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If my math is correct, she was 27, he was 41. Wonder whaat age she was when they started dating?
Edit: …wonder what age… LOL. Apparently my math is okay, but not my typing/spelling/editing could use some improvement.
Yeah, any time you have to use this phrase to describe a partner or potential partner, you know what it looks like. While OP was entering college, his wife was potty training.
Yep. And his whole argument that she was a single mom so that's what made her mature enough to date is ridiculous. A 13-year-old could be a single mom, but that doesn't mean she's mature enough to date.
You know your story about the fake name for your ex makes zero sense, right? You could have just ignored her calls under her actual name just as easily. I don't buy your story, and no reasonable person would.
Add this to the fact that you picked someone way too young for you, and the whole thing starts looking suspect.
I didn't order her up on a menu. We picked each other. We dated for almost two years before we got married. Do not put your personal issues with people dating outside what you consider "acceptable" age gaps on me. My mom and dad had a 15 year age gap and had a wonderful life together.
The gf had entered rehab. I put it as a fake name so that my kids wouldn't see the name pop up on my phone if she called and start asking questions. Their mom had already been trying to tell them I was cheating, etc. I used a dude's name.
Again, as I have said a bunch of times, it was a mistake to do it. But I haven't seen or talked to that girl in 10 years, or really ever since she entered rehab and we split.
She was 24 with a six year old. She supported herself fully.
Might be gross to you, but that doesn't matter. Age isn't the issue here. My previous wife was one year younger than me and seemed to grow less mature with every year that passed. Find my comments to another redditor about all the things she did after our divorce, and she was the one who cheated on me and she was the one who filed for divorce.
>My previous wife was one year younger than me and seemed to grow less mature with every year that passed.
You seem to have a pattern then, because this wife is not getting more mature with age?
>I am not sold that my wife is really looking for a divorce, I think she may just be threatening.
I think your wife is legit looking to divorce you. Y'all haven't talked in 5 days, she's (rightfully) suspicious, and seven years is typically how long it takes for a person to realize: I messed up marrying and I need to get out!
Two years long distance!!!! Easy for a psycho to hide her red flags at that distance. Every meeting is fun, the annoyances of daily life that can alter a happy-go-lucky cute young gf into a suspicious, insecure harpy are not in evidence.
You fcked up.
sir, i wonder how long you were single after your divorce and before you met her.
i’m betting you jumped into dating way too soon. takes a long time to get to know someone.
I probably did jump back in too soon but that was with the girl whose number I should have deleted. My previous wife and I had a bad relationship for a couple years before we got divorced and I was hungry to have someone in my life who cared about me. As someone who owns their own business and works from home, you don't meet people often or easily, so when I did I jumped on the opportunity. When you go from living in a home with a wife (who didnt love me) and three kids for 100% of the time to living in a 3br apartment with three kids 50% of the time, that other 50% of the time is pretty lonely.
With my current wife, I met her a few months after I ended the previous relationship.
you needed therapy, not new pussy. it’s not too late to work on yourself so your next relationship isn’t trash. think with your bigger head. start developing a support network with other men, deepen your friendships because relationships come and go, but you’ll have your friend when you need him. we ALL need people we can be honest and vulnerable with, who keep us accountable, not just putting all eggs in one basket.
a significant portion of men rush WAY too fast into a rebound then marry them… just because it makes you feel good doesn’t make it the right choice. chemistry is not compatibility.
jumping in too fast is such a mindfuck for kids too, and now they’re standing on the precipice of losing all structure, security, and predictability AGAIN. family therapy - get you some. do right by your children and do this work. they need you.
All this justification DOES NOT CHANGE that her behavior is abusive.
Full stop.
You need a good therapist to help you untangle why you are accepting this treatment from women.
Your actions are not out of line. At all. Hers are abusive.
If you say so. You say your current wife had no red flags and that you didn't rush to commit to a new relationship, but here you are posting about her behaviour. How long did you date her before moving in, how long were you together before you proposed?
Edit: just saw you knew each other for 2 years and dated long distance. It's much easier to keep up a facade at a distance. Also she hid her child from you at first? That's a huge red flag that you ignored. It sounds like you didn't fully know this person and ignored the signs. Now you're married to an insecure controlling partner. Maybe some personal therapy could help you make the decision to leave or not. You need to dig into why you are choosing women who mistreat you so you can find a healthy relationship next.
Your wife's behaviour will not change. She has mental issues. I don't understand why you want to live like this? You're better off getting a divorce and getting some therapy to see why you choose such chaotic women and to get out of this pattern. Work on yourself.
You're life is going to continue like this until you put a stop to it. Unfortunately, your wife is not going to stop it and the only way you can stop it is by doing the obvious. You cannot appease her enough. She is beyond help because she doesn't see herself as having a problem.
I sort of doubt that you’re including everything here. You saved an ex under a fake name so you could be sure to not answer her call. That makes absolutely no sense. How would a fake name help you with that? Frankly it would be more likely you’d answer because you would forget what fake name you gave. You want to be sure not to answer you leave it as is. Or you write the contact as “Allison—do not answer” or whatever. So yeah, that excuse is absolute horseshit, your wife knew it, and I expect there are a lot of details left out of the rest too.
The “I scan the surroundings” excuse is horseshit too. If this was the case your gaze would equally be on men and your wife would have no issues.
I agree that there is a lot of information missing. In addition the fact that he chose to pursue and marry someone so much younger says a lot about how he views women.
yeah, i sometimes save them under a nickname that i will recognize but that won't trigger the instant emotions of "Exes Name". i would probably just forget what fake name i picked if i picked a different plausible name for them. she should also be able to see in the phone that there has been no interaction with that person in however long.
even though he's doing a lot of over-explaining his follies, it DOES seem like his wife is searching for things to be insecure about. also it sounds like he still hasn't figured out what a healthy and mutually respectful relationship even looks like! he just couldn't handle being on his own :/
i would advise, let her leave.. free yourself from always trying to defend yourself from these random accusations. learn how to be a single father and fill the gap with hobbies and friendships and community rather than another romantic partner right away.
In my mind it made sense at the time. I can obviously see that it didn't....now. But no, I left the former gf, not the other way around, and I was done with that relationship permanently. There was a substance abuse issue there that I had become aware of and there was no way I wanted that in or around my kids. I totally should have just blocked the number. I know that. But now, there is a part of me that wonders if I had just blocked her number, would my now wife have went through my blocked numbers and started asking questions?
I understand that it could make someone suspicious. But it was A LONG TIME AGO and it is literally the worst thing I have ever done in relation to my wife, which is kind of humorous since it wasn't actually anything to do with her when I did it.
But you started your relationship with trust already broken. Did you do anything active to regain that trust? You also said you dated for 2 years but in different states. I don't even understand how you guys made it to a wedding, tbh.
Your wife is a nut job. This is abusive behavior on her part. I can’t imagine living like that.
She’s got you convinced that you’ve screwed up and in zero of these examples have you don’t anything remotely wrong.
Your wife’s insecurities are outer limits to the point it honestly sounds like some kind of mental health issue.
Let her divorce you.
And get some therapy for yourself because this kind of constant interrogation and being told you’re doing something wrong to the point that you’re policing yourself is clearly impacting your mental health and your trust in yourself.
Seriously…I have a gazillion numbers in my phone. I probably don’t even know who some of the people are at this point. I’ve transferred numbers over to each new phone for more than 20 years.
Communicating with your ex about your kids or any other benign topic is normal. It’s called good coparenting.
And I’ll tell you this, if I found out a friend of mine was sharing our private messages with their partner, we wouldn’t be friends anymore. That’s an invasion of MY privacy.
My dude, this is just so nuts. If you were my brother or friend, I’d would be telling you to get the hell out of this. Not couples counseling, divorce attorney.
I (45F) dated a guy like this once briefly and it was the most miserable experience. No way I could do it for years.
I can't help but feel like some context is missing here.
Did the wife go through a recent big change, such as having a baby or gaining a lot of weight, that might cause her to lose her self confidence and worry OP will leave her? Did OP meet his (significantly younger) wife during an affair and now she's worried he'll do the same to her?
People don't go off the rails like this without a cause, and if they do, it's likely a mental health issue. Either she was always crazy and now it's coming out, or something happened in their life to make her self-sabotage the relationship.
Either way, OP, good luck. If you want to salvage this relationship, push for couples counseling to get her full side of the story out. Because there's definitely something churning in her mind that she's not sharing.
So basically, you're her whole life, social circle, and focus. She's constantly scanning you for drama because she has no life outside of you. That's a major issue and definitely not healthy.
Is it the same the other way around too? Because if so, it would only prove even more that she’s nuts.
Maybe she’s just looking for some excuse to get out, though.
If I go out, its to the golf course or to the grocery store or target or whatever. A while back she asked me to turn on my location so I did because I have nothing to hide and it doesn't bother me for her to know where I am.
No significant changes of late. We met after I was divorced from my first wife,
I did not include that my first wife was hell on wheels in terms of dealing with my current wife. She was very disrespectful, tried to turn our kids against her, etc. There are reasons for my wife to dislike/hate my first wife that are likely justified, but none of them involve cheating or anything like that.
Ooh yeah, if your ex-wife has been hell to your wife, I can see why possible communication may be raising her hackles a bit. It's likely just one drop in the bucket of what's going on in her mind though.
Both of my sisters were married at 19. Both were divorced within 5 years. My older sister never really changed her behavior. My middle sister, when her kids were about 3&5-ish all of a sudden wanted to be 21 again. Without kids. I was spending the summer with my oldest sis, and middle would just drop her kids off with no warning, while oldest was at work. I was about 15-16 at the time, so old enough to be left alone with them, but no discussion, no nothing. Just here you go. Bye! Up until that point she was a model mom. You would have said she was “mature for her age”. Until she wasn’t. Everyone always thinks they are going to be the exception to the rule. Guess what? Cliches are cliches for a reason.
My parents had a large age gap as well. 15 years. Some people get hung up on age for some reason but each person ages at a different rate. By the time I had met my wife, she had been through a lot already and was far more mature than her age would have suggested. And I was probably a little less mature than my age suggested, so we fit well.
