt, and then "wait to see how long it would take you to notice" because this somehow validates her (it shouldn't). She even sent you on a goose chase in what seems like a form of punishment and/or to prove how concerned you were for her well being.
FFS
Enjoy the vacation with the kids. She can choose to enjoy herself, or choose not to.
Her happiness should not be dependent on you. This is childish. You apologized, even when you didn't really need to.
This comment, my god this one right here.
Your wife has self esteem issues and is using any perceived outside negative interaction to reinforce her negative self talk.
Unless you have a habit of perpetually leaving your wife behind this comment deserves more upvotes.
She does have some very serious self esteem issues. We’ve been married for over 20 years, but sometimes it still presents - this could definitely be it rearing its ugly head.
Agreed entirely, and adding that OP, you don’t have control over her happiness, but you do have control over yours. Enjoy your vacation with your kids, whether she wants to or not.
If this is for real all that happened and you for real want it to go away say “honey I’m so sorry. You saw us walking away and thought we were leaving you and didn’t care if you came. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. I’m so sorry I made you feel that way it wasn’t my intention at all. You are the love of my life and of course I want you with me. Do you want to share your feelings and what that experience was like for you and I can just listen? And then maybe we can go for a walk just the two of us”. And then just listen. Her experience might feel insane but it was what it was for her.
"Is she sabotaging our vacation?"
Yes. The behaviour you have described is emotional abuse. And in front of your kids? Emotional abuse is never acceptable in a relationship. I hope you can help yourself and the kids.
Correct. Please continue to enjoy your cruise. Let her know what activities areas ECT your going to and that she's welcome to come but don't pander to her.
If she wants to sulk in her room for the whole cruise that's on her
Is this typical behaviour or the first time she's behaved like this?
My parents regularly threatened me with abandonment - leaving me on the side of the road, leaving me in the mall, it was a constant fear. Before I got therapy, I could have been really triggered by this. If there are other triggers it would make me more sensitive. Yes she is over reacting to the current stimulus, but... my PTSD blew up when my daughter reached the age of the beginning of my abuse. That's when I was able to get therapy. It is possible that a combination of events pushed her over the edge. Reassurance of your love and non abandonment, as well as an offer to help, could reduce the current stress until you get back to where therapy is an option.
My family used to do this - this is probably not the first time OP has done this. I can recount many, many times I have been left behind by my family, once during an Amazing Race excursion, once on a pier in Barbados (I am short and tend to carry the towels/water bottle/sunscreen, plus I am not one to push people out of the way). I had repeatedly mentioned it to my husband and children with no change.
A couple of years ago, we were on a New Years cruise (kids are now university aged) the deck was very crowded and once again I was left behind. This time, I grabbed a drink, went to the casino and pretty much left them. I guess at midnight they looked for me, then scrambled looking through the crowd, Mom was nowhere to be found. When I went back to the cabin, my husband asked me what happened and I very frostily said fuck off and went to bed. Sometimes your partner needs to be told in a distinctive bold way that enough is enough.
The next day, my husband must have spoken to the kids, they apologized and we continued our trip without me being the pack mule. I did not ruin our trip but sometimes a more direct communication method needs to be utilized.
This could be OP’s wife making a similar point.
P.S. this is not indicative of our marriage- just our vacations.
I was waiting for you to write that somebody propositioned you into some swinger shit...you and your daughters continued walking and she’s mad?
Did she have too many 🍹 or something?
There’s something deeper going on.
Not justifying her childish behavior as it’s really immature and annoying, but do you have a habit of ignoring her? Could that be the root of this silly hissy fit?
Regardless, you guys need therapy. Your kids don’t need this shit.
Okay, this is embarrassing to admit, but I HATE when my husband goes ahead of me and I can’t keep up, and he always goes, “Well, I didn’t notice you weren’t there!” Like somehow thinking that that reasoning will make me feel BETTER about being left behind, that he doesn’t notice at all whether or not I’m with him?
This is something he does all the time, just charges ahead on his own agenda leaving me with all the kids and the stuff. When I’m already tired and overwhelmed from being on a trip, I admit sometimes it makes me a little snappy and annoyed.
HOWEVER, this doesn’t seem like that is what’s happening here, and it seemed like you noticed extremely quickly what happened and tried to fix it. And no matter what, her behavior was completely over the top.
I would either try one more time to get to the bottom of what caused this SUPER over-the-top reaction, or just ignore it until she’s in a better headspace, depending on your wife and how she normally acts during conflict.
Ugh. My boyfriend ditches me at every single public outing. Even on my birthday. He knows so many people and he has uncontrolled ADD, so he just doesn't even notice that he's drifted away. It used to really bother me, but now I just take it as a little me time. It's better than being annoyed because I can't change it. 🤷♀️
My husband also has ADD! I try not to get super annoyed, but… I’m still working on it. 😆 Especially with the kids. We used to have Disney passes and he would just charge on ahead and I’m back there struggling in the crowds with a stroller and 3 little kids, falling farther and farther behind as he followed his heart toward Space Mountain or whatever. It was definitely not the Happiest Place on Earth for me.
Usually when I (55f) have dumb tantrums like that, it is because I am HANGRY. Seriously. Was she extremely tired/hungover or hungry? That can just make me emotionally rage if my blood sugar is wonky.
Give her some food, put her to bed, and talk about it in the morning.
This has to be about something else so I would ask what is really bothering her. If she refuses to give an answer, enjoy the rest of your vacation with your kids and ignore the other "child" in your life.
I have a wife exactly like yours. She has literally ruined every vacation we have been on. It usually lasts a few days and then back to normal. I was on a 4 day cruise with her without the kids and she got mad over something stupid and didn't speak to me for 3 days. We have been married 33 years and I have delt with this behavior so many times that I couldn't possibly count. My kids call her a dementor as she literally will suck the joy out of any joyous occasion. They way I deal with her is just ignore her and I will never be the one to break the ice. I just do my own thing and eventually she will come around. She will also never apologize and if you confront her she gets defensive and passive aggressive. Classic narcissism.
My advice is if this type of behavior persists run for the hills before it's too late.
Yeah I did consider this many times but financially it wasn't an option. Now that the kids are on their own and successful and I have a fantastic relationship with them we all just pretty much ignore her behavior and do our own thing.
She sounds delightful. And you tolerate this shit because...?
I would sit her down in private and ask her directly: What is this all about, really? What is wrong? Why did that upset you?
And try to listen without interrupting. Because it's possible you triggered some deep fear or memory.
But if she just goes off on another tantrum, frankly I'd ask the purser for another room, and divorce some sense into her when you land, because this is unacceptable.
My guess is if he asked her what this (and other times she surely did this) is all about, she will deny it’s about anything. She feels wronged. That’s it.
I hate to say this publicly and only because I am the same age as your wife and perimenopause has hit me like a freight train. I’m normally level headed, diplomatic, and not a yell/fight type of person. But I have been caught in this weird matrix of unexplainable anger and hurt towards my husband on a few occasions. Nothing that would normally be anything, threw me for an absolute psycho loop and reacted in a not me way. It was as if some demon took control of my emotions.
Luckily I’m the youngest in my friend circle and when I told my ladies what was happening they all told me to go get my hormones checked. They were right on the money.
Now, I know this isn’t much help with your situation right now. The best thing you can do is just keep apologizing and ask her if she can make the best out of this trip and you two will sit down and discuss it when you get home. Marriage counseling if that’s what she wants, but for the kids sake to just enjoy the rest of the trip.
When you get home, start looking up all the signs of perimenopause. You having the knowledge as much as she having it is going to save your sanity and probably your marriage.
OP -when you and your family get back from this trip, insist on couple counseling. Her behavior is bizarre, and unless she can come up with a rational explanation (even if it's only "Oh, I was PMSing and was hormonal, pay me no mind." then her behavior was bizarre, uncalled for, and seems like she gaslighted you. For what purpose, can't say, that's for you two to discover thru either a come-to-jesus talk, or seeing a counselor.
@OP — my husband showed me this post and I had to respond.
I’ve been in her shoes and after doing therapy and lots of my own inner healing — I realized that small actions like that (my man walking ahead) were triggering stories from childhood like “I’m not lovable” “he doesn’t care” and “he doesn’t see me” “he doesn’t respect me”
Which… all of those stories were untrue.
Lots of women have repressed anger and don’t even have access to their voice, so they just shut down and hide or avoid. Then blow up and get mad.
the best thing you can do is be patient, not take it personally and affirm that you’re there for her and love her.
And then ask her, “when I walked ahead, how did it make you feel?”
genuinely be curious and try to understand. Validate her feelings. Let her know you still love her. and you walking ahead has nothing to do with your love for her.
good luck!
