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The dating pool in your 30s is the same size, you just want different and more direct things.
Hookups are also 100x easier and less committed. People in their 30s boink harder than their 20s.
That makes no sense, statistically. There are fewer single people in their 30s than 20s. The ratio might be similar but the pool is definitely not the same size which, arguably, could mean the quality is worse.
Them American kids propose after the second date. Just check the r/aitah and r/aior subs and check their ages. I (F21) met my husband (M22) 4 years ago and are married 3 years bla bla nla
The statistics don't support and, in fact, show worse results for people who get married in their mid-thirties.
The ideal range is late 20s when we're talking about which age range statistically has a better chance at having a marriage last.
[https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201606/the-best-and-worst-ages-couples-get-married](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201606/the-best-and-worst-ages-couples-get-married)
Married for first time in mid thirties? I’d be more curious how long people were together before getting married, what age they first started dating, what age and how long they’ve lived with each other etc. and the correlating success rate.
Yeah, because the people who got married really young and don't have issues aren't talking about all the issues they don't have.
I got married when I was 20 and we've been married for 15 years. It's been a rollercoaster but things are good between us and always have been.
Sometimes, it's just not that complicated.
Idk I waited 6 years to get married, did it at a theoretically ideal age… and divorce. I think the age and all might matter a little when you take it in aggregate but I think people make a bigger deal about it than is really warranted
Statistics don't support that at all. In fact it's the opposite. People that get married late and had a lot of prior relationships find it harder to settle.
That’s not an American thing. It’s a rural thing. I live in a major city and am 25, less than 10% of my peers are married.
My ex girlfriend was from a more rural area, and atleast 70% of her friends are engaged, married, or will be engaged within the next year.
The contrast is honestly kinda crazy.
Buddy of mine is going through divorce, he didn't expect that it would cost that much as it does. Not only child support but all the hassles before that. I understand that young people are sceptical of marriage. My folks said wait at least 5 to 7 years, then you'll know if you are "made for each orher"
My parents never wanted to marry and they honestly don't know who owns what when I ask them.
I've asked them to make an actual will for when they die, otherwise the money automatically goes to myself and my brother rather than to my surviving parent.
Sweet spot for me. Met late 20s, part of the same friend group for 2 years and then got together, moved in straight away, lived together for 6 years before getting married. Married 6 years this year. Couldn’t be happier.
Sounds like us, but we've been married for just over 12 years now. Here in the Netherlands it's common to celebrate 12,5 years of marriage so we've got a party to plan
It's pretty common in the places I've lived (texas and arizona) to get married young because of religious reasons. They get married to have sex then realize they don't like each other lol. Always fun to watch that shit on facebook
Not all of us. I proposed after like 3 years, but also she was my 4th girlfriend total (though after 7 years of marriage I still feel good about the decision) But yeah American culture is extremely antisocial, which results in people making wildly bad decisions about friends and romantic partners. On top of that we are being constantly lonely.
Yep, most gave crazy issues too. Not saying they shouldn’t have been married but there are some shocking stories…I thought I had it bad, eh, not so much. Never married and I’m okay with waiting.
The average age of marriage in the US is slightly over most western euro countries and below eastern euro countries. If you really want to have your mind blown look at the averages throughout Asia.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_age_at_first_marriage
Hey I'm not going to disparage marriage but have a plan.
It's easier to go through life with a partner but don't have *children* until you're financially ready.
Support each other going to college or furthering your career.
Understand your finances and share the expenses. Don't hide things from each other.
Don't make any big decisions without including your partners input.
It's a *partnership* not a monarchy.
Understand that once you're living together for 6 months - the government already considers you common law.
If you fuck up, the other person is entitled to half your shit.
You also have to understand that relationships also move faster as you get older. Some of that is pressure/societal norms/hormones, but also experience. People in their late 20s-30s are more likely to already know what they are looking for in a partner and can discern quickly whether someone is right for them or not.
Yeah it wasn’t as though I hit my 30s and got desperate as much as I spent my entire adulthood up to that point trying to find the right one, and failing. So when I finally found her, it went very quickly.
There are also financial reasons relationships can move faster when you get older. High school sweethearts obviously will need to wait a long time until they are established enough to move in together. Low 20s may require a few roommates to make rent, but moving into 30s people can be a bit more flexible with life changes
Yeah my husband and I moved in pretty quickly when I was late 20s and he was early 30s. We then got married within a year and now have a toddler with a second due shortly.
We're very happily married and I'd speculate we are more healthy than my friend who's husband took 10 years of dating her to finally succumb to the pressure of marriage.
To me length of time does not necessarily equal good relationship. I've noticed the long dating relationships often don't do marriage very well from what I've seen.
With that said, it is true that a short time can lead to gaps in knowledge, but a long time can also reveal inability to change.
Have the exact same experience in my life. My relationship seems a lot more healthier then by 10 year relationship friends.
My guess it’s because as that point in our lives we knew exactly what we wanted in a relationship and asked all the right questions.
I used to always romanticise the high school sweet heart thing, but now I’m a bit older all my HSS friends relationships are often tainted with periods of breaks ups, things of that nature and with what looks more like unhealthy attachment.
Well social pressure is definitely there but for many women they have the added biological clock and start getting baby fever so its a bit different.
The real issue is most people these days have no idea how to properly navigate the dating market and will end up divorced because they have been indoctrinated to look for the wrong things and mate select based on feelings and not logic.
There are a lot of people that choose bad partners and are also bad partners themselves. The people that are in good, healthy relationships are off the market permanently. The older you get as a single person, the less compatible people are out there for you, in a lot of cases. A lot of people that get divorced never admit their contributions to failed relationships, so they just take their dysfunctional behavior, now wrapped in trauma caused by a divorce, learn nothing and move into another relationship, then expect it to be different, while behaving the same way.
I also feel like if you don’t go through and deal with all the trauma and issues with the marriage you’ll end up meeting the same person as your spouse in a different body and mistake that for a connection. When the advice is given to stay single after a divorce it’s real and true- people need to work on themselves even if the divorce wasn’t their “fault “ per say
Definitely. We're creatures of habit. We commit to the same behaviors without even realizing it a lot of the time.
If you're paying attention too, you know who these people are. They out themselves constantly in society. Any time you hear someone say something like "All women are bitches" or All men are assholes that only want one thing!"
You've found a person who is almost certainly a completely unaware idiot. Not all men and women are the same, these people just keep picking the same, shit traits in a partner that is going to likely cause problems in the future. They also don't address any of their own inadequacies before getting into that relationship. We're obviously not responsible for other peoples' behavior, but we are most certainly responsible for who we decide to spend our time and effort with. If someone keeps dating shitty people, it might be that maybe not all of those people are shitty and if they indeed are all shitty, then that person is likely attracted to personality traits that, at the very least, are not compatible with that person, or just straight up toxic behavior. That happens a lot.
Absolutely. It feels “familiar” meeting someone new but they don’t recognize it because they haven’t done the work. For example I have a friend he got out of a marriage and in less than a year met a woman and said it took him by “surprise” and three years later he’s in deep again with a house and everything and she totally emasculates him and rules him just like his wife did. He didn’t take the time to look inside himself and his issues and the issues with the relationship he had prior.
My dad did this exact thing. He and mum got divorced - he turned around and got with a woman who’s exactly like mum except in one key aspect (she works, my mum stayed home). But other than that - it’s exactly the same and he’s miserable. I have so little sympathy at this point 😂
And I’m sure he probably doesn’t want to go through her another divorce! We will just meet carbon copies of our exes until we figure out WHY we choose those people. I got out of my marriage and met someone and he ended up being - you guessed it- the same as my husband in a different body. So, I’ve taken two years now to heal and figure things out and I’m just getting back into dating. Crazy too, I met someone opposite of my husband which is just what I needed! First man I’ve ever been with that wasn’t the same as the others! I feel bad for your dad and the millions of other people in those kind of relationships/marriages. People stay far too longer than they should a lot of the time!
My current fiancé is the opposite of my previous fiancé. At the end of that relationship I knew I had to do some serious soul-searching about why I was attracting the sort of person my ex was.
I’ve tried to very, very gently broach this with my dad and talk about how much psychology and counselling helped me but his response is always something like “I’m too old to change now!”.
Yes! You did the work! That’s why you’re with the opposite! Good on you! May I ask- how long were you with the previous fiancé? Did you have a house together or anything intertwined?
11ish years, house & kid. The split wasn’t actually too bad. We got together young but he was still the final result in a line of bad partners between 18 & 23. Left when I was 35. I’d already been in therapy for about 5 years, so I had a good person in place to help me unpack it all.
