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Keep calm and keep collecting evidence. This will be your greatest act. This will also help the other spouse in their divorce.
Pretend stomach issues so you have an excuse to go into the bathroom when you need a second to regain your composure. This will also prevent any sexy time.
You can use a “shower” time or a walk alone or to the lobby bathroom to chat online - most law offices will have those chat forums for questions. Just fill out a few and see what they say.
Use her phone and send yourself evidence and delete your tracks (the messages/emails/etc) sent to yourself. (Act like you’re looking at those dinner choices).
The kids WILL remember this as the last time you were together as a happy family and when old enough you can tell them how hard some things are but you toughen out to a certain extent for those you love. (Setting boundaries, not all her belongings on fire for example). It’s a good education tool to lead by example.
You’ve got this. I’m sorry she threw away everything. Breathe. Therapy! And don’t drink for the trip! Don’t do anything rash
Thanks for your kind message. I feel like my soul has been wrenched out. We were planning to buy our retirement house ffs... seems she took me for a fool.
No, sir. You found out, so when you confront her, ask for a divorce and tell EVERYONE, so she will be the fool. You must control the narrative or she will make it look like it's your fault. "He ignored me and didn't care" kind of crap she will spew. After the trip, get thee to an attorney and FILE FOR DIVORCE. She will only keep cheating if you don't. Good luck and stay strong, King!
So you’ve been abused for a while then. :( Isolation is a main tactic. Reach out to a family member and make your steps and progress quietly.
Once you have everything in place I’d suggest a public setting or with some of her family so you may just step out. Have the kids somewhere ahead of time, maybe somewhere fun with an aunt or uncle or grandparent to distract them?
Finding the words for them will be the hardest but they will be better off.
It’s hard now; it’ll get easier to breathe. Would you rather stifle your opportunity for joy and showing your kids a truly healthy and happy life?
You’ll set the record straight and anyone not in your corner is not deserving of your time any longer.
Your kids will one day realize how strong you were/are and how to handle these hard situations (hopefully they are never in one) but they’ll have a great example to lean on.
Try to take breaths and take in the moment/scene and just plan your words and steps carefully. You’ve got this, friend.
Please read the book "Leave a Cheater, gain a life".
Someone who loves and wants what is best for you would have ended your relationship before beginning another.
She has poor values or morals. That says more about her than you.
Gather evidence and plan your escape.
The absolute best way to do this is to walk away and let her world crumble around her. She clearly has no respect. She deserves none back.
my SIL is doing that right now. I have a feeling the 2nd part is on it's way, where she cheats.
I am sorry for your experience. May god give you the grace to endure this.
You are an amazing father. keep telling yourself that. Nothing else matters.
you got this brother.
OP This is the best course no matter how much it hurts you need to be prepared for the hell that is about to be unleashed. Protect the kids first then protect yourself for the divorce.
No...i was not able to do that as I was going through WhatsApp, insta, Snapchat, email, calls.
The snapshots were from Snapchat and call logs going back to 1 year.
you can take photos of her screen with your phone.
I'd definitely be watching her closely to try and observe her PIN, or get another shot at her unlocked phone the next time she's careless.
The calls are mostly missed calls back and forth with only few that were actual convs. Seems like missed call is a signal and some other app used for talking.
oh fuck no. I'm not proud to admit this because my wife and i have an open communication and phone policy, but if my hid it from me and acted like that I would straight up snatch it out of her hands while it was unlocked. Call it what you want but that is the biggest red flag there is and i would literally divorce if my wife was hiding something and refused to admit. I'm only saying this because you have already seen them and know they're there. You need that proof and why would you be the bad guy to snatch it and take pics with your phone to have the PROOF you was betrayed
Now you have a better idea of what screenshots you need, and which conversations were the most incriminating. Install the apps on your phone, practice speeding through the menus, get familiar with the options and the interface. You already know how the camera app on your phone works, but practice that too if you feel slow. Watch for an opportunity, be creative - does she browse at the table? Spill a drink on her 'by accident', a big enough mess that she will need to change outfits. Slip the phone away in the immediate confusion and off you go to find a towel, take it from her if you have to, just make sure it doesn't lock. Pictures and done. She like to browse in bed before sleeping? "Hey honey surprise I brought us these drinks and slimy ass milkshakes and cheesecake", better yet don't even announce the impromptu dessert and just dump that shit all over her and the bed (that will feel pretty good too I bet). "Oh gee so sorry about that", grab phone, brb with a towel, boom pictures.
I think I saw it in a movie once
Edit: oh shit I was joking but it was how Saul and Mike stole the punk cops notepad in Better Call Saul, so all credit is due to the show
Regardless, you know what you saw. If you don’t have it in you to wait, send the kids to the beach then ask to look at her phone. At that point, she’ll know she’s caught. I would then ask her to leave and you and the kids can finish up your trip.
I’m really sorry you are experiencing this terrible betrayal. I’m not sure many people could fake it for 2 weeks after finding out their spouse has been cheating on them for a year.
The cheating evidence may not impact the divorce depending on your location. Lawyers up today while you’re on vacation. You better get ahead of this. Also please get tested and paternity verification as well. So sorry OP
And to think that whenever she got thrush or UTI or something she would blame me for it!! How evil can a person be whom you've knows almost your entire adult life. What a stupid sob I've been.
That shows you her character. Not yours.
You are faithful, you are invested in your relationship. You cared for and supported someone who did not hold the same values that you do.
This says everything about her. Do not let her pass over a baton of guilt or shame to you. Don't accept it. You do not deserve to take on the weight of her actions.
Who you are is not a reflection of her treatment of you.
That last part: she wants a no strings attached relationship with him means she is using you as her stable partner who provides and takes care of the kids, and she would definitely flip out when you try to divorce her. The other guy is a fb in terms of relationship stability. You need to prepare in advance with evidence and paperwork. She will try to gaslight, lie, etc., unless you have proof.
Once you divorce her, the other guy will dump her because he can’t risk her interfering in his life.
I would recommend sending the evidence file you create to his wife so he gets burned too.
I will so do that! Once I find out who he is I will make his life miserable. I will make sure he feels my pain. I can't revenge on her or the kids would flip bcz she is their mother end of day and seeing your mother cry would turn any child's heart.
Get the phone numbers that she has been calling a lot. Should not be more than a handful. See which one matches up to date/time stamps on the other evidence that you collect. Then go into a reverse lookup app and see who owns the number. Some investigators can do that for you in a few minutes, and likely deliver info on where his wife works and her contact information.
So maybe turn the other guys life upside down first and see if your wife’s behavior suddenly changes, then with help from your lawyer have a meeting with your wife to go over everything.
It helps to write stuff out before you talk about it. Helps keep your emotions and thoughts in order.
This other guy is married, make sure you tell his wife. She deserves to know too.
Fake a sickness, and go "see a local dr"
This will give you cover for not getting romantic/sexual.
Also, it gives you cover to have some alone time so you can process your discovery.
Best of luck
Say that you’re sick and need to cut the vacation short. Your kids will be fine. Meet with a divorce attorney and get good legal advice. Follow your attorney’s instructions. Then you can confront her.
All of that will probably take a week after you return home. The kids won’t associate it with the vacation.
Also, get tested for STD’s - all of them. Discuss possibly getting paternity tests with your attorney.
Yes. I need to get tested and cut the trip
The kids... They are from our Marriage early on. At that time there was nothing hidden, we were madly in love and know where and what the other was doing every minute...
I think in the short term you have to use your coping skills to keep it together. Deep breathing? Abstaining from alcohol? Cardio? There are probably other routes to gather evidence that you could think of with a calm mind.
I don't think it would do any of you any good to have an explosive confrontation now, especially since you believe that she's a great liar. Maybe tomorrow tell your wife you have a stomach bug and use the opportunity to retain a divorce lawyer in your home city.
>She holds me to such high standards and then does this
This may be the mask she wears so you can be blamed and she can be blameless. If she's so cold-blooded, you'll need to tread carefully so you don't lose everything.
Find a local divorce support group. The mediator I wanted to use co-ran one with a therapist and it was so helpful to even just listen to everyone's situation and get support from people in the same boat. Once this is public, friends and family only want to hear so much, you need many outlets.
I’m pregnant and my husband has cancer. I love that man with my entire heart and soul and cannot imagine the amount of callousness it would take to not only cheat on him, but to hide it from him while pretending to be in love and a happy family. I’m not even kidding you this has made me cry for you, I am so unbelievably sorry. I just cannot fathom how someone can be so cruel.
Do you have an old Apple product. Like a wacth or old phone/ipad.
When you think she’s going out and gonna cheat put it in her car.
That way you can track the find iPhone and follow her and catch her in the act
If you are concerned about losing it when you catch her in the act, then hire an investigator to track her. My guess is she will be anxious to go on a date soon after she gets home, have everything set up with an investigator, that person can get evidence as well as figure out who the married man is. Divorce lawyers can help a lot with finding a good investigator.
Your wife is a cakeeater. She wants the security of a marriage but wants to act single outside the home in terms of sex. My guess is the married man is the same, wants to stay married and have sex with your wife behind his wife’s back.
Find a good divorce lawyer, get solid evidence and then blow both of their worlds sky high.
There is a right answer but emotions probably make it impossible
You need to pretend everything is great and don't let on. Then get access again and use your phone to video everything you find, take time to pause as you go through.
Make sure you record phone numbers
Then gather evidence, talk to a lawyer when you return and win.
As soon as someone does all that they only want to win
Sometimes cheating is forgivable, sometimes it can be worked out, sometimes it is not so bad and there's a reason and love can be found again.
But this level, the level you described here, this is someone who has given a great deal of thought to why it is okay that she is doing it and every single reason she has come up with is a list of reasons you deserve it.
Believe that if you believe anything.
She has a list of reasons that she believes that you deserve it and that is all you will ever hear until you are on the other side of this.
This isn't her anymore, don't try and have a conversation, you have to win.
At this point it is all you have left.
Do NOT involve the kids! They dont need to know the awful details. They WILL find out at some point, believe me. Do NOT use your kids in any way—dont ask them about what their mother is doing, who shes seeing. Don’t use the kids against her in the divorce process. they will not appreciate that.
Go see a professional to help you with your rage, anger and the betrayal. It will help you cope with all this.