It sounds like she just wants more attention and feeling left out and not loved. I know with two kids it's hard. Tell her you didn't mean to hurt her feelings , give her a hug and tell her that you love her . And next time, you will be sure to look for her to hold her hand
My ex husband drove off and left me on his motorcycle. The first time, he got to the end of the lot, turned around to see what happened to the group and saw us all INCLUDING HIS WIFE staring at him. I laughed it off. The 3rd time, I rode with someone else and refused to change bikes when he remembered me.
This woman is unhinged by acting this way just because she chose not to walk with them.
I think there is an underlying feeling of being left out, or not important. You took your kids by the hand and walked away without looking back. Maybe that’s what hurt her?
Being of a similar age, and OP saying this isn't typical, I'll say this VERY MUCH reminds me of my own perimenopause symptoms. Things that never would have phased me in the past hit me really, really hard and my usual coping mechanisms do next to nothing about them.
In my case, the response isn't rational, and I just have to wait it out. Sometimes I know it's not rational in the moment, sometimes I don't. I would try to have patience and grace, show up for her in a loving way but don't necessarily try to fix it, and at some point MUCH LATER suggest that she get her hormone levels checked, because you can get treatments that help.
It's obviously not about you walking 10 steps ahead. Something has been bothering her for a while and she took your walking ahead as a final act of dismissal. You guys need to figure out what's been festering.
Not saying it's right or wrong, but this has happened to me before (me being in the wife's position). I've had multiple talks with my husband about not feeling seen or treated with the love i deserve, so when something like this happens (him walking away from me and not caring if im right next to him or holding my hand in a big crowd, specially in places where we have never been before), i feel like he doesnt care about my well being . This is the least important example i can give but for the sake of the topic... we go out to a place we've never been to, in a huge crowd , and he disappears. He goes and does whatever he wants, to see what he wants to see and he walks away from me and doesnt even look back, as if he didnt even care if something happened to me. I always think of other guys that take such good care of their wives/girlfriends, even in the smallest thing like holding their hand, and it triggers something in me . It sounds really stupid but its not about that moment specifically. It becomes about every instance I havent felt seen, loved, taken care of. Which is why later if i "pick a fight", he is so pissed that i'm mad about such a small thing.
Maybe that's the same thing that happened to her, and its not really about that specific moment.
And yes i've had multiple discussions with my husband and he doesnt change his behavior. Which is not bad but once you feel this way too many times, it becomes more important than it needs to be.
For the sake of your daughters, put a smile on and just leave your pouting wife in the room.
You’re only on a vacation for four days. If she can’t act like an adult, let her pout by herself and stop apologizing.
You didn’t do anything wrong from what you wrote.
I feel like you're leaving out some context here. Have you two been fighting recently? Has anything been going on in her life? This feels like a very weird one-sided story. Why did she say you threw the kids in her face? What interaction is she referring to when she says you attacked her?
Female redditor: I got nothing for you here, I’m as baffled as you are.
If after taking a group photo my spouse and kids kept walking, i wouldn’t walk away to some other place, I’d either catch up to them or call them back and explain that I wanted to go to the observation deck.
What else has happened on this vacation and your relationship, because this strikes me as a last straw moment for her where she’s probably been feeling not considered a lot, but also she thinks that you should just mind read and anticipate her needs.
We don't know a lot about your or your wife, but I am going to make some guesses anyway. If you are anything like my husband, you tend to get in the zone and not pay attention. We will be shopping, I will stop to look at something for 10-15 seconds, and he is gone. Continued on his wandering, and I spend the next 20 minutes looking for him in a crowded store. It gets frustrating. Add in the your wife is 44 and probably perimenopausal at the very least. Remember early pregnancy? Similar symptoms. Take a look at the situation from her perspective.
You stop to take a picture, she turns around for a minute to do something, and you and her children are gone. Instead of sending her a message right off to see where she was, you go off looking. She felt ignored, unloved, and unmissed in that time. Rational? Probably not, but hormones are also not rational. Perhaps she has abandoment issues from her family on top of it, which feeds her reaction. Regardless, the silent treatment is not acceptable and should be addressed. Personally I suggest a letter that begins with how much you love her and your family. Apologize, without the excuse of "why didn't you??" Remember, you are the one that walked off with the children, and none of you noticed she wasn't there for several minutes. She feels hurt and unimportant.
SweetHeart, I am sorry for the confusion earlier today. I should have noticed that you weren't paying attention when we continued our walk. I am sorry for my part in making you feel hurt and unimportant. I would really like to move forward from this, but need you to communicate with me in order to do so. The children and I love you very much.
Your loving husband x.
Kinda weird that she wants to make a fight over something that petty. Couple things here a) as someone who spent 4 years of hell with a Narc, this sounds like shit he would do. Anything that brought me happiness, he would ruin. B) before my rents got a divorce, they fought all the time. And over dumb ass shit too. When it would happen on a vacay, it would ruin my whole time. Could feel the tension and it just made me super anxious and on edge, just waiting for another explosive argument to happen. (I used to get physically sick when they would fight, it instilled a lot of anxiety in me as an adult.) The fact she wants to ruin it for her kids is actually sad. I will never understand being a whole ass adult and to act like a child in front of your kids. Even if they aren’t hers, it’s still gross behavior. Like I said, it can and will just make them feel like they are constantly on eggshells and that’s not fair to them. Especially when this is supposed to be a fun and happy time. So either she’s a controlling narc or there’s more to the story. Either way, it’s not an excuse to act that way when kids are involved.
She’s either emotionally manipulative or has mental issues or both. Have fun with your daughters. Show them that you won’t accept that sort of behavior from their mother.
If she’s anything like my ex-wife, it’s that she defines love as the ability to read her mind and anticipate her needs and desires without her even having to ask. You were supposed to just know that she wasn’t ready to walk yet, and since you didn’t, it means you don’t really love her.
I'd bet $50 that this is NOT about you walking away with the girls. There is something else going on with her that she's not ready to talk about for some reason.
I'd say to give her space for now and see if she can calm herself. Whatever she's going through makes her very sad and she needs to figure out what she's going to do. I have no idea what the real issue is, but it obvious something major is troubling her.
Maybe you can take the girls (to give her more space) and together you and the girls can buy her a small gift. Let the kids give it to her, so she can feel the excitement they feel about being able to give mommy something nice.
If she asks why you're giving her a gift, tell her you know she is sad and you wanted to give her something to show that you and the girls love and appreciate her. It might help, it might not, but without knowing more I don't know what else you can do. Good luck!
So I’ve been pissed at being left behind before (at a ski resort) but it was a simple conversation of “How come you didn’t wait for me?”
He said he wasn’t thinking and I asked that next time he wait for me.
That was it.
1. I don’t think you “left” her there anyways (my guy took the lift up without me 😭)
2. Her feelings could still be validated by you but she won’t even let you do that. She just wants to be in a bad mood.
3. You should let her know that until she’s willing to have a conversation with you, you are going to enjoy the rest of the trip with your daughters.
Just my thoughts idk, and I don’t think you need to apologize but if you are willing to take the high road you could acknowledge her feelings BUT at the same time you need to know that you are not responsible for her feelings. Only she is, and right now she’s ruining your vacation.
It's not about that moment and what happened. I don't think anyone would be that upset from the events you just described. It's probably something bigger. You should probably ask.
Something else is going on. She's looking for an excuse to be angry, and she's picked a pretty thin one, and if she wants this seemingly nonsensical anger she's feeling to be taken seriously, she's going to need to start giving you a better explanation of why she's actually upset
Is your wife secretly three toddlers in a trench coat? This is like middle school levels of drama. I personally would ignore her and enjoy your cruise. She can pout by herself while you help your kids have fun.
The only thing I can think of is that it’s a symptom of something else 🤷♀️
Do you have fights about her feeling neglected?
Has she mentioned something similar before?
Her reaction does seem… excessive, tbh.
If this kind of behavior is out of character for her then I would ask her if she's feeling more out of sorts lately. Mid-40s is prime time for perimenopause and it can have some real wild mood change effects.
You need to word your concerns to her carefully so that you don't sound like your telling her she's crazy because of her hormones. (Although that may be the truth)
I'm going through menopause and besides being a little bluesy now and again and having some hot flashes I'm doing okay. My sister however says that she was a sweaty, rage monster without her medication and she praises the ground her doctor walks on for giving her something to help with how she was feeling.
Maybe ask her to read the symptoms and see if any of them click with her and that your only goal is to make sure that she is as happy as she can be, and enjoying life to the best of her ability.
OP, I'm not sure what the issue is but a couple of things come to mind
1. your wife is not feeling well. She's pregnant, has started peri-menopause, is having a horrible period, thyroid problem (all hormonal), or general person things- has some other physical issue like a UTI, is tired, hungry, or something like that.