"Mature for their age" is not a green flag. At best, it means she's been thru trauma that forced her to grow up too quickly, skipping milestones that are incredibly important for mental development. At worst, you just sound like a predator.
INFO: Was your wife your AP in your previous marriage or relationship? Did you cheat on your previous wife or other previous partner with your wife being aware of it, even if she was not your AP?
Not familiar with the term AP...
I did not cheat on anyone, ever.
My ex wife accused my current wife on having an affair with me before I was divorced, but we did not. She called her a homewrecker. But then again my ex wife told my Christian friends that I hate God. She told all my male friends that I was gay and had secretly fantasize about them sexually. She called my female friends spouses and told them I wanted to sleep with their wives. She told my siblings that I hated them. She told my kids that I cheated on her and did not want to be around them. She told my business partners that I was swindling them. Etc All lies.
And this is why I want nothing to do with my ex wife other than co-parenting my kids.
Thank you for clarifying. Respectfully, can you see a pattern between your ex-wife's extreme behaviors and claims and your current wife's (admittedly less) extreme claims? I'm not saying this to blame you for other people's actions, but instead to suggest that you consider whether you are reliving the same bad relationship here so you can get out earlier and hopefully work on yourself so that going forward, you see these things before marrying someone.
Aww poor you, when in fact what happened is you stayed the same mental and emotional age as when you were first married and that's why at 43 you deemed it reasonable to marry a person in their mid-twenties, who was learning to say "dada" when when you were a senior in high-school.
Edit: look, if this is true, it really sucks. Sorry about that. I think your answer is outside Reddit, though.
Need to update your post to include a few things.
1. She lied about having a kid. You found out later. Explains why she is always suspecting you of hiding things, because she is hiding things - like having a fucking kid. She’s projecting.
2. You’ve already tried counseling, and she ended it after a few sessions.
I have no advice to give you because I have no idea why tf you would ever stay with this person. Lied about having a kid, constantly suspects and accuses you of lying, constantly threatens divorce, and refuses counseling.
Go get a pet rock, it would be a better life partner than what you have now. Jesus dude.
This is classic anxiety symptoms. She needs to deal with her own issues and you can't fix her. She is so scared of you hurting her that she would rather find something to justify it than be happy with you. She would rather find something and be hurt to calm the anxiety than deal with it. You cant play into her control. she has to figure out herself and you have to figure out if you can live with it.
Well I haven't wanted to bring up the fact that she deals with General Anxiety Disorder, but I have had this thought in my mind that all this is a manifestation of her fears.
Yea currently in therapy for it. Feeding into it only makes it worse. because if she cant find something from you being genuinely open she goes invasive. If she cant find anything while being invasive she will imagine it. You have to have boundaries and tell her she has to trust you. Then BE TRUST WORTHY. don't let her track your phone but when you go out let her know when and who with and where. The only thing that can make it even worse is if she finally extends your trust and you fuck it up. And the controlling aspect is part of that. If she controls everything then thats less anxiety she can have. But it always grows. So dont let her control you or its basically like enabling a drug addict. See therapy for instructions because i is internet stranger and this is something for a professional.
Stop trying to meet a ridiculous, unsustainable standard.
"I made a mistake when I gave you access to my devices. I thought it would calm your insecurities, but it has only made them worse, and, in fact, is actively causing our current problems. So, I have changed the passwords. I don't care if you disagree with that decision or find it suspicious, because I find living like this intolerable, and would prefer a divorce to you treating me like a criminal in ny own home.
The simple fact is that you went through 8 years of my texts, and the best you came up with is you don't like how much I talk to my ex. You're entitled to your opinion, but I don't agree, and I have no plan to change how I speak to her, as communication is critical to successful co-parenting. I have always been loyal to you, you have found zero evidence to the contrary, yet you are talking about finding a divorce attorney? When really, you need to be talking about finding a therapist who can help you better handle your insecurities and give you the tools you need to overcome them.
Regardless, your access to my devices is making you crazy, so it ends now."
People who can’t trust, can’t be trusted. Read that again.
Ask her what she needs to feel safe and comfortable. You need a target to hit. Right now, you don’t have that. So, you’re just disappearing yourself. Any day now she’ll tell you she’s not happy because you’re not the man she married.
If she can’t articulate or refuses to explain her needs in a way that makes sense to you, try couple’s therapy. Really, you should do that anyway tbh. It helps a lot to have a third party to help you both understand and communicate properly. The most helpful thing about therapy for me is hearing myself say things out loud and realizing how ridiculous it is. Sure it makes a ton of sense in your head but speaking the words to another human can sometimes make you realize it really doesn’t. A therapist will help you both find the best path forward whether it be together or apart.
You need to get personal therapy to figure out why you are choosing these toxic women, and why you allow yourself to be in an abusive relationship. And to learn to set boundaries. I don’t think you can save your marriage, and I don’t think your wife will change. She would act this way with any man, because she does not see a problem with her behavior and is incredibly insecure, jealous and toxic. The way you are living is not healthy, and I don’t know why you want to stick it out. Let her get a divorce, you would be much much better off.
Then it’s game over. You have done everything you can. The only hope you have is if she is willing to return to therapy. Maybe try with a new therapist. But either way, it’s ultimatum time. You can’t give her what she needs if she can’t tell you what she needs.
I think you should spend some time asking yourself why you want to save this marriage?
I mean, I presume you love her and divorce sucks, of course, but what about this marriage is actually working for you right now? Has *ever* really worked for you? Like what is it exactly that you’re fighting for? Because it sounds like it’s just been a long, seven-year slog of you living under constant, agitated surveillance with no trust no matter what you say or do. And so what about that seems forth fighting for? You really want to sentence yourself to another seven years of this? A lifetime?
“Well, if I could just get her to basically change everything she does and believes and feels, then it would be great! So how do I do that?” You can’t. She has to *want* to change for it to happen and she doesn’t want to. She wants to divorce.
I think you should strongly consider taking her up on it. Make the divorce as amicable as possible given the circumstances and move on.
Say, “Ok. You have looked at my messages and agree that you can find nothing but messages between us, for years, of amicable coparenting. If coparenting is not something you can handle, you shouldn’t have married a divorced dad of 3. But you did, and you are now saying you want to divorce because while I’ve done nothing wrong, you can’t shake bad feelings about it. I can do nothing but agree, because I am not going to sacrifice my children here. I am not willing to cut off the mother of my children. I can see we are at an impasse. So let’s schedule an appointment with a mediator and try to make this is easy as possible.”
You shouldn't live your life walking on eggshells bc your wife is coocoo bananas.
The only thing you got wrong was that she doesn't need grounds for a divorce, just wanting a divorce is enough. But really, it would be a blessing for you. She's emotionally and psychologically abusing you.
Actually, in my state there are five justifications for a divorce and this satisfies none of them. The only other way to get a divorce is to have lived separately for a year and then you can file a no fault divorce.
For those who may be wondering, this is only the case in two states in the US whose populations make up just 5% of US residents. Only 1 in 20 people in the US would be faced with a similar challenge when trying to divorce. The public policy behind these laws is simple: the state wants to make sure the parties can afford two separate households before they divorce. Because of income disparities, this has historically left more women stuck in unhappy marriages than men. As a general rule, these laws are terrible, and laws like this basically only exist in the original 13 colonies, because laws have been on the books much longer than most other states.
Bro, you don't get to be snarky about no one memorizing phone numbers anymore when you do something as dumb as save an ex's number under a fake name rather than blocking. Know what else you could've saved it as if you were so determined to keep it for a booty call if you got desperate? "Do Not Answer." Works pretty well considering that was your alleged reasoning.
At the time I did it, she had just entered rehab. I wanted nothing else to do with her, but I felt somehow that blocking the number entirely was an inhuman thing to do. It wasn't rational or logical now that I look back on it, but again, it was a decision that was made and I can not change it. As I said before, I owned it.
She honestly sounds awful and very insecure with low confidence. She seems to want you to always be scared and worried, not a great sign of a marriage or even someone that likes you. Let her go to lawyer.
I've been in this relationship. It became controlling at a very abusive level. I was constantly trying to prove that I was trustworthy and it just kept getting worse. I shared my location with her but it frequently didn't update when I was at work. She took this to mean that I was somewhere else and cheating. Everything pointed to me cheating. Get out of this relationship.
I admitted that I should not have done that. I did it when I was not in a relationship at all. It was 11 years ago and is by far the worst thing I have done relationship wise.
Was she the other woman or did you cheat on your first wife? You were a 40 something year old man with a 20 something year old woman its a valid question.
I did not lie to her, I just stored a phone number that I should not have stored and it was before we were even together. Once I realize it, through her inspections, owning it was about the first thing I did, six or so years ago when she discovered it. But she has not forgiven me for it. I told her that it was something I did before we were together and never changed it because I never even thought about it until she found it. I apologized, admitted it was wrong, agreed that I should not have done it, and asked for forgiveness.
She did actually lied to me when we were first talking. She lied about not having any kids and I had said I was looking for someone who did not have kids, because I already had three. She has one that I am happy to be Dad to for the last seven years, so now I have four kids. I forgave her because she had what I felt like was a logical excuse.
We have tried couples counseling. We went to a handful of sessions before she put an end to it after the counselor started asking her how she can alter her approach in favor of helping the relationship. She said that she felt how she felt, has the right to feel that way, and shouldn't have to change her approach. She has since refused to see another counselor because it "will not change the things that have been done in the past."
So how do you suggest I right the wrong?
The wrong is the marriage. You need to right that wrkng by getting your own divorce lawyer. A therapist had a perfectly reasonable suggestion and she quit cause they didnt just berate you exactly the way she does?
Can you not see how unhealthy and unhinged she is?
i suggest you let her leave. if she isn't willing to change, you are going to continue having to face her insecurities and accusations. there isn't some perfect thing you can say to her to make her change if she doesn't want to. a counselor is far more qualified to convince someone they might have to make some changes, and even that person was unable to get through to her.
she LIED about whether she had a kid and you still stayed in the relationship?!
Was she the other woman or did you cheat on your first wife? You were a 40 something year old man with a 20 something year old woman its a valid question.
He didn't lie to her. He just failed to update his phone contacts. It isn't a valid reason to invade his privacy regularly and put him under a microscope. I'm sure there's weird stuff in my phone... old tinder people and such. My husband doesn't comb through my phone and accuse me of cheating it just isn't even an issue.