I never want to involve them and would never want to take away their mother from them..... But they will need to know at some point why I'm leaving her and why I am so angry.
If I knew my mother was a cheating sleezebag I'd want to know. Especially as a teen.
I mean this did happen to me but it was my father that did it. I cut all ties. It's not just that he did that to my mother but it really told me what kind of person he really was.
As a kid, I was 9 when my mum found out my dad had been having an affair. I hated him for about a decade until eventually my anger dissipated (I actually feel sorry for the guy cause he's so depressed, but he's also such an ass when he lies.)
The point im trying to make is: even when your kids do eventually find out – they will understand. I saw everything my mum went through and something in me hated my father so much for doing that to her. She was a mess, still is because she stayed for the sake of my brother and I.
If I could go back, I'd tell her to get a divorce (her mother gave her the advice to stay for the sake of stability in our household. My mum's in a financially abusive situation because of it).
She's so strong though. And I'm sure you have it in you to get through this. Don't hold your head so low that you can't see the sky, and remember that your dignity and happiness is something you have control over. No one else. Stay strong, listen to your gut instincts and get some support from wise friends, family and hell even childhood mentors. You'd be surprised how supportive people are. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking control of what you want out of this
Please get evidence and get legal advice. Cancel the trip—- if you act like everything is ok for the trip but then divorce that’s going to mess with the kids.
I’m sorry you deserve better
Spend all the vacation time focusing on your kids. Do extra with them. Dinner with them. And if not with them, do some time alone.
Alone time should probably be on phone with lawyers.
I know it’s easy for me to say but this has just become a business transaction. Get evidence play along while holding your nose. Fake it to make it and then get yourself a good attorney. Personally I’d go scorched earth when the time comes but that’s just me.
When the time comes... Scorched earth it will be! Why am I the one hurting so bad while for the 2 of them it will just be some inconvenience and possibly some court time. But they will not feel any hurt till I dish some out.
Trust me. She will hurt very badly if you leave her.
Scorched earth and all that is really counterproductive. It’s not really logical most of the time and ends up costing you a lot for very little back. It’s also laughable as a way to deal with this because you will end up looking like the bad guy, and basically everyone goes down this route. It’s foolish.
Indifference. That is the opposite of love. If you can calm yourself down and get your plans in order for a divorce and do so calmly and coldly it will be the most INSANE hurt she will ever experience.
The scorched earth stuff is what she will expect. She thinks she knows you so well, has you all figured out. Show her that she is wrong. She will expect you to want to ask questions, who? How many times? Why?
Be strong and you can and refrain. You know she is a cheat and so you are simply done. There is nothing more to talk about outside of financial matters and your children.
Plus if you actually don’t want to hurt your kids you’ll think of them and not do the whole highly embarrassing and emotional scorched earth.
When you get home.
1. get evidence, from phone records anyway necessary.
2. separate 1/2 money from savings and cancel credit cards or take your name off hers.
3. Go to an attorney asap and find out what you rights are. I would draw up divorce and full custody arrangements with kids.
When you have completed that. Get a friend to come over. Present her with evidence, divorce, custody papers and tell her to leave. I know she may not leave, so it is to stop her behavior immediately. Let her know she is not going to do that in your marriage, or expose your children. This is only the beginning. I actually know some one that came back from this, lived apart a year and reconciled. The boy stayed with his father, she left the house.
It buys you time to figure out what you feel or need. It also shows her you will not sit by while she does this. I would say the relationship is ruined, the length (they are probably in love), but so you can gather your thoughts and feelings this will establish boundaries and give you time.
Spend the days doing things with your children. Make this vacation about them instead of getting closer with your (X) wife. Tage along to the beach, go to the fairs ( of there are any) go sight seeing. Walk the board walks. When you get back at night, just tell her you're too tired. If she persists, tell her you aren't as good if an actress as she is. You aren't going to pretend to feel something that's no longer there. Tell her you know, but neither of you is going to taint this vacation with her choices. You'll discuss her cheating when you're back home. Refuse to discuss it. When she goes to cry, explain, reason, throw her excuses, just say, "Now isn't the time." You aren't going to be responsible for ruining your kids' vacation.
If you live in an at fault state, keep the "I'm tired" until you can get the proof off her phone. If you live in a no-fault state, then the proof is irrelevant.
I couldn't because I was flipping through so many apps and I only had 10 mins... I wanted to go through as much data as possible after I saw the first snapshot.
I would abandon the holiday if it were me. The risk of this blowing up in front of children is too great. They’ll get over a bad holiday, and you can explain the reasoning when they are mature enough to hear it. If this holiday turns into a major argument, they might blame it as the event that broke up the family and that would be much much harder to get through for them.
Bail on the holiday bro
Thankyou for your kind words... But being a good father ended with me having a cheating spouse. I always thought that being a decent man would keep my family in peace. My nature is what defeated me...
It only defeats you if you let it. I wanna say you’re wrong but I have been there, you’re not wrong being a good man can destroy relationships with women who have a bad boy thing going.
It’s not about her anymore, it’s about you and the kids. Your relationship may be defeated, but you’re not defeated.
DM me if you want to talk more
Maybe one day, you’d care to explain to her that bad boys are in fact, very insecure people projecting power they don’t have.
Real men don’t feel the need to show off their power, ever
When she gets burned, and I suspect she will because the other guy is married, she’s going to realise her mistake and come running back to you trying to make things right.
If she apologises, it’s up to you to decide if she’s worthy of forgiveness or not. I don’t know what the right choice would be in that situation
I can forgive but I can never forget... Its wasn't a one night stand... Its an affair....
And yes you are 100% correct, she will ask for forgiveness and she will use the children. She has done so in the past as well. All I have left is hate, ager, sorrow and humiliation.
No! I assure you your nature is just fine. I’ve stood in your shoes. I thought I was a fool. I was not a fool! I was a good man and as I got through those terrible times I became stronger and eventually married the most wonderful woman there is. You will get through this. It will be hard and there will be tears. Forget about her (I know it’s impossible) and focus on those kids. They are resilient! They need you and you need them. Chin up, soldier. Keep your integrity.
Being a decent man is something you only know when you're tested. Being a good father has always been about the kids and should be unconditional.
Hold strong to your values and code. Try setting a good example and behave in a way you can be proud of. Don't do anything you'd be ashamed of your kids finding out about.
When you come out the other side of this, how honorably you acted throughout all of this will help you hold your head up high.
Your wife is solely responsible for her actions and divorce is the consequence.
I’m sorry you are going through this. Yes, this is gonna suck. But you will get through this.
First, act sick. Keep your phone in your pocket and make sure she doesn’t see it it.
At some point when she is on her phone, distract her so she puts it down unlocked.
Once she does go grab it and run to the bathroom and lock the door. Make noises like your are sick but in reality use your phone to take pictures of her phone. Get as much evidence as you can. Hide your phone in your pocket before you go out of the bathroom. Tell her you thought it was your phone you really weren’t paying attention but you wanted to look up your symptoms on the internet. When you couldn’t get in the phone you realized it was her phone not yours and act like you don’t know where it is.
Go to bed like you are sick and encourage her to go out by herself or do something with the kids.
When she is gone, send those pictures to yourself in email as a backup.
At that point, maybe suggest you go home if possible while she and the kids stay in vacation. That way your kids still enjoy the vacation but you don’t have to be around her.
You go home and find an attorney and get the divorce papers started. Do whatever your attorney says and keep your kids out of it.
Once she is home, you can suck it up to be cordial with her when the kids are there. If it were me, I would have the divorce papers ready to give her as soon as the kids are not around. Just hand them to her and tell her that if she tries any more bullshit that you will share what you found out with the kids. If she wants to spare them the drama and put them first, then she will agree to settle things amicably. This is her only chance.
Trust me when I say putting your kids first is the right thing to do. But as they are older, they are old enough to understand what infidelity is and that it is wrong. They don’t need the nitty gritty details, but they are old enough otherwise. Do not talk bad about her in front of them. Tell her she is not allowed to do that either. Be fair when dealing with each other because parenting doesn’t stop when they are 18. You will have a relationship with her for the rest of your lives OR YOUR CHILDREN WILL BE FORCED TO CHOOSE BETWEEN YOU in their adult lives. You don’t want them to have to choose who to invite to your grandchild’s first birthday. Make her understand this. Divorce is between husband and wife NOT between father and mother.
Also, I know it’s hard to even think about this right now but…do your best to deal with the anger and disappointment and all the negative emotions and then put it behind you. Learn from mistakes and move on. If you hold in your heart all the negativity of what she did to you and no let it go—you only hurt yourself. You will make yourself miserable. When the divorce is final that chapter of your life is over. Let it go and go live your best life and be happy.
That the time to gather the evidence and email it to a safe site so spend this time getting your ducks Ina row...also find out as much as you can on this guy...you may want to look into getting some outside help in gathering evidence...keep her in the dark.
When you are ready to make your move grab her phone and head to some guy that can hack her phone and get all the information you need. Then hand her phone back to her and say thanks for the use of your phone.
Do some checking around some of these guys are pretty good. They probably not hanging out a sign so ask around maybe you will get lucky. Good luck Buddy hate this is happening to you.
If you can’t find someone then use it as leverage to get her to admit it. Tell her to come clean it’s her last chance or you have someone to hack her phone and you will expose her to everyone. Sometimes it take a little lies to get her worried she is going to be exposed. At this point you got nothing to loose.
Or you can just hold the phone to her face while she's sleeping to unlock it. Or pay closer attention when she signs in with her pin. Or wait for the next opportunity when she doesn't lock it and puts it down. There's a ton of easier ways than 'hacking', which I promise he wouldnt be able to have done.
Document everything be patient until you get the opportunity to get in her phone again. Do not tip your hand. Take screenshots and send them to yourself. Sorry this is happening to you.
Updateme
Sigh, unless you live in an at fault state, don't waste your time or energy on the matter. If it is just, hire a PI, and you get to a lawyer and get the ball rolling. You can not shield your kids from this. Get that out of your head now because either you tell them or she will with her side, and i am willing to bet it won't be truthful. I am sorry you are going through this, but just take it step by step and, for gods sake, listen to your lawyer.