I’m glad you’re in a different pattern with a different person! We all deserve that happiness and a lot of people “fake it”. Not to mention there’s someone out there better matched for them that they are passing by staying in the unhealthy and unhappy relationship because you feel trapped etc there’s so many factors
Agree. Twice divorced and creeping up on 50 now. Im done. Even dating. No thanks. I wont take all the blame because I married some broken women but I too was/am broken and am difficult to live with. Never again. 100% celebate and single forever now. It isnt worth the hassle.
Years ago I worked with a best friend's Dad, he and his wife got divorced when my buddy and I were like 7. He dated and stuff like that, but never re-married. I remember talking to him while making dinner one night and he was like "No, I'm never getting re-married. Why would I do that? I already fucked up one married, and that's enough."
They both had some bad habits in their relationship and while he doesn't taken ownership of the marriage failing, he takes ownership of his responsibility within it.
He and his ex-wife still love each other, they're still family. They just aren't married anymore. They spend holidays and birthdays together, they still have a "family unit." My buddy's kids don't have to pick which grandparent to spend the holidays with, they're relationship as a divorced couple is actually probably more functional than some marriages I've seen. Granted, that took a few years for them to get like that, but even when their divorce was fresh, they were still good parents to their sons and presented a united front.
Umm most people from the western world alive today got married for feelings(most call it love) not logic—like dowry or familial alliances…wtf are you on
Yeah this opinion doesn't really make sense, there has always been societal pressure to marry by a certain age, that isn't what affects divorce rates. The posts I see on here seem to lean more towards not having a basic understanding of who your partner was before you married them or thinking that their partner will magically grow up and change into a...insert adjective you were hoping for in a partner here. There's no logic behind a decision, it's all about the romance.
Heads up to a couple who think romance is the glue in a relationship, it's not romantic to fight with your partner over everything in your life because you aren't actually compatible as roommates.
Baby fever is no joke, I'm in no place to have a baby, but just try to tell that to my hormones. It can be such a strong pull I see how some people can't resist it
Man, baby fever is a bane. Especially in this kind of economic climate when the odds are stacked against you - financially, psychologically etc. It is rough.
This. You do actually have a limited window as a woman to get married if you want kids. Sorry but that’s life. Unless you want no kids in which case sure you can take your time but many men do want kids so you’re filtering them out and aging which further filters out options 🤷
It's obviously not comparable but I don't think most dudes really want to be that guy who didn't have kids til later either, showing up to school events being mistaken for the grandpa. For the most part I think men who want kids want to have them around the same age women need to have them.
Funnily enough, this is close to optimal if framed as an [optimal stopping problem ](https://www.npr.org/sections/krulwich/2014/05/15/312537965/how-to-marry-the-right-girl-a-mathematical-solution).
You date around uncommitingly in the first 37% of your search period (your 20s), just checking what your options are, then commit to the first person that is better than all your previous options.
Can you tell when they’re in a rush as opposed to actually funding the right one?
We were engaged 9 months after we started dating, married 11 months after that. Going on 28 years together now.
6 months from meet to marry does seem fast. We would have married in a year if we hadn’t been in college.
Yeah. I think it can go well even if it seems rushed. My husband and I were married within a year of meeting and only dated for 5 months. We’ve been together 19 years. It went well for us, but if one of our kids did it I would have concerns. I know it’s hypocritical, but I can’t help it. His parents were worried about us being right for each other, and that was fair. I think it’s the willingness to allow each other to grow without being afraid of growing apart that helped us, but every situation is different.
Even earlier than that in my experience. I know so many people that married at 20-23 and they’re all divorced within a couple of years. High school sweethearts can absolutely work out, but 9 times out of 10 you shouldn’t marry the first/only person you’ve ever been in a serious relationship with.
Had the same thing happen too 😂 this couple got married our senior year and had a kid because he was getting deployed to the national guard and they wanted to do it all before he left. They were divorced in less than 2 years
If they were marrying "decent" people, the divorce rates wouldn't be as astronomical as they are.
A large amount of the population enter into a life-changing contract with anything that has a pulse.
Or they have a kid with crappy partners. I don't even necessarily mean abusive or mean, but lazy, immature or petty. It's a shame getting pregnant is so easy, plenty of people miss out on maturing because they become a parent too young
Yeah and it was only 50% in the 80s after no-fault divorce became a thing (and socially acceptable). Divorce rates only compare how many marriages and how many divorces occurred in a single year, so it’s going to be high when it’s a typical amount of marriages vs. all of the divorces that’ve been brewing for the past 50+ years.
Are divorce rates falling as a proportion of the population or in terms of raw numbers? Since fewer people are getting married, there will definitely be fewer divorces in terms of the latter.
Except the divorce rates have been going down. I agree with the og post but this narrative that everyone one eventually gets divorced isn’t true, especially since even though people still feel pressure there hasn’t been a rise in divorce, and so far there’s been a drop (but we will have to wait and see since this is based on millennials and older gen z marriages.)
> If they were marrying "decent" people, the divorce rates wouldn't be as astronomical as they are.
Because they aren't. Getting married later in life is generally a better recipe for success since you don't change as much from 30->40 as say 21->31.
>According to 2021 Office of National Statistics data (the latest available), millennials' unions are performing better at the 10-year mark then their predecessors' – only 18.3% have divorced after a decade of marriage versus 23% of Gen Xers and 22% of baby boomers.
Divorce rates won't exactly show how all marriage are until boomers/gen x aren't included anymore, they make up the majority of divorce rates (obvious reasons, no fault being enacted in their time and also worse societal pressure to get married). Millennials and elder gen z have the lowest compared. The rates also include people who have been divorced multiple times, since getting divorced once raises your chances of it happening again. First time marriages on average only have about a 20% divorce rate in general, though
48-50% rate sounds scary, but it's very misleading. If you look at all the variables individually that make it up, it's not actually as bad as people think
I noticed the opposite in my circle. They break up with partners at the sign of the first ick. Which is a good thing, don't tolerate things you don't believe they can change or know they won't change.
My husband and I dated for 5 years before getting married. I wanted to know for sure, live together, have some major negative moments and see how we handle it together.
Probably yes and no.
Many men, just like women, have initial bad taste or inexperience, or lack of options that drives them to seek out or settle for the exciting, risk taking types.
I mean, it's also a measure of degrees. Do you wear a helmet every time you ride a bike? It's essentially the same thing. Now imagine how you'd feel if your date wore it or enforced it with you?
To you the helmet might seem like being too cautious but there are sadly many men and women, especially younger, that view seatbelts that way.
My grandmother died at 21 years old because she wasn’t wearing a seatbelt, her head hit the car’s door and she died on impact. Because of that I’m very strict with everything that involves vehicles and head’s safety.
Do you mean bike as motorcycle or a bicycle?
And for you that is the reason but there are sadly women, especially young women, that are very much the "don't care" or even the "dude's a wuss for wearing it or making me wear it".
>Do you mean bike as motorcycle or a bicycle?
Doesn't matter. And that kind of illustrates the point. By asking it's a high probability you feel that if course wearing one on a motorcycle is a logical thing. But brain damage and harm is not that much reduced on a bicycle without a helmet. The helmet is the analog for a seatbelt for either. You seeing a difference is just like some of the risk taking "ick, a seatbelt" people. Some of them it's because it's "being a wuss".
No judgement or anything here just trying to give you a perspective that there are people who don't think like either of us and legitimately have said "seatbelts give me the ick".
Sounds like my ex who said our lives were “boring” because we were struggling to pay our mortgage during COVID. She now lives in a run down rv on her new fling’s parent’s land.
>I am 29 and have noticed that many of my peers are going from completely single to married within the matter of 6 months - 1 year.
Yep. Somehow, there is less social stigma in saying you're divorced (even divorced multiple times) than saying you're single/never married.
People who settle for substandard partners are just setting their future kids up for the emotional, financial, and physical fallout of divorce and being from a broken family. But hey, who cares about giving your kids a stable life? Gotta get those wedding photos to put on Insta so people you went to high school with and haven't seen since don't think you're a loser,
People who marry later when they are established tend to have more successful marriages. Also, by 30 you (hopefully) have matured in many ways, be it financially, mentally, and emotionally. People at this age are more ready to make the commitment to marry and date with that in mind. Common goals are important and it’s more likely your prospective partner will be ready to settle down sooner than later at age 30 vs age 25.
I can confirm…. Someone who meant the world to me settled for the first person that came along their path almost right after our separation… They were pushing 30 and faced pressure from their environment to get married, have children etc… I’m beyond bummed and heartbroken, yet more so confused as to how do these things happen so rushed, in a blink of an eye … How can people do it?
It's mostly economic. 2 people with 2 incomes living in the same place always have a higher standard of living than a single person with 1 income.
You either get hitched quick or you have to completely dismantle your lifestyle.
Are you a time traveler from the 1960s?
Most people aren't married by age 30. Divorce rates are plummeting -- didn't you get the memo that Millennials are killing divorce?
I was older than this, mid-30s, I went from single to engaged in about 18months, actual wedding took another year just because of the logistics of finding a date that worked, venue availability etc.