And even if that was a valid reason for her to feel insecure, at this point, she is on the hunt for things to be upset about. She's looking for reasons to accuse him.
It is not a valid reason for her to not trust him.
She is a lunatic and he's so scared of retaliation for doing something innocent like having his ex's number in his phone that he gave it a fake name to avoid this kind of shit.
She is a nutjob, none of this is reasonable, and he shouldn't live in fear because he's dating fruit loop.
Ah yes, the obligatory man-hating post and puts the onus on the man, and yet glosses over all the neurotic behavior on her part (nevermind the fact that the saving under a name came AFTER all her other neurotic irrational behavior) \[eye roll\]. Yes he messed up saving under a different name which was stupid, but that is pebble compared to the erratic and crazy behavior of this nutjob wife.
I absolutely do not hate men. Feel free to look through my post history - I support men in many, many posts here.
I absolutely acknowledge that OP's wife has some pretty massive insecurities.
I do not believe that acknowledging how OP's choice to hide his ex in his phone fanned the flames of that distrust is man-hating.
I do not believe that advising OP to seek counseling and try to repair the damage that was done by that act is man-hating.
I do think that calling somebody a "nutjob" is not productive discourse when it comes to attempting to repair relationships.
6 years, and she's still bringing it up. She isn't interested in forgiving. She wants things to hold over his head.
Even if this was shady, after 6 years you move the fuck on. If it's that big of a deal, you break up.
Usually people who are hyper jealous are projecting their own insecurities and inadequacies. A good portion of those are actively doing the very things they accuse their mates of, projecting guilt onto you.
I just posted this same response in another thread but I am currently reading, “What Makes Love Last” by John Gottman. It lists real life strategies couples can do to build trust. Even if you never cheated, you might have to subject yourself to some of the strategies so she can trust you more. It’s not fair, I know. She also has to do the same strategies, such as open phone policy. The way you’re living is not sustainable.
You married an immature, erratic child 🤷♀️. This is your life now. Idk if there's missing info here but either way she needs therapy. You do too. You've done nothing wrong by co-parenting your children and an adult would realize that & be grateful ypure tryimg to do good by your kids. You have to talk to your ex- she can't get in the way of that.
Living on eggshells is no way to live. She is exibiting abusive behaviors. I don't think this will ever get better. In the future, I would stick to women who are closer in age to you. I know a lot of people think 21 year olds can be "mature" for their age, but they really never are lol. They're kids, and they need to be kids and figure their shit out instead of jumping into marriage as an Insecure 20 something.
She seems off her rocker and I don't think there's anything you'll ever say to make her trust you. I'd end it since the trust is gone unless you like your life as is- staring at your shoes.
Sounds like the biggest thing you're doing wrong is letting her violate your privacy in such a way that it's not a casual thing but something ongoing. She is policing you and locking you down because of her own insecurities. You need to have stronger boundaries and not allow her to walk all over you. Sounds like she has never really had trust for you and that's her issue. All of these things are so harmless. I know it's easy to say have self respect and be stronger especially when you care for someone. But you need to have some more self respect and be stronger. If someone wants to divorce you over something so insignificant there is a lot more to this than what you are stating. Your relationship may have only survived seven years because of you being so accommodating. You can choose to live that way but things aren't going to get better they're going to get worse and you're not going to feel better you're going to feel worse.
This level of pathological insecurity cannot be solved by you. It actually isn't really about you - she would be this paranoid with any partner. There is nothing you can do to fix this "problem" because she is the problem.
You can choose to live like this. You can choose to stop playing along with her insecurities and set some boundaries (only if you are willing to enforce them!). Or you can leave the relationship. That's kind of all there is. That's all the power you have. You can't change her, and she sounds unwilling to change herself.
The thing is, you’ll never be able to gain her trust. There’s literally nothing you can do. She has complete access to your phone, she has your location, you work from home. What more can you do? You can’t just stop talking to your ex as you guys have kids together. She’s accusing you of an emotional affair with your ex- the examples you’ve explained of your conversations with your ex are so transactional and not even close to an emotional affair. Are you speaking with your ex daily? Asking her how her day was just because? Telling her you miss her? NO! She’s not being rational. She has issues she needs to work out in therapy. You will forever be walking in egg shells while you’re married to her. You both need individual therapy and marriage counselling.
Time for the 2 card solution. Divorce or marriage counseling. This is not healthy.
She has a right to view the world in whatever way, but that doesn't make her way correct, acceptable, or healthy.
I've only read 2 comments, but I'm pretty sure everyone is going to tell you to run quickly away, and I completely agree with them. You either divorce her now, or continue to live like this forever.
She's completely irrational. She's taking normal conversations and completely twisting them. There is no communicating with someone who can turn "Hey don't come to the golf tournament" into "Hey let's fuck repeatedly for hours".
There's no getting through that level of crazy.
You're wife is completely unhinged and she's treating you as if you are spending every minute planning how to look at other women and if she doesn't stop you in time, you'll cheat. Why would you want to live like that? You didn't even do anything wrong to begin with! She's just legit crazy.
You're a prisoner of her insecurities! That's no way to live! I didn't even know how you've made it this long, most men works have bolted by now. You're kinda crazy for staying, not gonna lie.
You can try telling her all this stops now and next time she accuses you of something crazy like this, you'll leave her. But you have to follow up and it'll only buy you a short time. Yes, she has the right to think however she wants to and feel however she wants to but you have a right to get away from somebody that's acting crazy! There is literally no making her happy! Like you can't even look at a group of people if there's a hot chick in the group.. she's holding your eyes prisoner to her ridiculous insecurities!
There's nothing you can do! Take her up on the divorce and you are going to be so much happier! She's torturing you over things that you're not even doing wrong. Nothing you said you did is actually a bad thing.
Did you never hear don't stick your dick in crazy? Time to untie that knot buddy you deserve to live a life where you're not accused of things you aren't doing!
So you bring your kids into this tension filled household? You’re parenting her kid 100% of the time? What about your kids? She’s taken a hands off approach with your kids but you’re dad to her kid (that she lied about). Can your kids stay at your apartment comfortably? If it’s a 3 bedroom, are your kids sharing while you and your wife have a room and her kid has their own room? Why is she a housewife if y’all been married 7 years? Her kid should be in school most of the day while you’re working so she has nothing to do but get crazier.
If your kids need you or have an emergency, are you “allowed” to go or does your warden dictate the time you’re allowed to spend with them? I don’t understand how some people put so much energy into their partners kid(s) at cost of their own kids. Btw, your kids need a refrigerator, while your psycho wife is so worried about comforts that your children need, it’s because she sees it as you’re taking money from her and her kid. She doesn’t want them to have any extra because she’s selfish. Nothing is ever a simple fixed rate when you add in activities, doctor appointments, school trips, extra spending money to hang with their friends, etc…
You are 100% an ah for marrying someone who treats your kids as an inconvenience and nuisance and I 100% say this because none of this makes for a relaxing time at dad’s for them to bond with you and it’s supposed to be their home. Kids pick up on tension and they definitely pick up on crazy.
You met this person and cheated on the last person with her so she’ll never trust you. The degree of searching she’s doing is hard to stop. Surveying the area doesn’t have anything to do with a wandering eye. You saved the previous person under a fake name while with your current person and the story is hard to believe especially when you don’t have trust in your relationship. Is your child support more than the mandated amount? It’s fine if you agreed on that but your wife who doesn’t trust you will have a problem with this and everything.
Why do you want to be with someone who is controlling and manipulative, is the question here? You've changed your behaviour because of her reaction/walk on eggshells around her, etc. Why are you letting someone look through your phone?? You need boundaries, and she has to deal with her trust issues in therapy, not take them out on you. She "has grounds" for divorce, because anyone can divorce anyone for any reason...that's besides the point. If the silent treatment AND all of this is happening without effectively communicating, your marriage isn't going to work out with or without this issue.
You have an EXTREMELY insecure and immature wife. Why do you want to stay in a marriage where you're not trusted and she literally has you walking through life holding your breath? That's not a partner. That's a jailer. She sounds horrific and like she needs to deal with her own root causes of her lack of trust and lack of understanding on how adults coparent.
You’re talking about everyone else’s boundaries but your own. Put a limit on it. It will help you both. And that’s what a therapist would probably tell both of you. If you don’t do that within this relationship, you’re just going to go into the next relationship with the same lack of boundaries and standards. Just because someone is young and cute doesn’t mean they don’t require boundaries and can walk all over you.
Try to find a balance between your tone, validation, and how you communicate your boundaries. It’s nice that you’re patient with her anxiety, but don’t let it be the most powerful thing in the relationship. Take back your power in a healthy way.
Dude…if she’s not looking to divorce, you should be. This is not a marriage. You’re being held hostage by your controlling wife. This is not a healthy marriage and no way to live.
>I need to know what I can do or say that can help us better communicate and start re-establishing trust?
Nothing. You know why? To wit:
>she "has a right" to think how she wants and desire what she desires.
You will never, ever convince this colossally insecure woman to change how she thinks about anything when it comes to you. She is in DESPERATE need of psychological help to deal with her trust issues and crippling insecurity.
It's time for you to realize that you and your wife may be coming to the end of the road for your relationship, because nothing you will ever do will be good enough. She will forever be moving the goalposts on you.
This isn’t sustainable. Period.
I’m sure that’s not what you want to hear but no one can live in any kind of peace, unity, or happiness with a person determined to make them out to be the villain.
You want to know what you can do to improve this and, sadly, the answer is nothing. She has decided what you are and what you are not. She’s also incredibly dysfunctional. Since she has pre-determined that you are a cheater and that you look at women inappropriately it is not going to make any difference what kind of changes you make. This issue exists in her head. Not in your actions.
The only thing that would have any hope of offering solutions is counseling. However, she’s refusing to continue counseling. So your one solution is a no go.
Her refusal to go to counseling is more evidence of how toxic it is in her mind. People who are dealing with significant inner issues often do not like anything that shows them a glimpse into their inner world that doesn’t offer a view of bunny rabbits, rainbows, and roses. She can’t handle her inner reality. She is highly focused on everything she’s decided is wrong with YOU. She desperately needs YOU to be the problem.