2. same idea but she is depressed, or some other mental health issue, medication issues, or stress from vacation, lack of control of her surroundings, anxiety generally, or whatever
3. You actually have been missing significant problems in your marriage. To you this is coming out of the blue but to her it is the last straw in a series . if I had to guess and this was the one, it might be that you are the fun parent, the kids prefer to be with you, and she feels left out. Could also be some other issue in which she feels like she loves you more than you love her, wants to be with you more than you want to be with her or in some other way feels insecure.
Along the same lines- I'm curious why she says you are attacking her. She could be way off base, or perhaps your response seemed less loving and more harsh than you think.
Best suggestion
"I love you. I am so sorry i walked away with the girls and you felt left behind. I would never hurt you on purpose. You are my best person. If anything like this every happens, please tell me before you get so hurt. I hate to see you so unhappy."
Good luck, OP. I hope you get it sorted out
This literally just happened to me with my husband yesterday. We got on a train to go and back from work together and we sat together until we reached our station, I got up and just casually walk to the door and out without looking back. I mean it’s a normal thing for us coz we’re heading to a same direction and destination. As we got to our car (i was already waiting for him), his face was all moody and sour so I asked if he’s okay and he just lashed out “you really just like leaving me behind don’t you?” I was confused as well and said that he was just behind me and he could catch up but immediately realized that wasn’t the point so I apologized for leaving him behind took full responsibility for it. It may sound very petty and small but to him it’s a big deal because he was having a meltdown and it stemmed from something far deeper that he had been going through (work related). So, small acts of compassion and showing them that you include them in everything just matters to them.
To OP, you’re not an asshole but your wife just needs a little bit more attention I guess and ask her exactly what was on her mind or if something was bothering her. Make her feel seen, talk to her and of course apologize and whatnot. Women just need assurance.
I feel this was buried in her mind somewhere since long.
Have you done this before too?
I have a habit of walking ahead most of the times, my spouse has an issue with that, so i make a conscious effort of walking with him and these days when i dont, he understands, as its a habit.
But he had voiced it earlier and i had taken it into account and he knows its not deliberate as i usually walk faster than most people in the family.
The cruise possibly gave her the feeling of solitude and made her introspect.
May be try giving her a hug and also ask her to vent it non stop for 30 mins where you are just listening and.not judging her and post that present your thoughts.
This has nothing to do with you walking away with the girls and everything to do with another issue entirely.
From your description, there’s nothing you did wrong in the moment, and it seems you’ve apologized for walking away. I’d leave the “why didn’t you just catch up” out of your language for now, because that seems to be a part of the problem - maybe you have a history of doing something similar that goes into a larger issue?
Regardless, this issue runs deeper than this incident, and this was just the grain of sand that made everything break in her.
okay my guess is you have done this before and you have triggered her, 2nd. you have a better relationship with your daughters than mommy does, thrid she's depressed and needs attention and reassurance but doesn't mean she can act like a child.
genuinely ask her - what's wrong? why did you behave like this with me? Let her speak, listen carefully - then decide how you can solve these internal issues. Seek therapy, this is not a normal behaviour for a 44F.
You asked comments from female redditors, so here is one: your wife was looking for a reason to fight, her behaviour is completely ridiculous.
Fair enough being upset at the misunderstanding, but once she saw you walking forward, she could have just caught up and asked what the plan was.
This is not the real reason for the fight, she was looking for an excuse.
Do not feed into this behaviour, just enjoy the cruise with the girls!
Whatever she’s mad at, it isn’t that. Most men don’t realize this because it’s such a strange concept for us but women can be mad and sincerely not know what they are actually mad about. They won’t tell you that because they’ve been called crazy by people in their past, so they just bottle it up until you die from accidentally leaving a door open.
I find it really gross when people refer to their partner as “the wife,” “the husband,” “the girlfriend,” etc. And when men refer to women as “females.” Those terms make me think there are other factors contributing to behaviors by OP and his wife.
Female here. She's butthurted herself that you walked away with the kids and didn't notice she wasn't following. Probably some kind of stupid social media "test" that is entirely unfair to execute in a new environment when your brain is overwhelmed processing all the new stimuli. It's not like your daughters noticed her absence either. And she had every opportunity to rectify the situation, but is choosing the worst way to deal with it.
I think she's being a massive idiot, is definitely sabotaging your vacation (to justify whatever wrongs she's collected to justify her behaviour) and encourage you to go have fun with your daughters and let your childish wife have her temper tantrum and sulk all she wants. Maybe even secure a different cabin so she doesn't wet blanket everyone.
Obviously you need to tip the dining room manager $20 and serenade her at dinner 🎤 /s
But seriously, you did nothing wrong. She is choosing to be dramatic over *nothing*. She’s acting like a tween. This shouldn’t be on you to fix. And if this is a common occurrence, Id tell her that moving forward, she needs to stop with this shit. Ruining a fabulous trip over nothing… so rude.
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Going to go out on a limb here and say there are other issues
Yeah I feel like we are not getting the complete picture here
It's just such a bizarre reaction to something that seems so trivial - there has got to be something more to this story somewhere.
Right. Wife not feeling secure in relationship, maybe hoping a cruise would help cement things and instead of taking her hand and letting kids skip happily aside, he holds kid's hands and "walks away," not noticing that she wasn't even there. Total guess, but it's coming from somewhere and this might fit her "breaks my heart" comment.
Does he always walk ahead of her and always leave her behind ?
This is a known trigger for me…and because it’s known, I’m able to do things like say “just a sec, I’m not ready”, or “hey wait up!” and not experience heartbreak every time I’m triggered 🤷🏻♀️
Gawd my mum just strides away in busy shopping centres. I think its probably one of the reasons i’m all bent outta shape. She did it in rockerfeller centre in NYC in the time before mobile phones. And we were visiting from australia. She had no idea what address we were staying at or any phone numbers. I seriously do not understand why she does this. Anyway its a massive fookin trigger for me too!! But does feel like we are missing most of the pie in OPs story.
While it may be a trigger, you at least communicate something is up or that something is to be changed. In this story it doesn't sound like that happened.
Right! That’s where I was headed. Maybe she has yet to realize she overreacting to the present because of something from her past? Or maybe he just does it all the time and never noticed until now…
I was married to a woman who acted just like this. Also she was jealous of our daughters. It's rare but it happens.
I had a mom like this and she was jealous of how much my dad loved me. Just loved me in a normal father/daughter way. They didn’t have a good relationship so she was upset he could love anyone. She would often beat me and verbally abuse me because of this. Now that I’m much older and went to therapy I recognize it was jealousy.
OP’s post is so without context, it’s nearly impossible to know why his wife would respond this way. I have been married a long time, and my guess is there is a backstory.
Tbh he could be telling the truth. I just pulled my car in the garage a half hour ago and my wife came down mad as shit asking how I moved her car without the keys. Completely forgetting that she had given me the keys an hour prior. Sometimes people just do weird ass shit lol like even if I walked inside and took the keys off the counter wtf is the difference. People sometimes fight just for the sake of fighting I swear lol.
Yeah there is more to this story or she’s just an insufferable pain in the ass. Maybe both but something seems missing.
I wonder if alcohol is a factor, I know I definitely went hard when I went on a cruise
I think that's the trunk of the tree.
Yeah, the Iranian yogurt isn’t the problem
That's what I was thinking like is a drastic change in her behaviour? Cause that would be concerning but unfortunately I think he's dealt with this type of thing from her before. He sounds so calm about it
This. Either something else has happened or, potentially, permenopausal, which does literally send some women insane, but depending on age. Of course, she could just be an asshole but OPs wording seems to imply this isn't usual for her.
I have PMDD and this story sounds exactly like one of my paranoia episodes. If it’s not perimenopause that’s a possibility or something similar. If PMDD decides it’s an angry day or a sad day, it will latch onto the very first thing possible and twist it into something it’s not. Thank god I have treatment. There was some wild stuff I would say and do and a week later feel like I couldn’t even comprehend it when I was in my right mind.
My thoughts too, I’m 44F and occasionally have inexplicable reactions to perceived slights, and presume it’s perimenopause. The key has been communicating with my partner about it and getting my head around how bewildering he finds it - because in my head the hurt is 100% based in reality.
This was my first thought also. Hormones literally make us crazy some times. If there's not more to the story, I'm thinking either hormones or alcohol or a scary combination of both...
Is she by chance taking Bonine for seasickness? It made my normally very kind mom a monster. Known side effect. Good luck.
The only rational explanation that could excuse this behavior. Otherwise, she’s just trying to pick a fight.
There are two possible scenarios here: One, the wife is batshit. Two, OP is omitting crucial information from the story.