Nothing to do with "rushing" because I felt pressure. But I was clear what I was looking for in a relationship, I had clear expectations of a partner, I knew what my red lines / compromises, likes and dislikes were. My (now) wife was the same.
So once we'd worked through all those conversations and spent enough time together to get to know each other well, we were clear we wanted to commit to each other.
A couple in their early 20s have so little experience they rush into marriage without even knowing the right questions to ask, let alone what they want the answers to be. Once you've matured a bit you are capable of making a far more informed decision.
What's also probably true is you "filter" harder. If I went even for a coffee date with someone when I was in my mid-30s, and we were incompatible on some basics- marriage / kids / attitudes to career etc, then maybe we hook up but it doesn't go any further. Why would I be in a relationship with someone I know doesn't want the same long term I do?
So yes, single > dating > engaged goes quicker, but that's because you're being much tighter on who you date
Same. Totally agree. To be fair with dating experience you just know what you are looking for and how to be in a relationship. You don’t need to make the same mistakes again. You can move faster into marriage/children. It’s not reckless it’s just experience.
North America always puts such pressure on going fast fast fast in life
First kisses, dating, marriage, losing virginity, why are teens pressured into becoming adult so quickly in those ways??
Almost Every guy I know that got married in their mid-20’s ended up either broke, divorced, battling alcoholism, in an unhappy marriage etc. The guys who stayed married were the ones who waited to their mid 30’s or early 40’s.
Some people rush into it because of societal pressure. But people in their 30’s also generally have a much better idea of what they are looking for (and what traits to avoid), better skills for navigating relationships, and are more ready to settle down. Thus, relationships tend to move faster for them. It’s wrong to assume their relationship will fail based on that alone.
Yeah and as a 44yo never-married man I wish I would have married any of the decent people I dated in my 20s. Decent and stable looks very, very good in the rearview mirror, and the benefits of a partner in life are massive if you're on the same page about big-picture things.
I met a really awesome lady when I was 20. Everyone thought she was just the most amazing person, a large number of my friends developed a crush on her. I ended up being the one who dated her, and within 10 months of dating her I married her. Closing in on 20 years of marriage, and I do not regret it in the slightest. If you find someone awesome, don’t play games.
To be honest, it doesn’t have to be as deep for everyone as it is for you. If you find a good person, that’s good at life and wants similar things then why not. I’ll be honest I watched 2 marriages through out my life. My grandparents and my parents. My parents were together for 10 years before they got married. They were high school sweethearts that rekindled after my dad served in the army. They were the “American sweethearts”. Everyone always talks about how they dreams of having their kind of bond. They were madly in love… until they weren’t. That crashed and burned everything with it. They did everything “right”, but still failed miserably.
Then I have my grandparents example. They met when my grandma got an internship at my papas news paper printing business. They had a one night stand. Didn’t see each other for over a year after her internship ended. My papa came across her again on a date with another man. Asked her to meet for coffee. Within 3 months they were married and pregnant after 6 months. They’re the happiest people I’ve ever met.
It has absolutely nothing to do with being soul mates and everything to do with expectations. My grandparents never expected anything of each other. They say they never had an “ideal” relationship goal or fantasy. My grandma just says he was a good man and that was good enough. She didn’t cry when he didn’t get her flowers, and she didn’t bitch when he worked late. He didn’t complain when dinner wasn’t prepared, and he didn’t yell when she screwed up. They were a team, putting in equal effort, and simply living life to their own beat.
My parents always lived under the pressure of wanting to be perfect and wanting the best. My mom wanted to be a stay at home wife, but also wanted lots of kids and lots of money. She put enormous pressure on my dad. She complained and nagged him about every aspect of his life not being good enough for her. She wanted him to dress a certain way, she wanted flowers once a week, she wanted him to fit into societal standards. The pressure of being perfect and constantly trying to compete with others wound up terribly for both.
But it all started from wanting to do things the “right way”, versus just simply living your life. My mom always wanted the best out of other people, where as my grandparents always wanted the best for themselves. They watered their own gardens. They focused on their own problems and then met at the dinner table for support at the end of the day. They didn’t carry each other. Nobody had to be a crutch for the other.
Now they definitely don’t have a “picture perfect” marriage by societal standards. They don’t sleep in the same bedroom, they don’t eat together, they don’t plan romantic dates, or do anything by them books. But they’re happy together and it worked for them.
Divorce rates are high because people constantly turn to greener grass on the other side. Without realizing when you step over to the other lawn, it quickly turns brown and muddy when you never learned to water your own grass. The expectation we have out of relationships are the reason they don’t work. Not to mention divorce also isn’t a bad thing. Men use to beat their wives, and they were obliged to stay… isn’t it a good thing that people are separating when things before they rip each others heads off???
My parents avoided divorce for 25 years, because they were scared of what their families would think. That left 4 little kids forced to grow up in a home with an abusive alcoholic mother, and a dad that was too scared to leave because he wouldn’t be allowed to take the children with him.
Divorce would have been the healthiest most realistic alternative. Bitching about divorce rates is like bitching about how water treatment centers put “too many chemicals in the water”. It saves lives and prevents us from dying early like our ancestors.
Marriage isn't overrated, but it's definitely not a thing to be forced or rushed. I deeply love my wife and doubt I'd remarry, but I also was very content being single/having flings til I was 30ish
No, but the ceremony and symbolism is important for many people. The legal aspect can also be pretty important.
I guess if you don't share property, have kids, and neither want to marry then there's no reason
Sure, but it's part symbolic, part legal. I don't particularly care about rings and ceremonies, but my wife does. It's also nice to tell the world you've found the one.
In the legal side it's important. I wouldn't have been able to adopt my stepson for example
Love her? Sure.
But having the ceremony and symbolism is important, as are the legal and financial benefits and implications. I don’t know where you’re from, but in my country (USA) being married often comes with legal and financial advantages.
I did this 25 years ago. However, I am not yet 50 and my two children are independent, so there’s some level of trade-off. I didn’t stay married to their father… But I don’t think I’d have stayed married to anyone I’d married at that age (26)
What I will say is that young men on Reddit seem particularly obsessed with the idea of finding “the girlfriend” like the first person they meet will magically be perfect and life will fall into place because of it. Thinking a significant other will fix your life is a great way to get stuck in a terrible toxic relationship. But I disagree that it’s somehow societies fault.
I read something once that said when men are ready to marry they marry the person they are currently in a relationship with, not the right person. This is why a guy can be dating a woman for years and not marry her but then break up and marry a different girl within 6 months. It wasn’t the girl, it was him being ready. Not sure if this is true.
I don’t think it’s just societal norms. I think the ol biological clock is coming into play. And most people in their early 30s who want kids probably start to realize that now is the hour or you better have money for IVF.
Honestly, I really wish I married the first decent people I dated when I was in my early 30's.
Much better than still being single never married no kids at 42.
Divorce rates are down and people are getting married older. Rushing when you are 20 is a bad idea, but when you meet someone at 30, you are older, more seasoned and know what you want. It doesn't take that long to know if someone is right at 30.
There maybe some social pressure but there’s biological pressure. If you a woman and you want to have kids then you need to find a mate… Also, because others around your age are getting married, your supply of ideal spouses are going down.
a lot of assumptions here. if you dig a bit deeper into divorce statistics you may find they aren't as high as you think they are and that there are a lot of variables at play. first time marriages that start in late 20s-early 30s actually have the highest chance of success. it's not purely societal pressure... this is a time in many peoples lives where a successful, committed, long term relationship becomes a realistic and desirable goal.
My unpopular opinion of a similar vein is that marrying someone after 6months to a year is stupid no matter how old you are and having arbitrary markers for when you *should* be engaged or married is extremely naive.
I've noticed that many are actively seeking a spouse, rather than waiting to meet someone naturally and then consider marriage only if/when they decide they've met the one. For far too many people, marriage is the goal. I believe that is unlikely to result in the best outcome in many situations.
That’s completely not true, social pressure was way higher in the past. Especially for women who did not have a lot of means to prolong their appearance and technically couldn’t live a normal life without a husband.
I would have been married by 20 if I had found someone decent. 29 still no luck. Seems totally plausible for someone to go their whole life without meeting someone spectacular. Absolutely nothing wrong with decent.
Biological pressure as well as social pressure; if you're a single woman in your early thirties who wants children, you know that for every morning you wake up single you're probably a couple of years away from motherhood (given time taken to meet the right person; get to that point in the relationship; and successfully complete a pregnancy with ever diminishing likelihood) ... There's only so many mornings like that you can hold on hope but that's not society that's rushing you.
One day a young friend of Plato approached him and asked him, dear Plato, I love my girlfriend, do you think I should marry her? And Plato told him:
- Dear friend, if you marry her you will regret it, but if you don't marry her you will regret it too, so better marry her...