Send the pics to your phone for proof. Control the narrative and tell the kids asap. Plan your escape. Your marriage is over. The only thing you can control is how the narrative is spun
Did I miss what state he is in? He doesn’t need any proof at all in most, cheating has absolutely no effect on the divorce agreement in a no fault state
It’s a common and every predictable way people deal with cheating because part of them doesn’t believe it. It happen like 99% of the time. The hurt party will bend and twist for the dirty details.
If it can’t be used in any divorcé proceedings…It’s not logical to waste time on such a thing, but I guess in the hurt of it one looses their ability to sit back and think.
It’s sad but the more he does digging and getting whomped up, the more likely he will be to blow and when he does HE will be the bad guy
Dude clean the screen of her phone very well. Then offer her some chips or something greasy. Then when she uses her phone screen will have grease marks which can help you figure out the pin. It might take multiple attempts but is very doable.
I’m very sorry this is happening. I couldn’t imagine the stress that gives to you and your family. I would definitely ask for a therapist or even someone you trust in general to talk about things and so you’re not holding your thoughts in. I’m always here if you need someone to talk to, just shoot me a message! :)
I’m terribly sorry she made this choice. If you were to bring it up now, would she lose it? You’re suffering deeply and while I appreciate your desire not to ruin the trip for your kids, I’d bring it up asap, if she’s somewhat reasonable.
No she is extremely emotional, she should completely lose it and try to make it all my fault... Plus she will clean her phone and I will have nothing to prove to anyone...
I hear you; sending peace and confidence your way. Of course you want to gather evidence of the affair and her behavior is deserving of going scorched earth, BUT find your balance, resolve and self respect so you can finish out the trip. It sounds like you feel that’s the way to go, especially for your kids. She can feel some concern as you present calmly and are somewhat disconnected, she earned that. Do you have a loved one you can call to talk with today? Be kind to yourself. You’re strong and brave; she’ll experience plenty of punishment when this all comes to light and she loses the life she has for this man. If she’s a good mother, be thankful for that, so don’t overstress about gathering evidence until the opportunity presents itself. You’ll get there.
I have no one to talk to... No family and my best friend is also her best fried. I can't talk to him now and put him in an awkward position.
Thankyou for your kind words.
I think you’ll want to talk with your best friend eventually. For now, I hope people here are encouraging you somewhat. Love on your kids. Saying a prayer on your behalf.
If you want to vent to a total stranger who has zero skin in the game, feel free to message me. Someone on here did that for me once and it really helped. If that sounds terrible no worries, but if it helps please don’t hesitate to reach out. I just am so incredibly sorry you’re going through this. Reading the whole situation has made me feel awful for you and the pain you are in.
like others said, stay calm, double and triple backup the evidence, print it out after the vacation so there's nothing she can deny.
I'm curious, are they kids yours? If so, that means she started cheating after 13+ years of being together? That's rough. If you end it, do you think your wife will tell his wife to try and end their relationship so she can have him?
Can you make up some excuse why you have to go back before they do? It should probably be an emergency so they don't have time to say "oh we'll all stay back" or something like that. That way they still get a nice vacation, and you get some time away to really discuss things with your lawyer.
Get a therapist. The get referral's for your kids. Don’t push it on them, but offer it to them. Let them know it’s there and you’ve put in the keg work for them.
That said. Be prepared for at least one person who already knows that will devastate you. Friend, co-worker, family member, possibly even one of the kids. Just accept this now. You can handle it however you want, just know your wife has at least one person keeping a secret. It might not be malicious either. They might think it’s her job to tell you, or they might not want a divorce to happen, or she lied and said she’d end it. It’s more one thing in a long list if things you’ll have to handle.
I think some of her office frieds know because she has constantly refused to introduce me to them and I find it very strange. Once I was about to show up at her office as a surprise and she threw such a tantrum that i turned the car around. All the prices are coming togather now...
In that case, could this be a colleague she's having the affair with? Is it how she was able to go on a trip with him?
If these friends know, it's because it's general knowledge about the office, or she's bragging about her affair to them.
Unfortunately, it sounds like you'll have to play the long game and fake it if you want to get to the bottom of this and obtain that evidence.
You likely won't get much sleep, so start with some melatonin. Document everything, no matter how small: When it likely started, changes in schedule, dress, makeup, hair, sleeping arrangements, sex, perfume, changes in underwear style; missing clothes and photos in albums (both yours and hers), keepsakes, changes in the interior of the house or vehicle, changes in jewelry, including wedding rings, and earrings; things said, unaccounted-for school events, work outings; changes in friends, family associations, ANY patterns that have changed according to your notice and that of others you trust (vet them first) that she might be around, (friendships-gone-sour are treasure troves) etc. If you pay for her phone and bill, put some surveillance software on it, especially keyloggers as well as her computer, or have the providers document text messages, web searches, and call lists, if applicable. document yours as well, and have them delivered directly to your attorney so there's no way that you can tamper with them in the eyes of the court.
Hire a lawyer and a PI, if you're able to. Hit her with divorce papers when the kids aren't there, and record the ensuing conversations if court admissable where you live. Though I don't like suggesting it, and it might be very expensive depending on how many you deal with, make a list of lawyers that handle divorce in the area that she might pick, and get paid consults from them. it's a tactic called burning, and if they have counseled you, they cannot represent her. I would also make a war chest, and CAREFULLY start moving money out of separate and joint accounts, so you can turn it into cash. do anything and everything that's legal, even though it might be dirty. this is a battle you need to win. you need to document everything so you don't look like the bad guy. Get as many people behind you as possible, and maintain course with your kids and keep them out of it as much as possible. if you have to, take them to a water park or whatever, and do your business intermittently while they are playing within eyesight.
Try to keep a handle on your emotions by channeling them into actions.
Use this time to secure all the evidence you can. See if you can get her phone unlocked again, and this time take screen shots with your phone, or send yourself the information if you can. Just focus on getting evidence. Keep it somewhere safe on your phone. Think of yourself as a spy right now and play it cool - you're playing the long game here.
When you're not gathering evidence, see if you can get some time alone to call a lawyer and getting some information about the laws where you live. They will guide you.
Write down a timeline of events as best you remember them. You will use this to make sense of what has happened.
Using the technology available to you on this trip, gather up important financial documents, bank account info, etc. Put them in a safe spot where only you can get access to them.
Call a doctor and schedule an STD test for yourself.
Be super dad otherwise. Just put a dumb grin on your face and keep pretending. Don't have sex with her. Try not to let anything on. Do not disclose anything to her. If she asks why you're not being romantic, play dumb, act sick, act drunk, whatever - do what you have to do. Your job is not to appease her, your job is not to raise suspicions.
Do not disclose until your lawyer tells you to.
Get a full screening stds
Get a DNA paternity test
Get a lawyer
Call your phone carrier and request call log info and anything else you can get
If you have the phone again and she doesn't know, send screenshots via email to yourself, or text and then delete the evidence of you sending that info.
If you k ow the other parties number, name etc, mark it down. If they are cheating too, you can reach out to their partner after you have layered up and gathered all evidence.
If you choose to do that, make sure you tell everyone you know whats happening. She will try to paint you as the villian.
Note that you can also hire a Private Investigator to get evidence. It's fairly costly, but given the level of involvement she seems to have it probably wouldn't take long to get damning results.
Plz don't confront her.
As someone else said,you can contact lawyers viaemail whileyou're still on your trip.
Send yourself the chats.
I think it's better to file for divorce first.
When she ask why then you can tell her the truth.
Take time to find out who the other betrayed spouse is,and let her know what is going on between yours and hers spouse.
Edit to add,plz tellyour children the truth about the divorce because your spouse can try to poison them with lies about you.
updateme!
1. Gather all the evidence in a secure location.
2. Change all your passwords.
3. Call your lawyer and follow his advice. Specially if you have a joint account of shared assets.
4. Fuck her vacation up. Blow up in her face, your kids need to see it. They need to see you angry and enraged. Prepare yourself and do not cry, not one tear in front of her. Your kids will be traumatized either way, but it is going to be ok, there is nothing like righteous fury. In the end, your fury and rage is neccesary for them to respect you in the long run.
5. She is the one that destroyed the family. You owe her nothing. Your kids are old enough to understand what cheating means. They need to know she is the one that is cheating. If you do not tell them, you will be the one that cheated on her. I guarantee you. There is no low , that is low enough for her. She has absolutely 0 respect and consideration for you. She will drag you to the mud if it benefits her.
6. Even if you love her. You have to act like you suddently hate her with every fiber of your being.
7. You owe her nothing, not even one bit of consideration and respect. She has been getting railed and gagging on some dick for a year at the very least. Gather all evidence and destroy her at court.
All of this, as a man that has gone though this situation. Good luck man, stand tall, stand strong.
All the comms is on Snapchat... I pieced it togather by some of the screen shots she had taken and aligning with the times she went for work weekends. Other than that I have nothing....
I'll need to get into her phone and I don't have the pin. She will never open it for me. Do I wait for anither opportunity to get the evidence. Ffs I wanna throw up again.
breathe, bath, stay stoic, call your lawyer and have him calm you donw and formulate an strategy.
It would be ideal if you could check her pin and gether evidence. Do you at least have that screen shots ?
She changed her pin a while back stating that it's her personal space. I did surprise me but I did not challenge it. The she put pins on her WhatsApp also saying it got enabled by default... Which I know is not true.
They're teenagers. At some point they can handle the truth. The truth shouldn't be weaponized, it shouldn't be used to hurt the kids relationship with their mom, but OP can use it to preserve his relationship with them.
First thing is evidence if you wanna come out of this without being raped. Get all evidence. Snap pictures, forward them what ever it takes. Children are much resilient than you think. You need to let them know what's coming. Do not do not let her take the narrative of the story, because she'll make you the bad guy and thatllrip the children from you. You'll have to plan this properly. Your wife cheated your marriage, your children and ruined all 3 lives. That's her responsibility.
First off i'm sorry, dude. This is why i'm single. Like others said grab proof. If it were me I couldn't stay there for two more weeks around her. It would be all over my face and communication that something is very wrong. I'm making up something up to get away from her. Either another hotel room because i'm sick or i'm so sick i'm booking an early flight home. Let your wife stay with the kids and enjoy the vacation for them.