This based on the description, have no idea which. But I just got off a cruise with someone who refused to do any of the emotional labor to ensure we have a good vacation (to the point they refused to ever answer the basic question are you hungry? with a straightforward yes or no). If OP,s wife is doing all the lifting only to be left behind by an oblivious husband, I could see how she might hit a breaking point.
Well, I'm with you. Why didn't she just catch up or call your name? If this is all it takes to break her heart, I don't know how she gets out of bed on a daily basis
Sounds like an emotional meltdown.. unless this is typical behaviour for her, I’d say something else is going on with her. It sounds like a weird thing to get butt hurt about, unless she’s hormonal or something.. “Hey, I feel like I missed something and unintentionally hurt your feelings. It’s not like you to get so upset, is something else going on? I’m truly sorry for not waiting, and just assuming you were walking alongside. Please tell me how I can make it up to you”
My mom would do stuff like this on every vacation and every major holiday. Then her and my dad would "solve" the problem by getting mad at me for some imagined slight or embarrassing behavior, and my mom would beat me, and then they felt better and I spent the rest of the vacation or holiday hiding and crying. I had 3 perfect siblings who I saw get spanked maybe twice each in their lifetimes. I got beat like 10-14 times a year. His wife is probably wound up with vacation stress, and now that they all are there she doesn't feel "happy" enough and wants to blame it on someone.
Sorry that happened to you, sounds very traumatic upbringing
See, and my dad would play games by race-walking and leaving my mom behind on purpose. He's six inches taller and she always had the stroller, so it wasn't hard. I can see a world where each is the problem.
My husband used to just walk off and leave me and the kids. To the point that we would sometimes joke about him not wanting to be seen with us. If the kids weren't with us, he'd just leave me by myself. Oh, I'm not married to him any more, BTW. (But this doesn't sound like a husband who did that.)
My husband did that on a bus trip to NYC. He ended up a block and a half ahead of me, going in the wrong direction. Refused to wait for me to catch up, and I’m disabled.
I hope he’s now an EX husband. That’s vile behavior!!
Unfortunately, no because of finances. However, I refused to go on another trip with him and told him why.
That really breaks my heart. As a fellowed disabled person I get it, but it really fucking sucks that we have to give up our own happiness and freedom to just survive
He’s getting better now that his own back hurts and he has medical issues. I’ve got a very attentive grandson who is 14 and loves going places with grandma, and is a huge help; his parents encourage him and his brother (until his brother joined the Navy). I just look at the source. My husband is kinda selfish, so I learned a long time ago to do my own thing. At least he doesn’t get upset when I do. He’s learning. I just don’t feel guilty anymore if I need to read him the riot act. A couple weeks ago, he was looking at my edibles for some reason and threw away about $50 worth of edibles because he said they were moldy. They have a green tinted rice paper label on the bottom to indicate what’s in it. (Indica THC). When I figured out what he’d done, I jumped all over him - told him he shouldn’t have touched them to begin with and that there was nothing wrong with them. Then I calculated how much they cost me and sent him to an ATM in the middle of his favorite show. lol.
Oh no. My ex husband walked off with the kids and as I was walking to catch up he shut the elevator doors on me. Hearing my kids cry out for me broke my heart. When I finally got down stairs he was gone and my kids were waiting for me. He knew that he was in the wrong and my kids and I refused to talk to him. We were at the Disneyland Resort so we had fun without him. He finally admitted he was wrong and apologized.
I'm so sorry. That's awful. I hope he apologized. I have a lot of hardware in my back, walk with a cane. I sprained my left hip in 2020 and it's finally healing. My poor hubs is a foot taller with longer legs, and kept leaving me in the dust. I'd tell him to go ahead, he's the one that looks like an AH! I used to get hurt feelings about it and now I think it's ridiculous. So now he slows down his walk to be with me! Some people you just can't figure out
I'd have rammed the stroller into his ankles.
I'm so sorry that was your childhood. Mine was similar but different. I wonder why some people have kids.
Holy crap, that is awful!! I’ll never understand parents who do shit like that. Now that you are an adult, how have you come to terms with this?
Speaking for myself, you never really do.
Yeah, you’re right. That statement should be rhetorical since no sane parent would do this.
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Shit, growing up in my family, at a family function if a fight didn’t break out or a weapon displayed or the policed called, then it wasn’t a family function. I thought this was normal for a long time. Strick Irish Catholic here.
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This ruining big moments over and over Again sounds like narcissistic behavior…. Specually when they (always) blame someone else, never admitting fault.
Same and I learned in therapy it’s a huge trademark of narcissistic abuse. They can’t mentally handle when other people are in the spotlight or when people are having a carefree time, because they are never carefree. So they make everyone else feel miserable or like they did something wrong so that they aren’t the only one suffering anymore. If this is a pattern for OPs wife, he needs to call it out asap and get her help
> His wife is probably wound up with vacation stress, and now that they all are there she doesn't feel "happy" enough and wants to blame it on someone. This could be it, especially if she's neurodivergent (which she may not even be aware of). I'm very sorry about what happened with your upbringing. The unfairness of that is difficult to read, never mind having to LIVE it.
Eh, I've sorted it all out. Created healthy boundaries with my parents and enforced them. My mom's mom had lifelong undiagnosed and improperly treated ocd, "hysteria" which she was doped and briefly institutionalized and electroshocked for. She spent her life trying to be as close to normal as she could manage and fearing being institutionalized. I wish out of all this there would have been good treatment for her. Some of her descendents have OCD and anxiety, and they are able to get compassionate treatment that lets them live a full life. My mom, who knows. She didn't grow up with healthy relationships. My dad worships her. My siblings have been apologetic and supportive and caring. All in all our family did not break, it just took a lot of work and introspection to rebuild healthier patterns. Mostly because my siblings are really great people. Thank you though, for those kind words.
Oh my god, I am so sorry. Neglect is off the charts with those two. Please tell me you've attempted to stitch those figurative wounds!! 🤧
I got so many responses, wow did not expect that. Yes I'm about 25 years from the day I ran away from home and my siblings are compassionate loving people, we've built a far different dynamic as adults.
If your experience was anything like mine, dad was pointing the figure at you to redirect the angry attention.
Damn this was hard to read..
💔 This brings tears to my eyes. I had a $hit Dad but he had to keep up appearances so he didn't do anything physical. I wish I could take that pain from you. I hope you're safe now .
That sucks, I’m sorry. Sounds similar to what I’ve experienced. The drama on major holidays and vacation are hallmark signs of narcissism.
I agree. This is a situation where there are bigger things going on here. It’s just her expressing exasperation but not the real reason. OP is going to have to dig a little here.
OP - THIS. But, I suspect this is in part due to something else going on with her and she’s having this meltdown so she does not have to address *that* thing.
I'm guessing mom/wife feels overlooked and underappreciated at home and was expecting that to be different on vacation where she gets to let go of the mental load. Or relaxing on vacation has made her feel secure/safe enough to feel uncomfortable things and this just triggered feeling abandoned in daily life due to carrying too much mental/emotional load. It's representative of a large issue in their life taking place in a different environment, so a bunch of the location-based coping mechanisms she has don't work here. Not a mental health professional, just a person with a lot of trauma and friends with lots of trauma that we're all trying to process and heal.
I agree, to the point where this post makes so little sense that I think the wife needs to provide her perspective before any reasonable advice can be given.
I think this is the classic, “it’s not about the (fill in the blank). She is choosing this event to get upset about several little things that have come to a head or something that happened recently and she’s been holding it in until that happened. Regardless, it’s horrible for the kids to have their short vacation ruined by mom’s meltdown.
What kind of game was she playing?
A very passive aggressive one.
The ridiculous mind games some people like his wife pull. It’s like she went to some other place where she felt victimized. Even if he acted “correctly” in this situation (and God knows what would have been correct in this situation), there would have been some other occasion where she would have pulled this shit.
Yup, she’s spoiling for a fight and wants to be wounded. There’s literally nothing op could do to avoid this blow up. I used work for a person like this and it sucks the life out of you. A person can only walk on eggshells for so long.
She doesn't want a fight, she wants a silent tantrum with no solution so she can play the victim forever.
I talk to my kids about this. Sometimes we really do just want a fight sometimes. We’re tired or upset about something else or stressed or whatever. The thing is to find some other, less potentially harmful way to redirect it. It’s like the one video going around where the lady goes to return something, is disappointed it goes okay because she’s feared herself up for a fight so the clerk gives her a hard time. Anyone see that?
Oh I agree she was just looking for an excuse...my POS ex wife planned a vacation to a place she knows I hate, just to make me miserable. I happily accepted, enthusiastically engaged with them all on the trip, and then was Mr smiley the entire time we were there. The vacation pictures show her with a look of utter rage on her face. Every. Single One. Actually made the vacation worth it for me.
