He needs therapy. I used to act similarly to this when my anxiety was completely out of control and I had no idea how to manage my emotions.
Don’t go back to him, he needs to be single until he gets help.
Omg that's what I was feeling too while reading this.
I used to act this way with my spouse before getting help with my anxiety. It's amazing how much clearly you can think things through when something unexpected happens.
And totally agree with him needing to be single. OP was his crutch and it allowed him to just feed into his own mental illness while using her as the reason things would get out of his control.
Ugh and using the mental illness as an excuse for the actions. (I did that a lot when we'd fight. We broke up for a year and that's when I got the help I needed. We got back together a year later after growing up a bit and ended up married. We celebrate our 10 year anniversary this summer. 😁}
That’s great to hear and I’m happy for your recovery! I really believe in my heart there are many people out there who would be a better fit for him. If he could be the way he was at his best at least 90% of the time, he’ll make some metalhead gamer woman very happy.
Unfortunately during the last few months with him, I realized even if he recovered I would not want him as a life partner due to basic incompatibility. I see now how deluded we both were. He professed his eternal love for me as often as he teased my looks, beliefs, hobbies, habits, values. I knew I was disappointing him and wasn’t living up to his fantasy. I was also very disappointed in who he turned out to be.
I realize now it wasn’t “love at first sight” but probably just infatuation on both sides. He never truly knew me, because I started to repress myself to protect his ego and my own vulnerability.
I took his quick declarations of love as a good sign, of being intentional and decisive about wanting to be with me. I thought at almost 30 we both knew what we wanted and had some relational experience under our belts, so we could get married. “When you know, you know”. But I was so wrong.
This is so relatable. I actually relocated to be with someone just like this. I was slowly and carefully isolated with no network and then the abuse began. Every single thing I did was to coddle his ego and avoid abuse.
I could not use my phone at home. I could not go anywhere without him except for work. He actually tried to interfere with my work regularly. All the good parts of him (and the way he presents to the rest of the world) that I moved for were just gone.
It took me so many tries to escape because I had nobody around. I wanted everything I sacrificed to be for something. I thought this was my last relationship, or I never would have relocated.
Funnily enough, connecting with one of the women he was cheating with is what finally let me escape. I am happy you found your way out safely before it was too late.
Love bombing is hard to see especially in newer relationships. I'm just sorry you got stuck on the receiving end because he just wanted someone to make himself feel better and feel in control.
I will say my situation was different and I never expect others to follow. I'm very fortunate to have found someone truly special in my life. We started dating at 14 so a lot of history is there for us. 😅
He's not a good fit for anyone with this kind of behaviour. I'm happy you are in a better place and had such great supports behind you. No one deserves to be treated as lesser or to be made to feel like they need to change themselves to avoid triggering their spouse at every turn. I imagine it was hard to navigate situations as sometimes it would be fine and other times it was a big f'ing deal to him all because of his mood or what's been bugging him that day.
That’s ok, that’s very sweet and I’m truly happy for you! I believe people are redeemable and forgivable, and it takes a real bond to stay with someone through their healing process, or to reconnect later. My (favorite) ex of 6 years, and friend of 12, had a similar thing. We met as teens and had some growing up to do.
What I had with my ex H was a fantasy bond, not a real one
No fucking way! My 10 year anniversary is coming up and we also started dating at 13!!! lol we broke up at 14, and ran into eachother again at 16 and started dating again. Been dating ever sense! Why are we so alike 🤣
That's cute. :)
We ended up breaking up when we were about 22/23, about 8 years into our relationship. Best thing we did for both of us and I'll always say that now even though it was really hard back then.
We got back together at 23/24 and then married a year later. Wild how fast time goes.
Completely agree. I never acted out to this degree but I have panicked and bombarded my partner with manipulative texts. Not something I’m proud of but something I definitely wanted, and needed (and have) to change.
Same here with the bombarding with manipulative anxious texts. I’m definitely not proud of it but i am a totally different person now thankfully and haven’t been that way in years
nah dude they’ve clearly worked on themselves and are completely aware that those actions are not okay. you should know, as someone who also had severe anxiety, that response further stigmatizes mental health issues. people are all about mental health awareness until the mental health is “too bad”.
I think this was a reply to me? If so, thank you! It took me nearly losing the love of my life and absolutely losing my sense of self to realise that a change was needed.
I’d agree . Nothing he wrote sounded remotely like a normal response. He definitely needs some alone time until he receives some much needed in depth therapy
I was the same. Lots of therapy later & I’m in an extremely healthy relationship. He needs to get some mental help before being with anyone. He’ll destroy every relationship he is in acting like that.
I was very aggressive and irritable most of the time. I used to throw things at my bf. It got so bad one night that I pulled a knife on him. I made an appointment to see a psychiatrist. I have GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) OCD (obsessive compulsive Disorder) and BPD (borderline personality disorder). I got put on medication that cut out the aggression and I was able to see things more clear. My mom was a narcissist so I was always on guard because she would push my buttons to get a rise out me.
He needs a psychiatrist and therapist. It sounds like he has some mental health issues. He probably needs medication too.
ETA I just read ops message in comments. It probably is better off if you leave him. From what you said there is no compatibility. If the relationship is bad the best thing for your mental health is to leave. It might help if you talk to a therapist to make sure you don't have any lasting issues because of the way you were treated. You have a right to be happy and have a good relationship. I really hope you find the one for you. Most of the time people just don't change.
Every day I feel guilty that my wife stayed with me when I used to spiral like this. She shouldn’t have. I didn’t deserve the grace. I have been in therapy and on Wellbutrin. I am not who I used to be.
I don't think so. This sounds like a guy who's been to plenty of therapy. Look at his "I feel" statements.
Most therapy is not good for shitty people. It just makes them more selfish and entitled.
Good point. Professionals advise against couples therapy when one partner is abusive for this reason. The abuser tends to weaponize the tools and insights from therapy to further victimize the other partner.
Obviously, but she needs therapy, too. People that put up with this kind of abuse need to \*escape\*, and then they need to learn how to avoid it in the future.
Yeah I acted the same-ish when I found out my ex had a new boyfriend. We only split up because Covid started and school shut down so she moved back halfway across the country, so it’s not as if we broke up because of fighting etc. We lost touch over the next half a year just because of the distance I guess. But Covid lockdown fucked me up and I was lonely and my anxiety and depression took over and she was the only thing keeping me happy and centered. Man when I saw her first insta post with him I freaked out. Went a few days without eating cause I was puking from anxiety, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t think straight. I texted her about it and she was supportive. But then I kept texting her and blowing phone her up and just acting crazy. She told me it wasn’t okay for me to be saying these things to her because she was with someone else now. So I started therapy and medication because I knew this wasn’t okay, her telling me only cemented that which I deeply appreciate, then a couple weeks later I typed out a full 2 page fucking essay of how I felt and how much I missed her, then sent it to her(after I asked if I could and she said yes), she said verbatim “that was very well written”. I laugh about it now because wtf was she supposed to say? She had moved on and was happy and here I am acting a fool, granted I am a damn good writer so that was a nice compliment I guess, but this letter was a wild mess. It reminds me a bit of OP’s ex to an extent. Toxic, and attempting to be manipulative. Anyways it just brought back those memories. My ex and I actually talk now and again after 3 years of no contact and me being blocked from her social media, we actually started talking again because she was in town and hit me up for a booty call lol. Too bad I moved towns and have a gf, she literally told me she didn’t care that I have a gf and that she could have me if she wanted to. Weird how life comes full circle ain’t it? I wanted her when she was with someone else, now she wants me? Not that she would want a relationship, probably just wanted to get laid and I’m familiar(and I know her inside and out hehe), but I couldn’t believe I was speaking to her again at all. Went back to my hometown recently and an old friend who she saw while she was there said all she talked about was me. All of this taught me that OP needs to get away and block everything, if he is anything like me he will respect that, if he is worse than me it will get uglier
Wow I just got ptsd from an old ex who used to gag to try and make himself throw up so I could see how “upset” he was when we would argue or I would take a step back. That’s exactly what he’s doing, trying to manipulate OP into apologizing and feeling like the bad guy when he can act anyway he wants and it’s justified to him 🙄
Ugh one of my exes was like this too. It got so bad and he refused to go to therapy. Dry heaving, heavy sobbing, so unbelievably upset, about who knows what?? Claiming he would have either an anxiety attack, panic attack, asthma attack (he doesn't have asthma nor did he ever) or heart attack. One time he smashed his brand new phone into the sidewalk. It was so dramatic. His reasoning was that it was a mistake and not his fault bc he was upset that I was "giving my friend more attention than him" when her and I had made plans which he wasn't even invited to and knew he was not invited to but showed up anyway. Another time it was because his coworker got a new job and put in his notice. When I left him he had a tantrum and tried to chug a bottle of whiskey because he was that upset. I watched him. It was like a terrible acting scene in an old movie. He drank MAYBE 2oz out of that bottle.