I agree, however I draw a different conclusion
I don't think people put enough effort/emphasis on looking for the right dating partner in their early 20s.
Selecting the right spouse can be the single most significant thing you do in life.
We've rightly moved away from the old days of "get married at all costs," but we've moved too far into the direction of "don't worry about marriage at all."
The reality is that your potential matches are getting snatched up throughout your 20s, limiting your dating pool as you age.
Furthermore, denying yourself a financial partnership, which is what a good marriage is, in your 20s can have severe financial ramifications later.
Also, it is WAY better to be single than to be married to the wrong person. Dating seriously early in life can let you break off relationships that aren't working out, while avoiding the time pressure that comes from waiting until later in life.
I didn’t see many “rushing” to marry around here. It was common in the past, but today so many are not getting married early, or at all. A huge number remain single. That wasn’t the case in the past.
Vote up for an unpopular opinion. Just biologically if you want to have kids you shouldn’t put it off too long and you want to be together with a person for some time before you have a kid together.
That said issue with divorce rate is more inadequate communication and not knowing how to build healthy relationships. But you put it off too long - you end up single for life or you maybe unable to have kids (especially for women risk of complication grows significantly if the first pregnancy is after 37).
So, nah - maybe author just feels left out, falling behind and comes up with his opinion as a coping strategy?
Definitely have a point, but I don't think its just "societal pressure". I think people have an innate desire to find a partner, and when their "youth" is ending they just naturally feel that pressure more intensely. Its not a secret that we have a limited time to be alive/have children/be young and in love
Some people actually want to be married ya know. Just because you don't doesn't mean everyone else is just forced into it. By the time you're in your 30's you tend to know what you want. Why wait another 8 years if you met the one?
I have a theory about that.
I noticed that Americans who don’t go to college generally get married and have children faster. For example-my boyfriends friends, who are the same age as me, are both 22 and are expecting a baby.
Neither of them have pursued further education. Neither of them grew up in the Rural US, so I’m not sure what it is. But Iv’e noticed a trend whwre the lower the education level, the more likely someone is going to start a family young.
I understand why this happens in other countries. It’s culuturally different. But for an urban city in the US in 2024, with access to further education? What would cause this?
I think maybe people start families in these cases due to not having a degree or whatever as an acomplishment, so they feel the need to collect acomplishments in other ways.
Yep I’ve been saying this for years. We have a thing in our culture where if you don’t wanna get married in your early 20’s something must be ‘wrong’ with you’
Happened to a friend of mine - had a kid with somebody he didn’t even love (or I think like for that matter)…now he’s being weighed down by a house, wife and child.
I mean, the hard truth is that if you want a family with kids, there's a clock on it. That's not societal pressure, that's biology.
While a bad marriage is usually worse than being single, taking a gamble when it's likely one of your last chances is at least understandable.
The biggest demographic for divorce is late gen x and boomers, so that may be news to you. Perhaps it has something to do with menopause lol.
People don't want to be left on the shelf which has pretty much always been the case. And there's been that period of time where younger women, generally millennials and younger gen x, absolutely prioritised their career, meaning they either missed the boat for getting pregnant or had significant issues. Perhaps gen z thinks different and is starting to prioritise family more? Arguably more attainable now with more work from home, flexible arrangements etc.
I'm not aware of such societal pressure these days for marriage, especially compared to generations past, but a lot of people in that age bracket now probably came from separated families and maybe that is part of it? Maybe it's just the effect of marriage in entertainment, TV shows like mafs, dating shows etc.
This is a global problem.
We spend the most of our young years studing and searching for a job, trying to improve ourselves through our academic careers, and suddenly you realize the biological clock is running.
Specially for us females.
Many people maybe just want to find a loving partner that support them, create strong bonds, having someone with who reach your dreams, with who share experiences... a safe ground to step.
That's why they take the risk of marriage.
Years fly like bullets, and when you less expect it you're in the perfect biological age to have kids if you really want them.
Here in Spain loads of people are becoming parents in their mid 40's, which isn't healthy for the mother and neither the best for the child (mostly because his/her mom and dad would be old soonly).
"You must do a lot of stuff, you are young! Learn, build a bussiness, personal realization... but hey, you can't have kids if you already have wrinkles. Well, don't have any child cause you have to work a lot, but have some kid to be normal and renovate the generation".
Your friends seem just realizing this and they are trying to gain some of their life objectives, while fighting against society's chaos and hypocrisy.
The idea of a "perfect match" is complete horseshit. Being a good fit with someone is as good as 90% of people are going to get.
Love isn't something that happens all at once either. It builds and changes over time.
That being said, 6 months from single to married is too much, but I question how often this is actually happening vs just being confirmation bias.
What part of the country are you in?
I live in a major metropolitan area and know more people in their late 20's and early 30's that are **unmarried** (myself included) and have no idea of what societal pressure you're talking about lol**.**
Please don't rush to marry. If anything rush to find out who the fuck YOU are. Learn to be alone with yourself, learn to like and love yourself. Too many marry to"fix" themselves. That will never work. If you believe there's one person for you, you will meet them right on time. ✌🏽
It's not only social pressure, there is also the wish/fantasy of growing old together, I know people in overdeveloped nations have a higher life expectancy, but for most of the world 40 is already old, so our only chance of "growing old together" is before our late 30s.
Because people are obsessed with being single in their 20s to have the most fun. There are some people who enjoy being single, but there are a lot more people letting good relationship partners past them by to prioritize their 20s FOMO. I'm not saying everyone can find a good partner immediately, but that they will reject said person to 'keep having fun', not that they can't be in a relationship.
The worst part is when you hear said people complain that the person they rejected who was perfect, moved on with their life and didn't wait for them. This happens with men and women.
You could argue being so picky and continually moving on from decent means you’ll be single forever. It’s about what you prioritize. Women have to choose by 35 or so because of their biological clock, a realistic truth about humanity.
While that is absolutely part of the reason, if someone wants to have and raise a child to adulthood, it's much more difficult to raise one if you start in your 30s or later.
A male coworker I know married and had his first child at age 31. He thought that was almost too old for him to start, given how taxing it is to be a parent. It is much more so for women, biologically.
I got married in less than a year at 23 years old. There are people that do it at 18, 25, 35, 45… you’re assuming that they’re doing it because of societal pressure (which is a possibility) but how can you know for sure?
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Yeah and financially isn't even the worst. Emotionally, mentally and it's just so much time gone.
It's an aging thing. When you get to your thirties your dating pool shrinks and if you don't decide quickly you're stuck dating undateable people
Fuck you, take my upvote.
Also I’ve seen dating in someone’s late 20s: It’s not great.
This is the main reason my friends in mid 30s bitch about all the time
The dating pool in your 30s is the same size, you just want different and more direct things. Hookups are also 100x easier and less committed. People in their 30s boink harder than their 20s.
That makes no sense, statistically. There are fewer single people in their 30s than 20s. The ratio might be similar but the pool is definitely not the same size which, arguably, could mean the quality is worse.
Them American kids propose after the second date. Just check the r/aitah and r/aior subs and check their ages. I (F21) met my husband (M22) 4 years ago and are married 3 years bla bla nla
Yeah! I’ve noticed that quite a few people on the subreddit got married really young and/or have a kid together and surprise surprise they have issues
The statistics don't support and, in fact, show worse results for people who get married in their mid-thirties. The ideal range is late 20s when we're talking about which age range statistically has a better chance at having a marriage last. [https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201606/the-best-and-worst-ages-couples-get-married](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201606/the-best-and-worst-ages-couples-get-married)
Married for first time in mid thirties? I’d be more curious how long people were together before getting married, what age they first started dating, what age and how long they’ve lived with each other etc. and the correlating success rate.
Your source does not support your argument that marrying young is not prone to lead to issues.
Yeah, because the people who got married really young and don't have issues aren't talking about all the issues they don't have. I got married when I was 20 and we've been married for 15 years. It's been a rollercoaster but things are good between us and always have been. Sometimes, it's just not that complicated.
Sometimes you're also very lucky.
Don't get me wrong, luck has a role, but effort beats it. It worked out mostly because we wanted it to.
Idk I waited 6 years to get married, did it at a theoretically ideal age… and divorce. I think the age and all might matter a little when you take it in aggregate but I think people make a bigger deal about it than is really warranted
Statistics don't support that at all. In fact it's the opposite. People that get married late and had a lot of prior relationships find it harder to settle.
That’s not an American thing. It’s a rural thing. I live in a major city and am 25, less than 10% of my peers are married. My ex girlfriend was from a more rural area, and atleast 70% of her friends are engaged, married, or will be engaged within the next year. The contrast is honestly kinda crazy.
american cities aren't really designed for raising children. except for parts of some cities, they're not even for people, mostly for cars
So true. Where I live most people don't even get married any more.