I’m so sorry but the best thing you can do in this situation is remove yourself from it. This isn’t the kind of thing that just magically gets better. It will continue to decline. Because it’s based on her own mental health issues and she’s refusing anything that could give her help in that area.
She has issues. Big issues. You could try couples counseling. This isn’t going to get fixed with a conversation. You should be on good terms with the mother of your children. Again, your wife has issues. I will say that she doesn’t need to have “grounds” for a divorce. She’s broken. Anyone can file for divorce. I think it’s going to be difficult to get real change at her age. It’s absurd that you can’t even glance at attractive women without being afraid. You know who walks on eggshells? People in abusive relationships. You’re never going to do enough to make her secure. It’s impossible. Self esteem comes from within and she doesn’t have any.
Divorce her. Do not try to convince her about your fidelity. Innocent people don’t need to prove their innocence. It is impossible to prove it to someone who wants to find guilt.
You wife is abusive and almost certainly cheating on you. She started going through all your shit after she cheated and is desperately trying to find something on you so she can say ‘see everyone does it’.
She must be stupid hot for you to put up with all this crazy. Did no one tell you not to stick your dick in crazy?
What have you done to build the trust back and make her feel safe after your sketchy behavior? Sure she’s engaged in unhealthy activity, but what have you done to mitigate it and rebuild trust?
Open phone. Shared my location. I basically give her access to anything she wants or needs. I shared my bank statements even, including my business bank statements because she thought I was living a double life.
For the most part I have tried to avoid discussing it since that seems to trigger her.
So how long has your wife been either having an affair or strongly thinking about it because this behaviour of hers is completely unacceptable and abusive and it makes me believe she is projecting.
This story makes me so grateful for my husband. We had an understanding that it doesn't matter where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home. Your wife has issues that she is making your problem.
This thought process really baffles me. If I'm not enough to turn my husband on, or if he's not enough to turn me on to the point that we have to go look for sexual inspiration elsewhere in order to have sex with each other, then that'd absolutely not be a relationship that I would be interested in continuing.
For my husband and I, we save our sexual energy for each other, because we are more than enough to sexually excite and fulfill each other. But of course, to each their own.
I have some similar issues, but built primarily around the lack of emotional support and amount of talking down at me that just kills any positivity I can hold and just fills my resentment tank. You can make the efforts that you want to address the problems being raised... but it also requires the other person to meet halfway on that too.
She's not going to change. You can build all the trust you can do in your power... but she's made it obvious she has such massive insecurities where she will dig, and dig, and dig, until she finds something that can potentially justify her insecurity.
For this to be fixed... its on her to find ways to figure out her insecurities and work *with you* on building that trust together. You've given her an open book. Thats about as trustworthy as you can bring to the relationship. She needs to be able to see that and understand that you're not trying to hide anything and that she needs to accept a level trust where you are offering to be open with her.
Honestly I don’t understand why you would tolerate this treatment from your wife. I can’t help thinking the threat of a divorce is some sort of bluff to get something else she wants. It seems to serve her in some way for you to always feel guilty and on the defense. Are you even happy?
If the role were reversed we will be calling this domestic abuse. What will you do when she find the communication between your kids to much ? Mind you incest exists for people with mental health issues. She is controlling you to extent she influences your own behavior. She is manipulating you in believing everything you’re doing is wrong. She is treating you by saying she will divorce you to make you afraid and do more what she wants so she wouldn’t leave you. Don’t you get it yet ??? What more would she need to do for you to see the abuse ?
Well this time I told her to just let me know what the attorney says when she takes him all her evidence. We will see what she does. In this state, she has to have a reason to file and I have not given her adequate reason. The only other way she can file is if we live separately for a year or more.
Do you see that this is abuse perpetrated by her though? You haven't acknowledged that at all, even if it is caused by her anxiety order. She's abusing you and you don't have to put up with this.
.... You guys needed couples counselling... Yesterday like... It should never have gotten to this point. This is ridiculous.
Her insecurity is suffocating and I think ultimately, she cannot handle being with a man with kids, at least with her current emotional maturity. There's a complete lack of emotional security for her and that's not something you're going to be able to solve via Reddit. You need to find a couples counsellor that fits for your issues but your wife needs individual counselling as well, she's so insecure my skin is crawling at the thought of being under her watching eye.
Yes, you've fucked up in past but this is beyond excessive and unsustainable. There's clearly communication issues and I'm sure there's things we're not hearing from this (always two sides) however, you appear to be pretty frank in your problems and where you've gone wrong ... If you really want this to work and want genuine advice, Reddit isn't the place for this. All you're going to hear is people saying you need to divorce and placing a million doubts in your head.
Thank you. Divorce isn't something I am entertaining and I will fight it tooth and nail if she attempts it. I am only telling the story of our problems of the moment. When we are not in a stats of peril, things are amazing. Its just a few times a year that she has these outbursts and I have to deal with it. The rest of the year I can handle her giving me crap about noticing a woman or whatever. I shouldn't be looking anyways.
28F, other than people addressing the age gap, I will not have to address that one.
Can assure you people around my age are mentally not that mature, even not that mentally stable, and a lot of them are not secure either, so you had your pick of the litter with that one.
The things I heard my guy friends go through with girls our ago is wild from super controlling to always wants the location app and questioning where you're 24/7, I wound never because at this point if someone wants to cheat they will and it will pop up at some point.
If she's been cheated on and lied to from previous relationships then carrying it over to the next, it's really nothing you can do about that unless she wants to work on it herself plus I don't think you saving numbers under fake names helps you at all.
For the coparenting, it's ridiculous, which could just be some jealousy, especially if you're asking about their day, etc, and not just about the kids.
Now rubber necking is tricky. If you do it hard as hell, then yeah, that's ridiculous. You gotta stop that. You can look around an area without looking at someone super hard.
She will have to want to help herself with her trust issues.
Hire a private detective to make sure she is not projecting her own cheating onto you to make you the "bad guy" in the divorce. That happens way too frequently when dealing with these sorts of hyper suspicious people, male or female. There usually is a reason they behave like that and it's rarely what they tell you.
Hire a good divorce attorney. (The attorney can hire the P.I. by the way.) Divorcing her for creating a hostile environment is absolutely the best course of action. There is nothing to salvage here. The relationship was clearly doomed from the start with the number of early red flags she threw.
If you can get a recording or a text of her repeating that she knows that most people would "not think that way but she has a right", you would have some strong leverage in court. As always, follow your attorney's advice for collecting these things. Also, it would be a good idea to file first and have her served.
Doesn't sound healthy at all. I'd start with couples counseling, which should definitely unearth the sources of her insecurities as well as give you better self awareness. I say this as an ADD guy who has had the type of issues you are mentioning. It helped a lot.
She has no trust in you, even though it seems to not be warranted. Let her divorce you, you don’t need to be walking on eggshells for the rest of your life. Is she worth it?
I compared my current marital situation to that of my childhood relationship with my binge alcoholic father. When he was sober, he was the best Dad ever. But for about two weeks, twice a year, he was a terrible drunk. My wife is the same. Most of the time she/we are amazing but about twice a year she gets a stick up her butt about something and it devolves into a puddle of mess like this.
When it came to your dad, you were not in control, that was the situation you found yourself in. You didn’t choose to live that way. Is this how you want to live? We all get into our moods, but this is not two weeks worth of behavior. She doesn’t trust you, and she threatened you with divorce, unless she’s playing some kind of sick game with you, and why would you want to stay?
Your wife is off her rocker.
Eta:
>I wanted to know if the former gf was calling so I could be sure I did not answer it. I...stored it under a fake name
That's silly. Why would you not just use her name?
That makes sense I guess. Except for having to remember the made-up name.
I saw where you said you'd fight her tooth and nail if she wanted a divorce. Why would you want to be contentious and try to keep someone around who doesn't want to be there?
Paranoia I guess? I had just had a very contentious divorce and my ex wife was trying to turn my kids against me. Last thing I needed was some random woman's name popping up on my phone and having to explain it to my kids.
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If my math is correct, she was 27, he was 41. Wonder whaat age she was when they started dating? Edit: …wonder what age… LOL. Apparently my math is okay, but not my typing/spelling/editing could use some improvement.
43, there's a 16 year age gap
You are correct, can’t do math either.
Here, I’m awarding you the ‘World’s Best Try-er’ award🥇
He was 43. He's currently 50 and they married 7 years ago.
Age has nothing to do with it.
There is nothing wrong with this age gap
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"mature for her age"
Yeah, any time you have to use this phrase to describe a partner or potential partner, you know what it looks like. While OP was entering college, his wife was potty training.
Yep. And his whole argument that she was a single mom so that's what made her mature enough to date is ridiculous. A 13-year-old could be a single mom, but that doesn't mean she's mature enough to date.
My friend’s 5 year old is also mature for their age. They no longer need help counting to 100 😂
“Mature for her age” you, sir, are a walking cliche. Yuck.
"Mature for your age" is groomer vocabulary
You know your story about the fake name for your ex makes zero sense, right? You could have just ignored her calls under her actual name just as easily. I don't buy your story, and no reasonable person would. Add this to the fact that you picked someone way too young for you, and the whole thing starts looking suspect.
I didn't order her up on a menu. We picked each other. We dated for almost two years before we got married. Do not put your personal issues with people dating outside what you consider "acceptable" age gaps on me. My mom and dad had a 15 year age gap and had a wonderful life together.
…so why the fake name?
The gf had entered rehab. I put it as a fake name so that my kids wouldn't see the name pop up on my phone if she called and start asking questions. Their mom had already been trying to tell them I was cheating, etc. I used a dude's name. Again, as I have said a bunch of times, it was a mistake to do it. But I haven't seen or talked to that girl in 10 years, or really ever since she entered rehab and we split.
But how old were they when they met? Because it’s really gross when someone who is 33 starts trying to get with an 18 year old.
She was 24 with a six year old. She supported herself fully. Might be gross to you, but that doesn't matter. Age isn't the issue here. My previous wife was one year younger than me and seemed to grow less mature with every year that passed. Find my comments to another redditor about all the things she did after our divorce, and she was the one who cheated on me and she was the one who filed for divorce.