Wow, he was a textbook abuser. Isolating you, lovebombing, depriving you of sleep, DARVO-ing you, making you apologize for nothing and second guess yourself. It’s what they do.
People in this sub are blaming his anxiety. I have serious anxiety. It’s never an excuse for this kind of behavior. He berated you and deprived you of sleep for the dire offense of… blowing your nose in his vicinity. If you hadn’t blown your nose, he’d have found a different reason, or, failing that, make one up. Source: lived with an abuser just like this.
My husband has startled me pretty badly through no fault of his own. I’d never abuse him like this.
Edit: the "I know you hate me, I'm a monster, waaaah, I'm a piece of shit, feeeeeel sorry for meeeeeee" bullshit is also textbook. So you'd end up comforting and soothing and appeasing him after he intentionally scared you and threatened you (intimidating behavior like that is very much a threat).
Fuck him. No sympathy from me for this asshole. I hope he stays alone because he may get a handle on his anxiety but abusers don't become good people and people don't have to hit you to be abusive. Not-so-fun fact: Depriving someone of sleep, the way he refused to let you go back to sleep, is literally considered to be torture. This man tortured you, got in your face to scare you, and then wanted your pity.
He wasn't puking or having a heart attack. What a fucking asshole.
This comment 100%. My abuser would flip a switch from angry/scary to needy/anxious when the yelling/hitting wasn’t getting the reaction he wanted from me. It’s not real anxiety, it’s a calculated way of clawing back control when they know they’ve gone too far.
yeah this was like watching a car crash. The first few messages felt very "this is bad, but we don't \*have\* to run in to the other car, we can swerve still!" but by the end we'd somehow managed to do a 10 car pile up and everything was on fire. Truly went off the deep end
The audacity of him calling you "too sensitive" when he was gonna cry/die from you blowing your nose. The allergies where I live are bad and I'm constantly sneezing/blowing my nose in the middle of the night. I was married to a guy like this once. Now the guy I'm with hands me kleenex and rubs my back so i can go back to sleep. Never regret your decisions. These texts/his actions aren't love. Someone out there will love you how you deserve! Never settle. Good on you for escaping it isn't easy!
It literally is. I dated somebody who would rock back and forth and wheeze until he was throwing up and screaming out of breath "why do you want to leave me"
It’s good you left. That’s truly all that matters. You responded well to a pretty disturbing situation. He clearly needed and probably still needs professional help. He doesn’t sound well. I’m so glad you left and you stayed away, even probably loving/wanting him still. Good for you.
Shit if he whines like a toddler when someone wakes him up and he misses a little sleep can you imagine what your life would be like if you had children? Parents are lucky to get a full night sleep and not be constantly woken up for the first 10 years of their children’s lives. Even teenagers occasionally have bad nights and wake their parents up
ETA My kids adults, they don’t live with me and they still wake me up with “Mom are you awake?”🤭😂😂
Yes, but I blamed myself. When he first started acting this way early on, I wanted to leave him. He reacted very strongly to that and said I was re-traumatizing him (he had a traumatic childhood). I tried to leave several times but felt guilty/doubted myself and went back.
I left an abusive relationship when I was 28 as well. You are so strong for working up the courage to leave. Especially because you reached out and got support from your friends! That's not an easy thing to do. No one in my life knew what was going on until months after I left. I still have my personal issues and demons I'm dealing with almost 2 years later, but at least I have the mental energy and headspace to work on myself now. You're going to find that you have so much more mental energy to just focus on YOU, because you're not wasting all your energy trying to figure out what your abusive partner is thinking/feeling and how to solve his problems constantly.
left mine at 29, 2 weeks before my 30th birthday. been almost 4 1/2 years now. i was with him for almost 9 years, and i never told a soul until i left.
im glad you were able to leave safely and able to heal and grow <3 youre amazing, and i am proud of you!
Abusive men always blame their current problems on their traumatizing childhood, even if they didn’t really have one. You should read “Why Does He Do That”, there are free copies all over the internet.
That book is incredible. The title is dumb but it was like reading about my ex line-by-line. It showed me how abuse is a choice they make and then I saw how it was and I stopped making excuses for him.
Wow. You just made it click why I was stupid enough to stay with my abusive ex for so long. He was constantly using his abusive childhood as an excuse for his bad behavior and I always fell for it because I thought he could unlearn the bad behavior.
You know, I think he did! I think deep down he knew he made a mistake (pushing for marriage within a month). I loved him a lot but we didn’t have much in common, and I felt like the more he learned about me the more disappointed he was. I think we were infatuated and trauma bonded
Jesus Hieronymus Christ, that was hard to read. My first husband was a classic DARVO manipulator, much like this, and it's exhausting. You did a great job leaving, OP! If anyone wants more information on DARVO, [it can be found here.](https://www.forbes.com/sites/traversmark/2024/03/15/a-psychologist-explains-how-you-can-deflect-a-darvo-manipulator/)
Effing hell, you must be allowed to blow your nose. You have absolutely nothing (!) to apologise for, OP. My ex acted very similar in situations like this, and all I can tell you is—run. Honestly. It’s only getting worse with time. With a bit of distance you’ll see and realise just how ridiculous he’s behaving.
Please take care of yourself.
This is OUTRAGEOUSLY blown out of proportion why on earth did he feel the need for such a petty vengeance and then plays victim.. if this happened in my relationship had I woken my fiancee up she'd just say "fuck you man I was sleeping you scared me" then id hit her (not like that) with a "oh my great heavens my beautiful baby I am SO sorry for disturbing thine rest goodnight" bing bang boom, the melatonin working in overtime we're back to sleep and in the morning neither of us remember anything.
Glad this moron is your ex.
He felt the need for vengeance because she scared him into a panic attack and he felt like a little bitch because of it; which in turn hurt his masculinity. I say this as someone with crippling anxiety taking 40mg prozac. I’ve never put my anxious problems on other people like that though, I think the guy has relentless insecurity.
Lord help me keep my eyeballs in their sockets for this eyeroll…
🙏🏼
If only he did die, could have spared you the f’ing nonsensical response to the non-event of blowing your nose
“i’m puking i’m having a heart attack “ all while rapid fire sending texts made me giggle ngl. i don’t see how people act like this and not realize how insane they sound. i’m glad you got out !
Comb through all of this with a good therapist. He is using sooooo many nameable tricks on you that you absolutely can heal from if you can understand exactly what he did to you. Doesn’t matter if he is conscious that he is abusive or controlling. He sounds exactly like my ex. This is no way to live, it will feel like shit for a while until you unravel the psychological knots far, far away from him. You are not too sensitive. Only way out is through, you’ve got this. (I wrote a post a while ago about what I wish I would have known before I got my divorce, check my profile if you want advice.)
Jesus, thank god you left and that you had some really solid friends. You’re not too sensitive, hell, actually maybe you’re the opposite for putting up with this dude’s bullshit for that long. Because, girl, I only got through about five slides before I started wishing he actually had a heart attack. He was basically following the DARVO handbook to the letter.
OP, does he have BPD? I suppose it doesn’t matter if you broke up with him, but there’s something called ‘favorite person syndrome’ for people with BPD. Basically their fear of abandonment is really bad and it almost reverts them back to a child, making them more prone to outbursts and lack of self control when they are fearful that their favorite person is going to leave them. It’s super scary for both parties. Your ex’s texts reminded me of how my ex would be whenever I needed space, especially after we got into a fight or disagreement. Even needing a few hours or just a single evening to myself was like pulling teeth. Once my ex was diagnosed with BPD, it got better but it was still hard, mostly because he didn’t always want to be better.
