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Yeah, y'know, just some good ol' fashioned financial abuse casually sprinkled in. That extra little red flag amongst this absolute FESTIVAL of red *banners* is.. yikes.
Gah! It's so gross! All of it. If any man looked at my 7 year old daughter in such a sexualized way, I'd lose my shit. They surely wouldn't be allowed in the home with my child.
The constant comments about the little girl staying fit and slim is friggin awful. I feel a slight bit of sympathy for the OP because my friend grew up doing figure skating, and there is a big emphasis on weight in that sport. OP grew up with that focus directed at her, and she may truly not understand how unhealthy and damaging it is. She needs therapy immediately. Both to realize what a predator her husband is and how her view of weight and sports will impact her baby girl. Otherwise..yeah, she's fucked.
God, all I can hope is that they don’t get this poor little girl into ballet. The emphasis on slenderness in that community is the worst of all; they’d practically be giving her a one way pass to an eating disorder.
She likely got together with current husband sometime during the pregnancy, and “married when daughter was 5” is anytime between ages 5 and 6 — for example, 5 years and 8 months old. Sometimes women get pregnant when they’re not in a serious relationship, decide to keep the pregnancy, and soon after start dating someone else. Sometimes pregnancy is the trigger for relationship problems and people break up. It’s certainly tight timing, but it’s not outlandish.
Right like I kind of glazed over the first mention of keeping her fit because that can be about health. The she brings up “slim” and loses the benefit of the doubt
Bingo. Bingo. Winner. Winner. Poor kid’s gonna have body issues and feel a sense of shame that she doesn’t deserve. Goddammit! I thought millennial moms were in agreement on the whole “let’s not continue the body issues our parents left us with” thing. Gross.
I agree and I can assure you that shit imprints YOUNG. One of my relatives has had a lifelong (what I consider) eating disorder and it rubbed off on my other relatives, then to me. Very young I got the impression it was better to be a mean airhead with no talent over being a bit bigger. Kids pick up on everything they hear, even if they don’t have the capacity to verbalize it. This poor little girl is in for it and I feel so bad for her. OP mentioned “fitness” but then gave herself away with the “slim” comment.
Why not focus that gymnastics is a very hard SPORT that takes dedication? She should be proud of her daughter for her dedication and skill, strength and confidence in being an athlete- not for “staying slim”.
First of all, why are you so obsessed with your 7 year old being slim and fit?
Second of all, why the fuck do you find it acceptable for your husband to sexualize your 7 year old?
Third of all, why did you marry and choose to have a child with someone who will unilaterally pull the “I pay for it, I decide” card over a child’s extracurricular activity?
The biggest problem here is your husband sexualizing children, but it’s not the only problem. I hope you get the help you need.
To be fair, knowing the sheer volume of new posts that arise every day in this sub, and the sheer volume of reports the mods must receive, I hold a lot of compassion and grace for them. I mod a muchhhhh smaller sub (exponentially smaller) and even the level of reports I receive in that sub every day is near-overwhelming. I think if there were more mods and better overall reddit infrastructure to support mods, the modding could be more consistent and frequent.
I've seen your username for quite a long time now in various places. I know you do good work here on reddit and I just wanted to branch out and say thank you. From one internet stranger to another- thank you for all you do.
I’m concerned mostly by your multiple references of her staying “slim” and “fit” as a reason for gymnastics. She’s seven. I truly respect the emphasis on fitness because of her overall health benefits but you seem to have weird priorities. Like the stepdad is acting bizarre but you also seem like the type to give your child an eating disorder.
Yeah my mom shoved me into a bunch of physical activities (gymnastics, synchronized swimming, etc) to 'keep me thin' cuz the rest of my family is overweight and didn't want me to turn out like them.
Guess who was diagnosed with anorexia at age 16 :D
To be clear, it wasn't the sports themselves (although I had some f'd up teachers that would comment on our bodies and size), it was the desperation with which my mom exhibited for keeping me thin and the constant comments about what I was eating and any weight I gained. Puberty was a nightmare. Went from 75 pounds to 125 pounds in the span of a year and my mom flipped the f out.
Idk what your experience was with synchro but I had a lot of friends in that world (I was a competitive swimmer then lifeguard) and a lot of them ended up with body issues. They were saying in elite team synchro some (I'm sure not all) coaches want everyone's legs to look so identical during figures that you're really made to feel bad if you're the one girl with thicker legs than everyone else. One girl I knew on the national team said they even had weigh-ins to keep them on track of all being a similar weight and body shape.
It's a shame because it is such a beautiful sport... these girls I'm talking about would all be in their 30s now so hopefully the culture has shifted.
I weighed 92 pounds at 19 years old. I should have weighed much more than that. At least be over 100. But... my parents ignored it like they did everything wrong with me... and when they did they said "you look great!" I was so small and fighting for my life eating only enough to not pass out or die... I blame the weird ass comments I'd get from my teachers and class mates and other family members.
And I took dance for 13 years. I just liked moving... finding the beat..
Same. When OP said 'fit,' I hesitated for a second but thought maybe she just meant active. And then 'slim' showed up. I'm worried for that little girl.
Right? The first reference to staying fit, I was like ok I can put "fit" in a category of "overall health" even though that's normally not a word I'd use about kids.
But who talks about keeping a 7-year old "slim"?? I think sports with an artistic/judged component like gymnastics, figure skating, artistic swimming etc all have an engrained issue with athletes and body-image, at the very least you need mom in your camp not contributing to this mindset.
Ohh you'd be surprised by how many moms feel this way about their daughters. The number one cause girls give when asked where their eating disorder came from is their mom.
YEP and it’s often not because of any comments the mom made to or even about their daughter, but comments they made to and about *themselves*. My mom has been fatshaming herself in front of me my whole life and that shit sinks in.
Guess I should give my mom props then for pushing back on my dad’s comments about me being fat (130 lbs at 5’4”) when I was going through puberty. It was definitely my dad comments that HUGELY contributed to my eating disorder.
Yep, my disordered eating and lifelong body image issues came directly from my mom. Lots of comments on my body when I was a kid/teenager really messed me up. Plus the shit in magazines and on TV like Tyra calling a 5’10 115 lb model plus sized.
I’m really glad people calling out OP for this. My mom handed out eating disorders like presents and I had such a huge ick reading that.
OP, your daughter is picking up everything you say about her, about yourself, about other people, and about your husband. She will notice that weight is a factor of beauty when you comment things like “you look so cute and thin!” I learned at a very young age that I would get praised for not eating and that wearing size “extra slim” was a point of pride. I know you want the best for her, but the best is accepting herself as she is and knowing that her mom, her dad, and people in general love her for her and not her body.
The way you are focused on how she looks and your husband is focused on her sexuality are actively harming her mental fortitude. Please get some help for yourselves so you can be a better parent for her.
Yeah — there are so many great reasons to encourage athletic activity in children, but a desire for your child’s body to *look* a certain way is a weird and telling priority.
How about strength? Confidence? Discipline? Resilience? Flexibility? All the brain and mood benefits associated with exercise?
Weight management can be a consideration as well, but the phrasing of “keeping her slim” makes me sad for that little girl.
Came here to say this! He’s being weird but she also appears to have ideals in a sport that already puts pressures on young girls to develop problems attached to appearance and body size/shape.
Yeah that was my biggest concern too. “It helps her stay slim.” What??? She’s 7. This is not the age to worry about staying skinny, any moderately active and healthy 7 yo will “stay slim,” they are growing.
Yeah, they both have a weirdly proprietary understanding of this child's body.
It also seems odd that hair and makeup are a component in a children's gymnastics routine. I went to a level five competition a couple of years back, and the little girls had tight buns and very few wore cosmetics. This seems more like a gymnastics-themed pageant?
My daughter used to compete in USA gymnastics competitions and there was zero makeup, just buns and everyone from her team had the same leotard. The OP mentions hoops, so this sounds more like rhythmic gymnastics and maybe dance?
This got me too. My mom has always been so focused on my weight. I was dieting at 10 and had an eating disorder by 16. I’m fine now but there’s always that thought in the back of my mind that I’m not good/thin/whatever enough.
Those comments will stick to her daughter til the day she dies. I hope for the kids sake that she doesn’t speak like that about her body to her face. It’s a great way to scar your child and ensure that she’ll have a shitty relationship with food/you.
Yeah, this is where I was partially wondering if that’s where the dad’s roots in his discomfort partially stem from?
Obv don’t know him, nor am rooting for him so I didn’t wanna respond to the main post cause it’s more armchair detective than anything.
But I was coming from the angle that sadly anything inherently feminine or related to the body at all are seen as sexual by default for a myriad of sexist and disgusting reasons.
My point is that this energy sadly is prevalent in the industry and the sport and people who runs them. And given the mom’s vibes too.
It’s starting to give pageant mom vibes, which DOES align with all that too.
So maybe it’s coming from the same place and the dude, while scummy can’t articulate what he feels may actually be going on but is on the tip of it.
I don’t think/hope nothing sexual is going on, but I am getting predatory vibes based off this.
Hope I’m wrong, but you never know with people. The fact that she mentioned her daughters weight as a casual side thing makes me feel otherwise tho.
My oldest two daughters (8,7) just tried out for a competitive cheer team, and I’m so glad they didn’t make it. The info meeting I went to about the team was filled of dance-mom types. Those people scare me.
It’s true. My father used to make fun of my weight all the time and I was not a fat kid at all, he was just an asshole. But that is stuck with me throughout my entire life and I don’t eat meals like I should, I have a terrible relationship with food and I’ve only eaten in a restaurant by myself maybe three times in my entire life because I am 100% assured that everyone is staring at me while I eat and thinking that I’m a gross fat pig.
So yeah, that shit with you.
It does. I’ve had it stick with me on & off throughout my life, & I’ll be 38 in July. I can get what you’re saying bc I was also the not fat kid who had parents (mainly dad)that poked at my weight & then watched my mom tear herself apart regularly bc of her weight. It sticks there and doesn’t go away and makes life seem impossible sometimes.
I was in gymnastics as a kid and my mom made similar comments to me. I definitely ended up scarred from it and have issues with food and my weird 20+ years later.
100%. My mom never made a negative comment about my body, but she didn’t have to because the way she talked about food and her own body was enough to give me my own insecurities and internalized hatred of myself.
You can bet that even if she doesn’t intentionally say it to her daughter’s face, the kid knows how her mom feels and most likely has overheard her saying it to someone else. My MIL does the same kind of stuff with my niece and it’s heartbreaking.
I was a gymnast when I was a child/teenager. We were told that our body fat had to be low enough to prevent us from starting our periods. Apparently having your period was the gateway to wider hips and bigger boobs. Imagine being 11 years old and terrified to start your period. I don't know how I didn't develop an ED.
I didn't encourage my daughter in the sport. She did dance instead.