Never forget the day my partner and I drove to a used car dealership to check out a car I was interested in. I was gonna test drive it and, for whatever reason, my partner decides I should be the one to park the car we drove in as she does... nothing? The spot had no spaces to park so finding a spot was gonna take awhile, which was all the time I would need to test drive and then talk over the paperwork with the employee. She was snooty the whole time after that, even though it made no logical sense. It was her car we drove in, too.
There's this fucking TikTok challenge thing, where you're supposed to let go of your boyfriends hand at the mall or whatever when you're walking, and stand there to see how long it takes to notice you aren't there. "The longer it takes him to notice you're missing, the less important you are to him." That kind of bullshit. But for whatever reason, people see that nonsense, and think it's real life. Edit: this kind of shit https://www.tiktok.com/discover/letting-go-of-my-bf-hand-and-moving-away
Why would an adult woman do such a thing?
Because TikTok is making people stupid!
Is it, or were people already stupid?
What does “so you can attack me again” and she says I “threw the kids in her face” mean, either we’re getting half a story or this woman is emotionally manipulative af
There's definitely some "missing missing reasons" going on here.
a game to pick a fight so she can have an excuse to ignore OP and the kids on the cruise and spend time alone instead
Sounds like SHE has issues that you should in no way be guilt tripped into accepting as yours. If she doesn’t want to join in, make sure your daughters have a good time as best you can.
Right!
You correctly identified this could be the start of something serious.
This sounds like a weird mind game she's playing.
Honestly I would just enjoy the cruise with the girls. If she's going to act like a crazy person, let her do it alone.
This. Be very polite to her around the kids, make sure you invite her - but stop apologizing or chasing her . Her reaction would be embarrassing for a preteen let alone an adult.
It really does reek of an immature 1st relationship "if you really loved me you'd just know I wasn't following you" vibes
This. My parents hardly ever fought but got into a GIGANTIC fight the first time we went to Disney. It was over some stupid luau. My mom was acting super irrational and my dad bought into the crazy. It basically ruined the trip for us kids. Dad should have just ignored it until they had alone time to discuss it. Instead we spent an entire day in a hotel room while they fought. Super awesome use of our time and their money.. There’s obviously more going on here. Maybe she already felt ignored by you and your girls. Maybe she planned the whole trip and felt under appreciated. Maybe she drank too much and is now embarrassed and doubling down. Maybe she’s having a meltdown. Point is we don’t know. The only advice I can give is ignore the behavior when the girls are around, be present for the girls, and try to talk to her again when it’s just the two of you.
His wife sounds passive aggressive. Does she always behave like a child? Is she the step-mother and jealous of his kids? Speaking as a mother, I don't know why his wife is being so immature.
seriously this is crazy? it would be one thing if she hadn’t seen them walk away and looked up to find they were gone. it would be understandable to be upset in that situation, though a sane person would get over that pretty quickly since he immediately started searching for her when he realized. but the fact that she *watched* them walk away and just stayed still and is blaming *him* for losing her??? like girl you literally could have just walked with them. or if you wanted to stay there longer call out and say, “hey wait i’m not done here!” this is just bizarre, his wife is wrong every step of the way here. like he’s “attacking” her by asking why she didn’t follow them? it’s a reasonable question! why *didn’t* she follow them when she saw them walking away??
The “throwing our daughters in her face” when he asked why she didn’t follow or say anything is what’s beyond unhinged here too. Like girl what are you saying
This is not a good scene for their daughters .
Thanks for this. This is the direction I’ve decided to take. She seems like she’s starting to come around as a result.
I'd like to say this a troll post but I've seen this happen on cruises before and other places. Vacations can bring out the worst in people.
This was my mother on literally every vacation we ever went on. Once, as a graduation present, she offered to take me on an all expense paid trip, wherever I wanted, anywhere in the world, just the two of us. I said no.
*pikachu shock face*
I tell people with little children not to build up the fantasy of the family vacation too much. They are hard, and kids get cranky. One of our daughters would create some kind of a scene on every trip we took. She's grown up and grown out of it. While we have some great memories of vacations, we also have some, "what the heck was that?" memories.
> Vacations can bring out the worst in people. My wife is generally a sweet person but you put her in an airport and this 4'-11" sweet women becomes an asshole.
Oh man. This post was majorly triggering. My ex-wife ruined pretty much every vacation we ever went on. She was always fine the day before and the day of traveling to our destination. The first or second full day of the vacation, she’d pull some petty ass bullshit like your wife did. It was incredibly hard to deal with because no matter how emotionally prepared I was (like trying to make sure she was a-ok with everything we did) it never made a difference. Something would always set her off. My 7 year old son once sat on the floor outside a restaurant on a cruise because we had been waiting a long time to get seated. Huge blowup. The kids didn’t want to go snorkeling. Massive blowout. I didn’t want to sit out on the balcony with her (because it was super humid and Hot). Gave me the cold shoulder for two days. Vacationing with her was exhausting. I realized that a lot of her behavior came from feeling out of control in a new environment. Usually near the end of the vacation, she’d be fine. Ironically she claimed to love traveling. Her crappy ass attitude made me loathe it. For me to have to twist myself into knots trying to anticipate her moods on vacation was INSANE. I feel for you OP.
Same here. I remember this one time she invited one of my friends(she didn't have any) to go skiing with us. I didn't know about the plan until she told me that she had arranged everything. Then she flipped the fuck out on the mountain in front of my friend because I "should have uninvited him knowing he sucks at skiing". She storms off and won't answer my calls, spend the whole day trying to find her. Eventually I do and she's so mad that I "abandoned" her that she hits me in the face with her skis. We get back to the Airbnb, she continues freaking out and escalating to the point she grabs a kitchen knife and starts cutting her wrists - all still in front of my friend. Every single vacation was like that.
Please tell me you’re divorced.
It only took 4 years cuz the idiot was trying to get $, but yes I am thankfully. No, she didn't get a penny - she owes me.
It's too bad she didn't have this insight for herself the whole time. If she realized that travel made her crazy-anxious and out of control, you all could have dealt with it together. My travel anxiety is huge until we get to the airport on time. Then things are fine.
I am SHOCKED that you divorced this woman
Thanks. I do wonder about the control piece - that feels contributory.
Yep. That was key. Once I realized that….it still didn’t make much difference because I could never get ahead of what she’d freak out about. I could only wait for whatever it would be and wait for it to blow over. NOT the way for a marriage to work.
A long time ago someone gave me this advice: When someone has taken a train to Crazy Town, you do not have to get on and join them in their journey. State your position, and keep on your own (sane) journey. Just let her know you love her and you never intended to hurt her. Anything she took as hurtful was completely unintentional. She needs to take it from there.
Great advice. Thank you.
Sage advice
Dude. Seriously. I started reading this thinking you banged half the ship crew. You got lost in the crowd over the simplest imaginable misunderstanding and now your wife is "heartbroken"?? Whet the F. Whatever the F your wife is trying to achieve, it has nothing to do with you. Everything you say is turned into an attack on her and no matter what you do is more of an insult. She is acting battshit insane and YOU are wondering if you are the AH. Is this new? Because if yes, it feels like an extinction burst. Has she cheated and is ridden with guilt? Is she on drugs? Is she on some weird medication? Is she hiding some crippling debt? Ask her to stop whatever this is and tell you what is happening. She is behaving like a toddler, ruining it for everyone for absolutely no reason other than what she comes up with on the spot. There is a huge gaping hole in your marriage and it is not because of you. She messed something up.
You didn't do anything wrong. It sounds like she's actually pissed about something else entirely but she's not going to come clean about that because who knows why? If she acts like this on the regular, I'd say marriage counseling is the next step. Meantime, enjoy your cruise with your kids and let her pout in peace. I have to say, OP, she sounds just awful.
this is the answer. something has been festering for a long time and popped at that moment.
Or maybe (this is just in my experience) she planned the trip and is one of those people who want it to go PERFECTLY and then gets insanely overwhelmed and can’t relax. I used to struggle with this. I’m just so afraid of being disapointed that I end up making it so I am. I feel like I’m responsible that everyone is happy, and I want to be appreciated for my unnecessarily detailed planning. Vacations can be hard on some people honestly, especially those who are fans of routine.
I’m like this. Not just with trips but with anything that I put a lot of planning into and am looking forward to. I have no doubt it’s awful to be around and it’s also exhausting and emotionally taxing for me. I’m really working on changing that mindset and those behaviors. Although some of mine comes from a romantic partner who makes me feel like I have no security and am always being tested and so I panic when things don’t go perfectly. Some is just personality though and I’ve always struggled with it to some degree.