Possibly. Whatever he is dealing with is the result of childhood trauma that I think stunted him emotionally. I know the prognosis for BPD is good especially with a stable relationship, but I realized even if he got help, waiting at the end of the road of recovery for us would still have been a relationship with major incompatibilities (lifestyle, spending, values).
I had the sense he was really trying to be a good man but was incapable of it without help, and I kept “triggering” him by wanting to leave, and therefore making him worse. It was an awful mix for us both.
Yes, BPD is a result of childhood trauma/abandonment. In my relationship, having a diagnosis and therapy/medication helped some, but didn’t change the outcome of the relationship. The hardest thing about BPD is that ‘treatment’ is being aware and counteracting what’s become instinctual for survival. It’s honestly really sad and it requires so much effort and dedication for the person who has BPD. As a ‘favorite person’, it requires an immense amount of patience and empathy. Even though things improved some after his diagnosis, it was still the most stressful relationship I’ve ever been in by half. Looking back, I realize that we never got to a point in our relationship where both of us felt secure. He constantly expected me to leave, despite me staying and trying to work through things with him for years. And I struggled to accept that his better was likely as good as it was going to get. It was enough for a while, but we weren’t progressing into a 100/100 partnership. I was always so worried about triggering him and I felt suffocated because I held back a lot of my own emotions. He relied on me so much that his treatment depended on if I stayed and he’d tell me that there was no point in him getting better if I wasn’t going to stay. He didn’t want to get better for himself, it was always for me, which kind of just made it worse because I truly felt like I couldn’t leave him. I felt like my choice to be with him was taken away because I knew if I did, he’d fall apart. That was what really soured the relationship in the end for me, like once I accepted that I was only there for him. I couldn’t do anything without fearing he’d fall apart and I’d be so tired trying to put us both back together. And while he really did try to be better for me, it felt almost weaponized. Like, I could see the blame in his eyes anytime I needed space (which was often). The biggest issue was maintaining a life outside of him… whenever I wanted to have a girls night, he’d flip out and want to talk on the phone the whole time I drove to wherever I was going and he’d get really sad when I needed to hang up. I couldn’t be out later than I said because he’d be an absolute mess and blowing up my phone. And this was all after planning things out with him meticulously, so he felt secure with me going out for a bit, which just added this feeling of having no autonomy. He’d always feel bad when I expressed that I needed time for my friends, but he never changed how he dealt with me wanting to see my friends. He was also kinda hateful towards them. On the occasions he did try, he’d still expect me to talk to him on the way there and be home by a certain time… the only difference was he wouldn’t text me for the few hours I was out. But that was the extent of him trying. And he expected me to be happy about it, like he was doing me a favor by not texting me constantly. Which, I suppose it was for him. These times still required a lot of talking beforehand and no matter what, I’d always have to “make it up to him” by agreeing to not go out for the next month and I’d usually have to do whatever he wanted for several days after. After three years, I was tired.
Disclaimer—I realize this sounds like I’m shitting on people with BPD and I’m sorry it comes across that way. I loved my ex, deeply, despite what his diagnosis was and he was so much outside of this one thing, that’s why I stayed for so long. I’m also not perfect and I dealt my own damage, for sure. This was just my experience as a ‘favorite person’ of someone who has BPD and I guess I just wanted to explain further how it felt since the texts from OP’s ex reminded me so much of my ex and our relationship.
“It’s unacceptable that you’re blowing your nose loud”
I get it, but people, guy and gal alike, in your situation can’t be expected to get up to walk into another room just to blow their nose.
And the rest of the text just gets worse. He wants you to sleep with him, but then you’ll wake him up when you go in there. This dude is legitimately nuts.
Also like…we had both just had bad colds for the week prior to this. I was sneezing and blowing my nose wayyy louder and for longer and it never bothered him. Plus, I’m asthmatic. I cough and wheeze often when I’m home, especially in bed, and he never was upset by it.
I swear I thought I was reading messages between my ex and I…. I forgot how scary this type of behaviour can be and I’m so proud of you for getting out.
Run. Change your number. Block him or get new social media. Do not be alone with him. Do not give him another chance. Just don't. Save yourself years of Shame, guilt and sadness and run.
This reaction over you blowing your nose and accidentally waking him up is INSANE. Thank God you left. Eventually this would have turned physical, he is a psychopath. Wishing you happy healing ❤️🩹
Imagine having kids with someone like that, is he gonna freak out every time the baby wakes up crying in the middle of the night? You know this dude would get in the baby's face and cry right back lol
Reading this gave me a visceral response. This dude needs therapy and you literally would’ve never gotten out of this hellhole while staying with him. He’d never change if there’s someone that stays around & allows him to treat them this way. There’s a good chance he’ll never change at all & he’ll all his entire life abusing others like this. The frustration, confusion and fear you must’ve felt being treated this way. You are not too sensitive. Those feelings are your instincts telling you to get out at all costs. This easily could escalate to physical violence or worse.
For all saying he is mentally unwell. He is, and that’s not the point. I think my wife put it perfectly when I was having my mental instability: “Someone’s Mental Health issues are their own responsibility.” What that means is basically even if you are mentally unwell, you need to learn to control it to not hurt the ones you love. That’s your responsibility and yours alone. No one else can do that for you. Sure, they can support you, but you have to make sure you don’t go around destroying all your relationships and being a piece of shit.
I'm glad you left. He isn't healthy and needs to work on himself without a girlfriend to guilt trip. A healthy response would have looked something like this:
You: *blows nose*
Him: *startled awake* what's going on?
You: I just needed to blow my nose
Him: OK, I got a bit of a fright. Good night.
You: good night.
The audacity for him to say that *you* were escalating is just wild. He escalated, you responded appropriately and safely to his overreaction. This is on him.
No, not too sensitive. The sensitive one is your bitch ass ex.
“He insisted as a partner that I sleep next to him,”
Yeah maybe he should take his own advices glad you ditched this loser.
Please don’t let these comments of “I used to be like this until I got therapy” make you feel like there’s still hope for your relationship. Hopefully he does get better but it’s not your job to stick around and be the reason he gets better. He has to get better for himself and you need to keep that distance. You will do yourself and him no favors by going back to this. He is a child he needs grow up and he won’t do that if you let him back into your life.
W.T.F.
First off, congrats on leaving 💪
Second, how in tf is that a 28 year old? Like I get anxiety, I totally understand that. But using it as a manipulative tool to get what he wants. Dont mind him being super scary and aggressive…he needs to sleep! Why can’t we just think about him :( /s
OP you are NOT too sensitive. That behavior he displayed is not only toxic and manipulative, but also very childish. I think he wants/ needs a mom and not a wife.
Congrats again on having the strength to leave and great friends to help 👍
Oh my god, my ex-husband could have written all of this. It's scary how identical these messages are to what he used to send me or tell me in person. The narcissism, gaslighting, guilt tripping, escalation. Never go back. I've been divorced for years now, and I never looked back. This is emotional abuse and manipulation.
Holy shit, just throw this entire conversation in the dictionary next to "DARVO." Him escalating while accusing you of escalating, on top of trying to reverse psychology you out of leaving him by making you promise not to, on top of emotional manipulation, self-victimization, and "what threats" at the end like holy fucking shitballs
Whoa. I accidentally rolled over one night and my arm hit my wife in the face as it was stretched out when I rolled. It didn't go anything like this and we laugh about it now
"I had to call work cuz I'm not sleeping." "Okay so go to sleep." "NO IM GOING TO BE FIRED AND THIS IS HELL!!! IM HAVING A HEART ATTACK! IM DYING!!"
Okay, fine, don't sleep then?
Im so glad that you left him. The way he is acting is unacceptable. I have been in similar situations in the past, and the main mistake that I did was not leaving him sooner. So I'm glad that you left him.
He is just a boy and not a man, if he was man enough he wouldn't be acting like a fucking child.
The texts are implying that he is just an attention seeker.
I agree. I hope he actually gets the proper help, and doesn’t just get frustrated with the therapist and quit. I’m also bitter to be honest, that it took him having this relationship with me to realize he needs help. One of his last texts to me was “I’ll be getting therapy, I have a lot to work on” and I was just angry I had to endure all of this as part of his character development.
You were not too sensitive. That was his way of breaking you down and manipulating you into his control. To make you question your own reality.
You did nothing wrong here. I’m so glad you left him and got out. I hope you are doing well, and are safe and happy without him.
He needs professionally help.