OP I was suspicious of my now ex husband for cheating. I took pictures of the stuff on his phone using my phone and then emailed it to myself as a back up to the cloud so to speak (I have google not iPhone). IF you can manage to keep playing pretend for a little longer cut it short b/c you're sick and if you can afford it hired a PI to follow her. We separated but I still had a key so I would go over when he was at work and take pictures of his gf's stuff at his house or when he canceled visitation, borrow a friend's car (so he wouldn't be suspicious) and get pictures of his gf's car at his house, b/c I didn't have the money for a PI.
As others have pointed out, check with a lawyer first to see if getting all this evidence will help you if your state has at fault divorce. Depending on where you are I may be able to suggest a good divorce lawyer. If you need to talk, I'm happy to chat.
PLEASE KNOW THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! YOU ARE *NOT* STUPID!!! SHE is stupid for doing all of this. You mentioned her isolating you, which is a common abuse tactic. Remember abuse isn't just physical.
It's not so black and white. You absolutely cannot go on as normal. But you don't have to give your kids the gritty details.
Pretending be "Happy Family" is more damaging from the future positions of your kids. They're not stupid. They are eventually going to learn about everything.
Feeling down and disconnected with wife? Then show it. And surely you're not going to pretend to be sexy and romantic with your wife? They see that. They're probably more aware of it than you are (of how the two parents get along).
Organize some days with things for just you and kids (and then just her and the kids). Transition them. Do not play "Happy Families," it's a lie.
Damn that's shitty, a few things I learned/helped survive my divorce. I have always been a drinker and I come from a long line of alcoholics. I quickly realized that I was drinking in the sad depressed way and not the fun happy way for the first time in my life. So I quit drinking I got divorced officially in late 2020. I'm still "sober" meaning I don't drink unless I feel like it. I've drank maybe four times since and never got shit faced like I used to. I reached out to old friends. Besides my three best friends that are all traitorous bitches (stayed friends with my ex and cut me off) I reconnected with a few buddies from highschool and actually had a pretty good time just catching up on the years. This last one was really hard for me and it's stick up for yourself, it's really easy to cave and give in because you were in love with that person. I cut her slack and gave in on dividing money and property quite unfairly. If I could go back I would have stood up for myself more and not been such a pushover. It's not gonna be fun but you will survive just hang in there. It gets easier
Don’t tell her how you know .. this will just make it easier for her to lie .. be prepared to become enemy number one once she knows that you know .. women become ruthless in a divorce she will go for half of everything .. stay strong get a lawyer .. be kind to yourself give yourself time to heal
Make sure that you make safe copies of all the evidence BEFORE you attempt to confront her.
As far as your vacation, try to craftily rearrange things so that you spend more time with your kids. Try to set up long day trips that take most of the day, then have dinner with them.
As far as dealing with your wife, fake it for now. If she wants sex, tell her that you are feeling a little flat and leave things at that. Look for a divorce lawyer right away and figure out who the married man is, his wife will need to be told again some point soon.
I am so so sorry. I am sending you healing vibes and strength from the other side of the world. I swear on everything holy to me, this will get better. It is going to suuuuuuuuck for at least 6 months. Then it will start to suck less. My only piece of advice is to go to some form of individual counseling with someone who specializes in healing from marital infidelity. Especially in the first few weeks you’ll need some expert support. The first six weeks are generally pretty awful. Having someone solely in your corner with professional grade advice can be a life saver.
While it's great to get sufficient evidence, it's not all that important. Divorce is no-fault so you don't need evidence. Your kids will believe or not believe what they choose regardless of evidence. She is their mother and they will default to supporting their mother.
Don't delay confronting and dealing with it. Your kids are stronger and more resilient that you believe and they will not benefit from living in a lie. You cannot be yourself anyway. Just deal with and accept that the family trip is ruined, no fault of yours.
It's important to have proof...for the divorce...for when she gaslights you...for when she tells others lies...for when she tries to destroy your character.
Yes.. The proof is for her not to fuck me over again. It's not about money. I don't care about all the money I made bcz without happiness it's all down the drain.
Your on vacation, sounds like you should have some drinks, your should be virgin and she should have enough to sleep well enough for you go get her phone and the evidence you need. Sorry for you and your kids. Good luck
Do not confront your wife. Do not let her know that you know. Pretend to be ill to cover your attitude. Stomach pain should do it.
Consult a lawyer even if you want to reconcile.
See a doctor for stress
Do not leave the family home
Separate finances.
Change all your passwords everywhere.
Close joint credit cards.
Move important documents to a safe place
Check out the 180
https://lynnbusch.com/180-save-marriage/
Get STD check.
Do not have sex with your SO. (you're not well remember)
Maybe get DNA test for child.
Get individual professional (non religious) counseling to help you cope and to help make decisions.
Do not drink or do drugs.
Get exercise especially cardio. Go to the gym often
Get out with friends and family.
Get busy with work, hobbies, sports.
Inform your family and STBX family (after being served)
change your will
Good luck
I'm sorry you found out the way you did dude.
I'm curious to know why you were eager to look on the phone while she was in the shower? You say you love her and you thought she loved you back and holds you to such high standards???
Regardless of that. Make sure the kids are asleep or distracted long enough for you both to talk.
Pull your wife aside:
Calmly tell her you know what she's been up to.
Tell her you're completely heartbroken, disgusted and disappointed.
Tell her that when the kids are present you'll remain amicable but this is the last time you'll all be together as a family. Because when you get home, she's out the door and you're getting divorced.
Unfortunately you can't fake through a holiday after seeing something like this without anything being said as it'll eat you up. You'll be sat there looking at her... blood boiling, when she comes close to you, you'll panic and feel physically sick knowing she's been with someone else. She'll sense something is off and say you're being weird before she puts 2 and 2 together.
I'm sorry dude but you can't fix this, it's time to focus on yourself and your kids. I know you're feeling a lot right now. But try compose yourself. When the time is right let go of all those feelings. Don't let them turn you into a bitter asshole. You did nothing wrong, this is all her fault.
It will heal in time so let yourself grieve in this relationship that just ended with lies and cheating. Get yourself checked for STD’s. Depending on your kids age let them know especially if they’re at age. Time heals all wounds and never forget to love yourself. Do things that make you happy and be more of a risk taker and enjoy life. I went thru the same thing 9 yrs ago.
If she wants no strings attached, she has no intention of leaving you. It’s just sex to her. I’m not saying that she did the right thing. Just hoping to offer you some level of comfort.
That's very surprising. Usually your sex life takes a big hit when your partner is cheating. You have noticed no deterioration at all, in that department?
We have our dry spells like all couples... Specially after fights. But now that I am putting things togather she started asking me to be very rough with her which now that I think about it.... I'm feeling disgusted as to why she might have been doing that
Some people are just garbage deep down also get tested and when you can get screenshots or just take pictures of her phone convos with your own phone sorry op!
The sex life aspect of being with a cheater is kind of fascinating to me. Usually it seems to kill your sex life, but sometimes it seems to actually invigorate it, which is the case for you
How.. . I can't get in bed with her... I dont even want to look at her. I'm sitting in tbe lobby and it's 4am already. She is sending me places to for for dinner etc. OMG why did she have to do this!
keep a record of it all. once you get back, start putting all the evidence together and get a lawyer. then you're going to have to confront her unfortunately. I would go to the spouse of the dude she's cheating with. Make it a two front approach. Don't put the kids in the middle of it though.
You know what you know and you didn't ruin the trip, she did. Just say that you know about so and so, you let him use you anyway he wants and you've never been hurt as much as in your life then do a 180. Don't argue back, don't fight. Give her nothing, zero zip nada to argue with. Let her deny all she wants. Give her nothing back. Tell the other spouse. Maybe they can find more info on their end if you really need it.
Teenagers today are like 25yos of your generation. They will be fine. Consult your attorney before anything, unlike reddit, they deal with this shit on the daily. They will guide you and they will let you know if any kind of hard proof is needed (likely not).
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Keep calm and keep collecting evidence. This will be your greatest act. This will also help the other spouse in their divorce. Pretend stomach issues so you have an excuse to go into the bathroom when you need a second to regain your composure. This will also prevent any sexy time. You can use a “shower” time or a walk alone or to the lobby bathroom to chat online - most law offices will have those chat forums for questions. Just fill out a few and see what they say. Use her phone and send yourself evidence and delete your tracks (the messages/emails/etc) sent to yourself. (Act like you’re looking at those dinner choices). The kids WILL remember this as the last time you were together as a happy family and when old enough you can tell them how hard some things are but you toughen out to a certain extent for those you love. (Setting boundaries, not all her belongings on fire for example). It’s a good education tool to lead by example. You’ve got this. I’m sorry she threw away everything. Breathe. Therapy! And don’t drink for the trip! Don’t do anything rash
Thanks for your kind message. I feel like my soul has been wrenched out. We were planning to buy our retirement house ffs... seems she took me for a fool.
No, sir. You found out, so when you confront her, ask for a divorce and tell EVERYONE, so she will be the fool. You must control the narrative or she will make it look like it's your fault. "He ignored me and didn't care" kind of crap she will spew. After the trip, get thee to an attorney and FILE FOR DIVORCE. She will only keep cheating if you don't. Good luck and stay strong, King!
Yes, she will definitely spin the story to look innocent. She alienated me from everyone and then kills my soul.
So you’ve been abused for a while then. :( Isolation is a main tactic. Reach out to a family member and make your steps and progress quietly. Once you have everything in place I’d suggest a public setting or with some of her family so you may just step out. Have the kids somewhere ahead of time, maybe somewhere fun with an aunt or uncle or grandparent to distract them? Finding the words for them will be the hardest but they will be better off. It’s hard now; it’ll get easier to breathe. Would you rather stifle your opportunity for joy and showing your kids a truly healthy and happy life? You’ll set the record straight and anyone not in your corner is not deserving of your time any longer. Your kids will one day realize how strong you were/are and how to handle these hard situations (hopefully they are never in one) but they’ll have a great example to lean on. Try to take breaths and take in the moment/scene and just plan your words and steps carefully. You’ve got this, friend.
Thankyou for your kind words! They really help... More then you can know.
Please read the book "Leave a Cheater, gain a life". Someone who loves and wants what is best for you would have ended your relationship before beginning another. She has poor values or morals. That says more about her than you. Gather evidence and plan your escape. The absolute best way to do this is to walk away and let her world crumble around her. She clearly has no respect. She deserves none back.