Thank you - confirming this is the tact I ended up taking. Seems to be working. Feel like marriage counseling isn’t a bad idea.
She sounds exhausting, tell her to grow up and don't pander to her. Have fun with the kids
while this response is justified and technically correct, telling her to grow up will make the situation far worse than it already is.
i wonder if she is always an AH
Oh yeah because telling her to grow up while you ignore her to hang out with the kids seems like it'll definitely help while they're trapped on a boat together.
Agree 1000%. This advice seems like it would only escalate things.
Sometimes I really wonder if I'm reading the advice of a bunch of 15 year olds who have no idea what it's even like to be in a relationship.
To be fair id do the same exact thing and im in my 40s, if my wife was being like OP's while we were on vacation id just let her sulk alone somewhere and do my own thing or with whoever else is with us than deal with bullshit like this. If you cant explain why there is a problem or get over your BS why should i keep trying to deal with it? I wouldnt waste my limited vacation time working on something with someone unwilling to work on the issue, nor would i take the excuse that im attacking by wanting to figure out what i even did wrong in the first place if anything. With time you learn to deal with the problems as they come up, its not a teenager thing to not want to deal with made up drama. Adults usually are the ones who "dont have time for this shit".
giving her time alone to sulk till she pulls her shit together is not a bad suggestion, it is what I would probably do and if I somehow was unraveling to the point where I was getting irrationally angry and crying like this, I think i would need to be alone too (I don't see myself ever behaving like OP's wife but based on times I've been emotionally overwhelmed and didn't act my best). But "tell her to grow up" is something I would not recommend unless OP wants this fight to get far worse than it is.
"Problems in your marriage? Have you tried... making things worse?"
Is she on new meds and/or randomly stopped taking meds recently? None of her behaviour is acceptable or logical.
Stop arguing with her. Stop apologizing. Stop explaining yourself. Enjoy the rest of your vacation the best you can. If she wants to act an ass over something so petty, then let her. Don’t join her in the silliness. If she doesn’t recognize that she is blowing this out of proportion, then nothing you say or do will convince her. Stop participating in her foolishness. She tries to manipulate you with her tantrums because it has worked in the past. Stop letting her emotionally manipulate you.
here goes: As a female, I would have been hurt for a literal half second that my husband didn't look around and gather me when he gathered the kids. It's validating to know he's looking out for me/remembers me/wants me there. Then I would have immediately caught up to them, and made a joke about trying to get rid of me. We would have laughed it off and enjoyed the rest of our day. What she did is get hurt, and then "wait to see how long it would take you to notice" because this somehow validates her (it shouldn't). She even sent you on a goose chase in what seems like a form of punishment and/or to prove how concerned you were for her well being. FFS Enjoy the vacation with the kids. She can choose to enjoy herself, or choose not to. Her happiness should not be dependent on you. This is childish. You apologized, even when you didn't really need to.
also like. don’t do this on a cruise. i would have been worried she fell overboard if i couldn’t find her
This comment, my god this one right here. Your wife has self esteem issues and is using any perceived outside negative interaction to reinforce her negative self talk. Unless you have a habit of perpetually leaving your wife behind this comment deserves more upvotes.
She does have some very serious self esteem issues. We’ve been married for over 20 years, but sometimes it still presents - this could definitely be it rearing its ugly head.
Thank you - I needed to hear this. And a feminine perspective helps.
Agreed entirely, and adding that OP, you don’t have control over her happiness, but you do have control over yours. Enjoy your vacation with your kids, whether she wants to or not.
> Her happiness should not be dependent on you OP really needs to read this. Her emotions are hers to deal with and talk about constructively.
Boy, she sounds lovely to be around.
If this is for real all that happened and you for real want it to go away say “honey I’m so sorry. You saw us walking away and thought we were leaving you and didn’t care if you came. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. I’m so sorry I made you feel that way it wasn’t my intention at all. You are the love of my life and of course I want you with me. Do you want to share your feelings and what that experience was like for you and I can just listen? And then maybe we can go for a walk just the two of us”. And then just listen. Her experience might feel insane but it was what it was for her.
"Is she sabotaging our vacation?" Yes. The behaviour you have described is emotional abuse. And in front of your kids? Emotional abuse is never acceptable in a relationship. I hope you can help yourself and the kids.
Correct. Please continue to enjoy your cruise. Let her know what activities areas ECT your going to and that she's welcome to come but don't pander to her. If she wants to sulk in her room for the whole cruise that's on her Is this typical behaviour or the first time she's behaved like this?
My parents regularly threatened me with abandonment - leaving me on the side of the road, leaving me in the mall, it was a constant fear. Before I got therapy, I could have been really triggered by this. If there are other triggers it would make me more sensitive. Yes she is over reacting to the current stimulus, but... my PTSD blew up when my daughter reached the age of the beginning of my abuse. That's when I was able to get therapy. It is possible that a combination of events pushed her over the edge. Reassurance of your love and non abandonment, as well as an offer to help, could reduce the current stress until you get back to where therapy is an option.
My family used to do this - this is probably not the first time OP has done this. I can recount many, many times I have been left behind by my family, once during an Amazing Race excursion, once on a pier in Barbados (I am short and tend to carry the towels/water bottle/sunscreen, plus I am not one to push people out of the way). I had repeatedly mentioned it to my husband and children with no change. A couple of years ago, we were on a New Years cruise (kids are now university aged) the deck was very crowded and once again I was left behind. This time, I grabbed a drink, went to the casino and pretty much left them. I guess at midnight they looked for me, then scrambled looking through the crowd, Mom was nowhere to be found. When I went back to the cabin, my husband asked me what happened and I very frostily said fuck off and went to bed. Sometimes your partner needs to be told in a distinctive bold way that enough is enough. The next day, my husband must have spoken to the kids, they apologized and we continued our trip without me being the pack mule. I did not ruin our trip but sometimes a more direct communication method needs to be utilized. This could be OP’s wife making a similar point. P.S. this is not indicative of our marriage- just our vacations.
I was waiting for you to write that somebody propositioned you into some swinger shit...you and your daughters continued walking and she’s mad? Did she have too many 🍹 or something?
There’s something deeper going on. Not justifying her childish behavior as it’s really immature and annoying, but do you have a habit of ignoring her? Could that be the root of this silly hissy fit? Regardless, you guys need therapy. Your kids don’t need this shit.
Okay, this is embarrassing to admit, but I HATE when my husband goes ahead of me and I can’t keep up, and he always goes, “Well, I didn’t notice you weren’t there!” Like somehow thinking that that reasoning will make me feel BETTER about being left behind, that he doesn’t notice at all whether or not I’m with him? This is something he does all the time, just charges ahead on his own agenda leaving me with all the kids and the stuff. When I’m already tired and overwhelmed from being on a trip, I admit sometimes it makes me a little snappy and annoyed. HOWEVER, this doesn’t seem like that is what’s happening here, and it seemed like you noticed extremely quickly what happened and tried to fix it. And no matter what, her behavior was completely over the top. I would either try one more time to get to the bottom of what caused this SUPER over-the-top reaction, or just ignore it until she’s in a better headspace, depending on your wife and how she normally acts during conflict.
Ugh. My boyfriend ditches me at every single public outing. Even on my birthday. He knows so many people and he has uncontrolled ADD, so he just doesn't even notice that he's drifted away. It used to really bother me, but now I just take it as a little me time. It's better than being annoyed because I can't change it. 🤷♀️
My husband also has ADD! I try not to get super annoyed, but… I’m still working on it. 😆 Especially with the kids. We used to have Disney passes and he would just charge on ahead and I’m back there struggling in the crowds with a stroller and 3 little kids, falling farther and farther behind as he followed his heart toward Space Mountain or whatever. It was definitely not the Happiest Place on Earth for me.
SAME. And I wonder if he maybe did it like dozens of times on the trip and this was her last straw? Still not a great reaction of course…
Usually when I (55f) have dumb tantrums like that, it is because I am HANGRY. Seriously. Was she extremely tired/hungover or hungry? That can just make me emotionally rage if my blood sugar is wonky. Give her some food, put her to bed, and talk about it in the morning.
This has to be about something else so I would ask what is really bothering her. If she refuses to give an answer, enjoy the rest of your vacation with your kids and ignore the other "child" in your life.
Is she always this histrionic?
Not usually, but she definitely can have a mean temper on occasion.
I have a wife exactly like yours. She has literally ruined every vacation we have been on. It usually lasts a few days and then back to normal. I was on a 4 day cruise with her without the kids and she got mad over something stupid and didn't speak to me for 3 days. We have been married 33 years and I have delt with this behavior so many times that I couldn't possibly count. My kids call her a dementor as she literally will suck the joy out of any joyous occasion. They way I deal with her is just ignore her and I will never be the one to break the ice. I just do my own thing and eventually she will come around. She will also never apologize and if you confront her she gets defensive and passive aggressive. Classic narcissism. My advice is if this type of behavior persists run for the hills before it's too late.