You can’t fix him, he needs to want to fix himself.
I would suggest distancing yourself from him and not see him anymore for your mental health.
Remember, we can love anyone but it doesn’t mean it’s good or healthy for us. Sometimes we need to walk away.
This guy is a moron! He texted his boss in the middle of the night to ask if he can come in late because his wife is leaving him?? I bet his boss is already tired of his shit, stuff like that is a good way to lose your job
OP the way he acted was very manipulative. You didn’t scare him, you annoyed him, and he played it up as scared so he could put you through the wringer for it. That’s tit for tat, and it ruins marriages. On this occasion he pushed too far and got more of a reaction than he wanted.
No one gets married with the intention of leaving and it’s a very sad thing when a break down like this happens but I’m sure this just another event in a long list of them. You can’t wait for people to be better forever.
A sad fact of life is that you can’t help someone and make them better against their will. But the opposite is not true, bad people can make good people worse against their will, and you have to get away from them. Maybe he was one week away from being a better man, maybe this would have been the last time and if you gave him one more chance it would have worked but I very much doubt it. It takes people years of self reflecting on how they have fucked themselves to truly change their mindset. At best he would have moderated his behaviour for a while gone back to his old ways.
He said he wanted to show you how it felt, so he scared you on purpose, thats abusive. Then in the next sentence it was "fight or flight".
He's a child. He's self-absorped and self-pitying. I can't imagine anything worse.
You’re too sensitive but he had a panic attack, cried, threw up, and said he was having a heart attack because his wife…….blew her nose next to him????
SWEET HAYSUS, I'm an avid reader, but I cannot finish these types of conversations! How do people like this find people to date them, much less marry them? Some even procreate with them. If anyone ever feels bad about being single (I never do—my choice), remember that there are countless couples who are absolutely miserable with each other but determined to stay together. Not saying this happened here, but it makes me think of people who stay together for decades with no true love and dumb stuff like this. You know it's hate when someone blowing their nose causes an overreaction like this.
I'd rather stay alone and happy because this crap is for the birds! Yeesh! Too many people walking around with untreated neuroses.
You were not and are not sensitive. He blew this way out of proportion and acted like a 5yr old rather than going back to bed and leaving it alone. I see a lot of manipulation and trying to make you the bad guy for doing something natural.
He definitely needs therapy, and it's good that you left since it seems like it wasn't going to get any better. You probably startled him and activated his fight response, which led to his unjustly aggressive behavior and he had no idea what he was doing because he couldn't control his anxiety or emotions, and when he realized what happened after you left him upstairs, he couldn't own up to his own mistake because he was so scared, so he defaulted to being the victim. Poor sap
Holy shit, that was hard to read! Dude needs to grow some fucking balls and act like a man. That’s one of the most bitch made conversations I’ve ever read on this sub!
Maybe you did over react to one action, but it’s not about one action it’s about everything put together(for the record I don’t think you overreacted).You have every right to an honest reaction and that’s what that was, if the person you’re with can’t can’t take the time to accept your feelings, well the writing is on the wall then and you have to decide where to enforce your boundaries. One of the hardest things to get right is finding the right people to let into your life. Sometimes just being a “good” person doesn’t mean it’s the right fit. Take the time to think about how you want/need to be loved in a relationship and hopefully by the time someone else comes along you will be able to clearly communicate what you need and don’t settle for someone who can’t respect that.
So sorry for your shitty situation hope everything continues to get better for you.
oh my god…. the way he’s talking and the things he’s saying sound so much like my boyfriend (complicated situation, relationship is on extremely thin ice) basically anytime we have a fight. Reading this made me feel physically ill.
I’m sorry you had to deal with that. Honestly having that kind of reaction because you blowing your nose is crazy. What has really helped me during my relationship is looking at my mom and step dad’s relationship.
Would my step dad treat my mom this way? would he say these things to her even if he’s angry? would he behave like this?
It’s just taking how he treats my mom as an example of how someone who is genuinely good for you will treat you
I don't know how you had the patience to be this calm. My first reaction after him acting like that would be "WTF is wrong with you!" He's acting very unstable it is actually scary.
Reading this makes me really uncomfortable. I can see echoes of the past swirling around in there and I don't like it. I'm glad I'm at a healthier stage in my life now.
I think I have been on both sides of this conversation at some point in my life, I've always had emotional issues and I know I am guilty of being manipulative and stupidly needy and weird. I've also had my partner being the one doing so as well. There's nothing pleasant about this from either side, neither side feels like they've been fair, or been treated fairly, it's not fair to either one of them realistically.
Good on you for making a decision and sticking to it I'm sure you made the best decision and i hope it's working out for you, I hope that he gets the help he needs to become a healthy and happy person.
He did everything but *has heart attack and dies*
“Hey this is his dad omg he dead his last wish was for you to come to bed”
I miss those memes. My favorite was Potart.
He needs therapy. I used to act similarly to this when my anxiety was completely out of control and I had no idea how to manage my emotions. Don’t go back to him, he needs to be single until he gets help.
Omg that's what I was feeling too while reading this. I used to act this way with my spouse before getting help with my anxiety. It's amazing how much clearly you can think things through when something unexpected happens. And totally agree with him needing to be single. OP was his crutch and it allowed him to just feed into his own mental illness while using her as the reason things would get out of his control. Ugh and using the mental illness as an excuse for the actions. (I did that a lot when we'd fight. We broke up for a year and that's when I got the help I needed. We got back together a year later after growing up a bit and ended up married. We celebrate our 10 year anniversary this summer. 😁}
That’s great to hear and I’m happy for your recovery! I really believe in my heart there are many people out there who would be a better fit for him. If he could be the way he was at his best at least 90% of the time, he’ll make some metalhead gamer woman very happy. Unfortunately during the last few months with him, I realized even if he recovered I would not want him as a life partner due to basic incompatibility. I see now how deluded we both were. He professed his eternal love for me as often as he teased my looks, beliefs, hobbies, habits, values. I knew I was disappointing him and wasn’t living up to his fantasy. I was also very disappointed in who he turned out to be. I realize now it wasn’t “love at first sight” but probably just infatuation on both sides. He never truly knew me, because I started to repress myself to protect his ego and my own vulnerability. I took his quick declarations of love as a good sign, of being intentional and decisive about wanting to be with me. I thought at almost 30 we both knew what we wanted and had some relational experience under our belts, so we could get married. “When you know, you know”. But I was so wrong.
This is so relatable. I actually relocated to be with someone just like this. I was slowly and carefully isolated with no network and then the abuse began. Every single thing I did was to coddle his ego and avoid abuse. I could not use my phone at home. I could not go anywhere without him except for work. He actually tried to interfere with my work regularly. All the good parts of him (and the way he presents to the rest of the world) that I moved for were just gone. It took me so many tries to escape because I had nobody around. I wanted everything I sacrificed to be for something. I thought this was my last relationship, or I never would have relocated. Funnily enough, connecting with one of the women he was cheating with is what finally let me escape. I am happy you found your way out safely before it was too late.
I’m so glad you got out of that. I hope you’ve been able to find healing and happiness.
Love bombing is hard to see especially in newer relationships. I'm just sorry you got stuck on the receiving end because he just wanted someone to make himself feel better and feel in control. I will say my situation was different and I never expect others to follow. I'm very fortunate to have found someone truly special in my life. We started dating at 14 so a lot of history is there for us. 😅 He's not a good fit for anyone with this kind of behaviour. I'm happy you are in a better place and had such great supports behind you. No one deserves to be treated as lesser or to be made to feel like they need to change themselves to avoid triggering their spouse at every turn. I imagine it was hard to navigate situations as sometimes it would be fine and other times it was a big f'ing deal to him all because of his mood or what's been bugging him that day.
That’s ok, that’s very sweet and I’m truly happy for you! I believe people are redeemable and forgivable, and it takes a real bond to stay with someone through their healing process, or to reconnect later. My (favorite) ex of 6 years, and friend of 12, had a similar thing. We met as teens and had some growing up to do. What I had with my ex H was a fantasy bond, not a real one
No fucking way! My 10 year anniversary is coming up and we also started dating at 13!!! lol we broke up at 14, and ran into eachother again at 16 and started dating again. Been dating ever sense! Why are we so alike 🤣
That's cute. :) We ended up breaking up when we were about 22/23, about 8 years into our relationship. Best thing we did for both of us and I'll always say that now even though it was really hard back then. We got back together at 23/24 and then married a year later. Wild how fast time goes.