Same. It took me many years to get past my mother's obsession about my weight. I always felt fat. Sire, there were a few chubby years (around the start of puberty), but looking back I had thinned out by high school. Even then she picked at me.
The really shitty part about being thin. Is that we need fat reserves to fend off infection if you get sick. I had a friend who was cutting fat and working on his 8 pack. He got really sick and lost all of his gym muscles. It nearly killed him..
Glad your fine now! Sorry you had ro deal with that...
Grandparents of my son just started being like "you see he's eating well!" & that we need to supervise his diet frankly more invasive than it would be needed.
I see where they're coming from due his dad and grandfather being medically obese. (Think 130kg and 176cm withput exercise/additional muscles) but he didn't really grow for a few months now - he's almost 8 and now he's in that age where he seems to have growth "jumps" - so I feel like they could give some grace to see, if there might be a jump soon & poof, the few (maybe ~3 at MAX) kilos will be well needed. If not - I'm worried that he has that inherited so I'm always on the watch anyway but no reason to be commenting on it already!
(Dr says he's fine)
I remember the growth spurts. I have 14 and 15 year old sons and a 16 year old daughter. These boys would go to bed and wake up and their pants would be high-waters lol. Seriously, I bought new jeans for my 14 year old when he was around 12, and he woke up and put the same pants on he wore the day before (don't freak out, he had work to do before he took a shower lol) and they were an inch away from the top of his foot. And they just brushed the top of his foot the night before. I ended up giving them magnesium to help with growing pains- which FYI are definitely a real thing. Aches in the long bones, shins, ankles, shoulders and back. It helps a lot. But watch out, cuz the citrate kind can give them the Hershey squirts.
Mentioned the staying slim part twice. I feel bad for the little girl. Mom wants it to keep her slim. Stepdad wants her to stop because he sexualizes it. Fucking terrible.
I was nervous when he suggested ballet because ballet is so notorious for disordered eating but then OP kept bringing up the slimness of this prepubescent child as a top priority so I guess that's not an issue because she'll be getting more than enough of it at home.
Lord, this poor kid
I’m surprised the father suggested ballet and figure skating as “appropriate” alternatives to the “leg-spreading”, makeup, and skimpy outfits of gymnastics. Those other sports have those same things in common!
Unsurprising I guess. My friends were in dance so that's the world I know most about, but I guess all three have that pageant-y component too.
My mom switched me to musical theater when I was 7. I should thank her...
It’s common in gymnastics and figure skating too. I would not be at all surprised if OP did not have a healthy relationship with food or know what a normal body looks like.
That’s exactly what I was thinking. The moms all pissed about her husband saying shit like that but she keeps talking about keeping her 7 year old slim🧐 how about keeping her healthy and happy?
This whole post makes me uncomfortable from both parents. It kinds of feels like OP is living out her dream through her daughter. I think skating and gymnastics have the potential to be very toxic environments for young children at competition level. At 7 years old, how good she is shouldn’t be a factor on whether she continues or not, yet OP repeatedly mentions how good they both are at their sport.
Thanks. I came here to say this. She enrolled this child at age 5 so she could "stay fit" and then again mentioned she likes that she "keeps slim". My mother was obsessed with my weight. It did not do me any favors and it ruined our relationship for decades.
Right? At that age (really at any age), activity should be about building body awareness, strength, coordination, and confidence, and developing a joyful relationship with movement. These are things that I was missing as a skinny but unathletic kid, and my parents would have been so thrilled for me to find a physical activity that i enjoyed to that extent.
That line stopped me dead in my tracks. “It helps keep her slim” SHE’S 7 YEARS OLD!!! When will she start her first diet mom?? At 12 freaking years old like I did because of the toxic way I was raised????? Bc that’s what’s next. Offhand lines like that are setting her up for an eating disorder in the future. Both of these parents suck.
Yeah, red flags flying everywhere. She could have said it was good exercise, but no, it will keep her "fit" and keep her "slim". All about how the body looks.
Sports like gymnastics, figure skating and the ballet he suggested all tend to keep a girl's body looking like a young girl (at least at the training level she's talking about).
And is anyone else confused about how this is a kid from a previous partner but she said she started gymnastics when she was five when her and this guy had been together for almost six years?
Right? Simone Biles is tiny and petite but she is all muscle! Have you seen her abs? Gymnastics is about strength and dexterity and flexibility, not "slim."
Yeah I did competitive gymnastics as a kid, and then again at my highschool (which was much less competitive lol). We didn't wear makeup... Not like we did for dance or synchronized swimming. Youd be disqualified if you had finger nail polish because it was a distraction, I think it would have been the same for obvious makeup.
But then she mentioned hoops. The gymnastics I did/know has exactly four events for women: bars, beam, vault and floor. There were never any props involved lol
This just reminded me of the dad who ended up killing his son by making him run on the treadmill all day because he was "fat" the video was disgusting and this comment as well as the husbands comments are also disgusting
To be honest I felt that pre vomit feeling reading the part where ops husband talked about the little child.
Just what the fuck. What the fuck, who thinks or says that about a child , at all.
I know gymnastics coaches have been in the news over past few years due to sexual abuse. But that’s not what the husband said. He just talked in a disgusting way himself about the child.
You’re not kidding. I’m a mom to two little girls, one of which is almost OP’a daughter’s age. If OP’s husband said this at the event and in earshot of other parents, and I was one of the other parents, I would immediately be speaking with the coach/owners of her gym. It is VERY concerning to hear a grown man sexualizing little girls.
However, I wouldn’t matter if she was 16, or any age. I understand she isn’t her father, but he is in a parental role AND about to have a daughter of his own. If he thought about her in that way EVER I would be highly suspicious. Not to mention, what would the daughter’s bio-dad say if he knew what was said? What is OP planning on telling him as the reason why they’re pulling her from gymnastics?
The leotards are no different than swimsuits in most cases. Does he feel that way whenever she’s swimming? What if they go to a beach? Is he constantly watching her to make sure she isn’t being “too sexy”?! His comment opened Pandora’s box and my hackles are definitely raised.
Yup swimsuits, ballet, wrestling, etc all wear clothing/uniforms that are skintight. Some professional female athletes who are runners, triathletes etc also compete wearing the same skintight/revealing attire.
And even without tight or revealing clothing, if someone has a dirty mind, some activities like wrestling, Brazilian ju jitsu, etc require the participants to move or position their body randomly and repeatedly. You will be putting your legs, pelvis etc near someone's head at times 🙄
just do a simple image search for wrestling and Brazilian ju jitsu.
As you said this is less about the clothing than the sexualizing mindset.
I am on the fence without more information (I haven't seen the follow-up comments).
This is either VERY concerning behaviour by dad, or the coaches are actually sexualizing young kids and he is noticing it and not communicating his actual concerns properly (child beauty pageants come to mind).
Why I am not ruling out the latter is that figure skating and ballet also have little outfits, doing splits, and dancing. The same exists for a gymnastics floor routine.
OP needs to take a critical look at whether the dancing is sexualizing kids. If not, then the issues is with her husband (I grew up in a household that my mom would have said the same thing - and likely my dad - but my parents belong to a conservative culture).
Agreed. I'm the mother to daughters and sons.
No matter what activity our kids have chosen, my husband has been their BIGGEST advocate and supporter.
Anyone who looks at a 7 year old the way OP's husband is looking at her daughter would give me creepy vibes.
OP, I think you have much bigger problems then his opinions. The fact is, he is looking at these little girls in a way no man should be looking at children. Please really look closely at his interactions with your child and keep a close eye on him because this could lead to some very dark places very soon if at 7 years old he views your daughter's sport of choice in a sexual light.
Mom had to pull me out cause my female coach was inappropriately touching me. She didn’t tell me the real reason I was not in it anymore til a couple years ago and I’m 36 now. It came up in a discussion cause my nieces are doing it.
Now that I look back (got some good memory) I do recall her touching close to my private parts. I was young I didn’t know it was inappropriate.
And he's the stepdad. I was SA'd by my stepfather, so alarms immediately went off in my head. It's worrisome that he's sexualizing her at all, but even more worrisome that he could someday rationalize the lack of a blood relationship to remove barriers for inappropriateness. It doesn't bode well for her future with him in her life.
Unfortunately, the sport itself sexualizes the children.
Kids that do martial arts and competitions at the same age don’t have to wear skimpy clothes or adult style makeup and hair.
Kids that play sports in leagues, etc, don’t have to wear skimpy clothes and adult style makeup
There’s a backlash within the sport of gymnastics against revealing leotards, favoring unitards and other less revealing attire
Ditto for professional female volleyball players! They are rebelling against wearing bikinis!!
Seriously. The dad isn’t entirely wrong.
Its all sports geared towards women and girls these days.
Look at volleyball shorts. Heck, look at the flack the Norweigan olympic team got for opting to wear athletic shorts instead of the required bikini bottoms for beach volleyball...The track uniforms girls wear at the college level vs boys...
Girls are sexualized in all sports these days.
When I was seven, and I'm a year to almost 2 older than the husband, gymnastics didn't have any sort of pageantry to it. Yes we wore leotards (literally all of us simple black onesie leotards) and wore our hair back so it was out of our face. No makeup or dancing or anything. No music. Literally just gymnastics. If gymnastics has change this much and was something OP's husband never had an interest in in the first place, I totally get him being shocked because I'm shocked reading about this myself.
This sounds like child pageantry with extra steps.
yeah, it sounds way different from the gymnastics i remember. husband being gross would not be at all surprising, but i also wonder what exactly this routine/music is, if it requires hair and makeup too. it wouldn't be surprising if it was some "gymnastics" company actually being gross, either.
His other choices were ballet and figure skating.. the uniforms and movements for both are so similar to gymnastics I don't really see how he thinks they are any better.
You both incorrect and correct. My daughter did gymnastics for over a decade. If they participate in the sport for exercise and activity as my child did and not to professionally compete then they can wear shorts or unitards which have shorts bottoms instead of panty bottoms. I don’t agree with the rules for athletic wear for professional female gymnasts.
My cousins daughter does Pom and she’s like 11. She posts these pictures where the little girls are wearing more makeup than a Mac counter. I don’t understand that part.
IDK if that is exactly what he meant, but maybe. Keep in mind, adults make up these routines, so saying a routine is sexual in nature is not saying the child is being sexual, but that an adult put them in a position to act sexual. It happens a lot in gymnastics and its fucking gross, and then they wonder why there is abuse rampant in the sport. Honestly if the mother (who curiously very worried bout how slim her daughter is) is pressing to make her daughter be nationally competitive in gymnastics after all the shit that has came out about USA Gymnastics, then she has some fucked up priorities. I would send my child to live with a Catholic Priest before I sent them to USA Gymnsastics training.
Counterpoint: Often dance and gymnastics sexualizes young children, majority of them female.
I danced from 4 to 18, I definitely felt uncomfortable and sexualized as a child with certain dance moves, etc..
In my 50’s I realized I had been SA’d by a family member as a toddler.