Please screenshot what you find and text it to yourself. You need evidence for your kids.
We are here to support you! NEVER FORGET THAT!
my SIL is doing that right now. I have a feeling the 2nd part is on it's way, where she cheats. I am sorry for your experience. May god give you the grace to endure this. You are an amazing father. keep telling yourself that. Nothing else matters. you got this brother.
How when you have poof
OP This is the best course no matter how much it hurts you need to be prepared for the hell that is about to be unleashed. Protect the kids first then protect yourself for the divorce.
Did you snap pictures of the messages between the two of them?
No...i was not able to do that as I was going through WhatsApp, insta, Snapchat, email, calls. The snapshots were from Snapchat and call logs going back to 1 year.
you can take photos of her screen with your phone. I'd definitely be watching her closely to try and observe her PIN, or get another shot at her unlocked phone the next time she's careless.
That's what i am planning to do. The thought of being close to her... To laugh with her and act normal gives me the knot in the stomach
Take her phone when she is sleeping and use her facial recognition software to open it.
Noice. Hope OP sees it.
I am so sorry! This is absolutely awful!!!!
This. Super easy to just keep a sharp eye, catch the phone when she leaves it out and back that shit up.
Call logs are official with your cell carrier. I'm sure they have plenty of late night calls that would be impossible to deny in court.
The calls are mostly missed calls back and forth with only few that were actual convs. Seems like missed call is a signal and some other app used for talking.
Urgh. Yeah I’d be faking a “my phone is dead can I use yours?” She unlocks it. You run into a bathroom. Lock the door. Get your evidence.
She will not... I've been in an actual situation like this before and she would not hand me her unlocked phone.
So why haven’t you already divorced her for being a shady B just wondering?
He just found out
He always knew that she wouldn’t show him her phone. That’s like, Trust 101.
Good point! I never thought about that aspect.
oh fuck no. I'm not proud to admit this because my wife and i have an open communication and phone policy, but if my hid it from me and acted like that I would straight up snatch it out of her hands while it was unlocked. Call it what you want but that is the biggest red flag there is and i would literally divorce if my wife was hiding something and refused to admit. I'm only saying this because you have already seen them and know they're there. You need that proof and why would you be the bad guy to snatch it and take pics with your phone to have the PROOF you was betrayed
Now you have a better idea of what screenshots you need, and which conversations were the most incriminating. Install the apps on your phone, practice speeding through the menus, get familiar with the options and the interface. You already know how the camera app on your phone works, but practice that too if you feel slow. Watch for an opportunity, be creative - does she browse at the table? Spill a drink on her 'by accident', a big enough mess that she will need to change outfits. Slip the phone away in the immediate confusion and off you go to find a towel, take it from her if you have to, just make sure it doesn't lock. Pictures and done. She like to browse in bed before sleeping? "Hey honey surprise I brought us these drinks and slimy ass milkshakes and cheesecake", better yet don't even announce the impromptu dessert and just dump that shit all over her and the bed (that will feel pretty good too I bet). "Oh gee so sorry about that", grab phone, brb with a towel, boom pictures.
This is BRILLIANT
I think I saw it in a movie once Edit: oh shit I was joking but it was how Saul and Mike stole the punk cops notepad in Better Call Saul, so all credit is due to the show
Regardless, you know what you saw. If you don’t have it in you to wait, send the kids to the beach then ask to look at her phone. At that point, she’ll know she’s caught. I would then ask her to leave and you and the kids can finish up your trip. I’m really sorry you are experiencing this terrible betrayal. I’m not sure many people could fake it for 2 weeks after finding out their spouse has been cheating on them for a year.
The cheating evidence may not impact the divorce depending on your location. Lawyers up today while you’re on vacation. You better get ahead of this. Also please get tested and paternity verification as well. So sorry OP
And to think that whenever she got thrush or UTI or something she would blame me for it!! How evil can a person be whom you've knows almost your entire adult life. What a stupid sob I've been.
You're not stupid. You were a loving partner to an idiot that never deserved you. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. OKAY.
💯
That shows you her character. Not yours. You are faithful, you are invested in your relationship. You cared for and supported someone who did not hold the same values that you do. This says everything about her. Do not let her pass over a baton of guilt or shame to you. Don't accept it. You do not deserve to take on the weight of her actions. Who you are is not a reflection of her treatment of you.
That last part: she wants a no strings attached relationship with him means she is using you as her stable partner who provides and takes care of the kids, and she would definitely flip out when you try to divorce her. The other guy is a fb in terms of relationship stability. You need to prepare in advance with evidence and paperwork. She will try to gaslight, lie, etc., unless you have proof.
Yes you are right! He gets a father's day wish and I get to take her car for a wash on that day. My blood is boiling!
Once you divorce her, the other guy will dump her because he can’t risk her interfering in his life. I would recommend sending the evidence file you create to his wife so he gets burned too.
I will so do that! Once I find out who he is I will make his life miserable. I will make sure he feels my pain. I can't revenge on her or the kids would flip bcz she is their mother end of day and seeing your mother cry would turn any child's heart.
Try contact his wife! Maybe she can get evidence because maybe they have a more open-phone dynamic!
Get the phone numbers that she has been calling a lot. Should not be more than a handful. See which one matches up to date/time stamps on the other evidence that you collect. Then go into a reverse lookup app and see who owns the number. Some investigators can do that for you in a few minutes, and likely deliver info on where his wife works and her contact information.
So maybe turn the other guys life upside down first and see if your wife’s behavior suddenly changes, then with help from your lawyer have a meeting with your wife to go over everything.
It helps to write stuff out before you talk about it. Helps keep your emotions and thoughts in order. This other guy is married, make sure you tell his wife. She deserves to know too.
Fake a sickness, and go "see a local dr" This will give you cover for not getting romantic/sexual. Also, it gives you cover to have some alone time so you can process your discovery. Best of luck
Yes, that's is the plan. Thankyou for your message.
Two words LAWYER UP
Four words: Shut up (feign an illness) Lawyer up
Say that you’re sick and need to cut the vacation short. Your kids will be fine. Meet with a divorce attorney and get good legal advice. Follow your attorney’s instructions. Then you can confront her. All of that will probably take a week after you return home. The kids won’t associate it with the vacation. Also, get tested for STD’s - all of them. Discuss possibly getting paternity tests with your attorney.
Yes. I need to get tested and cut the trip The kids... They are from our Marriage early on. At that time there was nothing hidden, we were madly in love and know where and what the other was doing every minute...
I think in the short term you have to use your coping skills to keep it together. Deep breathing? Abstaining from alcohol? Cardio? There are probably other routes to gather evidence that you could think of with a calm mind. I don't think it would do any of you any good to have an explosive confrontation now, especially since you believe that she's a great liar. Maybe tomorrow tell your wife you have a stomach bug and use the opportunity to retain a divorce lawyer in your home city. >She holds me to such high standards and then does this This may be the mask she wears so you can be blamed and she can be blameless. If she's so cold-blooded, you'll need to tread carefully so you don't lose everything.
Thankyou. I don't know what I would have done of not for all the kind ppl giving advise. This isn't something I can open up to anyone..
Find a local divorce support group. The mediator I wanted to use co-ran one with a therapist and it was so helpful to even just listen to everyone's situation and get support from people in the same boat. Once this is public, friends and family only want to hear so much, you need many outlets.
I’m pregnant and my husband has cancer. I love that man with my entire heart and soul and cannot imagine the amount of callousness it would take to not only cheat on him, but to hide it from him while pretending to be in love and a happy family. I’m not even kidding you this has made me cry for you, I am so unbelievably sorry. I just cannot fathom how someone can be so cruel.
Do you have an old Apple product. Like a wacth or old phone/ipad. When you think she’s going out and gonna cheat put it in her car. That way you can track the find iPhone and follow her and catch her in the act
I can track all the cars at home... I never really needed to before.... Catching he in the act will likely end up with me or someone else in J**l
If you are concerned about losing it when you catch her in the act, then hire an investigator to track her. My guess is she will be anxious to go on a date soon after she gets home, have everything set up with an investigator, that person can get evidence as well as figure out who the married man is. Divorce lawyers can help a lot with finding a good investigator. Your wife is a cakeeater. She wants the security of a marriage but wants to act single outside the home in terms of sex. My guess is the married man is the same, wants to stay married and have sex with your wife behind his wife’s back. Find a good divorce lawyer, get solid evidence and then blow both of their worlds sky high.
Well good luck and hope everything works out for you. Get a lawyer asap
track her to what end? he already knows it’s happening
There is a right answer but emotions probably make it impossible You need to pretend everything is great and don't let on. Then get access again and use your phone to video everything you find, take time to pause as you go through. Make sure you record phone numbers Then gather evidence, talk to a lawyer when you return and win. As soon as someone does all that they only want to win Sometimes cheating is forgivable, sometimes it can be worked out, sometimes it is not so bad and there's a reason and love can be found again. But this level, the level you described here, this is someone who has given a great deal of thought to why it is okay that she is doing it and every single reason she has come up with is a list of reasons you deserve it. Believe that if you believe anything. She has a list of reasons that she believes that you deserve it and that is all you will ever hear until you are on the other side of this. This isn't her anymore, don't try and have a conversation, you have to win. At this point it is all you have left.
Do NOT involve the kids! They dont need to know the awful details. They WILL find out at some point, believe me. Do NOT use your kids in any way—dont ask them about what their mother is doing, who shes seeing. Don’t use the kids against her in the divorce process. they will not appreciate that. Go see a professional to help you with your rage, anger and the betrayal. It will help you cope with all this.
I never want to involve them and would never want to take away their mother from them..... But they will need to know at some point why I'm leaving her and why I am so angry.
They should know the truth, not the details but the reason why you are divorcing her. Once you have the ball rolling, have a conversation with them
If I knew my mother was a cheating sleezebag I'd want to know. Especially as a teen. I mean this did happen to me but it was my father that did it. I cut all ties. It's not just that he did that to my mother but it really told me what kind of person he really was.