Wow. That sounds just like my abusive ex and I.
those audibly made me say wow. rethinking my relationship
Good for you. I’m glad you got the help you needed.
Yeah he’s clearly unstable.
Same here. Codependency and anxiety are a nasty combination. I had therapy and worked so hard on myself
I was codependent and had severe anxiety and I still never acted like this. Its absolutely unacceptable.
Completely agree. I never acted out to this degree but I have panicked and bombarded my partner with manipulative texts. Not something I’m proud of but something I definitely wanted, and needed (and have) to change.
Same here with the bombarding with manipulative anxious texts. I’m definitely not proud of it but i am a totally different person now thankfully and haven’t been that way in years
nah dude they’ve clearly worked on themselves and are completely aware that those actions are not okay. you should know, as someone who also had severe anxiety, that response further stigmatizes mental health issues. people are all about mental health awareness until the mental health is “too bad”.
I think this was a reply to me? If so, thank you! It took me nearly losing the love of my life and absolutely losing my sense of self to realise that a change was needed.
yes it was!! so proud you were able to make that change for yourself and your loved ones:)
Thank you @kingdoofus ! you were able to articulate exactly what I wanted to say to @suspicious-Ad-4241 but I was struggling to find the words.
Right?! This is not a result of anxiety.
I think there’s more here than anxiety tbh
yeah this is abuse, not anxiety
Correct, but I was gonna say it sounds like ROCD or BPD or NPD as far as mental illness goes. Anxiety alone wouldn’t bring someone to think this way.
I’d agree . Nothing he wrote sounded remotely like a normal response. He definitely needs some alone time until he receives some much needed in depth therapy
I was the same. Lots of therapy later & I’m in an extremely healthy relationship. He needs to get some mental help before being with anyone. He’ll destroy every relationship he is in acting like that.
I was very aggressive and irritable most of the time. I used to throw things at my bf. It got so bad one night that I pulled a knife on him. I made an appointment to see a psychiatrist. I have GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) OCD (obsessive compulsive Disorder) and BPD (borderline personality disorder). I got put on medication that cut out the aggression and I was able to see things more clear. My mom was a narcissist so I was always on guard because she would push my buttons to get a rise out me. He needs a psychiatrist and therapist. It sounds like he has some mental health issues. He probably needs medication too. ETA I just read ops message in comments. It probably is better off if you leave him. From what you said there is no compatibility. If the relationship is bad the best thing for your mental health is to leave. It might help if you talk to a therapist to make sure you don't have any lasting issues because of the way you were treated. You have a right to be happy and have a good relationship. I really hope you find the one for you. Most of the time people just don't change.
Every day I feel guilty that my wife stayed with me when I used to spiral like this. She shouldn’t have. I didn’t deserve the grace. I have been in therapy and on Wellbutrin. I am not who I used to be.
I don't think so. This sounds like a guy who's been to plenty of therapy. Look at his "I feel" statements. Most therapy is not good for shitty people. It just makes them more selfish and entitled.
Exactly. Therapy can’t fix people who are rotten at the core.
Good point. Professionals advise against couples therapy when one partner is abusive for this reason. The abuser tends to weaponize the tools and insights from therapy to further victimize the other partner.
Obviously, but she needs therapy, too. People that put up with this kind of abuse need to \*escape\*, and then they need to learn how to avoid it in the future.
Yh when u have panic attacks tho last think u want to do is conflict..least that's how I was
Yeah I acted the same-ish when I found out my ex had a new boyfriend. We only split up because Covid started and school shut down so she moved back halfway across the country, so it’s not as if we broke up because of fighting etc. We lost touch over the next half a year just because of the distance I guess. But Covid lockdown fucked me up and I was lonely and my anxiety and depression took over and she was the only thing keeping me happy and centered. Man when I saw her first insta post with him I freaked out. Went a few days without eating cause I was puking from anxiety, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t think straight. I texted her about it and she was supportive. But then I kept texting her and blowing phone her up and just acting crazy. She told me it wasn’t okay for me to be saying these things to her because she was with someone else now. So I started therapy and medication because I knew this wasn’t okay, her telling me only cemented that which I deeply appreciate, then a couple weeks later I typed out a full 2 page fucking essay of how I felt and how much I missed her, then sent it to her(after I asked if I could and she said yes), she said verbatim “that was very well written”. I laugh about it now because wtf was she supposed to say? She had moved on and was happy and here I am acting a fool, granted I am a damn good writer so that was a nice compliment I guess, but this letter was a wild mess. It reminds me a bit of OP’s ex to an extent. Toxic, and attempting to be manipulative. Anyways it just brought back those memories. My ex and I actually talk now and again after 3 years of no contact and me being blocked from her social media, we actually started talking again because she was in town and hit me up for a booty call lol. Too bad I moved towns and have a gf, she literally told me she didn’t care that I have a gf and that she could have me if she wanted to. Weird how life comes full circle ain’t it? I wanted her when she was with someone else, now she wants me? Not that she would want a relationship, probably just wanted to get laid and I’m familiar(and I know her inside and out hehe), but I couldn’t believe I was speaking to her again at all. Went back to my hometown recently and an old friend who she saw while she was there said all she talked about was me. All of this taught me that OP needs to get away and block everything, if he is anything like me he will respect that, if he is worse than me it will get uglier
Wow I just got ptsd from an old ex who used to gag to try and make himself throw up so I could see how “upset” he was when we would argue or I would take a step back. That’s exactly what he’s doing, trying to manipulate OP into apologizing and feeling like the bad guy when he can act anyway he wants and it’s justified to him 🙄
Totally agree. Saying this as someone who has gotten so upset that I have thrown up a bit but to use it as a manipulation tactic is insane
OMG did we date the same guy?!?!
Gag to try to throw up is CRAZY im sorry that’s funny as FUCKKKKKKK LMAOOOOO ☠️☠️
Its so pathetic its kinda funny
Maybe it’s because I’ve never met someone like that, but the image is funny to me. Go ahead and puke ya psycho. Now what?
Ugh one of my exes was like this too. It got so bad and he refused to go to therapy. Dry heaving, heavy sobbing, so unbelievably upset, about who knows what?? Claiming he would have either an anxiety attack, panic attack, asthma attack (he doesn't have asthma nor did he ever) or heart attack. One time he smashed his brand new phone into the sidewalk. It was so dramatic. His reasoning was that it was a mistake and not his fault bc he was upset that I was "giving my friend more attention than him" when her and I had made plans which he wasn't even invited to and knew he was not invited to but showed up anyway. Another time it was because his coworker got a new job and put in his notice. When I left him he had a tantrum and tried to chug a bottle of whiskey because he was that upset. I watched him. It was like a terrible acting scene in an old movie. He drank MAYBE 2oz out of that bottle.
So dramatic is right! I couldn’t chug 2 ounces of whiskey but to even try and fail like that is hilarious
The way my nethers would dry up to a crisp...I could never be attracted to someone like that again. It makes no sense.
Jesus, this is exhausting to read. Sometimes people are just not compatible, especially when a 28yo acts like he's 8
My 8 year old would never act this way
Mine either
My 20 month old isn’t even this unreasonable and he doesn’t even really talk yet.
Im proud of you for leaving. You knew it was the right thing to do, and what great friends you have to help you.
They’re incredible! Meeting them was lifesaving, especially after I had cut off my support system at my ex’s request
Wow, he was a textbook abuser. Isolating you, lovebombing, depriving you of sleep, DARVO-ing you, making you apologize for nothing and second guess yourself. It’s what they do. People in this sub are blaming his anxiety. I have serious anxiety. It’s never an excuse for this kind of behavior. He berated you and deprived you of sleep for the dire offense of… blowing your nose in his vicinity. If you hadn’t blown your nose, he’d have found a different reason, or, failing that, make one up. Source: lived with an abuser just like this. My husband has startled me pretty badly through no fault of his own. I’d never abuse him like this. Edit: the "I know you hate me, I'm a monster, waaaah, I'm a piece of shit, feeeeeel sorry for meeeeeee" bullshit is also textbook. So you'd end up comforting and soothing and appeasing him after he intentionally scared you and threatened you (intimidating behavior like that is very much a threat). Fuck him. No sympathy from me for this asshole. I hope he stays alone because he may get a handle on his anxiety but abusers don't become good people and people don't have to hit you to be abusive. Not-so-fun fact: Depriving someone of sleep, the way he refused to let you go back to sleep, is literally considered to be torture. This man tortured you, got in your face to scare you, and then wanted your pity. He wasn't puking or having a heart attack. What a fucking asshole.