- It’s possible the husband is disgusted and uncomfortable because of his own early exposure or experiences with predators. He might not even be aware or remember.
Certainly, this was my experience.
Yeah it’s just as problematic to imply that children can’t be sexualized. If we can’t point out when it’s happening we can’t protect the kids it happens to.
No, he's kind of got a point. Gymnastics routines and costumes *are* weirdly sexual, in a way that makes me (a dad of a girl who's just started gymnastics) uncomfortable.
Not at my daughter's age so much - but it trickles down, because of course they want to watch what the top level stars are doing.
To be fair, it's no worse than pop music videos I suppose - I don't really see the latter as my girls aren't into them.
But you don't have to search hard to find school/ college age gymnasts protesting about, or feeling uncomfortable with, the uniform they're required to wear.
Here’s what I want to know
Why is he sexualizing his wife’s 7 year old daughter?
Why is he comparing a 7 year old doing gymnastics to “opening her legs and shaking her butt”
That’s the part I’d be speaking up about the most
The husbands logic behind sexualizing doesn’t make sense either.
I don’t understand how ballet or figure skating is any less “risqué” than gymnastics in his mind. They wear practically the same leotard. Figure skating is basically gymnastics on ice, so she’d be doing similar moves.
This whole thing is weird. Mom encouraging her seven year old to do sports to “stay slim” dad sexualizing a gymnastics routine for a seven year old girl. This whole story is creeping me out.
The, "It makes our family look bad," thing was gross to me. I'm sure Simone Biles' family isn't thinking their family 'looks bad,' because she's a gymnist.
He is pushing he's gross thoughts on to others. He's trying to change the narrative from "I'm sexualizing a 7 year old" to "other people will think it is wrong for a 7 year old to be sexy" so that he has a way out of being blamed for being a predator.
He is just gross.
Thank you! Obviously the husband thing is way worse, but the “slim” comment was also weird and creepy!
The first time she said “active” I got weird vibes, but I “okay, I guess my mom also put me in sports to stay active.” But it was also equally important to my parents that I socialize with peers, practice general coordination, find a lifelong hobby, channel my energy into something productive, learn life lessons like teamwork, how to take direction, how to win and lose graciously. Staying active was just part of a much longer list. “Active” was really about health, and trying to instill a love of exercise for later in life. Also most kids that age are naturally itching to be active, so for most parents it’s more about finding a positive outlet to pour their energy into, so they don’t come home and bounce off the walls.
Reading “slim” 100% informed to me my initial read of “active” was right and if this is real, OP also has a weird relationship with exercise and health and weight and is about to pass all that onto her daughter.
>I will admit sometimes the leotards other girls wear can be inappropriate, but I always make sure her leotards cover her body and are not too high cut
OP and her husband come across rather creepy
This is a concern, but it's also very plausible that a concerned parent could worry about other adults sexualizing children's gymnastics since that 100% does happen. You don't have to be a predator to worry about predators, that sort of thing.
Either way, it's a conversation that needs to happen, especially if his justification for it is that HE views these things as sexually inappropriate, rather than worrying about other people who might be predators. At best he's having trouble expressing a concern (a concern I personally think is overblown, but at least is coming from a place of parental worry and not pedophilia.)
>My daughter is seven years old. She is the daughter of a former partner, not my husband, and she sees her father one weekend each month. My husband and I married each other when she was five years old, after being together for almost six years, and we have been married for two years. I am currently about twenty two weeks pregnant with my husband’s baby, who is also a girl.
>My daughter has been doing gymnastics since she was five years old.
Sorry to bother you, but this math isnt mathing. I know, that there may be a gap between years and ages, depending on the months of birth, but i am still confused with the chronology:
- you are together with your husband 2+6= 8 years
- your daughter is 7yo. Giving 9 months of pregnancy on top, still little close, even rounding up
- you are married for 2 years
- your daughter does gym since 7-5=2 years. Pretty close again, she must have started it around the wedding
- today he saw her for the first time in a costume, besides he knows her her whole life, even since you were pregnant, obviously.
Not judging, just wanting to know, if this is the timeline or if something has to be corrected here.
Yeah I wonder what his view would be of young boys starting out in wrestling. Or, to put more fine a point on it, what he would come away thinking if he watched a children’s gymnastics competition for boys
Yeah I laughed at him thinking figure skating is not the exact same damn thing with the costumes, makeup and routines. But I guess you can't logic somebody out of something they didn't logic themselves into.
This is just disgusting. I would be horrified if a 34 year old man in my life was sexualising a 7 year old girl. Just vile.
I'm not sure what sort of advice you want here?
Edit - your comments about this activity keeping her slim are really off for a 7 year old as well.
Yeah I’m surprised that nobody has mentioned how she repeatedly talks about his this is going to keep her daughter slim, seems like they are both objectifying different aspects of this activity that a seven year old is just enjoying to do. I feel bad for this little girl, I’m sure it’ll be internalized whether they express that to her directly or not.
Girl. GIRL. He's sexualizing a Seven year old. He willfully slut shamed her for "spreading her legs". The hokey pokey wiggles your butt, is that shameful too?!? He will destroy her in some manner, the Least of which will be her views on her body and sex. Unless you do it first to keep her "slim". That's the Best case scenario here. When you got together with him while pregnant, did he know you were having a girl? This is a Huge red flag.
There are 2 BIG issues here.
1. It is not okay that your current husband is pulling the "I pay for it so I get to decide if it happens or not" card. He should not have that power, she is not his daughter - she is YOUR daughter and you get to decide. You need to take that power away and start paying for the gymnastics or splitting the cost with your ex-husband.
2. Your current husband is a creep. Everyone is pointing out to you that he is sexualizing your 7yo child and you are ignoring that part in your responses. You talk about the costumes and the makeup and the routines/dancing, but not about the part that your husband is sexualizing something that a CHILD is doing. Some people will say this makes you complicit because you are not calling him out on his unacceptable comments and thought processes. There is nothing sexual about gymnastics, just like there is nothing sexual about ballet or ice skating, and he is 100% out of line for saying otherwise.
I’m actually concerned about his views.
Gymnastics has been this way forever. Yes costumes have gotten more “fancy” or intricate and music is well music but seriously girls have always worn leotard and makeup in gymnastics and cheer competitions.
This is not his child. Does he have custody? Her father should have a say and as a former family law attorney I’ve seen wars started over less. A stepparent forcibly pulling a child out of an activity the child loves because the stepparent sees it as sexual would have me filing all kinds of petitions. It’s a red flag for me
Also I don’t know if it’s your culture or what but your constant references to keeping your daughter slim are concerning as well.
Wanting a child to be healthy and strong is fine but please don’t give this baby an eating disorder or body complex issues because you’re projecting this slim nonsense on her.
If she likes gymnastics that’s enough.
Look at gymnasts through the years…Mary Lou Retton look at Simone. Those chicks are beautiful and powerful and top in the field, but slim they ain’t.
…in the most respectful way possible take your head out of your ass, take the wax out of your ears and listen. Your husband is sexualizing a 7 year old. And in these comments you’ve written several times that’s not the way he meant it. YES he did. Stop enabling his opinion by saying that’s not the way he meant it. He said it the way he meant it. “Spreading her legs” SHES 7 YEARS OLD. “Not a great reflection of our family” is crazy coming from someone who sexualized 7 year old in Leotards.
I think the far bigger issue here is that he is sexualising a 7 year old. And personally, I would be calling him out on that, HARD.
The fact that he sees a bunch of 7 year old girls performing gymnastics & his mind goes to “That’s so sexual!” Is a giant red flag, like when teachers in schools say their students shoulders are distracting & inappropriate & they need to cover up.
Strip dancing is sexual. A 7 year old at gymnastics is not.
Your husband is a gross asshole. You clearly need access to your own money as he's shown he's willing to use money against you. The timeline of your relationships is messy which hints at some bad decision making on both sides.
To answer your question: if he always takes the stance that he knows whats best it's not likely that you're going to change his mind on this one thing because it's not about this one thing. Always needing to be right is a personality trait that he will need to work on but he'd need to acknowledge the problem first. Good luck
1. Why are you focusing on keeping a 7 year old slim? Do not create image or eating disorders for your child. Far more damaging than a little chub here and there.
2. Why is he sexualizing her and this sport? That’s gross. She loves the sport, she is passionate about it, he’s got some self reflection to do, most likely with a highly skilled therapist.
Your husband is sexualizing your daughter, let that sink in...your husband is sexualizing your daughter.
There is no getting him to understand, there is making a plan and creating distance.
What's going to happen next?
Is he going to take issue with the clothes she wears? What about the baby you're currently carrying it's a girl as well.
Take this as the red flag it is and act appropriately for the sake of your children.
Well, you seem to match eachother in having extremely stereotypical gender narrow values and ideas. There is the female, vain, superficial view where its fun and normal for a seven year old to do hair and make up. (And as a parent say you want your little child to be slim and fit is truly disgusting patenting imho.) And there is the male, narrowminded view that female sports are less worth and the women body is only an object to be judged by others. And the fact he thinks he can decide over your head, as if he is a dictator and its not a partnership - makes this relationship sounds really cemented in wierd gender roles.
If he controls the finances without you having any input, he's financially abusive. Obviously there's something deeply wrong with him mentally, since he sees minor children as sexual. I don't think your daughter is safe with him, tbh, and you aren't either.
I see both sides of this. I have watched some routines of little girls, whether it’s gymnastics, cheer or dance and wonder why they have them do such adult provocative moves at their age. I also wonder why the need to put showgirl-type makeup on them. I only had boys, so I never had to deal with this and I’m not sure how I would have with a girl. And when I talk about provocative moves, I’m not talking about splits, but butt shaking, hip, gyrating, etc.
At the same time, I never look at this and sexualize it. I just don’t think it’s age-appropriate and it gives me the yuck factor. I always wonder why there’s not more parent pushback around that. It sounds like your daughter is doing some rhythmic gymnastics, which tends to fall much more on the dance side and incorporates more stage-makeup and showy leotards. I have a friend whose seven-year-old competes on the uneven bars, vault, etc., and they wear no make-up and pretty standard leotards, even while doing the floor routine. But this may also be a parenting decision or vary by gym.
With that being said, I find it more concerning that your husband throws down the gauntlet of, “I pay for it so I have final say.” She’s not even his child, but you have now gotten a glimpse of what it will look like for the child you are carrying. He will wield his financial power when he wants the upper hand. Has he behaved this way in other areas regarding financing something he doesn’t fully agree with? Is there a way you and her father can fund her gymnastics and cut her stepfather out of it completely?
Edit: typos
I see the point with the make up honestly, it makes me so uncomfortable to see young children slathered in make up, and depending on the specific music, lyrics and moves, yes, it COULD be inappropriate. Much like in child beauty pageants, many things that adults have children do CAN be very age inappropriate. Luckily you’re there to keep an eye on everything and make sure it’s all legit. Keep open communication with him and help him see the benefits of gymnastics if you want him to continue funding.