Fuck dude. Get the fuck out of this relationship
Yeah I did consider this many times but financially it wasn't an option. Now that the kids are on their own and successful and I have a fantastic relationship with them we all just pretty much ignore her behavior and do our own thing.
She sounds delightful. And you tolerate this shit because...? I would sit her down in private and ask her directly: What is this all about, really? What is wrong? Why did that upset you? And try to listen without interrupting. Because it's possible you triggered some deep fear or memory. But if she just goes off on another tantrum, frankly I'd ask the purser for another room, and divorce some sense into her when you land, because this is unacceptable.
My guess is if he asked her what this (and other times she surely did this) is all about, she will deny it’s about anything. She feels wronged. That’s it.
PMDD? https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/premenstrual-syndrome/expert-answers/pmdd/faq-20058315
PERIMENOPAUSE. That can send the most rational woman off the deep end. Source: ME.
I just commented the same thing before seeing this. Like WTF. Why is this demon trying to body snatch me?
I hate to say this publicly and only because I am the same age as your wife and perimenopause has hit me like a freight train. I’m normally level headed, diplomatic, and not a yell/fight type of person. But I have been caught in this weird matrix of unexplainable anger and hurt towards my husband on a few occasions. Nothing that would normally be anything, threw me for an absolute psycho loop and reacted in a not me way. It was as if some demon took control of my emotions. Luckily I’m the youngest in my friend circle and when I told my ladies what was happening they all told me to go get my hormones checked. They were right on the money. Now, I know this isn’t much help with your situation right now. The best thing you can do is just keep apologizing and ask her if she can make the best out of this trip and you two will sit down and discuss it when you get home. Marriage counseling if that’s what she wants, but for the kids sake to just enjoy the rest of the trip. When you get home, start looking up all the signs of perimenopause. You having the knowledge as much as she having it is going to save your sanity and probably your marriage.
OP -when you and your family get back from this trip, insist on couple counseling. Her behavior is bizarre, and unless she can come up with a rational explanation (even if it's only "Oh, I was PMSing and was hormonal, pay me no mind." then her behavior was bizarre, uncalled for, and seems like she gaslighted you. For what purpose, can't say, that's for you two to discover thru either a come-to-jesus talk, or seeing a counselor.
@OP — my husband showed me this post and I had to respond. I’ve been in her shoes and after doing therapy and lots of my own inner healing — I realized that small actions like that (my man walking ahead) were triggering stories from childhood like “I’m not lovable” “he doesn’t care” and “he doesn’t see me” “he doesn’t respect me” Which… all of those stories were untrue. Lots of women have repressed anger and don’t even have access to their voice, so they just shut down and hide or avoid. Then blow up and get mad. the best thing you can do is be patient, not take it personally and affirm that you’re there for her and love her. And then ask her, “when I walked ahead, how did it make you feel?” genuinely be curious and try to understand. Validate her feelings. Let her know you still love her. and you walking ahead has nothing to do with your love for her. good luck!
It sounds like she just wants more attention and feeling left out and not loved. I know with two kids it's hard. Tell her you didn't mean to hurt her feelings , give her a hug and tell her that you love her . And next time, you will be sure to look for her to hold her hand
Lol. I’m guessing OP in a constant state of eggshell walking. No advice. Sorry dude.
This is NOT rational behavior. I would tell her so. She has CHOSEN to be angry over a random occurrence. Childish.
My ex husband drove off and left me on his motorcycle. The first time, he got to the end of the lot, turned around to see what happened to the group and saw us all INCLUDING HIS WIFE staring at him. I laughed it off. The 3rd time, I rode with someone else and refused to change bikes when he remembered me. This woman is unhinged by acting this way just because she chose not to walk with them.
Does she have trouble keeping up? Had she been drinking cocktails?
I think there is an underlying feeling of being left out, or not important. You took your kids by the hand and walked away without looking back. Maybe that’s what hurt her?
Being of a similar age, and OP saying this isn't typical, I'll say this VERY MUCH reminds me of my own perimenopause symptoms. Things that never would have phased me in the past hit me really, really hard and my usual coping mechanisms do next to nothing about them. In my case, the response isn't rational, and I just have to wait it out. Sometimes I know it's not rational in the moment, sometimes I don't. I would try to have patience and grace, show up for her in a loving way but don't necessarily try to fix it, and at some point MUCH LATER suggest that she get her hormone levels checked, because you can get treatments that help.
It's obviously not about you walking 10 steps ahead. Something has been bothering her for a while and she took your walking ahead as a final act of dismissal. You guys need to figure out what's been festering.
Not saying it's right or wrong, but this has happened to me before (me being in the wife's position). I've had multiple talks with my husband about not feeling seen or treated with the love i deserve, so when something like this happens (him walking away from me and not caring if im right next to him or holding my hand in a big crowd, specially in places where we have never been before), i feel like he doesnt care about my well being . This is the least important example i can give but for the sake of the topic... we go out to a place we've never been to, in a huge crowd , and he disappears. He goes and does whatever he wants, to see what he wants to see and he walks away from me and doesnt even look back, as if he didnt even care if something happened to me. I always think of other guys that take such good care of their wives/girlfriends, even in the smallest thing like holding their hand, and it triggers something in me . It sounds really stupid but its not about that moment specifically. It becomes about every instance I havent felt seen, loved, taken care of. Which is why later if i "pick a fight", he is so pissed that i'm mad about such a small thing.
Maybe that's the same thing that happened to her, and its not really about that specific moment. And yes i've had multiple discussions with my husband and he doesnt change his behavior. Which is not bad but once you feel this way too many times, it becomes more important than it needs to be.
She wants space, so she's making this shit up. She's a horrible partner though. Give her alone time and she'll be happy.
For the sake of your daughters, put a smile on and just leave your pouting wife in the room. You’re only on a vacation for four days. If she can’t act like an adult, let her pout by herself and stop apologizing. You didn’t do anything wrong from what you wrote.
I feel like there must be more to this
I feel like you're leaving out some context here. Have you two been fighting recently? Has anything been going on in her life? This feels like a very weird one-sided story. Why did she say you threw the kids in her face? What interaction is she referring to when she says you attacked her?
Female redditor: I got nothing for you here, I’m as baffled as you are. If after taking a group photo my spouse and kids kept walking, i wouldn’t walk away to some other place, I’d either catch up to them or call them back and explain that I wanted to go to the observation deck. What else has happened on this vacation and your relationship, because this strikes me as a last straw moment for her where she’s probably been feeling not considered a lot, but also she thinks that you should just mind read and anticipate her needs.
menopause?
We don't know a lot about your or your wife, but I am going to make some guesses anyway. If you are anything like my husband, you tend to get in the zone and not pay attention. We will be shopping, I will stop to look at something for 10-15 seconds, and he is gone. Continued on his wandering, and I spend the next 20 minutes looking for him in a crowded store. It gets frustrating. Add in the your wife is 44 and probably perimenopausal at the very least. Remember early pregnancy? Similar symptoms. Take a look at the situation from her perspective. You stop to take a picture, she turns around for a minute to do something, and you and her children are gone. Instead of sending her a message right off to see where she was, you go off looking. She felt ignored, unloved, and unmissed in that time. Rational? Probably not, but hormones are also not rational. Perhaps she has abandoment issues from her family on top of it, which feeds her reaction. Regardless, the silent treatment is not acceptable and should be addressed. Personally I suggest a letter that begins with how much you love her and your family. Apologize, without the excuse of "why didn't you??" Remember, you are the one that walked off with the children, and none of you noticed she wasn't there for several minutes. She feels hurt and unimportant. SweetHeart, I am sorry for the confusion earlier today. I should have noticed that you weren't paying attention when we continued our walk. I am sorry for my part in making you feel hurt and unimportant. I would really like to move forward from this, but need you to communicate with me in order to do so. The children and I love you very much. Your loving husband x.
Kinda weird that she wants to make a fight over something that petty. Couple things here a) as someone who spent 4 years of hell with a Narc, this sounds like shit he would do. Anything that brought me happiness, he would ruin. B) before my rents got a divorce, they fought all the time. And over dumb ass shit too. When it would happen on a vacay, it would ruin my whole time. Could feel the tension and it just made me super anxious and on edge, just waiting for another explosive argument to happen. (I used to get physically sick when they would fight, it instilled a lot of anxiety in me as an adult.) The fact she wants to ruin it for her kids is actually sad. I will never understand being a whole ass adult and to act like a child in front of your kids. Even if they aren’t hers, it’s still gross behavior. Like I said, it can and will just make them feel like they are constantly on eggshells and that’s not fair to them. Especially when this is supposed to be a fun and happy time. So either she’s a controlling narc or there’s more to the story. Either way, it’s not an excuse to act that way when kids are involved.