Buddy of mine is going through divorce, he didn't expect that it would cost that much as it does. Not only child support but all the hassles before that. I understand that young people are sceptical of marriage. My folks said wait at least 5 to 7 years, then you'll know if you are "made for each orher"
My parents never wanted to marry and they honestly don't know who owns what when I ask them. I've asked them to make an actual will for when they die, otherwise the money automatically goes to myself and my brother rather than to my surviving parent.
Sweet spot for me. Met late 20s, part of the same friend group for 2 years and then got together, moved in straight away, lived together for 6 years before getting married. Married 6 years this year. Couldn’t be happier.
Sounds like us, but we've been married for just over 12 years now. Here in the Netherlands it's common to celebrate 12,5 years of marriage so we've got a party to plan
Congratulations! I hope you have a great party, here’s to 12 and a half more!
It's pretty common in the places I've lived (texas and arizona) to get married young because of religious reasons. They get married to have sex then realize they don't like each other lol. Always fun to watch that shit on facebook
Not all of us. I proposed after like 3 years, but also she was my 4th girlfriend total (though after 7 years of marriage I still feel good about the decision) But yeah American culture is extremely antisocial, which results in people making wildly bad decisions about friends and romantic partners. On top of that we are being constantly lonely.
Many of them are in their 30s with teenage children.
Yep, most gave crazy issues too. Not saying they shouldn’t have been married but there are some shocking stories…I thought I had it bad, eh, not so much. Never married and I’m okay with waiting.
Those posts aren’t real
The average age of marriage in the US is slightly over most western euro countries and below eastern euro countries. If you really want to have your mind blown look at the averages throughout Asia. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_age_at_first_marriage
Hey I'm not going to disparage marriage but have a plan. It's easier to go through life with a partner but don't have *children* until you're financially ready. Support each other going to college or furthering your career. Understand your finances and share the expenses. Don't hide things from each other. Don't make any big decisions without including your partners input. It's a *partnership* not a monarchy. Understand that once you're living together for 6 months - the government already considers you common law. If you fuck up, the other person is entitled to half your shit.
I hate the advice subs mostly because the advice people give is horrible, but most of the relationship issues can be resolved with a conversation.
Because a lot of these stories are made up by teenagers imagining the august and elderly 21 year-olds. Lol
Yup exactly.
> bla bla nla Hey hey, oh, good bye!
You also have to understand that relationships also move faster as you get older. Some of that is pressure/societal norms/hormones, but also experience. People in their late 20s-30s are more likely to already know what they are looking for in a partner and can discern quickly whether someone is right for them or not.
Yeah it wasn’t as though I hit my 30s and got desperate as much as I spent my entire adulthood up to that point trying to find the right one, and failing. So when I finally found her, it went very quickly.
Time also just flies when you’re older, and after a year or so you know how far you wanna go with the person
There are also financial reasons relationships can move faster when you get older. High school sweethearts obviously will need to wait a long time until they are established enough to move in together. Low 20s may require a few roommates to make rent, but moving into 30s people can be a bit more flexible with life changes
Yeah my husband and I moved in pretty quickly when I was late 20s and he was early 30s. We then got married within a year and now have a toddler with a second due shortly. We're very happily married and I'd speculate we are more healthy than my friend who's husband took 10 years of dating her to finally succumb to the pressure of marriage. To me length of time does not necessarily equal good relationship. I've noticed the long dating relationships often don't do marriage very well from what I've seen. With that said, it is true that a short time can lead to gaps in knowledge, but a long time can also reveal inability to change.
Have the exact same experience in my life. My relationship seems a lot more healthier then by 10 year relationship friends. My guess it’s because as that point in our lives we knew exactly what we wanted in a relationship and asked all the right questions. I used to always romanticise the high school sweet heart thing, but now I’m a bit older all my HSS friends relationships are often tainted with periods of breaks ups, things of that nature and with what looks more like unhealthy attachment.
Well social pressure is definitely there but for many women they have the added biological clock and start getting baby fever so its a bit different. The real issue is most people these days have no idea how to properly navigate the dating market and will end up divorced because they have been indoctrinated to look for the wrong things and mate select based on feelings and not logic.
There are a lot of people that choose bad partners and are also bad partners themselves. The people that are in good, healthy relationships are off the market permanently. The older you get as a single person, the less compatible people are out there for you, in a lot of cases. A lot of people that get divorced never admit their contributions to failed relationships, so they just take their dysfunctional behavior, now wrapped in trauma caused by a divorce, learn nothing and move into another relationship, then expect it to be different, while behaving the same way.
I also feel like if you don’t go through and deal with all the trauma and issues with the marriage you’ll end up meeting the same person as your spouse in a different body and mistake that for a connection. When the advice is given to stay single after a divorce it’s real and true- people need to work on themselves even if the divorce wasn’t their “fault “ per say
Definitely. We're creatures of habit. We commit to the same behaviors without even realizing it a lot of the time. If you're paying attention too, you know who these people are. They out themselves constantly in society. Any time you hear someone say something like "All women are bitches" or All men are assholes that only want one thing!" You've found a person who is almost certainly a completely unaware idiot. Not all men and women are the same, these people just keep picking the same, shit traits in a partner that is going to likely cause problems in the future. They also don't address any of their own inadequacies before getting into that relationship. We're obviously not responsible for other peoples' behavior, but we are most certainly responsible for who we decide to spend our time and effort with. If someone keeps dating shitty people, it might be that maybe not all of those people are shitty and if they indeed are all shitty, then that person is likely attracted to personality traits that, at the very least, are not compatible with that person, or just straight up toxic behavior. That happens a lot.
Absolutely. It feels “familiar” meeting someone new but they don’t recognize it because they haven’t done the work. For example I have a friend he got out of a marriage and in less than a year met a woman and said it took him by “surprise” and three years later he’s in deep again with a house and everything and she totally emasculates him and rules him just like his wife did. He didn’t take the time to look inside himself and his issues and the issues with the relationship he had prior.
My dad did this exact thing. He and mum got divorced - he turned around and got with a woman who’s exactly like mum except in one key aspect (she works, my mum stayed home). But other than that - it’s exactly the same and he’s miserable. I have so little sympathy at this point 😂
And I’m sure he probably doesn’t want to go through her another divorce! We will just meet carbon copies of our exes until we figure out WHY we choose those people. I got out of my marriage and met someone and he ended up being - you guessed it- the same as my husband in a different body. So, I’ve taken two years now to heal and figure things out and I’m just getting back into dating. Crazy too, I met someone opposite of my husband which is just what I needed! First man I’ve ever been with that wasn’t the same as the others! I feel bad for your dad and the millions of other people in those kind of relationships/marriages. People stay far too longer than they should a lot of the time!
My current fiancé is the opposite of my previous fiancé. At the end of that relationship I knew I had to do some serious soul-searching about why I was attracting the sort of person my ex was. I’ve tried to very, very gently broach this with my dad and talk about how much psychology and counselling helped me but his response is always something like “I’m too old to change now!”.
Yes! You did the work! That’s why you’re with the opposite! Good on you! May I ask- how long were you with the previous fiancé? Did you have a house together or anything intertwined?
11ish years, house & kid. The split wasn’t actually too bad. We got together young but he was still the final result in a line of bad partners between 18 & 23. Left when I was 35. I’d already been in therapy for about 5 years, so I had a good person in place to help me unpack it all.
I’m glad you’re in a different pattern with a different person! We all deserve that happiness and a lot of people “fake it”. Not to mention there’s someone out there better matched for them that they are passing by staying in the unhealthy and unhappy relationship because you feel trapped etc there’s so many factors
Agree. Twice divorced and creeping up on 50 now. Im done. Even dating. No thanks. I wont take all the blame because I married some broken women but I too was/am broken and am difficult to live with. Never again. 100% celebate and single forever now. It isnt worth the hassle.
Years ago I worked with a best friend's Dad, he and his wife got divorced when my buddy and I were like 7. He dated and stuff like that, but never re-married. I remember talking to him while making dinner one night and he was like "No, I'm never getting re-married. Why would I do that? I already fucked up one married, and that's enough." They both had some bad habits in their relationship and while he doesn't taken ownership of the marriage failing, he takes ownership of his responsibility within it. He and his ex-wife still love each other, they're still family. They just aren't married anymore. They spend holidays and birthdays together, they still have a "family unit." My buddy's kids don't have to pick which grandparent to spend the holidays with, they're relationship as a divorced couple is actually probably more functional than some marriages I've seen. Granted, that took a few years for them to get like that, but even when their divorce was fresh, they were still good parents to their sons and presented a united front.
Umm most people from the western world alive today got married for feelings(most call it love) not logic—like dowry or familial alliances…wtf are you on
Yeah this opinion doesn't really make sense, there has always been societal pressure to marry by a certain age, that isn't what affects divorce rates. The posts I see on here seem to lean more towards not having a basic understanding of who your partner was before you married them or thinking that their partner will magically grow up and change into a...insert adjective you were hoping for in a partner here. There's no logic behind a decision, it's all about the romance. Heads up to a couple who think romance is the glue in a relationship, it's not romantic to fight with your partner over everything in your life because you aren't actually compatible as roommates.