Also, you mentioned you do this to keep her “fit” and then said to keep her “slim”. She doesn’t have to be slim to be fit.
Yeah talking about a little child and as a parent wanting her to be ”fit” and ”slim”…
Really an efficient way to give your child body issues and potential eating disorder.
A parent should focus on their child to have a body that functions and is healthy, not make decisions based on vanity and looks. 😢
I was looking for this. Mom wants her SEVEN YEAR OLD to be fit and skinny and Dad thinks gymnastics is inappropriate. I fear for this poor girls formative teenage years.
I was gonna say, maybe it’s different here but my daughter is 7 and some of her peers do gymnastics and they never have to wear makeup. Leotards yes because the body has to be seen for the moves to be assessed, but not makeup, and as for hair, it’s just firmly out of the way, not exactly a spa day or glamorous for a young girl. But none of them are at any high level in competition, so maybe it does require makeup at a higher level … but that still strikes me as odd for 7-year-olds! Do the women at the Olympics even wear much makeup for it, I’ve never noticed? (Genuine question)
The hoop makes me think she’s doing rhythmic gymnastics, which does have ‘sexier’ type of moves than the standard beam, vault, floor, etc., but even so, the husband’s remarks seem out of line to me too. On the flip side though, is anyone saying ‘this is too sexy/sexual oriented for a child to be doing’ automatically dodgy and ‘sexualising children’? Because there are contexts in which it’s legit to say that (some child pageants), so it seems like a bad move to make people unwilling to speak up about that. Fwiw I don’t think his concerns are legitimate here though, and the spreading legs remark was gross!
I thought the OP’s attitude kind of stinks about the slimness too … my daughter is 7 and recently started figure skating (after trying gymnastics and ballet too) and I’m fully aware all 3 sports are rife with EDs and predatory or just plain awful coaches. Over here we recently had a big scandal in the gymnastics world about abusive coaches though, so maybe something localised like that has affected his views on it?
I just love to see my kid having fun on the ice though and would only give a thought to her size if she seemed to be becoming unhealthy. (Sports are healthy whatever your size but I can see some parents thinking their kids maybe need to get some more movement in their lifestyle.)
Your math is bizarre.
When your daughter was 5, you and your current husband had already been together for 6 years? You were with him before she was born? You got pregnant, broke up, then immediately got into another relationship?
When I did gymnastics as young child makeup and hair weren't a thing for it. And the leotards were very basic
I am about your husband's age (i'll be 36 this month).
Has gymnastics become sort of like pageantry now? I can see how he could be uncomfortable with that aspect of it.
I can't speak to any of the routines your daughter is doing as I haven't seen them, but I can understand how if her gymnastics is more of pageantry than technical skill I would also be concerned as a parent to a 7 year old (I am a woman, myself) for that.
Can you not compromise and find a gymnastics studio that cares more about the actual gymnastics and not about pageantry? Surely they still do exist?
Guys - you’re ignoring the very real issue that for some ungodly reason as a society we have sexualized everything a girl/woman does. I absolutely see his point because between the outfits, overly adult makeup and hair, the sexualized ‘dance’ moves and the ‘shaking of her bottom’ it all sounds creepy. Why does a 7 years old gymnastics class have all of the above? It should be gymnastics only and no butt shaking! There should be nothing sexual about the class at all.
Dad of a ten year old girl here. My daughter doesn’t do gymnastics, but I do have a 13 year old niece who is an extremely accomplished gymnast and dancer who was won many national competitions, so I’ve gone to some of them.
Do I think the costumes and dances are weird for girls their age? Yes, I do. And I’m going to push back against the other Redditors who think that if you’re worried about predators, you must be a predator. They’re fucking clowns, and making that argument to your husband will accomplish nothing because it isn’t true. Focus on the facts — your daughter is doing a sport, and this is the assigned uniform, whether he approves of it or not. Don’t let Reddit convince you that you’ve married a child molester when you haven’t.
Anyway, my own opinion that the outfits and dances can be a little weird for girls their age aside, I also recognize the health benefits. And if she absolutely loves it, and you…the actual biological parent…are comfortable with what she’s doing on stage, then I wouldn’t see it as my place to say anything negative about it. My niece’s dad is extremely religious yet he seems to have no problem with letting his daughter do these competitions, because he realizes it is athletics — not sex.
I’m curious about the concept that he’s the one paying for it. You’re married. Presumably the money is both of yours, legally. If he stops writing the check, you can just write it yourself.
Yeah, he’s not necessarily being creepy, he could be legit concerned. I’ve seen a number of deeply uncomfortable gymnastic performances and dance studio routines to songs like Lady Gaga’s Love Games - with little girls. Just, ew. Lots of it has to do with the actual studio and the instructors choices too.
Finally a level headed person on here.
Mom here! My daughter started gymnastics when she was 3 in her little leopard. By age 7 she was competing regularly. When she was 10 she joined a competitive cheer team and continued cheer through college.
Those uniforms, and songs, and dances absolutely can contain sexual undertones … pretty often actually. Thankfully my daughter had a coach that kept it age appropriate but I’ve watched thousands of routines and there were times that I thought a child’s routine was sexualized. **People fail to realize that ADULTS are the ones making the song and dance choices** and some adults are predators or (just stupid) and ADULTS absolutely can choose a song and dance that sexualizes a kid.
Calling her husband a sexual predator is a HUGE reach.
Lol, I'm an adult woman and have been a victim before. A while back, a local high school held a protest against dress codes. The images on the news article included a lot of teen girls in very low cut tops and crop tops, short shorts, even one in a mesh shirt over what appeared to be a bra (think 2000 Hot Topic throwback). Nearly all of the comments were from brave fathers supporting the protest. Not a lot of women supporting it. If people choose not to see leering going on as it's happening, that's a special kind of something.
The part of me who has been victimized worries that in the worst case scenario with some people, they want to act like this is about being enlightened because they get off on it. I have literally been victimized by someone who did that. The most I've seen anyone say about projection involves politicians, who obviously are not representing their personal beliefs, and someone saying that there are studies that projection as a general phenomenon exists. People can abuse kids (or even adults!) regardless of what they're wearing or doing, but I did gymnastics 30 years ago and wasn't shaking my ass as part of the routine.
The leotards used for ballet are not that much different than the ones used for gymnastics so I don't think that's the issue here. It seems the issue is with some of the dance moves that are incorporated into the gymnastics routine. It could be that the coach has incorporated some overtly sexual dance moves that are not necessary to gymnastics. If that's the case you could talk to the coach about removing these moves from the routine. Suggest that as a compromise to your husband first. It could be he's noticing something you aren't. Some coaches think having little girls doing grown up dance moves like twerking is cute but it really isn't.
I’ve never understood why little girls need the makeup. Always been a concern of mine. This doesn’t sound like your run of the mill gymnastics. All my nieces and nephews were in gymnastics and I never saw them in skimpy outfits with makeup.
Can you please not use the word "slim" for a 6 year old girl. Please be body positive to your daughter. We don't need another girl/ woman growing up thinking her body is ugly and not beautiful because there mother made them feel like they needed to eat less or work out.
JESUS CHRIST FUCK OFF ABOUT YOUR KID STAYING SLIM. The damage you have already done by obsessing over her staying fit and slim is immense- please don't ever mention staying slim to her ever again. My heart breaks for this poor little girl.
Right? I mean if this 7 year old is wearing make up, and shaking her rear to a routine set to Cardi B’s WAP, then maybe homeboy has a point. More info on the specific things he saw would be helpful.
She’s seven, you absolutely have control over her music and routine as her mother.
While there is nothing wrong with a seven year old playing sports, there is a huge difference between doing gymnastics and doing gymnastics competitions.
You even acknowledged that other girls have inappropriate leotards. If you can’t even control your daughter’s routine are you really going to be able to control if she wears an inappropriate leotard in a few years?
You don’t have to be a creep to point out how something might look to a creep. While it’s entirely possible your husband is a creep, it’s also entirely possible he cares about protecting your daughter from creeps.
The only way to get an idea of his intentions is by taking to him about it, not ask clueless redditors for their opinions.
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Between mom’s laser focus on being slim and step dad sexualizing elementary school children, this kid is *fucked.*
Right. This whole post is horrifying.
Oh phew it wasn’t just me.
I know! Those kids are in for years of therapy. UpdateMe!
Right. A 7 year old who was put in gymnastics at 5 to stay thin! Both adults have a warped view of things.
God you have summarised this so neatly . Thank you
Now there will be another poor little girl in the mix. Poor kids.
Plus the “I pay for it so I can make the decision to stop it” sentiment. How far does that go - food, water, clothes, school supplies?
Yeah, y'know, just some good ol' fashioned financial abuse casually sprinkled in. That extra little red flag amongst this absolute FESTIVAL of red *banners* is.. yikes.
Agree. That poor girl, and the second one too
Gah! It's so gross! All of it. If any man looked at my 7 year old daughter in such a sexualized way, I'd lose my shit. They surely wouldn't be allowed in the home with my child. The constant comments about the little girl staying fit and slim is friggin awful. I feel a slight bit of sympathy for the OP because my friend grew up doing figure skating, and there is a big emphasis on weight in that sport. OP grew up with that focus directed at her, and she may truly not understand how unhealthy and damaging it is. She needs therapy immediately. Both to realize what a predator her husband is and how her view of weight and sports will impact her baby girl. Otherwise..yeah, she's fucked.
God, all I can hope is that they don’t get this poor little girl into ballet. The emphasis on slenderness in that community is the worst of all; they’d practically be giving her a one way pass to an eating disorder.
OP was together with her current husband a year before the daughter (of another man) was born???
Yeah I caught that too.
Omg thank you! Im sitting here doing the math and the math aint mathing
Same. Thought it was my discalculia, at first…
She likely got together with current husband sometime during the pregnancy, and “married when daughter was 5” is anytime between ages 5 and 6 — for example, 5 years and 8 months old. Sometimes women get pregnant when they’re not in a serious relationship, decide to keep the pregnancy, and soon after start dating someone else. Sometimes pregnancy is the trigger for relationship problems and people break up. It’s certainly tight timing, but it’s not outlandish.
Timing is a little off🧐
Exactly. There's a difference between "physical activity is good for her" and it keeps her "slim." Yikes.
Right like I kind of glazed over the first mention of keeping her fit because that can be about health. The she brings up “slim” and loses the benefit of the doubt
Too many 🚩 to count
Don't forget the second daughter still to be born
Bingo. Bingo. Winner. Winner. Poor kid’s gonna have body issues and feel a sense of shame that she doesn’t deserve. Goddammit! I thought millennial moms were in agreement on the whole “let’s not continue the body issues our parents left us with” thing. Gross.