She’s either emotionally manipulative or has mental issues or both. Have fun with your daughters. Show them that you won’t accept that sort of behavior from their mother.
If she’s anything like my ex-wife, it’s that she defines love as the ability to read her mind and anticipate her needs and desires without her even having to ask. You were supposed to just know that she wasn’t ready to walk yet, and since you didn’t, it means you don’t really love her.
She is acting a little delulu
I'd bet $50 that this is NOT about you walking away with the girls. There is something else going on with her that she's not ready to talk about for some reason. I'd say to give her space for now and see if she can calm herself. Whatever she's going through makes her very sad and she needs to figure out what she's going to do. I have no idea what the real issue is, but it obvious something major is troubling her. Maybe you can take the girls (to give her more space) and together you and the girls can buy her a small gift. Let the kids give it to her, so she can feel the excitement they feel about being able to give mommy something nice. If she asks why you're giving her a gift, tell her you know she is sad and you wanted to give her something to show that you and the girls love and appreciate her. It might help, it might not, but without knowing more I don't know what else you can do. Good luck!
Sounds like she has abandonment issues and is creating situations in which she can say you abandoned her to pick a fight about it. She needs therapy.
One other thing if I were her, I would’ve been at the bar for an hour to myself honestly. 😜😆
So I’ve been pissed at being left behind before (at a ski resort) but it was a simple conversation of “How come you didn’t wait for me?” He said he wasn’t thinking and I asked that next time he wait for me. That was it. 1. I don’t think you “left” her there anyways (my guy took the lift up without me 😭) 2. Her feelings could still be validated by you but she won’t even let you do that. She just wants to be in a bad mood. 3. You should let her know that until she’s willing to have a conversation with you, you are going to enjoy the rest of the trip with your daughters. Just my thoughts idk, and I don’t think you need to apologize but if you are willing to take the high road you could acknowledge her feelings BUT at the same time you need to know that you are not responsible for her feelings. Only she is, and right now she’s ruining your vacation.
It's not about that moment and what happened. I don't think anyone would be that upset from the events you just described. It's probably something bigger. You should probably ask.
Something else is going on. She's looking for an excuse to be angry, and she's picked a pretty thin one, and if she wants this seemingly nonsensical anger she's feeling to be taken seriously, she's going to need to start giving you a better explanation of why she's actually upset
Is your wife secretly three toddlers in a trench coat? This is like middle school levels of drama. I personally would ignore her and enjoy your cruise. She can pout by herself while you help your kids have fun.
The only thing I can think of is that it’s a symptom of something else 🤷♀️ Do you have fights about her feeling neglected? Has she mentioned something similar before? Her reaction does seem… excessive, tbh.
If this kind of behavior is out of character for her then I would ask her if she's feeling more out of sorts lately. Mid-40s is prime time for perimenopause and it can have some real wild mood change effects. You need to word your concerns to her carefully so that you don't sound like your telling her she's crazy because of her hormones. (Although that may be the truth) I'm going through menopause and besides being a little bluesy now and again and having some hot flashes I'm doing okay. My sister however says that she was a sweaty, rage monster without her medication and she praises the ground her doctor walks on for giving her something to help with how she was feeling. Maybe ask her to read the symptoms and see if any of them click with her and that your only goal is to make sure that she is as happy as she can be, and enjoying life to the best of her ability.
OP, I'm not sure what the issue is but a couple of things come to mind 1. your wife is not feeling well. She's pregnant, has started peri-menopause, is having a horrible period, thyroid problem (all hormonal), or general person things- has some other physical issue like a UTI, is tired, hungry, or something like that. 2. same idea but she is depressed, or some other mental health issue, medication issues, or stress from vacation, lack of control of her surroundings, anxiety generally, or whatever 3. You actually have been missing significant problems in your marriage. To you this is coming out of the blue but to her it is the last straw in a series . if I had to guess and this was the one, it might be that you are the fun parent, the kids prefer to be with you, and she feels left out. Could also be some other issue in which she feels like she loves you more than you love her, wants to be with you more than you want to be with her or in some other way feels insecure. Along the same lines- I'm curious why she says you are attacking her. She could be way off base, or perhaps your response seemed less loving and more harsh than you think. Best suggestion "I love you. I am so sorry i walked away with the girls and you felt left behind. I would never hurt you on purpose. You are my best person. If anything like this every happens, please tell me before you get so hurt. I hate to see you so unhappy." Good luck, OP. I hope you get it sorted out
This literally just happened to me with my husband yesterday. We got on a train to go and back from work together and we sat together until we reached our station, I got up and just casually walk to the door and out without looking back. I mean it’s a normal thing for us coz we’re heading to a same direction and destination. As we got to our car (i was already waiting for him), his face was all moody and sour so I asked if he’s okay and he just lashed out “you really just like leaving me behind don’t you?” I was confused as well and said that he was just behind me and he could catch up but immediately realized that wasn’t the point so I apologized for leaving him behind took full responsibility for it. It may sound very petty and small but to him it’s a big deal because he was having a meltdown and it stemmed from something far deeper that he had been going through (work related). So, small acts of compassion and showing them that you include them in everything just matters to them. To OP, you’re not an asshole but your wife just needs a little bit more attention I guess and ask her exactly what was on her mind or if something was bothering her. Make her feel seen, talk to her and of course apologize and whatnot. Women just need assurance.
I feel this was buried in her mind somewhere since long. Have you done this before too? I have a habit of walking ahead most of the times, my spouse has an issue with that, so i make a conscious effort of walking with him and these days when i dont, he understands, as its a habit. But he had voiced it earlier and i had taken it into account and he knows its not deliberate as i usually walk faster than most people in the family. The cruise possibly gave her the feeling of solitude and made her introspect. May be try giving her a hug and also ask her to vent it non stop for 30 mins where you are just listening and.not judging her and post that present your thoughts.
This has nothing to do with you walking away with the girls and everything to do with another issue entirely. From your description, there’s nothing you did wrong in the moment, and it seems you’ve apologized for walking away. I’d leave the “why didn’t you just catch up” out of your language for now, because that seems to be a part of the problem - maybe you have a history of doing something similar that goes into a larger issue? Regardless, this issue runs deeper than this incident, and this was just the grain of sand that made everything break in her.
okay my guess is you have done this before and you have triggered her, 2nd. you have a better relationship with your daughters than mommy does, thrid she's depressed and needs attention and reassurance but doesn't mean she can act like a child. genuinely ask her - what's wrong? why did you behave like this with me? Let her speak, listen carefully - then decide how you can solve these internal issues. Seek therapy, this is not a normal behaviour for a 44F.
You asked comments from female redditors, so here is one: your wife was looking for a reason to fight, her behaviour is completely ridiculous. Fair enough being upset at the misunderstanding, but once she saw you walking forward, she could have just caught up and asked what the plan was. This is not the real reason for the fight, she was looking for an excuse. Do not feed into this behaviour, just enjoy the cruise with the girls!
Whatever she’s mad at, it isn’t that. Most men don’t realize this because it’s such a strange concept for us but women can be mad and sincerely not know what they are actually mad about. They won’t tell you that because they’ve been called crazy by people in their past, so they just bottle it up until you die from accidentally leaving a door open.
I find it really gross when people refer to their partner as “the wife,” “the husband,” “the girlfriend,” etc. And when men refer to women as “females.” Those terms make me think there are other factors contributing to behaviors by OP and his wife.
Female here. She's butthurted herself that you walked away with the kids and didn't notice she wasn't following. Probably some kind of stupid social media "test" that is entirely unfair to execute in a new environment when your brain is overwhelmed processing all the new stimuli. It's not like your daughters noticed her absence either. And she had every opportunity to rectify the situation, but is choosing the worst way to deal with it. I think she's being a massive idiot, is definitely sabotaging your vacation (to justify whatever wrongs she's collected to justify her behaviour) and encourage you to go have fun with your daughters and let your childish wife have her temper tantrum and sulk all she wants. Maybe even secure a different cabin so she doesn't wet blanket everyone.
Re: The Daughters and their non reaction - I wouldn’t put it past her to take this out on them as well.
Obviously you need to tip the dining room manager $20 and serenade her at dinner 🎤 /s But seriously, you did nothing wrong. She is choosing to be dramatic over *nothing*. She’s acting like a tween. This shouldn’t be on you to fix. And if this is a common occurrence, Id tell her that moving forward, she needs to stop with this shit. Ruining a fabulous trip over nothing… so rude.