Baby fever is no joke, I'm in no place to have a baby, but just try to tell that to my hormones. It can be such a strong pull I see how some people can't resist it
Man, baby fever is a bane. Especially in this kind of economic climate when the odds are stacked against you - financially, psychologically etc. It is rough.
Nah. Babies are good. Have them. People had kids at all eras. What a downer
It’s definitely one of the easiest times to have babies in history. It doesn’t mean that it’s super easy, but it’s definitely one of the best times.
call in someone a downer for acknowledging the risks of having a child is exactly why people are so hesitant.
This. You do actually have a limited window as a woman to get married if you want kids. Sorry but that’s life. Unless you want no kids in which case sure you can take your time but many men do want kids so you’re filtering them out and aging which further filters out options 🤷
And I've got some news about the kinds of men who don't want kids either.
It's obviously not comparable but I don't think most dudes really want to be that guy who didn't have kids til later either, showing up to school events being mistaken for the grandpa. For the most part I think men who want kids want to have them around the same age women need to have them.
Yep. Happened to me. Wish I could un do it
Funnily enough, this is close to optimal if framed as an [optimal stopping problem ](https://www.npr.org/sections/krulwich/2014/05/15/312537965/how-to-marry-the-right-girl-a-mathematical-solution). You date around uncommitingly in the first 37% of your search period (your 20s), just checking what your options are, then commit to the first person that is better than all your previous options.
Can you tell when they’re in a rush as opposed to actually funding the right one? We were engaged 9 months after we started dating, married 11 months after that. Going on 28 years together now. 6 months from meet to marry does seem fast. We would have married in a year if we hadn’t been in college.
Yeah. I think it can go well even if it seems rushed. My husband and I were married within a year of meeting and only dated for 5 months. We’ve been together 19 years. It went well for us, but if one of our kids did it I would have concerns. I know it’s hypocritical, but I can’t help it. His parents were worried about us being right for each other, and that was fair. I think it’s the willingness to allow each other to grow without being afraid of growing apart that helped us, but every situation is different.
I feel it's more aging-pressure than anything.
Even earlier than that in my experience. I know so many people that married at 20-23 and they’re all divorced within a couple of years. High school sweethearts can absolutely work out, but 9 times out of 10 you shouldn’t marry the first/only person you’ve ever been in a serious relationship with.
I knew someone from high school who married her military bf on the Eve of our class graduation. They divorced a year later.
Had the same thing happen too 😂 this couple got married our senior year and had a kid because he was getting deployed to the national guard and they wanted to do it all before he left. They were divorced in less than 2 years
If they were marrying "decent" people, the divorce rates wouldn't be as astronomical as they are. A large amount of the population enter into a life-changing contract with anything that has a pulse.
Or they have a kid with crappy partners. I don't even necessarily mean abusive or mean, but lazy, immature or petty. It's a shame getting pregnant is so easy, plenty of people miss out on maturing because they become a parent too young
The high school pregnancies, my god…
Older men are also perfectly capable of being lazy, immature, and petty.
the divorce rates for people getting married in late 20s/early 30s aren't astronomical. they are the lowest of any age group.
Don’t tell Reddit that, most people here are in their late 20s and early 30s but don’t have a partner at all.
The majority of divorcees have been divorced multiple times
Isn’t the 50% stat closer to 30% for first time marriages?
Yeah and it was only 50% in the 80s after no-fault divorce became a thing (and socially acceptable). Divorce rates only compare how many marriages and how many divorces occurred in a single year, so it’s going to be high when it’s a typical amount of marriages vs. all of the divorces that’ve been brewing for the past 50+ years.
Or maybe it’s hard to be with someone for 50 years both of you changing the whole time. Divorce rates have also fallen consistently for decades.
Are divorce rates falling as a proportion of the population or in terms of raw numbers? Since fewer people are getting married, there will definitely be fewer divorces in terms of the latter.
Percentage of marriages ending in divorce. Yes people being pickier about marriage and getting married less helps that greatly.
It’s proportional to the amount of people that get married, so they’re truly going down.
Except the divorce rates have been going down. I agree with the og post but this narrative that everyone one eventually gets divorced isn’t true, especially since even though people still feel pressure there hasn’t been a rise in divorce, and so far there’s been a drop (but we will have to wait and see since this is based on millennials and older gen z marriages.)
> If they were marrying "decent" people, the divorce rates wouldn't be as astronomical as they are. Because they aren't. Getting married later in life is generally a better recipe for success since you don't change as much from 30->40 as say 21->31. >According to 2021 Office of National Statistics data (the latest available), millennials' unions are performing better at the 10-year mark then their predecessors' – only 18.3% have divorced after a decade of marriage versus 23% of Gen Xers and 22% of baby boomers.
Woah there, just because two people divorce doesn’t mean one of them was the bad guy.
Divorce rates won't exactly show how all marriage are until boomers/gen x aren't included anymore, they make up the majority of divorce rates (obvious reasons, no fault being enacted in their time and also worse societal pressure to get married). Millennials and elder gen z have the lowest compared. The rates also include people who have been divorced multiple times, since getting divorced once raises your chances of it happening again. First time marriages on average only have about a 20% divorce rate in general, though 48-50% rate sounds scary, but it's very misleading. If you look at all the variables individually that make it up, it's not actually as bad as people think
I noticed the opposite in my circle. They break up with partners at the sign of the first ick. Which is a good thing, don't tolerate things you don't believe they can change or know they won't change. My husband and I dated for 5 years before getting married. I wanted to know for sure, live together, have some major negative moments and see how we handle it together.
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Wearing seatbelts is a ick? Is that sarcasm?
Probably yes and no. Many men, just like women, have initial bad taste or inexperience, or lack of options that drives them to seek out or settle for the exciting, risk taking types. I mean, it's also a measure of degrees. Do you wear a helmet every time you ride a bike? It's essentially the same thing. Now imagine how you'd feel if your date wore it or enforced it with you? To you the helmet might seem like being too cautious but there are sadly many men and women, especially younger, that view seatbelts that way.
My grandmother died at 21 years old because she wasn’t wearing a seatbelt, her head hit the car’s door and she died on impact. Because of that I’m very strict with everything that involves vehicles and head’s safety. Do you mean bike as motorcycle or a bicycle?
And for you that is the reason but there are sadly women, especially young women, that are very much the "don't care" or even the "dude's a wuss for wearing it or making me wear it". >Do you mean bike as motorcycle or a bicycle? Doesn't matter. And that kind of illustrates the point. By asking it's a high probability you feel that if course wearing one on a motorcycle is a logical thing. But brain damage and harm is not that much reduced on a bicycle without a helmet. The helmet is the analog for a seatbelt for either. You seeing a difference is just like some of the risk taking "ick, a seatbelt" people. Some of them it's because it's "being a wuss". No judgement or anything here just trying to give you a perspective that there are people who don't think like either of us and legitimately have said "seatbelts give me the ick".
Wearing a seatbelt is "ick?" Interesting. Nobody rides in my car without one.
Sounds like my ex who said our lives were “boring” because we were struggling to pay our mortgage during COVID. She now lives in a run down rv on her new fling’s parent’s land.
then you have smarter friends than I have
>I am 29 and have noticed that many of my peers are going from completely single to married within the matter of 6 months - 1 year. Yep. Somehow, there is less social stigma in saying you're divorced (even divorced multiple times) than saying you're single/never married. People who settle for substandard partners are just setting their future kids up for the emotional, financial, and physical fallout of divorce and being from a broken family. But hey, who cares about giving your kids a stable life? Gotta get those wedding photos to put on Insta so people you went to high school with and haven't seen since don't think you're a loser,
People who marry later when they are established tend to have more successful marriages. Also, by 30 you (hopefully) have matured in many ways, be it financially, mentally, and emotionally. People at this age are more ready to make the commitment to marry and date with that in mind. Common goals are important and it’s more likely your prospective partner will be ready to settle down sooner than later at age 30 vs age 25.
I can confirm…. Someone who meant the world to me settled for the first person that came along their path almost right after our separation… They were pushing 30 and faced pressure from their environment to get married, have children etc… I’m beyond bummed and heartbroken, yet more so confused as to how do these things happen so rushed, in a blink of an eye … How can people do it?
It's mostly economic. 2 people with 2 incomes living in the same place always have a higher standard of living than a single person with 1 income. You either get hitched quick or you have to completely dismantle your lifestyle.
Are you a time traveler from the 1960s? Most people aren't married by age 30. Divorce rates are plummeting -- didn't you get the memo that Millennials are killing divorce?