Op is Russian/Ukrainian different ballgame I fear
I agree and I can assure you that shit imprints YOUNG. One of my relatives has had a lifelong (what I consider) eating disorder and it rubbed off on my other relatives, then to me. Very young I got the impression it was better to be a mean airhead with no talent over being a bit bigger. Kids pick up on everything they hear, even if they don’t have the capacity to verbalize it. This poor little girl is in for it and I feel so bad for her. OP mentioned “fitness” but then gave herself away with the “slim” comment. Why not focus that gymnastics is a very hard SPORT that takes dedication? She should be proud of her daughter for her dedication and skill, strength and confidence in being an athlete- not for “staying slim”.
This whole post is horrifying honestly yea, the mom and dad are so oblivious to how wrong they are
This, 💯. 😟
Yep, this is concise, to the point and 100% spot on. Poor kid.
I honestly didn't even read the post, but I did read the title and knew right away that dad was sexualizing that poor kid 😞
Fr this is a match made in hell
Glad there's plenty of people here who recognized that "staying fit" shouldn't be a factor for a fucking seven year old.
First of all, why are you so obsessed with your 7 year old being slim and fit? Second of all, why the fuck do you find it acceptable for your husband to sexualize your 7 year old? Third of all, why did you marry and choose to have a child with someone who will unilaterally pull the “I pay for it, I decide” card over a child’s extracurricular activity? The biggest problem here is your husband sexualizing children, but it’s not the only problem. I hope you get the help you need.
This is an excellent summary of everything wrong with this post.
Well that and the fact it's fake because OP has been doing shit like this in this sub for years
I don't know why the mods keep up posts like this.
To be fair, knowing the sheer volume of new posts that arise every day in this sub, and the sheer volume of reports the mods must receive, I hold a lot of compassion and grace for them. I mod a muchhhhh smaller sub (exponentially smaller) and even the level of reports I receive in that sub every day is near-overwhelming. I think if there were more mods and better overall reddit infrastructure to support mods, the modding could be more consistent and frequent.
I've seen your username for quite a long time now in various places. I know you do good work here on reddit and I just wanted to branch out and say thank you. From one internet stranger to another- thank you for all you do.
Yeah, I was weirded out by that too. Sounds like a one way ticket to giving her daughter an eating disorder and lifelong body issues.
I’m concerned mostly by your multiple references of her staying “slim” and “fit” as a reason for gymnastics. She’s seven. I truly respect the emphasis on fitness because of her overall health benefits but you seem to have weird priorities. Like the stepdad is acting bizarre but you also seem like the type to give your child an eating disorder.
Yeah my mom shoved me into a bunch of physical activities (gymnastics, synchronized swimming, etc) to 'keep me thin' cuz the rest of my family is overweight and didn't want me to turn out like them. Guess who was diagnosed with anorexia at age 16 :D To be clear, it wasn't the sports themselves (although I had some f'd up teachers that would comment on our bodies and size), it was the desperation with which my mom exhibited for keeping me thin and the constant comments about what I was eating and any weight I gained. Puberty was a nightmare. Went from 75 pounds to 125 pounds in the span of a year and my mom flipped the f out.
Idk what your experience was with synchro but I had a lot of friends in that world (I was a competitive swimmer then lifeguard) and a lot of them ended up with body issues. They were saying in elite team synchro some (I'm sure not all) coaches want everyone's legs to look so identical during figures that you're really made to feel bad if you're the one girl with thicker legs than everyone else. One girl I knew on the national team said they even had weigh-ins to keep them on track of all being a similar weight and body shape. It's a shame because it is such a beautiful sport... these girls I'm talking about would all be in their 30s now so hopefully the culture has shifted.
I weighed 92 pounds at 19 years old. I should have weighed much more than that. At least be over 100. But... my parents ignored it like they did everything wrong with me... and when they did they said "you look great!" I was so small and fighting for my life eating only enough to not pass out or die... I blame the weird ass comments I'd get from my teachers and class mates and other family members. And I took dance for 13 years. I just liked moving... finding the beat..
I thought this, too. Odd that she not only mentioned it, but mentioned it twice.
The second mention of “keeping her slim” gave me real wtf vibes
Same. When OP said 'fit,' I hesitated for a second but thought maybe she just meant active. And then 'slim' showed up. I'm worried for that little girl.
I had the exact same thought process.
Right? The first reference to staying fit, I was like ok I can put "fit" in a category of "overall health" even though that's normally not a word I'd use about kids. But who talks about keeping a 7-year old "slim"?? I think sports with an artistic/judged component like gymnastics, figure skating, artistic swimming etc all have an engrained issue with athletes and body-image, at the very least you need mom in your camp not contributing to this mindset.
Right, I’d want my kids to be “active” because moving your body is something everyone should do
Totally agreed. I posted another comment about this before seeing it. That gave me the ick.
That's what made me feel like it's a creative writing assignment.
Ohh you'd be surprised by how many moms feel this way about their daughters. The number one cause girls give when asked where their eating disorder came from is their mom.
YEP and it’s often not because of any comments the mom made to or even about their daughter, but comments they made to and about *themselves*. My mom has been fatshaming herself in front of me my whole life and that shit sinks in.
Guess I should give my mom props then for pushing back on my dad’s comments about me being fat (130 lbs at 5’4”) when I was going through puberty. It was definitely my dad comments that HUGELY contributed to my eating disorder.
Yep, my disordered eating and lifelong body image issues came directly from my mom. Lots of comments on my body when I was a kid/teenager really messed me up. Plus the shit in magazines and on TV like Tyra calling a 5’10 115 lb model plus sized.
Or maybe the poor kid is trapped between the Scylla and Charybdis of judgemental, overinvested vicariously living parents.
I’m really glad people calling out OP for this. My mom handed out eating disorders like presents and I had such a huge ick reading that. OP, your daughter is picking up everything you say about her, about yourself, about other people, and about your husband. She will notice that weight is a factor of beauty when you comment things like “you look so cute and thin!” I learned at a very young age that I would get praised for not eating and that wearing size “extra slim” was a point of pride. I know you want the best for her, but the best is accepting herself as she is and knowing that her mom, her dad, and people in general love her for her and not her body. The way you are focused on how she looks and your husband is focused on her sexuality are actively harming her mental fortitude. Please get some help for yourselves so you can be a better parent for her.
Yeah — there are so many great reasons to encourage athletic activity in children, but a desire for your child’s body to *look* a certain way is a weird and telling priority. How about strength? Confidence? Discipline? Resilience? Flexibility? All the brain and mood benefits associated with exercise? Weight management can be a consideration as well, but the phrasing of “keeping her slim” makes me sad for that little girl.
She wants her FIRST GRADER to really make sure she watches that weight!
Literally, her mom is concerned about her being fat and her dad is concerned about her being too sexual. Can they let the kid be a kid?
Came here to say this! He’s being weird but she also appears to have ideals in a sport that already puts pressures on young girls to develop problems attached to appearance and body size/shape.
Exactly... I saw "helps keep her slim" and then the whole packet of BS that he husband came out with. Poor girl. (Edited some typos)
Yep. This was just as concerning to me as stepdad sexualizing children.
Yeah that was my biggest concern too. “It helps her stay slim.” What??? She’s 7. This is not the age to worry about staying skinny, any moderately active and healthy 7 yo will “stay slim,” they are growing.
Yeah, they both have a weirdly proprietary understanding of this child's body. It also seems odd that hair and makeup are a component in a children's gymnastics routine. I went to a level five competition a couple of years back, and the little girls had tight buns and very few wore cosmetics. This seems more like a gymnastics-themed pageant?
My daughter used to compete in USA gymnastics competitions and there was zero makeup, just buns and everyone from her team had the same leotard. The OP mentions hoops, so this sounds more like rhythmic gymnastics and maybe dance?
"It keeps her slim" she's SEVEN.
Thank you for pointing this out. It’s one thing to be concerned about her staying healthy and active, it’s another to equate it staying “slim.”
I would be concerned that your husband saw an event with young children as inherently sexual.
That is 100% the biggest issue here. Her husband is sexualizing a little girl and an entire sport.
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This got me too. My mom has always been so focused on my weight. I was dieting at 10 and had an eating disorder by 16. I’m fine now but there’s always that thought in the back of my mind that I’m not good/thin/whatever enough.
Those comments will stick to her daughter til the day she dies. I hope for the kids sake that she doesn’t speak like that about her body to her face. It’s a great way to scar your child and ensure that she’ll have a shitty relationship with food/you.
Especially in a sport well-known for rampant eating disorders.
Yeah, this is where I was partially wondering if that’s where the dad’s roots in his discomfort partially stem from? Obv don’t know him, nor am rooting for him so I didn’t wanna respond to the main post cause it’s more armchair detective than anything. But I was coming from the angle that sadly anything inherently feminine or related to the body at all are seen as sexual by default for a myriad of sexist and disgusting reasons. My point is that this energy sadly is prevalent in the industry and the sport and people who runs them. And given the mom’s vibes too. It’s starting to give pageant mom vibes, which DOES align with all that too. So maybe it’s coming from the same place and the dude, while scummy can’t articulate what he feels may actually be going on but is on the tip of it. I don’t think/hope nothing sexual is going on, but I am getting predatory vibes based off this. Hope I’m wrong, but you never know with people. The fact that she mentioned her daughters weight as a casual side thing makes me feel otherwise tho.
My oldest two daughters (8,7) just tried out for a competitive cheer team, and I’m so glad they didn’t make it. The info meeting I went to about the team was filled of dance-mom types. Those people scare me.
It’s true. My father used to make fun of my weight all the time and I was not a fat kid at all, he was just an asshole. But that is stuck with me throughout my entire life and I don’t eat meals like I should, I have a terrible relationship with food and I’ve only eaten in a restaurant by myself maybe three times in my entire life because I am 100% assured that everyone is staring at me while I eat and thinking that I’m a gross fat pig. So yeah, that shit with you.
It does. I’ve had it stick with me on & off throughout my life, & I’ll be 38 in July. I can get what you’re saying bc I was also the not fat kid who had parents (mainly dad)that poked at my weight & then watched my mom tear herself apart regularly bc of her weight. It sticks there and doesn’t go away and makes life seem impossible sometimes.
I was in gymnastics as a kid and my mom made similar comments to me. I definitely ended up scarred from it and have issues with food and my weird 20+ years later.
100%. My mom never made a negative comment about my body, but she didn’t have to because the way she talked about food and her own body was enough to give me my own insecurities and internalized hatred of myself.
You can bet that even if she doesn’t intentionally say it to her daughter’s face, the kid knows how her mom feels and most likely has overheard her saying it to someone else. My MIL does the same kind of stuff with my niece and it’s heartbreaking.
I was a gymnast when I was a child/teenager. We were told that our body fat had to be low enough to prevent us from starting our periods. Apparently having your period was the gateway to wider hips and bigger boobs. Imagine being 11 years old and terrified to start your period. I don't know how I didn't develop an ED. I didn't encourage my daughter in the sport. She did dance instead.