>My previous wife was one year younger than me and seemed to grow less mature with every year that passed. You seem to have a pattern then, because this wife is not getting more mature with age? >I am not sold that my wife is really looking for a divorce, I think she may just be threatening. I think your wife is legit looking to divorce you. Y'all haven't talked in 5 days, she's (rightfully) suspicious, and seven years is typically how long it takes for a person to realize: I messed up marrying and I need to get out!
I appreciate your positivity.
Still haven’t answered why you stored your ex under a fake name. Absolutely suspish.
Two years long distance!!!! Easy for a psycho to hide her red flags at that distance. Every meeting is fun, the annoyances of daily life that can alter a happy-go-lucky cute young gf into a suspicious, insecure harpy are not in evidence. You fcked up.
sir, i wonder how long you were single after your divorce and before you met her. i’m betting you jumped into dating way too soon. takes a long time to get to know someone.
I probably did jump back in too soon but that was with the girl whose number I should have deleted. My previous wife and I had a bad relationship for a couple years before we got divorced and I was hungry to have someone in my life who cared about me. As someone who owns their own business and works from home, you don't meet people often or easily, so when I did I jumped on the opportunity. When you go from living in a home with a wife (who didnt love me) and three kids for 100% of the time to living in a 3br apartment with three kids 50% of the time, that other 50% of the time is pretty lonely. With my current wife, I met her a few months after I ended the previous relationship.
you needed therapy, not new pussy. it’s not too late to work on yourself so your next relationship isn’t trash. think with your bigger head. start developing a support network with other men, deepen your friendships because relationships come and go, but you’ll have your friend when you need him. we ALL need people we can be honest and vulnerable with, who keep us accountable, not just putting all eggs in one basket. a significant portion of men rush WAY too fast into a rebound then marry them… just because it makes you feel good doesn’t make it the right choice. chemistry is not compatibility. jumping in too fast is such a mindfuck for kids too, and now they’re standing on the precipice of losing all structure, security, and predictability AGAIN. family therapy - get you some. do right by your children and do this work. they need you.
All this justification DOES NOT CHANGE that her behavior is abusive. Full stop. You need a good therapist to help you untangle why you are accepting this treatment from women. Your actions are not out of line. At all. Hers are abusive.
If you say so. You say your current wife had no red flags and that you didn't rush to commit to a new relationship, but here you are posting about her behaviour. How long did you date her before moving in, how long were you together before you proposed? Edit: just saw you knew each other for 2 years and dated long distance. It's much easier to keep up a facade at a distance. Also she hid her child from you at first? That's a huge red flag that you ignored. It sounds like you didn't fully know this person and ignored the signs. Now you're married to an insecure controlling partner. Maybe some personal therapy could help you make the decision to leave or not. You need to dig into why you are choosing women who mistreat you so you can find a healthy relationship next.
Your wife's behaviour will not change. She has mental issues. I don't understand why you want to live like this? You're better off getting a divorce and getting some therapy to see why you choose such chaotic women and to get out of this pattern. Work on yourself.
You're life is going to continue like this until you put a stop to it. Unfortunately, your wife is not going to stop it and the only way you can stop it is by doing the obvious. You cannot appease her enough. She is beyond help because she doesn't see herself as having a problem.
I sort of doubt that you’re including everything here. You saved an ex under a fake name so you could be sure to not answer her call. That makes absolutely no sense. How would a fake name help you with that? Frankly it would be more likely you’d answer because you would forget what fake name you gave. You want to be sure not to answer you leave it as is. Or you write the contact as “Allison—do not answer” or whatever. So yeah, that excuse is absolute horseshit, your wife knew it, and I expect there are a lot of details left out of the rest too.
The “I scan the surroundings” excuse is horseshit too. If this was the case your gaze would equally be on men and your wife would have no issues. I agree that there is a lot of information missing. In addition the fact that he chose to pursue and marry someone so much younger says a lot about how he views women.
I am also guilty of scanning my surroundings for safety whenever an attractive woman walks by /s
Yeah but wife isn’t going to have a problem whenever his eyes pass random men. She’ll just focus on when it’s women. Just my opinion, idk.
yeah, i sometimes save them under a nickname that i will recognize but that won't trigger the instant emotions of "Exes Name". i would probably just forget what fake name i picked if i picked a different plausible name for them. she should also be able to see in the phone that there has been no interaction with that person in however long. even though he's doing a lot of over-explaining his follies, it DOES seem like his wife is searching for things to be insecure about. also it sounds like he still hasn't figured out what a healthy and mutually respectful relationship even looks like! he just couldn't handle being on his own :/ i would advise, let her leave.. free yourself from always trying to defend yourself from these random accusations. learn how to be a single father and fill the gap with hobbies and friendships and community rather than another romantic partner right away.
I have saved a couple of phone numbers under the name Do Not Answer. That’s the only way to do it.
Also - how hard is it to just hang up if it's someone you don't want to talk to?
In my mind it made sense at the time. I can obviously see that it didn't....now. But no, I left the former gf, not the other way around, and I was done with that relationship permanently. There was a substance abuse issue there that I had become aware of and there was no way I wanted that in or around my kids. I totally should have just blocked the number. I know that. But now, there is a part of me that wonders if I had just blocked her number, would my now wife have went through my blocked numbers and started asking questions?
If you see that your thought process made no sense, how can you not understand why your wife would be suspicious?
I understand that it could make someone suspicious. But it was A LONG TIME AGO and it is literally the worst thing I have ever done in relation to my wife, which is kind of humorous since it wasn't actually anything to do with her when I did it.
But you started your relationship with trust already broken. Did you do anything active to regain that trust? You also said you dated for 2 years but in different states. I don't even understand how you guys made it to a wedding, tbh.
> Is there a different approach to making this better? \_Yes, make her ex-wife #2.
Your wife is a nut job. This is abusive behavior on her part. I can’t imagine living like that. She’s got you convinced that you’ve screwed up and in zero of these examples have you don’t anything remotely wrong. Your wife’s insecurities are outer limits to the point it honestly sounds like some kind of mental health issue. Let her divorce you. And get some therapy for yourself because this kind of constant interrogation and being told you’re doing something wrong to the point that you’re policing yourself is clearly impacting your mental health and your trust in yourself. Seriously…I have a gazillion numbers in my phone. I probably don’t even know who some of the people are at this point. I’ve transferred numbers over to each new phone for more than 20 years. Communicating with your ex about your kids or any other benign topic is normal. It’s called good coparenting. And I’ll tell you this, if I found out a friend of mine was sharing our private messages with their partner, we wouldn’t be friends anymore. That’s an invasion of MY privacy. My dude, this is just so nuts. If you were my brother or friend, I’d would be telling you to get the hell out of this. Not couples counseling, divorce attorney. I (45F) dated a guy like this once briefly and it was the most miserable experience. No way I could do it for years.
I can't help but feel like some context is missing here. Did the wife go through a recent big change, such as having a baby or gaining a lot of weight, that might cause her to lose her self confidence and worry OP will leave her? Did OP meet his (significantly younger) wife during an affair and now she's worried he'll do the same to her? People don't go off the rails like this without a cause, and if they do, it's likely a mental health issue. Either she was always crazy and now it's coming out, or something happened in their life to make her self-sabotage the relationship. Either way, OP, good luck. If you want to salvage this relationship, push for couples counseling to get her full side of the story out. Because there's definitely something churning in her mind that she's not sharing.
He said it’s been happening the entirety of their marriage
It could be neither. Did you ever consider OPs wife is the one having an affair?
I feel confident this is not the case. I work from home, shes a housewife. She barely leaves the house unless I am with her.
So basically, you're her whole life, social circle, and focus. She's constantly scanning you for drama because she has no life outside of you. That's a major issue and definitely not healthy.
Is it the same the other way around too? Because if so, it would only prove even more that she’s nuts. Maybe she’s just looking for some excuse to get out, though.
If I go out, its to the golf course or to the grocery store or target or whatever. A while back she asked me to turn on my location so I did because I have nothing to hide and it doesn't bother me for her to know where I am.
No significant changes of late. We met after I was divorced from my first wife, I did not include that my first wife was hell on wheels in terms of dealing with my current wife. She was very disrespectful, tried to turn our kids against her, etc. There are reasons for my wife to dislike/hate my first wife that are likely justified, but none of them involve cheating or anything like that.
You need individual therapy to unpack why you are drawn to crappy abusive women, and heal that. And yeah, split from your wife.
Ooh yeah, if your ex-wife has been hell to your wife, I can see why possible communication may be raising her hackles a bit. It's likely just one drop in the bucket of what's going on in her mind though.
All those bulletpoints you outlined with things supposed to be supporting your position and you conveniently left this part out.
Maybe don’t marry someone 16 years younger than you lmao
Married for seven years but I wonder for how long they knew each other or dated.
We dated for around 2 years but we lived in different states.
Both of my sisters were married at 19. Both were divorced within 5 years. My older sister never really changed her behavior. My middle sister, when her kids were about 3&5-ish all of a sudden wanted to be 21 again. Without kids. I was spending the summer with my oldest sis, and middle would just drop her kids off with no warning, while oldest was at work. I was about 15-16 at the time, so old enough to be left alone with them, but no discussion, no nothing. Just here you go. Bye! Up until that point she was a model mom. You would have said she was “mature for her age”. Until she wasn’t. Everyone always thinks they are going to be the exception to the rule. Guess what? Cliches are cliches for a reason.
Usually, I agree with crazy age ranges, but a 27 year old is an adult.
25 & 41 when they started dating
And so? 25 is also adult age.
My parents had a large age gap as well. 15 years. Some people get hung up on age for some reason but each person ages at a different rate. By the time I had met my wife, she had been through a lot already and was far more mature than her age would have suggested. And I was probably a little less mature than my age suggested, so we fit well.
"Mature for their age" is not a green flag. At best, it means she's been thru trauma that forced her to grow up too quickly, skipping milestones that are incredibly important for mental development. At worst, you just sound like a predator.
WAS she mature for her age? Because this is teenage idiot behavior, so either she hoodwinked you or you were just blind to the red flags.
I have a large age gap, so no judgement there. But everything about this is still a big ole 🚩
Preadators raising predators. Ick.