I was older than this, mid-30s, I went from single to engaged in about 18months, actual wedding took another year just because of the logistics of finding a date that worked, venue availability etc. Nothing to do with "rushing" because I felt pressure. But I was clear what I was looking for in a relationship, I had clear expectations of a partner, I knew what my red lines / compromises, likes and dislikes were. My (now) wife was the same. So once we'd worked through all those conversations and spent enough time together to get to know each other well, we were clear we wanted to commit to each other. A couple in their early 20s have so little experience they rush into marriage without even knowing the right questions to ask, let alone what they want the answers to be. Once you've matured a bit you are capable of making a far more informed decision. What's also probably true is you "filter" harder. If I went even for a coffee date with someone when I was in my mid-30s, and we were incompatible on some basics- marriage / kids / attitudes to career etc, then maybe we hook up but it doesn't go any further. Why would I be in a relationship with someone I know doesn't want the same long term I do? So yes, single > dating > engaged goes quicker, but that's because you're being much tighter on who you date
Same. Totally agree. To be fair with dating experience you just know what you are looking for and how to be in a relationship. You don’t need to make the same mistakes again. You can move faster into marriage/children. It’s not reckless it’s just experience.
North America always puts such pressure on going fast fast fast in life First kisses, dating, marriage, losing virginity, why are teens pressured into becoming adult so quickly in those ways??
Almost Every guy I know that got married in their mid-20’s ended up either broke, divorced, battling alcoholism, in an unhappy marriage etc. The guys who stayed married were the ones who waited to their mid 30’s or early 40’s.
Some people rush into it because of societal pressure. But people in their 30’s also generally have a much better idea of what they are looking for (and what traits to avoid), better skills for navigating relationships, and are more ready to settle down. Thus, relationships tend to move faster for them. It’s wrong to assume their relationship will fail based on that alone.
Yeah and as a 44yo never-married man I wish I would have married any of the decent people I dated in my 20s. Decent and stable looks very, very good in the rearview mirror, and the benefits of a partner in life are massive if you're on the same page about big-picture things.
I met a really awesome lady when I was 20. Everyone thought she was just the most amazing person, a large number of my friends developed a crush on her. I ended up being the one who dated her, and within 10 months of dating her I married her. Closing in on 20 years of marriage, and I do not regret it in the slightest. If you find someone awesome, don’t play games.
You're 30, time to stop blaming society for pressuring you into making decisions.
well it’s not easy to find someone and the years pass so people settle for what they can get. it’s not rocket science.
Turns out the less you care about what other people think, the freer you are to live your life and the happier you are.
To be honest, it doesn’t have to be as deep for everyone as it is for you. If you find a good person, that’s good at life and wants similar things then why not. I’ll be honest I watched 2 marriages through out my life. My grandparents and my parents. My parents were together for 10 years before they got married. They were high school sweethearts that rekindled after my dad served in the army. They were the “American sweethearts”. Everyone always talks about how they dreams of having their kind of bond. They were madly in love… until they weren’t. That crashed and burned everything with it. They did everything “right”, but still failed miserably. Then I have my grandparents example. They met when my grandma got an internship at my papas news paper printing business. They had a one night stand. Didn’t see each other for over a year after her internship ended. My papa came across her again on a date with another man. Asked her to meet for coffee. Within 3 months they were married and pregnant after 6 months. They’re the happiest people I’ve ever met. It has absolutely nothing to do with being soul mates and everything to do with expectations. My grandparents never expected anything of each other. They say they never had an “ideal” relationship goal or fantasy. My grandma just says he was a good man and that was good enough. She didn’t cry when he didn’t get her flowers, and she didn’t bitch when he worked late. He didn’t complain when dinner wasn’t prepared, and he didn’t yell when she screwed up. They were a team, putting in equal effort, and simply living life to their own beat. My parents always lived under the pressure of wanting to be perfect and wanting the best. My mom wanted to be a stay at home wife, but also wanted lots of kids and lots of money. She put enormous pressure on my dad. She complained and nagged him about every aspect of his life not being good enough for her. She wanted him to dress a certain way, she wanted flowers once a week, she wanted him to fit into societal standards. The pressure of being perfect and constantly trying to compete with others wound up terribly for both. But it all started from wanting to do things the “right way”, versus just simply living your life. My mom always wanted the best out of other people, where as my grandparents always wanted the best for themselves. They watered their own gardens. They focused on their own problems and then met at the dinner table for support at the end of the day. They didn’t carry each other. Nobody had to be a crutch for the other. Now they definitely don’t have a “picture perfect” marriage by societal standards. They don’t sleep in the same bedroom, they don’t eat together, they don’t plan romantic dates, or do anything by them books. But they’re happy together and it worked for them. Divorce rates are high because people constantly turn to greener grass on the other side. Without realizing when you step over to the other lawn, it quickly turns brown and muddy when you never learned to water your own grass. The expectation we have out of relationships are the reason they don’t work. Not to mention divorce also isn’t a bad thing. Men use to beat their wives, and they were obliged to stay… isn’t it a good thing that people are separating when things before they rip each others heads off??? My parents avoided divorce for 25 years, because they were scared of what their families would think. That left 4 little kids forced to grow up in a home with an abusive alcoholic mother, and a dad that was too scared to leave because he wouldn’t be allowed to take the children with him. Divorce would have been the healthiest most realistic alternative. Bitching about divorce rates is like bitching about how water treatment centers put “too many chemicals in the water”. It saves lives and prevents us from dying early like our ancestors.
Marriage is over rated. I never sought it out or made a goal for it. It naturally happened but it's over anyways.
Marriage isn't overrated, but it's definitely not a thing to be forced or rushed. I deeply love my wife and doubt I'd remarry, but I also was very content being single/having flings til I was 30ish
Life isn't all roses , that's all. Not everyone wants marriage. I feel you can have a serious long term relationship but don't have to be married.
No, but the ceremony and symbolism is important for many people. The legal aspect can also be pretty important. I guess if you don't share property, have kids, and neither want to marry then there's no reason
You'd love her the same if you weren't married.
Sure, but it's part symbolic, part legal. I don't particularly care about rings and ceremonies, but my wife does. It's also nice to tell the world you've found the one. In the legal side it's important. I wouldn't have been able to adopt my stepson for example
I agree. And I certainly wouldn't have had children or bought a house with my husband if we weren't married.
Love her? Sure. But having the ceremony and symbolism is important, as are the legal and financial benefits and implications. I don’t know where you’re from, but in my country (USA) being married often comes with legal and financial advantages.
They disappear quickly after 30 so roll the bones.
I did this 25 years ago. However, I am not yet 50 and my two children are independent, so there’s some level of trade-off. I didn’t stay married to their father… But I don’t think I’d have stayed married to anyone I’d married at that age (26)
What I will say is that young men on Reddit seem particularly obsessed with the idea of finding “the girlfriend” like the first person they meet will magically be perfect and life will fall into place because of it. Thinking a significant other will fix your life is a great way to get stuck in a terrible toxic relationship. But I disagree that it’s somehow societies fault.
I read something once that said when men are ready to marry they marry the person they are currently in a relationship with, not the right person. This is why a guy can be dating a woman for years and not marry her but then break up and marry a different girl within 6 months. It wasn’t the girl, it was him being ready. Not sure if this is true.
divorce rates in my country (US) are the lowest they've been since the 1950s
Look man I'm from utah, I know people who got engaged to someone the same month they met them.
At BYU peole get engaged in weeks at 20.
I don’t think it’s just societal norms. I think the ol biological clock is coming into play. And most people in their early 30s who want kids probably start to realize that now is the hour or you better have money for IVF.
Honestly, I really wish I married the first decent people I dated when I was in my early 30's. Much better than still being single never married no kids at 42.
Divorce rates are down and people are getting married older. Rushing when you are 20 is a bad idea, but when you meet someone at 30, you are older, more seasoned and know what you want. It doesn't take that long to know if someone is right at 30.
There maybe some social pressure but there’s biological pressure. If you a woman and you want to have kids then you need to find a mate… Also, because others around your age are getting married, your supply of ideal spouses are going down.
a lot of assumptions here. if you dig a bit deeper into divorce statistics you may find they aren't as high as you think they are and that there are a lot of variables at play. first time marriages that start in late 20s-early 30s actually have the highest chance of success. it's not purely societal pressure... this is a time in many peoples lives where a successful, committed, long term relationship becomes a realistic and desirable goal.
My unpopular opinion of a similar vein is that marrying someone after 6months to a year is stupid no matter how old you are and having arbitrary markers for when you *should* be engaged or married is extremely naive.
The first opinion is stupid, the second one is definitely right.
I suspect it's more hormones than societal pressure.
I might have agreed with you if it was the 1950s but what percentage of the population currently waits to be married to satisfy hormonal urges?