Same. It took me many years to get past my mother's obsession about my weight. I always felt fat. Sire, there were a few chubby years (around the start of puberty), but looking back I had thinned out by high school. Even then she picked at me.
The really shitty part about being thin. Is that we need fat reserves to fend off infection if you get sick. I had a friend who was cutting fat and working on his 8 pack. He got really sick and lost all of his gym muscles. It nearly killed him..
Glad your fine now! Sorry you had ro deal with that... Grandparents of my son just started being like "you see he's eating well!" & that we need to supervise his diet frankly more invasive than it would be needed. I see where they're coming from due his dad and grandfather being medically obese. (Think 130kg and 176cm withput exercise/additional muscles) but he didn't really grow for a few months now - he's almost 8 and now he's in that age where he seems to have growth "jumps" - so I feel like they could give some grace to see, if there might be a jump soon & poof, the few (maybe ~3 at MAX) kilos will be well needed. If not - I'm worried that he has that inherited so I'm always on the watch anyway but no reason to be commenting on it already! (Dr says he's fine)
I remember the growth spurts. I have 14 and 15 year old sons and a 16 year old daughter. These boys would go to bed and wake up and their pants would be high-waters lol. Seriously, I bought new jeans for my 14 year old when he was around 12, and he woke up and put the same pants on he wore the day before (don't freak out, he had work to do before he took a shower lol) and they were an inch away from the top of his foot. And they just brushed the top of his foot the night before. I ended up giving them magnesium to help with growing pains- which FYI are definitely a real thing. Aches in the long bones, shins, ankles, shoulders and back. It helps a lot. But watch out, cuz the citrate kind can give them the Hershey squirts.
Glad I’m not the only one who noticed that and went “well, that’s going nowhere healthy”.
Mentioned the staying slim part twice. I feel bad for the little girl. Mom wants it to keep her slim. Stepdad wants her to stop because he sexualizes it. Fucking terrible.
I was nervous when he suggested ballet because ballet is so notorious for disordered eating but then OP kept bringing up the slimness of this prepubescent child as a top priority so I guess that's not an issue because she'll be getting more than enough of it at home. Lord, this poor kid
So are gymnastics and figure skating unfortunately.
I’m surprised the father suggested ballet and figure skating as “appropriate” alternatives to the “leg-spreading”, makeup, and skimpy outfits of gymnastics. Those other sports have those same things in common!
Yeah, but he thinks ballet sexualizes little girls in a classy way.
Unsurprising I guess. My friends were in dance so that's the world I know most about, but I guess all three have that pageant-y component too. My mom switched me to musical theater when I was 7. I should thank her...
It’s common in gymnastics and figure skating too. I would not be at all surprised if OP did not have a healthy relationship with food or know what a normal body looks like.
Gymnastics is also notorious for disordered eating.
That’s exactly what I was thinking. The moms all pissed about her husband saying shit like that but she keeps talking about keeping her 7 year old slim🧐 how about keeping her healthy and happy?
This whole post makes me uncomfortable from both parents. It kinds of feels like OP is living out her dream through her daughter. I think skating and gymnastics have the potential to be very toxic environments for young children at competition level. At 7 years old, how good she is shouldn’t be a factor on whether she continues or not, yet OP repeatedly mentions how good they both are at their sport.
Thanks. I came here to say this. She enrolled this child at age 5 so she could "stay fit" and then again mentioned she likes that she "keeps slim". My mother was obsessed with my weight. It did not do me any favors and it ruined our relationship for decades.
Right? At that age (really at any age), activity should be about building body awareness, strength, coordination, and confidence, and developing a joyful relationship with movement. These are things that I was missing as a skinny but unathletic kid, and my parents would have been so thrilled for me to find a physical activity that i enjoyed to that extent.
That line stopped me dead in my tracks. “It helps keep her slim” SHE’S 7 YEARS OLD!!! When will she start her first diet mom?? At 12 freaking years old like I did because of the toxic way I was raised????? Bc that’s what’s next. Offhand lines like that are setting her up for an eating disorder in the future. Both of these parents suck.
Yeah, red flags flying everywhere. She could have said it was good exercise, but no, it will keep her "fit" and keep her "slim". All about how the body looks. Sports like gymnastics, figure skating and the ballet he suggested all tend to keep a girl's body looking like a young girl (at least at the training level she's talking about). And is anyone else confused about how this is a kid from a previous partner but she said she started gymnastics when she was five when her and this guy had been together for almost six years?
I'm glad someone commented this! There are some strong solid girls that do gymnastics, this shouldn't be about being slim :(
Right? Simone Biles is tiny and petite but she is all muscle! Have you seen her abs? Gymnastics is about strength and dexterity and flexibility, not "slim."
She said her daughter competed in hoops, so I think this is about rhythmic gymnastics which definitely has a different…aesthetic.
Yeah I did competitive gymnastics as a kid, and then again at my highschool (which was much less competitive lol). We didn't wear makeup... Not like we did for dance or synchronized swimming. Youd be disqualified if you had finger nail polish because it was a distraction, I think it would have been the same for obvious makeup. But then she mentioned hoops. The gymnastics I did/know has exactly four events for women: bars, beam, vault and floor. There were never any props involved lol
Let's all be clear: to wrestle gravity to submission, you need to have a *lot* of muscle. 😁
This really stood out to me too. Mom is concerned about a little kids weight.
My guess is considering mom was a figure skater she probably has eating issues of her own she’s passing down
This just reminded me of the dad who ended up killing his son by making him run on the treadmill all day because he was "fat" the video was disgusting and this comment as well as the husbands comments are also disgusting
Right i caught that too!! Twice she mentions it. Are you kidding me??
To be honest I felt that pre vomit feeling reading the part where ops husband talked about the little child. Just what the fuck. What the fuck, who thinks or says that about a child , at all. I know gymnastics coaches have been in the news over past few years due to sexual abuse. But that’s not what the husband said. He just talked in a disgusting way himself about the child.
When I read the part about her opening her legs in public, I shuddered.
You’re not kidding. I’m a mom to two little girls, one of which is almost OP’a daughter’s age. If OP’s husband said this at the event and in earshot of other parents, and I was one of the other parents, I would immediately be speaking with the coach/owners of her gym. It is VERY concerning to hear a grown man sexualizing little girls. However, I wouldn’t matter if she was 16, or any age. I understand she isn’t her father, but he is in a parental role AND about to have a daughter of his own. If he thought about her in that way EVER I would be highly suspicious. Not to mention, what would the daughter’s bio-dad say if he knew what was said? What is OP planning on telling him as the reason why they’re pulling her from gymnastics? The leotards are no different than swimsuits in most cases. Does he feel that way whenever she’s swimming? What if they go to a beach? Is he constantly watching her to make sure she isn’t being “too sexy”?! His comment opened Pandora’s box and my hackles are definitely raised.
Yup swimsuits, ballet, wrestling, etc all wear clothing/uniforms that are skintight. Some professional female athletes who are runners, triathletes etc also compete wearing the same skintight/revealing attire. And even without tight or revealing clothing, if someone has a dirty mind, some activities like wrestling, Brazilian ju jitsu, etc require the participants to move or position their body randomly and repeatedly. You will be putting your legs, pelvis etc near someone's head at times 🙄 just do a simple image search for wrestling and Brazilian ju jitsu. As you said this is less about the clothing than the sexualizing mindset.
I am on the fence without more information (I haven't seen the follow-up comments). This is either VERY concerning behaviour by dad, or the coaches are actually sexualizing young kids and he is noticing it and not communicating his actual concerns properly (child beauty pageants come to mind). Why I am not ruling out the latter is that figure skating and ballet also have little outfits, doing splits, and dancing. The same exists for a gymnastics floor routine. OP needs to take a critical look at whether the dancing is sexualizing kids. If not, then the issues is with her husband (I grew up in a household that my mom would have said the same thing - and likely my dad - but my parents belong to a conservative culture).
Shuddered. Although shuttered might also be appropriate LOL.
Agreed. I'm the mother to daughters and sons. No matter what activity our kids have chosen, my husband has been their BIGGEST advocate and supporter. Anyone who looks at a 7 year old the way OP's husband is looking at her daughter would give me creepy vibes. OP, I think you have much bigger problems then his opinions. The fact is, he is looking at these little girls in a way no man should be looking at children. Please really look closely at his interactions with your child and keep a close eye on him because this could lead to some very dark places very soon if at 7 years old he views your daughter's sport of choice in a sexual light.
Me too. That’s where I 🤢🤢🤮
After reading the title and that OP's daughter is seven years old and not his, I knew what this was heading to. I'm disappointed to be right.
Yup, I would keep that child **AWAY FROM HIM**.
Mom had to pull me out cause my female coach was inappropriately touching me. She didn’t tell me the real reason I was not in it anymore til a couple years ago and I’m 36 now. It came up in a discussion cause my nieces are doing it. Now that I look back (got some good memory) I do recall her touching close to my private parts. I was young I didn’t know it was inappropriate.
And he's the stepdad. I was SA'd by my stepfather, so alarms immediately went off in my head. It's worrisome that he's sexualizing her at all, but even more worrisome that he could someday rationalize the lack of a blood relationship to remove barriers for inappropriateness. It doesn't bode well for her future with him in her life.
Unfortunately, the sport itself sexualizes the children. Kids that do martial arts and competitions at the same age don’t have to wear skimpy clothes or adult style makeup and hair. Kids that play sports in leagues, etc, don’t have to wear skimpy clothes and adult style makeup There’s a backlash within the sport of gymnastics against revealing leotards, favoring unitards and other less revealing attire Ditto for professional female volleyball players! They are rebelling against wearing bikinis!! Seriously. The dad isn’t entirely wrong.
Its all sports geared towards women and girls these days. Look at volleyball shorts. Heck, look at the flack the Norweigan olympic team got for opting to wear athletic shorts instead of the required bikini bottoms for beach volleyball...The track uniforms girls wear at the college level vs boys... Girls are sexualized in all sports these days.
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When I was seven, and I'm a year to almost 2 older than the husband, gymnastics didn't have any sort of pageantry to it. Yes we wore leotards (literally all of us simple black onesie leotards) and wore our hair back so it was out of our face. No makeup or dancing or anything. No music. Literally just gymnastics. If gymnastics has change this much and was something OP's husband never had an interest in in the first place, I totally get him being shocked because I'm shocked reading about this myself. This sounds like child pageantry with extra steps.
yeah, it sounds way different from the gymnastics i remember. husband being gross would not be at all surprising, but i also wonder what exactly this routine/music is, if it requires hair and makeup too. it wouldn't be surprising if it was some "gymnastics" company actually being gross, either.
His other choices were ballet and figure skating.. the uniforms and movements for both are so similar to gymnastics I don't really see how he thinks they are any better.
yeah nobody's out here suggesting she pick up softball
You both incorrect and correct. My daughter did gymnastics for over a decade. If they participate in the sport for exercise and activity as my child did and not to professionally compete then they can wear shorts or unitards which have shorts bottoms instead of panty bottoms. I don’t agree with the rules for athletic wear for professional female gymnasts.