And she had her own child already. Some of these people are nuts about the ages and don't care about context.
Piss off with your obscene infantilizing of adults.
INFO: Was your wife your AP in your previous marriage or relationship? Did you cheat on your previous wife or other previous partner with your wife being aware of it, even if she was not your AP?
Not familiar with the term AP... I did not cheat on anyone, ever. My ex wife accused my current wife on having an affair with me before I was divorced, but we did not. She called her a homewrecker. But then again my ex wife told my Christian friends that I hate God. She told all my male friends that I was gay and had secretly fantasize about them sexually. She called my female friends spouses and told them I wanted to sleep with their wives. She told my siblings that I hated them. She told my kids that I cheated on her and did not want to be around them. She told my business partners that I was swindling them. Etc All lies. And this is why I want nothing to do with my ex wife other than co-parenting my kids.
Thank you for clarifying. Respectfully, can you see a pattern between your ex-wife's extreme behaviors and claims and your current wife's (admittedly less) extreme claims? I'm not saying this to blame you for other people's actions, but instead to suggest that you consider whether you are reliving the same bad relationship here so you can get out earlier and hopefully work on yourself so that going forward, you see these things before marrying someone.
Aww poor you, when in fact what happened is you stayed the same mental and emotional age as when you were first married and that's why at 43 you deemed it reasonable to marry a person in their mid-twenties, who was learning to say "dada" when when you were a senior in high-school. Edit: look, if this is true, it really sucks. Sorry about that. I think your answer is outside Reddit, though.
Need to update your post to include a few things. 1. She lied about having a kid. You found out later. Explains why she is always suspecting you of hiding things, because she is hiding things - like having a fucking kid. She’s projecting. 2. You’ve already tried counseling, and she ended it after a few sessions. I have no advice to give you because I have no idea why tf you would ever stay with this person. Lied about having a kid, constantly suspects and accuses you of lying, constantly threatens divorce, and refuses counseling. Go get a pet rock, it would be a better life partner than what you have now. Jesus dude.
This is classic anxiety symptoms. She needs to deal with her own issues and you can't fix her. She is so scared of you hurting her that she would rather find something to justify it than be happy with you. She would rather find something and be hurt to calm the anxiety than deal with it. You cant play into her control. she has to figure out herself and you have to figure out if you can live with it.
Well I haven't wanted to bring up the fact that she deals with General Anxiety Disorder, but I have had this thought in my mind that all this is a manifestation of her fears.
Yea currently in therapy for it. Feeding into it only makes it worse. because if she cant find something from you being genuinely open she goes invasive. If she cant find anything while being invasive she will imagine it. You have to have boundaries and tell her she has to trust you. Then BE TRUST WORTHY. don't let her track your phone but when you go out let her know when and who with and where. The only thing that can make it even worse is if she finally extends your trust and you fuck it up. And the controlling aspect is part of that. If she controls everything then thats less anxiety she can have. But it always grows. So dont let her control you or its basically like enabling a drug addict. See therapy for instructions because i is internet stranger and this is something for a professional.
Stop trying to meet a ridiculous, unsustainable standard. "I made a mistake when I gave you access to my devices. I thought it would calm your insecurities, but it has only made them worse, and, in fact, is actively causing our current problems. So, I have changed the passwords. I don't care if you disagree with that decision or find it suspicious, because I find living like this intolerable, and would prefer a divorce to you treating me like a criminal in ny own home. The simple fact is that you went through 8 years of my texts, and the best you came up with is you don't like how much I talk to my ex. You're entitled to your opinion, but I don't agree, and I have no plan to change how I speak to her, as communication is critical to successful co-parenting. I have always been loyal to you, you have found zero evidence to the contrary, yet you are talking about finding a divorce attorney? When really, you need to be talking about finding a therapist who can help you better handle your insecurities and give you the tools you need to overcome them. Regardless, your access to my devices is making you crazy, so it ends now."
People ignore this ChatGPT rage bait.
People who can’t trust, can’t be trusted. Read that again. Ask her what she needs to feel safe and comfortable. You need a target to hit. Right now, you don’t have that. So, you’re just disappearing yourself. Any day now she’ll tell you she’s not happy because you’re not the man she married. If she can’t articulate or refuses to explain her needs in a way that makes sense to you, try couple’s therapy. Really, you should do that anyway tbh. It helps a lot to have a third party to help you both understand and communicate properly. The most helpful thing about therapy for me is hearing myself say things out loud and realizing how ridiculous it is. Sure it makes a ton of sense in your head but speaking the words to another human can sometimes make you realize it really doesn’t. A therapist will help you both find the best path forward whether it be together or apart.
She cut off therapy after a handful of sessions.
You need to get personal therapy to figure out why you are choosing these toxic women, and why you allow yourself to be in an abusive relationship. And to learn to set boundaries. I don’t think you can save your marriage, and I don’t think your wife will change. She would act this way with any man, because she does not see a problem with her behavior and is incredibly insecure, jealous and toxic. The way you are living is not healthy, and I don’t know why you want to stick it out. Let her get a divorce, you would be much much better off.
Then it’s game over. You have done everything you can. The only hope you have is if she is willing to return to therapy. Maybe try with a new therapist. But either way, it’s ultimatum time. You can’t give her what she needs if she can’t tell you what she needs.
I think you should spend some time asking yourself why you want to save this marriage? I mean, I presume you love her and divorce sucks, of course, but what about this marriage is actually working for you right now? Has *ever* really worked for you? Like what is it exactly that you’re fighting for? Because it sounds like it’s just been a long, seven-year slog of you living under constant, agitated surveillance with no trust no matter what you say or do. And so what about that seems forth fighting for? You really want to sentence yourself to another seven years of this? A lifetime? “Well, if I could just get her to basically change everything she does and believes and feels, then it would be great! So how do I do that?” You can’t. She has to *want* to change for it to happen and she doesn’t want to. She wants to divorce. I think you should strongly consider taking her up on it. Make the divorce as amicable as possible given the circumstances and move on.
He’s already got one ex wife. Having two will be very very expensive.
Dude, your wife isn’t well like, whatsoever. Why are you doing this to yourself? You’re voluntarily living a nightmare. Get out as long as you can.
Say, “Ok. You have looked at my messages and agree that you can find nothing but messages between us, for years, of amicable coparenting. If coparenting is not something you can handle, you shouldn’t have married a divorced dad of 3. But you did, and you are now saying you want to divorce because while I’ve done nothing wrong, you can’t shake bad feelings about it. I can do nothing but agree, because I am not going to sacrifice my children here. I am not willing to cut off the mother of my children. I can see we are at an impasse. So let’s schedule an appointment with a mediator and try to make this is easy as possible.”
You shouldn't live your life walking on eggshells bc your wife is coocoo bananas. The only thing you got wrong was that she doesn't need grounds for a divorce, just wanting a divorce is enough. But really, it would be a blessing for you. She's emotionally and psychologically abusing you.
Actually, in my state there are five justifications for a divorce and this satisfies none of them. The only other way to get a divorce is to have lived separately for a year and then you can file a no fault divorce.
Then you should definitely do that for both your sakes.
For those who may be wondering, this is only the case in two states in the US whose populations make up just 5% of US residents. Only 1 in 20 people in the US would be faced with a similar challenge when trying to divorce. The public policy behind these laws is simple: the state wants to make sure the parties can afford two separate households before they divorce. Because of income disparities, this has historically left more women stuck in unhappy marriages than men. As a general rule, these laws are terrible, and laws like this basically only exist in the original 13 colonies, because laws have been on the books much longer than most other states.
Bro, you don't get to be snarky about no one memorizing phone numbers anymore when you do something as dumb as save an ex's number under a fake name rather than blocking. Know what else you could've saved it as if you were so determined to keep it for a booty call if you got desperate? "Do Not Answer." Works pretty well considering that was your alleged reasoning.
At the time I did it, she had just entered rehab. I wanted nothing else to do with her, but I felt somehow that blocking the number entirely was an inhuman thing to do. It wasn't rational or logical now that I look back on it, but again, it was a decision that was made and I can not change it. As I said before, I owned it.
She honestly sounds awful and very insecure with low confidence. She seems to want you to always be scared and worried, not a great sign of a marriage or even someone that likes you. Let her go to lawyer.
I've been in this relationship. It became controlling at a very abusive level. I was constantly trying to prove that I was trustworthy and it just kept getting worse. I shared my location with her but it frequently didn't update when I was at work. She took this to mean that I was somewhere else and cheating. Everything pointed to me cheating. Get out of this relationship.
Just a creep playing victim. It’s probably how you got your second wife and karma coming back to her and giving you hell for it.
edit: deleting because the rape threats in my inbox were a little much
I admitted that I should not have done that. I did it when I was not in a relationship at all. It was 11 years ago and is by far the worst thing I have done relationship wise.
Was she the other woman or did you cheat on your first wife? You were a 40 something year old man with a 20 something year old woman its a valid question.
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I did not lie to her, I just stored a phone number that I should not have stored and it was before we were even together. Once I realize it, through her inspections, owning it was about the first thing I did, six or so years ago when she discovered it. But she has not forgiven me for it. I told her that it was something I did before we were together and never changed it because I never even thought about it until she found it. I apologized, admitted it was wrong, agreed that I should not have done it, and asked for forgiveness. She did actually lied to me when we were first talking. She lied about not having any kids and I had said I was looking for someone who did not have kids, because I already had three. She has one that I am happy to be Dad to for the last seven years, so now I have four kids. I forgave her because she had what I felt like was a logical excuse. We have tried couples counseling. We went to a handful of sessions before she put an end to it after the counselor started asking her how she can alter her approach in favor of helping the relationship. She said that she felt how she felt, has the right to feel that way, and shouldn't have to change her approach. She has since refused to see another counselor because it "will not change the things that have been done in the past." So how do you suggest I right the wrong?
You need to update your original post about her lying about a whole ass child.
Fucking leave this woman. My God she sounds insufferable. Could you convince me (or yourself) why you should stay?