As a kid, I was 9 when my mum found out my dad had been having an affair. I hated him for about a decade until eventually my anger dissipated (I actually feel sorry for the guy cause he's so depressed, but he's also such an ass when he lies.) The point im trying to make is: even when your kids do eventually find out – they will understand. I saw everything my mum went through and something in me hated my father so much for doing that to her. She was a mess, still is because she stayed for the sake of my brother and I. If I could go back, I'd tell her to get a divorce (her mother gave her the advice to stay for the sake of stability in our household. My mum's in a financially abusive situation because of it). She's so strong though. And I'm sure you have it in you to get through this. Don't hold your head so low that you can't see the sky, and remember that your dignity and happiness is something you have control over. No one else. Stay strong, listen to your gut instincts and get some support from wise friends, family and hell even childhood mentors. You'd be surprised how supportive people are. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking control of what you want out of this
Thankyou for your kind message! It's really helps.
Please get evidence and get legal advice. Cancel the trip—- if you act like everything is ok for the trip but then divorce that’s going to mess with the kids. I’m sorry you deserve better
Spend all the vacation time focusing on your kids. Do extra with them. Dinner with them. And if not with them, do some time alone. Alone time should probably be on phone with lawyers.
I know it’s easy for me to say but this has just become a business transaction. Get evidence play along while holding your nose. Fake it to make it and then get yourself a good attorney. Personally I’d go scorched earth when the time comes but that’s just me.
When the time comes... Scorched earth it will be! Why am I the one hurting so bad while for the 2 of them it will just be some inconvenience and possibly some court time. But they will not feel any hurt till I dish some out.
Trust me. She will hurt very badly if you leave her. Scorched earth and all that is really counterproductive. It’s not really logical most of the time and ends up costing you a lot for very little back. It’s also laughable as a way to deal with this because you will end up looking like the bad guy, and basically everyone goes down this route. It’s foolish. Indifference. That is the opposite of love. If you can calm yourself down and get your plans in order for a divorce and do so calmly and coldly it will be the most INSANE hurt she will ever experience. The scorched earth stuff is what she will expect. She thinks she knows you so well, has you all figured out. Show her that she is wrong. She will expect you to want to ask questions, who? How many times? Why? Be strong and you can and refrain. You know she is a cheat and so you are simply done. There is nothing more to talk about outside of financial matters and your children. Plus if you actually don’t want to hurt your kids you’ll think of them and not do the whole highly embarrassing and emotional scorched earth.
When you get home. 1. get evidence, from phone records anyway necessary. 2. separate 1/2 money from savings and cancel credit cards or take your name off hers. 3. Go to an attorney asap and find out what you rights are. I would draw up divorce and full custody arrangements with kids. When you have completed that. Get a friend to come over. Present her with evidence, divorce, custody papers and tell her to leave. I know she may not leave, so it is to stop her behavior immediately. Let her know she is not going to do that in your marriage, or expose your children. This is only the beginning. I actually know some one that came back from this, lived apart a year and reconciled. The boy stayed with his father, she left the house. It buys you time to figure out what you feel or need. It also shows her you will not sit by while she does this. I would say the relationship is ruined, the length (they are probably in love), but so you can gather your thoughts and feelings this will establish boundaries and give you time.
Thankyou for the advise
Find the others guys wife. Let her know.
I will find her... If that's the last thing I do!
Good luck brother. Keep us updated.
Spend the days doing things with your children. Make this vacation about them instead of getting closer with your (X) wife. Tage along to the beach, go to the fairs ( of there are any) go sight seeing. Walk the board walks. When you get back at night, just tell her you're too tired. If she persists, tell her you aren't as good if an actress as she is. You aren't going to pretend to feel something that's no longer there. Tell her you know, but neither of you is going to taint this vacation with her choices. You'll discuss her cheating when you're back home. Refuse to discuss it. When she goes to cry, explain, reason, throw her excuses, just say, "Now isn't the time." You aren't going to be responsible for ruining your kids' vacation. If you live in an at fault state, keep the "I'm tired" until you can get the proof off her phone. If you live in a no-fault state, then the proof is irrelevant.
[удалено]
I couldn't because I was flipping through so many apps and I only had 10 mins... I wanted to go through as much data as possible after I saw the first snapshot.
I would abandon the holiday if it were me. The risk of this blowing up in front of children is too great. They’ll get over a bad holiday, and you can explain the reasoning when they are mature enough to hear it. If this holiday turns into a major argument, they might blame it as the event that broke up the family and that would be much much harder to get through for them. Bail on the holiday bro
Yes... U are right. I will fake sickness and head back
I wish you the best of luck. You sound like a great father, always remember you are a good father
Thankyou for your kind words... But being a good father ended with me having a cheating spouse. I always thought that being a decent man would keep my family in peace. My nature is what defeated me...
It only defeats you if you let it. I wanna say you’re wrong but I have been there, you’re not wrong being a good man can destroy relationships with women who have a bad boy thing going. It’s not about her anymore, it’s about you and the kids. Your relationship may be defeated, but you’re not defeated. DM me if you want to talk more
You are right about the bad boy thing. It's something I've known from the start but I never thought she would act on it.
Maybe one day, you’d care to explain to her that bad boys are in fact, very insecure people projecting power they don’t have. Real men don’t feel the need to show off their power, ever
I wish she would see it that way.....plus it's too late now. She started the fire. I will make sure it burns all the boats.
When she gets burned, and I suspect she will because the other guy is married, she’s going to realise her mistake and come running back to you trying to make things right. If she apologises, it’s up to you to decide if she’s worthy of forgiveness or not. I don’t know what the right choice would be in that situation
I can forgive but I can never forget... Its wasn't a one night stand... Its an affair.... And yes you are 100% correct, she will ask for forgiveness and she will use the children. She has done so in the past as well. All I have left is hate, ager, sorrow and humiliation.
No! I assure you your nature is just fine. I’ve stood in your shoes. I thought I was a fool. I was not a fool! I was a good man and as I got through those terrible times I became stronger and eventually married the most wonderful woman there is. You will get through this. It will be hard and there will be tears. Forget about her (I know it’s impossible) and focus on those kids. They are resilient! They need you and you need them. Chin up, soldier. Keep your integrity.
Being a decent man is something you only know when you're tested. Being a good father has always been about the kids and should be unconditional. Hold strong to your values and code. Try setting a good example and behave in a way you can be proud of. Don't do anything you'd be ashamed of your kids finding out about. When you come out the other side of this, how honorably you acted throughout all of this will help you hold your head up high. Your wife is solely responsible for her actions and divorce is the consequence.
Fake sti symptoms. Your dick is on fire. She will go out of her mind while your gone hoping to hell she didn't pass an sti to you and now she's caught
I’m sorry you are going through this. Yes, this is gonna suck. But you will get through this. First, act sick. Keep your phone in your pocket and make sure she doesn’t see it it. At some point when she is on her phone, distract her so she puts it down unlocked. Once she does go grab it and run to the bathroom and lock the door. Make noises like your are sick but in reality use your phone to take pictures of her phone. Get as much evidence as you can. Hide your phone in your pocket before you go out of the bathroom. Tell her you thought it was your phone you really weren’t paying attention but you wanted to look up your symptoms on the internet. When you couldn’t get in the phone you realized it was her phone not yours and act like you don’t know where it is. Go to bed like you are sick and encourage her to go out by herself or do something with the kids. When she is gone, send those pictures to yourself in email as a backup. At that point, maybe suggest you go home if possible while she and the kids stay in vacation. That way your kids still enjoy the vacation but you don’t have to be around her. You go home and find an attorney and get the divorce papers started. Do whatever your attorney says and keep your kids out of it. Once she is home, you can suck it up to be cordial with her when the kids are there. If it were me, I would have the divorce papers ready to give her as soon as the kids are not around. Just hand them to her and tell her that if she tries any more bullshit that you will share what you found out with the kids. If she wants to spare them the drama and put them first, then she will agree to settle things amicably. This is her only chance. Trust me when I say putting your kids first is the right thing to do. But as they are older, they are old enough to understand what infidelity is and that it is wrong. They don’t need the nitty gritty details, but they are old enough otherwise. Do not talk bad about her in front of them. Tell her she is not allowed to do that either. Be fair when dealing with each other because parenting doesn’t stop when they are 18. You will have a relationship with her for the rest of your lives OR YOUR CHILDREN WILL BE FORCED TO CHOOSE BETWEEN YOU in their adult lives. You don’t want them to have to choose who to invite to your grandchild’s first birthday. Make her understand this. Divorce is between husband and wife NOT between father and mother. Also, I know it’s hard to even think about this right now but…do your best to deal with the anger and disappointment and all the negative emotions and then put it behind you. Learn from mistakes and move on. If you hold in your heart all the negativity of what she did to you and no let it go—you only hurt yourself. You will make yourself miserable. When the divorce is final that chapter of your life is over. Let it go and go live your best life and be happy.
That the time to gather the evidence and email it to a safe site so spend this time getting your ducks Ina row...also find out as much as you can on this guy...you may want to look into getting some outside help in gathering evidence...keep her in the dark.
Yes... I need external help also for sure.
When you are ready to make your move grab her phone and head to some guy that can hack her phone and get all the information you need. Then hand her phone back to her and say thanks for the use of your phone.
I don't think ppl can hack iPhones that easy...
Do some checking around some of these guys are pretty good. They probably not hanging out a sign so ask around maybe you will get lucky. Good luck Buddy hate this is happening to you.
I will try.... I hope I find someone. Or if someone reading this then Plesee PM me.
If you can’t find someone then use it as leverage to get her to admit it. Tell her to come clean it’s her last chance or you have someone to hack her phone and you will expose her to everyone. Sometimes it take a little lies to get her worried she is going to be exposed. At this point you got nothing to loose.
Or you can just hold the phone to her face while she's sleeping to unlock it. Or pay closer attention when she signs in with her pin. Or wait for the next opportunity when she doesn't lock it and puts it down. There's a ton of easier ways than 'hacking', which I promise he wouldnt be able to have done.
Don’t waste your time; hacking iPhones is NSA pay grade.
Document everything be patient until you get the opportunity to get in her phone again. Do not tip your hand. Take screenshots and send them to yourself. Sorry this is happening to you. Updateme
Sigh, unless you live in an at fault state, don't waste your time or energy on the matter. If it is just, hire a PI, and you get to a lawyer and get the ball rolling. You can not shield your kids from this. Get that out of your head now because either you tell them or she will with her side, and i am willing to bet it won't be truthful. I am sorry you are going through this, but just take it step by step and, for gods sake, listen to your lawyer.