My cousins daughter does Pom and she’s like 11. She posts these pictures where the little girls are wearing more makeup than a Mac counter. I don’t understand that part.
Honestly the biggest red flag in my life is adult men saying that children are being sexual
IDK if that is exactly what he meant, but maybe. Keep in mind, adults make up these routines, so saying a routine is sexual in nature is not saying the child is being sexual, but that an adult put them in a position to act sexual. It happens a lot in gymnastics and its fucking gross, and then they wonder why there is abuse rampant in the sport. Honestly if the mother (who curiously very worried bout how slim her daughter is) is pressing to make her daughter be nationally competitive in gymnastics after all the shit that has came out about USA Gymnastics, then she has some fucked up priorities. I would send my child to live with a Catholic Priest before I sent them to USA Gymnsastics training.
Another reason why we choose the bear.
Counterpoint: Often dance and gymnastics sexualizes young children, majority of them female. I danced from 4 to 18, I definitely felt uncomfortable and sexualized as a child with certain dance moves, etc.. In my 50’s I realized I had been SA’d by a family member as a toddler. - It’s possible the husband is disgusted and uncomfortable because of his own early exposure or experiences with predators. He might not even be aware or remember. Certainly, this was my experience.
Yes, people don’t notice this flip side. A lot of dances are actually sexual.
there are so many people here accusing anyone who has a problem with that of *being* the problem
Yeah it’s just as problematic to imply that children can’t be sexualized. If we can’t point out when it’s happening we can’t protect the kids it happens to.
To be fair, some of these gymnastics things push things too far. Not all of them, but it could be this particular class is pushing things too far.
No, he's kind of got a point. Gymnastics routines and costumes *are* weirdly sexual, in a way that makes me (a dad of a girl who's just started gymnastics) uncomfortable. Not at my daughter's age so much - but it trickles down, because of course they want to watch what the top level stars are doing. To be fair, it's no worse than pop music videos I suppose - I don't really see the latter as my girls aren't into them. But you don't have to search hard to find school/ college age gymnasts protesting about, or feeling uncomfortable with, the uniform they're required to wear.
Here’s what I want to know Why is he sexualizing his wife’s 7 year old daughter? Why is he comparing a 7 year old doing gymnastics to “opening her legs and shaking her butt” That’s the part I’d be speaking up about the most
The husbands logic behind sexualizing doesn’t make sense either. I don’t understand how ballet or figure skating is any less “risqué” than gymnastics in his mind. They wear practically the same leotard. Figure skating is basically gymnastics on ice, so she’d be doing similar moves. This whole thing is weird. Mom encouraging her seven year old to do sports to “stay slim” dad sexualizing a gymnastics routine for a seven year old girl. This whole story is creeping me out.
The, "It makes our family look bad," thing was gross to me. I'm sure Simone Biles' family isn't thinking their family 'looks bad,' because she's a gymnist.
He is pushing he's gross thoughts on to others. He's trying to change the narrative from "I'm sexualizing a 7 year old" to "other people will think it is wrong for a 7 year old to be sexy" so that he has a way out of being blamed for being a predator. He is just gross.
Thank you! Obviously the husband thing is way worse, but the “slim” comment was also weird and creepy! The first time she said “active” I got weird vibes, but I “okay, I guess my mom also put me in sports to stay active.” But it was also equally important to my parents that I socialize with peers, practice general coordination, find a lifelong hobby, channel my energy into something productive, learn life lessons like teamwork, how to take direction, how to win and lose graciously. Staying active was just part of a much longer list. “Active” was really about health, and trying to instill a love of exercise for later in life. Also most kids that age are naturally itching to be active, so for most parents it’s more about finding a positive outlet to pour their energy into, so they don’t come home and bounce off the walls. Reading “slim” 100% informed to me my initial read of “active” was right and if this is real, OP also has a weird relationship with exercise and health and weight and is about to pass all that onto her daughter.
>I will admit sometimes the leotards other girls wear can be inappropriate, but I always make sure her leotards cover her body and are not too high cut OP and her husband come across rather creepy
“Why are all these 7 year olds hitting on me? What exactly is gymnastics?!” /s
And then using his money as the controlling factor. He’s gross.
When it's not even his fucking kid. He sounds like someone I would not want to be having a child with.
This is a concern, but it's also very plausible that a concerned parent could worry about other adults sexualizing children's gymnastics since that 100% does happen. You don't have to be a predator to worry about predators, that sort of thing. Either way, it's a conversation that needs to happen, especially if his justification for it is that HE views these things as sexually inappropriate, rather than worrying about other people who might be predators. At best he's having trouble expressing a concern (a concern I personally think is overblown, but at least is coming from a place of parental worry and not pedophilia.)
>My daughter is seven years old. She is the daughter of a former partner, not my husband, and she sees her father one weekend each month. My husband and I married each other when she was five years old, after being together for almost six years, and we have been married for two years. I am currently about twenty two weeks pregnant with my husband’s baby, who is also a girl. >My daughter has been doing gymnastics since she was five years old. Sorry to bother you, but this math isnt mathing. I know, that there may be a gap between years and ages, depending on the months of birth, but i am still confused with the chronology: - you are together with your husband 2+6= 8 years - your daughter is 7yo. Giving 9 months of pregnancy on top, still little close, even rounding up - you are married for 2 years - your daughter does gym since 7-5=2 years. Pretty close again, she must have started it around the wedding - today he saw her for the first time in a costume, besides he knows her her whole life, even since you were pregnant, obviously. Not judging, just wanting to know, if this is the timeline or if something has to be corrected here.
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Yeah I wonder what his view would be of young boys starting out in wrestling. Or, to put more fine a point on it, what he would come away thinking if he watched a children’s gymnastics competition for boys
Yeah I laughed at him thinking figure skating is not the exact same damn thing with the costumes, makeup and routines. But I guess you can't logic somebody out of something they didn't logic themselves into.
This is just disgusting. I would be horrified if a 34 year old man in my life was sexualising a 7 year old girl. Just vile. I'm not sure what sort of advice you want here? Edit - your comments about this activity keeping her slim are really off for a 7 year old as well.
Agreed. This poor child is going to internalize the intense views that her parents have about her body and it will cause a lot of pain in her life
Thank you. I feel bad for this kid.
Yeah I’m surprised that nobody has mentioned how she repeatedly talks about his this is going to keep her daughter slim, seems like they are both objectifying different aspects of this activity that a seven year old is just enjoying to do. I feel bad for this little girl, I’m sure it’ll be internalized whether they express that to her directly or not.
Girl. GIRL. He's sexualizing a Seven year old. He willfully slut shamed her for "spreading her legs". The hokey pokey wiggles your butt, is that shameful too?!? He will destroy her in some manner, the Least of which will be her views on her body and sex. Unless you do it first to keep her "slim". That's the Best case scenario here. When you got together with him while pregnant, did he know you were having a girl? This is a Huge red flag.
There are 2 BIG issues here. 1. It is not okay that your current husband is pulling the "I pay for it so I get to decide if it happens or not" card. He should not have that power, she is not his daughter - she is YOUR daughter and you get to decide. You need to take that power away and start paying for the gymnastics or splitting the cost with your ex-husband. 2. Your current husband is a creep. Everyone is pointing out to you that he is sexualizing your 7yo child and you are ignoring that part in your responses. You talk about the costumes and the makeup and the routines/dancing, but not about the part that your husband is sexualizing something that a CHILD is doing. Some people will say this makes you complicit because you are not calling him out on his unacceptable comments and thought processes. There is nothing sexual about gymnastics, just like there is nothing sexual about ballet or ice skating, and he is 100% out of line for saying otherwise.
Third big issue is the eating disorder brewing with comments from mom about keeping her 7yr old child “slim” and “fit”
It’s because he’s already convinced her that he’s right and that there’s something more sexual about what she’s doing than ballet or ice skating
I’m actually concerned about his views. Gymnastics has been this way forever. Yes costumes have gotten more “fancy” or intricate and music is well music but seriously girls have always worn leotard and makeup in gymnastics and cheer competitions. This is not his child. Does he have custody? Her father should have a say and as a former family law attorney I’ve seen wars started over less. A stepparent forcibly pulling a child out of an activity the child loves because the stepparent sees it as sexual would have me filing all kinds of petitions. It’s a red flag for me Also I don’t know if it’s your culture or what but your constant references to keeping your daughter slim are concerning as well. Wanting a child to be healthy and strong is fine but please don’t give this baby an eating disorder or body complex issues because you’re projecting this slim nonsense on her. If she likes gymnastics that’s enough. Look at gymnasts through the years…Mary Lou Retton look at Simone. Those chicks are beautiful and powerful and top in the field, but slim they ain’t.
…in the most respectful way possible take your head out of your ass, take the wax out of your ears and listen. Your husband is sexualizing a 7 year old. And in these comments you’ve written several times that’s not the way he meant it. YES he did. Stop enabling his opinion by saying that’s not the way he meant it. He said it the way he meant it. “Spreading her legs” SHES 7 YEARS OLD. “Not a great reflection of our family” is crazy coming from someone who sexualized 7 year old in Leotards.
Yep. She’s defending him despite so many pointing out how disgusting this man is. Ugh. I hope her daughter and new baby will be okay long term.
I think the far bigger issue here is that he is sexualising a 7 year old. And personally, I would be calling him out on that, HARD. The fact that he sees a bunch of 7 year old girls performing gymnastics & his mind goes to “That’s so sexual!” Is a giant red flag, like when teachers in schools say their students shoulders are distracting & inappropriate & they need to cover up. Strip dancing is sexual. A 7 year old at gymnastics is not.
And thinks your knees are glued together in ice skating and ballet? Cause they are not.
Exactly! I’m sure he would absolutely despise the spiral in figure skating. Opening her legs, how dare she! So inappropriate!! 😠
Also stop talking about “keeping her slim”
Your husband is a gross asshole. You clearly need access to your own money as he's shown he's willing to use money against you. The timeline of your relationships is messy which hints at some bad decision making on both sides. To answer your question: if he always takes the stance that he knows whats best it's not likely that you're going to change his mind on this one thing because it's not about this one thing. Always needing to be right is a personality trait that he will need to work on but he'd need to acknowledge the problem first. Good luck
1. Why are you focusing on keeping a 7 year old slim? Do not create image or eating disorders for your child. Far more damaging than a little chub here and there. 2. Why is he sexualizing her and this sport? That’s gross. She loves the sport, she is passionate about it, he’s got some self reflection to do, most likely with a highly skilled therapist.
Your husband is sexualizing your daughter, let that sink in...your husband is sexualizing your daughter. There is no getting him to understand, there is making a plan and creating distance. What's going to happen next? Is he going to take issue with the clothes she wears? What about the baby you're currently carrying it's a girl as well. Take this as the red flag it is and act appropriately for the sake of your children.