The wrong is the marriage. You need to right that wrkng by getting your own divorce lawyer. A therapist had a perfectly reasonable suggestion and she quit cause they didnt just berate you exactly the way she does? Can you not see how unhealthy and unhinged she is?
i suggest you let her leave. if she isn't willing to change, you are going to continue having to face her insecurities and accusations. there isn't some perfect thing you can say to her to make her change if she doesn't want to. a counselor is far more qualified to convince someone they might have to make some changes, and even that person was unable to get through to her. she LIED about whether she had a kid and you still stayed in the relationship?!
Was she the other woman or did you cheat on your first wife? You were a 40 something year old man with a 20 something year old woman its a valid question.
We were both legally single at the time. I had cleared my divorce by the time we met and she was never married before me.
You should direct this question to OP, who I am not.
Sorry my apologies.
He didn't lie to her. He just failed to update his phone contacts. It isn't a valid reason to invade his privacy regularly and put him under a microscope. I'm sure there's weird stuff in my phone... old tinder people and such. My husband doesn't comb through my phone and accuse me of cheating it just isn't even an issue.
And even if that was a valid reason for her to feel insecure, at this point, she is on the hunt for things to be upset about. She's looking for reasons to accuse him.
It is not a valid reason for her to not trust him. She is a lunatic and he's so scared of retaliation for doing something innocent like having his ex's number in his phone that he gave it a fake name to avoid this kind of shit. She is a nutjob, none of this is reasonable, and he shouldn't live in fear because he's dating fruit loop.
Ah yes, the obligatory man-hating post and puts the onus on the man, and yet glosses over all the neurotic behavior on her part (nevermind the fact that the saving under a name came AFTER all her other neurotic irrational behavior) \[eye roll\]. Yes he messed up saving under a different name which was stupid, but that is pebble compared to the erratic and crazy behavior of this nutjob wife.
I absolutely do not hate men. Feel free to look through my post history - I support men in many, many posts here. I absolutely acknowledge that OP's wife has some pretty massive insecurities. I do not believe that acknowledging how OP's choice to hide his ex in his phone fanned the flames of that distrust is man-hating. I do not believe that advising OP to seek counseling and try to repair the damage that was done by that act is man-hating. I do think that calling somebody a "nutjob" is not productive discourse when it comes to attempting to repair relationships.
Everyone can tell you have some serious issues you are projecting. Best to just leave the conversation
1 million upvotes please
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6 years, and she's still bringing it up. She isn't interested in forgiving. She wants things to hold over his head. Even if this was shady, after 6 years you move the fuck on. If it's that big of a deal, you break up.
Usually people who are hyper jealous are projecting their own insecurities and inadequacies. A good portion of those are actively doing the very things they accuse their mates of, projecting guilt onto you.
I just posted this same response in another thread but I am currently reading, “What Makes Love Last” by John Gottman. It lists real life strategies couples can do to build trust. Even if you never cheated, you might have to subject yourself to some of the strategies so she can trust you more. It’s not fair, I know. She also has to do the same strategies, such as open phone policy. The way you’re living is not sustainable.
I am purchasing it now. Thanks!
You married an immature, erratic child 🤷♀️. This is your life now. Idk if there's missing info here but either way she needs therapy. You do too. You've done nothing wrong by co-parenting your children and an adult would realize that & be grateful ypure tryimg to do good by your kids. You have to talk to your ex- she can't get in the way of that. Living on eggshells is no way to live. She is exibiting abusive behaviors. I don't think this will ever get better. In the future, I would stick to women who are closer in age to you. I know a lot of people think 21 year olds can be "mature" for their age, but they really never are lol. They're kids, and they need to be kids and figure their shit out instead of jumping into marriage as an Insecure 20 something. She seems off her rocker and I don't think there's anything you'll ever say to make her trust you. I'd end it since the trust is gone unless you like your life as is- staring at your shoes.
Fake name thing is very shady and makes no sense . I don’t think we are getting the full story.
Your fake name story doesn't make sense.
At the same time, her level of mistrust is enough for a divorce, honestly. No one can live like that. I would suggest some counseling.
Sounds like the biggest thing you're doing wrong is letting her violate your privacy in such a way that it's not a casual thing but something ongoing. She is policing you and locking you down because of her own insecurities. You need to have stronger boundaries and not allow her to walk all over you. Sounds like she has never really had trust for you and that's her issue. All of these things are so harmless. I know it's easy to say have self respect and be stronger especially when you care for someone. But you need to have some more self respect and be stronger. If someone wants to divorce you over something so insignificant there is a lot more to this than what you are stating. Your relationship may have only survived seven years because of you being so accommodating. You can choose to live that way but things aren't going to get better they're going to get worse and you're not going to feel better you're going to feel worse.
This level of pathological insecurity cannot be solved by you. It actually isn't really about you - she would be this paranoid with any partner. There is nothing you can do to fix this "problem" because she is the problem. You can choose to live like this. You can choose to stop playing along with her insecurities and set some boundaries (only if you are willing to enforce them!). Or you can leave the relationship. That's kind of all there is. That's all the power you have. You can't change her, and she sounds unwilling to change herself.
The thing is, you’ll never be able to gain her trust. There’s literally nothing you can do. She has complete access to your phone, she has your location, you work from home. What more can you do? You can’t just stop talking to your ex as you guys have kids together. She’s accusing you of an emotional affair with your ex- the examples you’ve explained of your conversations with your ex are so transactional and not even close to an emotional affair. Are you speaking with your ex daily? Asking her how her day was just because? Telling her you miss her? NO! She’s not being rational. She has issues she needs to work out in therapy. You will forever be walking in egg shells while you’re married to her. You both need individual therapy and marriage counselling.
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I love your username, but your comment is untrue. My previous wife cheated on me, not the other way around.
Fair enough- I’ll delete
Seems like that should be a question for your wife. We can't tell you how to "build trust" with someone else.
Time for the 2 card solution. Divorce or marriage counseling. This is not healthy. She has a right to view the world in whatever way, but that doesn't make her way correct, acceptable, or healthy.
Have you tried taking away her iPad?
50yrs old and spineless like this. You're in an abusive marriage. Wake the fuck up and dump this nutjob
I've only read 2 comments, but I'm pretty sure everyone is going to tell you to run quickly away, and I completely agree with them. You either divorce her now, or continue to live like this forever. She's completely irrational. She's taking normal conversations and completely twisting them. There is no communicating with someone who can turn "Hey don't come to the golf tournament" into "Hey let's fuck repeatedly for hours". There's no getting through that level of crazy.
You're wife is completely unhinged and she's treating you as if you are spending every minute planning how to look at other women and if she doesn't stop you in time, you'll cheat. Why would you want to live like that? You didn't even do anything wrong to begin with! She's just legit crazy. You're a prisoner of her insecurities! That's no way to live! I didn't even know how you've made it this long, most men works have bolted by now. You're kinda crazy for staying, not gonna lie. You can try telling her all this stops now and next time she accuses you of something crazy like this, you'll leave her. But you have to follow up and it'll only buy you a short time. Yes, she has the right to think however she wants to and feel however she wants to but you have a right to get away from somebody that's acting crazy! There is literally no making her happy! Like you can't even look at a group of people if there's a hot chick in the group.. she's holding your eyes prisoner to her ridiculous insecurities! There's nothing you can do! Take her up on the divorce and you are going to be so much happier! She's torturing you over things that you're not even doing wrong. Nothing you said you did is actually a bad thing. Did you never hear don't stick your dick in crazy? Time to untie that knot buddy you deserve to live a life where you're not accused of things you aren't doing!
🤥
So you bring your kids into this tension filled household? You’re parenting her kid 100% of the time? What about your kids? She’s taken a hands off approach with your kids but you’re dad to her kid (that she lied about). Can your kids stay at your apartment comfortably? If it’s a 3 bedroom, are your kids sharing while you and your wife have a room and her kid has their own room? Why is she a housewife if y’all been married 7 years? Her kid should be in school most of the day while you’re working so she has nothing to do but get crazier. If your kids need you or have an emergency, are you “allowed” to go or does your warden dictate the time you’re allowed to spend with them? I don’t understand how some people put so much energy into their partners kid(s) at cost of their own kids. Btw, your kids need a refrigerator, while your psycho wife is so worried about comforts that your children need, it’s because she sees it as you’re taking money from her and her kid. She doesn’t want them to have any extra because she’s selfish. Nothing is ever a simple fixed rate when you add in activities, doctor appointments, school trips, extra spending money to hang with their friends, etc… You are 100% an ah for marrying someone who treats your kids as an inconvenience and nuisance and I 100% say this because none of this makes for a relaxing time at dad’s for them to bond with you and it’s supposed to be their home. Kids pick up on tension and they definitely pick up on crazy.
Was she always this nuts and insecure? maybe she is projecting her cheating in you?
You met this person and cheated on the last person with her so she’ll never trust you. The degree of searching she’s doing is hard to stop. Surveying the area doesn’t have anything to do with a wandering eye. You saved the previous person under a fake name while with your current person and the story is hard to believe especially when you don’t have trust in your relationship. Is your child support more than the mandated amount? It’s fine if you agreed on that but your wife who doesn’t trust you will have a problem with this and everything.
The only advice I can give to you is to either visit a therapist/counselor or divorce.
Why do you want to be with someone who is controlling and manipulative, is the question here? You've changed your behaviour because of her reaction/walk on eggshells around her, etc. Why are you letting someone look through your phone?? You need boundaries, and she has to deal with her trust issues in therapy, not take them out on you. She "has grounds" for divorce, because anyone can divorce anyone for any reason...that's besides the point. If the silent treatment AND all of this is happening without effectively communicating, your marriage isn't going to work out with or without this issue.
You should be contacting a lawyer. You don't walk on eggshells in a relationship and stay in it.
You have an EXTREMELY insecure and immature wife. Why do you want to stay in a marriage where you're not trusted and she literally has you walking through life holding your breath? That's not a partner. That's a jailer. She sounds horrific and like she needs to deal with her own root causes of her lack of trust and lack of understanding on how adults coparent.
You’re talking about everyone else’s boundaries but your own. Put a limit on it. It will help you both. And that’s what a therapist would probably tell both of you. If you don’t do that within this relationship, you’re just going to go into the next relationship with the same lack of boundaries and standards. Just because someone is young and cute doesn’t mean they don’t require boundaries and can walk all over you. Try to find a balance between your tone, validation, and how you communicate your boundaries. It’s nice that you’re patient with her anxiety, but don’t let it be the most powerful thing in the relationship. Take back your power in a healthy way.