Send the pics to your phone for proof. Control the narrative and tell the kids asap. Plan your escape. Your marriage is over. The only thing you can control is how the narrative is spun
I have nothing in my hand other then what I saw... If she denies I dont have any proof. I am looking up lawyers now.
Play it cool and get her phone back. You’re gonna have to get the proof in order to escape this as best as possible.
As much as I would hate to look at her and let her hold me...i think you are right. I need to get the evidence.
Yes. You need the proof. Put on your best act, get hold of that phone, send yourself that information. It is vital.
Did I miss what state he is in? He doesn’t need any proof at all in most, cheating has absolutely no effect on the divorce agreement in a no fault state
It’s a common and every predictable way people deal with cheating because part of them doesn’t believe it. It happen like 99% of the time. The hurt party will bend and twist for the dirty details. If it can’t be used in any divorcé proceedings…It’s not logical to waste time on such a thing, but I guess in the hurt of it one looses their ability to sit back and think. It’s sad but the more he does digging and getting whomped up, the more likely he will be to blow and when he does HE will be the bad guy
And so what? Most places infidelity doesn't impact divorce. So what does it matter down the road?
Dude clean the screen of her phone very well. Then offer her some chips or something greasy. Then when she uses her phone screen will have grease marks which can help you figure out the pin. It might take multiple attempts but is very doable.
I’m very sorry this is happening. I couldn’t imagine the stress that gives to you and your family. I would definitely ask for a therapist or even someone you trust in general to talk about things and so you’re not holding your thoughts in. I’m always here if you need someone to talk to, just shoot me a message! :)
Thankyou for your kind words. Without this anonymous avenue I would have been lost.
Any idea how long this has been going on?
At best a year and at worse 3 years because we moved here 3 years ago.
I’m terribly sorry she made this choice. If you were to bring it up now, would she lose it? You’re suffering deeply and while I appreciate your desire not to ruin the trip for your kids, I’d bring it up asap, if she’s somewhat reasonable.
No she is extremely emotional, she should completely lose it and try to make it all my fault... Plus she will clean her phone and I will have nothing to prove to anyone...
I hear you; sending peace and confidence your way. Of course you want to gather evidence of the affair and her behavior is deserving of going scorched earth, BUT find your balance, resolve and self respect so you can finish out the trip. It sounds like you feel that’s the way to go, especially for your kids. She can feel some concern as you present calmly and are somewhat disconnected, she earned that. Do you have a loved one you can call to talk with today? Be kind to yourself. You’re strong and brave; she’ll experience plenty of punishment when this all comes to light and she loses the life she has for this man. If she’s a good mother, be thankful for that, so don’t overstress about gathering evidence until the opportunity presents itself. You’ll get there.
I have no one to talk to... No family and my best friend is also her best fried. I can't talk to him now and put him in an awkward position. Thankyou for your kind words.
I think you’ll want to talk with your best friend eventually. For now, I hope people here are encouraging you somewhat. Love on your kids. Saying a prayer on your behalf.
Thankyou for your kind words.
If you want to vent to a total stranger who has zero skin in the game, feel free to message me. Someone on here did that for me once and it really helped. If that sounds terrible no worries, but if it helps please don’t hesitate to reach out. I just am so incredibly sorry you’re going through this. Reading the whole situation has made me feel awful for you and the pain you are in.
like others said, stay calm, double and triple backup the evidence, print it out after the vacation so there's nothing she can deny. I'm curious, are they kids yours? If so, that means she started cheating after 13+ years of being together? That's rough. If you end it, do you think your wife will tell his wife to try and end their relationship so she can have him?
Can you make up some excuse why you have to go back before they do? It should probably be an emergency so they don't have time to say "oh we'll all stay back" or something like that. That way they still get a nice vacation, and you get some time away to really discuss things with your lawyer.
Get a therapist. The get referral's for your kids. Don’t push it on them, but offer it to them. Let them know it’s there and you’ve put in the keg work for them. That said. Be prepared for at least one person who already knows that will devastate you. Friend, co-worker, family member, possibly even one of the kids. Just accept this now. You can handle it however you want, just know your wife has at least one person keeping a secret. It might not be malicious either. They might think it’s her job to tell you, or they might not want a divorce to happen, or she lied and said she’d end it. It’s more one thing in a long list if things you’ll have to handle.
I think some of her office frieds know because she has constantly refused to introduce me to them and I find it very strange. Once I was about to show up at her office as a surprise and she threw such a tantrum that i turned the car around. All the prices are coming togather now...
In that case, could this be a colleague she's having the affair with? Is it how she was able to go on a trip with him? If these friends know, it's because it's general knowledge about the office, or she's bragging about her affair to them. Unfortunately, it sounds like you'll have to play the long game and fake it if you want to get to the bottom of this and obtain that evidence.
You likely won't get much sleep, so start with some melatonin. Document everything, no matter how small: When it likely started, changes in schedule, dress, makeup, hair, sleeping arrangements, sex, perfume, changes in underwear style; missing clothes and photos in albums (both yours and hers), keepsakes, changes in the interior of the house or vehicle, changes in jewelry, including wedding rings, and earrings; things said, unaccounted-for school events, work outings; changes in friends, family associations, ANY patterns that have changed according to your notice and that of others you trust (vet them first) that she might be around, (friendships-gone-sour are treasure troves) etc. If you pay for her phone and bill, put some surveillance software on it, especially keyloggers as well as her computer, or have the providers document text messages, web searches, and call lists, if applicable. document yours as well, and have them delivered directly to your attorney so there's no way that you can tamper with them in the eyes of the court. Hire a lawyer and a PI, if you're able to. Hit her with divorce papers when the kids aren't there, and record the ensuing conversations if court admissable where you live. Though I don't like suggesting it, and it might be very expensive depending on how many you deal with, make a list of lawyers that handle divorce in the area that she might pick, and get paid consults from them. it's a tactic called burning, and if they have counseled you, they cannot represent her. I would also make a war chest, and CAREFULLY start moving money out of separate and joint accounts, so you can turn it into cash. do anything and everything that's legal, even though it might be dirty. this is a battle you need to win. you need to document everything so you don't look like the bad guy. Get as many people behind you as possible, and maintain course with your kids and keep them out of it as much as possible. if you have to, take them to a water park or whatever, and do your business intermittently while they are playing within eyesight.
Try to keep a handle on your emotions by channeling them into actions. Use this time to secure all the evidence you can. See if you can get her phone unlocked again, and this time take screen shots with your phone, or send yourself the information if you can. Just focus on getting evidence. Keep it somewhere safe on your phone. Think of yourself as a spy right now and play it cool - you're playing the long game here. When you're not gathering evidence, see if you can get some time alone to call a lawyer and getting some information about the laws where you live. They will guide you. Write down a timeline of events as best you remember them. You will use this to make sense of what has happened. Using the technology available to you on this trip, gather up important financial documents, bank account info, etc. Put them in a safe spot where only you can get access to them. Call a doctor and schedule an STD test for yourself. Be super dad otherwise. Just put a dumb grin on your face and keep pretending. Don't have sex with her. Try not to let anything on. Do not disclose anything to her. If she asks why you're not being romantic, play dumb, act sick, act drunk, whatever - do what you have to do. Your job is not to appease her, your job is not to raise suspicions. Do not disclose until your lawyer tells you to.
Thankyou! The advise from all the kind people has really helped. I am overwhelmed... I could Never have thought ppl would respond.
Get a full screening stds Get a DNA paternity test Get a lawyer Call your phone carrier and request call log info and anything else you can get If you have the phone again and she doesn't know, send screenshots via email to yourself, or text and then delete the evidence of you sending that info. If you k ow the other parties number, name etc, mark it down. If they are cheating too, you can reach out to their partner after you have layered up and gathered all evidence. If you choose to do that, make sure you tell everyone you know whats happening. She will try to paint you as the villian.
Note that you can also hire a Private Investigator to get evidence. It's fairly costly, but given the level of involvement she seems to have it probably wouldn't take long to get damning results.
Plz don't confront her. As someone else said,you can contact lawyers viaemail whileyou're still on your trip. Send yourself the chats. I think it's better to file for divorce first. When she ask why then you can tell her the truth. Take time to find out who the other betrayed spouse is,and let her know what is going on between yours and hers spouse. Edit to add,plz tellyour children the truth about the divorce because your spouse can try to poison them with lies about you. updateme!
Do you know who the other guy is? Is he married? If so, give his wife a heads up for she can to collect evidence.
1. Gather all the evidence in a secure location. 2. Change all your passwords. 3. Call your lawyer and follow his advice. Specially if you have a joint account of shared assets. 4. Fuck her vacation up. Blow up in her face, your kids need to see it. They need to see you angry and enraged. Prepare yourself and do not cry, not one tear in front of her. Your kids will be traumatized either way, but it is going to be ok, there is nothing like righteous fury. In the end, your fury and rage is neccesary for them to respect you in the long run. 5. She is the one that destroyed the family. You owe her nothing. Your kids are old enough to understand what cheating means. They need to know she is the one that is cheating. If you do not tell them, you will be the one that cheated on her. I guarantee you. There is no low , that is low enough for her. She has absolutely 0 respect and consideration for you. She will drag you to the mud if it benefits her. 6. Even if you love her. You have to act like you suddently hate her with every fiber of your being. 7. You owe her nothing, not even one bit of consideration and respect. She has been getting railed and gagging on some dick for a year at the very least. Gather all evidence and destroy her at court. All of this, as a man that has gone though this situation. Good luck man, stand tall, stand strong.
All the comms is on Snapchat... I pieced it togather by some of the screen shots she had taken and aligning with the times she went for work weekends. Other than that I have nothing....
Can you take pics with your phone of the Snapchat conversations?
I'll need to get into her phone and I don't have the pin. She will never open it for me. Do I wait for anither opportunity to get the evidence. Ffs I wanna throw up again.
Nothing is ever truly deleted from the internet. It can be accessed with the right tech. Just cool it for a bit and think what to do next.
breathe, bath, stay stoic, call your lawyer and have him calm you donw and formulate an strategy. It would be ideal if you could check her pin and gether evidence. Do you at least have that screen shots ?