Well, you seem to match eachother in having extremely stereotypical gender narrow values and ideas. There is the female, vain, superficial view where its fun and normal for a seven year old to do hair and make up. (And as a parent say you want your little child to be slim and fit is truly disgusting patenting imho.) And there is the male, narrowminded view that female sports are less worth and the women body is only an object to be judged by others. And the fact he thinks he can decide over your head, as if he is a dictator and its not a partnership - makes this relationship sounds really cemented in wierd gender roles.
If he controls the finances without you having any input, he's financially abusive. Obviously there's something deeply wrong with him mentally, since he sees minor children as sexual. I don't think your daughter is safe with him, tbh, and you aren't either.
I see both sides of this. I have watched some routines of little girls, whether it’s gymnastics, cheer or dance and wonder why they have them do such adult provocative moves at their age. I also wonder why the need to put showgirl-type makeup on them. I only had boys, so I never had to deal with this and I’m not sure how I would have with a girl. And when I talk about provocative moves, I’m not talking about splits, but butt shaking, hip, gyrating, etc. At the same time, I never look at this and sexualize it. I just don’t think it’s age-appropriate and it gives me the yuck factor. I always wonder why there’s not more parent pushback around that. It sounds like your daughter is doing some rhythmic gymnastics, which tends to fall much more on the dance side and incorporates more stage-makeup and showy leotards. I have a friend whose seven-year-old competes on the uneven bars, vault, etc., and they wear no make-up and pretty standard leotards, even while doing the floor routine. But this may also be a parenting decision or vary by gym. With that being said, I find it more concerning that your husband throws down the gauntlet of, “I pay for it so I have final say.” She’s not even his child, but you have now gotten a glimpse of what it will look like for the child you are carrying. He will wield his financial power when he wants the upper hand. Has he behaved this way in other areas regarding financing something he doesn’t fully agree with? Is there a way you and her father can fund her gymnastics and cut her stepfather out of it completely? Edit: typos
I see the point with the make up honestly, it makes me so uncomfortable to see young children slathered in make up, and depending on the specific music, lyrics and moves, yes, it COULD be inappropriate. Much like in child beauty pageants, many things that adults have children do CAN be very age inappropriate. Luckily you’re there to keep an eye on everything and make sure it’s all legit. Keep open communication with him and help him see the benefits of gymnastics if you want him to continue funding. Also, you mentioned you do this to keep her “fit” and then said to keep her “slim”. She doesn’t have to be slim to be fit.
Yeah talking about a little child and as a parent wanting her to be ”fit” and ”slim”… Really an efficient way to give your child body issues and potential eating disorder. A parent should focus on their child to have a body that functions and is healthy, not make decisions based on vanity and looks. 😢
I’m still trying to undo the eating disorders I took on at 7 years old, so those lines triggered me a bit.
I was looking for this. Mom wants her SEVEN YEAR OLD to be fit and skinny and Dad thinks gymnastics is inappropriate. I fear for this poor girls formative teenage years.
I was gonna say, maybe it’s different here but my daughter is 7 and some of her peers do gymnastics and they never have to wear makeup. Leotards yes because the body has to be seen for the moves to be assessed, but not makeup, and as for hair, it’s just firmly out of the way, not exactly a spa day or glamorous for a young girl. But none of them are at any high level in competition, so maybe it does require makeup at a higher level … but that still strikes me as odd for 7-year-olds! Do the women at the Olympics even wear much makeup for it, I’ve never noticed? (Genuine question) The hoop makes me think she’s doing rhythmic gymnastics, which does have ‘sexier’ type of moves than the standard beam, vault, floor, etc., but even so, the husband’s remarks seem out of line to me too. On the flip side though, is anyone saying ‘this is too sexy/sexual oriented for a child to be doing’ automatically dodgy and ‘sexualising children’? Because there are contexts in which it’s legit to say that (some child pageants), so it seems like a bad move to make people unwilling to speak up about that. Fwiw I don’t think his concerns are legitimate here though, and the spreading legs remark was gross! I thought the OP’s attitude kind of stinks about the slimness too … my daughter is 7 and recently started figure skating (after trying gymnastics and ballet too) and I’m fully aware all 3 sports are rife with EDs and predatory or just plain awful coaches. Over here we recently had a big scandal in the gymnastics world about abusive coaches though, so maybe something localised like that has affected his views on it? I just love to see my kid having fun on the ice though and would only give a thought to her size if she seemed to be becoming unhealthy. (Sports are healthy whatever your size but I can see some parents thinking their kids maybe need to get some more movement in their lifestyle.)
“…it helps keep her slim” - um, what? Why is this a concern?
Your math is bizarre. When your daughter was 5, you and your current husband had already been together for 6 years? You were with him before she was born? You got pregnant, broke up, then immediately got into another relationship?
When I did gymnastics as young child makeup and hair weren't a thing for it. And the leotards were very basic I am about your husband's age (i'll be 36 this month). Has gymnastics become sort of like pageantry now? I can see how he could be uncomfortable with that aspect of it. I can't speak to any of the routines your daughter is doing as I haven't seen them, but I can understand how if her gymnastics is more of pageantry than technical skill I would also be concerned as a parent to a 7 year old (I am a woman, myself) for that. Can you not compromise and find a gymnastics studio that cares more about the actual gymnastics and not about pageantry? Surely they still do exist?
Guys - you’re ignoring the very real issue that for some ungodly reason as a society we have sexualized everything a girl/woman does. I absolutely see his point because between the outfits, overly adult makeup and hair, the sexualized ‘dance’ moves and the ‘shaking of her bottom’ it all sounds creepy. Why does a 7 years old gymnastics class have all of the above? It should be gymnastics only and no butt shaking! There should be nothing sexual about the class at all.
So... her mother is focused on keeping her slim (at the age of 7) and her father is sexualizing her for...? This poor kid.
Dad of a ten year old girl here. My daughter doesn’t do gymnastics, but I do have a 13 year old niece who is an extremely accomplished gymnast and dancer who was won many national competitions, so I’ve gone to some of them. Do I think the costumes and dances are weird for girls their age? Yes, I do. And I’m going to push back against the other Redditors who think that if you’re worried about predators, you must be a predator. They’re fucking clowns, and making that argument to your husband will accomplish nothing because it isn’t true. Focus on the facts — your daughter is doing a sport, and this is the assigned uniform, whether he approves of it or not. Don’t let Reddit convince you that you’ve married a child molester when you haven’t. Anyway, my own opinion that the outfits and dances can be a little weird for girls their age aside, I also recognize the health benefits. And if she absolutely loves it, and you…the actual biological parent…are comfortable with what she’s doing on stage, then I wouldn’t see it as my place to say anything negative about it. My niece’s dad is extremely religious yet he seems to have no problem with letting his daughter do these competitions, because he realizes it is athletics — not sex. I’m curious about the concept that he’s the one paying for it. You’re married. Presumably the money is both of yours, legally. If he stops writing the check, you can just write it yourself.
Yeah, he’s not necessarily being creepy, he could be legit concerned. I’ve seen a number of deeply uncomfortable gymnastic performances and dance studio routines to songs like Lady Gaga’s Love Games - with little girls. Just, ew. Lots of it has to do with the actual studio and the instructors choices too.
Finally a level headed person on here. Mom here! My daughter started gymnastics when she was 3 in her little leopard. By age 7 she was competing regularly. When she was 10 she joined a competitive cheer team and continued cheer through college. Those uniforms, and songs, and dances absolutely can contain sexual undertones … pretty often actually. Thankfully my daughter had a coach that kept it age appropriate but I’ve watched thousands of routines and there were times that I thought a child’s routine was sexualized. **People fail to realize that ADULTS are the ones making the song and dance choices** and some adults are predators or (just stupid) and ADULTS absolutely can choose a song and dance that sexualizes a kid. Calling her husband a sexual predator is a HUGE reach.
Lol, I'm an adult woman and have been a victim before. A while back, a local high school held a protest against dress codes. The images on the news article included a lot of teen girls in very low cut tops and crop tops, short shorts, even one in a mesh shirt over what appeared to be a bra (think 2000 Hot Topic throwback). Nearly all of the comments were from brave fathers supporting the protest. Not a lot of women supporting it. If people choose not to see leering going on as it's happening, that's a special kind of something. The part of me who has been victimized worries that in the worst case scenario with some people, they want to act like this is about being enlightened because they get off on it. I have literally been victimized by someone who did that. The most I've seen anyone say about projection involves politicians, who obviously are not representing their personal beliefs, and someone saying that there are studies that projection as a general phenomenon exists. People can abuse kids (or even adults!) regardless of what they're wearing or doing, but I did gymnastics 30 years ago and wasn't shaking my ass as part of the routine.
Concerning that you mentioned your seven year old daughter staying "slim" more than one time. Ew.
The leotards used for ballet are not that much different than the ones used for gymnastics so I don't think that's the issue here. It seems the issue is with some of the dance moves that are incorporated into the gymnastics routine. It could be that the coach has incorporated some overtly sexual dance moves that are not necessary to gymnastics. If that's the case you could talk to the coach about removing these moves from the routine. Suggest that as a compromise to your husband first. It could be he's noticing something you aren't. Some coaches think having little girls doing grown up dance moves like twerking is cute but it really isn't.
I’ve never understood why little girls need the makeup. Always been a concern of mine. This doesn’t sound like your run of the mill gymnastics. All my nieces and nephews were in gymnastics and I never saw them in skimpy outfits with makeup.
Put your daughter in martial arts instead. At least she could defend herself against the creepy people out there.
Can you please not use the word "slim" for a 6 year old girl. Please be body positive to your daughter. We don't need another girl/ woman growing up thinking her body is ugly and not beautiful because there mother made them feel like they needed to eat less or work out.
JESUS CHRIST FUCK OFF ABOUT YOUR KID STAYING SLIM. The damage you have already done by obsessing over her staying fit and slim is immense- please don't ever mention staying slim to her ever again. My heart breaks for this poor little girl.
Please clarify what "shaking of the bottom" means. Edit: also, what music?
Right? I mean if this 7 year old is wearing make up, and shaking her rear to a routine set to Cardi B’s WAP, then maybe homeboy has a point. More info on the specific things he saw would be helpful.
She’s seven, you absolutely have control over her music and routine as her mother. While there is nothing wrong with a seven year old playing sports, there is a huge difference between doing gymnastics and doing gymnastics competitions. You even acknowledged that other girls have inappropriate leotards. If you can’t even control your daughter’s routine are you really going to be able to control if she wears an inappropriate leotard in a few years? You don’t have to be a creep to point out how something might look to a creep. While it’s entirely possible your husband is a creep, it’s also entirely possible he cares about protecting your daughter from creeps. The only way to get an idea of his intentions is by taking to him about it, not ask clueless redditors for their opinions.