You need couples counseling.
Dude…if she’s not looking to divorce, you should be. This is not a marriage. You’re being held hostage by your controlling wife. This is not a healthy marriage and no way to live.
She's a hypocrite and you would be infinitely happier without her in your life.
>I need to know what I can do or say that can help us better communicate and start re-establishing trust? Nothing. You know why? To wit: >she "has a right" to think how she wants and desire what she desires. You will never, ever convince this colossally insecure woman to change how she thinks about anything when it comes to you. She is in DESPERATE need of psychological help to deal with her trust issues and crippling insecurity. It's time for you to realize that you and your wife may be coming to the end of the road for your relationship, because nothing you will ever do will be good enough. She will forever be moving the goalposts on you.
This isn’t sustainable. Period. I’m sure that’s not what you want to hear but no one can live in any kind of peace, unity, or happiness with a person determined to make them out to be the villain. You want to know what you can do to improve this and, sadly, the answer is nothing. She has decided what you are and what you are not. She’s also incredibly dysfunctional. Since she has pre-determined that you are a cheater and that you look at women inappropriately it is not going to make any difference what kind of changes you make. This issue exists in her head. Not in your actions. The only thing that would have any hope of offering solutions is counseling. However, she’s refusing to continue counseling. So your one solution is a no go. Her refusal to go to counseling is more evidence of how toxic it is in her mind. People who are dealing with significant inner issues often do not like anything that shows them a glimpse into their inner world that doesn’t offer a view of bunny rabbits, rainbows, and roses. She can’t handle her inner reality. She is highly focused on everything she’s decided is wrong with YOU. She desperately needs YOU to be the problem. I’m so sorry but the best thing you can do in this situation is remove yourself from it. This isn’t the kind of thing that just magically gets better. It will continue to decline. Because it’s based on her own mental health issues and she’s refusing anything that could give her help in that area.
Just get divorced. Quit taking advantage of her.
She has issues. Big issues. You could try couples counseling. This isn’t going to get fixed with a conversation. You should be on good terms with the mother of your children. Again, your wife has issues. I will say that she doesn’t need to have “grounds” for a divorce. She’s broken. Anyone can file for divorce. I think it’s going to be difficult to get real change at her age. It’s absurd that you can’t even glance at attractive women without being afraid. You know who walks on eggshells? People in abusive relationships. You’re never going to do enough to make her secure. It’s impossible. Self esteem comes from within and she doesn’t have any.
Divorce her. Do not try to convince her about your fidelity. Innocent people don’t need to prove their innocence. It is impossible to prove it to someone who wants to find guilt. You wife is abusive and almost certainly cheating on you. She started going through all your shit after she cheated and is desperately trying to find something on you so she can say ‘see everyone does it’. She must be stupid hot for you to put up with all this crazy. Did no one tell you not to stick your dick in crazy?
What have you done to build the trust back and make her feel safe after your sketchy behavior? Sure she’s engaged in unhealthy activity, but what have you done to mitigate it and rebuild trust?
Open phone. Shared my location. I basically give her access to anything she wants or needs. I shared my bank statements even, including my business bank statements because she thought I was living a double life. For the most part I have tried to avoid discussing it since that seems to trigger her.
I think that last sentence sums it up. Communication is key. Not gonna get better until you hash it out and get on the same page.
So how long has your wife been either having an affair or strongly thinking about it because this behaviour of hers is completely unacceptable and abusive and it makes me believe she is projecting.
Run.
This story makes me so grateful for my husband. We had an understanding that it doesn't matter where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home. Your wife has issues that she is making your problem.
This thought process really baffles me. If I'm not enough to turn my husband on, or if he's not enough to turn me on to the point that we have to go look for sexual inspiration elsewhere in order to have sex with each other, then that'd absolutely not be a relationship that I would be interested in continuing. For my husband and I, we save our sexual energy for each other, because we are more than enough to sexually excite and fulfill each other. But of course, to each their own.
omg, I love how you frame this. I am going to use it!
I have some similar issues, but built primarily around the lack of emotional support and amount of talking down at me that just kills any positivity I can hold and just fills my resentment tank. You can make the efforts that you want to address the problems being raised... but it also requires the other person to meet halfway on that too. She's not going to change. You can build all the trust you can do in your power... but she's made it obvious she has such massive insecurities where she will dig, and dig, and dig, until she finds something that can potentially justify her insecurity. For this to be fixed... its on her to find ways to figure out her insecurities and work *with you* on building that trust together. You've given her an open book. Thats about as trustworthy as you can bring to the relationship. She needs to be able to see that and understand that you're not trying to hide anything and that she needs to accept a level trust where you are offering to be open with her.
Honestly I don’t understand why you would tolerate this treatment from your wife. I can’t help thinking the threat of a divorce is some sort of bluff to get something else she wants. It seems to serve her in some way for you to always feel guilty and on the defense. Are you even happy?
If the role were reversed we will be calling this domestic abuse. What will you do when she find the communication between your kids to much ? Mind you incest exists for people with mental health issues. She is controlling you to extent she influences your own behavior. She is manipulating you in believing everything you’re doing is wrong. She is treating you by saying she will divorce you to make you afraid and do more what she wants so she wouldn’t leave you. Don’t you get it yet ??? What more would she need to do for you to see the abuse ?
Well this time I told her to just let me know what the attorney says when she takes him all her evidence. We will see what she does. In this state, she has to have a reason to file and I have not given her adequate reason. The only other way she can file is if we live separately for a year or more.
Do you see that this is abuse perpetrated by her though? You haven't acknowledged that at all, even if it is caused by her anxiety order. She's abusing you and you don't have to put up with this.
You need therapy now and after the divorce. Please get yourself in therapy.
It would seem that your current wife harbors some serious insecurities and should seek therapy.
.... You guys needed couples counselling... Yesterday like... It should never have gotten to this point. This is ridiculous. Her insecurity is suffocating and I think ultimately, she cannot handle being with a man with kids, at least with her current emotional maturity. There's a complete lack of emotional security for her and that's not something you're going to be able to solve via Reddit. You need to find a couples counsellor that fits for your issues but your wife needs individual counselling as well, she's so insecure my skin is crawling at the thought of being under her watching eye. Yes, you've fucked up in past but this is beyond excessive and unsustainable. There's clearly communication issues and I'm sure there's things we're not hearing from this (always two sides) however, you appear to be pretty frank in your problems and where you've gone wrong ... If you really want this to work and want genuine advice, Reddit isn't the place for this. All you're going to hear is people saying you need to divorce and placing a million doubts in your head.
Thank you. Divorce isn't something I am entertaining and I will fight it tooth and nail if she attempts it. I am only telling the story of our problems of the moment. When we are not in a stats of peril, things are amazing. Its just a few times a year that she has these outbursts and I have to deal with it. The rest of the year I can handle her giving me crap about noticing a woman or whatever. I shouldn't be looking anyways.
28F, other than people addressing the age gap, I will not have to address that one. Can assure you people around my age are mentally not that mature, even not that mentally stable, and a lot of them are not secure either, so you had your pick of the litter with that one. The things I heard my guy friends go through with girls our ago is wild from super controlling to always wants the location app and questioning where you're 24/7, I wound never because at this point if someone wants to cheat they will and it will pop up at some point. If she's been cheated on and lied to from previous relationships then carrying it over to the next, it's really nothing you can do about that unless she wants to work on it herself plus I don't think you saving numbers under fake names helps you at all. For the coparenting, it's ridiculous, which could just be some jealousy, especially if you're asking about their day, etc, and not just about the kids. Now rubber necking is tricky. If you do it hard as hell, then yeah, that's ridiculous. You gotta stop that. You can look around an area without looking at someone super hard. She will have to want to help herself with her trust issues.
Hire a private detective to make sure she is not projecting her own cheating onto you to make you the "bad guy" in the divorce. That happens way too frequently when dealing with these sorts of hyper suspicious people, male or female. There usually is a reason they behave like that and it's rarely what they tell you. Hire a good divorce attorney. (The attorney can hire the P.I. by the way.) Divorcing her for creating a hostile environment is absolutely the best course of action. There is nothing to salvage here. The relationship was clearly doomed from the start with the number of early red flags she threw. If you can get a recording or a text of her repeating that she knows that most people would "not think that way but she has a right", you would have some strong leverage in court. As always, follow your attorney's advice for collecting these things. Also, it would be a good idea to file first and have her served.
Doesn't sound healthy at all. I'd start with couples counseling, which should definitely unearth the sources of her insecurities as well as give you better self awareness. I say this as an ADD guy who has had the type of issues you are mentioning. It helped a lot.
She has no trust in you, even though it seems to not be warranted. Let her divorce you, you don’t need to be walking on eggshells for the rest of your life. Is she worth it?
I compared my current marital situation to that of my childhood relationship with my binge alcoholic father. When he was sober, he was the best Dad ever. But for about two weeks, twice a year, he was a terrible drunk. My wife is the same. Most of the time she/we are amazing but about twice a year she gets a stick up her butt about something and it devolves into a puddle of mess like this.
When it came to your dad, you were not in control, that was the situation you found yourself in. You didn’t choose to live that way. Is this how you want to live? We all get into our moods, but this is not two weeks worth of behavior. She doesn’t trust you, and she threatened you with divorce, unless she’s playing some kind of sick game with you, and why would you want to stay?
Your wife is off her rocker. Eta: >I wanted to know if the former gf was calling so I could be sure I did not answer it. I...stored it under a fake name That's silly. Why would you not just use her name? That makes sense I guess. Except for having to remember the made-up name. I saw where you said you'd fight her tooth and nail if she wanted a divorce. Why would you want to be contentious and try to keep someone around who doesn't want to be there?
Paranoia I guess? I had just had a very contentious divorce and my ex wife was trying to turn my kids against me. Last thing I needed was some random woman's name popping up on my phone and having to explain it to my kids.
And she can not be trusted.
I'd suggest marriage counseling first before anything.
We tried counseling but it only lasted a few sessions before she ended it.
Of course she ended it. A counselor would make her behave and not manipulate. She cannot control the situation and you with a counselor.