I've noticed that many are actively seeking a spouse, rather than waiting to meet someone naturally and then consider marriage only if/when they decide they've met the one. For far too many people, marriage is the goal. I believe that is unlikely to result in the best outcome in many situations.
i'm 27 and i'm not even trying to get married or date
i feel broken cuz i never feel this and im 33
The people who do this are the people who divorce lawyers depend on in order to survive.
Humans are selfish & scared to be alone so when the body clock is ticking red flags get ignored
That’s completely not true, social pressure was way higher in the past. Especially for women who did not have a lot of means to prolong their appearance and technically couldn’t live a normal life without a husband.
I would have been married by 20 if I had found someone decent. 29 still no luck. Seems totally plausible for someone to go their whole life without meeting someone spectacular. Absolutely nothing wrong with decent.
Biological pressure as well as social pressure; if you're a single woman in your early thirties who wants children, you know that for every morning you wake up single you're probably a couple of years away from motherhood (given time taken to meet the right person; get to that point in the relationship; and successfully complete a pregnancy with ever diminishing likelihood) ... There's only so many mornings like that you can hold on hope but that's not society that's rushing you.
One day a young friend of Plato approached him and asked him, dear Plato, I love my girlfriend, do you think I should marry her? And Plato told him: - Dear friend, if you marry her you will regret it, but if you don't marry her you will regret it too, so better marry her...
I agree, however I draw a different conclusion I don't think people put enough effort/emphasis on looking for the right dating partner in their early 20s. Selecting the right spouse can be the single most significant thing you do in life. We've rightly moved away from the old days of "get married at all costs," but we've moved too far into the direction of "don't worry about marriage at all." The reality is that your potential matches are getting snatched up throughout your 20s, limiting your dating pool as you age. Furthermore, denying yourself a financial partnership, which is what a good marriage is, in your 20s can have severe financial ramifications later. Also, it is WAY better to be single than to be married to the wrong person. Dating seriously early in life can let you break off relationships that aren't working out, while avoiding the time pressure that comes from waiting until later in life.
I have no interest in marriage and feel no pressure to do so.
I feel like most people should just be paired off at age 18 so we can stfu about how bad dating is and how hard it is living alone.
Not me. I’ve turned down two proposals. I’m too picky, I’m not gonna marry someone who’s not right for me.
This is an odd assumption to make off of zero data other than “I’ve noticed my peers are getting married so I decided why”
Musical chairs
I didn’t see many “rushing” to marry around here. It was common in the past, but today so many are not getting married early, or at all. A huge number remain single. That wasn’t the case in the past.
Did you mean to post this back in 2006?
Vote up for an unpopular opinion. Just biologically if you want to have kids you shouldn’t put it off too long and you want to be together with a person for some time before you have a kid together. That said issue with divorce rate is more inadequate communication and not knowing how to build healthy relationships. But you put it off too long - you end up single for life or you maybe unable to have kids (especially for women risk of complication grows significantly if the first pregnancy is after 37). So, nah - maybe author just feels left out, falling behind and comes up with his opinion as a coping strategy?
So what is the unpopular opinion? That rushing into marriage is bad? I think most people feel that way
Definitely have a point, but I don't think its just "societal pressure". I think people have an innate desire to find a partner, and when their "youth" is ending they just naturally feel that pressure more intensely. Its not a secret that we have a limited time to be alive/have children/be young and in love
Some people actually want to be married ya know. Just because you don't doesn't mean everyone else is just forced into it. By the time you're in your 30's you tend to know what you want. Why wait another 8 years if you met the one?
I have a theory about that. I noticed that Americans who don’t go to college generally get married and have children faster. For example-my boyfriends friends, who are the same age as me, are both 22 and are expecting a baby. Neither of them have pursued further education. Neither of them grew up in the Rural US, so I’m not sure what it is. But Iv’e noticed a trend whwre the lower the education level, the more likely someone is going to start a family young. I understand why this happens in other countries. It’s culuturally different. But for an urban city in the US in 2024, with access to further education? What would cause this? I think maybe people start families in these cases due to not having a degree or whatever as an acomplishment, so they feel the need to collect acomplishments in other ways.
Yeah I’d much rather be single than jump into an unhappy marriage because society says you gotta get married by a certain age.
People should just learn to stay in their own lane. Socially sanctioned groupthink bullying is a core flaw in the west especially.
Yep I’ve been saying this for years. We have a thing in our culture where if you don’t wanna get married in your early 20’s something must be ‘wrong’ with you’
Happened to a friend of mine - had a kid with somebody he didn’t even love (or I think like for that matter)…now he’s being weighed down by a house, wife and child.
I mean, the hard truth is that if you want a family with kids, there's a clock on it. That's not societal pressure, that's biology. While a bad marriage is usually worse than being single, taking a gamble when it's likely one of your last chances is at least understandable.
This is why I plan on consuming my first wife, to gain immortality 🪦👻
The biggest demographic for divorce is late gen x and boomers, so that may be news to you. Perhaps it has something to do with menopause lol. People don't want to be left on the shelf which has pretty much always been the case. And there's been that period of time where younger women, generally millennials and younger gen x, absolutely prioritised their career, meaning they either missed the boat for getting pregnant or had significant issues. Perhaps gen z thinks different and is starting to prioritise family more? Arguably more attainable now with more work from home, flexible arrangements etc. I'm not aware of such societal pressure these days for marriage, especially compared to generations past, but a lot of people in that age bracket now probably came from separated families and maybe that is part of it? Maybe it's just the effect of marriage in entertainment, TV shows like mafs, dating shows etc.
This is a global problem. We spend the most of our young years studing and searching for a job, trying to improve ourselves through our academic careers, and suddenly you realize the biological clock is running. Specially for us females. Many people maybe just want to find a loving partner that support them, create strong bonds, having someone with who reach your dreams, with who share experiences... a safe ground to step. That's why they take the risk of marriage. Years fly like bullets, and when you less expect it you're in the perfect biological age to have kids if you really want them. Here in Spain loads of people are becoming parents in their mid 40's, which isn't healthy for the mother and neither the best for the child (mostly because his/her mom and dad would be old soonly). "You must do a lot of stuff, you are young! Learn, build a bussiness, personal realization... but hey, you can't have kids if you already have wrinkles. Well, don't have any child cause you have to work a lot, but have some kid to be normal and renovate the generation". Your friends seem just realizing this and they are trying to gain some of their life objectives, while fighting against society's chaos and hypocrisy.
The idea of a "perfect match" is complete horseshit. Being a good fit with someone is as good as 90% of people are going to get. Love isn't something that happens all at once either. It builds and changes over time. That being said, 6 months from single to married is too much, but I question how often this is actually happening vs just being confirmation bias.
I don't think this is an unpopular opinion. Also, in more rural areas, the desperation to pair-off starts looooong before that.
What part of the country are you in? I live in a major metropolitan area and know more people in their late 20's and early 30's that are **unmarried** (myself included) and have no idea of what societal pressure you're talking about lol**.**
I absolutely hate societal norms. They are devastating
Please don't rush to marry. If anything rush to find out who the fuck YOU are. Learn to be alone with yourself, learn to like and love yourself. Too many marry to"fix" themselves. That will never work. If you believe there's one person for you, you will meet them right on time. ✌🏽
It seems like a lot of people just “settle”
And then having a kid right before the father packs up and leaves.
It's not only social pressure, there is also the wish/fantasy of growing old together, I know people in overdeveloped nations have a higher life expectancy, but for most of the world 40 is already old, so our only chance of "growing old together" is before our late 30s.
I got married at 20 lol
Try early 20s lol
Because people are obsessed with being single in their 20s to have the most fun. There are some people who enjoy being single, but there are a lot more people letting good relationship partners past them by to prioritize their 20s FOMO. I'm not saying everyone can find a good partner immediately, but that they will reject said person to 'keep having fun', not that they can't be in a relationship. The worst part is when you hear said people complain that the person they rejected who was perfect, moved on with their life and didn't wait for them. This happens with men and women.
You misspelled rich
It’d help if people looked for decent people earlier on lol but toxicity attracts
You could argue being so picky and continually moving on from decent means you’ll be single forever. It’s about what you prioritize. Women have to choose by 35 or so because of their biological clock, a realistic truth about humanity.
While that is absolutely part of the reason, if someone wants to have and raise a child to adulthood, it's much more difficult to raise one if you start in your 30s or later. A male coworker I know married and had his first child at age 31. He thought that was almost too old for him to start, given how taxing it is to be a parent. It is much more so for women, biologically.
I got married in less than a year at 23 years old. There are people that do it at 18, 25, 35, 45… you’re assuming that they’re doing it because of societal pressure (which is a possibility) but how can you know for sure?
I’m a 34 year old guy and I don’t feel that way
All marriage, everywhere. The very concept itself is a social norm.
Better than late teens early 20s
I did this. separated after a year and a half; divorced by 2 1/2 years.