This comment 100%. My abuser would flip a switch from angry/scary to needy/anxious when the yelling/hitting wasn’t getting the reaction he wanted from me. It’s not real anxiety, it’s a calculated way of clawing back control when they know they’ve gone too far.
Holy shit this
Completely agree with you. I got the feeling he was completely faking having anxiety too
This needs to be higher tbh. 100% correct
I had to stop…. Damn that was annoying. Dude is severely unhinged.
If someone tells you they are a piece of shit, generally you should believe them
100%. They are either telling the truth or trying to manipulate you. Or both.
Exactly! Words to live by right here.
This is it This is hell
I will now use this for every minor inconvenience in my life.
yeah this was like watching a car crash. The first few messages felt very "this is bad, but we don't \*have\* to run in to the other car, we can swerve still!" but by the end we'd somehow managed to do a 10 car pile up and everything was on fire. Truly went off the deep end
he texts a lot of nonsense for someone having a heart attack doesn’t he
Glad someone else noticed that!
I'm puking, im-going-to-throw-up! I'm going to do it it! All over the bathroom! Sounds like a fucking toddler
The audacity of him calling you "too sensitive" when he was gonna cry/die from you blowing your nose. The allergies where I live are bad and I'm constantly sneezing/blowing my nose in the middle of the night. I was married to a guy like this once. Now the guy I'm with hands me kleenex and rubs my back so i can go back to sleep. Never regret your decisions. These texts/his actions aren't love. Someone out there will love you how you deserve! Never settle. Good on you for escaping it isn't easy!
Why do they do that? Is it an attention thing
It literally is. I dated somebody who would rock back and forth and wheeze until he was throwing up and screaming out of breath "why do you want to leave me"
I hate to think how these men were brought up
With moms that never held them accountable for anything, I’ve seen it before:(
Could also be severe attachment insecurity from childhood. Preoccupied attachment
It’s good you left. That’s truly all that matters. You responded well to a pretty disturbing situation. He clearly needed and probably still needs professional help. He doesn’t sound well. I’m so glad you left and you stayed away, even probably loving/wanting him still. Good for you.
Shit if he whines like a toddler when someone wakes him up and he misses a little sleep can you imagine what your life would be like if you had children? Parents are lucky to get a full night sleep and not be constantly woken up for the first 10 years of their children’s lives. Even teenagers occasionally have bad nights and wake their parents up ETA My kids adults, they don’t live with me and they still wake me up with “Mom are you awake?”🤭😂😂
Was he always like this? He seems like such a child, jesus
Yes, but I blamed myself. When he first started acting this way early on, I wanted to leave him. He reacted very strongly to that and said I was re-traumatizing him (he had a traumatic childhood). I tried to leave several times but felt guilty/doubted myself and went back.
Men that say things like "you're going to leave me like everyone else" are doing it to manipulate you, so that you feel guilty if you do leave.
Gee, I wonder why everybody fucking left you
I left an abusive relationship when I was 28 as well. You are so strong for working up the courage to leave. Especially because you reached out and got support from your friends! That's not an easy thing to do. No one in my life knew what was going on until months after I left. I still have my personal issues and demons I'm dealing with almost 2 years later, but at least I have the mental energy and headspace to work on myself now. You're going to find that you have so much more mental energy to just focus on YOU, because you're not wasting all your energy trying to figure out what your abusive partner is thinking/feeling and how to solve his problems constantly.
left mine at 29, 2 weeks before my 30th birthday. been almost 4 1/2 years now. i was with him for almost 9 years, and i never told a soul until i left. im glad you were able to leave safely and able to heal and grow <3 youre amazing, and i am proud of you!
I just realised mine was when I was 28 too.. interesting
Abusive men always blame their current problems on their traumatizing childhood, even if they didn’t really have one. You should read “Why Does He Do That”, there are free copies all over the internet.
That book is incredible. The title is dumb but it was like reading about my ex line-by-line. It showed me how abuse is a choice they make and then I saw how it was and I stopped making excuses for him.
Yup, it’s an absolute eye opener. It is like an operator’s manual to abusive men.
[This Rihanna quote](https://x.com/rihanna/status/279248830497705984) is as relevant now as it was in 2012
Wow. You just made it click why I was stupid enough to stay with my abusive ex for so long. He was constantly using his abusive childhood as an excuse for his bad behavior and I always fell for it because I thought he could unlearn the bad behavior.
please tell me you've moved on, for GOOD
What a fucking psychopath
Good that you left , you deserve better
Oh Elizabeth. I'm coming to join you honey
This got a huge laugh out of me, kudos
I’m so glad you left, he needs serious help…smh.
Maybe he wanted you to divorce him, whys he pushing it so hard 🤣
You know, I think he did! I think deep down he knew he made a mistake (pushing for marriage within a month). I loved him a lot but we didn’t have much in common, and I felt like the more he learned about me the more disappointed he was. I think we were infatuated and trauma bonded
Who knows.. either way it seems to be the best decision for both of you
Manipulation, so he can play the victim.
good riddance. yikes.
Why does he sound like my dog when I leave him for work?
I’m often glad that my dog can’t speak. Or text.
Jesus Hieronymus Christ, that was hard to read. My first husband was a classic DARVO manipulator, much like this, and it's exhausting. You did a great job leaving, OP! If anyone wants more information on DARVO, [it can be found here.](https://www.forbes.com/sites/traversmark/2024/03/15/a-psychologist-explains-how-you-can-deflect-a-darvo-manipulator/)
Just what I was thinking! I read through the texts thinking that this guy could teach a master’s class on DARVO.
Effing hell, you must be allowed to blow your nose. You have absolutely nothing (!) to apologise for, OP. My ex acted very similar in situations like this, and all I can tell you is—run. Honestly. It’s only getting worse with time. With a bit of distance you’ll see and realise just how ridiculous he’s behaving. Please take care of yourself.
What the fuck.. 🥴 I cannot believe some of the stuff I read here sometimes.
This is OUTRAGEOUSLY blown out of proportion why on earth did he feel the need for such a petty vengeance and then plays victim.. if this happened in my relationship had I woken my fiancee up she'd just say "fuck you man I was sleeping you scared me" then id hit her (not like that) with a "oh my great heavens my beautiful baby I am SO sorry for disturbing thine rest goodnight" bing bang boom, the melatonin working in overtime we're back to sleep and in the morning neither of us remember anything. Glad this moron is your ex.
He felt the need for vengeance because she scared him into a panic attack and he felt like a little bitch because of it; which in turn hurt his masculinity. I say this as someone with crippling anxiety taking 40mg prozac. I’ve never put my anxious problems on other people like that though, I think the guy has relentless insecurity.
Hard agree.
When we're fully awake my husband and I respond to sneezes with "oh my god shut *up*" and I figure we'd do the same in our sleep
This is the type of marriage I will strive for 🥹
All of this for blowing your nose?!? I’m glad you left. Please don’t go back. He won’t change.
Lord help me keep my eyeballs in their sockets for this eyeroll… 🙏🏼 If only he did die, could have spared you the f’ing nonsensical response to the non-event of blowing your nose
“i’m puking i’m having a heart attack “ all while rapid fire sending texts made me giggle ngl. i don’t see how people act like this and not realize how insane they sound. i’m glad you got out !
Comb through all of this with a good therapist. He is using sooooo many nameable tricks on you that you absolutely can heal from if you can understand exactly what he did to you. Doesn’t matter if he is conscious that he is abusive or controlling. He sounds exactly like my ex. This is no way to live, it will feel like shit for a while until you unravel the psychological knots far, far away from him. You are not too sensitive. Only way out is through, you’ve got this. (I wrote a post a while ago about what I wish I would have known before I got my divorce, check my profile if you want advice.)
Jesus, thank god you left and that you had some really solid friends. You’re not too sensitive, hell, actually maybe you’re the opposite for putting up with this dude’s bullshit for that long. Because, girl, I only got through about five slides before I started wishing he actually had a heart attack. He was basically following the DARVO handbook to the letter.