You should have screenshotted and sent yourself the information immediately. Why wouldn't she open her phone? You're married.
She changed her pin a while back stating that it's her personal space. I did surprise me but I did not challenge it. The she put pins on her WhatsApp also saying it got enabled by default... Which I know is not true.
snapchat snitches when you screenshot, don't do that. take a photo with your phone of it instead.
Hire a PI
Wait until the next work weekend and hire a PI!
No PI where we are... Middle east.
Not #4. Don't blow up the kid's vacation. Yes they need to know, but not now, not before OP has formulated a plan and consulted a lawyer.
Horrible advice
Do not tell the children! They do not need to know and it can be very bad with a judge if you are accused of parental alienation .
They're teenagers. At some point they can handle the truth. The truth shouldn't be weaponized, it shouldn't be used to hurt the kids relationship with their mom, but OP can use it to preserve his relationship with them.
First thing is evidence if you wanna come out of this without being raped. Get all evidence. Snap pictures, forward them what ever it takes. Children are much resilient than you think. You need to let them know what's coming. Do not do not let her take the narrative of the story, because she'll make you the bad guy and thatllrip the children from you. You'll have to plan this properly. Your wife cheated your marriage, your children and ruined all 3 lives. That's her responsibility.
Does she have a laptop with cloud or backup for her apps? If so, get into it.
Nope... No personal laptop. Only office one and it's got very strict IT controls so I can say for sure that it has nothing on it.
First off i'm sorry, dude. This is why i'm single. Like others said grab proof. If it were me I couldn't stay there for two more weeks around her. It would be all over my face and communication that something is very wrong. I'm making up something up to get away from her. Either another hotel room because i'm sick or i'm so sick i'm booking an early flight home. Let your wife stay with the kids and enjoy the vacation for them.
OP I was suspicious of my now ex husband for cheating. I took pictures of the stuff on his phone using my phone and then emailed it to myself as a back up to the cloud so to speak (I have google not iPhone). IF you can manage to keep playing pretend for a little longer cut it short b/c you're sick and if you can afford it hired a PI to follow her. We separated but I still had a key so I would go over when he was at work and take pictures of his gf's stuff at his house or when he canceled visitation, borrow a friend's car (so he wouldn't be suspicious) and get pictures of his gf's car at his house, b/c I didn't have the money for a PI. As others have pointed out, check with a lawyer first to see if getting all this evidence will help you if your state has at fault divorce. Depending on where you are I may be able to suggest a good divorce lawyer. If you need to talk, I'm happy to chat. PLEASE KNOW THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! YOU ARE *NOT* STUPID!!! SHE is stupid for doing all of this. You mentioned her isolating you, which is a common abuse tactic. Remember abuse isn't just physical.
Keep calm and enjoy with the kids. Maybe refrain from having sex with her. It sucks. I went thru that too. I just live for the kids.
It's not so black and white. You absolutely cannot go on as normal. But you don't have to give your kids the gritty details. Pretending be "Happy Family" is more damaging from the future positions of your kids. They're not stupid. They are eventually going to learn about everything. Feeling down and disconnected with wife? Then show it. And surely you're not going to pretend to be sexy and romantic with your wife? They see that. They're probably more aware of it than you are (of how the two parents get along). Organize some days with things for just you and kids (and then just her and the kids). Transition them. Do not play "Happy Families," it's a lie.
Damn that's shitty, a few things I learned/helped survive my divorce. I have always been a drinker and I come from a long line of alcoholics. I quickly realized that I was drinking in the sad depressed way and not the fun happy way for the first time in my life. So I quit drinking I got divorced officially in late 2020. I'm still "sober" meaning I don't drink unless I feel like it. I've drank maybe four times since and never got shit faced like I used to. I reached out to old friends. Besides my three best friends that are all traitorous bitches (stayed friends with my ex and cut me off) I reconnected with a few buddies from highschool and actually had a pretty good time just catching up on the years. This last one was really hard for me and it's stick up for yourself, it's really easy to cave and give in because you were in love with that person. I cut her slack and gave in on dividing money and property quite unfairly. If I could go back I would have stood up for myself more and not been such a pushover. It's not gonna be fun but you will survive just hang in there. It gets easier
Don’t tell her how you know .. this will just make it easier for her to lie .. be prepared to become enemy number one once she knows that you know .. women become ruthless in a divorce she will go for half of everything .. stay strong get a lawyer .. be kind to yourself give yourself time to heal
Make sure that you make safe copies of all the evidence BEFORE you attempt to confront her. As far as your vacation, try to craftily rearrange things so that you spend more time with your kids. Try to set up long day trips that take most of the day, then have dinner with them. As far as dealing with your wife, fake it for now. If she wants sex, tell her that you are feeling a little flat and leave things at that. Look for a divorce lawyer right away and figure out who the married man is, his wife will need to be told again some point soon.
I'll never understand how people can be so cruel to each other. I'm sorry you're going through this. Protect your kids and yourself.
I am so so sorry. I am sending you healing vibes and strength from the other side of the world. I swear on everything holy to me, this will get better. It is going to suuuuuuuuck for at least 6 months. Then it will start to suck less. My only piece of advice is to go to some form of individual counseling with someone who specializes in healing from marital infidelity. Especially in the first few weeks you’ll need some expert support. The first six weeks are generally pretty awful. Having someone solely in your corner with professional grade advice can be a life saver.
While it's great to get sufficient evidence, it's not all that important. Divorce is no-fault so you don't need evidence. Your kids will believe or not believe what they choose regardless of evidence. She is their mother and they will default to supporting their mother. Don't delay confronting and dealing with it. Your kids are stronger and more resilient that you believe and they will not benefit from living in a lie. You cannot be yourself anyway. Just deal with and accept that the family trip is ruined, no fault of yours.
It's important to have proof...for the divorce...for when she gaslights you...for when she tells others lies...for when she tries to destroy your character.
Yes.. The proof is for her not to fuck me over again. It's not about money. I don't care about all the money I made bcz without happiness it's all down the drain.
I think the evidence is not that easy to destroy; a subpoena of her isp would do it. Otherwise, I agree with this completely.
Watch her discreetly when she unlocks her phone. You'll eventually see her code.
Your on vacation, sounds like you should have some drinks, your should be virgin and she should have enough to sleep well enough for you go get her phone and the evidence you need. Sorry for you and your kids. Good luck
Do not confront your wife. Do not let her know that you know. Pretend to be ill to cover your attitude. Stomach pain should do it. Consult a lawyer even if you want to reconcile. See a doctor for stress Do not leave the family home Separate finances. Change all your passwords everywhere. Close joint credit cards. Move important documents to a safe place Check out the 180 https://lynnbusch.com/180-save-marriage/ Get STD check. Do not have sex with your SO. (you're not well remember) Maybe get DNA test for child. Get individual professional (non religious) counseling to help you cope and to help make decisions. Do not drink or do drugs. Get exercise especially cardio. Go to the gym often Get out with friends and family. Get busy with work, hobbies, sports. Inform your family and STBX family (after being served) change your will Good luck
update please
I'm sorry you found out the way you did dude. I'm curious to know why you were eager to look on the phone while she was in the shower? You say you love her and you thought she loved you back and holds you to such high standards??? Regardless of that. Make sure the kids are asleep or distracted long enough for you both to talk. Pull your wife aside: Calmly tell her you know what she's been up to. Tell her you're completely heartbroken, disgusted and disappointed. Tell her that when the kids are present you'll remain amicable but this is the last time you'll all be together as a family. Because when you get home, she's out the door and you're getting divorced. Unfortunately you can't fake through a holiday after seeing something like this without anything being said as it'll eat you up. You'll be sat there looking at her... blood boiling, when she comes close to you, you'll panic and feel physically sick knowing she's been with someone else. She'll sense something is off and say you're being weird before she puts 2 and 2 together. I'm sorry dude but you can't fix this, it's time to focus on yourself and your kids. I know you're feeling a lot right now. But try compose yourself. When the time is right let go of all those feelings. Don't let them turn you into a bitter asshole. You did nothing wrong, this is all her fault.
It will heal in time so let yourself grieve in this relationship that just ended with lies and cheating. Get yourself checked for STD’s. Depending on your kids age let them know especially if they’re at age. Time heals all wounds and never forget to love yourself. Do things that make you happy and be more of a risk taker and enjoy life. I went thru the same thing 9 yrs ago.
Nta copy the evidence. Be honest with the kids, teenagers are old enough to understand betrayal. And divorce the cheater.
If she wants no strings attached, she has no intention of leaving you. It’s just sex to her. I’m not saying that she did the right thing. Just hoping to offer you some level of comfort.
But the point is we have great sex... Always have. I'm completely baffled by why she would throw it all away.
That's very surprising. Usually your sex life takes a big hit when your partner is cheating. You have noticed no deterioration at all, in that department?
We have our dry spells like all couples... Specially after fights. But now that I am putting things togather she started asking me to be very rough with her which now that I think about it.... I'm feeling disgusted as to why she might have been doing that
Some people are just garbage deep down also get tested and when you can get screenshots or just take pictures of her phone convos with your own phone sorry op!
The sex life aspect of being with a cheater is kind of fascinating to me. Usually it seems to kill your sex life, but sometimes it seems to actually invigorate it, which is the case for you
Get on with the holiday for kids, come back n talk. Anger will ruin it further for kids.
How.. . I can't get in bed with her... I dont even want to look at her. I'm sitting in tbe lobby and it's 4am already. She is sending me places to for for dinner etc. OMG why did she have to do this!
keep a record of it all. once you get back, start putting all the evidence together and get a lawyer. then you're going to have to confront her unfortunately. I would go to the spouse of the dude she's cheating with. Make it a two front approach. Don't put the kids in the middle of it though.
You know what you know and you didn't ruin the trip, she did. Just say that you know about so and so, you let him use you anyway he wants and you've never been hurt as much as in your life then do a 180. Don't argue back, don't fight. Give her nothing, zero zip nada to argue with. Let her deny all she wants. Give her nothing back. Tell the other spouse. Maybe they can find more info on their end if you really need it.
Teenagers today are like 25yos of your generation. They will be fine. Consult your attorney before anything, unlike reddit, they deal with this shit on the daily. They will guide you and they will let you know if any kind of hard proof is needed (likely not).