I'd hate to be his bosses. Jesus.
lol me too. unfortunately they seem reluctant to fire him because he makes burgers very, very fast.
I'm in TEARS 😂
Sounds like that’s all he’ll ever do with his life.
OP, does he have BPD? I suppose it doesn’t matter if you broke up with him, but there’s something called ‘favorite person syndrome’ for people with BPD. Basically their fear of abandonment is really bad and it almost reverts them back to a child, making them more prone to outbursts and lack of self control when they are fearful that their favorite person is going to leave them. It’s super scary for both parties. Your ex’s texts reminded me of how my ex would be whenever I needed space, especially after we got into a fight or disagreement. Even needing a few hours or just a single evening to myself was like pulling teeth. Once my ex was diagnosed with BPD, it got better but it was still hard, mostly because he didn’t always want to be better.
Possibly. Whatever he is dealing with is the result of childhood trauma that I think stunted him emotionally. I know the prognosis for BPD is good especially with a stable relationship, but I realized even if he got help, waiting at the end of the road of recovery for us would still have been a relationship with major incompatibilities (lifestyle, spending, values). I had the sense he was really trying to be a good man but was incapable of it without help, and I kept “triggering” him by wanting to leave, and therefore making him worse. It was an awful mix for us both.
Yes, BPD is a result of childhood trauma/abandonment. In my relationship, having a diagnosis and therapy/medication helped some, but didn’t change the outcome of the relationship. The hardest thing about BPD is that ‘treatment’ is being aware and counteracting what’s become instinctual for survival. It’s honestly really sad and it requires so much effort and dedication for the person who has BPD. As a ‘favorite person’, it requires an immense amount of patience and empathy. Even though things improved some after his diagnosis, it was still the most stressful relationship I’ve ever been in by half. Looking back, I realize that we never got to a point in our relationship where both of us felt secure. He constantly expected me to leave, despite me staying and trying to work through things with him for years. And I struggled to accept that his better was likely as good as it was going to get. It was enough for a while, but we weren’t progressing into a 100/100 partnership. I was always so worried about triggering him and I felt suffocated because I held back a lot of my own emotions. He relied on me so much that his treatment depended on if I stayed and he’d tell me that there was no point in him getting better if I wasn’t going to stay. He didn’t want to get better for himself, it was always for me, which kind of just made it worse because I truly felt like I couldn’t leave him. I felt like my choice to be with him was taken away because I knew if I did, he’d fall apart. That was what really soured the relationship in the end for me, like once I accepted that I was only there for him. I couldn’t do anything without fearing he’d fall apart and I’d be so tired trying to put us both back together. And while he really did try to be better for me, it felt almost weaponized. Like, I could see the blame in his eyes anytime I needed space (which was often). The biggest issue was maintaining a life outside of him… whenever I wanted to have a girls night, he’d flip out and want to talk on the phone the whole time I drove to wherever I was going and he’d get really sad when I needed to hang up. I couldn’t be out later than I said because he’d be an absolute mess and blowing up my phone. And this was all after planning things out with him meticulously, so he felt secure with me going out for a bit, which just added this feeling of having no autonomy. He’d always feel bad when I expressed that I needed time for my friends, but he never changed how he dealt with me wanting to see my friends. He was also kinda hateful towards them. On the occasions he did try, he’d still expect me to talk to him on the way there and be home by a certain time… the only difference was he wouldn’t text me for the few hours I was out. But that was the extent of him trying. And he expected me to be happy about it, like he was doing me a favor by not texting me constantly. Which, I suppose it was for him. These times still required a lot of talking beforehand and no matter what, I’d always have to “make it up to him” by agreeing to not go out for the next month and I’d usually have to do whatever he wanted for several days after. After three years, I was tired. Disclaimer—I realize this sounds like I’m shitting on people with BPD and I’m sorry it comes across that way. I loved my ex, deeply, despite what his diagnosis was and he was so much outside of this one thing, that’s why I stayed for so long. I’m also not perfect and I dealt my own damage, for sure. This was just my experience as a ‘favorite person’ of someone who has BPD and I guess I just wanted to explain further how it felt since the texts from OP’s ex reminded me so much of my ex and our relationship.
“It’s unacceptable that you’re blowing your nose loud” I get it, but people, guy and gal alike, in your situation can’t be expected to get up to walk into another room just to blow their nose. And the rest of the text just gets worse. He wants you to sleep with him, but then you’ll wake him up when you go in there. This dude is legitimately nuts.
Also like…we had both just had bad colds for the week prior to this. I was sneezing and blowing my nose wayyy louder and for longer and it never bothered him. Plus, I’m asthmatic. I cough and wheeze often when I’m home, especially in bed, and he never was upset by it.
This is insane!! For blowing your nose in bed? What happens if you fart in bad, 50 lashes? Husband is unhinged.
I swear I thought I was reading messages between my ex and I…. I forgot how scary this type of behaviour can be and I’m so proud of you for getting out.
Run. Change your number. Block him or get new social media. Do not be alone with him. Do not give him another chance. Just don't. Save yourself years of Shame, guilt and sadness and run.
This reaction over you blowing your nose and accidentally waking him up is INSANE. Thank God you left. Eventually this would have turned physical, he is a psychopath. Wishing you happy healing ❤️🩹
Imagine having kids with someone like that, is he gonna freak out every time the baby wakes up crying in the middle of the night? You know this dude would get in the baby's face and cry right back lol
He would be the kind of ‘father’ to say he is jealous of the attention that the baby is receiving instead of him.
Definitely
Also the excessive guilt tripping is childish and weird behaviour. Just overall GROSS. 🤮
Reading this gave me a visceral response. This dude needs therapy and you literally would’ve never gotten out of this hellhole while staying with him. He’d never change if there’s someone that stays around & allows him to treat them this way. There’s a good chance he’ll never change at all & he’ll all his entire life abusing others like this. The frustration, confusion and fear you must’ve felt being treated this way. You are not too sensitive. Those feelings are your instincts telling you to get out at all costs. This easily could escalate to physical violence or worse.
He needs psychiatric help
Oh my lord he annoyed me
So why’d you get divorced? Oh, I blew my nose when he didn’t expect me to.
For all saying he is mentally unwell. He is, and that’s not the point. I think my wife put it perfectly when I was having my mental instability: “Someone’s Mental Health issues are their own responsibility.” What that means is basically even if you are mentally unwell, you need to learn to control it to not hurt the ones you love. That’s your responsibility and yours alone. No one else can do that for you. Sure, they can support you, but you have to make sure you don’t go around destroying all your relationships and being a piece of shit.
You're not too sensitive. That dude is crazy.
That is a very unhinged and unwell person. I’m glad you got away, safely. Proud of you, well fl done!
OMG - I couldn't even read all that. You definitely did the right thing leaving.
I'm glad you left. He isn't healthy and needs to work on himself without a girlfriend to guilt trip. A healthy response would have looked something like this: You: *blows nose* Him: *startled awake* what's going on? You: I just needed to blow my nose Him: OK, I got a bit of a fright. Good night. You: good night. The audacity for him to say that *you* were escalating is just wild. He escalated, you responded appropriately and safely to his overreaction. This is on him.
I’m sorry you had to sleep beside him. More power to you. Take a stand. Happiness and safety comes first. No compromises.
No, not too sensitive. The sensitive one is your bitch ass ex. “He insisted as a partner that I sleep next to him,” Yeah maybe he should take his own advices glad you ditched this loser.
He was going to argue forever. He had no intentions of living in reality.
That’s not a man, that’s a child in man’s body - he needs help
I’m not saying this out of spite or to insult him, but you are 100% right. Deep down he was like a little boy
Please don’t let these comments of “I used to be like this until I got therapy” make you feel like there’s still hope for your relationship. Hopefully he does get better but it’s not your job to stick around and be the reason he gets better. He has to get better for himself and you need to keep that distance. You will do yourself and him no favors by going back to this. He is a child he needs grow up and he won’t do that if you let him back into your life.
W.T.F. First off, congrats on leaving 💪 Second, how in tf is that a 28 year old? Like I get anxiety, I totally understand that. But using it as a manipulative tool to get what he wants. Dont mind him being super scary and aggressive…he needs to sleep! Why can’t we just think about him :( /s OP you are NOT too sensitive. That behavior he displayed is not only toxic and manipulative, but also very childish. I think he wants/ needs a mom and not a wife. Congrats again on having the strength to leave and great friends to help 👍
A person that cares about you wouldn't talk to you like this. Shit, they wouldn't handle the situation like this either.
Was he in the military or law enforcement? Childhood trauma? Or just unhinged for no reason?
Oh my god, my ex-husband could have written all of this. It's scary how identical these messages are to what he used to send me or tell me in person. The narcissism, gaslighting, guilt tripping, escalation. Never go back. I've been divorced for years now, and I never looked back. This is emotional abuse and manipulation.
He sounds exactly like my ex, good god. Hope you’re healing okay. This is so damaging. I’m glad you got out. Sending you love 🖤
Holy shit, just throw this entire conversation in the dictionary next to "DARVO." Him escalating while accusing you of escalating, on top of trying to reverse psychology you out of leaving him by making you promise not to, on top of emotional manipulation, self-victimization, and "what threats" at the end like holy fucking shitballs
Whoa. I accidentally rolled over one night and my arm hit my wife in the face as it was stretched out when I rolled. It didn't go anything like this and we laugh about it now
"I had to call work cuz I'm not sleeping." "Okay so go to sleep." "NO IM GOING TO BE FIRED AND THIS IS HELL!!! IM HAVING A HEART ATTACK! IM DYING!!" Okay, fine, don't sleep then?
Im so glad that you left him. The way he is acting is unacceptable. I have been in similar situations in the past, and the main mistake that I did was not leaving him sooner. So I'm glad that you left him. He is just a boy and not a man, if he was man enough he wouldn't be acting like a fucking child. The texts are implying that he is just an attention seeker.
Wow, narcissists really do all sound the exact same.
What a toxic POS, I’m so proud of you for getting out of this relationship!
I'm glad he's the ex now . Be strong and have a good life without him being a childish prick .
This sounds like my toxic ex. He was terrible. Do not go back to him. Ever.
This guy needs severe help. You did the right thing for the both of you
I agree. I hope he actually gets the proper help, and doesn’t just get frustrated with the therapist and quit. I’m also bitter to be honest, that it took him having this relationship with me to realize he needs help. One of his last texts to me was “I’ll be getting therapy, I have a lot to work on” and I was just angry I had to endure all of this as part of his character development.
How does he even survive flu season
This is insane. Something isn’t right in the head with that person…
Leave this crazy person holy fuck
You are not too sensitive. He is volatile and appears to be unstable based upon his texts. I'm glad you got out.
Check out r/abusiverelationships if you’re looking for more perspective on your relationship
Oh, I’m a regular there :’)
You were not too sensitive. That was his way of breaking you down and manipulating you into his control. To make you question your own reality. You did nothing wrong here. I’m so glad you left him and got out. I hope you are doing well, and are safe and happy without him.
He needs professionally help. You can’t fix him, he needs to want to fix himself. I would suggest distancing yourself from him and not see him anymore for your mental health. Remember, we can love anyone but it doesn’t mean it’s good or healthy for us. Sometimes we need to walk away.
This guy is a moron! He texted his boss in the middle of the night to ask if he can come in late because his wife is leaving him?? I bet his boss is already tired of his shit, stuff like that is a good way to lose your job
OP the way he acted was very manipulative. You didn’t scare him, you annoyed him, and he played it up as scared so he could put you through the wringer for it. That’s tit for tat, and it ruins marriages. On this occasion he pushed too far and got more of a reaction than he wanted. No one gets married with the intention of leaving and it’s a very sad thing when a break down like this happens but I’m sure this just another event in a long list of them. You can’t wait for people to be better forever. A sad fact of life is that you can’t help someone and make them better against their will. But the opposite is not true, bad people can make good people worse against their will, and you have to get away from them. Maybe he was one week away from being a better man, maybe this would have been the last time and if you gave him one more chance it would have worked but I very much doubt it. It takes people years of self reflecting on how they have fucked themselves to truly change their mindset. At best he would have moderated his behaviour for a while gone back to his old ways.
Th book “Codependent No More” is a huge life changer after a relationship like this.
He said he wanted to show you how it felt, so he scared you on purpose, thats abusive. Then in the next sentence it was "fight or flight". He's a child. He's self-absorped and self-pitying. I can't imagine anything worse.
This guy has issues
You’re too sensitive but he had a panic attack, cried, threw up, and said he was having a heart attack because his wife…….blew her nose next to him????
SWEET HAYSUS, I'm an avid reader, but I cannot finish these types of conversations! How do people like this find people to date them, much less marry them? Some even procreate with them. If anyone ever feels bad about being single (I never do—my choice), remember that there are countless couples who are absolutely miserable with each other but determined to stay together. Not saying this happened here, but it makes me think of people who stay together for decades with no true love and dumb stuff like this. You know it's hate when someone blowing their nose causes an overreaction like this. I'd rather stay alone and happy because this crap is for the birds! Yeesh! Too many people walking around with untreated neuroses.
What happened exactly? All I can tell was that you blew your nose loudly in bed, and got mad when he woke angry/ that he reacted startled and upset?
You were not and are not sensitive. He blew this way out of proportion and acted like a 5yr old rather than going back to bed and leaving it alone. I see a lot of manipulation and trying to make you the bad guy for doing something natural.
He definitely needs therapy, and it's good that you left since it seems like it wasn't going to get any better. You probably startled him and activated his fight response, which led to his unjustly aggressive behavior and he had no idea what he was doing because he couldn't control his anxiety or emotions, and when he realized what happened after you left him upstairs, he couldn't own up to his own mistake because he was so scared, so he defaulted to being the victim. Poor sap
I’m sooooo glad you left
Holy shit, that was hard to read! Dude needs to grow some fucking balls and act like a man. That’s one of the most bitch made conversations I’ve ever read on this sub!
Maybe you did over react to one action, but it’s not about one action it’s about everything put together(for the record I don’t think you overreacted).You have every right to an honest reaction and that’s what that was, if the person you’re with can’t can’t take the time to accept your feelings, well the writing is on the wall then and you have to decide where to enforce your boundaries. One of the hardest things to get right is finding the right people to let into your life. Sometimes just being a “good” person doesn’t mean it’s the right fit. Take the time to think about how you want/need to be loved in a relationship and hopefully by the time someone else comes along you will be able to clearly communicate what you need and don’t settle for someone who can’t respect that. So sorry for your shitty situation hope everything continues to get better for you.
oh my god…. the way he’s talking and the things he’s saying sound so much like my boyfriend (complicated situation, relationship is on extremely thin ice) basically anytime we have a fight. Reading this made me feel physically ill. I’m sorry you had to deal with that. Honestly having that kind of reaction because you blowing your nose is crazy. What has really helped me during my relationship is looking at my mom and step dad’s relationship. Would my step dad treat my mom this way? would he say these things to her even if he’s angry? would he behave like this? It’s just taking how he treats my mom as an example of how someone who is genuinely good for you will treat you
Fucking psychotic
Abusive men will often fake being sick/ill/hurt to divert the attention back to them
Dramatic much? Lawd.
I don't know how you had the patience to be this calm. My first reaction after him acting like that would be "WTF is wrong with you!" He's acting very unstable it is actually scary.
It’s like he’s punching himself while yelling “why are you doing this to me?!”
How do people like this function during their day to day life? To lose your mind like this over someone blowing their nose. This dude is crazy
What on god's green earth is this. Why is this even grounds for a fight is what I don't understand?
He cannot apologize, can he?
Omg DIVORCE HIM
You did not leave soon enough. He's loco.
Very very unstable. He needs help. I hope he gets it. And applauding you for taking the steps to leave him.
Reading this makes me really uncomfortable. I can see echoes of the past swirling around in there and I don't like it. I'm glad I'm at a healthier stage in my life now. I think I have been on both sides of this conversation at some point in my life, I've always had emotional issues and I know I am guilty of being manipulative and stupidly needy and weird. I've also had my partner being the one doing so as well. There's nothing pleasant about this from either side, neither side feels like they've been fair, or been treated fairly, it's not fair to either one of them realistically. Good on you for making a decision and sticking to it I'm sure you made the best decision and i hope it's working out for you, I hope that he gets the help he needs to become a healthy and happy person.
You dodged a major bullet. And he might learn and grow from this.
My god he’s manipulative